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Tag Archive | sex addiction

What Forgiveness Looks Like to the Porn Addict’s Wife

I’ve had a week of soul searching. Of examining the cobwebby crevices of my heart. I am tired now. Genuinely evaluating my emotions, attitudes and beliefs often brings me unsettling answers that don’t comfortably agree with the reality I have created for myself. Staring at my own unhealthy and sinful behaviours is deflating. It requires change of me. More healing. Growth. Effort. Energy. Exhaustion.

It began at my Life group meeting last week. We are currently studying a book called The Bait of Satan by John Bevere which deals with offense, the pain of betrayal, and the effects of unforgiveness. Leading myself and the other women through these lessons has been challenging. There have been some really tough issues for all of us to tackle.

This week I entered the wrestling ring. Shaking my understanding of where in the process of forgiveness I stand with my husband. Doubting my certainty that I have forgiven him for the deep pain his pornography addiction, intimacy anorexia, emotional abuse, and sexual betrayal and rejection have inflicted upon me, our marriage and our children.

I have received and claimed an unexplainable forgiveness over these past wounds. A release and fading of the painful memories. The past pummeling just doesn’t matter anymore. I very seldom return to those times, because although they have contributed significantly to the woman I am, they don’t define me. And they don’t define my husband either. We are a couple recovering from his sex addiction, not living in the throes of it.

The lesson asked four questions warning of the possibility that I may still be harbouring unforgiveness in my heart. Even through a stubborn insistence that forgiveness has been extended.

  1. Why am I compelled to tell my side of the story?
  2. How can I fight thoughts of suspicion or distrust?
  3. What can I do to stop rehearsing past hurts?
  4. How can I regain trust after someone deeply offends me?

These are warning signs. None of them, or even all together, indicate the presence of unforgiveness, merely the possibility. As I answered these questions as honestly as I could, it was number three that pinged at my heart. What can I do to stop rehearsing past hurts? Rehearsing past hurts. Rehearsing. Past. Hurts.

But I don’t really think I am rehearsing past hurts. The hurts I am revisiting are current. From the last few years of our marriage. Not the first twenty five. I have extended grace and forgiveness to both of us for our inability to comprehend the depth of sexual betrayal and destruction we were allowing and inviting into our home before D-Day and recovery.

But now. I have an entirely different set of expectations and boundaries. We both know now what we didn’t know then. The healing process, the journey, is filled with intentional decisions. And when many of the choices my husband makes now to avoid communication and sexual intimacy continues to hurt me, it is a new pain. A fresh gash running alongside the scab. My tears are for today, not for yesterday.

Perhaps there is unforgiveness mingled in with my disappointment and discouragement at what remains broken. At what is being withheld from me. It’s more about what is than what was. With healing, effort, and intentionality I can release the hurts of the past. I have. Forgiveness towards my husband has flowed relatively easily for me.

Forgiveness doesn’t spring from my heart as readily when the stinging blows of rejection keep coming.  Even with all the recovery tools and resources I have gained and utilized to heal from his addiction. Even with a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is.

I’m not refusing to forgive my husband. He is just as deserving and worthy of forgiveness and mercy as I am. I’m not waiting for a magical moment, for that something to happen, or those words to be spoken before I release my feelings of resentment. I’m just recognizing that forgiveness is not a one time occurrence. It is a deliberate decision that I need to make daily because new offenses will come. They just will. Perfection is not attainable for any human.

And so I ask myself:

Have I forgiven my husband for the devastation his sex addiction and intimacy anorexia inflicted upon me for the first twenty five years of our marriage? I believe I have.

Do I still hold unforgiveness in my heart for the remaining fractures and new bruises? I reluctantly admit that I do.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

Change Your Hair, Transform Your Heart

My husband shaved his head this weekend. He had been telling me for the last few days that his hair was getting too unruly and he would need to cut it all off soon. And yet I was still unprepared for the moment when I turned to greet him as he walked into the kitchen after his shower. The baldness startled me. My heart received a sharp pang, and the lump in my throat that was holding back the tears from rising to my eyes grew. He knew instantly that I was dismayed. I attempted to smooth over my reaction by mumbling something about how I wouldn’t be able to run my fingers through his hair anymore.

But that wasn’t the real reason. I couldn’t even look at him. All day I managed to talk and interact with him while avoiding eye contact, and well, looking at his head at all. If my eyes naturally glanced at his face as he began to speak, they quickly bounced away before the image had a chance to embed itself in memories of pain, rejection and abuse.

My husband’s hair, or rather his lack of hair, triggers me. He doesn’t know that. He does know that it upsets me whenever he shaves his head. But I have never told him why. I have chosen not to because it is his hair, on his body, after all, and he has every right to keep his hair at whatever length he wants to. I would not appreciate my husband trying to impose his will over me for any of my personal body choices. I believe that he thinks I just prefer him with hair. Not much different from how I favour the blue T-shirt that matches his eyes over his other clothing options.

But it does go deeper than that. In the beginning stages of our dating and married life, my husband had hair. He kept it fairly short, but still, there was hair on his head. This was the man I was attracted to and fell in love with. Then he began closely shaving his head. I don’t believe it was a defining moment for either of us. How much hair he did or didn’t have was of little importance throughout our marriage.

Until four and a half years ago when I confronted him, and the depth of his sex addiction and intimacy anorexia was exposed. Corresponding with the timing of his decision to battle and enter a recovery program for his pornography use, his head began to be covered in soft, blond curls. I was quite curious and intrigued by this seeming connection of my husband seeking healing and recovery, and letting his hair grow out.

My husband is a big man. With his bald head, his appearance was somewhat intimidating. While in the throes of his pornography addiction and intimacy anorexia, he was an angry, disconnected, emotionally abusive man. The hardness of his heart was displayed on his face. For twenty five years.

As my husband embraced his recovery program, his entire body language shifted and relaxed. The tension was released from his body. His face softened. The blond curls framed his newly smiling eyes. The undeniable change in his physical presence was a gift that allowed me to trust that the same thing was happening in his heart. It was.

And now, I found it so difficult to meet my husband’s gaze. The man who loves me, cherishes me and fights daily for his freedom from addiction. His appearance propelled me back to a time when there was nothing but coldness and indifference in his eyes.

Throughout my day, God gently reminded me that an altered appearance does not reverse the restoration of a heart. Lessons I had received early in my recovery relating to change and transformation surfaced in my thoughts.  They are not the same thing.

Change can change again. It involves a modification of behaviour or actions, making something different, and is usually motivated by the realization that something is no longer working to your satisfaction or needs. Change generally seeks improvement whether it is the filing system at work, repainting your house, or cutting your hair. But it is often temporary, either returning to how it was before, or to something else again.

Transformation has a permanence to it. An overhaul. It does involve change, but also a renewal of one’s character, not just actions. It is the result of a repentant heart pursuing and finding healing and freedom. And once it happens, once awakened to the beauty of life, there is no going back. Transformation acknowledges the past, learns from it and celebrates a new way of living.

My husband changed his outward appearance. And he will again. Throughout his life. So will I. But God has transformed his heart just as He has transformed mine. My husband is a new creation. I am a new creation. Our marriage has been rebuilt and redeemed. And that remains the same whether he has hair on his head or not.

As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart. Proverbs 27:19

Seeking a Satisfied Heart

I’m still waiting. Surprisingly, more patiently than I would have expected amidst my sadness of the last few months. Perhaps because I have changed my focus. Oh, my heart still yearns for the mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy that remains as elusive as finding a family of brightly coloured M & Ms dancing in my backyard. And I am certainly not going to pretend I found a way for it to not matter anymore. History has proven me to be pretty gullible at believing lies and accepting deception, but even I can’t convince myself that the pain of continual sexual rejection and neglect is inconsequential.

But what I am doing is trying my darnedest to no longer let my disappointment and discouragement consume and taint all areas of my life. It is a satisfied heart I seek. A heart that is able to experience peace and joy despite my prevailing sadness. A heart that is open to the goodness of life and God’s creation even when my healing process is not following my predetermined timeline. Even when things don’t seem to be on my timeline at all.

Sometimes, or rather often, when the wounds of sexual betrayal trauma begin to bleed again, I hold my fragile heart tightly in my hands. It is considerably stronger and healthier than it was four years ago. But still there are scars. Some now only faint reminders of the pain and abuse inflicted upon me by my husband’s sex addiction and intimacy anorexia. Others, fading nicely. But this stubborn scab. Nope. It remains resistant to healing.

I will pray for everybody and everything except for the pain that haunts me. And taunts me. And has burrowed into the crevices of my heart. It’s not that I never have. It just seems like there is nothing more to say. I’ve poured my heart out to God. The silent screams. The very real tears. The flickering hope. The guilt and embarrassment of acknowledging that my greatest source of suffering is sexual in nature when others are dealing with considerably more stress and loss filled situations and circumstances in their lives.

