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Thursday, December 3, 2015

Product Launch By Godrej Tyson Food

This Wednesday I attended a product launch by Godrej Tyson, India’s premier poultry and vegetarian products manufacturer.

These are pre-marinated chicken foods that serves as instant food when unexpected guests turn up. Just stir fry and they are done.

However, for the housewife who likes to give her personal touch, these can be turned a surprisingly innovative dish. It is not easy to replicate the original taste each time we churn out something new, (personally speaking, I can never reproduce the same taste) but, with its’ marinated standard chicken, there can be some closeness to the original taste.

Mr Arabind Das, (COO, Godrej Tyson Food Ltd) and Chef Micheal Swamy (of MasterChef fame) demonstrated some wonderful dishes during the cook-off.

The recipes were later shared with us.

Recipe: for Pahadi Chicken

Spiced Potatoes with Pahadi Chicken

            2 Sliced potatoes with skin on
            4 pods of Garlic
            ¼ teaspoon turmeric
            ¼ teaspoon red chilli flakes without the seeds
            1 table spoon olive oil
            1 tablespoon butter
            2 sprigs of rosemary
            ¼ teaspoon chaat masala
            1 pkt of Pahadi chicken

            200 grams    Mixed berries
            100 grams    Sugar
            100 ml                       Vinegar
            Red chilli        1 nos

            Micro Greens
            Fried onion crisps
            Fried tulsi leaves

Wash and slice the potatoes fine
In a bowl mix the chilli, turmeric and oil together
Heat the pan and drizzle a tablespoon of oil on it.
Layer the potatoes on the pan and cook it to a golden brown on both sides
Sprinkle chaat masala over it
Heat oil in a pan and on a slow flame cook the chicken for 8 minutes turning it gently
Layer the potatoes and serve the tikkas on top garnish with fresh basil or toasted tulsi leaves

Recipe: for Achari Tikka

Salad with Asian Balsamic and Panco Encrusted Achari tikka

            Mixed lettuce greens
            Arugula lettuce
            1 red onion
            2 tablespoons of Asian Balsamic dressing
            ½ teaspoon sea salt
            ½ teaspoon freshly ground pepper
            ½ teaspoon pink pepper

            1 pkt achaari tikka
            250 grams Panko Crumbs
            1 teaspoon Pink Pepper corns crushed
            1 teaspoon garlic powder
            1 egg
            500 ml Curd

In a large bowl whisk the egg
In another bowl mix the dry ingredients together
Heat oil in a large kadhai
Dip the chicken in the egg mixture then coat it with panko crumbs
Deep fry the chicken pieces for 6 minutes
Remove and serve with Asian salad
Pour the Asian style balsamic vinegar reduction over the salad

Asian style balsamic vinegar reduction

            1 bottle    balsamic vinegar
            1 litre grape juice
            1 teaspoon pink peppercorns
            1 teaspoon green peppercorns
            ½ kg sugar
            1-2 tablespoons angostura bitters
            6 nos       star anise

Bring all the ingredients to a boil
Simmer and reduce to half

Stuffed flower

This was another interesting creation by chef Micheal Swamy. Fried achari chicken was stir fried, stuffed into zucchini flower, dipped in the cornflour and miada batter and deep fried. I was able to taste and this had very good flavor and chicken was extremely tender.

I am definatedly going to try that…will you?

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The thing about those roasts - unless you're a Comedy Central addict, or even more specifically a CC Roast addict - you probably have no clue who Jeff Ross, or Laura Lampinelli, or any of the comics are. I would think this would make watching the incestuous nature of the jokes you mention above even more difficult to enjoy. Fortunately, I waste too much time with television.

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Thank you to everyone who told me which picture I should submit. Votes streamed in from all over the internet!

Okay, not really. But some people voted and the winner was...

Choice 4!

So now I have to ask one for one more teeny tiny favor: will you vote for my picture? Tell your friends, neighbors, random strangers on the street. If my picture is one of 10 with the most likes, it goes before a panel of judges.

You have to like Modern Bird Studios in order to like my photo, but they're awesome folks and totally won't clutter up your FB feed.

Ready? Set? VOTE!

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Book Review: We Said, They Said – 50 Things Parents and Teachers of Students with Autism Want Each Other to Know by Cassie Zupke

As a parent, have you ever had trouble communicating your requests to the staff at your child’s school?

As a teacher, have you ever been challenged by the demands of a parent?

If you are nodding your head ‘yes’ to either of these questions – this paperback is well worth your time.

WeSaidTheySaidArtCoverWe Said, They Said – 50 Things Parents and Teachers of Students with Autism Want Each Other to Know by Cassie Zupke is a very informative book that is written from the perspective of various parents and teachers and the challenges they face in parenting or teaching children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). It is a wonderfully balanced compilation of the feelings, frustrations and difficulties confronted by the adults who care for and work with very unique children.

The author, Cassie Zupke, definitely delivers ’50 things  parents and teachers of students with autism want each other to know’ and does a great job in presenting both sets of experiences. Zupke walks a fine line yet honors the viewpoint of  the individuals involved. They all share the same goal but often follow diverse paths in getting there and have to work with policies and rules that are sometimes difficult to understand.

All 269 pages (paperback) are conversational and set up as very user-friendly. A parent can scan through the table of contents and easily choose the topic that concerns them most at any point in time. The voice of many parents speak of blame, feelings of isolation, exhaustion, grief, acceptance, challenging transitions, depression, trust, and fear on their journey towards a future that is yet to unfold for their child.

The perspective of teachers is also shared and their caring mission to be supportive team players while maintaining boundaries is clear. The fact that teachers have no magic wand and need parents to communicate appropriately and support what they do on the home front is well presented.

This book addresses the underlying current of emotions from both parties quite well. The wish of both caretakers and educators to make the world a better and more inviting place for children learning to make their way in a world that is foreign to them is skillfully portrayed. Teachers invite parents to request knowledge and information about policies and procedures before casting blame and parents invite teachers to never make assumptions and make a concerted effort to ‘see’ what their world is really like.

We Said, They Said by Cassie Zupke is a must read for parents and teachers before they begin their respective voyages through the educational system. It provides a realistic voice for the things parents and teachers want to, and should, unload to one another as they begin their relationship as it helps ‘clear the air’ so to speak.

Reading this book will place parents and teachers in a starting block that is not only in a good position but a positive one. If you are in any way responsible for the development of a human being that resides in the world of autism, I encourage you to put this book on your shopping list today.

Because you read this post, you can get this book at a reduced price. Just go to Future Horizons, and use my code PARENTCOACH in the coupon code box when checking out to receive your special discount.

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Previous Fragment    Next Fragment

The order of the day having been read for the resumption of the debate on the motion of Mr Frydenberg—That this House rejects calls to reduce funding to non-government schools to 2003-04 levels that would put at risk the financial viability of many non-government schools and leave many students disadvantaged—

Debate resumed by Mr Bandt who moved, as an amendment—That all words after “House” be omitted with a view to substituting the following words:

“calls on all Parliamentarians to endorse the principles contained in the final report of the Gonski Review of Funding for Schooling.”

Question—That the amendment be agreed to—put.

