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Everything I know about Python...

Learn to Write Pythonic Code!

Check out the book Writing Idiomatic Python!

Looking for Python Tutoring? Remote and local (NYC) slots still available! Email me at jeff@jeffknupp.com for more info.

Drastically Improve Your Python: Understanding Python's Execution Model

Those new to Python are often surprised by the behavior of their own code. They expect A but, seemingly for no reason, B happens instead. The root cause of many of these "surprises" is confusion about the Python execution model. It's the sort of thing that, if it's explained to you once, a number of Python concepts that seemed hazy before become crystal clear. It's also really difficult to just "figure out" on your own, as it requires a fundamental shift in thinking about core language concepts like variables, objects, and functions.

In this post, I'll help you understand what's happening behind the scenes when you do common things like creating a variable or calling a function. As a result, you'll write cleaner, more comprehensible code. You'll also become a better (and faster) code reader. All that's necessary is to forget everything you know about programming...

"Everything is an object?"

When most people first hear that in Python, "everything is an object", it triggers flashbacks to languages like Java where everything the user writes is encapsulated in an object. Others assume this means that in the implementation of the Python interpreter, everything is implemented as objects. The first interpretation is wrong; the second is true but not particularly interesting (for our purposes). What the phrase actually refers to is the fact that all "things", be they values, classes, functions, object instances (obviously), and almost every other language construct is conceptually an object.

What does it mean for everything to be an object? It means all of the "things" mentioned above have all the properties we usually associate with objects (in the object oriented sense); types have member functions, functions have attributes, modules can be passed as arguments, etc. And it has important implications with regards to how assignment in Python works.

A feature of the Python interpreter that often confuses beginners is what happens when print() is called on a "variable" assigned to a user-defined object (I'll explain the quotes in a second). With built-in types, a proper value is usually printed, like when calling print() on strings and ints. For simple, user-defined classes, though, the interpreter spits out some odd looking string like:

>>> class Foo(): pass
>>> foo = Foo()
>>> print(foo)
<__main__.Foo object at 0xd3adb33f>

print() is supposed to print the value of a "variable", right? So why is it printing that garbage?

To answer that, we need to understand what foo actually represents in Python. Most other languages would call it a variable. Indeed, many Python articles would refer to foo as a variable, but really only as a shorthand notation.

In languages like C, foo represents storage for "stuff". If we wrote

int foo = 42;

it would be correct to say that the integer variable foo contained the value 42. That is, variables are a sort of container for values.

And now for something completely different...

In Python, this isn't the case. When we say:

>>> foo = Foo()

it would be wrong to say that foo "contained" a Foo object. Rather, foo is a name with a binding to the object created by Foo(). The portion of the right hand side of the equals sign creates an object. Assigning foo to that object merely says "I want to be able to refer to this object as foo." Instead of variables (in the classic sense), Python has names and bindings.

So when we printed foo earlier, what the interpreter was showing us was the address in memory where the object that foo is bound to is stored. This isn't as useless as it sounds. If you're in the interpreter and want to see if two names are bound to the same object, you can do a quick-and-dirty check by printing them and comparing the addresses. If they match, they're bound to the same object; if not, their bound to different objects. Of course, the idiomatic way to check if two names are bound to the same object is to use is

If we continued our example and wrote

>>> baz = foo

we should read this as "Bind the name baz to the same object foo is bound to (whatever that may be)." It should be clear, then why the following happens

 >>> baz.some_attribute
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "<stdin>", line 1, in <module>
AttributeError: 'Foo' object has no attribute 'some_attribute'
>>> foo.some_attribute = 'set from foo'
>>> baz.some_attribute
'set from foo'

Changing the object in some way using foo will also be reflected in baz: they are both bound to the same underlying object.

What's in a name...

names in Python are not unlike names in the real world. If my wife calls me "Jeff", my dad calls me "Jeffrey", and my boss calls me "Idiot", it doesn't fundamentally change me. If my boss decides to call me "Captain Programming," great, but it still hasn't changed anything about me. It does mean, however, that if my wife kills "Jeff" (and who could blame her), "Captain Programming" is also dead. Likewise, in Python binding a name to an object doesn't change it. Changing some property of the object, however, will be reflected in all other names bound to that object.

Everything really is an object. I swear.

Here, a questions arises: How do we know that the thing on the right hand side of the equals sign will always be an object we can bind a name to? What about

>>> foo = 10

>>> foo = "Hello World!"

Now is when "everything is an object" pays off. Anything you can (legally) place on the right hand side of the equals sign is (or creates) an object in Python. Both 10 and Hello World are objects. Don't believe me? Check for yourself

>>> foo = 10
>>> print(foo.__add__)
<method-wrapper '__add__' of int object at 0x8502c0>

If 10 was actually just the number '10', it probably wouldn't have an __add__ attribute (or any attributes at all).

In fact, we can see all the attributes 10 has using the dir() function:

>>> dir(10)
['__abs__', '__add__', '__and__', '__class__', '__cmp__', '__coerce__', '__delattr__',
'__div__', '__divmod__', '__doc__', '__float__', '__floordiv__', '__format__',
'__getattribute__', '__getnewargs__', '__hash__', '__hex__', '__index__',
'__init__', '__int__', '__invert__', '__long__', '__lshift__', '__mod__',
'__mul__', '__neg__', '__new__', '__nonzero__', '__oct__', '__or__',
'__pos__', '__pow__', '__radd__', '__rand__', '__rdiv__', '__rdivmod__',
'__reduce__', '__reduce_ex__', '__repr__', '__rfloordiv__', '__rlshift__',
'__rmod__', '__rmul__', '__ror__', '__rpow__', '__rrshift__', '__rshift__',
'__rsub__', '__rtruediv__', '__rxor__', '__setattr__', '__sizeof__', '__str__',
'__sub__', '__subclasshook__', '__truediv__', '__trunc__', '__xor__',
'bit_length', 'conjugate', 'denominator', 'imag', 'numerator', 'real']

With all those attributes and member functions, I think it's safe to say 10 is an object.

Since everything in Python is essentially names bound to objects, we can do silly (but interesting) stuff like this:

>>> import datetime
>>> import imp
>>> datetime.datetime.now()
datetime.datetime(2013, 02, 14, 02, 53, 59, 608842)
>>> class PartyTime():
...     def __call__(self, *args):
...         imp.reload(datetime)
...         value = datetime.datetime(*args)
...         datetime.datetime = self
...         return value
...     def __getattr__(self, value):
...         if value == 'now':
...             return lambda: print('Party Time!')
...         else:
...             imp.reload(datetime)
...             value = getattr(datetime.datetime, value)
...             datetime.datetime = self
...             return value
>>> datetime.datetime = PartyTime()
>>> datetime.datetime.now()
Party Time!
>>> today = datetime.datetime(2013, 2, 14)
>>> print(today)
2013-02-14 00:00:00
>>> print(today.timestamp())

datetime.datetime is just a name (that happens to be bound to an object representing the datetime class). We can rebind it to whatever we please. In the example above, we bind the datetime attribute of the datetime module to our new class, PartyTime. Any call to the datetime.datetime constructor returns a valid datetime object. In fact, the class is indistinguishable from the real datetime.datetime class. Except, that is, for the fact that if you call datetime.datetime.now() it always prints out 'Party Time!'.

Obviously this is a silly example, but hopefully it gives you some insight into what is possible when you fully understand and make use of Python's execution model. At this point, though, we've only changed bindings associated with a name. What about changing the object itself?

Two types of objects

It turns out Python has two flavors of objects: mutable and immutable. The value of mutable objects can be changed after they are created. The value of immutable objects cannot be. A list is a mutable object. You can create a list, append some values, and the list is updated in place. A string is immutable. Once you create a string, you can't change its value.

I know what you're thinking: "Of course you can change the value of a string, I do it all the time in my code!" When you "change" a string, you're actually rebinding it to a newly created string object. The original object remains unchanged, even though its possible that nothing refers to it anymore.

See for yourself:

>>> a = 'foo'
>>> a
>>> b = a
>>> a += 'bar'
>>> a
>>> b

Even though we're using += and it seems that we're modifying the string, we really just get a new one containing the result of the change. This is why you may hear people say, "string concatenation is slow.". It's because concatenating strings must allocate memory for a new string and copy the contents, while appending to a list (in most cases) requires no allocation. Immutable objects are fundamentally expensive to "change", because doing so involves creating a copy. Changing mutable objects is cheap.

