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The Concept2 SkiErg makes the sport of Nordic skiing available to everyone. Comes equipped with a PM5.

**Floor stand sold separately.**

Irish orders: See below for important information before ordering.

More details

The next available despatch date is June 23

£700.00 tax incl.

Volume discounts

Quantity Discount You Save
5 5% Up to £175.00

Data sheet

Machine Weight 46 lb (20.9 kg)
Shipping Dimensions 21 in x 19 in x 49 in (54 cm x 49 cm x 125 cm)

More info

Long recognised as delivering one of the toughest workouts around, Nordic skiing develops both strength and endurance and exercises the legs as well as the arms and core. The SkiErg can be used for both double pole and classic alternating arm technique.

The SkiErg uses the same flywheel resistance and electronic monitoring systems as our indoor rower, the proven choice of rowing athletes around the world since 1981, so you can rest assured that the machine is made to last. As well as being durable and well built, the SkiErg is sophisticated too, with an advanced monitor that provides immediate, accurate performance data.

Whether you’re an elite cross-country skier looking to improve your poling power, a weekend enthusiast wanting to get into shape for the ski season, or just someone looking for a great workout, the SkiErg will help you achieve your goals.

Included with Your Purchase

We include the following items with your SkiErg PM5 purchase:

  • Performance Monitor with Quick Start Guide
  • SkiErg Product Manual
  • Tools and illustrated assembly instructions

Note: The SkiErg floor stand is an accessory item and is sold separately.

Learn More

For more information about the SkiErg, visit the SkiErg page at

Republic of Ireland

Shipping into Ireland has changed as a result of the UK leaving the EU. You are no longer able to purchase directly from our web shop. Please visit instead.

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“Los Angeles November 2019” (Instrumental Version) (EP)

This is the instrumental version of Ming & Ping’s 3-song EP Los Angeles November 2019. The EP is designed to be listened to continuously, taking listeners on a journey of death, birth, life, and death again. Written as a tribute to the retro-future themes of Ridley Scott’s movie Blade Runner, the release explores topics such as humanity, identity, and reality.

Pay what you want for this record. OR download it free now and if you like the music, come back later and pitch in some dough. Anything you pay over $3 will be considered a generous donation, as it takes 80 to 120 work hours to complete each song. This doesn’t account for the cost of equipment, studio time, or the various costs of producing the album art. Thanks for supporting independent artists.

Digital download in MP3 or uncompressed WAV formats and high-resolution album art.

Category: Tags: ,

Los Angeles November 2019 (Instrumental Version)

Ming & Ping

Track List

  1. Heaven’s Light
  2. Ride or Die
  3. The End

© Bao Vo Creative, Inc. 2019

Written and performed by Ming & Ping
Produced and engineered by Bao Vo
Additional production on “The End” by Taylor Shechet
Photography by Elissa R. Photography
Hair and makeup by Jill Clark
Wardrobe by Ming & Ping
Special thanks to: Mom Vo, Elissa Rinehart, Taylor Shechet, Khoa Vu, Jamie Locks and Lindsay Dimitri, David Pelletier, Yoon Song, The Ming & Ping Dynasty (Donna Thasdao Pungprechawat, Helen Bui Thompson, Jamie Locks, Ryan Vasquez), and BAO’s Beautiful Boy Band (Timm Shingler, Rogie Lucero, Jesse McInturff, Evaldo Garcia).

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Add your deal, information or promotional text

Fertility Goddess Sculpture Reproduction

Carved from the local limestone on the island of Cyprus, the female figure that inspired this reproduction is one of the largest examples of cruciform (cross-shaped) statuettes from the Chalcolithic period. In ancient Cypriot art, the female form was often associated with fertility and childbirth, and the flattened thighs of this figure appear to show her squatting in a birthing position. Her detailed head with added facial features, ears, and hair atop an elongated neck contrasts with her highly schematized body and large pendent breasts. Double-roped bands on the arms may represent jewelry, perhaps bracelets. Ancient attachment holes for repairing the figure’s broken left arm are clearly visible, attesting to the significance of the image. Over one hundred cruciform figures made in southwestern Cyprus in the period 3000-2500 BC are known. Found primarily in burials, almost all are considerably smaller in scale than the original on which this reproduction was modeled. The size of the statue suggests that it was made as a cult image representing a fertility divinity or mother goddess.

- Material: Bonded Marble
- Dimensions: H: 11 inches x W: 7 inches x D: 4 inches
- Made in China
- Item #:  MRFG


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• Practise your Spanish reading, listening and vocabulary
  • For beginners and advanced students
  • Learn up to 4000 new words with fun and ease
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Learn Spanish just by reading

Learn Spanish with fun and ease and learn new words fast.

Learn up to 4000 new words fast by reading fun fairy tales or classic and romantic short stories! Includes audio and word practice. The software supports your learning and makes sure you memorize up to 100% of new words. You will master fluent reading and listening fast and easy!

Want to learn read Spanish?
Handy Tips on Learning Spanish
Progress Explained With Bermuda Word E-Books

Our Spanish Products


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Check out our Veloci electric bikes starting at €1,499

Find out more about purchasing our Veloci electric bikes via the Cycle to Work Scheme

Like scooting, only easier, get moving with the ‘Up’ electric scooter.

Men's Veloci Spirit

  • Whatever the weather, the Veloci Spirit makes every day a beautiful day for a ride.

    More than 48,000 Veloci electric bikes have sold across Europe, and now you can get yours today.

    The new men's electric Veloci bicycle is a Belgian quality product. Bizbike's many years of experience and the combination of the smartest novelties with durable materials resulted in an absolute winner with the best price-quality ratio .