The House divided (the Speaker, Ms A. E. Burke, in the Chair)—

AYES, 65

Mr Adams

Mr Dreyfus

Ms Livermore

Ms Rowland

Mr Albanese

Mrs Elliot

Mr Lyons

Ms Roxon

Mr Bandt

Ms Ellis

Mr McClelland

Mr Rudd

Ms Bird

Dr Emerson

Ms Macklin

Ms Saffin

Mr Bowen

Mr M. J. Ferguson

Mr Melham

Mr Shorten

Mr Bradbury

Mr Fitzgibbon

Mr Mitchell

Ms Smyth

Ms Brodtmann

Mr Garrett

Mr Murphy

Mr Swan

Mr A. S. Burke

Mr Georganas

Mr Neumann

Mr Symon

Mr Butler

Mr Gibbons

Mr Oakeshott

Mr C. R. Thomson

Mr Byrne

Mr Gray

Mr O’Connor

Mr K. J. Thomson

Mr Champion

Mr Griffin

Ms O’Neill

Ms Vamvakinou

Mr Cheeseman

Ms Hall*

Ms Owens

Mr Wilkie

Ms Collins

Mr Hayes

Ms Parke

Mr Windsor

Mr Combet

Mr Husic*

Mr Perrett

Mr Zappia

Mr Crean

Mr Jenkins

Ms Plibersek

Mr Danby

Mr S. P. Jones

Mr Ripoll

Mrs D’Ath

Ms King

Ms Rishworth

NOES, 64

Mr Alexander

Mr Entsch

Ms Ley

Mr Wyatt Roy

Mr K. J. Andrews

Mr Fletcher

Mr McCormack

Mr Ruddock

Mrs K. L. Andrews

Mr Frydenberg

Mr Macfarlane

Mr Scott

Mr Baldwin

Ms Gambaro

Ms Marino

Mr Secker*

Mr Billson

Mrs Gash

Mrs Markus

Mr Simpkins

Mrs B. K. Bishop

Mrs Griggs

Mr Matheson

Mr Slipper

Ms J. I. Bishop

Mr Hartsuyker

Mrs Mirabella

Mr A. D. H. Smith

Mr Briggs

Mr A. G. Hawke

Mr Morrison

Dr Southcott

Mr Broadbent

Mr Hockey

Mr Neville

Dr Stone

Mr Buchholz

Mr Hunt

Mr O’Dowd

Mr Tehan

Mr Chester

Mr Irons

Ms O’Dwyer

Mr Truss

Mr Christensen

Dr Jensen

Mrs Prentice

Mr Tudge

Mr Ciobo

Mr E. T. Jones

Mr Pyne

Mr Turnbull

Mr Cobb

Mr Katter

Mr Ramsey

Mr van Manen

Mr Coulton*

Mr C. Kelly

Mr Randall

Mr Vasta

Mr Dutton

Mr Laming

Mr Robb

Mr Wyatt

* Tellers

Mr L. D. T. Ferguson     Mr Haase

Dr Leigh                         Mr Keenan

Mr Marles                      Mr Crook

Mr Sidebottom               Mrs Moylan

Ms Grierson                   Mr Somlyay

Mr S. F. Smith               Mr Robert

Mr Snowdon                  Dr Washer

Mr Clare                         Mr Forrest

Dr M. J. Kelly                Mr Schultz

Ms Gillard                      Mr Abbott

And so it was resolved in the affirmative.

Question—That the motion, as amended, be agreed to—put and passed.


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Thursday, 20 June 2013
Page: 6556

Ms O'DWYER (Higgins) (09:31): Whilst a struggling Melbourne has benefited from thoughtful planning, there remain 172 level crossings within the metropolitan area, in comparison with only eight in Sydney. Many of these crossings are positioned on, or adjacent to, Melbourne's busiest roads and major arterials. The Burke Road intersection and railway crossing is but one significant example in my electorate.

Railway crossings cause substantial delays to motorists, road based freight and public transport, whilst imposing capacity constraints on rail based public transport. Along the Dandenong rail corridor, hands down the single largest issue facing constituents on a daily basis is the need to remove level crossings and the associated congestion. It influences key decisions: where people will shop and send their children to school, and how they will access work. I have heard this directly from my constituents, through my surveys; through my regular mobile office meetings; at train stations, and in Koornang Road, Carnegie; through the community forum I held at Carnegie Community Centre; through telephone calls to my office; and by simply knocking on doors in the local area to say hello. The traders agree. Both the Murrumbeena Village Traders Association and the Carnegie Traders Association know that the railway crossings hurt business and impact the amenity of the local community.

The 2012 RACV Redspot survey ranked three of Higgins's level crossings in Victoria's top 10 worst congestion sites: Murrumbeena Road, Murrumbeena, is No. 1; Koornang Road, Carnegie, is No. 4; and Burke Road, Glen Iris, is No. 5. Since 2011, the Victorian government has been unsuccessful in seeking federal government support via Infrastructure Australia and the Nation Building Program for Commonwealth funding to augment the more than $400 million it has already committed to level crossing removals.

I congratulate my state colleagues for focusing on this issue. In their three years of government, they will have removed five level crossings. In the previous state Labor government, over 11 years they removed only three level crossings.

There is broad agreement as to the nature of the problem and the need for action. How these projects are funded remains less clear. The magnitude, the costs and the potential productivity dividends require federal intervention. I am pleased to present this petition of more than 1,151 signatures which draws to the attention of the House the severe congestion caused by the regular closure of the level crossings along the Dandenong rail line. I ask the parliament to give greater priority to their removal. I table the petition.

The petition read as follows—

To the Honourable The Speaker and Members of the House of Representatives

This petition of the residents of Melbourne draws to the attention of the House the severe congestion caused by regular closure of the level crossings along the Dandenong Rail Line.

In particular we note:

1. The substantial congestion of pedestrian, car and road freight traffic caused by constant level crossing closures during peak train times.

2. The negative impact for local business and community life as a result of level crossing related traffic congestion.

3. The consequent stifling of economic growth and loss of productivity within the Dandenong Rail Line catchment area, which currently accounts for approximately half of Melbourne's GDP or 9% of national GDP.

4. The failure of the Commonwealth Government to provide any funding, as per the Victorian Government's 2011 Infrastructure Australian Bid, to address level crossings within the 2012 Commonwealth Budget.

We therefore ask the House to prioritise the funding for the removal of the level crossings on the Dandenong Rail Lines through road/rail grade separation of level crossings at Koornang Road, Carnegie, Murrumbeena Road, Murrumbeena and Poath Road, Murrumbeena commencing with the 2013 Commonwealth Budget and subsequently via the next Nation Building Program.

from 1,151 citizens

Petition received.


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Alisdair Fraser & Natalie Haas at Caltech Saturday, April 1

Alasdair Fraser, one of the premier Scottish fiddlers today will be performing with Natalie Haas, cellist extraordinaire on Saturday, April 1 at 8:00 PM in Beckman Institute Auditorium (Little Beckman.)

Alasdair Fraser, now living in Northern California, has long been an ambassador for Scottish fiddling and his credits include over 100 television and radio shows in the UK, and nationally-broadcast programs in the US, including  A Prairie Home Companion, and The Thistle & Shamrock.   Alasdair has made guest appearances with groups as diverse as Los Angeles Master Chorale, The Waterboys and The Chieftains, and as featured soloist along with Itzhak Perlman at New York’s Lincoln Center. His film credits include solo performances on the soundtracks of several major films, including The Last of the Mohicans and Titanic.  He has performed in interesting and very fruitful combinations, including with pianist, Paul Machlis, guitarists, Tony McManus & Jody Stecher, and in a group setting as Skydance, which also included flute and bagpipes.  He directs the Valley of the Moon Scottish Fiddling School in California and an annual week-long fiddling course on the Isle of Skye.

     Natalie Haas attended Valley of the Moon when she was 11 years old and quickly become enthralled with Celtic music.  With Alasdair’s encouragement, she continued to pursue the cello and they began performing together a few years later.  Now, after 15 years and 4 recordings, later, they are beginning a West Coast tour in April, which will be followed by a trip to the eastern U.S. and then Scotland and England in May, to promote their brand new CD, Ports of Call.   Natalie attended the Julliard School in New York and has joined the staff of the Berklee College of Music in Boston, where she now lives.  Besides performing with Alasdair, she has begun performing with her husband, guitarist/singer Yann Falquet with outstanding results.  She has toured with Mark O’Connor in his Appalachia Waltz Trio, and she has played with Nataie MacMaster, Irish groups, Altan, Solas among many other performers.   She also has an instructional DVD on Celtic cello on Homespun Music Instruction.