Immutable object weirdness

When I said the value of immutable objects can't change after they're created, it wasn't the whole truth. A number of containers in Python, such as tuple, are immutable. The value of a tuple can't be changed after it is created. But the "value" of a tuple is conceptually just a sequence of names with unchangeable bindings to objects. The key thing to note is that the bindings are unchangeable, not the objects they are bound to.

This means the following is perfectly legal:

>>> class Foo():
...     def __init__(self):
...             self.value = 0
...     def __str__(self):
...             return str(self.value)
...     def __repr__(self):
...             return str(self.value)
>>> f = Foo()
>>> print(f)
>>> foo_tuple = (f, f)
>>> print(foo_tuple)
(0, 0)
>>> foo_tuple[0] = 100
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "<stdin>", line 1, in <module>
TypeError: 'tuple' object does not support item assignment
>>> f.value = 999
>>> print(f)
>>> print(foo_tuple)
(999, 999)

When we try to change an element of the tuple directly, we get a TypeError telling us that (once created), tuples can't be assigned to. But changing the underlying object has the effect of "changing" the value of the tuple. This is a subtle point, but nonetheless important: the "value" of an immutable object can't change, but it's constituent objects can.

Function calls

If variables are just names bound to objects, what happens when we pass them as arguments to a function? The truth is, we aren't really passing all that much. Take a look at this code:

def add_to_tree(root, value_string):
    """Given a string of characters `value_string`, create or update a
    series of dictionaries where the value at each level is a dictionary of
    the characters that have been seen following the current character.

    >>> my_string = 'abc'
    >>> tree = {}
    >>> add_to_tree(tree, my_string)
    >>> print(tree['a']['b'])
    {'c': {}}
    >>> add_to_tree(tree, 'abd')
    >>> print(tree['a']['b'])
    {'c': {}, 'd': {}}
    >>> print(tree['a']['d'])
    KeyError 'd'

    for character in value_string:
        root = root.setdefault(character, {})

We're essentially creating an auto-vivifying dictionary that operates like a trie. Notice that we change the root parameter in the for loop. And yet after the function call completes, tree is still the same dictionary with some updates. It is not the last value of root in the function call. So in one sense tree is being updated; in another sense it's not.

To make sense of this, consider what the root parameter actually is: a new binding to the object refereed to by the name passed in as the root parameter. In the case of our example, root is a name initially bound to the same object as tree. It is not tree itself, which explains why changing root to a new dictionary in the function leaves tree unchanged. As you'll recall, assigning root to root.setdefault(character, {}) merely rebinds root to the object created by the root.setdefault(character, {}) statement.

Here's another, more straightforward, example:

def list_changer(input_list):
    input_list[0] = 10

    input_list = range(1, 10)
    input_list[0] = 10

>>> test_list = [5, 5, 5]
>>> list_changer(test_list)
[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9]
[10, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9]
>>> print test_list
[10, 5, 5]

Our first statement does change the value of the underlying list (as we can see in the last line printed). However, once we rebind the name input_list by saying input_list = range(1, 10), we're now referring to a completely different object. We basically said "bind the name input_list to this new list." After that line, we have no way of referring to the original input_list parameter again.

By now, you should have a clear understanding of how binding a name works. There's just one more item to take care of.

Blocks and Scope

The concepts of names, bindings, and objects should be quite familiar at this point. What we haven't covered, though, is how the interpreter "finds" a name. To see what I mean, consider the following:

def print_some_weird_calculation(value):
    number_of_digits = len(str(value))

    def print_formatted_calculation(result):
        print('{value} * {constant} = {result}'.format(value=value,
            constant=GLOBAL_CONSTANT, result=result))
        print('{}   {}'.format('^' * number_of_digits, '++'))
        print('\nKey: ^ points to your number, + points to constant')

    print_formatted_calculation(value * GLOBAL_CONSTANT)

>>> print_some_weird_calculation(123)
123 * 42 = 5166
^^^   ++

Key: ^ points to your number, + points to constant

This is a contrived example, but a couple of things should jump out at you. First, how does the print_formatted_calculation function have access to value and number_of_digits even though they were never passed as arguments? Second, how do both functions seem to have access to GLOBAL_CONSTANT?

The answer is all about scope. In Python, when a name is bound to an object, that name is only usable within the name's scope. The scope of a name is determined by the block in which it was created. A block is just a "block" of Python code that is executed as a single unit. The three most common types of blocks are modules, class definitions, and the bodies of functions. So the scope of a name is the innermost block in which it's defined.

Let's now return to the original question: how does the interpreter "find" what a name is bound to (or if it's even a valid name at all)? It begins by checking the scope of the innermost block. Then it checks the scope that contained the innermost block, then the scope that contained that, and so on.

In the print_formatted_calculation function, we reference value. This is resolved by first checking the scope of the innermost block, which in this case is the body of the function itself. When it doesn't find value defined there, it checks the scope that print_formatted_calculation was defined in. In our case, that's the body of the print_some_weird_calculation function. Here it does find the name value, and so it uses that binding and stops looking. The same is true for GLOBAL_CONSTANT, it just needs to look an extra level higher: the module (or script) level. Anything defined at this level is considered a global name. These are accessible from anywhere.

A few quick things to note. A name's scope extends to any blocks contained in the block where the name was defined, unless the name is rebound in one of those blocks. If print_formatted_calculation had the line value = 3, then the scope of the name value in print_some_weird_calculation would only be the body of that function. It's scope would not include print_formatted_calculation, since that block rebound the name.

Use this power wisely...

There are two keywords that can be used to tell the interpreter to reuse a preexisting binding. Every other time we bind a name, it binds that name to a new object, but only in the current scope. In the example above, if we rebound value in print_formatted_calculation, it would have no affect on the value in print_some_weird_calculation, which is print_formatted_calculation's enclosing scope. With the following two keywords, we can actually affect the bindings outside our local scope.

global my_variable tells the interpreter to use the binding of the name my_variable in the top-most (or "global" scope). Putting global my_variable in a code block is a way of saying, "copy the binding of this global variable, or if you don't find it, create the name my_variable in the global scope." Similarly, the nonlocal my_variable statement instructs the interpreter to use the binding of the name my_variable defined in the nearest enclosing scope. This is a way to rebind a name not defined in either the local or global scope. Without nonlocal, we would only be able to alter bindings in the local scope or the global scope. Unlike global my_variable however, if we use nonlocal my_variable then my_variable must already exist; it won't be created if it's not found.

To see this in action, let's write a quick example:

def outer_scope_function():
    some_value = hex(0x0)

    def inner_scope_function():
        nonlocal some_value
        some_value = hex(0xDEADBEEF)

# Output:
# 42
# 0x0
# 0xdeadbeef
# 31337

By making use of global and nonlocal, we're able to use and change the existing binding of a name rather than merely assigning the name a new binding and losing the old one.

If you've made it to the end of this post, congratulations! Hopefully Python's execution model is much more clear. In a (much shorter) follow-up post, I'll show some examples of how we can make use of the fact that everything is an object in interesting ways. Until next time...

If you found this post useful, check out Writing Idiomatic Python. It's filled with common Python idioms and code samples showing the right and wrong way to use them.

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“The Professional” in response to SammiCox weekend “61 word” writing prompt #101: “Charlatan” April 13, 2019

61 word “Charlatan writing prompt”

*Some words in this prompt may offend*

The Professional

Why you swindler!

You fabricating, faker!

You unmitigated bounder!

How dare you, you

Conniving charlatan!

You imposter! You imitator!

You shamming shark!

You four-flushing phony!

You double-dealing hypocrite!

You Fucking asshole!!!

“That’ll be twenty bucks.”

“Yeah twenty. You only asked for

the cheap degradation deal.

another twenty and I will

take you to hell.”

“No, it’s ok I’m done.”

©J.E.Goldie 4/17/2019

The Hand Bill

Statement: So! O.K. What’s this?

Answer: A hand bill.

Statement: A hand Bill.

Answer: Yes. Read it.

Statement: More junk!

Statement: Just read it.

Answer: What a waste of time!

Question: Well?

Answer: Just throw it out!

Statement: O.K.! I will.

Statement: Well do it!

Statement: O.K.!

Statement: Here! Gimme that!

Statement: No! Never mind.