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    • Bafang mid-engine: powerful and silent
    • Schwalbe Road Cruiser tires with side reflection and puncture protection
    • 36V Li-ion battery: reaches up to 120 km per charge

    • 80 Nm Bafang mid-engine
    • Schwalbe Road Cruiser: provide a stable ride comfort
    • Detachable 36V Li-ion battery: reaches up to 120 km per charge
    • Selle Royal Wave saddle
    • Front and rear light connected to the battery, operated via the display
    • LCD display with 5 positions and USB connection for charging mobile phone
    • 7 Shimano® Tourney gears
    • Aluminum frame
  • Free Delivery on all Orders

Pricavy consent choices


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pawTree Shop

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pawPairings® Beef Medley Superfood Seasoning

Item: 2405

Ideal for:

  • Delicious Variety
  • Added Nutrition
  • Picky Eaters
  • Low Energy
  • Boosting the Immune System
  • Dogs and Cats

You don’t like to eat the same thing every day, and neither does your pet. They crave variety, but changing their food daily leads to upset tummies. pawPairings Superfood Seasoning allows you to give your pet a different taste sensation at every meal WITHOUT stomach upset! pawPairings is a delicious topper you sprinkle on their food that adds a boost of delicious nutrition and variety to every meal. Varieties include delectable freeze-dried proteins – many single-source (either meat, poultry or fish) and a concentrated source of 8 fruits and vegetables that are truly Yappetizing! Now you can easily change up their meals every day. So give your pets a break and just shake, shake, shake!

Make Mealtime Fun for Both You and Your Pets!

pawPairings are an easy way to reduce boredom at mealtime. Each variety is a perfect “pairing” for your pet’s food – ANY food! Your pets will enjoy the different taste sensations, and you’ll enjoy “making” their meals! Just sprinkle some on and watch them run to the bowl. It’s that easy!

Key Benefits:

  • Provides variety at mealtime
  • Delicious freeze-dried proteins (either meat, poultry or fish)
  • A powerful blend of Natural Vitamins, Minerals and Antioxidants
  • Boost of nutrition with a concentrated source of 8 fruits and vegetables – Pumpkin, Sweet Potatoes, Kale, Tomatoes, Carrots, Cranberries, Pomegranates and Blueberries
  • Contains a special vitamin blend
  • A delicious seasoning for any dog or cat food
  • Provides variety and healthy antioxidants
  • Reduces mealtime boredom
  • Developed by Veterinarians and Nutritionists
  • Made in the U.S.A.

Guaranteed Analysis:

Crude Protein (min) 34%
Crude Fat (min) 8% 9%
Crude Fiber (min) 6%
Moisture (max)  10%
Iron (min) 0.19 mg
Copper (min)  0.02 mg
Manganese (min)  0.02 mg
Zinc (min) 0.28 mg
Vitamin A (min) 15.36 IU
Vitamin D (min)  1.57 IU
Vitamin E (min)  0.39 IU
Thiamine Vitamin B1 (min)  0.02 mg
Riboflavin Vitamin B2 (min)  0.09 mg
Pantothenic Acid (min)  0.16 mg
Niacin Vitamin B3 (min)  0.32 mg
Pyridoxine Vitamin B6 (min)  0.04 mg

Ground Beef, Beef Liver, Tomatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Kale, Pumpkin, Cranberries, Organic Carrots, Pomegranates, Blueberries, Natural Flavor, Natural Mixed Tocopherols, Zinc Proteinate, Betaine Anhydrous, Iron Proteinate, L-Carnitine, Vitamin E Supplement, Calcium Carbonate, Niacin Supplement, Biotin, Calcium Pantothenate, Riboflavin Supplement, Copper Proteinate, Manganese Proteinate, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Thiamine Mononitrate, Sodium Selenite, Vitamin B12 Supplement, Vitamin A Supplement, Vitamin D3 Supplement, Calcium Iodate, Natural Mesquite Smoke Flavor, Rosemary Extract.

Calorie Content ME (Calculated)

4,000 kcal/kg 8 kcal/average teaspoon

This product is intended for intermittent or supplemental feeding only.

Your Pet May Also Like


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Horrid Henry Early Reader: Horrid Henry's Christmas Presents Award-winning team

by Francesca Simon (author) and Tony Ross (illustrator)

Suitable for 5 - 7 years

This product is not currently available.

To help you find what you're looking for, see similar items below.

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Delivery information

  • FREE ROI postage for schools on orders containing at least one paid item.*
  • FREE ROI postage on orders €40 or over
  • €8 postage charge on ROI orders
    under €40

Book Club orders

  • FREE postage to schools*
  • Books will be despatched after the school's order is confirmed

ROI postage within 8 working days

Postage charges and times vary for overseas addresses

Refund and returns policy

*Excluding border charge

Product description

This year, Horrid Henry has a brilliant idea for his family’s Christmas presents in this hilarious story. First appearing in Horrid Henry’s Christmas Cracker, here the story is fully illustrated in colour in its own volume, perfect for Early Readers.

Early Readers are stepping stones from picture books to reading books. A blue Early Reader is perfect for sharing and reading together. A red Early Reader is the next step on your reading journey.

In this festive story, Horrid Henry has a brilliant idea for his family’s Christmas presents. Who says he has to BUY them at all? It’s the thought that counts!

Early Readers – your child’s stepping stone from picture books to reading books. This one is a perfect stocking filler, even for reluctant younger readers!

Product Details

Horrid Henry Early Reader

Orion Children's Books

Date published

November 8th, 2012

Lexile measure

610L Lexiles are the global standard in reading assessment. They are unique as they are able to measure a child and a book on the same scale – ensuring the right book gets to the right child at the right time.

For more details see What is a lexile?.

Accelerated Reader

AR book level: 3.6; Lower years; 0.5 points

Francesca Simon

Photo of Francesca Simon

Tony Ross

This product has not been reviewed yet.

Add a review

What kids think

  1. Catherine0703
    on 6 March 2014

    I love reading all the different horrid Henry books

  2. safss123
    on 21 December 2013

    It is very exiting because when I read it to my little Brother he was laughing alot (so was I) Now we’ve Read every single book.

