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The Business Rusch: Royalty Statements Update

The Business Rusch: Royalty Statements Update

Kristine Kathryn Rusch

This morning, I got another royalty statement.  This one came from a medium-sized national publisher, not one of the erroneously named Big Six.  I stared at the statement in shock.

After the week I had just experienced, I forgot that royalty statements could be accurate and informative.

Now, honestly, I haven’t audited this company: I have no definite proof that the statement is accurate.  But the book sales were in line with information I had gotten from booksellers, BookScan, and other sources.  And the e-book sales were exactly as expected, maybe even a bit higher than expected, given the fact that this e-book was only available on one site, and the e-book outsold other (shorter) stories in the same series.

Honestly, all of that information was refreshing—especially after the week I had had.

I posted last week’s post on inaccurate e-book royalty statements issued by the traditional publishers.  Much as I hate the term “the Big Six,” I’m going to use it here, just to delineate those publishers from other publishers that have sprung up in the past fifteen years.

For those of you who haven’t read last week’s post, I suggest you click here, particularly if you are a traditionally published author who has had books published (now or in the past) with the Big Six.  If you aren’t a traditionally published author, please forward this blog and last week’s to your writer friends who have had books published from well-known publishing houses.  You (and/or those friends) need to check your royalty statements, and you must do so now.

In short, that blog post stated that I had looked at my royalty statements from a Big Six publisher, and could not believe the e-book number.  It wasn’t in the realm of reality, particularly given the sales of novellas in the same series that I had put up on Kindle myself.  According to all the information I had access to, the novellas sold fewer copies than the traditionally published e-book.  The royalty statement, however, indicated that my indie e-books had outsold the traditionally published one ten times over.

I knew that wasn’t possible, and started researching the numbers behind the scenes with lawyers, accountants, agents, writers, and other friends inside the publishing industry.  I learned that I wasn’t seeing something unique to me: I was seeing an industry-wide problem that no one was talking about.

So far as I can tell, my blog post was the first mention of this problem in public.

Here’s my great frustration.  I can’t tell you much of what I have learned in the intervening seven days.  Because I have journalism training and because I’m very clear on my legal obligations as someone who writes nonfiction publicly, I’m not going to give you information I can’t verify.    Verification means I need two on-the-record sources.  I am not going to list the names of the publishing companies I heard about because I have not looked at other writers’ royalty statements.  I do not know if the information reported to me by individuals is correct, because I haven’t checked.  (For the record, I believe the information is accurate, but again, I have no actual proof of that.)

I know a lot of you want me to break this habit because other bloggers do.

Other bloggers routinely open themselves up to lawsuits.  Even though I have a lot of lawyer friends, I really would rather spend my hard-earned dollars on things other than legal claims, bogus or otherwise.

So, my friendly readers, you’re going to have to put up with my cautiousness and my occasional vague comments.  You’ll also have to put up with this: when someone tells me something as deep background, even though I know that information is factual, I am not going to tell you all of the details of that information because I can’t prove it.

Got that?

So…what happened last week?

Well, I posted my blog and within the first 12 hours…

…I got about half of my usual number of comments, no e-mail, and no phone calls. I felt disconcerted.  I had expected a pile of comments, a pile of e-mails, and a lot of outrage.

Instead, people were silent.

So I mentioned it to Dean and he gave me this look he has that he reserves for moments when he believes I’m being ridiculous, but he’s unwilling to actually put that statement into words.

Finally, I couldn’t take it any more.  I said, “What????”

He said (in his “you’re being unbelievably clueless” voice), “Rusch, they’re checking their royalty statements, contacting their agents, and forwarding the link to their writers organizations.”

Turns out he was right.  I didn’t get home until late Thursday night, and by then, I had dozens of e-mails and a lot of comments.  There are some spectacular observations in those comments.  If you haven’t looked at those, please do.

The e-mails and conversations (and comments) continued throughout the weekend and into this week.  A lot of people shared  private information.  I saw copies of letters forwarded to the heads of writers organizations.  I also heard from several lawyers who, without breaking confidentiality in their own cases, said, “I read your blog and none of it surprises me.”  Meaning: they  had known about this and were confirming what I had blogged about.

I received the same comment from a few forensic accountants and one or two agents.

The early comments that surprised me came from indie writers who had never gone the traditional route. The indie writers, who had traditionally published friends, couldn’t believe that the friends had such low e-book numbers.  The indie-published writers kept hearing from their traditionally published friends that there wasn’t much money to be made in e-books.

I’d heard that too, and I figured it had more to do with the way that traditional publishers pay for the sales than it did for the sales themselves.  For those of you that don’t know, most traditional publishers pay writers 25% of net on e-book sales or 15% of gross.  Let’s ignore the definitions of “gross” and “net” for a moment, and pretend that those words equal a hard and fast number when they clearly don’t, and here’s the cold truth of it:

Most writers assume that 25% of net means 25% of 70% of the cover price of the book, which comes out to 17.5% of cover.   For traditionally published writers with an agent, that writer will get 25% of 70%  minus 15% for the agent or about 14.9% of cover.  So for a traditionally published book that sells for $7.99, the publisher would receive $5.59.  The publisher would then pay the writer 25% of that amount or about $1.40.  That money would then go to an agent, who would remove another 15%.  In the end, the writer would receive $1.19.

See why I thought the complaints from traditionally published writers referred to money and not to actual sales?

Apparently, however, the indie writers were hearing this complaint without the knowledge of the way book contracts work, which meant that, in this case, the indie writers heard the complaint correctly.  They heard their traditionally published friends say there was no money in e-books because e-books didn’t sell very well.

And…if you only looked at the royalty statements from at least some of the Big Six, that’s exactly what  you would believe.

Apparently, some of the Big Six publishers are significantly underreporting the actual number of e-books sold on writers’ royalty statements.

I heard from dozens upon dozens of traditionally published writers last week, and to a person without exception, they had all looked at their royalty statements and found discrepancies like the ones I found.  Some—and I find this terrifying—had the exact same numbers reported on their statement as were on my statement.

That’s not possible, folks.  In a six-month period, each individual book title sells a different number of copies than another individual book title, even if the titles are in the same genre.

But within one company at least, the one I was most familiar with, several of us had identical e-book sales for the same period.  Some writers in that company who had published books in a series had identical e-book numbers for each book in that series.  Again, not possible.

Because of my blog post, at least a dozen writers sat down with numbers and calculators in hand. These writers compared the sales of their self-published e-book titles to the sales of their traditionally published e-book titles, and found startling discrepancies.  Even adjusting for price differences (Big Six e-books were priced higher than the self-published books), these writers discovered that their Big Six publishers reported e-book sales of one-tenth to one-one-hundredth of their indie-published titles.

Some of these writers are bestsellers.  Their bestselling frontlist novels (released in the past year)—with full advertising and company wide support—sold significantly fewer copies than their self-published e-books, books that had been out for years, books that had no promotion at all.

As I said in last week’s post, the reported sales numbers from some of the Big Six publishers do not pass the sniff test.

I still stand by last week’s statement that this comes not from malice, but from an unwillingness to improve accounting systems to accommodate the new technology.  (See my blog post and the resulting comments from people who have worked in high-level corporations to understand why.)

I urged writers to notify their writers organizations about this problem, not because I want writers to sue the publishers, although I’m certain some individual writers will. I urged writers to notify their writers organizations because I want a large enough group of writers to demand an audit of their own royalty statements to cause an upheaval in Big Six accounting departments.

If one or two writers request audits, then those writers will benefit from the mistakes they find.  If a hundred, two hundred, or a thousand writers per publishing house request an audit of their individual royalty statements, then that’s a large enough number to get the corporation’s attention, and to force changes in the traditionally publishing accounting practices.

The changes need to happen.  It is clear to me, from the emails I have received, that at least one Big Six publishing house is using a formula to calculate e-book sales.  No one in the accounting department is looking at the actual e-book sales of each individual title.  I know from experience that this house is still issuing royalty statements that look no different from royalty statements issued in the 1990s. This suggests to me that someone tried to shoehorn the new technology into an ancient program.

In the recession, no company wants to spend money on parts of a business that seem—from the company’s point of view—to be working just fine.  So writers need to make the company realize that this part of the system is not working just fine, and needs repair, immediately.

I now believe such repair will happen.  Several writers sent me copies of the letters they sent to the presidents of their writers organizations.  I also know that at least two major writers organizations are now looking into the e-book royalty sales reporting problem, and have appointed a task force within the organization to deal with this.

I also know that two major agencies are also investigating the e-book royalty problems.  Several other agencies have directed their accounting departments to do exactly what the writers above did: compare the e-book sales as reported by the Big Six for each writer and/or book title represented by the agency.  The agencies are already finding what I learned: that at least one company has identical e-book numbers for writers whose print books sell at similar levels.

I don’t know what kind of action these big agencies will take, if any.  But the agencies stand to lose millions of dollars in commissions if these e-book sales are misreported, so I suspect the agencies will take some kind of action.