Demand: Gimme! What’s it say for God’s Sake!

Statement:  I Love You.

Answer: God! More junk!

“Not Another Word” in response to Crimson’s Creative Photo Challenge #22 #CCC “And Did Those Feet” Apr.11,2019

“Hey Joan, Come here.”

“What’s yah doing Nancy?”

“C’mon, kneel down. Get closer.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake Nan my knees aren’t

like they used ta be. I’ll never get up!”

“Ok. Ok what’s so important.”

“Look here! These rocks are striped.”

“Ok. I’ll admit they’re striped. I could see

that standing.”

“Joan? Look around. Do you see any other

striped rocks around here?”

“No actually.”

“Right. Then why do you think they’re striped?”

“I really don’t know Nancy. But I do know you’re

probably gonna tell me.”

“Well, when I was in Glasgow last Summer…..”

“Hey! Hey Ladies! Get outta there, now!”

“You Sir are interrupting me!”

“Now ladies! Please! Can’t ya hear that?”

“Get your backpack. I think I saw a B and B

a mile back. Hopefully they’ll let us clean up there.

And Nancy?”

“Not a word. Not another word.”

©J.E.Goldie 4/14/2019

“Yes, Miss Cross…” in response to “Reena Saxena’s Exploration Challenge #82” April 11, 2019

Black Hole

“Ryan. Please collect your things.”

“Yes, Miss Cross.”

“Ryan? Don’t doddle. You always doddle!”

“Yes, Miss Cross.”

“Ryan? Have you heard a word I’ve said in the last

ten minutes? It’s been at least ten minutes since I

first asked you to get yourself ready. Are you lost in

that tiny little head of yours?”

“Yes, Miss Cross.”

“Ryan. Listen to me please.”

“Yes, Miss Cross.”

“Okay, I’ve had enough. That black hole you refer to

as your mind, is nothing but empty space. Are you

listening to me?”

“Yes, Miss Cross.”

“Just leave Ryan, get out of my sight!”

“Yes, Miss Cross.”

©Jen Goldie 4/13/2019

Reena’s Exploration Challenge #22 posted April 11, 2019

What Do You Want?

question: What have I done to you now?

answer: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

question: So, what’s wrong?

answer: Why do you ask?

statement: You seem so distant.

reply: Didn’t know you cared to know.

question: Why do you say that?

answer: Didn’t think you were interested.

statement: Of course, I am.

question: So, you called then?

question: Called when?

statement: That’s what I mean.

question: What do you mean?

statement: You called because you care.

statement: I didn’t call.

statement: That’s what I mean.

question: What the hell have I done?

answer: Nothing…absolutely nothing.

statement: Fine.

answer: Yup.

question: What’s the matter with you?

answer: People like you.

question: What’s that supposed to mean?

answer: You figure it out.

statement: You’re strange.

statement: Typical response.

statement: Forget it!

statement: Just what I’ve been trying to do.

statement: Oh, cold shoulder routine.

statement: No, Survival tactics.

question: What?

statement: Expect nothing…get nothing.

question: What the hell do you want?

answer: Nothing, absolutely nothing.

question: So, what’s wrong?

question: Why do you ask?

©Jen Goldie

“Stay Close” in response to Crimson’s Creative Photo Challenge #22 #CCC Apr. 10, 2019

“Ladies and Gentlemen please stay close as we approach this area.”

“What’s the big deal Pat? It’s a path with stones. It looks like cars or something have driven through here.”

“You always question things. If the man says to stay close, then for heaven’s sake stay close! Or would you rather be close to her, over there?”

“Where?  Oh! “

“Pat! Eyes back in sockets. Just stay close to me. Okay? Too much to ask?”

 “If you look closely, you’ll notice the stones are randomly set. That is, to say, they were never actually placed here.

I m-meant to s-say, they weren’t  r-really put here by anyone, or anything in p-particular. I mean, oh never mind. Just stay close.”

 “C’mon let’s go explore, Pat. How bout it?”

“Well Men! Looks like we lost two more. Ken, contact the next of kin”

©J.E.Goldie 04/11/2019

Crimson’s Creative Photo Prompt #22 Apr. 10, 2019

Katharine Hepburn – A story

It was 1976. It was The Royal Alexander Theatre in Toronto, Ontario.  There I was standing inches from Katharine Hepburn, with buckling knees, I might add, having been pushed through the crowds by a “friend”. We’d just seen “A Matter of Gravity”.

The view from the second balcony was exceptional, sort of. I say exceptional, exceptionally high, that is. We made our way out of the theatre amongst the formerly dressed Theatre Crowd and proceeded to go home. That’s when we saw a gathering of people and the adventure began. I was coaxed into asking her for her autograph and she politely said “No”. She must have seen the look of horror on my face. She quickly remedied the discomfort by saying that I should give my Program to the Box Office and could pick it up tomorrow. Little did I know that the encounter would result in over 15 years of correspondence, as succinct as it was, most of the time. Miss Hepburn was known for her short greetings, even amongst her friends.

After the encounter we were on cloud nine. Thoughts of going home became, where can we get a drink and talk about this. We quickly found a bar and discussed the situation. After a few drinks we made a pact. We planned to hand-deliver 2 pink carnations after every remaining performance. We didn’t consider the fact that it was in the dead of Winter or how difficult it could be to buy 2 pink carnations at any given time. We were too young to worry about details. The goal was the goal. There wasn’t anything we couldn’t do if we set our minds to it. So, we set the pact, toasted to our resolution and went home.

I’m not quite sure where we got the carnations but one of us must have bought them on the way home. Home being a good forty-five minute subway ride from the downtown area. We hadn’t considered the travelling aspect of our venture, but that didn’t effect our determination.

We faithfully stood at the same location each visit. Not wanting to be in her face, we decided that a good distance from the front of house stage door would be more polite. Each time we casually presented her with the two carnations, unwrapped and respectfully visible.

As time went on she would stride towards us and jokingly chide us about spending our money on her. We’d quickly pass the time of day and Fisher, her driver, would escort her to the car. Yes, the car, just a simple sedan, nothing over blown. No pretense with this woman. She’d climb in, and one time she looked back and said, I’m just an old dog. Then off they’d go to The Windsor Arms Hotel. The hotel had a special suite for her visits.

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It was interesting how people began to wonder who we were. It appeared to them that we must have been great friends as she’d come straight to us. Somewhat amusing, but she was that gracious and did as she pleased, much to the chagrin of her well dressed public.  Somehow, she knew we simply were expressing our admiration in a small way and wanted nothing in return. She knew that instinctively.

As I said before, it was the dead of winter. One matinee day, we were standing in our usual spot and realized that her car and Fisher were nowhere to be seen. Suddenly Fisher comes running towards us waving us to come with him. As it turned out, she decided to leave by the back-stage door. So, we followed him. We made ourselves comfortable on a snow bank and waited. She came out and told us she wanted to get a nap before the evening show, accepted her flowers and headed to the car. The saddest thing was that the few mink clad theatre goers that happened to be out back began to bang on her car window. It was quite the show.

One extremely cold day, for some reason, we’d bought the carnations the day before. To keep them fresh we put them on the inside windowsill. HORRORS! They had frozen overnight and we had no option but to take them to her. So we tentatively made our way to the Theatre. She was as gracious as ever.

Towards the end of the run she asked us if we’d like to see the show. As we’d already seen it we hesitated. Well? She said a little confused. It was almost a slight on our part. Of course, we said and that was that. I’m inviting you to the final performance. You can pick up the tickets at the box office. Just ask for K.H. tickets, she said.

Well here we were at The Royal Alexander Theatre being ushered down to the front row, two carnations in hand. She’d given us seats down left of the stage, where the majority of here scenes were played. We felt a little out-of-place but knew, she knew, we’d be there. I must say we felt very special. She had a way of doing just that.

One thing she didn’t tell us, and why would she, was that Ms. Hepburn refused to work and indeed live, anywhere with temperatures above 60 degrees. We froze. She insisted that the stage door be open which, as I knew, was directly behind stage left, not far from where we were seated.

After the show Fisher made sure we had our goodbyes and Ms. Hepburn got her flowers from us. She told us, in a note, that all of the carnations were still beautiful, even the frozen one’s survived.

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The Letter:

“You are very sweet-you two-standing out in the alley

with your toll.

I do really enjoy flowers.

And they last and last because I use very little heat.

