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Understanding: A Habit of the Heart -Habit 5: Seek first to Understand and then to be Understood

Nehemiah 7: 1-5, 66-73 and 3 John 5-8

(The music from Mister Rogers plays)

Does that music bring a smile to your face? Perhaps it brings back memories of watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood with younger siblings, or children, or both! It was on the air from 1968-2001 bringing caring, laughter and honest conversation to children and parents for many years. Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood taught children that our feelings are okay. That we are all special, just the way we are. And how to care about people who look differently or act differently than we do. It began with his honest curiosity and caring for people. He was a good listener, and wanted to understand others. Mister Rogers taught a lot of us how to listen, understand, and care.

LISTENING is important. It is also something of a lost art. While listening is one of the four primary forms of communication, we all could improve on this skill. “We speak with more than our mouths, We listen with more than our ears.”[i] When we do listen, we learn more and deepen our relationships.

Nehemiah really listens to the concerns of the people all through the story. He listens because he cares – and he needs to understand in order to figure out a solution to the problems. As a result of his listening to the poor in the city, he confronts the officials and demands that they repay interest and give back lands they have taken. As a result of listening to concerns on what Sanballat and Tobias are planning, he arms the people and has half stand watch while the other half build. In the process of listening and finding out what the problems are, he is building trust and relationships with the people.

We are often too ready to jump in with a solution. Marriage counselors point to this tendency as a leading reason for poor communication. The need to jump to a solution impairs our relationships because often we just want to be understood. In our partnerships, jumping to a solution makes the other person feel that they are a failure, that their partner wouldn't have this problem because they would have handled things differently, With our kids we move too quickly to, “When I was your age…” stories as if our story is definitive – instead of listening to what is going on with them. But we ask questions, we learn more and we empower the other person to figure out their own answers.

There are actually 5 POOR listening styles – see if you can remember when you have done any of these. 1. Spacing out – or tuning out. Maybe when someone is talking on the phone about something you really don’t care about. 2. Pretend listening – umhmmm….perhaps when we are going over what we need to do in our heads. 3. Selective listening – I heard you say what was my snack, but I didn’t hear anything about chores. 4. Word listening is listening to the words, but ignoring the body language or emotions being expressed. 5. Self-centered listening – when you hear what is being said from your own point of view. And often we listen just enough to know when we can jump in with what we want to say. Our enthusiasm to help “fix” something or share our experience “overrules our empathy and we fail to listen well.”[ii]

OPTOMETRIST -- Stephen Covey gives the example of an optometrist might respond to a patient complaining that they can’t see well with their glasses with, “Here, try mine,” instead of working on an actual prescription. Just as everyone of us with glasses has a unique prescription, so our situations and stories and unique and ONE SIZE – or MY SIZE won’t fit all.

TURTLE AND SKUNK. Some therapists have described two basic personality types, and we often marry our opposite. TURTLE is the personality that when feeling threatened, tends to pull into itself. SKUNK is different. When it feels threatened, it sprays. The challenge is in how they interact. The more a turtle hides, the more a skunk sprays. And the more a skunk sprays, the more a turtle hides. But notice that listening isn’t happening here. If a turtle hides behind a closed door and a skunk demands to have a conversation – we don’t have a fertile ground for real conversation. Both need to listen differently than their natural behavior suggests.

Genuine Listening or Empathetic Listening is much more focused on the other person. It means paying attention with your eyes, your heart and your ears. Listening to words isn’t enough because only (7%) of communication is the words we use. The rest is how we say words to express our feelings -- tone (40%) and body language (52%) and attending to these will help us better understand what the other person is trying to communicate. This is TRUE listening…listening that brings out the best in ourselves and others. It is listening to UNDERSTAND.

Finding ways to understand is incredibly important. The deepest need of the human heart is a longing to be understood. Understanding connects us at a heart level, where we see and appreciate each other as unique human beings. To accomplish this, we have to move out of our own autobiography and engage deeply with another person. This depth of engagement with another has the capacity to transform our relationships, because through listening to understand, we learn what it is like to walk around in someone else's skin.[iii] Understanding is a posture of the heart. It is a bit risky because in truly listening, open ourselves to new ways of perceiving the world – and new ideas. [iv]

When we understand, we don’t judge. Judging others is a human problem – but more: it is “fundamentally incompatible with authentic Christian faith.” Jesus said that Christians should be known by our love, for how deeply we love – not how deeply we judge.” Love and judgment rarely coexist. If judgment is around, it almost guarantees an absence of love. “You can’t judge someone and love someone at the same time.”[v] Love and help seem to come from understanding – while judgment does not. Understanding is a posture of the heart.

TRAIN. On a fairly full train, a man and his five children got on. The children were noisy and rowdy and the man didn’t seem to notice. The rest of the passengers were getting visibly annoyed, and finally someone said something to the man. “Sir, your children are a bit wild and other people are beginning to get annoyed. Can you speak to them?” The man looked up and saw his children. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t noticed. I guess I should speak to them. We just left the hospital where my wife, their mother died. I wasn’t really paying attention to their behavior.” Enough people overheard his statement that several people in the car reached out to engage the children in conversation and versions of “The alphabet game” until the family reached their stop. Understanding led to kindness rather than judgment. Understanding is a posture of the heart.

Letting go of judgment frees us for understanding and relationship. But it begins with truly listening and understanding each other.

Research shows that if two people in the midst of a conflict take time to really hear each other, that they develop a closer relationship. Listening and understanding enables them to see each other more favorably, even though they still disagree. Psychologist Arthur Aron developed 36 questions to create emotional closeness even with strangers. And in deeply sharing, deeply listening, strangers became friends and one couple fell in love. Understanding is a posture of the heart. If we listen, we learn, we understand, and we deepen our relationships.

(Why it matters) Significant relationships meet our deepest human needs. Good Relationships free us to be more authentically who we are. Strong relationships even free us to explore new possibilities we had previously been afraid to try. Building these authentic relationships takes effort. Caring relationships are also one of the marks of the Body of Christ.

Early Church. In the early church, a secular historian remarked, “Look how they love one another!” We’ve read some passages in the Epistles that indicate that they had a lot of disagreements. But they learned that conflict doesn’t preclude caring for one another.

Significant relationships mean developing real understanding, even when we disagree, even across different assumptions, patterns, or traditions. Caring has to come first. And in this deep level of sharing, we have to become vulnerable. We have to listen with more than our ears. We have to share our stories and dreams and intentionally be vulnerable enough to each other to develop deep relationships. We have to learn to love others, even with their quirks and in their differences.

Seeking first to understand and then to be understood means listening first. Caring first. We can probably all think of a stories or two of times that we had a misunderstanding of expectations in a close relationship that led to hurt. Deeply listening to the other person will help us move past the hurt --- because people who love us do not mean to hurt us. And those conversations deepen the understanding, which deepens the relationships.

Imagine what it would be like if someone writing to us today wrote the words from our Epistle reading this morning: “You meet the needs of your brothers and sisters, even strangers. They speak highly of your love.”[vi] Imagine if we were known for the love we show each other and our community!

In our Mission Statement workshops in February, on the 7th and 21st, we will work towards clarifying our goals and expectations – so that in those times of misunderstanding in the church, there is something to be the compass to help us keep moving forward. There are fewer of those occasions with a Mission Statement that is visited regularly because we tend to act on our principles instead of emotions or circumstances.

The effort it takes is worth it. Significant relationships are worth cultivating because they meet our deepest human needs. And free us to each other and for new possibilities.

In order to have healthy relationships, in order to deepen our relationships, we need strong listening skills.

Listening, truly listening is important to our relationships. The Understanding of the heart can help us deepen our relationships and help us be the Body of Christ for each other. We can let go of Judgement in order to love and help each other. These relationships meet our deepest human needs so that we can be vulnerable to each other and the Spirit of God in the next habit, SYNERGY.

[i] Fred Rogers. [ii] Anita Knight Kuhnley, The Mister Rogers Effect. 42. [iii] Kuhnlet, 43. [iv] Carey Nieuwhof, “5 Ways Judgmental Christians are Killing Your Church.” [v] Nieuwhof. [vi] 3 John 5-8.

Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash


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English Lads: Patrick O’Brien

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five9 forbes

Five9 Recognized by Forbes as a 2017 Most Trustworthy Company in America

It’s one thing to talk the talk, but at Five9, we’re even prouder to walk the walk. That’s why we’re humbled and honored to be named one of Forbes’ Most Trustworthy Companies in America for 2017.

Every year, Forbes and MSCI ESG Research – a provider of market indexes and equity portfolio analysis tools – look at 2,300 non-financial U.S. companies that rate the most trustworthy based on accounting and governance practices. The companies on this list have consistently rated highly in Accounting and Governance Risk (AGR) scoring and are considered truly trustworthy.

Five9 topped the list with a current AGR score of 92 out of 100.

We’re constantly focused on how best we can serve our customers. We believe one way to do that is to be as clear and open with our business as possible. The benefits reaped are two-fold 1) our customers feel invested in what we have to offer and 2) they trust us.