Alasdair and Natalie play wonderfully together, and once you hear them, you won’t want to miss this show.  Listen to Grand Etang / Hull’s Reel,live on BBC Radio Scotland and also The Pitnacree Ferryman.  Tickets for the show are $20 for adults, $5 for children, and they can be obtained by calling the Caltech Ticket Office at (626-395-4652 Monday- Friday between 9AM and 4:00PM.  You can also buy tickets in person at the Ticket Office in Winnett Student Center, near the intersection of San Pasqual Street and Holliston Avenue, with no service charge.  Be aware that the Ticket Office will soon be moving to a building at California Blvd. and Wilson Avenue.  The date is uncertain, and it will probably be after this show, but be sure to give them a call if you are planning to visit and the staff can tell you exactly where they are located.  We will let you know when the change is official.  You can buy tickets online here until the end of Thursday, March 30.   As we mentioned a couple of weeks ago, tickets are selling very well.  We will keep you posted by email about ticket availability, but if you plan to buy tickets at the door, monitor the situation carefully.  We don’t want to have to turn you away!

Pasadena Folk Music Society concert tickets:  As a general note, online tickets are convenient, because you can use your credit card at any time of the day or night, but there is a significant service charge per order of $6.00 plus a variable charge per ticket that ranges from $1.50 to $5.00, so this can add up.  It is generally cheaper to buy tickets by phone during the Ticket Office’s regular hours, because the charge is $6.00 per order (no additional fees) and that can include tickets for multiple shows.  The best deal is to buy tickets in person at the Ticket Office (no fees) or at the door on the night of the show, but be careful with this if a show is close to selling out.  We try to keep you posted on that in these emails.

We have had a couple of recent bookings that are not yet mentioned on our web site.  Coming up next are  Ben Miller and Anita MacDonald (Scottish border pipes & Cape Breton fiddle) who will be making their debut at Caltch on Saturday, May 13, and then Brocelïande will return with their Medieval and Renaissance music of the European courts and countrysides, as well as Celtic music from the British Isles.

Saturday, April 1, the day of our own show, is going to be a busy day.  From 9 AM to noon, the League of Women Voters will present their 6th annual Climate Change Forum, at the United Methodist Church in Pasadena at 500 East Colorado Blvd. with 3 knowledgeable speakers.  Then, at 1:00 PM, Will Geer’s Theatricum Botanicum will host the Re-Pete Celebration:  Pete Seeger, His Songs & Spirit, The Rising of the Women at 1:00 PM, 1419 N. Topanga Canyon Blvd., Topanga, CA 90290.  These are all fine events, and it is theoretically possible to attend all 3, but we really think that you should be sure to come hear Alasdair and Natalie at Caltech!

Next Sundy on the radio, FolkScene will feature a recent interview/performance with Dave and Phil Alvin at 6:00 PM on KPFK, 90.7 FM.  If you can’t listen then, you can hear it on KPFK’s Audio Archives after the show by clicking on the 6-8PM, April 2 time slot.

Have you ever wanted to see the inside of Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) on the Pasadena/La Canada Flintridge border?  The annual 2 day Open House at JPL will not be until May 20 and 21, but you can order free tickets now.  They will run out, so you might want to reserve tickets as early as possible.  See Explore JPL.

Finally, as you can probably tell, Spring wildflowers are about to bloom in the desert, mountains, and along the coastline!  Find out what is happening where and when from the Theodore Payne Foundation weekly Wildflower Hotline reports, either on their web site, or on the newly re-established telephone hotline at  818 768-1802, ext. 7.   And here’s a hot tip:  Viewed locally this past weekend, Encelia californica (common name: Coast Sunflower or California bush sunflower) at Eaton Canyon (1750 N Altadena Dr, Pasadena) are making a fantastic display north of the parking lot, as you walk along the creek.  And though they are not wild, the tulips at Descanso Gardens (1418 Descanso Dr, La Cañada Flintridge) are back and there is a fantastic display with lots of variety.  The are at their peak right now.


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Thursday, May 6, 2010 and cheese

This week we're visiting a B&B. Cheese from Britain and Beer from Belgium.

Harbourne Blue from Devon is a pasteurized goat's milk blue. Currently it is the only goat blue in Britain. Our wheels of Harbourne have a rich floral flavor with slight sweetness. A little bit of pepper flavor with a long finish, a spiciness that comes with blue cheese, and a tang that comes from goat's milk. Easily one of our favorite blues.

When beer buyer Xian was describing Saison Dupont to the staff the other day he used four words. Spicy, complex, fruity and floral. Saison Dupont from Tourpes, Belgium is all of these things of course but Saison beers have an interesting history behind them. Traditionally brewed in the autumn and winter months when the weather was at optimum temperature for fermentation. The beer had to have enough alcohol to preserve the beer until the next brewing, and still be thirst-quenching enough to satisfy during the hot summer months. Spicy, complex, fruity and floral. Come in this weekend and taste for yourself.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Tastings This Week

Wine tastings and discounts and salumi!

For our French Market customers, this Thursday (5/6) we are having a free wine tasting from 5-7pm. In addition to tasting some delicious wines, our wine buyer Jamie will be on hand to answer any wine queries you may have.

Are you loopy for the Loop location? Friday (5/7) from 5-7pm we're having our free wine tasting at our Lake St. store. Tasty treats to help you start the weekend right!

Do you love Lakeview? Thursdays in the month of May we are extending a discount to our Broadway store customers. Here's how you can make it work for you: Purchase cheese and wine on one receipt you will get 10% off your total purchase. That's it. The discount is only valid on Thursdays and only at our store on Broadway.

Is encased meat your thing? If so, you're going to want to be at our Lake St. location this coming Saturday (5/8) from 3-5pm for a demo with the talented artisan salumi makers at Creminelli. Can't decide if you want to try the wild boar or the truffle? Make your mouth and your tummy happy by tasting both!

We would like to wish Cesar Bon Voyage as he takes off today for a two week tour in Europe. Meeting up with Daphne and Marcel for some Comte talk (and tasting), tasting wines of France and Spain and a possible detour to Morocco. We can't wait to see your pictures and hear all your stories!


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2009 First Ascent of Karim Sar (6180m)

Sth face K Sar
I first caught sight of Karim Sar (6180m) in 2007. My friend Lydia and I were on top of a small, previously unclimbed peak between the Baltar and Toltar Glaciers in the Northern Areas of Pakistan, with our new Italian friends, Giampi and Lorenzo Corona. The peak was a consolation prize for both teams after failing on our primary objectives.From our huddle on the summit we could see a lovely ice capped mountain to the south. Lorenzo and I identified it as the peak his friend Ivo Ferrari was attempting with his two mates: Lorenzo even had the expedition postcard! I took photos and stored the peak away in the back of my brain.
Two years later (2009) and our Pakistan plans were to attempt the first ascent of the south face of Kampire Dior (7000m) via the Batura Glacier- an ambitious, remote and lengthy expedition. But in May the Taliban invaded the Swat Valley, our expedition outfitter became reluctant to take us to an area close to the Afghan/Pakistan border, and there was talk of a compulsory and expensive accompanying government liaison officer. Two team members pulled out. Time to change plans! I remembered Karim Sar and emailed Wolfgang Heichel to establish it?s status. Still unclimbed, he said
On June 52009 Paul Hersey and I arrived in Islamabad to discover security in the city at an all time high. Soldiers with AK47?s, roadblocks and a wary population had emptied the streets and our anxious guide Baig (Nazir Sabir Expeditions) saw us as a potential target for every kidnapper, suicide bomber and insurgent in Central Asia. He wouldn?t let us out of his sight.
We drove north up the Karakoram Highway against an endless tide of refugees fleeing the Swat Valley, Baig breathing a nervous sigh of relief when we reach the relative safety of Gilgit. Three days later we were ensconced at basecamp beside the Shilinbar Glacier, under the south face of Karim Sar. The face was a confusing mass of steep snow slopes, hanging glaciers and granite rock bands culminating in the summit ice cap. With an elevation of 2600m, it?s was a daunting sight

A week later we arrive back at basecamp, cold and damp after an extended acclimatisation sortie into the head of the glacier. Paul had struggled with the altitude and we?d moved slowly in snowy, unsettled weather. I had a headache and was feeling the cold. Summer was late to arrive and there was infinitely more snow than the two years previous (we learned later the Karakoram hadn?t seen as much winter snow in 30 years!)