So the collection of carnations grows and grows.

Even those two frozen ones survive – so do we –

don’t we – if someone takes care as you do of me.

You two make me happy.

Thank You. Katharine Hepburn”

The experience was very special. There was no pretense. No ulterior motives. Just another journey. We sent short letters, and the usual holiday greetings to her in New York, which she replied to. Some type written, perhaps by her personal assistant, Phyllis at the time, but always signed. I could see that her signature was getting shakier. One funny exchange, we’d asked how her foot was. Her hand written response was “The wheel chair version is rather fun.”

I continued to write. At one point in 1982 she wrote back, after having hurt her shoulder. “I’m fine – – the papers are slightly idiotic – – just a shoulder tear.” I saw her signature getting less and less steady.

The last letter I have is from a response dated III – 10 – 1994.

“Dear Jennifer – Thankyou –”

Born: May 12, 1907, Hartford, Connecticut

DIED June 29, 2003 (aged 96)
Saybrook, Connecticut

“But Mom!” in response to BrewNSpew word prompt “Pretend” Apr.8,2019

“Well young man! I’ve had just about enough of your silly games! You make up such nonsense. Honestly! You live in a world of fantasy, just like your father used to!”

“But Mom, it’s …”

“You’ll get that butt into your room RIGHT NOW!”

“Mom? It’s really gonna…”

“If  you MOM! me one more time and don’t get moving, I might do something I’ll regret! Now Move!”

“Yes Ma’am”

“Yes, Ma’am what?”

“Yes, Ma’am I’m sorry”.

“That’s better! Now Go!”

“Yes Mom.”

“Well, Mrs. Parker, there’s really nothing we can do here. It seems he just, um, slipped away. We can’t pretend to find anything that would account for his, um, death. G’day.”

©J.E.Goldie 4/09/2019

BrewNSpew word prompt “Pretend” April 8, 2019

“The Party” Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #8 #FFFC April 8, 2019

“I think we’re early”

“What makes you think that you moron!”

“Well look! No one’s here. You sure this is the right place?”

“Have I ever, ever steered you wrong? C’mon spill! Have I?”

“Well there was that time 5 years ago when you……”

“Stop it right there buddy. Are we gonna delve into our murky pasts now? Get real! Look, it says right here. Shit! I lost the invite!”

“Oh I see and not once have you ever, and I repeat ever, steered me wrong.”

“You wanna step outside!. Let’s go yah wimp! “

“Excuse me Sirs. Which side of the bereaved family are you on?”

©J.E.Goldie 4/8/2019

Word Count: 118 including title

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #8 April 8, 2019 #FFFC

“Old Crank’s Creek” in response to Crimson’s Creative Challenge #21 4/3/2019

“Yah mean that pond down the there?” he gestured

“That’s Old Cranks’s Creek. Nobody much goes there, cept a few.

They say it’s a least a hundred foot below her. I liken it’s so, cause them that’s in the know, don’t go.” He grinned

“They say, at night, there’s a strange glow comes straight up the middle. I reckon that’s true too.” He said thoughtfully

“See over yonder? Just over there? That white patch? That’s where they put ‘em.” he pointed.

“I ain’t heard it myself, but they say, when the moon’s full, there’s moanin and groanin.” he said with a glint.

“Won’t see me within hundred foot of her.” he added stroking his beard.

“No sir!”

“But I ain’t stopping yah. Why don’t yah go?” he said looking towards the pond.

“That is, if you’ve a mind ta.”  he added, and winked.

©J.E.Goldie 4/3/2019

Crimson’s Creative Challenge #21 4/3/2019

GoDogGo Cafe Promote Youself Monday April 15. 2018

A gathering of Stars VI – Touched by an Angel….

Nine was puzzled, but pleasantly puzzled. He had a distinct feeling of Joy and harmony at the same time, but he was billowed.

How could this feeling be, he pondered, as he gazed across the now, brilliant sky, glowing and new. Brilliant blue. A few minutes before he’d felt lost and hopeless.

He drifted silently watching, as Dawn escorted Day into position with her floating array of mystery. He was constantly in awe of her beauty. He saw Day, as usual, acknowledging Night, as he slipped away, his stars and starlets still twinkling, in tow. North was still as bright and powerful as ever, but now fading with the brightness of Day. All looked well.

And Moon, well he guessed he was still sleeping his woes away behind some wayward cloud, unseen. That was a good thing, he thought, perhaps Moon would be edging his way back slowly on the morrow and less sorrowful, as Moon’s are apt to do.

Such a commotion had never been witnessed before last night, he pondered. At least not in his cloud-line. There was such a deep and powerful feeling of despondency throughout the entire celestial body. So deeply felt and so strong that it must have shaken the universe, he concluded. Like ocean waves rising high and plummeting below into the depths of sorrow.

Something possessed him to take a good long look below. Something he’d been reluctant to do for years, he sighed. Unexpectedly, a deep, long awaited and joyful smile embraced him. It was no longer about what he saw but what he could see. A new Dawn. A new Day.

He looked inward, his dappled grey had transformed into an iridescent white. He was himself once again and he knew why.

In the blink of an eye and as an answer to their cries,

they had been touched by an Angel.

©Jen Goldie 4/1/2019

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Her name was Alice……

Her name was Alice. Ali to everyone. Ali was a part of us all, whether

we liked it or not, whether we liked her or not. That’s the way it goes.

Whether we liked her or not depended on whether we knew her or not.

A conundrum.

She spoke her mind. More than that, she said what was on her mind at any given moment. A fault? Who hasn’t faults. I personally loved and hated the woman at the same time. I’m sure I cursed her more than anyone I know.

You could curse her to her face.

She knew where it was coming from.

She was strong,

she was weak.

She was all of us wrapped up into a 5′ nothing package that warmed us one moment

and riled us the next.

She stood up for us all, as best she could. She was ready to do life to the limit!

Let’s love!

Let’s fight!

Let’s scream

Let’s curse the hell out of life!

Let’s just do it!

She knew what fighting was all about. She knew it early on in her life. She was woman alone with children.

She was proud and

demanding and

and loving.

If you knew Ali, I need say no more.

If you ever met her,

I’m sure you’d remember the meeting.

If you never met her you missed someone very special on this planet.

She’s gone now,

But she’s still with the lucky one’s who knew her.

©Jen Goldie

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A gathering of Stars – V – I wonder…

“Watcha talkin bout man! Watcha mean, ain’t never gonna be no moon again. That’s just dust! Shake it off brother!” taunted Sam.

“I’m tellin yah Bro! Listen up why doncha! Ain’t no dust on my billow. Check yourself out!” Grumbled Aadan.

“You bin listinin to them Starlettes agin? Man you got it bad!” jabbed Sam.

Aadan slowly drifted towards Sam, and looked straight into the centre of his cloud vapor.

“Mr. Sampson!” added Aadan, “ When my Dude Nine gets worried, I GET WORRIED! He ain’t no fluff! I got it right from the clouds mouth, Ok?”

“Hey you guys! Billow up! Here comes Nine!” whispered Aari anxiously.

“How is it that every time I see you puffs, you’re in a stratus?” He growled.

“Spread out! It’s already dark enough. We need to help North and the Stars shine through! Now, MOVE OUT!” Thundered Nine.

“Puffs!” he sighed, under his breath.

“Ok, where was I?” he pondered as he drifted slowly. “Ah yes, I am in a mess, I have to talk to Dawn, AND to top it off I am talking to myself.” He sighed.

Just then a long shadow slipped into view. He shivered and shifted, so did the shadow. He swayed and it followed. It enveloped him in a soothing kind of way.

“Can I help you?” he offered kindly.

“Are you lost?” he questioned softly.

Still no answer, yet an ever questioning silence brought a sense of sadness to the celestial night air.

“Do I know you?” he once again offered. He began to feel a terrible melancholy.

“Can I help you?” he pleaded.

No amount of kindness or platitude could get a response. As quickly as it came it slipped away, leaving him desperately hoping it would return. He felt a kind of loss and sadness tinged with a sense of hope. As he looked towards the horizon, he saw Dawn and felt peace. A lovely, bright sense of peace.