    5out of 5
  3. Book-Club-Review-Team
    on 20 December 2012

    I really enjoyed reading the Horrid Henry book. My favourite part was when Henry wrote the poem:

    “Dear old wrinkly mum, Don’t be glum, Cause you’ve got a fat tum, And an even bigger bum, Ho ho ho hum, Love from your son, Henry.”

    My favourite character was Horrid Henry as always he is so funny and naughty. The entire story was fabulous. This book would suit boys and girls from age 5 upwards.

    Stephanie, aged 7


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2016 Bowman Draft Kyle Lewis Mariners BD60 1st Bowman Investor Lot (x12) NM-MT+

Item Specifics

Year: 2016
Brand Name: Bowman
Set Name: Bowman Draft Baseball
Player/Subject: Kyle Lewis (Seattle Mariners)
Card #: BD60
Condition: NM-MT or better
Quantity: (12)

Please view the provided image(s) for details on item condition and feel free to contact us with any questions you may have about this or any other item we currently have listed. Make sure to join our mailing list to stay up to date on new product listings and promotions as we are always adding new inventory to our site.


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By Dorene Lorenz

From: $200.00

- +

From Dorene Lorenz Home,
Anchorage, AK

Alaska’s first representative in the Miss America contest was Helmericks Lieberman. The 24 year-old Swedish immigrant competed twice representing Alaska, but was disqualified from the 1923 pageant because she was married, even though there was no eligibility rule demanding that women be single.

Miss Alaska aka The Arctic Venus was a model of the Jazz age with her tanned skin, muscular physique and love of sports of all kind. She was arrested at an Atlantic City beach for “exceeding the properties of modesty” while wearing the exact same bathing suit she had competed in on-stage. Original pop art by Dorene Lorenz.

This design is part of the Dorene Lorenz Authentic Alaskana collection which celebrates the Golden Age of Travel featuring timeless images from hand painted postcards curated in her exclusive personal collection of family heirlooms.

This luxurious handmade-to-order 16” throw pillow is fashioned from a soft velvet and has a discreet zipper and can be removed for dry cleaning. The pad is comprised of hypoallegenic polyester fill.

These exceptional pillows are hand-sewn by expert seamstresses in London from first quality materials within four days of receiving your order, shipped to your door via FedEx within three days later.

Designer Cushion:
- High-quality fabric
- A perfect accent to any room
- Duck or down padding
- Edge-to-edge print
- Handmade to order

Care Instructions:
- Wash at 86°F
- Low tumble dry heat
- Hang to dry
- Do not wring
- Low heat iron


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Grid Girl Button Down Top

Layering up is one of the best parts of winter fashion! This button-down top makes layering so simple. This top looks cute buttoned up or unbuttoned as a cropped cardigan. Pair it with an adorable lacey camisole or a cute vest, and you'll feel stylish and trendy. It's lightweight, slightly sheer, and features functional buttons.

Light Weight
Slightly Sheer
Functional Buttons
100% Polyester
Wash Cold
Relaxed Fit

*Measurements listed below are of the actual clothing item*
Small: Chest 38" Length 28"
Medium: Chest 40" Length 28.5"
Large: Chest 42" Length 29"
XL: Chest 44" Length 29.5"

Model Sabrina is 5'7" and is wearing a size S

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Look to the skies tonight, more specifically around 7:30 pm, to catch a glimpse of the rocket launch. An Air Force Minotaur I rocket is scheduled to lift-off tonight, November 19, from NASA’s Wallops Flight Facility.

This is the second Minotaur launch from Wallops in the last three months. The launch will also set a record of 29 satellites launched from a single rocket. As the NASA map above shows, the launch will be visible from northern Florida to southern Canada and as far west as Indiana. That’s a potential viewing radius of up to 1,000 miles. Since we are situated in the zone closest to the launch, the launch will be visible to us almost immediately. This also means that we will have some of the most advantageous views right here inOcean City and along Assateague. Sure, watching a rocket launch would have been a tad bit more enjoyable during last nights’ milder temperatures, but the crisp, clear skies should make for a terrific view nonetheless.

In addition to stepping out your front door or posting up along the coastline, you can also head to the NASA Visitor Center on Wallops, the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge and Assateague Island National Seashore for views of the launch. If you plan on heading to Assateague Island, NASA officials are encouraging viewers to be on the island by 6pm before the entrance gates close. You can also watch the launch live online, courtesy of NASA, beginning at 6:30pm.

The Orbital Sciences Minotaur 1 is a four stage rocket capable of boosting up to 1300 lbs. into low-Earth orbit. The rocket is set to deploy 28 cubseats, including the TJ3Sat, the first satellite built by students to be launched into space. The mission is to launch STPSat 3, a host spacecraft for five experiments and sensors to measure the space environment. Similar rocket launches are slightly unusual for the East Coast, which should yield a surprising show tonight for thousands of East Coast residents. However if you witnessed the September 6 Minotaur 5 rocket launch, expect an equally spectacular show.

Android viewers have the bonus option of downloading the new “What’s Up at Wallops” app, which provides updates and information on the launch, along with a compass showing the precise locations for viewing the launch.

As always, if you snap any great photos, please share them either on our Facebook page or via e-mail to ali@shorebread.com.


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Contact Privacy

Best Puns

The best first: I have two very nice lamps in my living room.
We have an on-and-off relationship.
Our most popular categories:

Our puns are hilarious!

Best Puns

See also: New Puns

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!"
Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!
I got my girlfriend a 'Get better soon' card.

She's not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!"
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A bagel.
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?

Hop in.
Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"
Pharmacists: "Nope, I feel fine."
Shower Pun
A doctor got angry.
He lost all his patients.
Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
He quickly goes under cover.
"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me."
Mike, 48, surgeon
A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks,  examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”
The longest I've ever gone without a pun was 7 days. Pretty weak.
Two underpans meet for a beer.
"Why are you so brown?" asks one.
"Don't ask. It was a really crappy week."
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, "Un, dos..."

