joke_type int64 0 3 | score int64 -1 14.3k | title stringlengths 1 309 ⌀ | selftext stringlengths 1 40k ⌀ |
|---|---|---|---|
0 | 23 | What starts with "P" and ends with "orn?" | Popcorn! |
0 | 19 | /r/askreddit thread "What's the best clean joke you
know" with thousands of replies | http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats_the_best_clean_joke_you_know/ |
0 | 1 | A bear walks into bar... | A bear walks into a bar and the bartender says, " how's it going?" the bear says, " I'm..................... Fine," the bartender asks, "what's with the big pause?" and the bear says, " but I've always had these paws." |
0 | 26 | A twist on a few old classics... | Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: who do you think you are, questionig the motives of a chicken?
Q: horse walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
A: a horse is not a human, therefore does not understand the english language. It is tranquilized, and the bartender is shamed for not act... |
0 | 29 | When is a door not a door? | When it's a jar |
0 | 16 | Late night visitor | A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and g... |
0 | 0 | https://www.google.com/search?q=road+signs | I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home all the signs were there. |
0 | 0 | Batman doesn't have nightmares | Nightmares have batman |
0 | 11 | The reason angels can fly... | ...is that they take themselves lightly.
**G. K. Chesterton** |
0 | 144 | I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. | *Al denté*, you might say.
**Jimmy Carr** |
0 | 20 | Where does the General keep his armies? | In his sleevies. |
0 | 0 | Two fish in a tank. [x-post from r/Jokes] | One asks: How do you drive this thing? |
0 | 0 | Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today | Found this video randomly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&feature=related |
0 | 12 | Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? | Because it's capital is always Dublin. |
0 | 0 | I rang up a local builder and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." | **Tim Vine** |
0 | 0 | What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? | "I'm getting the fudge outta here!" |
0 | 3 | This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. | Demetri Martin |
0 | 32 | There once was a girl from Nantucket... | Who carried her ice in a bucket.
She walked down a hill.
She had a great spill.
And when she got up, she said, "I'm going to watch my step next time!" |
0 | 37 | My own joke let me know what you think and how I might improve it? | A man has an urgent letter he needs to send but he's to far from a post office so he walks into the nearest place of business and asks - do you have any outgoing mail? The guy behind the counter turns to him and says; "you know, I've never really taken the time to get to know the character of the letters we send..." |
0 | 0 | Three tomatoes are walking down the street. | a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, ketchup.
(From a very good movie, anyone know the name? I want to see if anyone can guess it!) |
0 | 58 | Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies? | In his sleevies. |
0 | 42 | A man is driving down a country road... | A man is driving down a country road one day, when a rabbit cross the road and jumps in front of his car. The man kills the rabbit and is horribly upset.
He is crying by the side of the road when a woman drives by. She stops her car, gets out and asks him what's wrong.
He explains that he has accidentally killed th... |
0 | 33 | Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? | He was held without charge. |
0 | 45 | Nickelback walks into a bar.... | So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny. |
0 | 1 | Two Peanuts | There were two peanuts walking down the street, they were both assaulted. (If you don't get this then read this in an Italian accent). |
0 | 66 | What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? | Make me one with everything. |
0 | 4 | A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are on a train... | "Silverstein!" exclaims the Jew, "Who's your friend?"
"His name's Mohammad," replies the Muslim, "But he's no friend of mine since he became a convert."
(blatantly stolen from the play, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead") |
0 | 63 | My friend says she's doing good | but she means well |
0 | 1 | Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? | He had...... Loco Motives |
0 | 106 | Two pretzels.. | Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted" |
0 | 50 | What did the traffic light say to the car? | Don't look at me I'm changing. |
0 | 16 | What's red and is bad for your teeth? | A brick |
0 | 49 | What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? | A monkey.
(p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes) |
0 | 2 | A photon walks into a hotel. | The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. " |
0 | 0 | I don't have the faintest idea why I passed out | Just a short pun |
0 | 12 | What do you call a fly with no wings? | A walk. |
0 | 47 | What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? | Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse. |
0 | 0 | Did ya hear about the magic tractor? | It turned into a field |
0 | 0 | Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? | He had no *body* to go with |
0 | 52 | Why did the plane crash? | ...The pilot was a tomato. |
0 | 35 | Reinventing Yourself | http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing-yourself-doesnt-always-work.html |
0 | 220 | So the Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar | It was Tense |
0 | 45 | Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? | She was tired of raisin kids. |
0 | 0 | I wrote a silly joke which you mind find moderately unclean. | Let's hope I don't get the banhammer. Here goes:
funny guy: "Did I ever tell you that my former lover was a restaurant?"
humor recipient: "No. That's absurd."
funny guy: "It's true! The food was good, but the cervix was awful."
|
0 | 0 | What's so great about living in Switzerland? | Well, the flag is a big plus. |
0 | 36 | How To Catch A Polar Bear | Things you will need:
1 Can of peas,
large drill,
a good pair of boots......
Take the large drill and cut a hole in the ice. (has to be big enough for a polar bear to fit!)
Open the can of peas and place them around the hole in the ice.(polar bears love peas)
Wait patiently................
:: Polar bear approache... |
0 | 28 | What did the grape say when it got stepped on? | Nothing, it just gave a little wine |
0 | 25 | Knock knock | Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who.
