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Toxic Connections

I know I haven’t been posting as much as I should. Instagram has practically become my blog and that’s really where all of the action is at. I have tried redesigning my blog to give me a little boost but after several failed attempts this weekend I realized my blog is fine the way it is. I was going to give it a clean white simple look but I am not simple, I am colorful, creative, artistic, and funky. I realize that it’s not my blog that’s the problem, I’ve just been doing this for so long that I am ready for the next step. What that is, well I don’t really know but I plan to find out.

Before I left to New York for a few weeks I told you guys something very personal. I was having non-stop anxiety attacks. They were completely paralyzing and affecting me terribly. Lots of people had no idea this was going on. I thought it may have been some kind of PTSD from past traumas but really…I had been seeing someone (a past love I wasn’t public about because well people are nosey and creeps) and thought that maybe since we had a history and I have had such shitty things happen to me in my other relationships in the past that maybe my fear was getting the best of me. I thought “Oh, I’m just afraid he’s going to hurt me like he did in the past, like everyone else did” and you know that may have been true because eventually he did.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Not to the extent of most emotionally abusive cases but abuse is abuse. I often thought I was crazy because of the mixed signals, the false promises, the push and pulling, and the games. And gosh, Emotional abuse sounds so severe! But abuse can be so subtle and hurt just like physical abuse. This relationship and all of the mixed signals were making me feel physically sick (that’s what some anxiety attacks feel like) and here I was trying to figure out if it was my eating habits or hormones. I was losing myself. My family and friends started to notice. My compassion for this person made me stick around and forget to be kind to myself, made me forget to honor myself, and set boundaries. He was just “going through so much” that he couldn’t commit to me and this is exactly what some guys do to keep a girl around. Especially when they see a heart as big as mine. Then when you confront them about the things they are doing wrong, they just gaslight your concerns and manipulate you into thinking you are the problem. What did I want? What were my concerns? I want the things people take for granted. I wanted real conversations, not small talk texts. I wanted real love, not half-assed affection. I wanted a friend, not someone selfish who only thinks about himself. I didn’t want materialistic things I could get on my own, I wanted a companionship. He made me feel as if those things I needed to be happy were so difficult. And maybe they were for a guy like him. So what did I do? I tip toed around my needs/issues with him. I often tried to ignore them thinking I could compromise. I was patient and waited for him to change. Why? Because I loved him.

How could I receive so little and think these were such grand gestures? I didn’t love myself enough. After 5 months of seeing little progress I knew this was going nowhere. I realized this person was never going to be the man I imagined him to be, or the man he pretended to be. He pretended to be a King but he was really the court jester. Our romance or whatever you want to call it, was the joke. He was just using me and stringing me along. Why? I will never know. I couldn’t possibly do that to someone I love, even someone I don’t love. He was never going to change. People don’t change unless they truly want to change. Now this isn’t a post to bash the guy, because even after all the bullshit I went through, I still wish him well. I don’t forgive him but I’m not dragging that horse around. There are sooo few women like me. In this era, this dating apocalypse, so I am aware of my significance and how valuable my kind of love is and I can’t waste it on someone who doesn’t deserve it or rejects it. I now understand my kind of love isn’t for every body and that’s ok. The right man will gladly rise to the occasion.

I wrote this post to shed light on emotionally abusive relationships because I wish I would have read something like this 6 months ago when I was going through this. I am hoping this will help someone who may be going through this right now. This is about the “I love you one day–I hate you the next” kinds of people who like to string people along to feed some part of their ego. I know its hard to believe people like this exist but they do and they are only loyal to their need of you, their need for you to love them because they don’t love themselves. And their best victims are those who love them.

I’ve been through this so many times with him that this time around felt like light work. Its been 7 years of this back and forth business. This behavior was old news. And he always came around when I was at my happiest. Its like Mr.Big always showing up when Carrie was happy via SATC. Its like some radar goes off- “Jasmin might be happy, its time to sweep in and shit all over it!.” See my point below by watching that infamous scene that embodies my situation entirely.