Under our CEO Mike Burkland’s leadership, for example, Five9 has experienced no revenue decline for the last 37 quarters. That’s something we are proud of – and we’re even happier to share these types of milestones with our Five9 community, customers and partners, without whom success would not be possible.

And we strive for this: we will always put our customers first. They’re who we’re thinking of when we consider product features, partnerships and industry challenges. This Forbes recognition only underscores how important transparency is with our customers – after all, it’s what makes us truly trustworthy. And we couldn’t be happier to continue serving them in the best way possible.

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Call 1-800-553-8159 to learn more about Five9


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25 Jan 2017

I have had the pleasure and honor to work with Mr. Mike Wilk and the entire Five Rings Financial organization for over five years now. I cannot say enough good things about their approach to putting the client needs and financial goals first. Their commitment to creating a sound financial plan, tailored to meet the clients long and short term objectives, is what they do so well. I have always found Mike Wilk, the President and CEO of Five Rings, to not only be a professional but a man of great integrity. His leadership, vision and character permeates throughout the entire organization. In addition to Mike Wilk, the entire Sr. Management Team not only has helped thousands of client’s meet their financial goals but hundreds of others become successful within the industry. I would highly encourage those that are looking to establish a long term plan for financial security to allow the folks at Five Rings Financial show you why they are making a difference in so many people’s lives.

~Bill McLeod Waterstone Mortgage


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Edinburgh Residential Investment

Edinburgh is the ideal city for investors looking to purchase and let high quality properties with excellent returns. We've been helping investors find, purchase, refurbish and manage high-quality properties since 2000.

We provide our clients with a fully integrated property investment service that covers every aspect of buy to let in Edinburgh. Our team includes designers, architects, project managers, surveyors and experienced trades.

Contact Us

Our Focus

We bring expertise, experience and a highly professional approach to residential property investment in Edinburgh. Above all, we are focused on adding value to maximise investment returns and we have consistently achieved superior returns for our clients.

Solid property management company that provides an efficient service

A Malcolm

I have been a landlord with them for over 14 years and have always been extremely happy the service both I and my tenants received

S Harrower

As a landlord being cared for over a 12 year period by The Flat Company I can honestly say that they have exceeded all expectations

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Member Service Representative

Download the full Member Service Representative Job Description (PDF)

Flathead Electric Cooperative, Inc., is currently accepting applications for a Member Service Representative in our Kalispell office.

Duties:  Primary responsibilities include serving as the initial contact for members via phone, walk-in or drive-thru, initiating service to new members, answering a variety of member questions, handle a variety of member account transactions, maintaining files on prospective and active members, collecting deposits and payments.

Apply Now

Prerequisite Skills and Experience:
Education: High School diploma or equivalent.

Job Related Experience: 2 years of experience in a public contact position, preferably with money handling responsibilities.

Computer Skills: Proficient on 10-key and computer, to include Microsoft Office Suite.

Other Qualifications
• Able to work 40 hours a week, with overtime as required.
• Must present a professional appearance at all times.
• Must be organized, accurate, and give strong attention to detail.
• Effective verbal communications skills and legible handwriting is imperative.
• Must have excellent member relations/service skills and be able to relate one-on-one and in group situations; needs to be a team player and able to work with all types of people.
• Must be self-directed and motivated to get things done quickly and without direct supervision.
• Proven ability to maintain complete confidentiality.
• Work schedule as defined by the Union contract, with overtime as required.
• This position is required to join the Union and is covered under the Basic Agreement between F.E.C. and the IBEW Local 768.
• Able to travel occasionally out-of-area and overnight.

All applications should be submitted directly to the Kalispell Job Service or the Human Resource Office, Flathead Electric Cooperative, 2510 US Hwy 2 East, Kalispell, MT 59901. Applicants may also apply online at Questions may be directed to Teresa Miller at 751-4473, or Suzie Wrbelis at (406) 751-4408.

Job Details

Job ID
Current Openings
This is a full-time union position with a starting wage of $17.31/hour with step increases every six months leading to $20.76/hour after 24 months.
April 8, 2019
April 23, 2019


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Articles Posted in Elder Law

The following article by the Senior Directory is aimed at helping you learn options regarding the various payment options for Long-Term Care in a Nursing Home. It is not a Do-It-Yourself guide.  Before doing anything drastic with your assets, consult a Florida Elder Law Attorney who can work out the particulars for your individual situation and make sure everything is filed correctly.

How much does Long Term Care at a Nursing Home cost?

National averages price long-term care facilities at about $250 a day. That comes out to $90,000 a year, which is just for basic care.  Start adding in amenities, like Memory Care for Alzheimer’s patients, and that number quickly starts to rise.  In North Florida the average cost can quickly increase from around $9,700 a month to $20,000 or even $30,000 a month.

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A Durable Power of Attorney is an important document, but sometimes having one can cause problems.

A recent Florida court ruling scored a major win in the fight against elder abuse. The case established that a health care proxy does not have the authority to waive the right to jury trial and bind a person to a contract.

The case is Hugh Moen v. Bradenton Council on Aging LLC, where the defendants, the nursing home, filed motions to dismiss and to compel binding arbitration.  The plaintiff, Moen, was the personal representative of the estate of Norma Silverthrone, appealed the order granting the motions to dismiss.  The appeals court sided with the personal representative.

Background on The Case

Norma Silverthorne was admitted to a nursing home in 2013.  Her daughter, Susan Moen, accepted a health care proxy designation on her mother’s behalf. Norma never executed a durable power of attorney in her daughter’s favor.  Susan signed the nursing home’s admission agreement, which contained a “Voluntary Arbitration Agreement.”
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Warning Signs of Financial Abuse of the Elderly

Studies show that financial abuse of the elderly is a growing problem throughout the United States and especially here in Florida.  The overall population is aging, and persons over 65 years old control about one-third of the wealth in the United States.   This creates a big problem when you consider this group is much more susceptible to abuse due to health problems like dementia.

Estimates show that Americans loose nearly $3 billion a year due to financial abuse of the elderly from friends, loved ones, or even strangers.  This abuse comes in the form of financial abuse, scams, and other types of exploitation. The worst part is this type of financial abuse of the elderly is that it usually goes undiscovered until all an elder’s money is gone.

How To Protect Against Elder Abuse

A Senate Special Committee on Aging had a hearing in November of 2016, which allowed experts to testify that elder abuse is still a growing problem in the United States.  The experts testified that over 5 million elders, or one in ten seniors, that live at home experience some elder abuse, neglect, or exploitation.

Jaye Martin, the executive director of Maine Legal Services for the Elderly, testified that not only is financial abuse (elder abuse) running rampant, but that the elder abuse is most often perpetrated by family members who are guardians.  This information regarding financial elder abuse was further supported by a report issued by the Government Accountability Office.
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Trusts are one of the most commonly used estate planning tools by Jacksonville estate planning lawyers for a good reason.  A Trust can permit an asset to bypass probate while allowing the original owner the power to control and manage the assets.  A trust can also provide asset protection and make assets exempt from the Medicaid qualification process.  Our Jacksonville estate planning attorneys are often asked about differences between using a trust and an outright gift to a beneficiary.

In most cases, the answer is that it is it better to keep the asset in a trust to reduce income taxes, protect the asset from creditors, and prevent penalties in the case long-term care is needed. We will attempt to explain why in this article   A major purpose of a trust, which can be irrevocable or revocable, is to provide an easy way to transfer ownership of a property when the owner passes away and permit an unlimited step-up in basis without income taxes to the person who receives the items.  Some trusts also provide asset protection or can be designed to protect assets in the case long-term care is needed.  As a person begins to age it can be dangerous and costly to make large outright gifts.  The risks are often specific to the individual and should be discussed with an estate planning or elder law attorney.

One example may be a 65-year-old client who owns a rental home or multiple rental homes.  The homes are primarily rented out to generate income while they appreciate in value.  The client can transfer the property into an asset protection trust.  The trust becomes the owner of the rental property, and the rent and value of the properties can, over time be excluded if the client needs long-term care.  The client can be in charge of their trust and determine how the assets are invested and to whom the funds are given to.

In Florida, Medicaid is a federal and state level program that offers health care assistance to members of the program.  Medicaid is a complicated program that is administered differently on a state-by-state basis.  There are many common misunderstandings regarding Medicaid.  This article will help to debunk some common myths and set the record right.

1) Status of a Home in Florida

FALSE. One common myth is that Florida residents cannot own a home and also qualify for Medicaid.  This is not true.  Florida does place a cap on the amount of gross income and assets a person can own and qualify for Medicaid.  A person with too many assets or income is ineligible to receive Medicaid benefits.

According to recent censuses and polls, experts project Americans that are 65-and-older will double over the next three decades due to a large number of baby boomers.  This means the current population of 65 and older persons should explode from the current rate of 48 million to almost 90 million by 2050.  This is an impressive statistic, but also a worrying statistic because as the population of elders increases, so does the potential for elder abuse.

Florida has one of the highest percentages of elderly residents in the United States, which also means there are more older people that can be abused.

So how does fraud against the elderly occur in Florida?

Several reverse mortgage companies were fined a collective amount of $790,000 for using deceptive advertising that claimed consumers could never lose their homes through a reverse mortgage.