Finally, a handful of authors have let me know that they will be taking action on their own as individuals.  Whether that action means an audit or means that these authors are hiring an attorney to investigate, I don’t know and I did not ask. But these writers are, like me, independent-minded, and prefer to take matters into their own hands.

That’s the e-book problem.

During the past seven days, another problem—just as severe—also crossed my desk.  Several writers complained that their print sales numbers, as reported on their royalty statements, did not jibe with their Bookscan numbers.  One writer went so far as to say not only did the numbers not jibe with Bookscan, the numbers also don’t match the print runs their editor told them that the book actually had (not the estimated run, but the actual run) nor did the numbers match the sales figures provided to the writers by some independent booksellers.  In fact, in the case of yet another writer whose book is still on sale—and selling—the numbers are even more baffling.  That writer’s royalty statements show no sales at all for the first half of last year, even though the writer knew of hundreds of sales through various outlets.

All of this caught my attention, but the part that really made me sit up and notice were the repeated references to Bookscan numbers.

Why do I consider it important that these writers’ sales do not jibe with Bookscan?

Because Bookscan only tracks 50-70% of the books sold in America.  (This percentage may go down with the downfall of Borders.)  To a person, each writer reported that their Bookscan numbers were higher than the sales reported on their royalty statements, even for backlist titles on which no reserves against returns were supposedly held.

In other words, the sales figures on the royalty statement should be higher than the Bookscan numbers, and in each writer’s case, the reported numbers from the publishing house on the royalty statement was significantly lower than the Bookscan number for the exact same time period.

That’s not possible, folks.

At first, this disparity came to me from writers with the same Big Six publisher that inspired my blog posts.  I figured that publisher had significant problems in its accounting department unique to the publisher.  Then I heard from other writers from some other companies.  And these writers mentioned a similar problem.

Tellingly, I am not hearing about every Big Six publisher.  But I’m hearing about enough of them to be relieved that attorneys, agents, and the writers organizations have finally figured out that there is a huge problem in royalty reporting.

We traditionally published writers have always known that royalty statements were inaccurate.  (See my trust-me blog post of a few weeks back.)  We assumed, based on audits done in the 1980s and 1990s by various writers organizations, that these inaccuracies were relatively small—a tiny percentage of one percent at the worst.  Now, it seems, that these inaccuracies are much higher than any of us realized.

I do think some of that has to do with the economic changes, as well as the changes brought on by consolidation.  Many of these large conglomerates stress an increase in quarterly profits, which can’t always be achieved in the publishing industry every quarter.  I truly wonder—and I have no information to back this up—if that quarterly profit emphasis forced some creative accounting that benefits the publishing division of the conglomerate and hurts writers across the board.

Because if I believe something else is going on, then, well, we’re entering into the realm of lawyers, and laws regulating corporate activity, and contacting attorneys general, and I really really really don’t want to think about that.

That’s for the large agencies, the various writers advocates, and the writers organizations to worry about.

Before I wrap up this post, however, I need to do two things.

First, I need to thank everyone who e-mailed me, who donated, who commented, and who wrote private letters of support.  I can’t tell you how much all of that means. “Thank you” seems very, very inadequate, but thank you!

I also need to thank the people who did not contact me directly.  A large number of you blogged about this, sent letters to friends, contacted your writers organizations, and tweeted this to various writing circles.  Thank you as well.

The more writers look into this, the better off we will all be.  Writers will continue to pursue traditional publishing contracts with the Big Six in the next decade. Because you all have taken action here, those writers will have a better chance of earning a living from their e-book sales than they ever had before.

Secondly, I need to recap what I’ve learned this past week and where exactly we are at.  Here’s what I learned:

•The writers who contacted me, to a person, found serious discrepancies in their Big Six e-book sales as reported in their royalty statements.

•Several writers also reported inaccuracies in their print sales as reported in their royalty statements.

•Writers have contacted the major writers organizations.

•At least two of those writers organizations take this matter very seriously and are having meetings to discuss what each individual organization can do.

•At least two major agencies representing some of the biggest bestsellers in the business are now looking into this matter as well.  At least one of those agencies has assigned its accounting department to investigate further (whatever that means).

•Several writers have chosen to ask for audits of their Big Six royalty statements on their own.

Even more is happening that I can’t tell you about.

Plus I’m sure a lot has happened that I am not privy to.

I fully expect to hear nothing in the next few weeks about this issue.  People/agencies/organizations need time to crunch their own numbers, figure out what course of action to take (if any), and how to resolve any problems that come up as result of the internal investigations.

I’m just happy that people with clout are now taking on this quite serious problem.

I also have to say how honored I am by all the action you readers have taken.  I have come a long way from my worry in the hours after I first posted last week’s blog.  Dean was right: those of you who could checked your royalty statements; those of you who are indie writers contacted your friends; many, many of you (and I have no idea how many) contacted all of the major writers organizations; and a few of you with better math skills than I have put together stunning presentations that provided good hard evidence using your own numbers, evidence that will go a long way in convincing the right people to take some kind of action, whatever that might mean.

So thanks.

It’s been a mind-blowing week.  I hope all of this behind-the-scenes activity will make a significant difference in the lives (and livelihood) of writers in the years to come.

“The Business Rusch: Royalty Statements Update” copyright 2011 by Kristine Kathryn Rusch.

98 responses to “The Business Rusch: Royalty Statements Update”

  1. Erin Aslin says:

    Thank you Kris for the detail explanations about royalty numbers. It really helps!

  2. Roy says:

    I haven’t read all the comments here but I did go through those on the first e book post.
    Point 1 Books aren’t the only intangible items, in the sense of being files of digital information, sold on line. So how do the music and audio book suppliers/publishers deal with this?

    Point 2 We have material on Fictionwise and their ‘sales’ figures look pretty suspicious to me and, again, I’m not suggesting dishonesty but I think their software just isn’t up to the job. They make things difficult to analyse by deliberately discounting prices so authors/publishers can’t tell what price an item sold for and hence check the figures. At one stage we obtained monthly figures but when we queried them, and were sucessful in obtaining more money, they stopped giving monthly figures claiming their system was faulty.

    • Kris says:

      Roy, the answer to some of your questions is in the comments. So I’ll leave the auditing information to the experts who have already responded.

      As for Fictionwise, I no longer have material with them. They were a great company when they started up in the dot-com boom. Then they didn’t seem to alter their systems with the times. I’m happier indie publishing.

  3. erin aslin says:

    My apology for the so-called “unprofessional” question, but can someone advise whether it is possible at all to find out one’s own e-book’s sales except from the paycheck what she receives from her “small” publisher?

    • Kris says:

      Erin, that’s not an unprofessional question. If you’re not self-published, that is if you are published through a publisher large or small, that publisher should get the e-book numbers. Your contract should give you the right to see those numbers. (The publisher should report them to you.) But since this is a small publisher, they might not have that in their contract. So check your contract first. If you have a contractual right to see those numbers (i.e a royalty statement) then insist on getting a copy of that statement. If you don’t have the right to look at those numbers, then you signed a bad contract. See if you can get the numbers anyway (and make a mental note not to sign a contract like that again).

      Sometimes agents and book companies do not forward “unearned” royalty statements. In other words, statements in which no money is owed. Insist on getting all royalty statements earned and unearned. Some scam agents will tell you that your royalty statements are unearned and will pocket the money. But besides that, you will need the statements to track things such as the ones we’re discussing in this blog. You should always read your royalty statements.

      But first, make sure you’re contractually entitled to them. And in the future, make sure you get a clause in your contract that not only allows you to have royalty statements on a timely basis, but also to audit the company’s statements at a date of your choosing to verify the accuracy of those statements. I hope that helped.

  4. Noel Lynne Figart: What we’re talking about here is underreporting of ebook sales through major, traditional, New York-type publishers, not books self-published directly through Amazon’s KDP program, B&N’s Pubit, etc. Though at this point we’re taking it somewhat on faith that their reporting is accurate, it’s the fact that they numbers we’re getting on such sources are so much HIGHER than reported numbers through traditional publishers that first cued people that there was a problem.

    In other words, the issue at hand is a concern of people publishing ebooks indirectly through traditional publishers. Books that are self-published through Amazon, B&N, etc. are not an immediate concern.

    And let’s put it this way: while it’s not IMPOSSIBLE that numbers reported through Amazon, etc., are low, if so, the percentage of inaccuracy must be FAR smaller than what we’re seeing through New York.

  5. Since publishing houses sell books on consignment, it could take months for the pub house to see any cash from the individual book stores, so there would be some lag between sales and royalties. Plus, Borders stopped paying the major publishers back before Christmas. That might have something to do with the discrepancies in paper book sales. The publisher can’t pay an author if they haven’t gotten their money yet.
    Even if this is the problem, the publishing house still has a responsibility to INFORM their authors. I’m not a published writer and have never seen a royalty statement, but from what I’ve read, they make very little sense to the common person. I THINK WRITERS HAVE THE RIGHT TO UNDERSTAND THEIR PAYCHECKS. They should know what time period they are really being paid for. They should know how many books were shipped, how many were returned, what the profit margin for the publishing house was, and what portion of that they are being paid, and why. If part of their royalties are being held back as insurance against returns, they should be told that as well.
    As for E-Book sales, I think Amazon and BN should make the sales data available directly to the author as well as the publishing house. If houses are making funny with the math, the authors should know about it.