My marriage has disappointed me. My husband has disappointed me. My own sinful behaviours and choices have disappointed me. But God has not disappointed me. And I want to keep it that way. Confused and angered me, yes. But when those emotions emerge, I have been able to address and overcome them. For me personally, those emotions don’t threaten to infect and poison my heart and mind in the same way as the crushing defeat of unmet expectations. If I pray, and wait expectantly for an answer, and I don’t receive the response I want or think I should get, well, then, my hope wavers. My trust in God weakens. The domino falls and my trust in my husband falters, and then in myself. My heart begins to ache. The pain crescendos again. And then I stumble and fall into the pity party that welcomes me with open arms and chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

I know this cycle. I am tired of this cycle. I have crawled and lunged through every distorted room of the misnamed carnival fun house forwards, backwards and sideways. With joy, terror and an uneasy acceptance of my task. I have concluded that praying for me, for my marriage, for sexual healing is not safe. And as someone recovering from sexual betrayal trauma, I crave safety and security. A sure foundation.

I have taken many courageous leaps of faith on this journey to wholeness. Some looked like the tiniest of baby steps, others soaring jumps off the ferris wheel. Both were scary. And rewarding. In more ways than I could have ever imagined. Or expected. I have followed the popcorn trail through the chaotic fairgrounds savouring the buttery, salty prize along the way. But for some reason, the freshly squeezed lemonade stand remains elusive and I am unable to quench my thirst. I have sought guidance, and received directions, but they don’t take me to the destination I desperately seek. The popcorn doesn’t taste quite as good as it once did. My heart is not satisfied.

I began writing this post two months ago. When I opened it again, I wasn’t sure what I would find. I didn’t know if the current state of my heart and mind would align with my thoughts from then, and I could pick up where I left off, or if my words would be relegated to the recycle bin. Truthfully, after four years of recovery, I would hope and expect that I would not be stuck in the exact same place for over two months without any movement. But there I was. And here I am.

I cried this weekend. Two days in a row. Saturday evening, the tears of my aching heart appeared on my cheeks as I dared to expose my pain and offer my crushed dreams to God to hold in His hands. I prayed the prayer I was withholding from us all – husband, wife and our Father God. I can’t say that I felt instantly lighter or hopeful. But by allowing God into my deepest pain, I didn’t feel so alone. My burden became more bearable.

In Sunday morning’s church service, the worship band led the two songs that I cherish as being significant healing forces in the very early stages of our disclosures and recovery. The first, “Great are You Lord” was the song I uncontrollably sobbed to, and loudly croaked along with, broken and alone in my living room. Just me, God and my overwhelming pain. Indeed, God was and continues to be the breath in my lungs. The second song, “Oceans” was the daily faith and trust builder that provided me the courage to press forward, lean into Jesus, and prepare my shattered heart for healing. And it did it again. The tears welled in my eyes as God’s tender, merciful whisper to “trust Me” infused my soul with peace and hope.

So I am. Trusting God. And seeking a satisfied heart. I think the two are inseparable.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Spiritual Intimacy is Knocking on My Bedroom Door

The chorus to my life song has been on a frustrating loop this winter. As beautiful and triumphant as the lyrics and melody of God’s amazing grace and glory have been in my life, feeling stuck on repeat was hindering me from recognizing that the tones were becoming richer and deeper. I did not recognize that God has been steadily and surely composing the next verse for me.

I write a lot about my discouragement and pain in reclaiming and building sexual intimacy in my decades long sexless marriage ravaged by my husband’s sex addiction, pornography use, intimacy anorexia and my own adultery and recovery from childhood sexual abuse, premarital sex and sexual betrayal trauma. What I don’t generally write about is the same deep desire I have to connect spiritually with my husband and cultivate a spiritual intimacy that is new to our marriage since we began recovery four years ago.

It is that spiritual intimacy that is becoming stronger and lusher. And yet I nearly missed tasting the sweet harvest that God has been nurturing because of my narrow focus on what I believe is lacking sexually in our marriage rather than looking at the bigger picture of what God has redeemed and continues to heal, restore and transform.

I want to talk to my husband about God. I want to talk to God with my husband. I want us to share and celebrate our God moments; the big and little miracles that happen throughout our day; the impact and perfect timing of a scripture to strengthen, comfort or challenge us. I want us to grow spiritually together. And I want us to stand as one in awe and anticipation of how God will use us and our redemption story to bring Him glory, and to transform and offer hope to other broken lives and marriages.

My passion to be joined together as one goes far beyond the bedroom. And so, maybe for us, it doesn’t begin in the bedroom. Maybe for us, sexual oneness will be a by-product, an offering of worship that comes from serving God as a couple. And maybe, as we wholly serve God both individually and jointly, the fulfillment that brings will satisfy my heart and overflow to all areas of my marriage and life.

You see, my hope is rising. From the day four years and four months ago that I implored God to provide me with a godly, Christian husband, He has been answering my prayers. God is providing me with the desires of my heart. With each display of my husband’s spiritual growth, and his support of mine, my heart swells.

Since we began our recovery, our bedtime routine has included praying together. There are other times when we may pray jointly for a specific request. But that has generally been initiated by me. Until the last few weeks, when twice my husband has stopped me to lovingly take my trembling hands in his, join his heart with mine, and lift my troubled spirit to our Heavenly Father. These tender moments brought tears to my eyes and wonder to my soul.

My husband also reads from the Bible to me every night. We are currently reading through the book of Exodus. I find great comfort and strength in the Old Testament stories of God’s faithfulness. The account of Moses’ radiant face after his encounter with God’s glory on the mountain thrills my heart. But then it is a struggle to read with much interest the very detailed list of materials and measurements required to build the tabernacle. But my husband has managed to make this section into a fun learning experience filled with laughter. I don’t know why we need to know about acacia wood, the various metals used, or the colour of the yarn, but I am confident that God delights in the fact that we joyously do.

We have also been attending a Life group together at our church. I am involved with a wonderful and fulfilling women’s group, but still my heart has longed to be a part of a small group as a couple. Sharing, expanding and deepening our faith together with others in an intimate setting. I participated alone for the first few gatherings. Waiting for my husband to respond to the Spirit’s nudging to join me. He did. In this weekly setting, my heart is filled with an extra dose of contentment and security in the us of today and tomorrow.

There has been a gentle shifting in the holy trinity of our marriage. The spiritual presence and connectivity of my husband growing. The answer to my prayer for him to become a spiritual leader in our marriage, home and family emerging.

It is sexy. Not sexual. But exciting and appealing in a way that is filling my heart with gratitude and celebration. And a sliver of guilt and remorse at my failure to appreciate and acknowledge God’s faithful, unrelenting devotion to healing, restoring and building intimacy in our marriage. Piece by broken piece. In His order. In His timing. By His design. With the utmost care for both of our hearts.

I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness.

For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. Psalm 84:11

Porn – The Serial Killer of Our Sexual Intimacy

I baked my husband’s favourite oatmeal chocolate chip cookies after supper last week. It was Valentine’s Day and we hadn’t done anything special to acknowledge it. I hadn’t made any plans for us, and I wasn’t expecting that he would. Our silence on the subject implied an agreement that nothing would differentiate this day from any other. I did place a card on his pillow after work. Intentionally choosing that time rather than the morning, lest it initiate an obligatory and guilt induced errand during the day to reciprocate in some form.

As we sat eating our nachos and smokies, my heart wrenched a little. The flickering desire to connect with my husband more intentionally and intimately was growing stronger. I’ve been missing him. There is a widening crack in our marriage. It’s ironic how stagnancy does that. How inactivity doesn’t just stall development, it feeds the foulness in a marriage no longer striving for healing. The wrong things grow.

I began devising a way to redeem a small part of our evening. Cookies. Milk. Dreams. Talking about our wedding anniversary the following week. Making plans for spring break and summer vacation. Daydreaming about sailing away (literally) into our retirement years. Scheduling time together. The security of there being an us. That was all the romance I needed.

But I didn’t get it. As I sat at the kitchen table, anticipating the emotional intimacy of jointly sharing our hopes and desires for the coming weeks, months and years, my husband walked into the room. He said some kind words of appreciation for the cookies, bent down to give me a quick kiss, grabbed his snack and promptly disappeared. And I didn’t stop him. I sat there alone. Confused and sad. Wondering why he didn’t choose to sit down with me. Wondering why I didn’t invite him to.

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Holding back my words, my thoughts, my desires and needs. Reclaiming pieces of my heart that I have decided are no longer safe with my husband. The bruised, broken pieces that I had cautiously, but courageously, offered back to him in the last four years as we began healing and recovering from the betrayal, rejection, neglect, and abuse of his sex addiction, intimacy anorexia and a twenty year sexless marriage.