  My sister called him Mr.Big but the truth is, I don’t want a Mr.Big. I want an Aiden. He really loved Carrie and was a man of his word. He wasn’t indecisive, he knew what he wanted; he wanted Carrie. I’m all or nothing. I don’t have time to play games. Big was a coward, he’d just disappear leaving Carrie to wonder what happened only to show up again. This is what happened to me. Sometimes you don’t know how far you have come until someone hurts you and you don’t really feel it anymore. I took a week to grieve after I cut the cancer and after that I lived my life. It isn’t to say that I didn’t spend the following weeks full of rage. Oh I felt it. I felt so much rage I eventually went numb until I felt nothing anymore. But weirdly, with all of my rage, I was still happy. Not sure if that makes any sense. I guess I just distracted myself so much with the things that made me happy that I never really had time to think about the things that made me mad. I just stuffed it down till it didn’t exist anymore and what could have ended up being a terrible trip to NY ended up being one of the best trips home I have had since I moved to Vegas. Leaving that situation was me honoring myself, me learning to really love myself and maybe letting go for good was the medicine I needed to really move forward in life.

I’m not going to get into more details about what I have been though with this dude. I am just addressing the emotional abuse and selfishness of this relationship. You have to be with someone who brings out the best in you. He brought out the WORST in me and I was in denial for a long time. It wasn’t until my best friend sent me a video about abuse in relationships that I realized, holy shit, I am dealing with an emotionally abusive person. We focus so much on infidelity, and not being physically abused that we forget about emotional abuse and how it can have the same impact. I then started doing research about gas lighting and my mind was blown. This is when the manipulator makes the victim believe they are crazy or overreacting when expressing a concern. My friends told me, my mom told me, they all told me I had to let go and finally I did. But I had to see it for myself. And you want to know the best part? I haven’t had one single anxiety attack since I walked away.

I mean, even my skin is glowing!

The problem wasn’t my history of bad relationships or my fear of getting into a new one and being hurt again, the problem was that I was in a toxic relationship…one I allowed into my life. And crazy thing is he probably had no idea how badly he was affecting me. Most people don’t see how their actions affect others. This persons indecisive and inconsiderate way of dealing with my feelings, his false promises, his lack of effort, his push and pull game playing, and his selfishness eventually led to the demise of whatever it was he had. Those anxiety attacks were red flags I ignored. My body was reacting to me ignoring my intuition. My intuition was telling me to cut the cancer. And here I was being compassionate, loving, nurturing, respectful, and loyal. I thought that since he was supposedly having a hard time with life that I needed to save him from whatever was bringing him down…But really in trying to save him from drowning, he was drowning me and trying to save himself.

Sometimes the most toxic person in your life can be the person closest to you. It can be your friend, your family, your lover, your job. They can be the person you love so much you spend your time making excuses for them, even blaming yourself when things go wrong. So you tip toe around your wants and needs and you put yourself last. People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. I gave him the ammo to hurt me. I let him continue to hurt me and so he kept doing it. It was MY fault.

But Bob Marly said it best..”The biggest coward is a man who awakens a womans love with no intention of loving her” and this heart is no place for a coward. Your heart shouldn’t be a place for one either.

Now, I am happy. Truly happy. No anxiety attacks. No depression. No riddles. No Games. And here I thought I’d come back to Vegas depressed and broken.

If you aren’t sure where your relationship stands with someone you need to pay attention to how they make YOU FEEL. Or read this-

12 Traits of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

I feel oddly — perhaps disturbingly — lucky and certainly thankful that I do not have any extreme tales of abuse to report.

But, abuse can also be extremely subtle. It is often insidious: You go from thinking you are falling in love to wondering why all of the “problems” in your new relationship seem to be your fault, and have no clear idea of how you got from point A to point B.

Perhaps you blame it on not having been in a relationship for a while; you decide you simply forgot how to be in a relationship.

You assume — you convince yourself — you have become selfish because you have unrealistic wants and needs (like the need for unwavering, enduring respect and honesty).”–Christina Berchini

Have compassion for those going through hard times but never forget to still set boundaries and focus on yourself too. We all have problems but it’s no excuse to hurt others for our own selfish gain.