    • Kris says:

      Jimmie, all of those things you mentioned don’t concern the royalty statements in question. The statements we got in April were for the royalty period of January 2010 to June of 2010. Those are the statements under discussion.

      No one has seen statements since Borders collapse unless that writer is with a small or specialty press.

  6. Ryan Viergutz says:

    Kris: Yep, I’m aware of Dean’s series and rec them around just as much as yours. When I start publishing some of my stuff in digital, I will definitely be reading it. 😀

  7. Robin Brande says:

    “And let me simply say on behalf of all the professional writers who read this blog: we have jobs. We are self-employed and most of us have been for decades. We write books for a living. That’s our job.”

  8. Ryan Viergutz says:

    I thought I would come into the thread again and say I’m still a regular reader. I listen and don’t talk too frequently right now, with all this collected knowledge in the comments. Thanks to the Freelance Guide /and/ the Business Rusch, I have more work to do and it keeps me busy. 🙂

    I’m still aiming for traditional, as that’s the dream, but I have indie experiments. And coming to like digital a lot, even if I do have an attachment to print media. This is just the start of an enormous change and tons of new creativity. I say bring it on.

  9. TOMAS says:

    For those of you that think this is a new phenomenon, go get a job. They figured out how to screw you years ago so either take it or self publish.
    Publishers quit caring about literature or good writing years ago. When Snookie can get a contract over a solid writer, it’s time to either cut your wrists or go find a real job. O

    • Kris says:

      Tomas, I hate to break through all the myths you just spouted, but publishing has always published books like Snookie’s. If you look at the bestseller lists from 100 years ago, they include what would be called celebrity books. The phenomenon really took off in the 1920s. Publishing is and always has been a business. Which means they have never been in it for the literature; they’ve been in it for profit. That so much literature has appeared is a testament to readers, who take good quality work and tell their friends about it. More bad books–published– have fallen by the wayside than good books have risen, and in the history of publishing, it has always been so. I constantly read publishing history books (am struggling through one right now by a former president of Book of the Month club) and the history has always had the tension between a house buying a book someone loves and buying a book that will make a fast buck.

      People who believe that publishing is about art are people who need to keep their day jobs. Publishing is a business. Right now, on this blog, we’re dealing with a business problem.

      And let me simply say on behalf of all the professional writers who read this blog: we have jobs. We are self-employed and most of us have been for decades. We write books for a living. That’s our job.

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Kushal Das

FOSS and life. Kushal Das talks here.

Updates from PyCon Pune

PyCon Pune

This will be the first year for PyCon Pune. This will give us a chance to meet our friends, discuss, and work on the language we all love :)

Event date: 16-19th February, 2017.

Location: Pune, India

Format: 2 days of main conference, 2 days of devsprints.

All Keynote speakers have been announced

We finally managed to announce all of our keynote speakers. I am putting up the names below. But you can learn more about them from the speakers page.

CFP is still open for two more days

We have our CFP still open for 2 more days, till 30th November, 2016. Feel free to submit any talk you think you want to present. The event is a single track event, means everyone will get a chance to see all the talks. This also means we have a tougher job in selecting talks :)

Registration is also open

The registration for the conference is also now open. As expected, the 4 days tickets (including devsprints) were sold out super fast. We still have main conference tickets left. Currently the only way to register for devsprints is through supporter ticket, which is also very limited in number. So remember to register fast :)

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A ‘Fresh & Unique Every Week’ outdoor farmers market-style event featuring produce, fish, eggs, honeys, Cottage Industry foods and treats. Also, handcrafted, homemade and home grown items of various sorts. Food and drink vendors, baked goods, salts, scrubs, food prep/serving/storage, plants and so much more. Come grow with us! Quality vendors with wonderful offerings are welcome to apply. PM us! About vendors: The Market wants shoppers and vendors to enjoy the weekly experience! Independently owned and operated business, vendor participation will vary week to week. Shoppers – if you want something we need, please PM us! See you at the Market!


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Orthodontic Braces & Invisalign Specialist in South Miami Heights FL

Premiere Orthodontists in Miami - Miami Lakes FL - See more at: www.lakes-ortho.com

Looking for braces in South Miami Heights, Florida? Dr. Carmen Briceño Crespi of Miami Lakes Orthodonitcs is a leading provider of metal and clear aligners in the South Florida area. Apart from kids, today a lot of grown-ups are going that extra step to get braces, also. In case it is to fix longstanding dental issues such as fixing spaces or to improve appearance, there are various advancements and corrections in orthodontics dentistry today, naming braces the pick for a lot of people.

Braces most importantly fix crooked teeth, and it is what everyone imagine when braces are brought up. By pulling the teeth into more correct place with brackets fastened to the teeth and wires that are readjusted over time, it’s possible to gradually ease teeth into new and more normal positions. This will happen slowly – often years – but, the lasting results might be well worth it. Stereotypically, braces for kids are installed teens and minors while their teeth are still shaping, but today you can get braces offered to anybody wanting to take care of dental concerns by straightening their teeth. Braces can do more than help better an individual’s looks, but it can also correct a long list of dental issues that could come from having jagged teeth or a bad bite. Problems such as extreme rotten teeth, premature enamel wear, crowded teeth, blockings, and jawline misalignment could all be addressed over time with braces.

Why Choose Lakes Orthodontics as Your South Miami Heights Orthodontist?

Braces carry a stereotype of being just for children for a few reasons. Long ago, it was thought that it was only conceivable to amend the alignment of teeth or correct dental issues using braces as a person was not as old and their teeth were still growing. This has from then been comfirmed as a sham, with the point being that even mature teeth will be shifted and bone growth could persist, helping to keep tweaked teeth in their new and accurate position.

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Does Invisalign really work?

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This is a question that I get all the time from patients and it is a very valid question as, after all, you are going to invest time and money to improve your smile so you should be 100% confident that the treatment can and will deliver the results that you desire.  The simple answer for many patients is, yes, Invisalign really does work.  However, it is not a universal cure nor is it the best form of treatment for everyone.

Invisalign results are dependent on three things: the patient, the doctor, and compliance.

  • The patient – Are you a candidate for Invisalign? Certain tooth movements and bite issues can be addressed with Invisalign but not all issues.  Invisalign is not a magical pill that fixes everything.
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  • Compliance – There is no magical appliance that stays in your pocket and straightens your teeth. The results of Invisalign are very dependent on the compliance of the patient.  If you do not wear you’re aligners (Invisalign clear trays) as prescribed by your orthodontist then you will slow down the treatment or not get the results at all.

 If you are considering Invisalign treatment or braces then make sure that the dentist that you are visiting is in-fact an orthodontist and if possible make sure that they are a board certified orthodontist (check the ABO website and use their orthodontist locator tool to verify).

Popular Search Related to  Orthodontic Braces in South Miami Heights Florida

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Dental Braces & Invisalign Specialist in South Miami Heights Florida Looking for braces in South Miami Heights, Florida? Dr. Carmen Briceño Crespi of Lakes Orthodontics is a leading provider of metal and clear aligners in the South Miami Heights area. If you are ready to smile with confidence e-mail us today! Orthodontic Braces is a device that a majority of folks get to help adjust their teeth.  Braces can perform a lot more than [...]


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Invisalign Clear Aligners for Teens & Adults in Olympia Heights Fl

Orthodontist Miami Gardens

Today more and more people in Olympia Heights are choosing Miami Lakes Orthodontics, although orthodontic services in Olympia Heights are like baker’s dozens. This is because individuals who want the best understand what board certified orthodontist Dr. Carmen Briceño Crespi can provide. Individuals, for a long time, automatically thought about a mouth full of wires and rubber bands whenever the word “orthodontics” was brought up. Understandably, these are all actual deterrents from individuals going to the orthodontist’s office. Since the introductions of Invisalign, people are open to the concept of this alternative to the traditional idea of orthodontics.  We can chat about some of the benefits of Invisalign in Olympia Heights, Florida.

Clear braces ot Invisalign is a fairly comfortable, esthetically pleasant looking oral plastic device that serves to realign teeth that has been misaligned. Invisalign is available for teens and adults. American Association for Dental Research reported that Invisalign clear plastic orthodontic aligners cost more in materials than conventional braces, but they require fewer patient visits and the treatment period is shorter. Invisalign aligners are nearly unnoticeable, so people are often unaware that you are going through orthodontic treatment. Oral care is improved because you are required to remove the trays before you eat and you need to brush and floss thoroughly before replacing the device. Some patient even lose weight because they snack less during the process of orthodontic care. One other advantage to Invisalign, is that you don’t get as sore inside your cheeks and lips as can happen with traditional orthodontic treatment.