I have done a tremendous amount of work in the last four years to heal from sexual betrayal trauma, as well as the deep wounds of sexual sin inflicted on me by both myself and others. I have embraced a recovery program that has included counselling, a recovery support group, and reading and completing numerous workbooks and recovery materials.

And I have prayed. And wept. And prayed. And burrowed into the Bible. Where I discovered refuge and the promise of forgiveness, hope, grace, and extravagant love. Where God’s comfort, strength and healing power began tenderly restoring His daughter to a new life of wholeness. Where I received the assurance that it was safe to trust God with my heart. And as He drew me towards my husband, I began to understand and believe that it would be okay to trust my husband with it too.

And now my heart aches. The pain of sexual rejection and neglect continues to wash over me. I wrestle with resentment, bitterness, envy, self pity and intense sadness. My hope for God designed, mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy wanes. I am angry at those who have falsely offered me the assurance that when my husband overcame his pornography addiction, his brain would become rewired to sexually desire me. Well, he has, and he doesn’t. He denies the latter. But as recovery teaches us – believe behaviours, not words.

I don’t know for how long we can blame his former pornography addiction and compulsive masturbation for the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage. I don’t know if, or when, the issue shifts from the effects of past porn use to a current unwillingness or ability to prioritize sexual health.

It appears that we will likely never have a conventional sex life. As we have both neared the age of fifty, the physical health of our bodies has betrayed us. It is my desire to find ways to compensate for and overcome these obstacles to cultivate and enrich our sexual intimacy, whether short or long term. An intimate connection that will work for us and be uniquely ours. My husband does not share this desire with me. And that hurts. A lot.

But what hurts even more than the continued sexual deprivation and neglect is the prevalent dishonesty, deception, and avoidance related to our sexual issues. My needs are being ignored and shamed. As are my requests for communication. I feel like I am being strung along as I was for the first twenty five years of our marriage. Being manipulated to keep the boat from rocking.

I am being denied the opportunity to improve our sexual intimacy, and I am being denied the ability to mourn and grieve an integral part of marriage. Of my marriage.

The last several months, I have been unable to fully trust my husband’s words and behaviours. That makes me sad. My heart is his. My body is his. But he can’t or won’t accept that gift. And I don’t know why.

I struggle with this. I recently encouraged a friend by telling her that if she was struggling and wrestling, that meant she was still showing up every day for the battle. She hadn’t surrendered to the enemy.

I haven’t given up either. Even though some days the temptation is strong. I truly believe that God continues to heal, restore and redeem that which pornography and addiction destroyed in our lives and stole from our marriage. I’m awaiting the final victory. Just wishing we were waiting together.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

There’s No Taking Breaks From Recovery

I’ve been taking a break from reality and my daily routines. Turns out that hasn’t been a good thing for me. It didn’t begin as an intentional decision. I truly didn’t have any overwhelming burden from which I needed to escape. No additional disclosures from my sex addict husband. No relapses or significant triggering events. Just tiny choices made every day that have stalled my healing process and growth. The transformation into a healthy and confident woman the last four years as I broke free from the abusive and soul crushing effects of my husband’s porn addiction and intimacy anorexia fading. I can’t find the new and improved me as clearly these days as I could a few months ago. I miss her.

I’m tired. Weary. Discouraged. Avoiding conflict. Losing my energy. Letting my joy be stolen.

An addict must fight for their freedom every minute of every day. But so must an addict’s wife. It’s a different battle, but a battle just the same. And although I haven’t stopped wrestling with the barrage of negative thoughts and lies attempting to engulf me, my guardrails have shifted. In neglecting regular maintenance and reinforcement, my protective barriers aren’t withstanding the attacks against them like they used to.

Cracks can easily form in the comfortableness. Blemishes appear as the freshness settles. The strong foundation cultivated in recovery may seem to shake. But the steadfast rock of recovery and God’s Word remains firm and unwavering. The earth isn’t moving beneath me. God’s faithfulness remains unchanged. It is my knees that are wobbly, my arms weakened, my heart dull. And they don’t have to be.

It’s not a matter of oh, I’ll just have one drink, or another brownie, or allow my eyes to linger for a few seconds. The activities and behaviours I have been indulging in are not necessarily harmful or bad. But neither are they helpful or good. What they are is time wasters. Junk food for my soul and body. Lacking much needed nourishment to sustain and foster my personal and spiritual growth and healing.

I am on uneven ground. Dangerously close to falling into old unhealthy patterns. Perhaps it is a season of rest or testing for the next part of my journey. I have feebly used that justification to explain my immobility. But in this instance, it is only a poor excuse. Growth and healing doesn’t just happen in the stillness. Movement is still necessary on my part. And I’m pretty sure that choosing to watch another home improvement show rather than going for my evening prayer walk, or playing one more level of Word Cookies on my phone rather than reading recovery material, connecting with others, or engaging in true self care, will enhance my life in any meaningful way. It hasn’t. With every questionable yes I have made with my time and energy, I have said a solid no to something exceedingly more beneficial to my life, or to someone else’s.

And so here I am again. Still learning. But yes, learning. Recovery is a lifestyle. It has no end. Even after four years of tremendous personal healing and transformation, I can’t afford to take my eyes off the goal and final destination. Slow down and rest when needed, sure. But cease being intentional with the limited minutes of my day, no, no, no. Each one of them is a gift.

Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth.
Psalm 116:7-9

The Lingerie Store Revisited

There was a crazy lady Christmas shopping at the lingerie store again this year. At first glance she appeared rather ordinary. But the growing grief and hopelessness on her face, and dejection in her body as she walked slowly from one display to another, would have been apparent to anyone with a lingering gaze. Tears gathering in her eyes, she paused, but never touched. Size availability and price was irrelevant for something that would never leave the store in her shopping bag anyway.

Not much has changed since last December when I wrote The Porn Addict’s Wife Wears Lingerie (or tries to). It is my most read post, more likely because it contains the words porn, addict and lingerie, than people are interested in the bewildering emotions of a middle aged sexually broken woman. And yet there I was, and here I am again.

A lot can happen in a year. And a lot may not happen. Healing brings breakthroughs, and setbacks, and periods of rest and adjustment. Sometimes longer periods of rest than my anxious heart handles with patience and grace.

Last December, I entered that lingerie store with a twinkle in my eye. The winter and Christmas themed lingerie answering the longing in my heart for sexual lightness and fun in my marriage. But then. The fear of unknown triggers. I dejectedly left the store with that same unfulfilled desire, along with a deepened sense of loss wondering if my sexuality and healthy fantasies would be forever tainted by my husband’s past pornography addiction.

Last week was both the same and different as a year ago. I don’t even know why I entered the lingerie store other than to poke my finger into my own open wounds. I knew before I even crossed the threshold that I would not be making any purchases again this year. But maybe, just maybe, the merchandise could offer me a tiny flicker of hope where I had none. I wanted everything that the lingerie was selling me. Everything that was embodied in that magical piece of clothing.

I felt empty as I browsed the store. And then a profound sadness enveloped me. Even the cozy, fuzzy socks and cheerful penguins couldn’t bring a smile to my face. I wondered why, after another full year of healing and recovery, my response was as filled with grief and despair as if I had just returned the following day and not a year later.

I think my sadness was deeper this time though. A year ago, I was confused. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Still a little raw in figuring out how this whole healthy sexuality thing was supposed to work for my husband and I. But I believed it would work. It just wasn’t quite there yet….

Well, a year later, and the hammer of realization that not only was it not quite there yet, it didn’t seem any closer. It is hard to hold onto hope when you feel crushed. Defeated. Mocked by the lingerie displays and menacing penguins. So I didn’t. I plummeted.

But this is where the benefit of an additional year of recovery was revealed to me. I didn’t stay in that darkness long. I visited, but there was nothing for me in that place. It felt wrong and uncomfortable and self indulgent. And dishonouring to God.

I heard the whisper to my soul. Acknowledging the deep hurt and unfulfilled desires of my broken sexuality. If there was a promise of better things to come at that moment, I didn’t hear it. But the raging discontent in my mind and heart quieted.  And that was enough.

A couple days later, God’s whisper shouted to me from the pages of my devotional book as I read about the healing of emotional wounds. An illustration was provided where several shoelaces were tied together in a knot with each knot representing a different problem in my life. Unravelling the knots and smoothing out my troubles would require time and effort. It isn’t possible for the untangling to happen all at once. I need to remember that although it may seem that I am not making any progress, God is untying my knots one at a time. In the order and way He chooses. Not in mine. My responsibility is to co-operate with God in whatever area He has decided we are going to work on first. And sweatpants just might be more important than lingerie.

I’m impatient. I get discouraged. I whine about what is missing rather than being grateful for what has been redeemed and restored in our decades long sexless and porn ravaged marriage. I want our sexual intimacy healed yesterday. Or more honestly, years ago. But there is much bondage, abuse and sexual sin in this one shoelace alone, even once it has been disentangled from the messy ball of life’s other hurts and issues.