Actions really do speak louder than words. Please pay close attention. It doesn’t matter what he says to you. My guy and I spoke about marriage, running of to Paris, the whole 9. It wasn’t until I started to pay more attention to his actions that I came to terms with everything. I was able to see clearly and realize this person doesn’t really care and is probably blowing smoke up my ass. Now I only believe in what I see.

Don’t be that girl who wants a Mr.Big, the charming indecisive guy who has commitment issues who shows up only when you are happy to shit all over your happiness. Go for an Aiden, someone who knows what he wants, has his life together, and really loved Carrie. I was always mad at her for cheating on him and leaving him lol. Often we romanticize the wrong characters on these shows and movies. I may have made that mistake in real life.

“Do not make my mistakes, younger self. Your life — whether you are in college, recently graduated or watching your 20s come to a crashing end — is much more wisely spent working on your academic, professional and personal successes than it is falling victim to someone’s seductive effort to manipulate and abuse your world.”-Christina Berchini

Even after all I have been through, I have no regrets. I gave the guy a chance to prove this time was different and even though to some extent it wasn’t, It kinda was..because I was able to finally close this chapter knowing I gave it all I got. He just isn’t the right person for me. Not everything we think we want deserves us.

Sometimes it takes getting hurt to grow and I learned so much. I learned that I didn’t love myself enough. I learned that my wants and needs are important. I learned to never forget to have compassion for myself by being compassionate for someone else. I learned to pay attention to what people DO and not what they say. I learned that no one should ever make me feel like loving me is a burden. Most importantly, I learned that people will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. In writing this post I realize that I need to forgive myself because I played a part in this (regardless of his own faults) but you can’t shame yourself for loving the wrong people. It’s a waste of time. Since then my main focus has been on myself. I have no desire to be in a relationship. I am not closed off to the idea and I won’t stop a connection if it happens. However, right now all I want to do is enjoy the last of my 20s. I want to travel, have fun with my friends, work on new creative projects, and just enjoy life until someone shows me they are different and worthy of my time, love, and affection. I know there are good guys out there, the REAL good guys, it’s just the wolves in dapper clothing that ruin it for them. My time needs to be spent on me until I find someone who meets me on the bridge.

Hopefully it will be a bridge in Paris 😉 ❤

Know your worth.

Love you,

17 Comments on “Toxic Connections

  1. Gaslighting is a real thing. Go on a self-love trip to Paris and Treat yourself to Paris without a man who can’t offer it to you.

    Always reading,
    Maria G.

  2. THIS!!! I can’t tell you how similar my situation is, and everything you explained is exactly as what I have been going through-even up to the anxiety attacks and depression. And you are more than correct when you said that your body was reacting this way to the poison in your life that was disguised by a man-I never thought of it that way! Mind=blown! I just recently walked away from a 15+ year relationship that was similar to what you described. I can’t thank you enough for putting your personal experience out here and sharing your story. You are an incredible woman, and I will always be a fan of you and your work. Love and blessings to you always, Jasmin.

  3. In time everything will fall into place. It usually happens when you are not expecting it. Glad you will take more time to Focus on yourself and your happiness. We miss you and need you back. Beautifully written.

  4. Happy you figured this out and are feeling much better. Good Luck for the future and treat yourself right, ok? XO

  5. I want you to know that this is beautifully written through so much pain. Having a nurturing heart can come at a high price when its not valued by one’s self. Thank you for these words, this reminder to know my worth.
    My hope is that you keep writing, painting expressing yourself. You never know who’s reading it, and needed it.
    Mad love,
    Leslie Yussette