The reverse mortgage firms fined were American Advisors Group, Reverse Mortgage Solutions, and Aegean Financial.  The three firms reached a consent agreement with the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.  The regulators for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau found the ads used by the companies misled consumers.

Specifically, the ads used statements that implied a person could never lose his or her home with a reverse mortgage.  Another ad promised, “ I can show you how to use a government-insured program that allows you to save money, get cash and live payment-free as long as you live in your home.”

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Many Jacksonville Special Needs Trust Lawyers and estate planning lawyers are rejoicing at the fact that the law concerning special needs trusts is about to change for the better.  In Jacksonville, a special needs trust can be of the best tools available for many clients of Jacksonville Special Need Trust Lawyers because it gives a great number of benefits to those that suffer from a disability.

Congress and the president are on the verge of passing The Special Needs Trust Fairness Act.  This act will allow a disabled person to create a special needs trust for himself (a First Person Special Needs Trust).  Previously, the law did not permit a disabled person to form their own special needs trust.

Under the old law, the only way a person could receive a benefit of special needs trust was if he or she had a parent or grandparent, or court order to create the special needs trust.  In Jacksonville, special needs trust lawyers had to jump through costly hoops for those clients without living parents or grandparents.  The only way for these disabled persons to receive this trust is by giving another person guardianship rights or petitioning the court to create the trust.

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The American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012 is still going strong, and there are some changes to the tax code in store for this New Year.  For those who are not familiar with the law, this act made the following permanent: the reunification of the estate and gift tax regimes, the $5 million estate along with the generation skipping transfer tax exemptions, and the portability of the federal estate tax exemption between spouses at death.

The great aspect of The American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012 is that the gift tax exemptions adjust for inflation each year.  In 2017, the federal estate tax exemption will be increased to $5,490,000.  The exemption was $5,450,000 in 2016.   Further, the generation skipping transfer tax exemption has also been increased to $5,490,000.

The more commonly used exemptions are the lifetime gift tax exemption.  The lifetime exemption is the amount a person can give throughout his or her life without paying any federal gift taxes.  In 2017, the rate will now be $5,490,000, which was also increased from $5,450,000 in 2016.  Further, a married couple may combine their lifetime exemptions so the combined estate can give up to $10,980,00.
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Florida Peninsula Insurance has policies in just about every city in Florida Get A Free Quote

Posts Tagged 'Florida Peninsula Insurance Company'

We are pleased to present below all posts tagged with 'Florida Peninsula Insurance Company'. If you still can't find what you are looking for, try using the search box.

How to Identify and Report Insurance Fraud

Florida is one of the leading states in the country for fraud. As a homeowner, you can do your part to identify and report insurance fraud.

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Choosing a Homeowners Insurance Carrier

Florida Peninsula Insurance provides some important information on choosing a homeowners insurance carrier as there are many factors homeowners will want to consider.

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The Importance of Flood Insurance

Updated: April 1, 2020   Flooding is the most common and most costly natural disaster in the United States. Floods can occur for several reasons including storm surge from tropical storms and hurricanes, river overflow, or even heavy rainfall. Every home is at some risk of experiencing flood damage, and surprisingly, only a small percentage of homes are covered by flood insurance.   What is Flood Insurance? Many homeowners believe their home insurance policy covers flood damage; however, a standard home insurance policy does not cover damages caused by floods. A separate flood insurance policy is needed to protect your home and possessions should they be damaged from rising water. You do not need to live in a flood zone to experience flood damage. In fact, FEMA reports roughly 25% of all flood claims come from moderate to low-risk areas and living in Florida, you are at a greater risk to experience flood damage.   If you live in Florida, you need flood insurance. ...

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What Is Personal Property Insurance?

We'll discuss what personal property insurance is and how covered losses impact your coverage so you can choose the right policy.

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Our Top 6 Spring Cleaning Tips for 2020

The task of cleaning your entire home can be daunting. Here are our top 6 spring cleaning tips for 2020 to get you started.

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Water Damage Mitigation – Plumbing

Taking steps to avoid plumbing issues can be quite simple, consider a few of these tips.

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Tips to Take the Stress out of Painting

Consider some of these tips to make your painting experience fun and exciting.

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Safety Tips to Keep Halloween Scare-Free

To make Halloween a Spooktacular time for all, consider these safety tips.

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Revisiting AOB Fraud Ahead of Hurricane Season

Florida Peninsula Insurance Company would like to provide some important information about AOB abuse well before the 2018 Hurricane Season is in full effect.

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Go Green with Florida Peninsula for Earth Day

We encourage our policyholders to celebrate Earth Day along with Florida Peninsula by enrolling in Green Solutions on our website.

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Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas Eve

It's been a fantastic Holiday season this year. We've done so many fun things. It's Christmas Eve and Christmas is almost here!

With all of T's family in town, the kids have no shortage of people to hang out with or things to do. Time to make cookies for Santa! Their cousin Aubrey always makes them down on the ground with them, so the kids can help out every step of the way.

They turned out great! Santa is sure to love them.

The kids have been loving the advent calendar every day.

They're sure to miss getting candy and toys every night after tomorrow.

Being Christmas Eve, you always get to open one present (of mommy's choosing) early.
Ian - It's the Lightning McQueen jammies I wanted!

And Alli got some fun Tsum Tsum jammies.

For the last month we've read a bunch of different Christmas books. On Christmas Eve, we always read the Christmas Story (this year from a children's Bible).

And also The Polar Express. Once we got to the part about "the first gift of Christmas" I had a special surprise for both kids. A sleigh bell!

Before bed we've got to make sure we leave treats by the fireplace. They both picked their favorite cookie that they made earlier.

Ian boldly pouring the milk for Santa all by himself. Alli decided to help.

When the kids visited Santa, he asked them to make sure they left carrots for the reindeer.

Both of them were very excited for Christmas to be coming tomorrow!

Ian did have some concerns that the fire was still burning. I told him that the Prep and Landing elves would take care of it, but he still wanted to have it turned off before he went to bed.

For the last month before bed, we've changed from our usual repertoire of bedtime songs and have started singing Christmas songs.
Along with Christmas Vacation, and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (which they can both sing pretty well), I think The Twelve Days of Christmas is a fun one. They've both learned it pretty well too! Alli especially, only being 2 years old!

Once the kids went down, everyone else settled in. This Disney puzzle is proving to be more difficult than expected.

Tomorrow is Christmas!

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Moving Out

Many students decide to move away from home when they go to university or college. That means choosing a type of student accommodation…and adjusting to life in a new place.

Moving Out.jpg

What types of student accommodation can I choose from?

Lots of people choose to stay at home during all or part of their studies. But if you’ll be moving out, you’ll usually have two main options to choose from:

Moving into ‘halls’ is a popular option, particularly among first year students. Generally it’s cheaper than private accommodation and it’s a great way to make friends from the start of your time as a student.

Halls of residence are usually located close to the campus and comprise several single rooms, with a kitchen and social area shared between a few students. Your chosen university or college will have information about the different halls available to you. Prices will vary depending on the standard of facilities in each. For example, you’ll pay more for a room with a private bathroom than you would if the toilet and shower facilities are shared.

You might also have the option to choose ‘catered halls’ where breakfast and an evening meal are provided for you. Of course, this will cost more than ‘self-catered halls’ where you’ll prepare your own meals.

Wherever you stay, the costs of electricity and heating will be included.

To get a room in halls, you’ll need to complete an application. Places are prioritised for first year, full-time students, particularly those who would be unable to travel easily from home.

Moving into a shared flat with 1 or more other students is an option that many people take. Usually though students do this after their first year of study, often after spending a year in halls. By this stage they’ll probably have made friends that they’d like to share a flat with.

Depending on the number of people you share with, private accommodation is likely to cost a little more than halls of residence because you’ll have to cover the price of bills such as electricity and heating. However, this option does give you a greater feeling of independence…and probably a bit more space and comfort.

Your college or university may be able to advise you on which local landlords are renting suitable accommodation. You’ll be able to search for flats yourself though, through websites like Rightmove and Gumtree. You can either rent from a private landlord or through a ‘letting agency’.

Bear in mind that most landlords will expect you to pay a deposit and you may have to pay a month’s rent in advance. Be careful as well to rent from registered landlords who will provide you with a ‘lease’ or agreement to confirm the amount you’ll need to pay each month, as well as any other details.

What’s it like to stay at home during my studies?

Many students decide to stay at home while they study, particularly in their first year. If you live quite near to your college or university this can be a good option. Obviously it cuts down your living costs significantly, although you will have to consider the cost and time involved in travel.

You’ll meet lots of people in first year who are staying at home – it doesn’t need to have a negative impact on your social life! Some people will tell you that staying in halls allowed them to immerse themselves in the student experience a bit more but you can always decide to move out of home in your later years.

Any advice on moving out?

Moving away from home is a pretty big deal. Ask just about anyone who moved away to university or college though and they’ll tell you it was a decision they’re glad they made.

Remember, if you move into student halls, you’ll be joining dozens of other first year students who are in exactly the same boat. Everyone will be a bit nervous and keen to make friends. Your college or university will run lots of activities in the first few weeks that’ll help you settle in and get to know everyone. You’ll probably have had the chance before you moved in to answer a few questions about your personality and interests too – that will have helped the administrators to ensure that you’re sharing a block with other like-minded people.