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
Horse Pun
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. But I think it's just a stage he's going through.
Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically.
Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well organ-ized.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
 What would you call an obese psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it's not hard, really...
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.
A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender here?”
Which country's capital is the fastest growing?
Answer: Ireland's.
Every year it's Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested?
He was beating eggs every day.
Horse Pun
Why isn't it always hotter in the stadiums after a game?
I mean, all the fans have left.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
What is red and occasionally explodes in the fruit section?
A pomegranate.
If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?

What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
“Gimme my quarter back!!!”
Care to seduce a large woman? Piece of cake.
Punny Snowmen

What do snowmen do in their spare time?
Just chilling.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool.
Ok, give him a bucket of water then.
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
“That will be the paper jamming again!”

What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Pooh.
In theory, 747 shouldn’t ever crash, should it?
It should just go ‘Boeing’.
How can you detect a detective dog?
He's the one with the good lead.
How to catch a squirrel?
Go in a forest and act nuts.
 I’m getting really claustrophobic in elevators. I’ve had to start taking steps to avoid it.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.What lies on the ocean bed and is twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.

I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.
Simple Meth Pun

Most people have 32 teeth. Some just have 8.

It’s simple meth.
Robert Crinklethumbknut, international tongue-twister champion, made headlines when he got arrested. The rumor is, he’s getting a really tough sentence.
Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women?
Because they like curves.
The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

Dirty bastards!
“I want to win 10 million in the lottery, just like my dad did!”

“OMG, your dad won 10 million in the lottery?!”

“No, but he always wanted to.”
What do you call somebody who keeps abandoning their diet plans?
A desserter.
Your shit is my daily bread.

Michael, 36, Sewage worker
Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth.
Derek, 53, Fireman
Where do cows like to go in their spare time?
In the Muuuuuuseum.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Velcros are just a big rip-off.

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Were French fries originally made in France?
Nope, French fries have always been made in Greece!
I know that I'm fat but I’d be really rich in Britain. There they measure their wealth in pounds.
One pen to the other: You are INKredible.
The 3 unwritten rules of business:

Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Notice on a shoe repair shop:
I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
A man in a butcher shop: "I would like bull testicles please."
Butcher: "Me too."
Corny Weather Pun

I was trying to catch some fog earlier but I mist.
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
When does a car perform at its worst?
When it's not tired.
Why did the octopus blush?
He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
Why does Peter Pan fly all the time?
He Neverlands.
Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?
There are too many bugs.
I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day.
Why is the math book so sad?
It's got too many problems!
Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.

What would you call a fish with a missing eye?

A fsh, probably.

I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck.
Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
Why don’t teddy bears ever really eat at their picnics? - Because they’re already stuffed.
I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?
Do you know how Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it!

A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

“Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”
How to achieve a beach body?

1. Have a body

2. Arrive at the beach.
I was kind of bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.
But the neighbors are threatening to call the police unless I put it down again.
Does your wife scream when she is coming?
No, my wife has a key to the door.
Backfiring Pun

Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?
Sure, why not – if it isn’t too cold for you here?
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, one, but the light bulb really has to change itself.
Why didn’t the toilet paper go down the water slide like everybody else?
Well, he got stuck in the crack.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall?

Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

I wonder why there aren’t any more cemeteries around. People are really dying to get in there.
I saw an offer in a shop

“TV for $4.50 – the volume is stuck on maximum"

It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down.
Why is life in North Korea so hard?
Because North Korea lost its Seoul.
What were the words of a truck driver after he got a flat?
Darn, this is a wheely bad time.
I cannot stand insect puns.
They bug the heck out of me.
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
How many Mexicans are necessary to screw in a light bulb?
Only Juan.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door?
Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back.
I think it would be truly alarming.
There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.

The Rushians.
I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels. It just wooden work.
Loyal Arms Joke

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
Why is a skeleton a bad liar?
You can see right through it.
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
The retail store of course.
One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

What is a typical diet of a sea monster?

 Fish and ships.
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.
Policemen are looking into it now.
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.
Losing a wife can be truly hard. Sometimes almost impossible
.One eye winks at the other, you know, between you and me, there’s something smelling.
What should a proper lawyer wear to a court?
A good law suit.

I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
It’s not nice making fun of fat people.
They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
Can February March? No, but April May.

When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter from your window.
You’ll see a butterfly.
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more delighted.
Crossing DNA Pun

What happens when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: You get a frostbite.
My girlfriend bet me I’d never be able to build a car out of spaghetti. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.
Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?
Hundreds of soles were lost!
Why are there so few schools in the jungles of eastern Africa?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why are Apple staff absolutely forbidden to fart in Apple stores?

Because there are no windows.
Why does your dog run into the corner each time the bell rings?
He’s a Boxer.

I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor.
You can call me a cereal killer now!
Why did the calf cross the road?
It wanted to get to the udder side.
What was Hitler’s favorite candy?
Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.
How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill.
My friend commented that my clothes looked pretty gay. Well, said I, they did come out of the closet...
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Just needs a little boogey!
What kind of a driver doesn’t know how to drive?

The screwdriver.
I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles because it seemed fun. Now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must've belonged to some junkie though because I've been tripping the whole day.

Three guys walk into a bar. Why? Because they’re blind.
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
I have the memory of an elephant.
I very clearly remember seeing an elephant once in the Chicago zoo.
Q: Why did the lights go out?
A: They liked each other a lot.
Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.
What did I do when I landed in Iraq by mistake?
Stairs cannot be trusted. They’re always UP to something.
I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.
Cheesy Pun

This may come across as cheesy - but I think you’re grate.
I have butterflies in my stomach.
Paul (11), a.k.a. The Boy Who’d Eat Just About Anything
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
Finds the nearest skyscraper.
It sucks working from home today.

Peter (52), Fireman
The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar.
Things get tense.
What would you call a female magician in the desert?
A sandwich."
What’s the difference between a sticker, a tuna, and a piano?"