My solution would be to grab a pair of scissors and with a few precise snips remove the troublesome knots leaving a perfectly functioning bow in its place. And I would do that after only a few minutes of frustration. But that is not God’s way.

I know because God continues to carefully and slowly heal my wounds and align the desires of my heart with His. Whether I’m wearing flannel pyjamas, silky lingerie or nothing at all. He won’t quit. He never does. So, I guess I shouldn’t either.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9

Your Husband is a Porn Addict, or Maybe Not, and Why That Matters

I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend lately. A jamming together of puzzles pieces that don’t necessarily belong together. The variations of “Help! I found pornography on the computer and don’t know how to deal with my partner’s porn addiction.” I understand the shock and heartache of discovering your partner’s porn usage. I really and truly know that pain well. What troubles me is the immediate assumption and leap that evidence of porn use indicates the presence of an addiction.

Discovering the existence of pornography in your relationship is definitely a cause for concern that needs to be addressed with the user. I am absolutely not minimizing or denying the damage that pornography use inflicts upon the user, the partner or their relationship, or encouraging anyone else to do so. But I am questioning the growing belief, particularly in the Christian community, that viewing pornography equals an addiction.

I believe using pornography is destructive. What it may or may not be though, is an addiction. And I think, as the devastated partner, it is important to determine where on the spectrum your husband or wife falls so you know what you are dealing with. It is not a measure of your pain. It is not an indication of where your feelings of betrayal should or should not be. Pain is pain is pain. But it seems to me that it is possible that assigning a predetermined label to the issue without knowing the facts can add another level of pain that may be totally unnecessary and unhelpful to your well-being and the situation.

Personally, my mind easily jumps to worst case scenarios. This leads to needless anxiety, distress and fear. In seconds, the images or internet searches that shocked my brain have morphed into flashing lights in my driveway as police officers come to arrest my husband. A pregnant stranger appears at my door searching for him. He loses his job. I become homeless. My community shuns him, me, us. My life and future destroyed. I am hopeless, defeated, filled with despair. And I haven’t even taken my eyes off the screen or talked to my husband yet.

Sadly, and awfully, those scenarios do happen. But not always. So, instead of being convinced that your partner is a full blown sex addict and your marriage and life is beyond repair, take a deep breath and begin the process of finding out what you together, and alone, are up against. A curiosity. A bad habit. An early stage addiction. Or yes, an outright, big, fat, ugly pornography addiction.

The computer history will not likely provide a clear answer. And quite possibly, neither will your partner. But accusing your partner of being a porn addict may simply magnify the problem for both of you. If you are prematurely and carelessly slapping a porn addict label on your spouse, you have also affixed one to yourself. And that may be self-defeating to the care you so desperately need. Your perspective will have a significant influence on your personal healing as much as it will on your partner and marriage.

It is important to know if you are fighting to defeat the devastating effects of pornography, or of pornography and an addiction. Overcoming and recovering from an addiction is possible. The battle is not insurmountable. But it is a different battle than unlearning a bad habit and replacing it with healthier behaviour. For both of you. And that matters.

Guilt over one’s bad behaviour may be a motivator for change. But shame seldom is. If condemnation fills either of your hearts, there is no room for transformation and freedom. If either of you believes the bondage is greater than it is, quite possibly an attitude of hopelessness and despair will prevail. The message you feed yourself and your partner matters. Will it be the truth, or a lie that continues to destroy?

The invasion of pornography’s heavy darkness into your souls and relationship is destructive whether the pieces are still being put into place for an addiction, or it has progressed to a compulsive need. That really makes no difference. Wherever on the spectrum your partner may be, the revealing of pornography use is good news. Light is shining through and illuminating a very real problem with very deep consequences. You are being given an opportunity for yourself and your marriage to be healed and restored from damage that you may not have even knew existed. Or why it did.

Your heart has been shattered. Your soul ravaged. And none of it is your fault. There is no blame or responsibility for you to bear when your partner chooses to indulge their lust or medicate their pain with pornography.

Calling pornography use a bad habit or an addiction doesn’t change the depth of your pain or your ability to heal from it. But mislabeling it may magnify or minimize the issue and affect the path that you, your partner and your marriage will need to navigate for healing. And it is your path. Of light, hope and promise to not just hurt anymore, but to thrive.

I know it is possible. I have seen it. And I am living it.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

There’s a Porn Addict in My Church

I wonder what would happen if my forty something year old husband stood at the front of the church one Sunday morning and disclosed his past pornography addiction and the freedom he has received from it through the healing of God and his recovery program.

Would there be the same cheers that accompanied the announcement of the anniversary of another church member’s sobriety from alcohol? Would there be the same compassionate call to prayer as there was for another member who relapsed in their drug addiction after being sober for nearly a year?

Would there be the same acceptance that was given to the courageous teenager who recently shared how God had freed him at youth camp this summer from his struggle with pornography? I sat in church that morning, trying to interpret the reaction of the congregation, knowing that my perception was subjective, and not necessarily truth.

I was proud of that young man’s willingness and ability to boldly stand before the eyes staring back at him, not knowing exactly what those faces would display. I didn’t hear any horrified gasps, or coffee cups dropped in surprise. Neither was the room filled with an uncomfortable silence or an air of judgement.

My church family seemed to easily accept this admission. Perhaps because it was accompanied by a victory story and did not challenge them to do anything more than pat him on the back and say a few hallelujahs. Perhaps because this was a well-liked, good-looking, intelligent young man from a respected family involved in ministry in the church and community. Perhaps because he did not embody by age, appearance or status the preconceived idea of what a porn user or addict would look like. His testimony appeared to be non- threatening to most of the people who heard it. But it should have shaken everyone.

It made me uncomfortable. Not because I didn’t want to hear it. But because the smiling faces seemed oblivious to the accompanying message being presented to them. Statistically speaking, it is highly unlikely that young man and my husband were the only two people in that room battling the darkness and enslavement of pornography.

I was concerned for that young man. Freedom from pornography use or addiction is possible. But it takes work. Intentional steps need to be taken, a plan formed, to overcome the temptation and sin. God seldom heals a heart by an instant removal of the symptom, but rather provides a way to conquer it as He brings healing to the root issue. To me, the celebration of victory over sin by everyone that morning was blissfully deceitful in its ignorance. The real triumph was his desire to acknowledge and confront his bondage and to introduce the topic in church. That made me smile with hope, that unlike my husband, he will potentially be able to avoid years ensnared in the harmful effects of pornography.

My spirit remained unsettled. Feeling like our church family missed an opportunity. For this young man. For my husband. For me. And the others that are sitting in our pews wrestling with the damage caused by their own or a family member’s pornography use. A door was opened a crack. But no one knew what to do with it. Or wanted to open it wider. The responsibility given solely to his parents.  And now with each passing week, the splinter of light diminishes. The warning forgotten. Ignored. Denied.

But just because the monster has been returned to its hidden place in the darkness behind the stacked chairs in the basement crawlspace, doesn’t mean it won’t emerge again. The question is more likely to be when and who. Pornography destroys. All ages. Both men and women. In all social, economic and religious demographics. But it doesn’t have to. I would like to be ready for it next time. I would like my church to be prepared to fight and conquer. Be proactive rather than reactive. When the porn addiction of the twenty to ninety year old is confessed or exposed, it won’t be as easy to accept and dismiss. There will be consequences. People will squirm. God will convict some hearts and push others to their breaking points. I want to be a part of God’s combat team. To defeat the enemy, and to rebuild the broken lives and marriages.

Our pastor knows our story of brokenness and redemption. Of two lives and a marriage transformed. My husband and I have offered ourselves as mentors or resources should any other person or couple come to him for guidance through their own sexual betrayals and infidelity. In the past three and a half years, we have never even been asked for the name of our Christian sexual addictions recovery therapist. And that causes my heart to ache because I don’t believe the reason is that no one else in our church community is struggling or suffering. I believe the shame and stigma surrounding sexual sins and addiction is keeping them alone and silent in their pain.

There is a conflict in my heart. An overwhelming desire to loudly proclaim the proven hope and victory we have found through God’s amazing, redeeming, restorative, healing, saving, supernatural power. And then the balancing of the very real need to cautiously protect my husband and our family from the judgement and consequences of the broad misunderstanding of sex addiction.

The shame and stigma continues. Pornography use remains hidden. And sadly, so does the hope of healing when no one feels safe to talk about it. I want that to change. I want the porn addict to be able to celebrate their sobriety as freely as the alcoholic or drug addict.

I dream of that time. That’s all it really seems to be. A far away dream. But maybe if enough of us dare to dream it, we can open the door together and shine the light a little brighter.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16

I Hope I Never Stop Being Surprised

Today I am celebrating another victory. Of mine. In my journey to heal from the devastation and abuse inflicted by my husband’s sex addiction and intimacy anorexia. My husband might be celebrating too. Or maybe not. I don’t really know for sure. But it doesn’t really matter because although we were together, this part of our story is about me.