  • Find out what the accommodation will be like before you start and consider the different options available. You’ll probably be able to get a tour of the facilities during an Open Day.
  • When you move in, make an effort to chat to people. Remember that everyone’s in the same position as you.
  • Try and be a good flatmate! You’ll win more friends if you wash up your dishes and don’t play Biffy Clyro loudly in your room at 3am...

To read more about the costs involved, take a look at our article on Student Finance.


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So You Wanna Write a Book: Making the Cut

hand pen business marker

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Now that you’ve finished the first draft of your book, it’s time for the excruciating part: editing. Some people view editing as a way to fix those little spelling and grammatical errors that get in the way of a good read. But any writer worth their ink knows that’s just a small part of the process. Read on to learn how and what to cut from your manuscript during the editing process.

Get Rid of Unnecessary Sentences, Paragraphs, Scenes

Give your story momentum by striking passages that don’t move the story forward (no matter how lovely the prose). A scene thrown in simply to fill in the time between two important events looks like…well…a purposeless scene. And please, please, PLEASE don’t use that time to have characters discuss the weather or other mundane topics. “But I want it to seem realistic,” you might argue. “This is how regular people talk.” Yes. But you are writing fiction. Regular people discuss the weather because they can’t escape one another and have nothing else in common to talk about. Your reader can escape by putting down your book and forgetting it ever existed. Don’t give him or her a reason to do so because your book has “extremely realistic dialog.”

One of the tricks I tell writers is to get rid of the first chapter and see what happens. Many times the second chapter is a much stronger starting point. It’s amazing how many writers, even seasoned ones, start out their books with “information dump.” It’s as if the author has decided that in order for the reader to thoroughly understand their character, the author must reveal every important detail of that character’s past. But think about it this way: have you ever met someone who told you everything about their life in the exhausting first couple of hours of getting to know them? It’s a lot of information to take in all at once, isn’t it? You might even become confused over who was who in their story and what exactly happened and to whom and where. It sure is a lot of details to have to work out in your head. And after they’ve told you everything…there really isn’t much else to learn, is there? So think about THAT before dumping everything into a reader’s lap.

But let’s say you are positive Chapter One should stay where it is. You’ve started at a strong place where the reader becomes immersed in the story. You haven’t thrown in so much background material that it sounds like a laundry list of what you want the reader to know. But…you may have these issues and not even have thought about it:

Run-on sentences:

Really long, rambling sentences that have a lot of different subject matter mashed together. Separate sentences by subject matter, please! And vary your sentences so that some are short an punchy, others more expository. Cut any words that aren’t useful to the sentence. Your mantra should be: Doesn’t flow? Let it go.

Subject Redundancy:

This is a tricky one because you might not notice it at first. Basically, you give the reader information. Then, explain it again in a different way, almost as if you worry the reader won’t get what you meant the first time around. Or maybe your character tells another character about something that has happened, and then later in the chapter, this character explains it all over again to another character. Ugh. Once the reader knows something, it’s not necessary to keep repeating this information unless it needs to be brought up later in the book as a reminder for the reader. But you should be okay sharing this information just once per chapter. Slash subject redundancy from your work.

Word Redundancy:

A second set of eyes will help you with this one. You might discover your favorite word is “just” or “suddenly.” Or maybe you have a crush on the word “perfect.” (The flowers were perfect. The weather was perfect. The couple had a perfect time.) Using the “Find” feature on your computer will help you delete and replace these sneaky, overly-loved words. You may also discover most of your sentences start with “She.” Use the person’s first name once in while, but don’t let that be your default. Concentrate on finding a different way to structure the sentence. [One caveat: A lot of newbies start their sentences with “-ing” words. An example: Varying sentences will help create less redundancy. But note the sentence is now passive. Better: To create less redundancy, vary your sentences. Don’t get in the habit of starting sentences with “-ing” just to change things up! They become exhausting to read. Strike as many of those “-ing” sentence starts as you can from your work.]

So now you’ve purged repeated words and redundant subjects from your manuscript, prevented information dump, and found the perfect start to your chapters. Now what? Well, I find that sometimes entire scenes can be moved or deleted. Yup. Kid you not. Entire. Scenes. “But why?” you cry. “I love when my character finds a flower and weaves it into a wind chime.” But here’s the question to ask yourself: Does it move the story forward? Does it help with plot, conflict, or characterization? Is it thematic? Does it show up in other areas of your novel? Does it have symbolic meaning and play into the storyline? If you can’t answer yes to any of these questions…sorry to say, it needs to go. Otherwise, readers will be scratching their heads wondering what it’s supposed to mean. Is it a metaphor for something? Will the flower-wind-chime come into play later and save the day? The reader will be watching for the answer…waiting to see where this oddity plays out. If you insist on having it in your book for your own, personal enjoyment, expect a disappointed reader. They usually leave bad reviews, by the way.

To recap: Sometimes editing your work means deleting sentences, paragraphs, and scenes. Sometimes, this is painful. But it will streamline your novel.

This is a five-part series developed by K.L. Gore for Lilac City Rochester Writers, presented on October 27th, 2018.

Coming Up Next:

-Ridding your work of the dreaded “-ly” adverbs, and what to use in substitution

-Locating dull or repetitive words and cliche phrases that put readers to sleep

-Fixing pacing issues that either slow the story down or rush a scene into confusion

-Discovering where your character’s arc has flattened

#writing #storyrevision #creativewriting #revision #storypace #character #books #editing #storyline

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Princess Revision: Chapter One, Scene Five

JULY 26, 1967 The country club was breathtaking in its decorum. The lights were low and lazy, and tissue paper made into large bows hung from the lamps above each table. A table was set at one end of


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5 stuffed tomato recipes that will make you fall in love

26 mayo, 2021

These stuffed tomatoes they have the flavor that you like so much and that you want to share with your family. Therefore, we give you 5 delicious options to prepare them this weekend, or whenever you like the most!

It may interest you: Why shouldn’t tomatoes be refrigerated?

Stuffed tomatoes: a healthy option and very easy to prepare

Tomato benefits

Do not stay without discovering the benefits of tomato. You’ll be surprised. (Photo: Getty Images)

Tomato is one of the most versatile ingredients in Mexican cuisine: it is used to make sauces, we find it in salads, it is very good in juice and it cannot be missing in a delicious cake or sandwich.

In addition to that versatility that we love so much, the tomato is very easy to incorporate into any recipe. For example, these stuffed tomatoes are very easy to prepare.

And if that were not enough, the tomato is a super healthy food. Today we share its benefits so that you are encouraged to incorporate it more often into your diet:

Don’t miss: Would you try purple tomatoes?

  1. It is a vegetable with a good fiber content, it is mostly made up of water and few calories
  2. It has vitamins A, C and E, which are considered as antioxidants that promote immune activity
  3. The tomato is very rich in potassium, so it supports proper muscle contraction, keeps the body hydrated and prevents the presence of pain or cramps due to a deficiency of this nutrient.
  4. It contains lycopene, another antioxidant that belongs to the beta-carotene family and which gives it the characteristic red color, which is found in papaya and carrots.
  5. Raw tomato juice helps cleanse the skin and organs, it also contains large amounts of sodium
  6. It is rich in folic acid, which serves to prevent congenital defects, therefore, its consumption is recommended to pregnant women.
  7. It is great for reducing discomfort during menstrual period.
  8. Lycopene can help prevent certain types of cancer, such as stomach, uterine, and prostate cancer.

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  • Tomatoes stuffed with different beans

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    Give all the flavor to today’s food with these tomatoes stuffed with different beans. Follow the step by step of this exquisite recipe.

  • Stuffed tomato face

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    We know that your child loves fun and delicious foods. If you are looking for more options, which are also nutritious, do not miss this stuffed tomato face. You will…

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    In Lent, it is normal to change eating habits, giving more weight to the consumption of vegetables. That is why we bring you these tomatoes stuffed with pasta, perfect as a garnish or main dish. …

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    Delicious! Prepare some delicious ball tomatoes stuffed with instant baked potato mash. Perfect for a delicious and healthy dinner.

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Citrus Orange Chicken

February 04, 2020 By: Comments
Tagged: Dinner Dinner. Oranges Oranges. Affordable Affordable. Kid Friendly Kid Friendly. Chicken Dinner Chicken Dinner. Global Global. Chicken Dinners Chicken Dinners. Quick Chicken Quick Chicken. Kid Friendly Kid Friendly. Rice Rice. Asian Asian. Healthy Dinner Healthy Dinner. Meals Meals. Chinese Chicken Chinese Chicken. Chinese Chinese. Affordable Dinner Affordable Dinner. Quick and Easy Chicken Quick and Easy Chicken. Rice Rice. Oranges Oranges. Recipes Recipes. Main Dish Main Dish. Asian Asian.
10 Minutes
20 Minutes
Makes 4-6 Servings.
Chicken is one of the most versatile meats because it can be made so many different ways with so many flavors. Try this take on citrus orange chicken!