"No idea."

"You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t piano a tuna."

"Oh. And what’s with the sticker?"

"I knew you'd get stuck there."
Why did the banana have to go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling too well.
Why did Billy throw his pocket watch out of the window?
Because he heard his parents saying that time flies.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime, no problem!
The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.
Will sell broken marionettes. No strings attached.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
She always ran away from the ball.
What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants?
Swimming trunks.
A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital. One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going. Apparently, “no change yet.”

How do monsters prefer their eggs?
Salt meets pepper on a plate and says, “I’m feeling all scattered today.”

See also: Dad JokesNew Puns

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Design&style: Sweden (in Finnish)

Design&tyyli: Ruotsi (Design&style: Sweden) is a publication about Swedish design and style. It showcases nine different homes that share the same kind of relaxed attitude for cozy living. The story of the famous democratic design with its often hidden designers is worth reading. The publications is in Finnish.

ISBN 978-952-68692-3-0. 116 s.
Published by Vitosmedia Oy, 2018.


text:
Prophecies Ch. 1

Chapter 1: The Iron Lady

Copyright © 2014 by Brian Bixby.

The world runs on fictions, not facts. It has to. Facts are too inconvenient, too irregular, too factual. Far better the smoothness of a fiction, a lie, a tale told to soothe our feelings and our consciences. Except that the fictions often hurt and trouble us as much as any facts.

One of the fictions the world ran on was the idea that I worked from 8 AM to 5 PM, with an hour off at noon for lunch. My employment contract stated I worked a forty-hour work week, and that was a fiction, too. I came in when I was good and ready, and worked as long as I needed to get my work done. You don’t like my hours? Fine, don’t complain when I don’t put in unpaid overtime to solve your problems for you. People understood, mostly. Those that didn’t complained to my boss, Ted Hute, who liked my performance too well to bother me with such nonsense.

But even Ted had his limits, and I was about to run into one of them.

It was Monday morning. I’d been out late last night helping my roommate Mary drown her sorrows after being dumped. So when my alarm went off at 7, I just hit the snooze button a few times. Aspirin, orange juice, and a shower later, I finally set out for work and arrived just after 9:30. Not too shabby.

The main lobby wasn’t very busy, and the security guard, who knew me by name, just waved me through. I hopped the elevator, got out at the fourth floor, and saw our appropriately young and pretty receptionist, Jenny Kalska, beaming at me.

Well, until she saw who I was. Then her smile died instantly, to be replaced by a worried look. She stood up from behind her desk as I approached, and in a loud whisper said to me, “Em, the Iron Lady’s here, and she’s been looking for you since 8:30.”

“Well, Jen, I guess she’ll find me soon,” I replied nonchalantly. But inwardly, my heart sank. The Iron Lady was Mrs. Herbert C. Chattings, the head of the agency. Decades ago, she’d had it dumped in her lap when her husband up and died at age 27. Instead of running it into the ground, she had built it up into a successful multi-state operation.

I’d never dealt with Mrs. Chattings directly, but I’d heard stories. Employees were not quite serfs in the Iron Lady’s eyes. Serfs had souls. Ours had been bought and paid for. One did not disagree with, second-guess, or defy Mrs. Chattings, or else terrible things would happen.

But, hey, what could she do to me? On the other hand, I didn’t want to find out. So I walked down the elegant hallways, past the offices which were the only parts of the agency clients ever saw, and through the security door to the cube farm in the back. That is where half the real work of the agency is done. And that is where I have my office, my own little cube, with more hyped-up computer power than some countries own.

I’m a data analyst for the agency. I get the customer stories, the reports of our detectives, police reports, motor vehicle registry reports, news, and the price of tea in China thrown in for good measure, and run it through my computers, looking for clues, clients, and above all else, patterns. My job is to make sure that when our detectives and lawyers go out into the world, they are armed with the information they need to make the agency rich. Speaking for myself, I’m damn good at it.

I didn’t head to my office directly, but to the kitchen/lounge, where I waved hello to various colleagues, poured myself a cup of coffee, and grabbed myself a donut. Just as I was about to leave, Ron Baker loudly intoned in a deep voice, “Fisher late to meeting with Iron Lady. Details on funeral to follow.”

I flipped Ron a bird, to the laughter of the others in the room, and headed over to my cube. Before I even got there, Ted Hute caught up to me.

Ted’s a tall guy, sandy hair, brows stuck in a permanent frown from worries. The lines on his forehead looked like canals this morning. “Emily, where have you been? Mrs. Chattings has been waiting for over an hour for you.”

I joked, “I don’t remember her having an appointment.”

Ted’s face crinkled up into an even more worried look.

“Okay, okay,” I told him, “I’m coming. Do I need anything? And what’s this about?”

Ted shook his head. “Whatever it is, you’re treading on thin ice. She demanded your personnel files while she’s been waiting.”

Great. And my headache was still throbbing in the back of my head. I nodded and let Ted steer me to his office.

Mrs. Chattings was sitting behind Ted’s desk, looking as if she didn’t think this was impressive enough for someone of her dignity. Since she’s barely five feet tall, she had to develop a lot of dignity to run her agency. Kings have had less dignity than the Iron Lady. She looked at me as if she were contemplating which form of execution would cause me the most pain and suffering. For a woman in her sixties, she looked well; must be all those opportunities to express her temper keep her happy. Well, it looked like I was about to get the famous treatment.

Without shouting, she barked out, “You’re Emily Fisher, a senior data analyst in our employ when you bother to show up to work.”

She paused, as if waiting for me to reply. And here’s where environment kicked in. I’m not one of the agency’s detectives, but I have to deal with them a lot. One of their rules is never to let the other person take the initiative in a confrontation. So rather than nod and tug at my nonexistent forelock, I just barked back, “Sometimes I even do analysis when I don’t show up for work.”