A bee has stolen my wallet.
(I will show my self out) |
0 | 0 | Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize? | He was outstanding in his field. |
0 | 0 | Why do Java developers wear glasses? | Because they don't C# |
0 | 47 | I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger. | And then it hit me. |
0 | 37 | I thought I had a brain tumor | but then I realized it was all in my head. |
0 | 68 | why did the cookie go to the doctor? | because he felt crummy. |
0 | 82 | I'm a social person. | I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. |
0 | 48 | “We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” says the bartender. | A neutrino walks into a bar. |
0 | 29 | What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors? | Monk key |
0 | 76 | What do you call a fish with no eye? | fsh |
0 | 78 | My dad emailed me this one. I got a good chuckle. "What's in a name?" | What's in a name?
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier
Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much con... |
0 | 41 | The professor walks into the bar... | ...and says to the bartender, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender, a bit perplexed, asks him, "Do you mean martini?" The professor replied, "No thanks, I'll just start with one." |
0 | 0 | Why don't sperm banks hire middle eastern people | They keep saying "thank you, Come again" |
0 | 17 | How do you catch a bra? | You set a booby trap. |
0 | 21 | Why did the banker leave his job? | he lost interest |
0 | 46 | If you give a mouse a cookie.. | If you give a mouse a cookie.. Why are you giving a mouse any food? That's unsanitary. |
0 | 15 | What did the hot dogs name their child? | Frank |
0 | 0 | I caught my roommate's cat attempting to eat my Bible. | I guess he got hungry for God's word. |
0 | 47 | Wanna hear a construction joke? | I'm working on it. |
0 | 137 | What letter looks most like a shoe? | A "D" does. (Say it out loud) |
0 | 39 | Where do snowmen dance? | At the snowball! |
0 | 13 | Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled? | He wanted to transcend dental medication. |
0 | 14 | What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? | Tennish |
0 | 0 | where does a general keep his armys? | in his sleevies. |
0 | 2 | How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? | FOUR! |
0 | 39 | What do kids eat for breakfast? | Yogoat! |
0 | 30 | What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you? | A pool table. |
0 | 23 | Two hot dogs are frying in a pan. | The firts hot dog turns to the other and says: "Wow, it's really getting hot in here!" The other hot dog replies: "OH MY GOD A TALKING HOT DOG." |
0 | 0 | What did one ocean say to the other? | Nothing, they just waved. |
0 | 0 | What do you get when you sit on a potato? | A potato wedge! (I made this up when I was 9) |
0 | 27 | A duck walks into a bar... | ...sits on the stool, slaps the countertop with a wing and says "Gimme a shot and a brew, and keep 'em comin'!"
The bartender nods and prepares the order but on the inside is like, "Wow! A talking duck!" So he gives the duck a beer and a shot. He notices the duck wearing a helmet and flannel, so he asks, "So what are ... |
0 | 37 | What do mathematicians get if they stare at the roots of negative numbers for too long? | Square eyes |
0 | 20 | Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink? | Because it kept running out of the pen!!
My favorite joke when young :). |
0 | 0 | Why did the tomato turned red? | Because it saw the salad dressing |
0 | 0 | Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? | Sir Cumference. |
0 | 38 | By the twinkle in me eye? | One beautiful afternoon in the Scottish Highlands a young couple decided to go for a walk. After they went a wee ways Moiria turns to Angus and says "Why Angus you wouldn't want to be holding my hand right now would ya?
Angus: How did ya know?
Moiria: By the twinkle in your eye.
So, they continue on, holding hands. Af... |
0 | 28 | Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? | because then it would be a foot! |
0 | 45 | Did you hear about the wedding between the two antenna? | The service was terrible, but the reception was great. |
0 | 34 | How do you measure the weight of a hipster? | In Instagrams. |
0 | 27 | Why'd the chicken cross the Möbius strip? | To get to the same side. |
0 | 14 | What did the number zero say to the number eight? | "Nice belt." |
0 | 0 | Tiny Blue Dot | A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the gas station logo comes o... |
0 | 1 | The basement (X-post from /r/jokes) | Mommy and daddy told me never to open the basement door.
I never asked why. Every time I started casting too many glances toward it, every time I started getting too near it, every time I mentioned it, they'd scream at me.
"Don't open the cellar door!"
For 12 years I didn't know why. For 12 years I didn't know what ... |
0 | 62 | What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? | [Denim, denim, denim.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI) |
0 | 20 | Why do librarians like the wind? | It says, "Shhh!" all day! |
0 | 0 | What did one frog say to the other? | Time's fun when you're having flies. |
0 | 14 | How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? | Unique up on it.
How do you catch a very calm rabbit?
The tame way. |
0 | 56 | How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? | Ba dum ship. |
0 | 0 | An elderly woman is walking by a church and sees people leaving...she's curious to know what's going on... | so she asks a man standing by, "Excuse me, but is mass out?"
"No," he replied, "But your hat's on crooked." |
0 | 32 | Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants | In case he gets a hole in one |
0 | 0 | What's the best thing to put into a pie | Your teeth. |
0 | 36 | Why did MC Hammer go to jail? | He was too legit to acquit |
0 | 0 | How much do pirates pay for earrings? | about a buck an ear. |
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