Select ingredients:

  2. Combine orange juice, soy sauce, ground ginger, garlic cloves, and crushed red pepper in a small sauce pan over medium heat. Allow it to cook for a couple of minutes until hot.
  3. Mix the tablespoon of cornstarch with two tablespoons of warm water, and whisk very well. Drizzle this mixture into the sauce, whisking to combine.
  4. Add the light brown sugar, and whisk well to combine. Bring the sauce to a gentle simmer, and allow to thicken for 4-5 minutes. Once thickened, remove from heat and stir in the orange zest. Set aside until ready to use.
  6. Cut the chicken breasts into bite-size pieces.
  7. Whisk the eggs in a large bowl, and set near the stove top.
  8. Whisk the garlic powder, salt, pepper, corn starch, and flour in a separate large bowl. Set near the bowl with the eggs.
  9. Pour the vegetable oil in a large skillet so it comes about 1/3 up the sides of the skillet. Turn the heat to medium-high, and allow the oil to get hot. Once the oil is hot, drop a little piece of flour mixture into it. If it sizzles immediately, the oil is ready to use.
  10. Working in small batches, coat each of the chicken bites in egg, then in the flour mixture. Carefully place in the hot oil, and cook for 2-3 minutes per side until golden brown and cooked through.
  11. Repeat for all chicken bites. Place cooked chicken bites onto a baking sheet lined with a rack to allow them to drip any excess oil off and cool.
  12. Toss the crunchy chicken in the orange sauce, and top with sesame seeds or chopped green onion!
  13. NOTE -- If using large chicken bites, test a couple by cutting them in half to make sure they are cooked through after frying. If they seem slightly undercooked, pop them into a 350 F degree oven for 10-15 minutes to finish cooking!


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On Monday night, I was invited to the very swanky members-only Soho House in West Hollywood for a dinner called “Insex.” I don’t usually go to dinners with titles – especially not ones based on bug puns — but this one promised lurid stories of insect mating rituals and, as a pseudo (foodo?) dating columnist, I thought it was my duty to go. After realizing that insect sex is just as disturbing as it sounds, I’m not sure I would recommend it to anyone. Also, dinner was completely vegetarian. Why you gotta be like that, Soho House? I did, however, learn some things about bug sex, lecture dates and private clubs, which I will now share with you.

Lila Higgins, the entomologist from the Natural History Museum, was extremely enthusiastic about her bugs. She shared fascinating facts like how male bees break off their penises inside of the queen as a weird way of calling dibs and how dragonflies “like it rough.” At one point, she mentioned that male bedbugs had a “pocket pussy” in the side of their abdomen. That part made me want to throw up. When dinner was over, I had two thoughts: I may need to reconsider my stance on lecture dates and I bet the members of Soho House have more sex than your regular guy.

To my first point, I used to think going to lectures on a date was a good idea. Back in September, after extolling the virtues of food-based classes and lectures, I wrote, “these activities give you the chance to experience something with your date and they give you instant conversation starters beyond the inevitable ‘how’s the chicken?’” That’s true. Had I been on a date, there would have been plenty of things to talk about. Not exactly erotic things though. After so many stories of female bugs eating their male counterparts after sex, I think the best I could hope for would be a discussion of how I’d prefer not to be eaten post-coitally. The bottom line is, if you’re going to go on a lecture date, make sure it’s a lecture you want to attend. May I suggest “Jason Kessler’s 10 Surefire Tips for Inciting Internet Controversy?” By the way, Shake Shack is better than In-N-Out.

To my second thought, holy hell the Soho House guys must be getting laid. That place is like a cross between the orgy mansion from Eyes Wide Shut and whatever bar those Eyes Wide Shut orgy guys go to after the orgy. It had all the hallmarks of a good ol’ Hollywood sex romp: panoramic views of Los Angeles, hot women, a full bar and celebrities (My brain: “What’s up, ZZ Top? Glad you guys aren’t dead.” “Hey, it’s Sharon Osbourne and apparently I know what Sharon Osbourne looks like.” “Pesci.”). I wonder if the membership fee comes with free condoms. Either way, that is a seriously seductive spot. If I had insane amounts of money to throw away frivolously on “exclusivity,” I might consider joining.

So what’s the lesson here? It’s three-fold: (1) Don’t go to lectures where people use the phrase “pocket pussy” in relation to bugs. (2) If you’re going to take a date to a lecture, make it interesting and don’t combine it with dinner. After all, you need time to actually discuss what you just heard. (3) If you’re rich and/or famous or want to start your new career as a paparazzo, find your way to Soho House. I’m sure you’ll meet a few beautiful actresses praying mantises to your liking.

Read the previous installment of Heart Attack on Food Republic.


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Patriots Trade Demaryius Thomas to Jets

Thomas did not play in Week 1 due to a hamstring injury. The Jets will be his fourth team in the past 10 months or so.

58 comments, Last at 20 Sep 2019, 2:15pm

1 Well, there might be some…

Well, there might be some much bigger Antonio Brown fallout coming then that. The New York Times published an article within the last hour revealing there's a lawsuit against AB accusing him of rape.

3 When text messages or emails…

When text messages or emails from Brown's phone are published, in which he gives an account of his sexual assault of another person, the judgement really isn't being rushed. Absent a  claim by Brown that those texts are fraudulent, with some kind of corroboration that such an implausibility may have occurred, there's no way the league can let him play.

What did lawyers do in the era prior to sex offenders giving digitized accounts of the torts visited on their victims? Reminds me of Stringer Bell in "The Wire" incredulously asking his dim-witted henchmen, after issuing a new set of instructions, "You takin' written notes on a mutherf*ckin' criminal conspiracy!!??".

5 If only...

If only he had some kind of mentor on his team that could show him how to properly destroy a celphone to prevent evidence on it from being discovered.....

7 Even if the league was…

In reply to by andrew

Even if the league was inclined to protect this guy, which it isn't, the texts make it impossible to manage the narrative, and the reaction by the general public. Unless a credible account is produced within 1 or 2 days, with regard to how these texts might be fraudulent, he'll never play for the Patriots. I wouldn't be surprised if the Pats cut him tomorrow. I wonder if the money's been transferred for the signing bonus yet.

25 I think the chances of there…

I think the chances of there not being a personal conduct provision in the contract that would invalidate it and cause forfeiture of virtually the entire signing bonus is pretty close to nil.

12 Yes, I read them. Brown…

Yes, I read them. Brown adopts a profane, gloating tone, in describing his sexual assault of the plaintiff, an assault which did not entail penetration. It seems possible to me that he is such a towering moron that he doesn't grasp that ejaculating on someone without their consent is a criminal offense, thus he was willing to digitally record his account of the criminal behavior he subjected the victim to. Fiction simply cannot keep pace with reality. It would be humorous, if not for the suffering of the victim, especially in light of her allegation of later behavior by Brown, which can only be described as violent first degree sexual assault.

15 I haven't seen these texts,…

I haven't seen these texts, but if they're the "smoking gun" you seem to think they are, I have to wonder why criminal charges haven't been filed.  Generally, when these sorts of accusations are brought in a civil lawsuit, it's because there's not enough evidence to convince the DA to file criminal charges.  Meanwhile, according to Josina Anderson, Brown is planning to file a countersuit for "civil extortion" (not sure what exactly that means).  So, I guess we'll see what happens.

17 I've not read anything about…

I've not read anything about whether the texts have been given to law enforcement, and I'm not sure about how the behavior described, ejaculating on an unsuspecting person without their consent, would be treated in Florida. I have to believe it is against the law, but for all I know it is a petty misdemeanor, and the proof of that crime may not even be admissable in a trial for the alleged violent 1st degree criminal sexual assault. So, the fact that law enforcement isn't involved is not something I find particularly unusual, at least with regard to the behavior described in the texts.

Is it possible that Brown describes himself assaulting the plaintiff, despite never having done so? Or that the texts have been concocted, and it isn't Brown who wrote them? Sure, anything's possible. It's possible I might win the lottery if I buy a ticket.Unless Brown's lawyers give the league pretty compelling reason to think that one of those very unlikely events have occurred, and it is given very soon, I don't see why the league wouldn't put him on the ineligible list until it gets resolved, because letting a guy play after he brags in a text about ejaculating on an unsuspecting woman is not good for business.

20 What a Mess

Based on the ESPN article, it certainly seems that if the allegations in the deposition are true there should have been a criminal case to be had if she reported it and cooperated (the deposition includes allegations of three separate incidents, one of which involved being forced onto a bed and raped). If the civil attorneys obtained the text messages in discovery (as seems likely), then the DA could certainly have gotten them in a criminal case. The incidents happened in 2017 so it's very likely that if criminal charges were going to happen they would have happened by now.

None of this is to dispute her claim, selective prosecution in criminal cases especially with a potentially reluctant key witness seems to be a thing (e.g. Jeffry Epstein) - but it's does suggest his defense of "she's just trying to shake me down for money" isn't totally implausible from the outside. If the claims in the deposition are true there should be physical evidence to corroborate them so we should know pretty definitively once this plays out.

I don't envy the commissioner on days like this - lots of civil allegations are frivolous and if he puts AB on the commissioners exempt and it turns out the facts of the deposition are not sound he's inviting nine-figure litigation against the NFL because of the unique contractual position AB is in N.B. the NFL has a very poor record in court defending these cases. On the other hand if the claims of the deposition are true AB shouldn't play in the NFL again.