Invisalign Clear Aligners Specialist for Teens & Adults in Olympia Heights Fl

Do you have any idea why people from all over Miami-Dade and Broward are choosing Dr. Carmen Briceño-Crespi of Lakes Ortho for Invisalign Options in Olympia Heights, Fl? The entire team at Lakes-Ortho is highly experienced and their top goal is to ensure that you receive the best orthodontic treatment available, even if you can’t wear Invisalign.  Our office has been newly remodeled and uses up to date technology, so you can be sure that you are receiving quality care. The most important point that should be a part of your decision making process is that Dr. Carmen Briceño-Crespi is a board certified orthodontist. Which means she took additional training in dentistry to be certified by the American Board of Orthodontics for the title of “Orthodontics”. If you want to know more about Miami Lakes Orthodontics, check out our blog.

Blog Post Related to Invisalign Care in Olympia Heights, Fl.

Do braces hurt? Does Invisalign hurt?

Beautiful Smile at Lakes Ortho

What you should expect when you put on your braces or Invisalign.

A question that I get all the time from patients in my orthodontic office is, “Will my braces or Invisalign hurt?” This is actually on most people’s mind when considering braces or Invisalign.  No matter what type of orthodontic treatment you choose you will most likely have some level of pain, soreness or discomfort with your teeth at the beginning of treatment.  However, the discomfort is not typically a sharp pain but instead more like soreness that you feel for the first couple of days when you first start with braces or Invisalign.  Most patients say that the first three days are the toughest and that after that the soreness goes away.   It is also important to remember that pain is subjective and patients have different treatment details that can greatly vary the feeling that a patient feels during treatment.

Tips to help make your braces or Invisalign treatment be less painful:

1) Eat softer foods the first few days of braces.  Often times, the most painful moments when someone first starts their braces or Invisalign is when they eat for the first two or three days.  A very helpful tip is to eat softer foods that do not require your teeth to put a lot of pressure.  For example, you can have mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, meatloaf, applesauce, etc.

2) Use wax to cover any sharp edges on the braces or Invisalign.

3) Use plenty of lip balm or Vaseline the first two days.  Often times the initial appointments leave the lips dry due to having the mouth stretched to put on the braces.  Using moisturizer on the lips can make the lips feel much better and ease the pain of the braces the first few days.

4) Eat something cold like ice cream, a milkshake or a smoothie.  Often times a cold treat can make you feel relief and make you feel rewarded for your braces.  Obviously, do not eat something that can possibly damage your braces or make a mess like caramel, hard nuts, etc.

5) Take a pain reliever.  A very common remedy to the pain tat you feel when you begin your treatment is to take a pain reliever such as Motrin, Advil, Tylenol, etc.   Make sure to avoid anything that can cause an allergy and consult your physician if you are taking any other medications.

It is also important to remember that the pain will get better and that the beautiful smile that will come at the end of treatment is 100% worth the temporary pain.

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News & Announcements

Pennies for Patients

Help NJHS support Pennies for Patients. Click on the link below, search for Lamar MS in Temple, TX, and the page will show up for donations. You may also send donations in to Ms. Estes.
Read More »

Construction Changes Traffic Patterns

Construction will begin at Lamar on Monday, December 10th. Please check out the graphic below. Notice, the buses will be dropping off in the front of the building, and parent drop off is now closest to Miller Park. Please be aware and watch out for students crossing!
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Painting to Inspire- TBD

Do you enjoy painting? Come to Lamar to paint inspirational messages across the school with our military Adopt-a-Unit. Sign up in the front office, or see Ms. Moore for more details. This event has been postponed and a new date has yet to be determined.
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7th Grade Walk in My Shoes Day Feb 22

Dear Parents/Guardians,

You are cordially invited to attend our 7th grade “Walk In My Shoes” Day on Friday, February 22, 2019. This is an opportunity for you to experience a day in the life of your child at LMS.

Parking in the front of the building will be available for parents/guardians. You should report to the library starting at 7:30 A.M. to sign in and to pick up additional information. A current ID card must be presented when checking in. You may also eat lunch with your child on this day; however, you will need to purchase your lunch from the cafeteria, or you may provide your own lunch.

Please understand that “Walk In My Shoes” Day will allow you to observe your child in a classroom setting. Teachers will not be available for individual conferences on this day.

Along with this letter is a “request for confirmation” sheet. Please read the confirmation sheet, fill it out, and return it to your child’s English teacher no later than Tuesday, February 19th. We hope you will join us on February 22nd , and we look forward to seeing you!
Billy Madden
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Flower and Candy Grams for Sale

The Lamar PTO will be selling flower-grams and candy-grams for $1 each during all lunches next week Monday-Wednesday. The gifts will be delivered on Valentine's day. Don't forget to let that special someone know you care!
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Middle School Advanced Academics Parent Night November 13th

Gain information about the middle school advanced academics program, including admissions requirements, enrichment programs, and opportunities for high school credit. Get answers to the most commonly asked questions.  Meeting will be held November 13th at 5:30 at the new administration offices (see flyer for address).  RSVP  here.


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Home > News > View

Withered Bones announce new album

Sunday, October 15, 2017 1:00 PM PT

Official press release:

Arizona's premiere melodic hardcore band, Withered Bones, will release their new studio album on December 8 via Blood & Ink Records. The effort, titled In Search Of Self-Evidence, features 12 aggression-filled tracks that tackle unpopular topics such as issues within the church, social discontentment, and self-discovery. It was recorded and mixed by former Defeater guitarist Jay Maas (Vanna, Transit, Expire).

The album's lead single, "Evansville," has been released alongside the announcement. "Touring has a direct affect on people's mental health, no matter what level of touring you're at," comments bassist/vocalist Peter Caswell. "'Evansville' is a song about how a good off-day and some love from strangers can provide a much needed rest from of nonstop activity."

In Search Of Self-Evidence is available for pre-order now through Blood & Ink's online store.

Related News Stories


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100% Silver Sterling Heart Pinky ring

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This pinky ring is made of 100% sterling silver and can be adjusted with its open ends. Polished and hammered heart surface.

Size: Adjustable. Fits ring size 5 - 10.

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Annual Board Retreat

Annual Board Retreat

This October, the LLFA Board, Boyd Broughton (former Lander Library Manager) and Andrea Orabona (acting as facilitator) met at Game and Fish for the annual Board Retreat.

Topics on the agenda included:

  • Progress against our 2015 Goals
  • Planning for the annual meeting
  • The Book Nooks
  • Membership
  • The Library’s “Wish List”

It was agreed that good progress was made on our 2015 Goals.  Significant progress was made in planning the annual meeting – scheduled for February 6, 2016.  Each Book Nook location was discussed, including the need for more volunteers and the pros and cons of operating two Book Nooks.

Boyd Broughton presented the Library’s wish list, and we agreed to pursue two grants for parts of the list (Children’s and Young Adult’s needs).  The LLFA will also provide $3,000 to be used for CD/DVD shelving or to cover the children and young adult programs should one or both grants not be approved.


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The Melville House and Museum is located at 114th Street and 1st Avenue. Built in 1786 by Stephan Gorham, the first postmaster of Rensselaer County.

Detail showing Melville House at 528 1st Avenue (numbered 2 114th Street now) cropped from “Map 39.” Troy, Rensselaer County, New York, 1903. Vol. 1. New York: Sanborn Insurance Maps, 1903. [Scan by Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute]

A New York State historic marker commemorates the nine years that Herman Melville lived there and wrote his first two novels, Typee and Omoo. Melville was a graduate of The Lansingburgh Academy and taught in the area. The furnishings at the headquarters reflect the various architectural changes the building has undergone during its two centuries of existence. The society’s collections includes maps, photographs, diaries, business records, town and village records, and the Burleigh panoramic views.

The unique “Attic Museum” houses tools, materials, and products of the communities extensive 19th century brush and oil cloth industries.

In 1973 the society established “Melville Park” directly across First Avenue from the Melville House. The park is located on the site of the early 19th century shipyard of Richard Hanford.

1 Remove walk arbor to gate 2 Renovate cherry and mulbury trees 3 Remove hemlock and Blk. Walnut add 11 cedars along east line 4 Circular bed at arbor, roses, peonies hostas, etc. 5 Add larch 6 2 "Robina Resido Acacia" St trees 7 relocate sian [?] double face 8 Ground cover Lily of the Valley and Vaigated Bishops Weed 9 Herb Garden - Raised beds 10 trumpet vine + "clematis paniculata" 11 lilacs double white

A proposed garden layout for the Melville House that was not pursued.

Appointments can be made well in advance by email to the Corresponding Secretary. See the Contact Us page. Please be specific about when you want to visit,  the number of people and if you have a particular interest.

An account of a visit to the Melville House.

While there is no historic district designated in Lansingburgh, the Herman Melville House is recognized by the City of Troy as a Local Historic Landmark and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places (Reference Number 92001081).

See also Melville House – East Porch (a feature that was removed)


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Volume 23, Number 19, May 3, 1996

Dr. Randall C. Cutlip

by Marcia Merry Baker

The Research Leader of the Respiratory and Neurologie Disease Research Unit of the National Animal Disease Center, in Ames, Iowa, discusses progress toward finding a test for bovine spongiform encephalopathy, or “Mad Cow” disease.