At base camp Paul came down with an undiagnosed illness, recovered, and then decided he didn?t want to go onto the mountain. I felt a strong mix of despair, anger and anxiety?the expedition was heavily sponsored, and for me, giving up without an attempt wasn?t an option. I decided to try the mountain alone and succumbed to some angst ridden, sleepless nights. I was scared of the prospect!
The morning of my departure for the summit Paul announced he would come back up the glacier to advanced basecamp (4200m). I felt a flood of gratitude ? even if Paul was thousands of feet below me, it would be a huge relief to know he was there in some capacity.
Moving up through a dangerous section of the icefall Paul climbed with a new speed and confidence. The next morning he agreed to come a few hundred metres up the face to belay me through a rock band, but when we got beneath the short granite pitch I realised ice cliffs 1500m above ringed the terrain. I decided to follow a gully system out to the left which appeared to finish on a small saddle at about 5100m. The gully was overhung on the right by a massive, but seemingly stable ice cliff and the route seemed the better of two evils.

To my surprise Paul decided to continue, even though he had no overnight gear. I arrived at the saddle at about 3pm, dug a tent platform and watched him slowly work his way up the steepening slope. The location was breathtaking: Rakaposhi and Diran to the south, Sangamarmar only a couple of kilometres east and way in the distance, the massive Hispar Glacier.

We both spent a sleepless night: Paul because he was in a large plastic pack liner, and me because I was so damn nervous. But 4am arrived and I brewed up, handed my sleeping bag to Paul and headed up a steep snow slope to the first obstacle ? a small granite rock band covered in loose snow. I bridged up a gully for a few metres, had an ?I can?t do this? moment, and climbed back down. Thwarted only half an hour from the tent! Taking a deep breath I tried again and this time made the 20m to the top.

Another steep snow slope led to a 100m high granite cliff.I headed right to circumvent it, then realising I would have to traverse a steep rock gully with a large drop beneath it, scurried back to the left. Above me were two ice cliffs, and between them a steep narrow gully of snow about 100m high. I front pointed up the gully and half an hour later found myself in a wide cwm, rimmed by huge ice cliffs 300m above.

The cliffs seemed quiet, but it was early, and as there were plenty of big ice blocks strewn around I decided to climb up onto a broad ice rib on the right of the cym. I tried to hurry but with snow was almost up to my knees progress was glacial. However, up on the rib conditions were better and I sped up dramatically (in my mind, anyway

Two raps off V-threads got me close to the base of the ice slope, and another three off rock bollards saw me back at the start of the traverse, my heart in my mouth. The snow had deteriorated further and by the time I reached the far end and climbed back up onto the broad rib, I was in tears

But progress down the rib was rapid and I soon cheered up. In no time I was back in the cwm. I sat down behind a large block of ice and had a couple of those gu-things and started to feel smug and pleased with myself. I set off again with a big grin!
Reversing the steep narrow gully between the ice cliffs required concentration, followed by a nasty traverse back to the slope above camp. I spent forty minutes cold welding a number six BD stopper into a rotten crack for an anchor, then 30m later repeated the procedure to rappel the final rock band. At this stage I could see the tent, and soon Paul stuck his head out the door, waved and disappeared again.
I felt such an enormous sense of relief when Paul hugged me I burst into tears for the second time. He had water melted and food ready and I was so appreciative, knowing how hard he had had to work to get to that height, sleeping in a plastic bag and all. After forty minutes he left to descend to ABC 1000 metres below-two nights in a plastic bag definitely beyond the call of duty! I fell sound asleep on my stomach in our BD First Light. On dusk I woke again, made another brew, and then passed out till 7am.
Descending the gully next day my legs were like jelly. Two 1000m days in succession, breaking trail, were beginning to take their toll. Paul was waiting at ABC, and we packed up and made our way slowly back to basecamp, Baig and our cook Naseer.
Back in Islamabad several days later, I was happy to spend the time before our flight watching Wimbledon on cable in my hotel room. While we?d been in the mountains there had been further bombings in nearby Peshawar and Rawalpindi and Nazir Sabir Expeditions was adamant we keep a low profile. But when Paul and I did venture into the city, time and time again we were approached by locals thanking us for visiting Pakistan in troubled times.
For me the expedition was extremely satisfying: a first ascent of a beautiful mountain, the opportunity to see Pakistan history in the making, and to support a struggling mountain based industry. Many thanks once again to Nazir Sabir Expeditions for their superb logistical? support and to Sport and Recreation New Zealand (SPARC Hilary Expedition Grant), The Mount Everest Foundation, WLGore Ltd (Shipton Tilman Award),Mountain Hardwear, Southern Approach/Black Diamond, Berhaus, DHL and the New Zealand Alpine Club for providing the funding and equipment to make the expedition happen

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Horizon Sunrooms

Carve a Niche for Yourself

What would you do with a little more space? Perhaps you’d set up a home office and see your productivity skyrocket. Maybe you’d choose to create an exercise studio, a hobby room, or a den for family game nights. A place to invest in your health or make your leisure time more pleasant. A beautiful place to pursue your dreams.

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The biggest concern most homeowners express when considering an addition is the overall look of the finished product. You don’t want your new sunroom to look like a new construction, tacked onto the back of your house. You want it to look like it’s always been a part of your home’s design, interwoven with both your house and your landscape.

Achieving a lived-in look is all about the details. Fortunately, our designers and sunroom builders are detail masters. Horizon Sunrooms feature a gabled roof that can be pitched to match your home’s existing roofline, creating a seamless look and giving your space higher ceilings and a lighter, more expansive feel. We can also match trim, paint colors, light fixtures, outlets — all of the particulars that make your home unique. By the time we’ve completed your new sunroom, you’ll think it’s been there all along.

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Here's a thurible to end all thuribles

November 23, 2009 by
Filed under Patrick's Blog

This amazing video gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “in the line of fire.” You definitely do not want to be standing in or near the path of this bad-boy censer. The way I see it, if you’re going to incense the sanctuary of the house of the Lord, really, really incense it, like these priests do.

Unfortunately, a few tourist lookie-loos can be heard tittering in the background as this thurible gets going. But I have to think that even they were impressed by the majestic symbolism of the billowing incense pouring forth from this no-nonsense bowl of fire.

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12 Responses to “Here's a thurible to end all thuribles”
  1. Robin says:

    I didn’t have a bucket list. Until I saw this.
    Now, I would love to visit this Church in person to be a part of this.

    Question for you about normal sized thuribles. Is it okay to use a thurible in one’s home to burn incense? If so, when (e.g., only when praying or ??) and what special considerations are there regarding how it is handled, how it is used, etc.?

    I looked for guidance in the Catechism but couldn’t find any prohibition.
    If not the thurible, what about a censer at home?