21 The lawsuit was just filed…

In reply to by sbond101

The lawsuit was just filed. There has been no discovery. The texts contained in the lawsuit are from the victim's phone or email account. Look, in the texts, Brown plainly writes, in a taunting manner, that he ejaculated on the victim. There are only 3 ways this is not a forthright admission of sexual assault. 1) Brown tries to claim that she consented to having Brown do that, 2) Brown tries to claim that he wrote that he ejaculated on her despite not having done so, 3) Brown tries to claim that these messages are fraudulently attributed to him. That's it. 1) is his best option, but the taunting tone of the message certainly more closely aligns with her account of how this incident unfolded.

This admission by Brown, of course, may have no criminal legal bearing on her other two allegations of being sexually assaulted by him, but I'm just looking at this through the prism of Brown as a NFL player. It seems overwhelmingly likely that he forthrightly admitted, via texts or emails to the victim,  to visiting a sexual assault on her.  I think it likely he did so because he's as dumb as a kicking tee, and didn't understand that it's against the law to jack off on an unsuspecting fellow human being without their consent, even if you have had consensual sex with the person in the past.

Now, if there is a faintly plausible explanation for those messages that don't entail a forthright admission of sexual assault, I'm pretty sure we'll be hearing before Friday. I think that is pretty unlikely.

33 I have to wonder why…

I have to wonder why criminal charges haven't been filed.

Possibly because dealing with the police after you've been sexually assaulted is a traumatic experience in itself. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to talk to a police officer who is likely to be hostile towards the victim, especially when it's a woman.

19 It's not entirely clear to…

It's not entirely clear to me from reading the messages (as indecipherable as the language is) whether Brown is indeed gloating; it seems plausible that he is reacting with incredulity against the accusations. It would be helpful to see them in the context of the full exchange (assuming there is an exchange).

However, I'm sure you are correct that any legal process must take the messages literally (as far as possible), and as such it is very much up to Brown to prove either they are fake, or provide counter-evidence etc.

23 His first sentence, in the…

His first sentence, in the first message is....

"I jack my dick on your back!"

...which you may read as an expression of incredulity, but I do not. Again, this message was sent shortly after the event, not in response to any formal legal document. The specificity of the sentence, in terms of where he, um, aimed, certainly suggests a description of what behavior he in fact did engage in, as opposed to an incredulous response  to hearing that she was falsely claiming that he ejaculated on her.

It may be not enough for a jury if beyond a reasonable doubt is the standard, but if the standard is who is more likely to be truthful (propensity of the evidence), I'm not betting that the jury buys the "Hey, I was just being incredulous!" theory.

26 To be clear, I'm not aiming…

To be clear, I'm not aiming to leap to his defense. Yes, taken alone, that statement is damning. But there are other parts of the message that, from my interpretation, create some ambiguity (what does he mean by "f*** your knowledge" and having "a laugh about this sh*t....."?).

But I'm not legally trained, so I've no idea whether this angle would be worth anything in Brown's defense. It's just what came to my mind reading the messages (and again I must stress, I believe myself to be unbiased here).

If I was to make a decision probabalistically on this evidence alone then clearly guilty is favorite. However, I'd prefer to at least see the entire conversation before reaching a final decision.

29 I agree that Brown doesn't…

I agree that Brown doesn't come off as incredulous, but there are other legal interpretations.  An easy analog would be the proverbial "locker room talk" where one guy  portrays consensual sex as a conquest to another.  This could be much the same, only with Taylor being the one boasted to in an effort to belittle her.  Given Brown's emotional instability and lousy writing skills, I see no reason to disregard this possibility.  At the very least, implying he "confessed" is a significant overreach.

Brown seems like a prick who could easily have done this and Taylor's story leaves me scratching my head in a few spots, so I'm not going to lean in either direction until more data surfaces.

As for Brown the football player, I didn't want him in the first place, so unless he can paint a convincing picture of his innocence, I'd prefer to move on.  Not to presume guilt, but this guy had a checkered past before the last few months.  And even the legal interpretation above illuminates some serious character flaws.

31 Outcomes

I think what's going to happen here is that Goodell will put him on the commissioners exempt list to try to avoid the PR nightmare while limiting risk on the other side if it becomes clear the accusation is false. The NFL will investigate, and either decide on discipline at some point this fall; God only knows what the truth here, but there's a good chance enough evidence exists to independently verify the allegations if they are true. If even most of it is true I hope the Florida DA gets embarrassed into prosecution.

36 The primary reason I think…

The primary reason I think the defense of "Hey, I was just describing ejaculating on the back of someone who consented to me doing so!" is very unlikely to be true is that this would be a pretty unusual consensual sex act, in the context of writing about it to the consenting partner in an email at a later time, in that manner. Lord knows human sexuality has endless variations, and I'm no expert,  but if I had to make a bet on whether that sentence descrbes a person consenting to being ejaculated upon, or whether that sentence describes someone who did not, I'd very, very, easily would choose the latter.

41 Brown Allegations

"this would be a pretty unusual consensual sex act"

FWIW, I've had two separate instances where someone described doing such while regaling their sexual exploits, one of those at the behest of their partner.  It probably isn't common, but I don't think it moves the needle in either direction by itself.

"in the context of writing about it to the consenting partner in an email at a later time"

This I agree with.  Throwing something otherwise benign in someone's face during a fight is normal, but this is an odd selection to make.  Perhaps the sex was consensual but she wasn't thrilled with the ending?  A little tiff that lingered and became inflamed in the heat of the moment?  It's not hard to reconcile, but it takes some tap dancing.

The problem for me is her story takes just as much tap dancing to smooth out, so I find myself in a position where I don't trust either party enough to choose a side.  The only safe bet is that, regardless of how everything unfolds, I will walk away from this disliking Brown even more than I did two days ago.

44 What tap dancing is required…

What tap dancing is required to accept her story? She's a young person of modest means who sees a business opportunity with someone who makes millions of dollars. The rich person exposes himself and kisses her as a really gross approach to seduction. That happens all the time. She maintains the relationship because she needs the work. That happens all the time, too. He then at a later date ejaculates on her, and he breaks off the relationship when she talks about the incident to a fellow emoloyee. After a period of seperation, he approaches her again, apologizes, and offers to hire her again. She still needs money, so she agrees. He then violently rapes her, and she ends the relationship, but does not call law enforcement. Sadly, it is not unusual for rape victims to not contact law enforcement.

Now, I'm pretty neutral on allegation 1&3. I'm about 90% sure allegation 2 occurred, for the simple reason that Brown wrote that he ejaculated on her, and you really have to tap dance to turn that into a consensual act, especially if the fellow employee will corroborate that she spoke to him about Brown doing so.

Would I cast a vote to criminally penalize Brown at this point? No. Am I sure enough that Brown ejaculated on someone without their consent, that I would not let him prominently represent my enterprise in an industry where the warm and fuzzy feelings of my customers, about my product are important, absent Brown producing some powerful exculpatory  evidence within about 48 hours? Yep.

45 "That happens all the time,…

"That happens all the time, too."

Yes, much of this happens all the time, and each individual claim sounds believable enough, it's the totality of it that strains my credulity.  You aren't talking about mere uncomfortable sexual innuendo, you're talking about a man who ejaculated on you without your permission - when you didn't even know he was masturbating right next to you! - after already exposing himself and forcing himself upon you.  That isn't something an apology alone should move beyond.

"Sadly, it is not unusual for rape victims to not contact law enforcement."

Of course, but it is uncommon for them to not contact law enforcement despite supposedly having damning evidence while also filing a civil suit.  Generally speaking, what motivates victims to not call the police is the same thing that motivates them to avoid a civil suit.

Her post-assault use of Brown's image on social media (assuming this can be verified, which I would expect since it was mentioned by Brown's attorneys) also ring inconsistent with her allegations.

IMO, there are enough questions on both sides to withhold judgment for the time being.  As I said earlier, I didn't want Brown on the team before this came out, so I would prefer to move on as well.

46 I really don't think it is…

I really don't think it is inconsistent at all for a person to continue to use their association with their sexual assailant as a means to get money. If you need money bad enough you'll do what is legally necessary to get it, including mentioning your professional association with your sexual assailant.

The evidence for allegations 1 and 3 is pretty thin so far. The allegation for 2  is pretty strong, since the defendant wrote a contemporeaneous, hostile, statement in which he described doing what the plaintiff alleged, the only question being whether the plaintiff consented to the defendant doing so. If you wish to assert that it is anywhere close to being as likely that he engaged in that behavior on a  consensual basis, as opposed to it being done on a nonconsensual basis, because a person watching something on a screen which typically includes fairly loud musical performances, would have known that a person standing behind her was masturbating, o.k.. I disagree, and that's o.k., too.

51 "I really don't think it is…

"I really don't think it is inconsistent at all for a person to continue to use their association with their sexual assailant as a means to get money."

"Inconsistent" may be the wrong word, since it can be reconciled.  It just requires some assumptions to make probable, that's all.  And at this point, there are too many assumptions on both sides to lean in either direction.