Book Reviews

Harvard Fraud Makes Mockery of the Nazi Holocaust

by Mark Burdman

Hitler’s Willing Executioners: Ordinary Germans and the Holocaust, by Daniel Jonah Goldhagen.

Strategic Studies

Schiller Institute Exposes British Lies against Sudan

by Susan Welsh

A conference on the theme, “Stop Dirty British Imperialist Operation Against Sudan,” was held in Washington, D.C. on April 20.

U.S. Interests Are the Natural Ally of the Cause of Sudan

by Lyndon H. LaRouche, Jr.

Speech to the conference by Lyndon H. LaRouche, Jr.

‘Stop Wearing the Union Jack for Underwear’

by Lyndon H. LaRouche, Jr.

An exchange between LaRouche and a member of the Sudanese opposition.

Fact vs. Fiction about Slavery in Sudan

by Angelo B. Beda

The speech to the conference by Sudanese parliamentarian Angelo Beda.

Report from Bonn

by Rainer Apel

Christian Economics Rejects Austerity.

Panama Report

by Carlos Wesley

Noriega: It’s Bush Who’s the Pusher.

Dateline Mexico

by Jacobo Frontini

Trekking to the EZLN’s Lair.

The Truth about the Cold War.

International Monetary Fund Has Invaded Venezuela

by Javier Almario

For two years it was the continent’s sole holdout against the savage British free-trade system. Now, after “kissing a very cold face,” the Caldera government risks reprisals from the terrorist forces inside the country.

Federal Reserve Policy Comes Under Scrutiny

by William Jones

The flap erupted around Alan Greenspan’s reappointment.

Currency Rates

Labor in Focus

by Marianna Wertz

Unions versus Conservative Revolution.

Business Briefs

Ten Years after Chernobyl: What Have We Learned?

by Marjorie Mazel Hecht

In all the diplomatic and technical meetings, summits, and negotiations over the past ten years, no one has mentioned the simple fact that the capability now exists, using state-of-the-art designs, to complete a standard, 1,000 megawatt light water reactor in less than six years.

What Happened at Chernobyl

The Soviet-Designed RBMK

Nuclear Energy in the Former Soviet Bloc

The Next Generation of Advanced Nuclear Reactors

by Mark Wilsey

Compared to France and Japan, the United States has neglected nuclear energy, but ironically, American industry may soon be able to stage a dramatic comeback.

Report from Sarajevo: How Bosnia Survived the War

by Umberto Pascali

A delegation representing the Committee to Save the Children in Bosnia-Hercegovina visited Croatia and Bosnia on April 12-19.

The Covert War against Arafat and Peace

by Anton Chaitkin

Drug Legalizers Demand Peña Gómez be President

by Carlos Wesley

The Dominican Republic elections will be held on May 16.

Lord Rees-Mogg Kicks the Dragon

by Kathy Wolfe

The British are trying to destabilize China and hand President Clinton a foreign policy disaster.

Clinton Seeks Peace Conference on Korea

by Kathy Wolfe

International Intelligence

Conservative Revolution Writes Its Own Obituary

by Jeffrey Steinberg

Barely over a year since the insurgents’ takeover of Congress, Speaker Newt Gingrich is desperately trying to reverse the GOP’s legislative paralysis, and Senator Dole seems likely to lose his Presidential bid, badly.

LaRouche Wins 8.2% in Pennsylvania

Whitewater: Case Grows for Removal of Starr

by Edward Spannaus

Habeas Corpus Shredded in Antiterrorism Bill

by Edward Spannaus

Queen Creates U.S. Priory of Knights

by Scott Thompson

Elephants and Donkeys

by Mel Klenetsky and Kathleen Klenetsky

Perot-Fulani: An Anti-Clinton Alliance.

Congressional Closeup

by Carl Osgood

National News


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Federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials arrested more than 150 illegal aliens in the Central Valley and Northern California — and have blasted Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf for alerting the public beforehand.

The operation was called “Keep Safe,” SFGate.com reported, and bore –perhaps coincidentally — the same initials as Kate Steinle, the 32-year-old woman who was killed by an illegal alien on a pier in San Francisco in July 2015.

Mayor Schaaf had warned Saturday that there might be ICE raids in the area. “Earlier today, I learned from multiple credible sources that the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is preparing to conduct an operation in the Bay Area, including Oakland, starting as soon as within the next 24 hours,” Schaaf told the local news media.

On Monday, immigrant advocacy groups and even fellow Democrats criticized Schaaf for causing panic. The initial surprise of her warning “turned to confusion and anger as large-scale immigration sweeps did not materialize,” the Los Angeles Times reported. Instead, ICE agents focused on specific targets, half of whom had criminal convictions.

Then, on Tuesday, federal officials told SFGate.com that “Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf’s decision to alert the public to the secret operation may have allowed some targets to elude capture” during the sweep.

In statement Tuesday reported by SFGate.com, Acting Director of ICE Thomas Homan said: ” “Sanctuary jurisdictions like San Francisco and Oakland shield dangerous criminal aliens from federal law enforcement at the expense of public safety. … Because these jurisdictions prevent ICE from arresting criminal aliens in the secure confines of a jail, they also force ICE officers to make more arrests out in the community, which poses increased risks for law enforcement and the public.”

Joel B. Pollak is Senior Editor-at-Large at Breitbart News. He was named to Forward’s 50 “most influential” Jews in 2017. He is the co-author of How Trump Won: The Inside Story of a Revolution, is available from Regnery. Follow him on Twitter at @joelpollak.


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Southern California -- this just in

« Previous Post | L.A. NOW Home | Next Post »

Gay marriage proponents to delay anti-Prop. 8 ballot measure till 2012 [Updated]

August 12, 2009 | 11:35 am

Gaymarriageprotest Leaders of Equality California, one of the state’s largest gay rights groups, announced today it will wait until 2012 to push for an amendment to the California Constitution to permit same-sex marriage.

Many gay rights groups have favored returning the issue to voters as soon as 2010. Leaders at Equality California, which spearheaded the campaign against Proposition 8, the November ballot measure that banned same-sex marriage, have said they want to make sure they can win.

They have said they worry about raising the millions of dollars necessary in the current tough economic climate and also that it will take longer than two years to convince enough voters.

Officials at Equality California said they made the decision to wait until 2012 based on discussions with donors and community organizers. The extra time, backers said, will allow for more fundraising and outreach.

Proposition 8 passed by 52% in November after the most expensive campaign in California history over a social issue.

[Updated at 12:05 p.m.: There has been much debate among same-sex marriage backers about when to place a measure on the ballot. There is another group that is considering placing such a measure on the 2010 ballot.

The Prop. 8 victory caused much soul searching among backers of same-sex unions. Some critics said the No-on-8 campaign did not do a good enough job reaching out to Latino and black voters.

The California Supreme Court earlier this year validated the legality of Prop. 8. But challenges to the ballot measure continue in the federal courts.

One high-profile federal lawsuit against Prop. 8 has exposed new strains and divisions within the same-sex marriage movement, as civil rights lawyers who initially condemned the suit now want on board -- and are being rebuffed.

The lawsuit against the anti-same-sex-marriage initiative, launched by Los Angeles political consultant Chad H. Griffin and backed by entertainment industry activists, drew scorn and anger from gay rights lawyers when it was filed in May.

The major gay rights groups called the challenge to California's same-sex marriage ban risky and rash, and warned that an adverse ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court could set the movement back decades.

Now that a trial is nearing, the lawyers who denounced the suit want to join as full participants, asking for seats at the table and the ability to shape legal strategy. But the consultant who defied their advice has vowed to "vigorously oppose" their intervention.]

-- Jessica Garrison

Use The Times' interactive timeline to see how the laws in U.S. states regarding rights for same-sex couples have changed since 2000.

Photo: Supporters of same-sex marriage march in May in West Hollywoood. Credit: Alex Gallardo / Los Angeles Times


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cal package in Ubuntu

ccal: Colorised calendar utility
ccal-dbgsym: debug symbols for ccal

This package has 2 new bugs and 0 open questions.

Package information

Javier Fernández-Sanguino
Medium Urgency
Latest upload:

*actual publishing details may vary in this distribution, these are just the package defaults.

Upstream connections

Util-linux-ng is a suite of essential utilities for any Linux system. It contains many basic utilities used for setting up partitions and basic system infrastructure on a Linux system. It is for expert users only.

Bug supervisor: no
Bug tracker: yes
Branch: yes

There are no registered releases for the Util-Linux-ng ⇒ head.