©J.E.Goldie 3/31/2019

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Benjamin’s Watch

He rubbed his dirty and tear-streaked face and marched home to a certain doom. A doom, which to him meant staying in the cluttered and dusty front yard and listening to the screams of the other children in the fairy-demon land of the woods across the field. No more running-tag in the meadow with undiscovered friends, and sweet treats from the candy-store at the crossroads. No more talking with jolly old Mr. Tumbleton, who had a real neet basement where he could explore and discover “stuff” from way back in the days of Marco Polo, and Eric the Red and all those guys.

How do you tell your Mom that you lost the brand-new wrist watch that your Uncle gave you that very morning, while we were all waving good-bye and good-luck. No! There’s no possible way. He laid himself down in a clump of dandelions and got to thinking.

“I’ll just have to walk up to her and say”, “Mom, I….” Nope! I just can’t break it to her. I’ll say, “Mom! A mean old hermit jumped me in the woods and took off with it…” or maybe “Mom I had to trade it for my life! when a bald man with a gun told to me to “Hand it over! or he’d shoot me!”

Mom’d probably rather have the wrist-watch anyhow; than a “dirty urchin.” That’s what she calls me, “A dirty urchant!”. Boy, she really knows how to hurt a guy. No! No! I just won’t go home tonight. Ya! and she’ll be so happy to see me again, she’ll forget about the crumby-old watch anyhow!

Na! it’s too cold outside in the night-time. I’ll just have to wait out here ’til it’s late and sneak in. I’ll get up real early and jump on the 6 o’clock train. I guess I’ll just ride on and on, forever! Yup! That’s what I’ll do ’cause that way nobody will get hurt.  Not Mom. Not Dad. ‘Specially not me. Maybe I can get Jerry to go with me. He’ll come! I know he will ’cause we’re blood-brothers ’til the end!

He wandered across the meadow and backed-trailed through the woods, but his friend was no-where to be found. Still calling for Jerry, he made his way across the meadow until he was in sight of his home. Suddenly there was his mother, calling to him from down the road. “Are you ready for dinner son? Your Dad will be home soon.” “Uh,..No! I’d kinda like to stay out a little longer. O.K. Mom?.” “O.K. son, but don’t wander off. I’ll be watching you from the kitchen window. You know what your Dad would say if you held up his dinner.” “O.K. Mom.”

His mother left him standing there confused and worried. What was he ever going to say to her? What was he going to say to his dad? He sat down again trying to remember the wonderful feeling he had had when the watch was given to him. He had never had anything really grown-up. It seemed to have been there one minute and gone the next. At that moment he heard the honk of a horn which announced the arrival of his father everyday at five o’clock.

“Coming in for dinner son? or are you going to stay out here all night? Hey! Wake up boy! How was your day?” He didn’t know what to say to his dad and was almost in tears at the thought of having to tell him he’d lost the precious gift that had been trustingly given to him. “Guess dinner’s on the table son. Let’s go in.” Father and son approached the tiny, country cottage. What was he going to say? Every step he took got him closer and closer to an unhappy conclusion, to what started out to be a wonderful day. “You’d better go up and wash son, and show your Mom that she doesn’t have to tell you to do things all the time. That’s my young man.”

The boy slowly mounted the stairs, thinking about the disillusionment that his mom and dad would feel. He was ashamed. He’s just have to tell them right out and if they asked him to pack, he’d pack. He guessed Jerry would put him up for the night and after that it would be one job after another. Maybe it would be better just to sneak out now and spare his parents.

As he entered the washroom, with chin on chest, many thoughts flew through and behind him. Turning the tap on and raising his head to look for the soap, he saw something through the corner of his eye. His Watch! He’d put it on and taken it off when he went to wash-up for lunch!  “Mom! Dad!”, he yelled running down the stairs to the kitchen. “My watch! My watch!”

©J.E.Goldie 1968

This is a story I wrote many years ago while I was in High School. Grade 12. I recall being very proud of the Huge A+ sign on the top of the page.

The Man Across The Street

I do my lawn and so does he. Not because I do mine, but only because he cares like I do. He planted Petunias, so did I. I wonder. Does he plant tomatoes in the back?

He got a puppy. Not that I didn’t expect that he’d be one to have a puppy, though he never looked the puppy type. Running around his front yard, teaching the puppy that here’s where you live, and we love you.

The puppy is happy, I can tell. I think the man takes pleasure in giving the puppy love. He’s like me with my cats. He does things that only his puppy can understand…meaning I love you and I’ll take care of you. Anyways, so he runs with his puppy and takes care of his Petunias very well. It’s nice. He cares like I do. It makes you smile. You know what I mean?

We’ve never really talked, just waved and smiled. But we know its ok and there’s a bond of caring.  I don’t even know his name. Well, that makes sense I guess. He probably doesn’t know mine either.

If his puppy gets into trouble, you know, runs away or crosses the street or something when he’s not looking, I’ll be there to save the puppy. I wish I knew his name. The puppy I mean. I think I like him, the puppy. I wouldn’t like to see him get lost or hurt, I mean the puppy. I’d be sorry about that. I mean the man, well, he just waves and smiles. But puppies are different. Everyone, loves a puppy………..

©Jen Goldie

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A gathering of Stars IV – On with the Tale – 3/29/2019

As the Starlettes streaked over to Nine, they could see Night encroaching slowly, but surely.

“Saige. That’s North with Night, right?” questioned Sally

“Yes, is sure is.” Confirmed Saige.

“I wonder where Moon is? Is looks pretty strange not seeing Moon with Night, doesn’t it.” concluded Sally

“Yes, it sure does.” confirmed Saige.

“Saige? Are you ok?” asked Sally with a concerned look.

“Yes, I sure am.” confirmed Saige.

“Saige! Wake up! What’s wrong with you? “

“Nothing and everything Sally. Nothing and everything.” Pondered Saige. “C’mon let’s get over to Nine.”

“Wait up! You guys!” puffed Sara, as she came streaking.

“Where were you?” questioned Sally

“Oh, I was just….”

“Nosing around, right?” Interrupted Saige

“Well, I wanted to….”

“Wanted to spy on Moon.” concluded Saige

“As a matter of fact, yes I was watching him. He’s almost fully eclipsed. No matter how often I see it, it, scares me Saige. I know it’s natural, but I still get a chill.” Whined Sara.

“Look Sara, Moon needs some time to rest and think.”

“Yah, I guess.” Agreed Sara, reluctantly “But!”

“No buts!” demanded Saige wisely.

“Shouldn’t you young’uns be taking your positions!” bellowed Nine, suddenly.

“OH! Yes sir! Yes! Sir.” They jumped to attention.

“Why, pray tell, are you scattered around like a bunch of dust particles!” DO TELL!” He thundered loudly.

“Uh, um, Saige? Why are we?” nudged Sara

“Well, SIR.” Said Saige politely

“We were just, sort of, um, thinking we might help you somehow, someway.” stuttered Saige.

“Oh, I see.” Said Nine. “It’s that obvious is it?” he grumbled.

“Well no! I mean Yes. I mean, well you’re looking just a little, um, unusual.” Reached Saige.

“Unusual, hmm. I like that. Unusual.” Softened Nine. “At least someone’s noticed.”

“Noticed?” shouted Sally “We’ve all noticed! Of course, we’ve noticed! Haven’t we all noticed guys?” said Sally looking for help.

“Oh yes! Yes!” said the chorus

“That’s fine girls, just fine and that puts a bright spot on my billow.” Smiled Nine warmly.

“I see Moon’s waning.’’ He added cautiously

“Yes, it’s so sad” cried Sara.

“I also see North’s taking a primary position in the heavens tonight.”

he continued, as they looked at him hopelessly.

“Well,” offered Nine “I still have my silver lining.”

“You do?” cried the Starlettes, hopefully.

“Yes, I do.” Confirmed Nine, confidently. “BUT!”

“But?” Saige asked carefully.

“But I’m afraid my Silver Lining may not still have the same effect it used to have on “Those Below”, he indicated, sadly. “Someone, somewhere, somehow is going to have to remind “Them”. Then perhaps things can change.” He added optimistically.

“You girls go spread what glow you have left, as hard as you can and I’ll try to stay out of your way. Be brighter than you ever been before tonight. Promise me.” directed Nine.

“We promise!” said the Starlettes, as they crossed their points.

“Now off you go quickly. I have some puffing up on my mind and some spring cleaning to do before Dawn arrives, then we’ll have a word or two.” Said Nine as he floated away a little more lightly.

“Sounds great!” said Sally excitedly.