Amazingly, she smiled at that remark, baring her teeth. It was the sort of smile I’d expect to see on a piranha just before it sank its teeth into a victim. “You’ll have plenty of opportunity for that with this new assignment. You grew up in Quasopon, Vermont.” Her tone of voice made it clear this was not a question. Mrs. Chattings knew whereof she spoke, always.

I’m thinking to myself, just where the hell is this going? Preferably not back to Quasopon. I replied, “I haven’t been back there since I was 18.”

“You keep up connections there?”

“No. None.”

“Not even your parents?”

“Not even them.”

The Iron Lady seemed dissatisfied with my replies. I got the impression that I was morally culpable for not staying in touch with my home town. Well, maybe I was, but it wasn’t for her to say so. At least I thought so. Not that that mattered to Mrs. Chattings.

Then she threw me a curve I should have expected, but hadn’t even wanted to consider. In that same barking voice, she asked, “You know who the Children of the New Revelation are?”

Ah, yes. Or, oh, yes. Or, oh my god, no, not them! Yeah, I know. I know too damn much about them, and not enough at the same time. I slowly nodded to that one.

The Iron Lady leaned back, casting her eyes up to the ceiling. “We’ve had a request from the ruling body of the Children to supply them with an investigator to help them solve a murder. They specifically asked for you. When we pointed out that you were not a trained investigator, they insisted on it being you, and indicated they were willing to pay a premium for your services. The local . . .”

I couldn’t let this go on, so I interrupted her, “They want me because I am one of the Fallen.”

The Iron Lady snapped her head forward when I interrupted. She looked at me as if it was unheard of to interrupt her. And then when I finished, she just continued on, as if my interruption was of no account at all. “The local police acknowledge they cannot solve the crime, and are willing to co-operate with you, and you alone. We have agreed to tender your services, until either the murder is solved or the Children of the New Revelation decide to dispense with your services. They will provide you with lodgings, meals, and transportation while you are working on the case. As they expressed a great urgency to have you start, the agency has booked you a flight out at 12:35 P.M.” And with that she pushed forward a folder. “All the information you will need is in the folder. Good morning, Ms. Fisher.”

It was a clear dismissal.

Except I wasn’t going to be dismissed so easily. I was not going back to Quasopon, no matter what the Iron Lady said. Rather than reach for the folder, I looked her square in the eye and said, “I am not a detective. I know nothing about how to conduct an investigation. And I am completely uninterested in giving the Children a shot at saving my soul.” I kept raising the volume of my voice as I spoke, until I was shouting the last few words.

The Iron Lady didn’t even blink at my shouting. Instead, she stood up (not that that meant much, at her height), and in that same barking voice said, “I have reviewed your record, Ms. Fisher. Your work has been often praised, even if your temperament has not. I expect you to perform professionally and to the credit of the agency. You will do so, as required by your terms of employment. Now, your flight leaves in a little over two hours. I suggest you make haste.”

I recognized the threat behind her words: do this, or get fired. In fact, do this, and do it well, or get fired. And it was all said without being said, so one could not argue against it, or negotiate for better terms. There were none. Mrs. Chattings had spoken.

I took the folder and walked out of Ted’s office, silent and fuming. I thought of flipping a bird at Mrs. Chattings as I was leaving, but realized it would be pointless. Such a gesture of futile defiance would be beneath her notice.

End of chapter one

(Link to next chapter)

17 Responses to Prophecies Ch. 1

  1. E. J. Barnes says:

    Off with a bang.
    I think that Mrs. Chattings would have her own office, at least if this is the main building — and that’s even if she rarely showed up to use it.

    • Brian Bixby says:

      Mrs. Chattings does have a fancy office at the agency’s headquarters, primarily to entertain important clients. She’s rather indifferent to such things herself, and she CERTAINLY doesn’t need an impressive office to impress her employees. So when she goes to a branch office, like the one Emily works at, it’s a dire event, and she uses whatever office she chooses. It’s not like the usual occupant of the office is going to argue with her!

  2. crimsonprose says:

    Hook baited and waiting. Like the Iron Lady, that is a bitch of a beginning. Curiosity piqued, now awaiting next week. By the way, ref. previous discussion. I found quote by Dickens: ‘Make them laugh, make them cry, make them wait.’

    • Brian Bixby says:

      This one’s been sitting incomplete on my laptop for a while, now. I find that helps, since it gives me time to think of building up the environment. So now that I’m setting it down, the ideas on what’s missing and what needs to be done are coming along well.

      Which raises an interesting question, reflecting on the Dickens quotation: do I have to make myself wait a while with a story before I can figure out ways to make my readers wait?

      • crimsonprose says:

        As you know, I am an advocat of the slow backburner. Put it away and forget it. You then read it with a fresh eye – as if you are a first time reader. Problems in plot and character then screech out. Or, to raddle [sic] a saw: two waits in time make a plot-work. . CP

  3. danagpeleg1 says:

    5 feet tall, female and nasty. Do I track a pattern here?

    • Brian Bixby says:

      It wasn’t intentional, and no, Mrs. Chattings is not a vampire.

      Martha, under a different name, came first. She was originally a bit character, and her height and sometimes childishness was designed to make her seem an innocent police informant! Obviously, what you saw of her in “Martha’s Children” is quite different. Someday I’ll have to get around to posting or publishing the original story.

      Mrs. Chattings, on the other hand, was designed as she is, with her diminutive height in stark contrast to her character. In short (pun intended), her character was designed from scratch to be similar to Martha’s “normal” temperament in 1969, minus the sense of humor. In Mrs. Chattings’ case, it was the only way she could take control and lead the agency her husband left her.

  4. danagpeleg1 says:

    Interesting! In my next incarnation though, I’d rather be six feet tall, like Abigail Lane…

    • Brian Bixby says:

      Or perhaps six-foot-three, like Sylvia Thompson, Valerie Thompson’s mother and Abigail’s friend, though to be fair, you’ve not been properly introduced to Sylvia yet.