  6. I had a Mr. Big for 4 years after my divorce. I should have realized I was too wounded from the physical and emotional abuse my ex husband put me through to start dating…. but being a newly single mom was lonely. Same story, he strung me along, but never committed. I tried walking away after 2 years of hot and cold signals. But then he told me he loved me, and who doesn’t want to believe that they’re loved? I tried dating other guys, and once he caught wind he would pop up again. …like a total Mr. Big! Ughhhh, I messed up things with some really nice guys because of him. Finally one day of realizing that the fantasy of our “relationship” because that’s just what it was…..a fantasy, it was not real, I was absolutely done. I blocked his number and him off social media, and you better believe he tried pressing me….he prob thought it was biz as usual and that I would give in. Long story short, it took a good 6 months of dodging him and focusing on me and learning that self love is priority to any type of love to be ready for real love!!!! I started dating again and met my boyfriend who is amazing. It took no time for him to make us official, and he is a man of his word!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!! My friend posted this on FB and reading it reminded me of my journey in this thing called love as well as appreciate the growth I experienced. One day your going to look back at this time, with a smile and be thankful for your journey too. Stay strong! XOXO

    • Thank you for sharing your experience Letty<3 His loss, because I know you and I know how gorgeous and lovely you are! I am so happy you found someone who adores you and loves you how you should be loved, it gives me hope ❤ XOXO

  7. I am so sorry for your pain and suffering at the hands of a truly terrible person.Everyone deserves to have someone love them for who they are, period. No games, no lies or misrepresentation. This was so beautifully written and I know it had to be difficult to write. However, by doing so you are helping others that may be in the same situation and they don’t even realize it. You are such a gift.

  8. Powerful post. Thank you so much for sharing. It can be so difficult when you’re in a situation to figure out what’s the truth and what’s in your head. Xo

  9. Thank you so much for putting your experience out there, it was very well said and everything was on point with a past relationship I was in. All of the making excuses for him to bringing out the utter worst in me, I was just making excuses to myself and felt that I could be the one to save him, like it was some sort of life’s mission, ugh. If I could travel back in time and hand this advice to myself, I would. I eventually went to therapy and got out the anger and hurt but unfortunately the experience left some deep, unconscious scars making it difficult for me to initiate any type of physical affection or contact in the relationships afterwords because I was never “allowed to” with him. It’s been 5 years since the final breakup and I’m now married to a man that treats me like a goddess. I love him with everything I have and he loves me right back with everything he has. Being with him has helped the intense, physical fear of rejection start to chip away. I feel like I can spontaneously hug or kiss him without the apprehension I once felt. Emotional abuse can have a lasting effect but with time and love it can be conquered.

  10. Incredible read, thank you for being so honest and open with a personal situation. And thank you for being strong and realising your worth!

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Word on Wicker: All About Baskets

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> Wicker is not a material on its own, but rather a technique for making products by weaving or braiding twigs, plants stalks, or synthetic materials. Here’s a list of the most common wicker types:

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Genesee County Blog

Check out our blog for hand-selected things to see and do in Genesee County direct from the experts

American-Made at The Batavia Bootery

Downtown Batavia has added a new store to its Main Street - the Batavia Bootery. Nestled between Main Street Pizza and City Church, the store was opened in April of 2017 and brought a retail shoe store back into downtown.

The Bootery’s purpose is a simple one – American-made shoes done well. And that they do. They are Batavia’s only high-end footwear center and each shoe is lovingly crafted. With rows of polished dress shoes, hearty work boots, and casual shoes for everything in between, the Bootery is like a step back in time. The store is reminiscent of years gone by, when streets and airports were lined with shoe polishing stations, there was never an occasion needed to dress up, and locally-made goods were the best of the best.

The Bootery is all about local – it’s in their founder’s history. They’re the flagship retail location for a partnership between P.W. Minor and Charles Men’s shop, two Batavia staples that know a thing or two about American-made goods. P.W Minor was founded in 1867 and is the oldest women's shoe manufacturer in the U.S., with all products produced at the manufacturing facility right here in Batavia, NY. Charles Men's Shop, Inc. has been Batavia family owned & operated since 1947.

On any trip to Batavia, stopping by the Bootery is a must. Upon walking in the door, you’ll be greeted by a friendly, knowledgeable, (and shoe-loving) employee, happy to help you find the perfect shoe for any occasion. Take your time – the Bootery believes finding the right shoe should be an enjoyable experience – and be sure to admire the craftsmanship and detail that goes into each item. The Bootery also has a line of specially crafted shoes with orthopedic support, so you never have to compromise style for comfort.