The Disco Dingo (active development)
4.0-4 release (universe) 2018-12-13
The Cosmic Cuttlefish (current stable release)
4.0-3build1 release (universe) 2018-05-01
The Bionic Beaver (supported)
4.0-3build1 release (universe) 2018-04-03
The Xenial Xerus (supported)
4.0-3 release (universe) 2015-10-22
The Trusty Tahr (supported)
4.0-3 release (universe) 2013-10-18
The Precise Pangolin (supported)
4.0-2 release (universe) 2011-10-13


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Just Keep Following (the heartlines on your hands)

Photo by https://www.flickr.com/photos/zionfiction/
Photo by https://www.flickr.com/photos/zionfiction/

Oh the river, oh the river, it’s running free.
And oh the joy, oh the joy it brings to me.
But I know it’ll have to drown me,
Before I can breathe easy.
And I’ve seen it in the flights of birds,
I’ve seen it in you.
The entrails of the animals,
The blood running through.
But in order to get to the heart,
I think sometimes you’ll have to cut through.
But you can’t…

We will carry…
We will carry you there…

Just keep following!
The heartlines on your hand!
-Florence and the Machine

I’m now down to the last couple of weeks of my yoga teacher training (say it isn’t so!). We’ve just moved into learning through the lens of the heart chakra. Each time we move to a new chakra, I’m surprised to learn the deep ways in which it is applying to me right now.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been seeking more silence to let my heart arise, as I spoke about in my last post. My mind has this little habit of getting in the way. A lot. It chatters all day long, just nonsense. Or whatever I happen to be worrying about at the time, it chews on over and over. It reminds me of how they talk about the locusts in the Little House series, the constant chewing that Laura heard all day every day, eating up all the plants. It gives me a crawly feeling.

There’s a sutra by Patanjali that is translated by Nischala Joy Devi to mean “Yoga is the uniting of consciousness at the heart.” It is elsewhere known as “Yoga is the state of cessation of the whirling of the mind.” I like Nischala Devi’s version. Instead of focusing on what Yoga ceases to do (what I need to cease doing), it focuses on the outcome – uniting of consciousness in the heart.

This focus is helpful for me, too. I can focus on ceasing the constant chewing fluctuations of my mind, OR, I can focus on uniting my consciousness at my heart.

To those not in the Yoga world, that language is high falutin and heavy. I’m not one to want to always use the language of the group I find myself in at the time; I think it’s limiting to other’s understanding. Instead, here’s what I’d like to tell you about uniting consciousness in the heart, based on my own experience.

I have struggled with anxiety for years. It came to the forefront when I stopped drinking, but it was there beforehand. I just had no awareness of it. When I stopped drinking, I got to see my anxiety front and center. I’ve had the chance to observe it the past almost 3 years. And as I do I realize it’s plagued me since I was a small child. I grew up in an atmosphere where I was only allowed to do things if they followed “the family rules” which were inconsistent and hard to determine. As a result I developed a ridiculously sensitive conscience and what I think is the origin of my anxiety.

Doing things in a self-empowered, heart-centered way is extremely foreign to me. Beginning last year in May/June, I started switching to this mode of life. It’s the reason I stopped going to 12 step recovery, stopped my love addiction recovery, started my yoga teacher training. I selected this teacher training mainly due to the empowerment aspect of it. I’m not seeking another person to tell me what to do. I’m seeking an empowered life.

It’s not easy. Because it requires finding the “still point in the turning world” (as e.e. cummings says) and rising out of the dark of that silence to quietly pursue what my heart prompts of me.

I have a different view of the heart, also. There’s millions of life coaches on the internet right now preaching following your desires, finding work you love, that kind of thing. While this has its merit, I think it can get a little skewed. Because in many ways I think you first have to reveal the heart. Which is another reason I took up Yoga. Yoga is all about learning to reveal the heart that lies beneath.

So yes, follow your bliss. But first – clear the mirror so you know what your bliss IS. That’s the message for me. Follow the bliss, from the True Self and the true heart center. Easy? Not necessarily

(maybe it is for you, each person is different in their journey). But worth it… most likely. I don’t know yet, honestly. I’m still learning. I just know that I’m really tired of living by the dictates of other people and I want to empower myself.

Maybe that means walking in the dark for awhile before I find myself, but maybe the unknown, silent, dark is where it’s at. As one of my favorite poems says,

 There is in God (some say)
A deep, but dazzling darkness; As men here   50
Say it is late and dusky, because they
        See not all clear;
    O for that night! where I in him
    Might live invisible and dim.

– Henry Vaughan

Sometimes God/the Divine/my Higher Self is found in the dark. So I’ll just keep following these heartlines on my hands.

Finding Ground

Back in February/March, I went to Sayulita, Mexico, and found myself as I have never done before. I went alone. As such, I was required to make my own self care an absolute priority, down to what I ate. While there, I encountered regular thoughts of self-hatred, regular condemnation for the lack of yoga I was doing (I’d planned on going daily while there), and general depressiveness. In spite of all this, I allowed and accepted these feelings with an equanimity that surprised even me. My big “S” Self stepped into the picture and held all the shifting in her great arms.

On the way home, I finally admitted to myself that I didn’t want to go to school for counseling, not now. This was groundbreaking, since I’d been wanting to go to school for counseling since I was 15 (so, for 10 years). What I did not realize is that this was the first of many shifts in my life this year.

I held onto my equanimity for about a month, and then my world began to tilt and I could feel my Self falling back under the influence of my scared ego. I became smaller again.

I started a supervisor position at work, which was much more difficult than I expected considering I have never been a supervisor. It was also difficult in the sense that I was officially dropping my dream of going to school.

I met a boy. We talked for a little while, then I shut him out, from fear. But this experience made me realize that I lacked spontaneity in my life generally, and that my program for love addiction was hindering me, rather than helping me. Instead of forming my own ideals about love and relationships, I was looking to others to do so for me. I decided to step away from my love addiction program, which I had participated in for almost 2 years, and in which I had completed all 12 steps required and a dating plan.

The same week I decided to do this, I moved to a new apartment. This was a mere 2 weeks after another incident at my old apartment, where someone broke into the basement below my apartment. This was the SECOND such incident I’d had in a year and a half of living there. I didn’t find out until last month (via my dad) that the 2nd guy also had a gun and fired at police. I had thankfully left the apartment by that time.

But it didn’t end there. In stepping away from my love addiction program, I also shifted my alcohol recovery. I’m not regularly attending 12 step recovery right now, though I continue to stay sober and in touch with my sponsor. I am choosing sobriety right now for this reason: I use alcohol to numb. In general in my life, what I am attempting to do is eliminate all things which I use to avoid the present and my true Self. As such I choose to continue to stay sober from alcohol at this time.

And then on June 29th, I started dating Kevin.

This completely ungrounded me. I had already had so much shifting happening in my life. From the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve struggled with massive fear. I’m not talking about the usual relationship worries and nervousness. I’m talking about flat out panic.

I am ashamed to say that it has taken me 5 months to regain myself. And there are prices to pay for not being yourself in a relationship. I am not at all proud of my behavior. I caused a lot of pain and have had to beg forgiveness. Yet on the other hand, I look at myself with compassion.

So much of this year has been about finding who I am, and not living others-defined. My entire life, I have lived defined by what others want of me. Growing up, if we didn’t fall in line with my dad’s dream of God giving us 1.7 billion dollars, we were verbally harangued. I went straight from that into a marriage that I felt like “GOD” was telling me to be in, with a dysfunctional man who was sadly a pornography addict. I finally stepped out of this, and straight into recovery programs that were very structured and I continued living by others’ ideas. I am not saying that my recovery programs were unhelpful. What I am saying is that my perception of how to “work” them caused me to again base my life on what others told me to do, when what I needed was empowerment. Truly, the biggest reason I have not returned to meetings is that I am still unable to change my perception on it, and know that I won’t until I have gained enough ground in myself.

Beginning with my decision to not go to school this year, it has been the year of unraveling living the life I was “supposed” to live, or told to live, or felt like I HAD to live… for the life that I want to live. Not in a selfish “I want to do this and fuck everyone else” sort of way, rather, in a healthy, skillful, heart-centered way. To do this I’ve had to find who it is that I am, without all the structures I’ve made myself up of.

So I suppose it was somewhat natural to go into a relationship and struggle with this very thing. Not allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I felt, out of fear that I would a) screw the whole thing up and be in another unhealthy relationship and b) cause great harm to someone else.

Ironically and very unfortunately, I caused great harm to my boyfriend, while trying to avoid it. Lesson learned. Do not abandon self, no matter what. No matter how much your feelings are scaring you, do not abandon self. Do not abandon feelings.

Thankfully, I found my yoga program just at the right time. The entire program is about becoming a teacher from the foundation of becoming your true Self. And the whole program EMPOWERS you to become your true Self instead of giving rules to follow. Through my yoga program, I’ve come back to myself.

I’ve written here about Patanjali’s sutra I.23 – Ishvara Pranidhana Dva. The sutra of surrender. The theme of the past 5 months has entirely been surrender, since the very start of my relationship. My relationship really began with the movie The Fountain, a story that I see as one of surrender, ultimately.

On Friday, I looked up at the sky and asked the Universe, please let me know I am on the right path. Make it clear, startlingly clear for me, what I need to do. Within fast succession, BOTH things occurred (I should not have been surprised). Later that day at work, I found a poem in an old notebook, one I wrote before my boyfriend and I really even started talking much, about the terror of living in an overwrought mind, and the way past it (death/surrender), that used symbolism of an exploding star (a theme in The Fountain). I took this instantly as knowing “I am in the right place.”