  5. danagpeleg1 says:

    “Yet”? Sounds promising…

    • Brian Bixby says:

      Sylvia’s been kicking around the Sillyverse longer than any character you’ve seen, except for Geoff and Maggie from “The Misplaced Voyage.” In fact, all three got their start in the original Sillyverse story. Ironically, Silly herself didn’t show up until I worked Sylvia’s history backwards. And then Abigail was invented as I worked Silly’s history backwards.

      The original Sillyverse story’s been sitting around for a while, waiting for me to revise it. That’s something I should do this summer. But I’m more likely to tackle Silly and Sylvia’s first meeting here on the blog first. We’ll see.

  6. danagpeleg1 says:

    Looking forward to it…

  7. lly1205 says:

    Yay, a fun new story! I’ve been running out of stuff to read over breakfast and I think this will be great. Also, thank you for visiting my first post in a seeming age! I really appreciate it 🙂

    • Brian Bixby says:

      I hope you will find it enjoyable. And glad to see you back blogging. I didn’t think I’d seen much from you since “A Brief History of Ladies.”

      • lly1205 says:

        I hope I can blog on a regular basis despite this MA – econometrics everywhere! Ick. Although I’ve still managed to write a bit in my spare time, “A Brief History” is on hold until I figure out a delicious way to work out the middle :S

        • Brian Bixby says:

          Grad studies do tend to be all-consuming; at least mine often were, though they were not in economics. Your studies, whatever you do to get an income, time to have the barest elements of a social life . . . eh, you will have to make time for blogging and writing to get any done. Good luck and time to you!

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A 10-Point Plan for (Without Being Overwhelmed)

Things You Must Look into Before Choosing a Restaurant

There are many things you should consider before settling in any restaurant. These days it’s had to trust anyone as, and most restaurants are driven by profit and not quality food. You deserve a restaurant that will prioritize that will give you the best experience and make sure you get nothing but top-notch services. This explains why you need to take your choice seriously by contemplating some essential things before you choose. Considering a few elements before making up your mind will guide you to choose the best restaurant. Read the content below to have a clear understanding of the things you need to look into before choosing a restaurant.

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When choosing a restaurant, you must also think of the experience they have in the market. A restaurant with the best knowledge of the field is always in a place to offer the best services. This is because they know great skills and exposure. Check the knowledge level of the restaurant you are choosing by looking at the period they have been offering the same service. A restaurant that has been operating for a while is worth choosing because they must have they have collected enough skills and know what their clients like. They know what’s new and know how to make their clients have the best experience on the table. They are also considered to have great integrity for being in the same field for a long period.

It is always essential to also look at the location. A restaurant should be in a strategic place that suits your interest. Choose a restaurant you can easily reach and in a cool and beautiful environment. In conclusion, above some of the strategies, you should put in place when you want to have a reliable restaurant.

5 Takeaways That I Learned About

6 Facts About Everyone Thinks Are True


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NHS Exit Up Right 449HTM

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Sing for Pleasure

Lost in Space (JSB #7)

Lost in Space (JSB #7)

Lost in Space is a further collection of simple part-songs and rounds for teenagers and Key Stage 2. Containing a variety of styles, Lost in Space includes the popular spiritual Rocka Ma Soul, the environmental round Conservation Round, and the traditional Dona Nobis Pacem. Edited by Elisabeth J Wild.

Members can access recordings of these songs here. Become a member today to access these exclusive, free resources.

Become a member before you buy to receive 10% off this purchase.

Adult Membership (26+)Youth Membership (under 26)
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Repertoire :

1. Lost in Space – Alan Simmons
2. Jazz Pick ‘n’ Mix – David Machell
3. Soualle – arr Terry Abrams
4. Conservation Round – Sue Wilding
5. Rocka ma Soul – arr James Wild
6. The Baby Sardine – James Wild (words: Spike Milligan)
7. Dona Nobis Pacem – Anon
8. Hewenu Shalom – Traditional Israeli

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October 27, 2017

Smartphone Apps for Singing and Strumming The Guitar

I have a ton of apps on my smartphone…

For everything….

My calendars are on there….
My to-do lists are on there…

I use the music apps…

And I have a ton of music apps…but I only use a few over and over…

What are they?

Now this is a nice application that allows you to practice chords on the guitar. In time…

You really aughta play with this.

It keeps track of how much time and how effective you are in learning skills.

I admit that I go through times of not using it…but it helps every time I use it.

Uberchord can be found here.

OK…you want to learn how to sing. You know you have to sing songs. And you should.

You should listen to songs.

Copy what you hear.

This is the best way to get an authentic sound.

But you also probably want to do some exercises.

Now I have talked about this some how you probably want to do some real song exercises. And I believe that.

But..still..some artificial exercises can be helpful.

And here you get 3 of them every day…

You get an Agility, a Head voice, and a Core exercise. And they do help. It recognizes when you are on the right note and it grades you.

They have also added a performance song. here you sing along with a well known artist.

It’s helping me. Checkout Vanido here.

Amazing Slow Downer.

When I’m doing my singing practice.

I take a song by one of the great ones.

Like Sam Cooke…

Or Mahalia Jackson…

Or Aretha Franklin…

And then I load it into Amazing Slow Downer.

And then I slow it down so that I can figure out the runs that are in the song.

I also bring the pitch down to my range.

And then I’m ready to sing.

Slowly speeding it up.

And slowing putting the pitch up to where it should be.

I have written about the Amazing Slow Downer here.

Get these 3 apps and you will be ready for action. I think they are all on IOS as well as Apple.

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Interbike 2016: Elevenpine Deployable Baggies

by 1

Shorts Open...
Shorts Open…

Based in Boulder Colorado, young clothing company Elevenpine is out to reconcile the competing demands of on-bike performance with pre- and post-ride modesty.  While riding, they wanted a slim short that wouldn’t interfere with pedaling- but didn’t want something that drew too much unwanted attention during post-ride drinks.