"If you wish to assert that it is anywhere close to being as likely that he engaged in that behavior on a  consensual basis, as opposed to it being done on a nonconsensual basis"

I don't recall doing so.  To the contrary, even one of the "legal" interpretations involved some surprise on her part.  My point was that it was a bridge too far to portray his tirade as a confession.

EDIT:  What I don't think is in dispute is that Brown's intent was abusive when he sent the texts and he viewed the sex act as degrading of Taylor.  Even a pro-Brown interpretation is going to have to reconcile those points, IMO.

52 Fair enough. I should not…

Fair enough. I should not have used "confession". Again, absent the text that begins with a plain statement of having engaged in the essential behavior of what the plaintiff claims, the only element not being plainly stated is that of consent, I'd see this quite with much less confidence in probabilities.

48 2nded

"Of course, but it is uncommon for them to not contact law enforcement despite supposedly having damning evidence while also filing a civil suit.  Generally speaking, what motivates victims to not call the police is the same thing that motivates them to avoid a civil suit." - This is the crux of the argument that suggests skepticism is warranted. It's true that an unknown number of criminal rapes and sexual assults don't result in criminal charges (this number is speculated to be large, but since all the claims in question are untested who knows) - it's also true that not filing a police report for a violent rape will be a touchstone for his attorneys in the civil case to undermine her credability, as will not filing the case for almost 2 years & returning to his employ after the events discussed above (which on there own would have given her a civil suit worth much more than her job).

Who knows what really happened here, but the perspective "90% it happened and was sexual assult" doesn't look to me like how it would play out in civil court if there arn't material facts we don't know about. I hope for the NFL's sake that one party or the other has more here so that they don't have to make a call based on this - because the collapse of AB's huge deal with the Raiders means that the commissioners exempt list will definately not save them from a huge lawsuit if they want him off the field for (valid) PR reasons.

57 Checkered past indeed!

Yeah, he's been inviting legal problems for the past year, at least. As a Pats fan, this is terrible stuff and I'm not pleased to yet again have ownership compromise my fandom with poor decision-making:

"This is one of several legal incidents involving Brown within the past 12 months. He acted “without regard for human life” when he threw furniture from his 14th-floor apartment balcony onto the ground below, coming within 2 feet of hitting a 22-month-old boy, according to a separate lawsuit filed in Florida and reported by TMZ in October 2018. In a separate incident in January 2019, Brown pushed Wiltrice Jackson, the mother of his daughter, to the ground with both hands after she asked him to repay money for their daughter’s hair appointment, according to Jackson’s statement in a police report. The next month, Brown skipped a court date for reckless driving when he was accused of going over 100 mph in Ross Township, Pennsylvania. He was found guilty in his absence. Last month Brown was sued by a chef whose lawsuit said Brown refused to pay him more than $38,000 for meals Brown requested during Pro Bowl weekend in January. Brown was also sued in August by Sean Pena, a personal trainer who said Brown owes him more than $7,000 for services provided, according to court documents obtained by TMZ. The reckless driving conviction is the only one of those incidents to involve a criminal charge."

4 To add on, there's no way…

To add on, there's no way Aaron Hernandez's former team can let this guy play in a game. Darth will not be able to control the media on this like he normally does.

8 Not sure he controls the…

Not sure he controls the media, he just treats them the way Donnie Wahlberg treats Feds in The Departed.  But yeah, I'm doubting Brown lasts there, especially if he did not give them a heads up about this.  Based on week 1, they don't need him.

As far as trading Demaryius, they were probably keeping younger guys at the position... which is what I would want the Jets to do.  Still hoping Gase only lasts this year.

9 Someone on the Pats Pulpit…

Someone on the Pats Pulpit website pointed out a quote from Belichick about signing Albert Haynesworth even though he had a sexual assault charge, basically, "We all make mistakes".  It's from Michael Giardi's twitter feed, so who knows how accurate that is, but perhaps we shouldn't assume anything right now, other than this is a PR nightmare for the league.  The Patriots might be fine with being the Bad Boys of the NFL as long as they win.  Not a good look for the league though.

13 Haynesworth was a long time…

Haynesworth was a long time ago, in an entirely different atmosphere. If Brown's lawyers can put forth a nonridiculous account of how these texts are fakes, in the next day or two, Brown may play for the Patriots. Absent that, my guess is they cut him.

53 nah, the Bulls first…

nah, the Bulls first threepeat was with a player they drafted, Horace Grant, in the "third Hall of Famer" Dennis Rodman role, Jordan didn't have to recruit anyone for that

54 That's fair, although they…

That's fair, although they still had >= HOFers than the Suns or Blazers. (Vlade, of all people, puts the 1991 Lakers over the top -- a shockingly good way to predict NBA Finals is a straight comparison of HOFers on the roster)

30 Don't Agree

I really don't get this take; Does anyone see any real evidence that less people are going to watch the Patriots on TV or buy tickets because of this issue? AB has real legal problems, the NFL has a league-wide PR problem that the athletes are definitively not perceived "wholesome" - this incident won't help. But I really can't see that there will be anything worse than some twitter outrage directed toward Robert Kraft associated with this incident - cancel culture is definitively not going to "get" NE or Robert Kraft, and I can't imagine he's remotely afraid that it will. Equally I find it implausible the NFL players are going to start being reluctant to sign with NE/Kraft because of perception here - there has been no similar backlash against other owners who have done bad things in the past.

32 It will become harder for…

In reply to by sbond101

It will become harder for other owners to shield Kraft from criticism if he's playing AB.

I can see other owners preventing their jumbotron operators from playing the video where Kraft gets jacked off by a foreign-trafficked sex slave, but it's harder to prevent fans from bringing signs criticizing AB or relating the two.

Maybe they will have a really solid come back.

37 There was no legally…

There was no legally provable connection showable by an alien sex worker as it regarded an out-of-state billionairre who has a sitting POTUS on speed-dial.

\incidentally, the new posting format hijacks auto-highlight spell correction with some useless copy/paste crap.

38 An middle aged woman getting…

An middle aged woman getting paid by a connected billionaire for handjobs is likely a slave because she's a green card holding alien?

Look, no matter what one thinks of Kraft and his associates, there's just no reason to think that the sex workers who serviced Kraft were slaves.

39 Let's meet in the middle and…

Let's meet in the middle and agree he was videorecorded being ejeculated by a middle-aged sex worker masquerading as a masseuse in a south Florida strip mall.

Let's also agree he has a history of employing a murderer, has transferred possession of one of his SB rings to a foreign head of state and enemy of the US, and his emcee is a convicted hate criminal.

42 Like I said, I've taken a…

Like I said, I've taken a dim view of some stuff about Pats through the years, but there was zero evidence of any human trafficking in the massage parlors that were investigated, that Kraft was caught up in. That was just bullshit trotted out by law enforcement to justify a massive waste of resources. I don't really care about widowers who pay cash to aporeciative middle aged women who provide hand jobs.

40 Actually according to reports

There is ample reason to believe this. It's basically how these systems work. Kraft probably didn't know, or care to know the details of how these women end up in that industry, but the documentation on how these places work is well known. Pretending it isn't, is basically dishonest.

I don't know if people are going to start hating Tom Brady or this Pats team because the old rich owner of the team he's on went to an AMP. It seems to have no effect on ratings nor should I expect it would. Nor does it take away from what the Patriots might do this year with a QB in basically uncharted age territory. They seem well positioned to win the AFC east again. They will also likely package this Jets pick to move around in the draft. Moving a player for a pick that the Jets could likely have got off waivers or could have signed just a few weeks ago. They willingness to dump him n the Jets probably shows that the Pats do not fear their division at all.

43 Yes, there is human…

Yes, there is human trafficking. No, Kraft had no reason to think that the women he was paying were being trafficked, and they were not.

34 I've had a pretty dim view…

I've had a pretty dim view of how the Pats have handled various matters through the years, but Kraft's prostitution bust, in terms of the resources expended to establish that an appreciative  Kraft paid some cash to some middle aged appreciative women for some sexual gratification, was just too stupid for words.

49 The police work on that case…

The police work on that case was poor, because they concentrated on charging the women working there.  If you're trying to stop human trafficking, the police have to get the sex workers to turn on their 'employers'.  And you are correct, that it appears to not be a case of human trafficking.  The sex workers from the massage parlor seem to still be dealing with charges though; Kraft hasn't done a damn thing to help them in this case.  The police are just making their lives worse.

All that said, the most idiotic action was Bob Kraft going to Orchid of Asia to get a happy ending massage, on the day of the AFC championship, when he has a model for a part-time girlfriend and oodles of money to invite an escort over to have the same experience or better somewhere he would know wouldn't be under surveillance, his home probably.  This has to be the stupidest thing an NFL owner has done this off-season, and the current Jets owner hired Adam Gase.

6 DT is an iron man

D.T. was the only reason I had to not hate the Pates this year. So much for that!

55 People on the Gang Green…

People on the Gang Green Nation website are saying that Darnold got mono from Thomas; Pats just traded Thomas to Jets, within two days Darnold has mono.

56 I can imagine the…

I can imagine the conversation between Belichick and Thomas.