“Yes,” nodded Saige. “A little more promising.”

©J.E.Goldie 3/29/2019

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“A gathering of Stars III” – The tale continues – Mar. 27, 2019

“C’mon let’s go talk to Nine before Night comes. See what’s up with him.” Said Sally

“Think that would be wise?” asked Saige

“Wise Schmise!” spouted Sara. “ What do YOU think’s the matter with him? It’s pretty obvious, to me. Who’s been there for all of us since time immortal? People have been floating on his billows for years! They mention him all the time. Saying things like,

“I feel like I’m on cloud nine right now.”
“I can’t do nothing except try to find cloud nine.”

“If you are on Cloud Nine, you are extremely happy because something very good has happened to you. I never expected to win, so I’m on Cloud Nine.” Quoted Sara.

“He used to love carrying the bliss.” Added Saige.

“It’s a wonder Nine’s still floating after all these years.” Sighed Sara

“Actually, I heard something I didn’t like, just yesterday. I wonder if Nine heard it too. They said, “I’m on cloud nine. I wouldn’t even say cloud nine, more like cloud ten… cloud nine is old news”

“OUCH!” cringed Saige.

“Yah OUCH!” cried Sally

“And,” added Sara. “Have you noticed his colour and wondered about that?” she questioned.

“I have.” Said Saige. “I’ve seen what they do down there,” as she pointed below. So much junk in the air it’s a wonder Cloud can handle it.”

“Yah.” Sighed Saige. “It’s a wonder how any of us can.”

©J.E.Goldie 3/27/2019

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“A gathering of Stars” II – and so the tale continues – 3/26/2019

The Starlettes, gathered noiselessly into their meeting which happened to be cloistered snuggly, behind Cloud Nine. Cloud Nine rarely, if ever was in attendance. This was important.

“Cloud nine never gets involved in things”, said Saige, as she leaned into Susan. “He’s looking a little drab and grey around the edges”

“I know!” offered Susan “Nine’s usually billowy and upbeat. He’s looking a little sad.”

“You got that right!” said Sara “He even looks a little mad. Looks like he’s been floating around in, um, garbage? He even smells bad.”

“Attention Please!” demanded the North Star. “WE, have a serious situation here. Miss Star has something very important to tell you, so please kindly give her your utmost attention. Miss Star will you please address this constellation.”

Star slowly and reluctantly moved to the platform, not looking her usual twinkley self, dull in fact.

“She looks like she’s gonna fall!” said Susan sadly

“Miss Star! Please proceed.” North prompted as gently as he could.

“Well” she said, as she lowered her points. “Moon is refusing to shine for Night tonight. He’s saying no one cares anymore. Night tried to convince him but Moon has lost his beams. He’s so dim, he’s almost fully waned. Unless someone can convince him it’s worthwhile, darkness will consume his light. Night blossoms won’t bloom, lovers won’t have moonlight, the waters will still and Earth will be very ill.” She sobbed.

A murmured silence filled the group. Questions flew round. What can we do? Who did this? How could this happen!

North Star, hushed the group. “For this Night I will shine the way. Let Moon eclipse for a day. Perhaps tomorrow we’ll find a way. Everyone go get into their heavenly places and pray.”

©J.E.Goldie 3/26/2019

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“A gathering of Stars” – and so the tale continues – 3/24/2019

The Stars were gathering, for a pre-night twinkling meeting and the heavens were clear. It looked as if Night was going to have a bright one ahead for his shift.

“Think this meeting’s going to be any different from the rest?” asked Sara

“Nothing new probably,” remarked Saige.

“Yah” said Sara. “These meetings get boring after awhile. Look! There’s Susan! Hey Sue! How’s it twinkling?” she shouted.

“Sara!” whispered Saige, “A little quieter, please! They’re probably sleeping down there.” As she pointed below.

“Ok! Ok! I get it!” returned Sara.” Annoyingly.

“Are you gals ready for this?” said Susan as she streaked over to them.

“Whatcha mean ready?” chuckled Sara. What in the universe could we need to be ready for? Probably just wanna make sure we got a good shine on before Moon shows up.” She laughed.

“Didn’t you hear?” whispered Susan.

“Hear what?” asked Saige with a concerned glow, as she leaned in.

“Well, Night was just a little darkened last night because Moon left early”, informed Susan. “Star told me all about it.”

“Moon left early? That’s strange.” Pondered Saige.

“Moon’s been gloomy for awhile.” Said Sara. “That’s nothing new in the heavens.”

‘That’s not all.” Whispered Susan. “He asked Star to pray!”

“Pray?” Sara asked now concerned. “We all pray everyday. Don’t we?”

“I sure do.” Sighed Saige.

“Well he’s so worried” said Susan, “that he’s waning all the time now.”

“Wow!” said Sara.

“Yes Wow!” said Susan.

“But, what on earth is the problem?” asked Saige.

“That’s the problem.” Sighed Sue.

©J.E.Goldie 3/25/2019

Saige stands for wisdom, Susan stands for kinship and Sara stands for princess.

Any which way…..it’s love…..🌹

Maybe you was standin in the way, bein you. When I finely made up me

mind ta come outta me hole an look roun.

The sun was ashinin an all’s I could see was you n me.

I slapped my sloppy, gutless self in the face lass nigh, cause a me not

wanten ta lose ya as a frien.

Dunno know what I was a thinkin bout. Loss me head I gess.

Please scuse da mess.

I gess.

I loves,

ya. ❤

©Jen Goldie 3/23/2019

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spaghetti squash

Buffalo Chicken Spaghetti Squash Bowls

 Stuffing my face is a beloved past time, even better when I can have hot wings and pasta all at once!  Since discovering spaghetti squash, I have been obsessed with this dish. Easy dinner for two, that's filling and low carb..score:)
1 Spaghetti squash
2 cups shredded cooked chicken
1 cup grated cheese of choice (I use an italian blend)
1/3-1/2 cup greek yogurt (Fage for sure!)
1/3 cup Frank's Red Hot Sauce (" I put that **** on everything".sorry I had too!)
1 jalepeno (remove seeds and white lining, chop into small pieces)
1/4 cup chopped green onion
salt and pepper
Make it:
Cut spaghetti squash in half..long ways..DO NOT cut yourself!
Remove seeds and pulp (think carving pumpkin..make sure not to scrape out spaghetti part!)
Lightly brush rim and inside with extra virgin olive oil
Bake at 350 for 40-45 min
While squash is baking...
Combine chicken, yogurt, hot sauce, jalepeno, cheese, salt and pepper in bowl
Once squash is done..
Scrape spaghetti out of shell into bowl of ingredients (recommend wearing oven mit to hold hot squash)
Once thoroughly mixed, fill shells with ingredients
Sprinkle on a little more cheese and chopped onions
Place back in over for about 10 minutes..until cheese is melted
Serve with blue cheese or ranch to drizzle on top!


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Pre-Order the eBook on Amazon

The Rack of Destruction
by Norris Raccoon

TheTroubleWithAntlers_MEDIUMIt’s no secret in this community that the greatest danger to all shifters everywhere is the possibility of humans discovering our existence. For centuries, we have protected this information, guarded our secret and kept the humans in the dark. Now, for the first time in Shifterville history, two humans will be living in our town.

Despite dire predictions and against insurmountable odds, the town is ready for the humans’ arrival next week. Indeed, even our esteemed high school principal, Steve Armadillo, managed to perform miracles this summer. The entire town, high school included, has been human-proofed.

This being the case, we should expect to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. Instead, tensions mount as one teen demonstrates again and again that he is unable to control his unruly rack. Attempts to interview Melvin Moose have failed, as he swiftly ran in the opposite direction anytime he was approached. Other residents of Shifferville have much to say, however.

“He just can’t control that ridiculous rack,” Laney Siamese, a classmate of Melvin’s, complained. “It seems every time I turn around, there’s Melvin, knocking over something or someone. I mean, how hard is it to just stay human, for heaven’s sake?”

“He’s going to be the end of us all,” Cora Jaguar, owner of Shiffer Grocery predicted.

Bets are already being placed around town, with odds of 1,000 to one in favor of Melvin’s antlers revealing our secret. Other possibilities were suggested, including the inclusion of tuna-flavored ice cream at the parlor in town (the Siamese family refused to remove it from the menu, insisting that humans eat tuna as well) and the decision to allow students to continue dressing out in fur in P.E. Of course, these suggestions came from Melvin Moose’s best friend, Paulie Porcupine, and Melvin’s father, Jacob Moose, both of whom appear to be in the minority when it comes to predicting how long our secret will be safe with Melvin’s rack on the loose.