...And Closed
…And Closed

Tailored for different riding styles, the abrasion-resistant Crankitup (mountain) and lighweight Uprising (road/performance) have zippers along the outside thigh that draw the short in from the seat down.  While the concept could be odd if executed poorly, it has to be said that Elevenpine have done a good job at making the hardware blend in and that the shorts look very normal when open.  When closed, both do a good job of hugging the rider’s leg- which will minimise interference and flapping.  It’s a neat idea and the booth appeared to draw a steady stream of casual cyclists and those looking to shake the Lycra habit.

Short are offered alone or with one of the better liners we’ve seen for both men and women.  The company also offers a ladies’ skirt that cinches at the hip while riding.  Learn more at

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The Orville #13: Ja'loja

"Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself."
IN THIS ONE... The lives and loves of the crew as Bortus' annual pee ceremony looms.

The Orville's second season eschews a big SF plot for character work, which is kind of bold, but also appreciated. Season 2 is, in fact, more character driven, and I am so invested in these characters by now, that I don't even notice something might be missing. A return to Moclus ends up being pretty uneventful in the traditional sense, and Bortus gets to pee unimpeded even by familial strife. It's a pretext, basically. His Ja'loja is to be followed by a party, and it's bad luck to not bring a +1, so various characters will be dealing with who to bring, and so on. In the process, character arcs are pushed forward, plot lines are set up (without us realizing without hindsight), and new characters are introduced. I AM impressed at how the various story strands intertwine to make the whole; you can't quite jettison anyone's story without impacting someone else's.

The big thing on The Orville is always going to be the Ed-Kelly relationship, and while he's finding refuge at the bottle of a bottle, she's moved on and is dating a school teacher aboard ship - Cassius. As you might imagine, Ed gets jealous and makes a fool of himself, and for all his "evolved ethics" Cassius is a bit bro-cody about it which leaves Kelly feeling cut off. What's beautiful here is that Ed loves Kelly so much, he's willing to help Cassius get back in her good graces rather than sabotage their relationship. Cassius being a teacher connects to Claire's eldest, Marcus (who's growing like garden weeds, though perhaps not as much as Topa who is now physically 8 years old), and Dr. Finn's challenges raising a rebellious teenager. She comes in conflict with the parents of a traditional "bad influence" who believe MARCUS is the bad seed (they get caught when Kelly and Cassius go to the simulator and find them drunk on hacked vodka, it all connects), but Isaac works it all out and scores a date to the Ja'loja party with Claire. He's the weird father figure the kids don't have - are you weirdly 'shipping them yet? Obviously, this is a relationship that started in Into the Fold (episode 8), and it's becoming something to watch for.

Being unlucky in love isn't just Ed's thing. This is the episode where Gordon Malloy is explicitly made to be a romantic loser who never got the girl unless she made the first move (I relate), including a stalker who, in the end, decided he was too clingy. He has a crush on another addition to the crew, black matter cartographer Janel Tyler, so gets help from John to get some kind of Mojo working. The dating simulator is amusing, and the zipper jacket ridiculous, but in the end, it looks like Janel wasn't designed to be a love interest for him, but for the Captain (see? it all connects). The crew member least integral to the story is Alara, who nevertheless pops up in everyone's story, either welcoming Janel aboard or connecting with Ed while we meet the ship's new bartender Olix or giving advice to Gordon or, and this is the bit that's thematically consistent, being sent on a fix-up with bulbous-headed Dann, a character that is cemented as one of the regulars here after causing enough of a splash in Season 1. He's lame, clingy, and a bad poet, everything Alara is not looking for in a mate. Notably, they go to a restaurant aboard ship (Mooska's) that isn't the mess hall... sure are a lot of opportunities for leisure aboard a Union ship.

If you love these characters, then the absence of the usual A-plot won't matter, and the humor is predominantly character-based, which is also good. Without spoiling things, I can say that at least four of the threads introduced here will fuel future stories and subplots for the rest of the season. I also want to give a shout-out to the way MacFarlane is world-building. In most Trek, you might see a big discovery in one episode, and then it never gets mentioned again. In The Orville, dark matter was discovered in Season 1's "Pria", and now there's such a posting as a dark matter cartographer. Similarly, the Orville and its shuttles didn't have cloaking ability until the cloaked transmitting station in episode 2. Though the show is telling done-in-one stories, the big picture status quo remains fluid. I like that a lot.

WHERE SOMEONE HAS GONE BEFORE: Star Trek's second season also started with a crew member needed to return to their planet for a biologically-mandated ceremony in the episode "Amok Time". The map of the Battle of Terazed in the classroom looks just like Trek's official 3D map of the Alpha Quadrant. Dr. Finn's problem with her son being friends with a bad influence mirrors Benjamin Sisko's own when Jake started hanging out with Nog, but with very different results. You wouldn't know it, but Olix the rhinoceran bartender is played by Jason Alexander, who did appear in Voyager's "Think Tank"; his character appears in five episodes in Season 2. Coincidentally, the Enterprise's bartender Guinan, also played by a known star, started in TNG Season 2. Topa's growth cycle is akin to Alexander's (Moclans and Klingons are analogs, after all).

Had it felt more momentous, I could have given it a High, but I'm very happy with the unfolding soap opera, thanks.

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Our Passion

Elevating life experiences through heirloom quality products created in the Spirit of the West since 1876.

Burns since 1876, headquartered in Salina, Utah, is the oldest, same family-owned Western retail business in the world. Miles Lamonie Burns, a hard-working cowboy and talented craftsman, opened the first Burns retail shop at the gateway of Capitol Reef near Torrey, Utah in the spring of 1876. The business has been passed down through generations from parent to child. Today, Burns 5th and 6th generation owners share the traditions of the West with you by handcrafting beautiful heirloom products for horse and rider. So, sit a spell with Burns as we share our passion with you!

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