Batavia Bootery is a small shop on main street with a long history of locally made goods to keep you stylish. Every trip to the store will leave you satisfied with the service, and possibly wondering just how many shoes you can fit in your closet at home…

Check out the Bootery’s website for photos, hours and the contact form and their Facebook for sales, deals, and store updates. The Batavia Bootery is located at 210 E Main Street in Batavia NY.


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Milner Dam is one of the earliest on the Snake River and made farming possible in the high desert around Twin Falls and Burley.

A recreation area near the dam offers interpretive signs, a campground and water. Day-use facilities along the reservoir include boat ramps, docks, picnic tables, fire pits and vault toilets. Anglers may want to try their hand at catching catfish. Idaho Power and Milner Dam Inc., annually stock the reservoir with thousands of 6- to 8-inch channel catfish. Oregon trail ruts can be seen in the area, too.

Trip Itineraries

Mogensen Trail Snake River Canyon

Mogensen Trail is conveniently located minutes from Twin Falls and Jerome. Enjoy waterfalls, bridges, BASE jumpers, and more on this peaceful hike!

Box Canyon State Park and Nature Preserve

Earl M. Hardy Box Canyon Springs Nature Preserve is a sight to be seen. Being the 11th largest spring in ...

The Ultimate Waterfalls Guide

Chasing waterfalls? The ultimate waterfall guide of Southern Idaho will give you directions, advice, and other facts about epic waterfall adventures!

Explore the Secrets of Black Magic Canyon

The smooth rock walls of Black Magic Canyon, carved by the Big Wood River thousands of years ago, provide an Arizona slot canyon aesthetic. In the summer, the water carves through the lava rocks, hiding it as if it didn't exist. But in the fall and winter - there is epic exploring to be done!

Top 10 Spring Break Destinations

Explore Southern Idaho's 10 best Spring Break locations! Who needs the beach when you have snow covered mountains and waterfalls to see?

Brewery Hopping in Southern Idaho

Taste amazing beers throughout Southern Idaho. Start in Buhl, Idaho at Magic Valley, and make your way to Twin Falls for three more brew pubs! Koto, Milner's Gate, and Von Schiedt!

Blaze Your Own Trail This Winter

Snowmobiling is one of winter’s great joys, and Southern Idaho calls you to blaze your own trail.

Ice Climbing: A Winter Pastime For the Very Brave

She offers physical challenges for anyone willing to seek them — but saves her most daredevil opportunities for winter.

Frozen Waterfalls and Ice Climbing

Chasing waterfalls has taken on a whole new meaning in Southern Idaho. Discover frozen waterfalls this winter season!

Snowshoe the City of Rocks for Epic Views

Ready to cross snow shoeing off your bucket list? The City of Rocks National Reserve is the place to do ...


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ACA Repeal and Replace Process Gets Underway

moran4This post contributed by ACR Executive Vice President of Government Relations, Economics and Health Policy Cindy Moran.

President Donald Trump is working to make good on his campaign promise to repeal and replace Obamacare as defined in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (ACA).

Trump has issued an executive order urging federal agencies, within the limits of current law, to scale back regulations created by the ACA. And other options are open to the Trump administration before Congress addresses his pledge to repeal and replace the program.

Actions could start at the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and the Internal Revenue Service if they no longer pursue enforcement of the individual mandate that requires most legal residents to have health insurance. The requirement is widely seen by ACA supporters as essential for generating enough revenue from healthy Americans to offset the costs of treating people who require care. The administration could also eliminate or elect to not enforce the employer mandate that requires businesses to provide insurance coverage as long as they have greater than 50 employees.

Trump could also instruct the Justice Department to drop the Obama administration’s appeal of House v. Burwell. A district court judge previously ruled that many expenditures not formally approved by Congress to reimburse health insurers for covering the working poor were unconstitutional.

With respect to essential health benefits, HHS might decide to lessen the minimum types of services insurers are required to provide patients via new regulations that would ultimately be supported by the Trump administration.