Overall, the opinion of the town is clear: Melvin Moose’s rack will destroy the secret shifters have guarded for centuries. Buckle up, Shifterville, it’s going to be a rocky ride!

Norris Raccoon is a reporter for The Shifferville Times (formerly known as The Daily Shifter).

Amy & T-Rab - BLUE HAIR A.J. Culey was not born a shifter, much to her dismay. Despite her limitations as a human, she enjoys spending time with cats, bunnies and other animals. She hasn’t met a shifter yet, nor has she had any antlers spontaneously appear in any classroom she’s taught in, but she hasn’t given up hope that it might one day happen. In the meantime, she has fun writing about the possibilities.

Author Links:

The Yattering and Jack

Clive Barker’s “The Yattering and Jack,” from The Books of Blood–the tale of a man, a demon, and a turkey.

OK, it’s not really about the turkey. But that is one of the most memorable scenes in a story that is equal parts a horror parody and a comedy of manners. Jack’s wife has an affair, and his lack of emotion drives her to suicide. He finds himself afflicted by a demon and his daughters, witnessing the Christmas chaos for themselves, cannot understand his calm demeanor, nor can the demon whose job it is to break him. At times I was reminded of Restoration comedies I had read (and very much enjoyed) in undergrad. What does it take before that famous British stoicism begins to crack?

When Clive Barker burst onto the scene in the 80s, he rose to fame for a number of reasons, humor not generally being one of them. Barker pushed the boundaries of sex and violence in horror, and intertwined the two in new and disturbing ways. It’s what I love about him and what influenced me in my early days. He also wrote “The Yattering and Jack,” whose set-up certainly sounds like a horror story: Beelzebub, thanks to Jack’s family, has a claim on Jack’s soul. He sends a minor demon called the Yattering to torment Jack into insanity and thus take what is rightfully his. But even in Hell there are laws; should the Yattering ever leave the house or lay a hand on Jack, Beelzebub’s claim is forfeit, and the Yattering will become Jack’s slave. The Yattering takes great delight in inflicting all sorts of terrible things upon Jack, including the murder of his cat(s), yet Jack refuses to surrender his sanity.

It is not, we learn, because Jack has the stiffest upper lip of any Brit to ever live, but because he is fully aware of the Yattering’s existence and intent. By the time Christmas descends into a maelstrom of turkey attacks and spinning Christmas trees, the Yattering is so frustrated by Jack’s unflappability that it commits its greatest error, just as Jack knows it will. It not only follows Jack outside but touches him, and Jack’s soul will thus never be in Beelzebub’s possession. Neither, as it turns out, will Jack ever enter Heaven. Enslaving a demon is frowned upon. Go figure.

If there are still people out there who haven’t read Clive Barker’s earlier work because of his reputation (you’re missing out, but to each their own), at least give this one a shot. You’ll think twice about having turkey for Christmas dinner.


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Relationship Coaching

Counseling & Coaching for Couples

We've all heard people say that relationships take work. Knowing what areas to focus on can be tricky, that's why coaching works best for couples. Regardless of who did what, how it happened and why, we need to shift you from a place of stress to place of focus and intentional attention! The affection and trust will follow.

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couples counseling with Jessica Gaffney. Love Principle

Congratulations you're in relationship counseling, that means you are shifting your priorities to focus on each other. That's awesome.

the LOVE Principle Method

In addition to using EFT and the Gottman method I have been working with stressed out families and couples for a decade. The fastest way to get to a sense of bliss you once experienced is by using the LOVE Principles. Listen to each other, observe them all over again and find the good, validate their disappointments, anger and fears. Encourage each other and make plans for your future.

Embracing the Future

Staying the course involves bi-annual check in with Jessica Gaffney. Weekly and monthly goals that you will fall in love with to keep your skills going.


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A Korean-American is suing Hooters for racial discrimination after a hostess giggled and gawked at him and his girlfriend while taking their takeout order before handing them a receipt that read "chinx."

Kisuk Cha told the New York Times that he was so shocked and distraught by the employee's behavior he lost his appetite and threw his buffalo shrimp and chicken wings away.

"He was so overwhelmed that he just wanted to go to bed to sleep, but was too angry to do so," his lawyer wrote in a lawsuit filed Monday afternoon. "This incident has continued to cause him mental anguish. He is haunted by the ridiculing giggles and stares of his persecutor. He does not feel welcome at Hooters and indeed questions whether he is welcomed at any non-Korean establishments."

Hooters' local HR director apologized profusely and the 17-year-old hostess responsible for the racial receipt slur identified herself to management and resigned, but Cha is still upset. "Recently I got my U.S. citizenship," he said, "and I realized, like, this isn't something I expected when I became a U.S. citizen."

Yesterday, we wrote about the restaurant chain's sad, sad plans to appeal to the ladies. Maybe they need to take a few steps back and train their employees how to be basic human beings, first.

A Hooters in Queens Is Sued for Racial Discrimination [NYT]


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Personal Product & Services

Looking On The Bright Side of Camping

Tips to Make Your Family Camping Holiday Successful

Planning for some outings as a family amid an occasion is very incredible. It gives your family time to be happy far from the normal home environment. Because of the thing is that the family does together their bonding is increased. You can have your trip exciting or difficult depending with your preparedness. This site provides you with some of the things that you must do to make your camping more fantastic.

Think about fixing the tent earlier. Make sure that you have a tent with you. Fix the tent that you will be using before packing it. By doing so you will be in a position to notice any problem with your tent. By putting up the tent you will know if you are in a position to fix it or you will need some help. Nothing embarrassing like having the tent but you cannot use it because of some default that you did not see when packing.

Avoid tree shelters. It can be tempting to fix your tent under a tree for many reasons. It’s good to stay away from the animal disruptions. Also, trees are so risky because of the falling branches that can harm you or damage your tent. More to that is the stain from the tree sap.

Prepare for meals early enough. It’s important to eat when you are camping. Make sure to plan for your meals early enough so that you can have time to shop for what may be missing. In case of darkness finds you before cooking you will have a hard time as you can learn more.

Avoid leaving the sleeping bag. It’s good to have a good sleeping bag.

Make sure you have a solar panel. You can afford to chat with the family member in the light of a solar panel. The good thing with solar panels is that they get power from the sun and therefore you have no bill to pay.

Consider taking your cooler. For food preservation, you will need a fridge. If possible use a fridge that can operate in your car.

Consider having some plastic bags. Life can be a real hell if you don’t carry with you some plastic bags. With a plastic bag you don’t have to carry a food container that occupies a lot of space. Plastic bags are easy to carry than any other.

Carry more pair of socks. The open-air exercises are exceptionally energizing and you can without much of a stretch botch up with your socks. It would be rushed in the event that you have no other extra combine of socks since you should utilize the wet on or stroll without.


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Indian Coast Guard Recruitment 2018 Assistant Commandant Posts Online

Indian Coast Guard Recruitment 2018

Applicants must have scanned copy of passport size photograph (between 10 kb to 40 kb) and signature (between 10 kb to 30 kb) at the time of filling online form. Applicant should registerd first with their valid E-mail ID and Mobile number.After registration Password and Login ID will be sent to the registered E-mail ID and Mobile Number.

Vacancies & Eligibility :-

Branch Age Qualification Salary
General Duty 01-07-1994 to 30-06- 1998 Bachelors Degree with 60 % marks Rs.56,100/-
General Duty (Pilot) 01-07-1994 to 30-06-2000 Bachelors Degree with 60 % marks Rs.56,100/-
Commerc ial Pilot Entry (CPL) 01-07-1994 to 30-06-2000 12th pass(Physics and math) with 60% marks and holding current /valid Commercial Pilot Licence (CPL) issued/ validated by Director General Of Civil Aviation (DGCA).

Starting date of online application: 19-05-2018.

Last date of online application: 01-06-2018.

Preliminary Selection will be conducted on: 18-06-2018.

Selection Process :-

Selection will be based in 2 stage . Short Listing of Applications, Preliminary Selection, Final Selection.

Selection Procedure Stage –I :-

(A) Application will be Short listing on higher percentage of marks in the qualifying examination and the qualifying cut off for a particular branch or centre.