  2. Carol Marie says:

    wow! I actually found it very intense and frightening to watch. I would be extremely distracted from the solemnity of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass if I were there. Watching it in the comfort of my own home, I found myself tittering with nervousnous at what could be impending doom for anyone who got in the way of the swing of it.

  3. helgothjb says:

    But not nearly as impressive!

  4. Catholic says:

    My engineer brain is thinking it would be better to just use the forced-air heating system to incense the place. Less energy used, safer, and less distracting!

    Having said that, it is truly amazing what they do there!

  5. Dawn says:

    Too much. Just too much.

  6. helgothjb says:

    Ok, when I studied at the Eastern campus of Fran. U. (in Austria) my friends and I had a chance to take a trip to Santiago de Compstela, and besides praying by the tomb of the Apostle, the thurible was the next most amazing thing. (Oh, and WI Catholic, I have asthma and there was no problem) I was nervous for the people sitting in the pews in the transept because the rope is held to the ceiling by only one pulley. Plus, when they first get the thing going you can see the flames coming out of it sides. Surely there has been at least one accident since they have been doing this! It is huge! It takes four men to carry it in using long poles that they carry on their shoulders. I assume that this is a necessity because of its heat by the time Mass is over.

  7. jill says:

    My trad teenagers think it's over the top — too much drama.

  8. phatcatholic says:

  9. Kelly says:

    Holy. Smoke.

  10. Kevan Knowles says:

    I feel blessed by just watching this, but was nervous that there may have been a bad ending to this. Thankfully the rope held up well.

  11. Nissa says:

    HOLY SMOKES, Patrick! I have serious censer envy. I have trouble getting my little table-top model to make the tiniest puff.

    My eight year old might be tempted to hitch a ride on this one…

  12. WI Catholic says:

    One would need total trust in those who are in charge of keeping that in good repair. I cannot imagine what would happen if that chain broke at the highest point, nor can this person with asthma/allergies imagine the results of that much incense… that is one big thurible!!

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class of 2014

An Open Letter to the Class of 2014

Pastor Pat Holidays, News & Current Events

Dear Class of 2014, I graduated from Bishop Gorman High School in Las Vegas, Nevada in 1985. (You can do the math to figure out my age!) Some four years later, I graduated from University of Miami’s Music Engineering Technology program. (Go ‘Canes!) Lastly, and most notably, I graduated from …

Keeping Our Eyes on Jesus No Matter What

Pastor Pat News & Current Events

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.” If you were someone who was touched by the ministry of Bob Coy and Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, your heart is hurting right now. Yesterday, I wrote some thoughts I had about his resignation. (You can …

Responding to the Resignation of Pastor Bob Coy

Pastor Pat News & Current Events

I learned this morning that Bob Coy, pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, resigned due to moral failure. It hit me hard; I was shocked, floored. (You can read the statement from the church here.) I came to know the Lord through the ministry of Calvary Chapel in Las Vegas, …


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Patti Bagadion Blogger, geek, social media student Sun, 21 May 2017 17:31:09 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Patti Bagadion 32 32 I really want a pet hippo! Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:40:18 +0000 This is the best video I have seen in a long time. I love Baby Fiona more than I should.

I’m just glad no one has to change her diaper!

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Happy Pi Day! Wed, 15 Mar 2017 16:53:50 +0000 I know Pi Day was yesterday, but in honor of my son, who is a hard-core Islanders fan, there’s this:

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When Is Take Your Kid to Work Day? Sat, 11 Mar 2017 17:43:50 +0000 Before you take your kid to work, watch this – then decide.

Actually, “toots” might be preferable to the snow we may get this week!

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Talking Like a Politician Mon, 06 Mar 2017 04:20:45 +0000 This reads like fingernails on a chalk board for me. This was Governor Kasich talking about healthcare.

I don’t know if this is what he actually said or what some reporter wrote. I saw it in a story I read online and I don’t remember the source. Maybe that’s what’s going on with anonymous sources – nobody remembers who actually said things.

Anyway, I read somewhere this is a regional thing. I want to move to a region where this is not said. If you want to sound like the people you represent, please represent people who know how to speak.

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vrijdag 6 december 2013

Swirlydoos 12 Days of Christmas Contest Day 6

Good morning,
Are you all enjoying these 12 days of Christmas assignments, as much as we do?
We love all the entries!!
And did you have fun with Rae's assignment (giftbox) yesterday?
I have the next one for you, but with a little twist:
Your Assignment:
Create a GIFTBOX incorporating:  a triangle,
(it can be the box itself, (don't panic, I made a template for you) or just a triangle shape on your box)
the colors red, gold & green, and a "Merry Christmas" sentiment.
And now for some inspiration, here's my gift box:
Of course this box is only for inspiration, and you can give it your own twist, using your own supplies. However I did a step by step tutorial on this box, and created a template, which you can find in the Contest thread.
so again, your assignment is to create a GIFTBOX using:
For this box, I used Kaisercraft PP from their Christmas Carol Collection, some laces and trims from my stash and from our Decemeber kit, Prima Marketing Resin piece, Petaloo Berries,
 and a ribbon with the Merry Christmas sentiment.
 Make your gift box, and upload it to the gallery in the contest section by midnight (EST), TONIGHT! The winner will be posted later in the day.
Good luck, and have fun!!!!!

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

After 1 week of deafening silence , our PM and DPM finally came out with a statement to counter the RPK SD.

Pm said, he does not believe his deputy Datuk Seri Najib Abdul Razak and wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor are involved in the murder of Mongolian model Altantuya Shaariibuu. The SD is incorrect., and what he (Raja Petra) did is unacceptable. What he said is not right.

Dpm said its “total lies, fabrication and total garbage,” and a “desperate and pathetic attempt to discredit and taint my political image.”

Am I just the only one or are you also seeing something in the statement made by PM?

Looks like its very guarded and more on the cautious side. Don’t you think so? Words like, does not believe, incorrect, not right. I maybe wrong for barking at the wrong tree, but I see no commitments there in our PM. Maybe for a change he is enjoying being out of the spot light for little while. So whats wrong to have a short space to breath even for the wrong reasons.

I would assume he would have come down hard on RPK. A defamation suit at the very least, or is that the next course of action. The law of motion dictates that the pendulum swings in both direction. For RPK to come up with such an explosive SD, there must be some backing?

Many are wondering who the deep throat is , the unknown little bird who told all to RPK?...

If it concerns DPM, then my wild educated guess will be his political rivals. Take your pick:

Razak baginda’s wife?

Razak baginda’s father?

Army intelligence ?

Kairail J?

Tengku razali?

Altanuya’s ghost?

I find it difficult to believe that the whole thing is a hoax. RPK will not hang himself for noting. So whats next?

Hopefully RPK has his trump card all locked up for safe keeping. What that is and how it will be brought out is the bomb that will make the c4 explosion like childplay! So till then, clink on to your chairs ……cheers

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I was born in Czech Republic, a monolingual country with minimal usage of English.
The key to be among the 1500 million people in the world that speaks English is to practice!
As the saying goes: “the limits of your language are the limits of your world.”-Ludwig Wittgenstein

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Peaceful Heart strives to offer products and services that promote and enhance emotional and spiritual wellbeing. A person’s emotional wellbeing and sense of ‘self’ has a significant impact on the physical body and overall health of an individual. We have many tools available in the form of books, CD’s, classes, events and speakers to assist in understanding what our emotional needs are as an individual. We can then choose to create a healthy, balanced emotional environment or state of mind for ourselves.
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Interfaith Food MinistriesInterfaith Food Ministry (IFM) is a food pantry serving western Nevada County residents and supported by 15 faith congregations and by many local businesses and individuals. IFM provided groceries including fresh fruits and vegetables, meat, milk, bread and nonperishable items to more than 3,000 families in 2013. Most of IFM’s clients are the working poor and seniors, and more than a quarter are children.