On Saturday, I was standing in my work breakroom and I read yet another graphic on Facebook about surrender and grace. With tears in my eyes I fell to my knees and said, “Okay. Fine. I hear you. I’m done. I will feel whatever I feel.” That night, I went to our local poetry open mic. I saw a woman walk in, and as soon as I saw her, I knew that whatever she spoke would be for me. Her poem? It was on surrender and releasing, healing wounds to heal karmic patterns. I was floored.

And Sunday, my yoga training met again. We have been doing root chakra work, lots of it, and yesterday learned a set of asana poses specifically targeted for the root chakra. We spent 2.5 hours on these poses, which was grueling and exhausting. I felt somewhat resentful that we spent so much time in them, that the teacher was pushing us so much and so quickly. But I had a series of questions that came to me as we worked together Sunday. As these questions came up, I started to feel a stronger sense of Self.

“What if I am desperately craving connection with myself?”
“How do I bring growth to that way of being?”
“In what ways can I support my heart opening?” – this, as I realized that I have to find security and strength in root chakra before I can open up through my heart.

After our asana practice (mostly thigh/leg work) and these musings, I went and hiked the Incline with my boyfriend. I was finally just there, breathing, feeling whatever I felt with him, surrendered to what is. It was a great hike, and despite all the leg work I’d already done, I had a huge endorphin high. We got to the top just as dusk fell, so we headed back down Barr Trail as it got dark. For about half the trail, I was behind him, and we alternated running and hiking steadily. And as we hiked, something hit me.

“No matter what happens with us, I will be okay.” And I knew it all the way through myself, to the very marrow of my bones. I felt like I was snapped back into my body and was instantly flooded with an intense joy, at the reunion with myself. Something about feeling the ground underneath my feet, and the burning in my thighs and legs from the hike and the root chakra asana practice (which I am convinced brought on a lot of this transformation), brought me back to myself.

I am supported. Not because someone else holds me up, but because I am enough and I hold myself. This is surrender, to myself, to the knowledge that I have what it takes to hold the world within me.

This return to myself feels like touching the solid ground after being at sea for months. There is a sense of great relief, and bliss at reunion with my true Self. I remember the woman I was from Sayulita, the one who I truly am. The one who allows and lets life unfold and is not afraid to feel it all, because I am expansive, strong, resilient.

I can’t stop the glimmer of fear that I will lose myself again. But, I will breathe, and allow the fear, and keep surrendering. I know this truth: as long as I continue to surrender, I will always find Her.

It’s been a long journey over the sea of my ego-driven self, but I am finding ground. I am finally home.

Final Note: I don’t think it is a coincidence that I am writing this on December 8th, and scheduling it to post on the 7th anniversary of the death of my sisters. This year has been one of transformation – and every 7 years, a person’s body sheds all their skin cells and gains a completely new set of them. I am in a new skin now, 7 years later, truly transformed on a physical and spiritual level. And I would not be who I am without my sisters. Deep bow to you, my dear hearts, and two of my greatest teachers.

It’s been awhile since I wrote. Some of this is due to the places my mind has wandered lately, down dark and lonely roads. But some of this is also due to being out of practice.

My honesty has felt terrifying even to me, so I stopped practicing writing it out publicly and went underground. Found other ways to let it out – primarily the aforementioned dark places that my mind has wandered. Anxiety creeps out of the cracks of the mind-box I’ve tried to shove it in, and since I won’t create, my body trembles with the force of holding it in.

Previously, I would have bled out on paper. But I haven’t been able to. And then I got too tired. Writing felt exhausting. I didn’t lift a pen for a couple weeks. Then I started thinking about the practice of writing.

Writing doesn’t just happen when inspiration strikes.

but, you see, this is when I have usually written. And when inspiration doesn’t strike, I don’t speak, so I let it lie. Leave the ground barren and fallow, and all my blog readers drift away, tiring of waiting for me.

These are not excuses. These are lessons learned. Writing is not magic. Writing can be born of tired, bored moments, too. Not just the electric ones I wait for. In fact, maybe better writing comes from the mundane. The tedious, tenacious task of doing the same thing every day, slowly growing your skill from persistent practice.

My yoga teacher training lately has been talking about this very subject. Devoted practice. I’m finding out that I’m… well, not bad at it per se, but very undisciplined. I like to follow the shine and glimmer of newness. In yoga teacher training, I’m finding that it’s wearing off. Now I get to dig in even deeper (and with great love) to do the work. To stay consistent, even and especially when, I do not want to.

I’m finding that a big key to all of this is Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra 1.14: “Abhyasa, the practice, is the effort to remain firmly established in one’s own true Self; it is cultivated over a long time, through earnest and reverent energy, and with great love.”

So inspiration is still slow to strike. and I must admit that is again why I am here tonight, although now it’s 10:13pm and the inspiration that made me a lightning rod earlier is now wearing off. It’s taking a bit more effort to hammer out these words.

But it was my sister’s practice that inspired me.

See, she’s been taking a drawing class this semester. From the beginning of the semester until now, she’s worked hard and stuck with it, and her improvement is marked. Today, I felt a huge rush of gratitude when she told me how she was now using her talent to also process some personal things.

Besides the gratitude though, it reminded me of my own work. My sister… my lovely sister Grace who turned 18 on the 30th (holy crap! I remember when she was born!) pointed me back to my own work. And she reminded me that I can use even my darkest, most painful, most shameful feelings in a brave act of creation.

I’ve been scared to be vulnerable because

I’ve got some ugly shit going on in there and I don’t even want to see it. Me. The one who holds it in me. Yikes. That crap is too scary. My teacher talks about how yoga opens up the door to the basement where we’ve been stuffing crap forever. Well, the basement door got opened up for me and, really I’d rather just keep slamming the door and pretending it doesn’t exist.

Oh. And the other thing is, all that stuff in the basement reminds me that I have choices. Lots of them. All of them in fact, and all mine. For the first time in my life that I can remember, I am basing my entire life off of my own choices.

That thought in itself makes me want to hide forever. As awesome as that sounds, choice is dizzying. Decisions can make or break my whole life (I overdramatize sometimes). I’ve never picked up the pen and become an autobiography, instead of just a simple biography. I’m unused to the feel of my own fingers penning words I choose to ink down. Something about this, something about the idea of authoring my own story, scares the shit out of me. Something about the idea of choice is terrifying.

(I’m trying to be gentle with myself right now, because… sweetheart, so much new. and it’s okay, and I know this is different and hard, and like you’ve lived underground and you’re seeing the light for the first time. It’s going to be okay, I promise)

So, you can see why I’d like to stop practicing, frankly. Yawn yawn, nothing shiny and fun here, nope, just a basement full of crap I’d rather not deal with. I’d rather stay in boredom and allow that to lead me to something shinier, more electrifying. I’d rather chase the high. (As my teacher would say – isn’t that interesting? When the practice is finding your true Self, you’re… bored?)  Fear is… chilling, ghastly, panic-inducing. Give me something fun so I can keep pretending it’s not there.

This is where the going gets tough. I was warned this would happen. I’ve never before noticed how this happens for me, though. It’s not by just running away… boredom is the name of the game. Procrastination is another name it goes by. So, it’s time to practice with it. Keep showing up even though I really don’t want to. Even though it doesn’t seem important (BO-RING). Even if it seems to be too much effort. It’s time for me to make my bones.

Patanjali’s first yoga sutra: “Now, this is yoga.

Yep, now, in the fear, in the boredom avoiding the fear, in all the things I feel that I am afraid to become… now. this. is. yoga.

The night I wrote this, I practiced by expressing some things I’ve been afraid to. In an effort to continue that practice, I’m sharing it with you:

WP_20141129_026 WP_20141129_022

That great love part in Patanjali’s I.14 sutra is very central, for me. I can muster up plenty of earnest and reverent energy. But I have found in the past that this results in performance. It’s only when I’m approaching my practice out of great love for myself, and for those around me, that I am able to continually remain firmly established in my true Self. Without that love, I am much too apt to stop showing up, because fear takes over.

So here I am… committing again to practice. With earnest and reverent energy. And great, great love.