BB: OK Demaryius, we've decided to trade you to the Jets.  But don't worry; you don't have to actually play for them.  I just want you to get close enough to Darnold to infect him with mononucleosis.  Then, right before Brown gets suspended, we'll trade him to the Jets for you.  Got it?

DT: Uh, coach, I'm not sure this is such a good idea.  I mean, I don't even have mono.

BB: Oh, don't worry about that.  Just stop by the team doctor on your way to the airport.

DT: But...

BB: No more buts! Around here, it's my way or the highway.  Got it?

DT: Uh... Yeah, I guess so.

BB: Good.  That's the Patriot Way!

58 And with the latest text messages

I'd wager we've seen the last of Antonio Brown this season. At this point, I think he's just too stupid to play for Belichick.


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Football rumours from the media – 30 June 2017

What the papers say

Ander Herrera has no desire to join Barcelona this summer, writes the Daily Mail, with the midfielder eager to concentrate on his Manchester United career. Paris St Germain midfielder Marco Verratti remains top of the Catalan giants’ wishlist this summer but should they fail to land the Italy international, Herrera has been earmarked as a back-up option. The 27-year-old Herrera is fully focused on next season in the Premier League, however, and is unmoved by Barcelona’s interest in him.

Staying in Manchester and United have been given a setback in their efforts to sign Ivan Perisic for a reduced fee, claims the Daily Telegraph. Inter Milan, the Croatian forward’s club, allegedly need to break even for the financial year or face UEFA sanctions. But Inter are confident they will narrowly avoid punishment without having to sell Perisic, scuppering United’s hopes of taking advantage of Inter’s predicament.

Elsewhere, the Daily Mirror reports Kieran Gibbs has become a target for new Watford boss Marco Silva. The Arsenal left-back is out of contract in 12 months’ time so the Hornets are unwilling to meet the Gunners’ £15million valuation. Gibbs started just eight Premier League matches last season and may find his opportunities at the Emirates Stadium this season limited following the arrival of Sead Kolasinac from Schalke on a free transfer.

Meanwhile, Chelsea boss Antonio Conte is frustrated the club have prioritised the signing of Romelu Lukaku over Andrea Belotti, says the Daily Star. Conte would prefer to bring Torino ace Belotti to Stamford Bridge but is unhappy owner Roman Abramovich and technical director Michael Emenalo would prefer to land Everton striker Lukaku.

Finally, Southampton have joined the race to sign Manchester City’s £25m-rated striker Kelechi Iheanacho, according to The Sun. Iheanacho is already on the radars of Saints’ Premier League rivals West Ham, Everton and Leicester, but the south coast club may hold the edge in the race to land the 20-year-old if they are willing to include Ryan Bertrand as part of any deal, with City boss Pep Guardiola a huge fan of the England left-back.

Online/Social round-up

Could Pepe Reina be returning to the Premier League? (Nick Potts/EMPICS)
Could Pepe Reina be returning to the Premier League? (Nick Potts/EMPICS)

@TheSunFootball: Andreas Christensen hints at permanent Chelsea exit after returning from Borussia Monchengladbach.

@talkSPORT: Pepe Reina to Newcastle? Napoli president hopes goalkeeper will snub interest to stay in Italy.

@MARCAinENGLISH: Ceballos is heavily linked with @realmadriden. @RealBetis_en say there has been no contact.

Players to watch

Thomas Lemar is attracting interest (Mike Egerton/EMPICS)
Thomas Lemar is attracting interest (Mike Egerton/EMPICS)

Thomas Lemar: The Independent says Arsenal and Tottenham are set for disappointment in their pursuit of the highly-rated 21-year-old winger, with Monaco unwilling to sell one of their star assets. The Ligue 1 club were particularly disappointed by the Gunners’ £31m bid for Lemar earlier this week.Joe Gomez: The Liverpool defender is attracting the attention of Brighton boss Chris Hughton, who has registered his interest, according to the Brighton Argus. The 20-year-old Gomez was limited to three appearances in the FA Cup last season as he recovered from a long-term injury.Andy Robertson: The Hull left-back is on Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp’s radar should Alberto Moreno decide to leave Anfield in the coming weeks, writes the Liverpool Echo. Robertson was linked with a move away from Humberside in January and is rated at £8m by the Hull hierarchy.

Stay updated with the latest news, gossip and football stories by following us @Football_P

Football Paradise Staff Reporter

Serving quality football news from around the globe. No click-bait.


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How to build social skills in preschoolers

It may be hard to imagine that it is already time to talk about developing social skills in your little one! The fact, however, is that by the time children are approaching 3 years they benefit from social contact to develop their social, emotional as well as language skills.

Going to a playgroup can be an easy initiation to practice these skills as the child interacts with peers and learns to communicate, share and generally find his way around. While sending your child to a play school however, remember, to take care of the child’s separation anxiety. Assure the child that you will be back soon. If need be stay with the child for some time so that he adjusts well to the new surroundings.

Scheduling play dates or simply taking the child to the park to play with other children is also a great way to getting them to practice their social skills. You could talk to the child in advance about the need to wait for his turn at the swing, for example so that he is suitably prepared. Once you have created the social setting, however, allow the child, to interact with other children, intervening only when it is necessary.

Overall great social skills are a result of emotional competence. To inculcate good social skills, it is imperative, therefore, that you help the child understand his emotions. It will help to speak to the child about his feelings and your own. Explaining emotions and helping the child give a name to them can be a great way for them to understand the feeling and manage it better.

Here are some handy tips to help build emotional competence in children that in turn help them develop great social skills:

Have a loving relationship with your child– There is enough and more research to say that a child’s social skills and in turn his many relationships build on his primary relationship, that with one’s parents. Children who feel emotionally secure, go on connect with people easily and adapt to situations. A loving, trusting relationship therefore is the best gift you can give the child.

Ensure that overall at home you display a “ can do” attitude. This in turn will help the child develop a positive mindset which will help him develop empathy with people as also help him deal with any setbacks.

Be calm and supportive – When the child is upset about something, it may be tempting to just somehow get the child to be quiet. However, that doesn’t help him learn how to handle the situation. Have him talk about his feelings instead. If the child is angry, for example, you could say something like “ I know you are angry about your favourite toy being broken. However you cannot bite other people because of this.  Let us try and put the toy together.”

By responding to the child’s emotions you are also giving the child a great lesson- that of responding to the emotional needs of others. This lesson, when learnt well, will go a long way in helping develop social skills that will create lasting relationships for the child.

In times when the child has a conflict with other children, help your child speak out how they feel without really attacking the other person. Encourage the child to tell the kid that it is his turn to sit on that swing instead of calling the other child mean if he does not vacate it. In situations where the child is upset about others not listening to his point of view equip the child with ways to negotiate with their friends. So the child could tell the friend that “while I really want to play, we have been playing ball all morning and could we now do something that both of us enjoy.” Much as you need to teach the child empathy, it is also extremely important to teach him to voice his own thoughts of course without being rude or inconsiderate. Simple things like raising their hand in class to go to the rest room or telling that playmate that he does not like to be pushed helps in raising an assertive child who can stand up for his rights without being needlessly aggressive or too passive.

It will help to introduce the concept of “we can find a solution that works for everyone” early. Consider this- if two children are pretend playing and they do not allow your child to play with them saying that their roles are already pre decided, the emotionally competent child who is exposed to the concept will suggest another pretend play scenario which all of them can enjoy.

Lead by example– Saying thank you to the vegetable vendor who comes to sell vegetables or apologizing to someone when you have made a mistake, are all great ways of building social skills that the child learns by observation.  In fact for the child to witness your apology may be a great lesson in conflict management. As long as you do not make a big deal out of apologizing to someone, it will come easily to the child. On the other hand if you never apologize, odds are that they wont ever do it or at least resist it.

You could also point out any impolite behavior as being socially wrong, should you see it in a TV show that the child may be watching. This is turn will help him spot any inconsistent behavior, much less replicate it.

Encourage sharing but know that it is difficult– As parents one of the benchmarks of the child’s social skill is his ability to share. While it is an important aspect, remember that sharing may not always be easy. Therefore it is important that you make the process comfortable. Do not start by expecting the child to share his most well loved toy. It may be like asking an adult to share his family heirloom piece, which wont happen easily.

When the child does share his things, ensure you make it a teachable moment by praising him. Also in cases where the child absolutely does not want to share and you think it calls for some action on your part, it is better that you send the particular toy that the child didn’t share, for a time out session, rather than awarding the child a time out.

Above everything, remember that each child is different and may take to social situations differently. In cases where the child takes time to open up, giving the impression that something may be wrong with him is akin to scarring him for life. Avoid labeling the kid as being “shy”. Instead acknowledge his worries and nurture him with effective ways to handle his social awkwardness. Modeling confident behavior and a relaxed attitude about social interactions may be a great way to help him or her open up. If children are socially anxious, they may often just need some downtime. Pushing them too much to perform will only aggravate their fears. Additionally, being sensitive to the fact that a child who we are labeling as being shy may just as well be an introvert who needs time away from people to rejuvenate himself can also help in supporting the child through his social interactions.

Post Author: Amita Bhardwaj

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