I felt eager anticipation for the weekend’s planned events. And excitement and joy as they unfolded. My heart was at peace. The usual clamor of my conflicting thoughts and beliefs still……

A couple of months ago, my husband purchased tickets for us to attend a concert in a nearby city. The show was scheduled for a Friday night, which meant there would be no work commitments for either of us the following day. My mind began dancing with the possibility of making the date a weekend getaway. Although we often go camping, we have never spent a weekend in a hotel being city tourists. The desire was stirring in my heart to go big on this one. But I was apprehensive to suggest the idea to my husband. In our old marriage, the proposal would have been entirely unreasonable and a long list of excuses provided for why it was impossible. My heart had been wounded so many times before by his unwillingness to spend time or money with me. I wasn’t worth it. Eventually I believed it and stopped pleading for his attention. But now. But now, my wishes kept bubbling to the surface. And I dared to hope that my husband would be a willing participant in a weekend getaway.

I fully expected my request to stay in a hotel after the concert and go to a spa the next day to require some persuasion. To my surprise, my husband responded positively with little hesitation. Nonetheless, I was proud of my accomplishment. I had acknowledged and placed enough value on something that my heart desired to gather the courage to risk conflict and rejection to ask for it.

My next success occurred the night of the concert as I fully allowed myself to relax in my husband’s presence, and feel and express appropriate emotions. I was excited. I was happy. That doesn’t happen often. I haven’t learned to entirely act and speak without caution. The fear of my husband’s disapproval and emotional abandonment still faintly lingers. But that night, I felt safe to be me. In a crowd of thousands, with my husband at my side, I enjoyed my own company.

The real breakthrough came the following day. And I didn’t even realize it until later that evening. Which is what made the victory that much more beautiful. It was natural. It required no mindfulness. It was just me unexpectedly, effortlessly and genuinely being a version of me that I had never met before.

We went to an outdoor thermal cycle spa. A place where we were both unfamiliar with proper etiquette and procedures. A place filled with other couples and women. Where I was required to wear a bathing suit. All day. A situation ripe for producing discontent, anxiety and fear in my heart.

But it didn’t. Not even one little bit for one little moment. Normally, I am distressed and highly self conscious every time I wiggle into a bathing suit. Admittedly, I am just as likely as any man to create a ranking of every female body in the vicinity. And of course, I lose more than I win. But somehow, I was completely comfortable with my body and paid no attention to its appearance or to anyone else’s. It was the first time I can recall knowing the freedom of personal body acceptance.

It was also effortless to control my thoughts and the need to see if, and where, my husband’s eyes were roaming. Every time I looked at him, it was because I wanted to look at him. And always his eyes were on me. Smiling.

I also felt a deeper contentment and connection with my husband that dissolved my tendency to compare our relationship to other ones. There was no longing in my heart to be more like them and less like us. The physical closeness and awareness of our bodies without any sexual pressure, hopes or discouragement was very sensual and created a unique physical and emotional intimacy that was new to both of us.

What I learned as my insecurities and hang ups melted away was that there is something much better waiting to fill that spot. Confidence. Courage. Adventure. Passion. Joy. Acceptance. Love. I found them all last weekend. Most notably in the cold water pool, after emerging from the sauna, with my hand covering my mouth so my gasps and screams wouldn’t violate the whispering only rule. It all felt incredibly daring and triumphant for someone (me!) who refuses to wear a bathing suit and go swimming at the beach in July.

My husband stood there grinning. Cheering on this new me. I wowed both of us. That’s what love can do. Our love. But most importantly, the love of our God who has more than restored our marriage. He has redeemed and rebuilt it beginning with the transformation and healing of the man and woman within it.

My husband is a new creation. But so am I. I have witnessed God’s relentless pursuit of my husband’s heart. As for me, God is mending bruises and fractures within my soul that I didn’t even know needed healing. My transformation looks different than his. But it is just as real. Just as astonishing. Just as beautiful.

Maybe one day I will stop being so surprised at what new thing God is doing in my life. But I hope not. ❤

Blessed is she that has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her. Luke 1:45


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Tag Archives: Games

The Broad Strokes Cooking Game

The Broad Strokes Cooking Game

For those of you who like short games (or just have five minutes to spare), the Broad Strokes Cooking Game is up on You’ve got family or friends visiting, and you want to cook something nice, like a risotto or some stew. You follow the on-screen instructions (simple things like Chop! or Stir!) and go through every step of making the recipe. The idea  is to make people feel more comfortable with the recipe after trying it a few times, since you’ll be carrying out every step (as opposed to cutting between various mini-game style steps, which doesn’t often feel as satisfying to me).

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Posted by on April 13, 2016 in News, Video Games

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Tea-Powered Games website up!

The website for Tea-Powered Games is up and running. For now, you can read a bit more about us as a company, and maybe sign up to the mailing list if you’re interested.

I’ve been spending most of my time doing work-related writing (it’s exciting to be able to call it work now!), but I should go back to posting more regularly, now that things feel a bit more settled.

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Posted by on March 28, 2014 in News

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You Wake up in a Room

The lady:              You wake up in a room—

George:               —Wait, who am I? What do I look like?

The lady:              You’re yourself. You look like you always do. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by on February 3, 2014 in Flash Fiction

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Introducing Tea-Powered Games

For the past few months, I’ve been keeping busy with a couple of different writing projects. I published A Sincere Attempt at Writing Tales of Moran in May, wrote a few short stories, and then stuck to flash fiction on a weekly basis. I would love to have more than 200 words per week for you, but at the moment I have two writing projects going on that are demanding more of my attention.

The first is a fantasy novel/la that I’ve been planning for the past two months or so. I’m still in the ‘iron out characters, setting and plot’ stage, so there’s still a lot of work to be done. All I can say at the moment is that the goal is a story (novel or novella depending on how long it ends up being) with multiple main characters, and a fantasy world that contains magic, but has many similarities to our present-day world – no medieval fantasy here. Although if you happen to be in the mood for some right now, feel free to go on a diversion and come back in a bit.

The second and most important reason is that Destina (from Turn Based Living) and I have formed our own games company, Tea-Powered Games (website to come in the near future). Yes, I had no small hand in choosing the name. And I am a bit obsessed with tea. Anyway, as a budding writer and game designer, we’re aiming for games with a strong link between narrative and mechanics, and aiming to have our first major game released within 18 months. Now that we have an artist and a programmer on board, we will be working on this full-time (or in my case, since I have an unrelated full-time job for another few months, I will spend every moment I’m not working or writing the novel/la on this).

Not that this is an excuse for not posting more on my blog, but hopefully the idea of a relatable fantasy story and a story heavy game (dialogue is the main mechanic!) will be something to look forward to. I might also try posting a few excerpts from the fantasy novel/la to tide you over, but with big disclaimers that everything is likely to change dramatically for the final version.

In the meantime, thanks for stopping by every now and again, and hope you enjoy your stay!

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Posted by on August 21, 2013 in News

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DipTrace x64 / x86 Full Free

DipTrace x64 / x86 Full Free

DipTrace software is a schematic capture software and quality PCB design for designing simple or complex multi-layer boards from schematic to file can be provided for construction.

After a few hours of working with this program, you can produce simple boards and gradually increase your skill for designing complex boards. Use simple features for simple boards and advanced features for complex boards.

You can increase the design possibilities by using additional program modules. You can learn the different steps of board design using the program guide that comes with the program.

Features and specifications of DipTrace software :

– Fast learning of the user interface due to its simplicity

– Hierarchical and multi-page schematics

– Shape-based and high-speed routing

– Intelligent manual routing tools

– Extensive Export and Import capabilities

– Schematic interaction and PCB design

– Advanced validation using instant DRC

– 3D preview of PCB and STEP extraction

– Build output

Modules available in the software :

Schematic Capture: Advanced schematic tool with support for multi-page and hierarchical multilevel design, electrical rule testing, and hierarchical validation from start to finish

PCB Layout: High-quality board design tools in a software environment, intelligent location, and routing tools. Instant RDC and on-the-job troubleshooting to increase the quality of project evolution

Library Creation: An intermodal library management system with template and component editor and import from outside the DipTrace environment

3D Modeling: Works as part of PCB Layout and Pattern Editor and allows you to preview the designed board in any part of the design process. Possibility of extraction in the form of mechanical CADs. Having more than 3500 3D models

See Also:

Twinmotion 2021.1 Windows / 2019 macOS Free

iThoughts 5.25 + Portable / 5.28 macOS Free Download

Autodesk Structural Bridge Design 2022 x86 / x64

MedCalc 20.009 x86 / x64 for biomedical research

GraphPad Prism Windows x64 / 9.1.1 macOS

required system

(Windows XP / Vista / 7/8 / 8.1 / 10 (32, 64-bit

1GHz Pentium III processor or equivalent

1.5Gb hard disk space

1024 × 768 screen resolution or higher

OpenGL / DirectX 9.0 or higher

Installation guide

After installation, copy the file in the Crack folder to the program installation location and register the program with the information in the Readme file.