PEACE Lutheran Church members organize, participate in and support food drives that help feed our neighbors. Our church also contributes financially to IFM and supports the IFM Diaper Project, providing disposable diapers for client families.

To learn more about Interfaith Food Ministry or to get involved, call the church office at (530) 273-9631 or go to

Lutheran RoseBack to PEACE in the Community


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Monday, March 26, 2007

Spring Break
Pt. 1

Spring sprung

Ruby got a haircut

Watched a lot of Ultraman

Kirk wiped out on his skateboard

I dyed my hair a hideous burnt orange color and then back again to a basic, boring, beautiful shade of brown

Made more cupcakes
This time with teal frosting

Joined the YMCA...
Gotta get rid of these cupcake thighs before Summer

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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Big day for Abigail

After almost 2 years, Abigail's hair was finally long enough to cut and donate to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. This morning she and her best friend had appointments together to have their hair cut for donation.

Here's a couple of pictures. I love her new short hair!

About the time Abigail was starting Kindergarten, she decided she wanted to grow her hair for a friend at church that was battling cancer.  Her friend, Caroline, was in the middle of yet another round of treatment and had lost her hair as a result.  Just last month Caroline lost her battle with childhood cancer, and she passed away.  Caroline was a very special little girl, and I'm so proud that Abigail was doing this in her honor.

Aside from having a life-threatening allergy, I have a happy, healthy child.  I have so much to be thankful for!

Julie said...

That's awesome! Go Abigail! I too donate my hair but to Locks of Love. This will be my second time to donate when I go get my hair cut hopefully next week.

Paul said...

that is wonderful, do you think I should consider this too?

love U Paul

Horning's said...

Thats amazing thatyour little girl recognized another childs need and wanted to do something to help... you have a special little girl :) I have done this too in the past (when i was pregnant with my first..) and now 2-1/2 years later my hair is long enough again and I am just waiting to get my sister in law to cut it :) Locks of love is who I have donated to in the past, any advise on Pantene's program? Maybe I will do this one? Thanks to you and your little daughter :) My oldest, Teagan has the peanut allergy and I am following your blog and thankful to you for your advise and stories, they really do help me a lot!
Thanks again,
Jenna (mom of two little girls, one of which has a severe peanut allergy and the other is being tested next week)

Mom with a Mission said...

Thanks for all of the comments!

Jenna, we chose Pantene because they require 8" instead of 10". Like Locks of Love, they don't charge the recipient which was really important for us. I'm so glad my blog is helping you and your family. Good luck to your girls. Hope you'll continue to read and comment. Here's to negative test results next week!!

jenny said...

Oh, I am soooo touched. Good job, both of you!


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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Stupid cold...

That's my excuse for having been an absent blogger. I swear it has nothing to do with being lazy and opting to lay on the couch reading and napping instead of sorting out the myriad thoughts in my head and getting them down on paper. Or screen, as the case may be.

I had the sniffles. Now I have the sinus congestion. I sound not unlike The Family Guy's Lois.

This morning the face of an absolutely gorgeous little girl with chubby cheeks and great big brown eyes greeted me from the front cover of The Toronto Star. About 7 months old, she was found face-down in the freezing cold stairwell of a Toronto strip mall, whimpering. And abandoned.

They still don't know who she is. No one has identified this precious little soul. No one wants her back enough to claim her.

It makes my heart ache when children are discarded like this. It makes me want to scream until my throat bleeds at the unfairness of a world where some people make babies so easily and so frequently that they just drop off the extras in staircases like unwanted kittens, and other people spend thousands of dollars and years of their lives trying to make just one healthy, take-home baby. And sometimes never succeed.

There is no fair. There is only the lot you're given.

I've been having some wild dreams lately.

The other night, while Britney Spears and I were looking for snacks in my Mom and Dad's basement while we folded laundry, she casually told me that I reeeeeally needed to cover all the gray in my hair.

If anyone can decipher that one, please let me know.

The other day I wrote a scathing post about Bush and his 900+ lies, but My Beloved suggested I not post it.

Party pooper.

We took My Beloved's parent's cat to the vet this week to have an ingrown claw looked at (gross).

She was My Beloved's cat once upon a time (and he still thinks of her as his), but she's lived with my in-laws for 9 years without him, so I kind of think of her as theirs.

However, as I sat in the vet's waiting room with my fingers poking through the carrier bars scratching her worried little head in an attempt to soothe her, she suddenly felt like mine.

And I can't quite get her out of my head.

I'm such a sucker for small things that need me.

I have now let two two-for-one movie coupons expire.

Good GOD, we need to get out more.

I was stuck in traffic for a while tonight, and while I was sitting at a very long light (that I didn't make it through the first time), I noticed I could smell a fire.

Fires are nothing but cozy to me, reminding me of chilly fall days at the cottage; my Grandma lighting her prized pot-bellied stove to keep us warm; and the unmistakable smell of Tasso Lake wood being burned on crisp winter nights at the house my Grandparents used to live in once upon a time, just around the corner from ours.

All kinds of cozy.

So I sat there in the car, breathing the smell in deeply.

Until I realized I was at the intersection by the funeral home...that has a crematorium on the property.

I don't know. I just don't know. But I stopped breathing deeply just in case.

I know it's morbid. Really morbid. And I can't help but wonder if only the perpetually bereaved would even think it...

Tomorrow is February. We'd have been the parents of twins by the end of the month.

But instead, I'm pining over an old cat that doesn't belong to me and going to therapy to sort out 5 years' worth of grief.

'Cause that's fun too.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Okay, so I'm hooked up to the heart monitor. Have been for 6 hours. Have I had one single little flutter? One trace of a palpitation? One itty, bitty blip? No.

They've plagued me for the better part of two months, tormenting me endlessly, and now when I WANT them to come, they won't.

Doesn't that just figure? Doesn't that just flucking figure??

Because the thing is, I wear this for two weeks OR until I record 14 "episodes". Yes, it's a relatively small device (ipod size vs. the extra-large Walkman size one I wore 17 years ago), but one of the two sticky disks (I'm sure there's an actual name for them) that keeps the electrode next to my skin is ever-so-unflatteringly placed just below my collarbone to the immediate right of the middle of my neck. In plain view unless I'm wearing a turtle neck or a nun's habit.

And I have neither.

And this is annoying.

I scoffed when the nurse, a woman in her 50's wearing braces that seemed about 10 times too big for her mouth, told me the two week or 14 episode rule. I told her I'd likely be back in a few days given the frequency of the flutters.

She didn't seem impressed by this, by the way.

I know I should be happy, not to mention relieved, that the flutters seem to have magically calmed down. And I am. But I'd be much happier if I wasn't connected to a heart monitor by two sticky disks, one very visible and increasingly itchy, for what may now be two full weeks.

The fun never stops.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Commercial break

I'm such a schmuck. Instead saying thank you for all the supportive and wonderfully sweet comments - and for taking the time to let me know that you're our there and that you care - I launched into a heart palpitation festival of woe.

Please ignore me.

Well, after I say a very heartfelt (albeit belated) thank you.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tick Tock

It's funny when they call your bluff, isn't it? The doctors, I mean.

I went in for a routine blood pressure check this morning, and while I was there I mentioned some annoying heart palpitations I've been having on and off for the last month or so (which have secretly being making me crazy. Crazier).

I've had palpitations for as long as I can remember (usually when I'm overtired or stressed out of my gourd), and was checked out very thoroughly 17 years ago when they seemed particularly frequent to me. Everything was normal. Benign, even.