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Christian Cameron
Claimed Lawyer ProfileLII GoldBlawgsearchSocial Media
North Miami, FL Lawyer
(305) 981-8889 12550 Biscayne Blvd.
Suite 805
North Miami, FL 33181
Estate Planning, Probate and Tax
University of Miami
Monica S. Cameron
Claimed Lawyer ProfileSocial Media
Wichita, KS Attorney with 10 years experience
(316) 265-0650 1020 N. Main, Ste. A
Wichita, KS 67203
Free ConsultationDivorce and Family
Washburn University School of Law
Monica S. Cameron has been nationally recognized for her representation of clients in family law cases. In 2015, she earned the TOP 10 UNDER 40 Attorney Award for the State of Kansas from the National Academy of Family Law Attorneys. In 2016, she was recognized as one of the 10 BEST Attorneys for Client Satisfaction by the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys.
Laura Cameron
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Warwick, RI Lawyer with 22 years experience
(401) 490-6907 88F Jefferson Blvd
Warwick, RI 02888
Free ConsultationMedical Malpractice, Personal Injury, Social Security Disability and Workers' Comp
Western New England University School of Law
Laura Cameron, Managing Attorney for the Law Firm of d'Oliveira & Associates, is passionate about helping the injured and quality customer service. Attorney Cameron joined the Law team in 1997, and has dedicated her work solely to Personal Injury & Social Security Disability law. Besides Warwick, Laura also manages the offices in Providence, Cranston and Johnston, Coventry and South Kingstown. d'Oliveira & Associates' philosophy about practicing Personal Injury Law is based mainly on the team approach, which includes a case management system that gives each & every client an Attorney & Case Manager (Paralegal), to make sure that every...
Whitney Cameron
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Joliet, IL Attorney with 1 year experience
(815) 726-8500 23 W. Jefferson St.
Joliet, IL 60432
Free ConsultationDivorce and Family
The John Marshall Law School
Whitney Cameron was the first of her family to go to college and she got her Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science and Economics at Augustana College. She received her Juris Doctorate from The John Marshall Law School in 2017, with honors. Whitney was an editor for The John Marshall Law Review and a member of the The John Marshall Moot Court Honors Program. While studying for her legal degree Whitney devoted over eight credit hours to pro bono and volunteer work. She spent an entire summer in 2016 at the Will County Court House in the Externship Program where...
Jacqueline D. Cameron Chappell
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Worcester, MA Lawyer with 12 years experience
(508) 966-0010 51 Union Street
Suite 118
Worcester, MA 01608
Free ConsultationArbitration & Mediation, Divorce, Domestic Violence and Family
Attorney Chappell holds a Bachelor’s of Arts Summa Cum Laude in Political Science and Government from Framingham State University and a Juris Doctorate from UMass School of Law at Dartmouth where she was a Dean’s Honors Fellow mentor, and a research & writing assistant and tutor.  In addition to her legal credentials she has a corporate background which includes positions held within several industries including in architectural engineering, military and government technology contracts, financial investment services and national construction management.

Former partner with civil litigation firm Blais & Parent, J. Cameron Chappell is admitted in several courts including: The United...
Sheree Cameron
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Raleigh, NC Attorney with 15 years experience
(919) 627-7748 8019 Atamasco Circle
Raleigh, NC 27616
University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill
Cameron Bankruptcy Law is a Husband/Wife Team so we can offer a low-cost bankruptcy.
Sheree is the bankruptcy lawyer and Kerry, her husband, is her paralegal. We are family and will treat you like family.

Our law office is in our home so we can be close to our family, so we can offer a low-cost bankruptcy.
This means we don’t have to raise our fees for the massive overhead a separate attorney’s office brings. It also means we are much more accessible — often even in the evening and on weekends. We have been doing this for over 15 years!

We have been...
Stephen Park Cameron
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Enid, OK Lawyer with 13 years experience
(580) 233-1456 300 W. Cherokee, Ste 102
Enid, OK 73701
Free ConsultationCriminal, DUI & DWI, Nursing Home and Personal Injury
University of Oklahoma
My firm is conveniently located in Enid, Oklahoma with additional offices in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. My philosophy is simple: More preparation leads to better results. I represent clients throughout the State of Oklahoma charged with DUI, narcotics possession, drug trafficking, white collar crimes and other charges filed by the State. I also represent clients in automobile injury accidents, truck and tractor injuries, death claims, nursing home neglect and other personal injury claims. I recognize that clients want results and that comes from hard work and preparation. The responsibility of representing my clients is something I take very seriously. You...
Bruce Cameron
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Rochester, MN Attorney with 10 years experience
(507) 206-4976 3240 East River Road NE
Rochester, MN 55906
Free ConsultationEstate Planning and Family
Hamline University School of Law
Eric Cameron
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Columbus, OH Attorney with 16 years experience
(614) 221-3318 226 North Fifth Street
5th Floor
Columbus, OH 43215
Medical Malpractice, Social Security Disability and Workers' Comp
Capital University
Eric is a partner with ACML working primarily out of Columbus. With over 10 years of experience, Eric balances his practice between workers’ compensation, litigation and social security disability claims.
Andrew Cameron
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Orlando, FL Attorney with 31 years experience
(407) 426-7311 232 Hillcrest St
Orlando, FL 32801
Criminal, DUI & DWI, Divorce and Domestic Violence
Indiana University Maurer School of Law
Boise, ID Lawyer with 21 years experience
(208) 343-3434 251 East Front Street
Boise, ID 83702
Administrative, Business, Communications and Employment
Washington and Lee University School of Law
Los Angeles, CA Lawyer with 24 years experience
(310) 284-4544 2049 Century Park E #3200
Los Angeles, CA 90067
John Harvey Cameron
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Jasper, TN Lawyer
(423) 942-9975 100 Lawyers Bldg.
Jasper, TN 37347
Asbestos, Business, Family and Landlord Tenant
University of Tennessee - Knoxville
Graduate United States Naval Academy 1958 and University of Tennessee Law School 1963. Admitted to all state courts of record and Eastern and Middle District Federal Courts in Tennessee, and 6th Circuit Court of Appeals and United States Supreme Court.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Lawyer
(412) 201-7600 625 Liberty Avenue
Pittsburgh, PENNSYLVANIA 15222
University of Pittsburgh School of Law
Dallas, Texas Lawyer
(214) 698-8000 5000 Renaissance Tower
Dallas, TEXAS 75270
Appeals, Construction, Employment and Environmental
Portland, OR Attorney with 44 years experience
(503) 778-5206 1300 SW 5th Ave
Portland, OR 97201
Agricultural, Antitrust, Appeals and Communications
George Washington University School of Law
Washington, DC Attorney with 40 years experience
(202) 274-2971 401 9th Street Northwest
Washington, DC 20004
Vanderbilt University
Washington, DC Attorney with 23 years experience
(202) 637-2225 555 Eleventh Street NW Suite 1000
Washington, DC 20004
Communications and Entertainment & Sports
Michelle Cameron-Hunsaker
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San Diego, CA Lawyer with 6 years experience
(619) 786-4016 4003 Wabash Ave
San Diego, CA 92104
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Chicago, IL Lawyer with 12 years experience
(302) 602-5128 161 North Clark Street
Chicago, IL 60601
Business and International
Pittsburgh, PA Attorney
(412) 288-4104 435 Sixth Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15219
Business, Personal Injury and Products Liability
University of Pittsburgh School of LawStaff Writer and Notes Editor of the Law ReviewUniversity Scholar
Bryan Edward Cameron
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Sayville, NY Lawyer with 25 years experience
(631) 319-3487 52 Main St
Sayville, NY 11782
Criminal, DUI & DWI, Traffic Tickets and White Collar Crime
Hugh Cameron
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Laurel, MD Lawyer with 22 years experience
(443) 778-5646 11100 Johns Hopkins Rd
Laurel, MD 20723
Administrative and Business
University of Maryland Francis King Carey School of Law
Los Angeles, CA Attorney with 31 years experience
(323) 669-9090 2016 Riverside Dr
Los Angeles, CA 90039
Business, Employment, Entertainment & Sports and Products Liability
London School of Economics and Political Science and University of Southern California
Atlanta, GA Attorney with 16 years experience
(404) 256-0700 5605 Glenridge Dr NE
Atlanta, GA 30342
Bankruptcy and Products Liability
John Marshall (Chicago)
Atlanta, GA Attorney with 24 years experience
(404) 894-4812 400 10th St NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
Communications and IP
George Washington Univ
Birmingham, AL Attorney
(205) 601-0294 2101 Highland Ave S
Birmingham, AL 35205
IP, Patents, Personal Injury and Products Liability
Birmingham, AL Attorney
(205) 458-9489 569 Brookwood Village
Birmingham, AL 35209
Health Care
Reno, NV Lawyer with 32 years experience
(775) 329-5329 204 Marsh Ave
Reno, NV 89509
Civil Rights, Criminal, DUI & DWI and Social Security Disability
Nevada School of Law
New York, NY Attorney
(212) 455-3613 425 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Fordham University School of Law
Austin, TX Lawyer with 39 years experience
(512) 499-3600 600 Congress Ave
Austin, TX 78701
Business, Estate Planning and Real Estate
Sherman, TX Attorney with 14 years experience
(903) 893-9990 112 N Travis St
Sherman, TX 75090
Criminal, Divorce and Family
Houston, TX Lawyer with 26 years experience
(713) 227-0440 1535 W Loop S
Houston, TX 77027
South Texas College Of Law
Boston, MA Attorney
(617) 345-1294 100 Summer St
Boston, MA 02110
Real Estate
Walnut Creek, CA Lawyer with 38 years experience
(925) 935-9400 1331 N California Blvd Ste 500
Walnut Creek, CA 94596
Business, Environmental and Real Estate
UC Hastings COL
Sacramento, CA Attorney with 16 years experience
(916) 769-8842 1017 L St Pmb 576
Sacramento, CA 95814
McGeorge School of Law Univ of the Pacific
Burbank, CA Lawyer with 28 years experience
(310) 271-9660 2140 N Hollywood Way # 10096
Burbank, CA 91505
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Sacramento, CA Lawyer with 15 years experience
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Sacramento, CA 95814
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Harvard Univ Law School

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