The software looks like a trial, but there are no restrictions.

download link

Download DipTrace x64
Download DipTrace x86
Download 3D Libraries Latest Version
Download DipTrace 3.1 macOS
file password link
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Me, Too, Python Magazine!

Thankfully, Brian Jones has finally went public with the Python Magazine he is launching. Why am I so thankful for this? I can talk about it now, and how I'm a technical editor, columnist, and will most likely author an article some issues aside from the column. The working title for my column is "And Now For Something Completely Different" and I think I will stick with that.

It is all very exciting. Being a huge fan of education of and through Python, the magazine is really fantastic in my eyes. Whatever I can do to help it along and turn it into a positive move for the community is worth the effort.

Keep your eyes out here for a surprise about the magazine before the first issue comes out.

See his original post:
Python Magazine Lives

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IAB’s Video Ad Innovation Survey 2018 finds 88% of publishers, 77% of brands/agencies, and 76% of ad tech vendors currently pursuing video ad innovation.

IAB’s Video Creative Innovation Whitepaper can be downloaded from here.

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Lenovo HW01
- Smartwatches

Lenovo HW01 – A simple and affordable smarttacker

Lenovo is a great company. They make a lot of products and for what I know, the products are pretty good! I own a laptop and a smartphone (Lenovo P2) and I couldn’t be happier with them. The new addition to the Lenovo family is the Lenovo HW01. A simple and affordable smarttracker. But is this smarttracker able to compete with the rest? There are numerous cheap smarttrackers, like the Xiaomi Mi Band 2 or the No.1 F3 for example. But maybe Lenovo put in some of their magic…

Lenovo HW01

I love the Xiaomi Mi Band 2 (and hoping they will release the Mi Band 3 soon). I will compair the results with the Xiaomi Mi Band 2 for now. Later I will also include the results of the No.1 F3 smartwatch which should arrive this week. Lenovo is already standing out with the price, under 20 Euro’s you can get yourself the Lenovo HW01, but is it worth it?

You can find the YouTube review here!

Introduction and Specs

The specs of the Lenovo HW01 are good, but not outstanding. They will get you the information you want, but I think they are a little behind if we compare it with the Xiaomi Mi Band 2. But maybe the preformance are way better. I’m not saying that the specs are bad, they will get your heartrate, steps taken and sleep hours, which is all I want to know.

  • Bluetooth Version: Bluetooth 4.2
  • Waterproof: Yes
  • IP rating: IP65

  • Notification: Yes
  • Alert type: Vibration
  • Notifications: Phone calls and messaging
  • Health tracker: Heart rate monitor,Pedometer,Sedentary reminder,Sleep monitor
  • Remote control function: Remote Camera,Remote music
  • Compatible OS: Android,IOS
  • Compatability: Android 4.4 / iOS 8.0 and above systems
  • Available Color: Black,Red

  • Screen: OLED
  • Screen resolution: 128 x 32
  • Screen size: 0.91 inch
  • Operating mode: Touch Screen
  • Shape of the dial: Rectangle

  • Type of battery: Lithium-ion polymer battery
  • Battery Capacity: 85mAh
  • Standby time: 7 days

  • Case material: ABS
  • Band material: Silicone
    Weight and Size

  • Dial size: 4 x 1.2 x 1 cm
  • Band size: 23.5 x 1.2 cm
  • Product size (L x W x H): 23.50 x 1.20 x 1.00 cm
  • Package size (L x W x H): 10.20 x 5.50 x 7.00 cm
  • Product weight: 0.0220 kg
  • Package weight: 0.1200 kg

You can use the Lenovo HW01 with your Apple iPhone or with an Android device. That is no problem at all. The battery should last you a week, which I think is the minimal a simple smarttracker should last. The size of the watch is great, it is not to big or bulky, even if you have to wear it with a suit, it doesn’t really stand out.

right now I’m using the Lenovo HW01 with my Xiaomi Mi Band 2 (at the same time) and it works really well! It let me see what I want and the software with it looks great, but later more about the software!

The box itself looks simple and elegant. It looks a bit like the box from the bluboo s8. Inside the box is nothing more then normal. You first see the Lenovo HW01, it is in a small bag to protect it. If you remove the Lenovo HW01, you will find 2 small papers with information about the product and some information about the warranty. Luckily for us, it is available in English!

Lenovo HW01 hardware

The Lenovo HW01 is not the biggest smarttracker there is, but there is enough to talk about!

Lenovo HW01 Front

As you can see at the back there is the heartrate monitor, which is in the same position is almost all smarttrackers. Xiaomi, Apple, Sony, everybody has the same spot for the heartrate monitor. Lenovo has a different way of charging the HW01, which I don’t like at all. Above the logo there is a small plug that you have to open to charge it. First of all it is not easy to open, second if it breaks the Lenovo HW01 is not waterproof anymore and last but not least it is just a weird way of charging it. If we compare this with Xiaomi or the Apple Watch, those are way more user friendly to charge. I think Lenovo missed it there and should have implented a different way of charging it.

The display is nice in size, it shows all the information you want in just a glimp. You can see the time, the date and the battery level when you “unlock” the display. The more information on the first screen, the better, right? Now you don’t have to touch the display multiple times to get the information you want, which is the case with the Xiaomi Mi Band 2. There is also a downside of the bigger display, the battery. It will drain the battery faster if the display is bigger ofcourse. But, even with the bigger display, the runtime is still around a week. Which, for me, the minimum what a smarttracker (with basic features) should last.

How does it feel?

The band feels really nice, it is made out of silicone. It does not hurt the skin when you move it on your arm and leave a red mark. The way the band closes, like a classic watch, is really good. I prefer this methode over the Xiaomi Mi Band 2 way. This is a really good feature of the product, it just fits and feels good on your arm.

Software (App)

There is a special app where you can see all the information. The app, Lenovo Health, looks good. It is simple but all the information is shown clear and clean. You can enable or disable some features of the Lenovo HW01 (all those features are listed below). This will make it a really personal device. Do you listen to music a lot? Enable “Music Control”. Don’t want the heart rate monitor? Disable it! Really make it your own and get the information you want and control everything you need and want.

The Lenovo HW01 has some great features as you can see on the picture above. It will do everything you expect form a smarttracker. For this price and brand it is an really good smarttracker which has a lot to offer for the basic user.

It will track the steps you take each day. Automatically calculte the calories burned and the distance coved with it. When you are sleeping, it will show you your deep sleep, your light sleep and time awake and ofcourse the total hours of sleep you got. When you want to know your heartrate, you can start it by going to the heartrate screen on the Lenovo HW01 and it will start in 3 seconds.

I’m currently wearing the Xiaomi Mi Band 2 and the Lenovo HW01 to compare the results, but I noticed that the Lenovo HW01 didn’t get my sleep for 2 days in a row while the Xiaomi registered the sleep like it should. This could be an incident ofcourse, but it is weird that it happens 2 days in a row.

When you go out for a run, you can start an activity tracker on the smarttracker itself. If you hold down the “button” for 3-5 seconds, it will come with a menu where you can navigate with the touch of the “button”. If you select the running man, it will start the activity. Easy to start when you are outside and ready to start a run.

Lenovo HW01 Quickstart

In the settings of the App, Lenovo Health, you can also enable some really cool features. (This will cost you battery life!) For example you can enable: Control music, Find Phone, Anti-lost, Rise to wake, Heart rate monitor, Smart reminders (for calls, SMS or WhatsApp), Sedentary reminders (if there is no activity, the Lenovo HW01 will vibrate), take photo, locate band and set an Alarm.

This shows, that the Lenovo HW01 has a rich feature set, but it will drain the battery! Then you might last for 4-5 days if everything is enabled.

If we have to believe the specs, the Lenovo HW01 should be waterproof. Normally I would test it and show the results but due to the poor choose of the charging port, I decided not to test it. I think it is too risky and try it. I don’t want to destroy the device.

I won’t advice anyone with the Lenovo HW01 to test the waterproof abilities.

The battery life, as mentioned before, is the minimum I expect from a basic smarttracker. It will last around a week, if the continuous heartrate monitor function is disabled. This is acceptable, but I expected a basic smarttracker to last longer then this. For example the Xiaomi Mi Band 2 is lasting around a month with the same features.

With my settings, heartrate monitor disabled, I’m able to last a week with the battery.

The Lenovo HW01 is a great smarttracker IF you want to know the basic information like sleep monitoring, steps taken, calories burned and distance covered. There are other models where you can change the functions like pausing the music or editing the looks. If you just want to know the information, this product is great.