(B) Shortlisted candidates will be called for Preliminary Selection at given date and time which will consist of Mental Ability Test/ Cognitive Aptitude Test and Picture Perception & Discussion Test. The aptitude tests will be in English only and will be of objective type.

Stage -II:-

Final Selection:- Candidates who qualify Preliminary Selection will be called for Final Selection. Final Selection will consist of Psychological Test, Group Task and Interview (Personality test).

Medical:-  All candidates recommended by Final Selection Board will undergo Medical examination at nearest Military Hospital. Candidates for GD (Pilot) and CPL will undergo medical at AFCME, Delhi.

Medical Standards :-

Height: Asst Commandant (GD): 157 cms minimum. (ii) Asst Commandant (Pilot) and CPL holders : Height Minimum 162.5 cms, leg length minimum 99 cms.

 Proportionate to the Height and Age, + 10 % acceptable. Chest: Well proportionate, minimum expansion 5 cms.

Fee : Nil .

How to Apply :

Candidates complying with required eligibility criteria may apply online from 19-05-2018 to 01-06-2018 . Candidates must read all instruction carefully about meeting eligibility criteria and other norms before submission of online form.

Get Unlimited Jobs Government & Private Free. SUBSCRIBE us or click on Bell Icon where u get Notification or E-MAIL free NEVER MISS ANY JOB.


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Trade Marketing Executive

London (Central), London (Greater)
£30,000 - £35,000 plus benefits
11 Jan 2019
08 Feb 2019
Job Discipline
Experience Level
Contract Type
Full Time

Trade Marketing Executive

£30,000 - £35,000 plus benefits

Based: London

This premium food business needs a lively and hands-on individual who will take the lead in the day to day activation of trade marketing campaigns; this will include the project management of trade show events, the creation and delivery of all trade collateral and general sales and marketing support for the team.

Our Ideal Candidate

It’s expected that you will have some trade marketing experience – including specifically the delivery of events and the creation of trade facing marketing collateral. A cultural fit is import in the business; you must be prepared to be hands-on and not solely restricted by the responsibilities detailed in the specification. Highly organised, an excellent communicator and a naturally collaborative approach would be perfect. If you are pro-active, energetic and tenacious you would be a perfect fit for the rest of the team!

Client Profile

A lovely premium hot drink business – entrepreneurial and growing – this is an ideal step for an ambitious and hands-on type who is up for a challenge of working in a smaller, less process driven organisation. Experts in their field with an established luxury proposition it suits people who can represent the brand and all its values in their everyday activity.

The Tarsh Partnership is committed to finding the right roles for talented candidates. We are a leading name in marketing recruitment and have significant marketing recruitment experience working with brand management, communications, category management and insight / research specialists. If you would like to discuss this role, or any other roles that might be suitable, please e-mail or call one of the team now on 020 7849 6875.

If you don’t feel this role is quite right for you but think you know someone who might be suitable do please pass this advert on. We do offer a recommend a friend scheme and you could receive £200 of John Lewis vouchers should your recommended friend be offered and accept the role.

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M: +44 (0) 7774 675222

How Bill McLaren helped me learn 120 names!

1 September, 2015

Over the years I have developed quite a reputation on the speaking “circuit” as someone who has a “good memory” for names…  I always deny this!  I prefer to say I have a “good imagination” – and that I use a “system” – allied to hard work to make it look easy! The truth is … anyone can remember anything if they a) pay attention b) use their imagination to encode the information and c) review it frequently.

I will develop the techniques I use in more detail in future blogs – but here is how I used the above to learn the names of all the delegates at a recent conference, attended by delegates from 20 countries – before I had met them!

I had been invited to act as conference host, and in my pre-event preparation had been sent a delegate list. While I always read these to be familiar with everyone’s name – on this occasion I saw that the names were all accompanied with a thumbnail photo. As a challenge – I decided I would undertake to commit them all to memory before the conference! Totally unnecessary of course … and certainly not in my job brief – but I always enjoy pushing the boundaries and “adding value” wherever possible – which is part of my “under promise – over deliver” philosophy!

I used a technique that I had read about – and seen on a documentary – which the legendary Scottish rugby union commentator Bill McLaren would use to learn the names of all the players and replacements involved in a match.  Bill would write each name on a separate blank card –  together with any information about the player – and on the other side he would write their playing number.  He would shuffle the cards so they were in a random order and then deal through them with only the numbers showing and try to recall the player’s name and details on the other side. By constant repetition he would eventually come to know instantly which number referred to which player – together with the biographical information relating to their physique and playing career. Thus when he was commentating he could seamlessly describe a passage of play without hesitation. To the viewer it seemed “effortless” – but in reality it took great effort and hard work to make it seem so! Sadly Bill passed away in 2010.

Bill also used to write out all the information on one large sheet of paper – colour coded – so he could also see it all at a glance. Today we would call it a “spreadsheet” – however his family simply referred to them as “Bill’s Big Sheets”. Replicas of these are collectors items, and are sold to raise funds for the Bill McLaren Foundation – a link to which is at the bottom of this post.

So what I did was to cut out all the thumbnail pics of the delegates – and on the other side write down the name, country and company of the person pictured.  Then I would deal through them looking at the faces and try to remember their names. (I used some memory techniques to make this easier – see later posts for details!) It was slow at first – but gradually I built up speed so that I could deal out the pictures without hesitation (like my hero Bill!) and call the names as I did so!  I repeated this over a few days – and in moments of “dead” time – in the passenger seat travelling to the airport, waiting in queues, in flight and so on.

By the time the conference started – I knew everyone!  I used this subtly …  and did not make a “thing” of it. So when (for example) we were doing Q&A and someone put their hand up – I would mention their name – and where they were from – and then proceed as normal with the question. I would also use their names if I met them around the conference venue – at coffee time, in the lift, and at social events. Gradually it dawned on everyone that it was not just a few names I knew – but everyone – and as you can imagine this became quite a talking point during the conference! So thanks Bill!

Here is an extract from the Bill McLaren Foundation website:
“Bill was the best commentator the game has ever seen … his commentary genius was no ‘fluke’ as he spent hours in preparation learning everything there was to know about the game, players, referee, groundsman, team doctor, stadium and so on.

On the run up to every game Bill would start with a large blank piece of paper to which he added every detail to the match. In his office at home Bill created a database of players, officials, grounds etc and added this detail to create the work of art that his family call ‘Bill’s Big Sheets’. If Bill had no or little information he would often phone a player at home asking for height, weight, names of brothers and sisters, nicknames, and even what your favourite food was. Even if a phone call was not possible Bill would attend training sessions putting faces to names and also provide the player data with a impromptu interview with the famous Hawick Balls used as a bribe.”

Former Scottish International John Beattie (now a BBC presenter) also wrote the following in a tribute following Bill’s death in 2010:

“…Then his eyes went back down to his homework and that pack of shuffled cards that was his tool to make numbers become names; “Vaccari to Troncon…” It was astonishing.

To listen to his voice, a voice which could be operatic at times, was to understand half the story. You had to see the work he put in to each commentary.

He would watch teams train and then produce a huge sheet with facts, figures, try data, an opener, two closers and phrases all written by hand in multiple colours of ballpoint ink.

He sat up late at night in his room practising, learning and studying.”

So in conclusion, what I liked about Bill was not just his passion for the game and his wonderful turn of phrase, but the fact that he wasn’t known overtly as a “memory man” – just as an incredibly professional and knowledgeable commentator. What the above shows however  – is that this was only achieved through dedication, hard work and having a system – in other words his art was to conceal the art. A true inspiration!

Visit the Bill McLaren Founation (where you can also see samples from some of his “Big Sheets”).

Also check out my Hosting Case Studies – and take a look at what others have said about my hosting skills!

If you are looking for a speaker or conference host to ensure the success of your next event – please get in touch!

Office:  +44 1453 828568
Mobile: +44 7774 675222

Also check out the Case Study describing my recent talk on “Memory Skills for Business” !

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    "I also cannot save the articles and here is the error I got
    500 - An error has occurred!"

    Easy cake - I was thinking, but after checking his account, discovered, that all settings described on that article (namely the collation settings in database) where correct.

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    This tip explains how to move your configuration.php file outside of your webroot as well as making it unwritable by the server. That makes it nearly impossible for someone to corrupt or gain access to the information in the file.