Again, this process is just beginning. The ACR continues to work with those in Congress and regulatory agencies to ensure that radiology’s voice is heard throughout the effort to potentially repeal and replace the ACA.

We also continue to address MACRA, clinical decision support implementation, continued full coverage for cancer screening exams and preventative care, Medicare CT colonography coverage, and a host of radiology-specific issues on Capitol Hill and in state houses nationwide.

The ACR will continue to inform members of developments regarding ACA repeal and replace or any other issue affecting radiology in the weeks, months and years ahead.

In the meantime, please monitor the Advocacy in Action e-newsletter and the Advocacy section of the ACR website for additional information on all these pending efforts.

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Radiologists Have a Face (#RadsHaveAFace)

This post was contributed by Nicole Saphier, MD.

FOX News Channel recently asked me to provide ongoing comment on health care policy on their national morning show “Fox & Friends.” As a radiologist and physician, I jumped at the chance. I think physicians should provide public context on important health care issues. And radiologists must reinforce that we are physicians with vital expertise that can help ensure health care reform actually makes care better.

I am not suggesting that every radiologist has the opportunity to be on television every Thursday. However, if we look for opportunities to raise our profile in practices and our communities, we will find them — whether in person or online.

Social media may be a place to start. I have launched a webpage and a Twitter account to maintain the patient and community connections I have made during my career. I created the #RadsHaveAFace hashtag to urge all of us to spend face time with our patients.

I am a breast imaging radiologist. I understand that every radiology discipline may not lend itself to regularly seeing patients, but I will bet that many other radiologists (or at least one on the radiologist team) can make time to see a patient or two. Reinforcing the patient experience is a building block of reinforcing your role as one of “his” or “her” doctor (in the patient’s view).

Offering yourself as an expert interview source is another avenue to higher visibility. Brett Parkinson, MD, and I will share our media expertise at the upcoming ACR/SBI Breast Imaging Symposium in Los Angeles. If you will be at that meeting, and I invite you to check it out.

The ACR provides patient- and family-centered care resources, including a whole series of Imaging 3.0 case studies, to help equip you to engage patients in their care experience.

In the meantime, what do you think are some things that have worked for you to increase your patient interaction or visibility?

Please share your thoughts in the comments section below and join the discussion on Engage (login required).

Who Wouldn’t Want to Be a Radiologist?

This post was contributed by Geraldine B. McGinty, MD, MBA, FACR, vice chair of the American College of Radiology Board of Chancellors.

Dr.McGinty(updated)You don’t have to tell me that it’s great to be a radiologist, but a new CNNMoney/PayScale study did.

The survey declared that being a Radiologist ranks 45th out of 100 occupations as one of the “Best Jobs in America,” with “big growth, great pay and satisfying work.” For me, the most important one is the satisfying work: we are vital to the health care team, providing invaluable services and creating a culture of high-value, patient-centered care.

According to the study, being a Radiologist ranks below Dentist and immediately above Career Counselor. I’m not sure what that says, but the study does project a 10-year job growth of 15 percent for us, ranking the specialty as one of the best career paths to pursue. As an aside, other medical professionals listed include Hospital Administrator (8th), General Practice Physician (75th) and Anesthesiologist (100th).

“Being a strong collaborator is helpful,” notes the study, “since the job often involves consulting with other doctors.” A Radiologist’s quality of life ratings include personal satisfaction (“A”), benefit to society (“A”) and low stress (“B”).

Surveys like this are beneficial since they let others know of the importance and appeal of radiology — hopefully drawing a diverse group of medical students to the specialty.

If you know medical students, please share information about the Nth Dimensions/ACR Radiology Summer Internship Program for first-year gender and ethnic minority students. The application deadline is tight (Jan. 31). Summer interns will work with experienced radiologists, gaining valuable first-hand clinical and research experience.

  • What would you tell medical students — Why are you happy to be a radiologist?
  • How do you rank your quality of life ratings — in personal satisfaction, benefit to society and low stress?
  • How can we get more — and a diverse group — of medical students interested in radiology?

 Please share your thoughts in the comments section below and join the discussion on Engage (login required).