It will take a week before you need to charge it and in the meantime it will measure all the details you care about. The Lenovo HW01 looks great and feels good on your skin. For the price, 25 Euro, it is a real bargain.

Want to read more information about SmartWatches? Reviews.com did some really interesting research on SmartWatches, which you can read here: Click!

Lenovo HW01

Software (App)

  • Features
  • Materials used
  • Software

  • Battery
  • Not customizable

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The employees I originally hired to handle certain aspects of my life are out of control. Drunk with the power I have given them, they have decided that they know better than I how to arrange my life. And there's not much I can do.

While I was busy living my life, my employees seem to have put certain rules in place which make it almost impossible for me to fire them. I wasn't aware of most of these new rules. My fault. I had just assumed the media would inform me if they crossed the line. They didn't. Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention.

My employees grandly refer to themselves as public servants, giving one and all the false impression that they are sacrificing everything in order to work on my behalf. Cushy jobs, access to power and money, enjoying unearned respect and complete lack of accountability are just some of the sacrifices they must endure.

Now, my employees are on a massive spending spree with my credit card, piling up charges that I have no way of paying. ($38,000 to date that I'm liable for.) Not only that, but they just got the limit on my credit card increased! I take small solace from the fact that all my neighbors are undergoing a similar experience.

In essence, my employees have become my boss.

My 'public servants' are insisting that I now play by their rules. Somehow they managed to put mechanisms in place (without my knowledge or agreement) that virtually force me to pay my hard earned money to hire more employees, whose sole purpose is to take ever more control and wealth away from me.

When I first hired these guys, I gave them very clear guidelines as to what they could and could not do. (For leftists, its called the Constitution.) I did this so I could be free to focus on building a business, raising a family and utilizing my God given gifts in a way I saw fit.

To that end, I engaged these guys to keep me safe and provide certain essential services, like security, fire, water, utilities and such. At no time did I ever agree to let them decide the rules under which they now operate. In fact, under my original agreement with them, certain things that they are doing now, were expressly denied to them. (Leftist readers, please refer to the Tenth Amendment.)

Just last week, I saw one of my employees on the evening news. He was getting an award. I found out the award was for a donation he made with my money, and adding insult to injury, it was for a cause I actively oppose. When I asked him about it, he sneered down from the moral perch my money bought him and called me, get this, selfish! Aargh...

I don't know what I've done that makes my employees treat me in this disrespectful fashion. After all, I made sure they were very well paid. Hey, I even gave them a better health plan and much more generous pension than I have. I gave them my hard earned money to travel the world in private jets and dine at fine restaurants. On my tab. Meanwhile, I make do with a 7 year-old SUV which, by the way, they're now telling me is immoral for me to drive.

Using my name, my employees have fashioned a brave new world. They claim it is based on what they call our 'living constitution,' which means whatever they want it to mean. (For leftists, that means it means nothing.) It allows them to purchase morality, virtue and media accolades by appropriating and spending someone else's money.

It allows them to use my money in furtherance of a ludicrous and illogical quest to remake reality to their specifications. It allows them to redefine words, change rules, ignore tradition, and totally restructure our whole system of governance. Without my permission.

With 20/20 hindsight, I now understand some lessons from history I was never taught in government schools: When you endow someone with unearned wealth, it will soon become their 'right.' When you appease tyrants, you only get more tyranny. And the only power tyrants have is that relinquished by their victims.

And finally, that voting for power-hungry and amoral charlatans based on spin instead of substance means we all have a very good chance of losing the liberty and freedoms so many Americans fought and died for. Happy New Year.

Nancy Morgan is a columnist and news editor for RightBias.com
She lives in South Carolina

Tags: Bureaucrats, correctness, fraud, political

Views: 8

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Is this your news column for today or a blog? Please explain to the Leftists.
I leave it to leftists to apply their own definition - they will anyway
Excellent!! Well done! Bravo!!
Get this, MY employees tell me that I can't have the same basic civil rights,liberties and freedoms that they do!! My employees can openly discriminate against me in the workplace and housing.My employees can pass hateful and mean bills to keep me from marrying and even adopting children!! Isn't that crazy?
What a bunch of meanies. Wow!
I know..no $$$$$$$$'s involved in that so it really doesn't matter, right?
Your'e right Nancy - as soon as we adopt socialism we will be better off economically and more secure in our freedoms. If you are truly concerned about our loss of liberty donate to the IndictBushNow.org movement. The IndictBushNow movement is a campaign to oppose domestic spying, mass surveillance and data collection on the people of the United States.

Oh, and get rid of that SUV.
excellent writing Nancy. No real facts and a very bad memory but well written.
Absolutely true Nancy, change the date to oh, say 7 years ago, and it could have been written by 'libs' complaining about Bush's subversion of the constitution and the engagement of two illegal ( via the Geneva Convention ) wars. Except your SUV would be newer. :-)
Ms Morgan;
I believe you have overlooked a small detail. We are all partners in this corporation. At this point in time I believe you are a minority partner, it seems we had an election last year and changed the makeup of the board of directors as is our perogative every two and four years.
One thing I don't understand is why one division of our board finds a two thirds majority necessary to enact our wishes. That is nowhere to be found in our bylaws.
You cited one amendendment, however there are several articles in the bylaws which may cover what you are speaking to, Mainly article 1 section 8 the commerce and general welfare clause, so there maybe some disagreement and I feel that the corporations Supreme Arbitors may have to end up making that discision.
Sounds a lot like the political machinations of this country. It doesn't matter who you voted for, they don't "govern" this country anyway. Just sit back and relax. The Council on Foreign Relations and The Trilateral Commission have taken care of everything. They know better what's for us than those we have "elected" to save us from ourselves as they have their people in all the right places. The judicial, legislative and executive branches of our government are now under their watchful eye. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming...
I think it's OCND in disguise Maria . . . didn't OCND post this ramble in one of her inimitable anti Obama blogs a while back? It's been bandied about on the net. "Hellooooooooooooooooo" Morgan seems to feel the need to slap us in the face with her "intelligencia" (sic.) here, there, and everywhere. At least OCND keeps her rants to her blogs. Perhaps they are best friends? Goodness knows they are singing from the same hymn sheet.

Yawn . . . as though it's ALL our current President's fault after one measly year in office, grappling with the rape and pillage of the former administrations, coming to a head in 1980 with the advent of Nancy Reagan's Astrologers, expensive china place settings and French haute couture cloths. America - this mess started a long (long) time ago.

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Bharti Telecom seeks Rs 4,900 crore FDI nod; infusion to make Airtel foreign firm

Bharti Telecom holds around 41 per cent stake in Bharti Airtel while foreign promoter entities hold 21.46 %.

NEW DELHI: Bharti Telecom, a promoter of Bharti Airtel, has sought government nod for the infusion of Rs 4,900 crore investment from Singapore-based Singtel and other foreign entities, a move that would make the country's oldest private telecom operator a foreign entity.

The fund infusion will enhance foreign stakeholding in Bharti Telecom to over 50 per cent that will make it a foreign-owned entity, an official source aware of the development told PTI. Sunil Bharti Mittal and his family own around 52 per cent stake in Bharti Telecom, at present.

Bharti Telecom holds around 41 per cent stake in Bharti Airtel while foreign promoter entities hold 21.46 per cent stake in the telecom firm. Public shareholders have around 37 per cent stake in the company.

"Bharti Telecom has applied for infusion of Rs 4,900 crore in the company which includes investments from Singtel and some other foreign investors. With this Bharti Telecom will become a foreign entity as majority stake will be held by overseas investors. DoT is expected to approve this investment this month," the source said.

The Department of Telecom had earlier this year rejected Bharti Airtel's FDI application as the company had not provided clarity on the foreign investor.

Total foreign shareholding is 43 per cent in Bharti Airtel, at present. With promoter firm Bharti Telecom becoming a foreign entity, foreign shareholding in the company will cross 84 per cent, the source said. Bharti Airtel has already been in discussion with Singtel and other entities for fund infusion.

The company in August had informed stock exchanges that Bharti Telecom in order to retire some debt may seek equity from its existing promoter group which may include overseas entity and Singtel in proportionate to its holding.

Bharti Airtel has said that even a marginal increase in foreign equity would take the foreign investment in Bharti Telecom above 50 per cent making it a foreign owned entity.

Bharti Airtel has already applied to raise FDI limit to 100 per cent in the company.

Bharti Airtel board last week approved a proposal to raise USD 3 billion through QIP, stake sale and debt papers as the company owes AGR dues of Rs 43,000 crore to the government.

The company will launch one or more QIPs or offer for sale of equity shares or a combination of similar offers to raise USD 2 billion. Rest USD 1 billion will be raised through debentures and bonds.