The thing is, it didn't really stop me from worrying about it. My mind is like that. Impenetrable to anything even remotely resembling relief or reassurance.

I was hoping she'd slough off my fears, wave her hand dismissively and tell me it was stress. All in my head. Nothing to worry about.

Instead she said, "Hmmmmmm", looked concerned and listened to my ticker intently.

It seemed normal (kind of like Michigan J. Frog, who'll only sing for the guy who opens up the time capsule), but just to be sure, I'm scheduled for a heart monitor hook up in the next few days.

Two weeks with a portable monitor making me even more aware of my fluttering heart than I already am.

Except that maybe this time if nothing is wrong, I'll believe it.

Shut up. I might.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Wii, Wii, Wii all the way home

I sustained a Wii-related shoulder injury on the weekend.

You know you're either in very bad shape or very old when you hurt yourself playing imaginary bowling.

While explaining the intricacies of the set-up and play of the game, my brother-in-law (a much younger and injury-free man who owns the Wii), told My Beloved and I that you can "make people". By this he meant that you can make little cartoon caricatures of yourself to represent you on screen while you're playing.

But of course I took the opportunity to make a morbid joke of it all.

"You can make people with Wii? So THAT's The problem! We've been going about this all the wrong way. We just needed a Wii!"

There's nothing like a room full of nervous laughter and averted eyes to confirm the bombing of an ill-fated joke.

But I still think it was funny.

My therapist wonders if maybe I use humour to avoid dealing with some of my pain. I like her and all, and so far the sessions have helped quite a bit, but she's going to have to dig a little deeper than this, I think.

Because really, it doesn't get more obvious that that.

Of course I do.

Now getting me stop, there's the challenge.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The flipside

I suppose it'll make me look reallllly needy and selfish if I beg you to stay, huh? If I tell you that your comments mean the world to me and that I read and ponder and re-read every single one, and that even though I've abandoned you I still want you to stay with me and hold my hand, right?

This doesn't make me look good at all...

But since I seem to be into telling the ugly truth these days, there you go.

Don't leave me. Please?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

An apology

I've been a terrible blog friend lately. I've been reading sporadically at best and posting comments even less.

I don't know why I feel the need to explain and apologize (my therapist, after just three sessions, feels comfortable enough to make fun of my need to apologize constantly. I don't know if I should be amused or perturbed by this, quite frankly). Nonetheless, explain and apologize I shall do.

In a nutshell, it's safer just to stay here, inside this little box.

When I first stumbled across this community of mourning bloggers a month or so after Thomas died, my experience was very similar to those of the grieving mothers I found here. Not exactly, of course. The circumstances that brought us to a place of such deep grief were different, but we were all more or less in the same place, dealing with the same sorrows and the same struggles. It was a refuge. A home filled with people who understood in a way no one in my "real" world did.

Fast forward nearly three years, and I feel like I'm treading water in a great big ocean all by myself. So many of those mourning mothers that I once felt such a connection to have, thankfully, gone on to bear healthy, living children. Others are pregnant now. Others, having made the leap from mourning mother to mourning mother of a living child, are now considering taking the TTC plunge yet again.

And I haven't moved. I've gone backwards with losses four and five, combined.

I'm not fishing for sympathy here. It is what it is.

I'm glad so many people - so many wonderful friends - have found the peace and joy that a new pregnancy and/or healthy child have brought. I just sometimes can't read about it.

The ugly truth. There it is. I sometimes can't read about it.

I'm tormented by the thought that I may never have that extra dose of healing peace a new, healthy pregnancy reportedly brings mourning mothers. They say it doesn't fill the holes, but they say it helps. More than they ever imagined.

What if I never get that help? Where do I find it then? Where is my help? My peace?

So I slink back to my safe little box where everything stays the same and pretend that it doesn't feel like the world is moving on without me.

For now that's my peace.

And I'm sorry. Just don't tell my therapist I said so.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Retail therapy

So we went out and got a chair for the newly painted office.

It was a little more than the $1.36 we spent on Friday, but it was still a very good deal. And I like it. And it soothes me. And I will buy things, dammit, because there's a hole in my heart and I'm not eating enough to fill it.

And that's the way it goes.

Now as for you, thank you so much for the reassurances - all of you. I can't fathom the guilt ever leaving me. I don't know how it's possible to get rid of something that feels like it runs through every fiber of my being, but it does help to know I'm alone in pointing the big ugly finger of blame my way. At least there's that.

And Amy, yes, I remember you. It's so nice to "see" you - and to know that you don't blame me either. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.

And Heather, in case you think I wasn't listening, check out - floor lamps GALORE. Poke. Poke. Poke.

And My Beloved, thank you. Over and over and over again, thank you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Identity crisis

I've always had at the very least a vague notion of who I was. Or what I was going to be. Or what I wanted to become.

And I realized today, as I was wandering from the bank to the grocery store to pick up some things I forgot yesterday, that I don't have that clarity anymore.

I have no idea who I am.

I know how this happened. I know very well that the turmoil of trying and losing and trying and losing and trying and burying and healing and trying and losing has done this to me. I'm aware of the path that lead me to this distressing Tuesday afternoon realization.

My problem is, how do I fix it?

I feel like I'm lost inside this person who breeds nothing but pain. I've hurt so many people in the process of trying to bring a child into the world, and it's a terrible, gnawing, awful feeling.

They will say, My Beloved and my therapist, that it's not my fault - that I didn't do anything. That I am not to blame.

But I'm the vessel. I'm the great hope. And I'm nothing but hopeless.

Part of the reason I'm reluctant to talk about the whole baby business here is because I'm terrified of dragging people I love along with me for yet another hellish ride.

There are days, moments really, when I wish that I could just go away. Leave everyone and everything behind and disappear, never to wound again.

I love too much to do this, not to mention the fact that I'm far too needy to wander off and start a new life away from everyone I adore and depend on.

But the fantasy is lovely. Imagine a life where no one expected anything of me. Where no one could be hurt by me. Where no one pitied me, worried about me, or waited, with bated breath, for good news from me. Just imagine that.

I suppose no one has that kind of life. And I know the grass is always greener and I'm lucky as hell to have so many people who do care so much about me when there are people in the world who are desperately lonely - and very much alone.

I just wish I didn't feel like all I've done is let the people I love down and bring them such unbearable sorrow.

It's a pretty shitty feeling.

Monday, January 14, 2008

We're on a roll...

Tonight it was Costco. We came home with Downy, organic cereal, banker's boxes, honey, vanilla, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, and 32 rolls of toilet paper.

As My Beloved pointed out, this is what happens when we (and by that he means me) go on a diet. Instead of eating, we buy stuff.

So far we've been practical and relatively frugal (I had a coupon for the toilet paper and Downy, and of course Friday's Bulk Barn haul was, you'll recall, just $1.36). But the longer I go without regular servings of chocolate, the more extreme the purchases will become, I suspect.

I'm thinking a club chair for our newly painted office...

If I can't eat, don't have a baby, and can't garden (for another few months, anyway), at least I can still shop. They can't take that away from me.

If you're looking for a personal shopper (and I do more than just purchase cleaning products and high-fiber food items, just so you know), please give me a call. Spending someone else's money is every bit as satisfying as spending my own. It's the thrill I'm after, really.

Although I do want a club chair...

Friday, January 11, 2008

Rock on

Sooooo, it's Friday night. We're grown ups. We have a car. We have an entertainment budget. We have money in the entertainment budget. We don't need to find a babysitter (sigh). We don't have to get up in the morning. We don't have any family obligations - or, really, any obligations at all.

So what, you might be wondering, did we do with ourselves (although clearly not for very long because It's 9:31pm and we're back home already)?

We went to Bulk Barn and spent $1.36 on some wheat bran and brown rice.

We browsed through a couple of other stores first (a Benix outlet and some sort of "urban chic" furniture and accessory store filled with overpriced urban chic crap that 20-something urban chic-sters covet but can't afford), but settled on Bulk Barn as a repository for our Friday night entertainment money.

As we were pulling out of the parking lot, chuckling at our ancient selves, I commented that it may have been the most boring Friday night itinerary ever, but when you're doing it with the right person, it's somehow fun. And undeniably cozy.

The right person makes everything right.

You hear people ask, "how do you know you've found the one?" And now I know the answer. When a Friday night trip to Bulk Barn is fun, that's how you know you have a keeper.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

This 'n that. Again.

I promised a raspberry bran muffin recipe.

I lied.

I'll post it (although I don't know who, beside My Beloved and I who share a strange preoccupation with fibre and its myriad sources, will care) but not today. Because the recipe is alllll the way downstairs. And I'm not.

Sometimes my vacuum cleaner sounds like Chewbacca. Usually, for some reason, when I'm doing our bedroom. This amuses me no end.

And I needed to share.

I know I haven't talked about our baby and/or adoption plans here for quite some time. To be honest I really haven't talked about them anywhere for quite some time. Except, of course, with My Beloved.

I know it's odd, given how much information I've divulged in the past, but for some reason I just want to hold it all close to me right now. It feels like all I've done for nearly five years now is raise hopes and dash them. Over and over and over again.

We do have a plan. More or less. As much of a plan as it's possible to have under the circumstances (we've learned the hard way how laughable it is to make "firm" plans), but for now they belong to us.

We've trod some very difficult ground together with our whole worlds watching, and we just need to go it alone for a while.

With, please, no questions asked.

I'm not being cryptic here. I'm not pregnant. I'm just saying the silence is on purpose. We need the space. I need the space.

Want to know something un-fucking-believable? I would have been having the twins next month. NEXT. MONTH.

I was due right around Thomas' birthday (the 9th of March), but I would have been induced at 37 or 38 weeks if I hadn't already had them.

So it would have been February.

Again with the "would haves".

I'm so done with the would haves...

I haven't had chocolate in days.

This would probably account for yesterday's fantasy about diving naked into a gigantic caramel-filled chocolate so I could swim around in it, taking in great gulps of caramel and nibbling at the sides of the chocolate.

It's possible that I may love chocolate just a little too much.

Monday, January 07, 2008

If you're in the greater Toronto area...

From The Toronto Star
January 3, 2008

Lieutenant-governors usually bring their own priorities and causes to the largely ceremonial position.

But in a welcome move, David Onley, who was sworn in as Ontario's 28th lieutenant-governor in September, is carrying on a campaign for native literacy that his predecessor, James Bartleman, championed throughout his five-year term in office.

Onley launched a book drive this week that will collect books for native youth in isolated fly-in communities in Northern Ontario. New children's books can be donated until Jan. 18 at Ontario Provincial Police detachments across the province, and at Toronto police stations.

The drive builds on previous efforts by Bartleman, who headed two campaigns that collected some 2 million books for remote communities in Ontario, Nunavut and Quebec. He also set up summer reading camps and a reading club for native children in Northern Ontario.

Boosting literacy, and opportunities, among native youth is a crucial antidote to the dire poverty, appalling living conditions and high suicide rates that plague many remote reserves. Onley deserves high praise for taking up this worthy cause.

If this has tickled your philanthropic fancy, here is a fantastic place to get books at incredible prices - sometimes up to 80% off. And there's still lots of time to order and have the books delivered to your home before the January 18th drop-off date.

Just a thought...

(I bet you're surprised this post has nothing to do with food, eh? Don't worry - tomorrow I'm posting an amazing raspberry bran muffin recipe! Mmmmm. Muffins.)

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Free to good home!

In the spirit of de-cluttering and in keeping with the theme of food, I have available to the first commenter who wants it a FREE (albeit used) copy of Paula Deen's memoir, "It Ain't All About the Cookin.'"

A very sweet friend sent it to me as a surprise treat one day when I really needed a surprise treat. After I read it I lent it to my Mom, so it's made its rounds in my circle and I think I should release it to the wider world now.

A literary pay-it-forward, if you will.

So if you want it (and you're quick enough) it's yours. Leave me your e-mail address in your comment and we'll work out the logistics that way.

Ah, food.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

This 'n that. Mostly food.

I made really yummy raspberry bran muffins after dinner tonight. I started Weight Watchers (again) today, and bran muffins seemed like a healthy alternative to the chocolate orgy I've been unashamedly engaged in for the better part of the last month.

I ate two. With margarine. But since they're 100% chocolate-free, I think I'm golden.

I'm hungry.

As much as I want to lose more weight (read: re-lose what I lost and gained back), I think a lot of my desire to jump back on the the Weight Watchers bandwagon hinges on my need for control.

When I first started seeing some success on WW back in '06, I was as thrilled by my need for smaller pants as I was of my ability to control the body that had failed me and Thomas so horrendously.

I still want smaller pants. But yeah, I think this is still as much about control as anything else.

I don't really care, it's just interesting to note.

I forgot how all consuming food and weight loss and hunger is during the first week of Weight Watchers.

You might want to skip the next week of posts. I'm just saying.

I had lunch with an elementary school friend I hadn't seen in 23 years last week. We found each other via Facebook (good GOD I love that thing) and after several Scrabulous games and messages back and forth we decided to host our own two-person reunion.

I know I shouldn't, but it's so very hard not to judge people by the way they react to Thomas - his life and death. His story.

We all know someone who has disappointed us - who has retreated in fear, never to be seen again. We all know people who prefer not to talk about it for reasons we just have to hope have more to do with them wanting to protect us than themselves. We all know people who just can't handle it.

Sadly, we just do.

But Stacy wasn't one of those people. She cried great big tears all over the table, oblivious to everyone else in the restaurant, after gently asking me to tell his story. She cried like it happened to her. She told me that she wished we'd gotten back in touch a long time ago so that she'd have been able to be there for me when he died.

She did everything right. Somehow she just knew how.

We didn't win the $36 million dollar 6/49 jackpot tonight.

I guess I'll continue to make my own muffins in the future. No Alice for me.

Really, I'm huuuuungry.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I've never really liked New Year's Eve. I'm so gushingly sentimental about everything that even the turning of a new year easily makes me misty eyed and melancholic.

The past two New Year's Eves - when I've been more than happy to leave the old years behind because they held broken dreams, grief and hopelessness in their clutches - I still felt twinges of sorrow as the ball dropped. I didn't want the dying years back, but the passing of time and the changing of the calendar made me feel so much farther away from Thomas.

Everything seemed so connected to him.

So I fully expected this year to be the same. But, like Christmas, it tricked me.

This year was easy. I've never in my life been so happy to bid an old year farewell. I felt no sorrow as the countdown began. Not even the tiniest bit. I just clutched my glass of sparkling Shiraz and waited for the relief of a fresh start.

I know today really isn't any different than yesterday. Not really. Yesterday was last year, but it was also just Monday.

However, as I lay in bed with my tiny Shiraz buzz on and my body unclenching just a little bit, all I could see stretched out in front of me was a brand new, sparkling white year.

As unblemished as they come.

I have no idea what the year holds for us - and I'm loathe to hazard a guess because life has this funny way of doing the unexpected and unthinkable - but right now, at 10:20pm on the first day of this impossibly young year, I feel good. Not necessarily hopeful, but not drained of hope either.

This year holds no evil for me. It's pristine. Sorrow hasn't wiped its bloody paws all over it yet, and there's every chance it won't.

Yes, yes, there's every chance it will. It is me we're talking about. But still, right now it's good. It's all good.

Minute to minute. That's the way to go.

Happy New Year!


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