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Vodafone Idea: Everything to know about India's ailing private telco

  • 1 of 10
    Vodafone and Idea before their amalgamation

    UK's Vodafone Group Plc. entered India in 2007 after it bought a majority stake in Hutchison Essar, erstwhile Hutchison Max Telecom Ltd (HMTL). While Idea was incorporated in the year 1995 with the name Birla Communications Ltd. The company came to be named as Idea Cellular Ltd in the year 2002. Subsequently in 2006 it became a part of the Aditya Birla Group.

  • 2 of 10
    Industry structure prior to Reliance Jio’s entry

    Prior to Jio’s entry into the market until 2016, India had more than 10 wireless providers. However, Jio’s disruption resulted in industry consolidation which eventually shrunk into three major private players with Jio, Bharti Airtel and Vodafone Idea (after Vodafone India and Idea merged amid brutal price competition) and two state run operators BSNL and MTNL. Operators like Anil Ambani's Reliance Communications, Tata Teleservices, Aircel, Telenor, Sistema and Videocon exited the industry over the last four years; some went bankrupt and rest merged or taken over by other entities.

  • 3 of 10
    Vodafone and Idea merged to bat against Jio’s dominance

    Jio with its dirt cheap tariff plans single handedly compelled the incumbents to cut down their data and call tariff rates in order to survive the onslaught. This disruption initiated the gradual revenue erosion and falling subscriber counts of the rival telcos with small players completely thrown out of the market. The merger of the two giants was seen as a strategic response to withstand the headwinds the new entrant had created. It was completed on 31 August 2018 and the combined entity became the largest telecom company in India by subscribers and revenue.

  • 4 of 10
    Number crunch post Jio’s entry in 2016

    The trail of dwindling revenues and losses had already started after 2016 for the surviving players post Mukesh Ambani owned Jio’s entry.

    Vodafone Idea Ltd (Idea): In its 2017-18 annual report, the telco reported a decline of 20.2% in its total revenues over the previous year (FY17) on a consolidated basis. The EBITDA figure reflected a decrease of 39.3% year-on-year and the consolidated net loss stood at Rs 41,682 million vis-à-vis Rs 3,997 million for the previous year (FY17).

    Airtel: During the same period (FY 17-18), Airtel recorded a 12.3% fall in its revenues over the last year (FY17) while net profit for the year declined by 48.5% year-on-year. The grim position that these numbers indicated had ostensibly been due to a combination of factors like TRAI’s slashing of IUC rates in September 2017, high spectrum costs in addition to the Jio effect. Further, falling subscriber counts continued as customers ported to Jio’s network which offered almost zero payment services. Of private operators, Vodafone Idea has seen the biggest subscribers' loss over the past year. The telco has lost almost 60 million subscribers between September 2018 and August 2019 while Airtel lost just 15.77 million with Jio gaining nearly 96 million in the same period.

  • 5 of 10
    Vodafone Idea (VIL)’s current dire state

    The recent Supreme Court order that ruled in favour of DoT on its interpretation of AGR asking the industry to pay dues as high as Rs 1.47 lakh cr with VIL to pay an estimated over Rs 53,000 crore which could deal the final knockout blow to the already battered telco. The company having clocked consecutive losses in all quarters since its merger announcement in 2017 reported the highest ever corporate loss in the country at Rs 50,922 cr in Q2 of the current financial year which is over 10 times higher than that of the previous quarter. The mammoth amount came as a result of making room for AGR provisioning of Rs 25,680 cr in relation to the additional statutory dues following the apex court ‘s order.

    Its rival Airtel too listed massive net losses of Rs 23,045 cr in the same quarter- highest ever during its entire tenure on the back of provisioning for its dues in line with Supreme Court’s order. It made an overall provisioning of Rs28,450 crore.Mukesh Ambani-led Jio, which stands better than the incumbents, posted net profits of Rs 990 cr in the September quarter.

  • 6 of 10
    What does the telco’s financial statements indicate?

    The telco sitting on a debt pile of Rs 1.02 lakh cr with its reserves and surplus account completely eroded by a net loss of Rs 55,795.8 cr in the first half of FY20 is in a precarious state. Its reserve account stands at a negative Rs 4,666.8 cr as on September 2019 dissolved by almost 90% as it stood at Rs 50,899.2 cr as on March 2019. As a result, the company’s total equity (reserves, surplus and equity capital) has shrunk to Rs 24,068 cr compared to Rs 59,634.8 cr in the previous fiscal- almost 60% value erosion. In Q2, the company’s loss is roughly five times its consolidated revenue from operations, which fell to ₹10,844 cr- a 3.8% decline from the previous quarter. Additionally, its net debt to EBITDA ratio is at 31x, and accounting for dues being funded via debt is expected to raise it to 38x. This according to experts could cause a credit rating downgrade, which could hit the company’s ability to raise additional debt. However, Bharti Airtel reported improvement in its operations and operating profit with a consolidated revenue of Rs 21,131 crore for the quarter- 2% QoQ increase. Analysts thus contend that Airtel has escaped a bankruptcy situation for now and stands in a better position to pay dues than Vodafone Idea.

  • 7 of 10
    No relief from the top leadership

    With both Bharti Airtel and Vodafone Idea having expressed doubts over their ability to continue as ‘going concerns’ unless the government lends a helping hand, the latter going in for liquidation could be a possibility .Naveen Kulkarni, research head at Reliance Securities said he doesn’t see VIL surviving if no relief is forthcoming from the government. Apprehensions over the telco’s future come against the backdrop of Vodafone Group’s global CEO Nick Read and Aditya Birla Group’s indication that they won’t infuse any further equity into VIL with the UK parent having written down the value of its joint venture with the latter to zero

  • 8 of 10
    CoS set up to provide relief disbanded

    The Cabinet headed by the Prime Minister on November 20 gave some respite to the beleaguered sector as it decided to defer receipts of spectrum auction instalments due from the operators for the years 2020-21 and 2021-2022. But the CoS that had been set up to devise a relief plan for the sector has been disbanded, according to a government official, hinting at no further aid coming for the industry. The moratorium as contended by industry analysts will bring immediate relief to the near term liquidity woes of the telcos. However the move will not be improving VIL’s balance sheet leverage which stood at 20x (net-debt-to-EBITDA) as of Sept 2019, according to Goldman Sachs.The two-year moratorium can potentially save VIL and Airtel about Rs 23,400 cr and Rs14,200 respectively over this period, said the firm. Fitch, however, believes that the decision by all three private companies to raise tariffs from December 2019 and the recent deferment relief on payment of spectrum dues are positive for the industry but are unlikely to be sufficient to offset the impact of the AGR judgement for the incumbents.

  • 9 of 10
    Vodafone Idea striving to survive: SC petition, tariff hikes, tax refunds

    VIL in view of its tight situation has taken a number of measures including seeking about Rs 7,000 crore in tax refunds for past years from IT dept, announcing a price tariff hike from December 2019 and filing review petition in SC for a review of payouts in penalties and interest on dues. VIL and Airtel announced that they would increase tariffs in December, the first price hike in more than three years in a bid to increase their revenue and operating income. Jio and state operator BSNL also followed suit as they announced hiking tariffs from December on similar lines. VIL in its petition on November 22, along with a review of the penalty amount also sought to have a relook at the amounts attributed to notional revenue.Bharti Airtel and Tata Teleservices also filed review petitions separately in the SC on the same day. Additionally, MD and CEO, Ravinder Takkar has said that the telco apart from seeking relief from the state is also exploring ways to monetise its data centre assets and 1,60,000 kms of intra/inter-city fibre to gain financial flexibility amid the delay in its Indus-Bharti Infratel merger closure, which has also held up monetisation of VIL’s 11.15% stake in Indus.

  • 10 of 10
    Impact of Vodafone’s fallout on other sectors

    The operator’s fallout is likely to be significant on the saddled banking sector if the telco ends up in NCLT as it holds significant exposure to the player as well as the sector. As per RBI data, banks have a Rs 1.15 lakh crore exposure to telecommunications as of September 2019, up 25% from Rs 91,946 crore a year ago. VIL’s top management has cautioned lenders that timely repayments may not be possible without the government’s intervention in case DoT decides to invoke bank guarantees issued by lenders to recover dues in the next three months. The lender suit which includes state run majors like PNB and BoB is led by State Bank of India (SBI) with an exposure of Rs 11,200 crore, according to the brokerage firm Jefferies. Among private sector banks, IndusInd, ICICI and HDFC are running exposures of Rs 3,000 cr, Rs 1,700 cr and Rs 500 crore, respectively. In addition to banks, some debt schemes are also running high risks with an estimated Rs 2,023 crore worth of the telco’s debt.

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8 June 2017 archive

Obituary: Jill Singer

Jill Singer, award-winning journalist and former host of Today Tonight, has died at the age of 60. She was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder earlier this year. Singer’s career began at ABC radio in 1984, working her way up to television to a reporting role for The 7.30 Report and as producer of breakfast program First …

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