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Monday, December 30, 2013

A Year in Review

This past month we gathered as a staff and took time to remember & celebrate 2013. I blogged about this experience on the blog that I maintain for El Refugio. Here's the start of the article-- click on the link below to read the rest of it.

I enjoyed the activity quite a lot and decided we should share all that happened with you as well!

We held the Youth World Annual Team Conference in January. The Olsens officially started their work at El Refugio that month, too– though they arrived in December…

…click here to read the rest of the article on the El Refugio blog.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

The Crash… and lessons from the apostle Peter

God is constantly teaching us lessons and providing us opportunities to grow, isn’t He? When I step back from the details and busyness of everyday life and try to look at things with a wider perspective, I see the Lord and know that He is with me.

A few weeks back Suzy was in an accident with our car. Approaching a work zone where 2 lanes became one, she looked aside for a brief second and when her foot slipped and wasn’t able to break in time, our car struck the back of a large, orange dump-truck. Apparently the driver stepped out of his vehicle for a few seconds, saw that his truck was fine, and drove off.

My day ended up getting consumed in needing to deal with the fallout. After receiving the call from Suzy around 1:15 I got a ride to the site of the accident. We called our insurance, hunted for a tow-truck, and once we found one that was available I rode with him to the mechanic. On the way back I sat with him through a lot of traffic. He dropped me off in the town where the crash had taken place. I paid him and got on a bus to the next town. In the next town I had to hire a truck to drive me back to Calacalí. Arriving home in the rain at 6:45pm, I was pretty beat.

I’m reading a book that looks in detail at each of Christ’s disciples. Having just finished the chapter on Peter, the topic and idea of leadership is fresh on my mind. The author talks about the raw leadership potential that Peter had, but he also focuses a great deal on the characteristics Jesus constantly worked on developing in Peter. He contrasts the innate quality Peter had of ‘a passion to be personally involved’ with those he Christ needed to impress upon him: restraint, humility, and love (among others).

Leaders are often people with extreme passion and personalities. They say it’s easier to tone down a fanatic than to resurrect a corpse. However, those with passion and strong or extreme opinions or emotions can be just that: extreme. Anger, unkind impulsive words, and ‘my way or the highway’ attitudes can easily emerge from these personalities. So Christ took the strong personality and passion of Peter and modeled to him how to lead with love, humility, and restraint. He also knew Peter would have many experiences throughout his life to teach him how to embody these characteristics: and he would fail. Jesus was there to see him fail many times. But he’d also learn through these experiences. And eventually we see him teaching others these same traits as he writes letters that are now part of the New Testament.

I don’t think many people have seen it, but deep inside of me I have the potential to respond to situations in uncontrolled anger... I know I have a ‘temper’ inside of me and have worked really hard for most of my life to control it and never let it get the best of me or rear its ugly head and hurt others. Situations like this really put it to the test. I hate that our car was damaged so badly and that we had to be without a vehicle for over two weeks. It’s hard for me when my day gets totally thrown off and I have to deal with fallout from a situation that I wish hadn’t happened. Traffic stinks. And maybe the worst part for me was that from the day the accident took place to the day we got the car back, I was  basically the one who had to make all the phone calls, run from place to place, communicate (in spanish) between the mechanic and our insurance agency, and deal with all of this even though I wasn’t even in the car when the accident took place!

I’m happy to say I never exploded. Suzy can tell you that I never spoke an unkind word to her, nor did I complain about all I had to do after the accident. I’m happy to say that from the outside, I handled everything with patience and grace. But I’ll be vulnerable and let you know that inside, all of this was difficult for me.

So I zoom out and look at all of this from God’s perspective. First of all, what a tiny ‘blip’ on the radar this is in terms of a lifetime... or eternity, for that matter. But just like Peter, God provides me with experiences and opportunities to grow, to learn, and to test who I am: as a husband, a leader, a Believer. God is with us. And though this situation was by no means fun, I am learning through it; and I have been especially blessed by the members of the body who have helped us in navigating through by lending a hand in the details of daily life in the midst of inconvenience. So I thank God for being with us and wanting us to grow and turn our eyes to Him in times of difficulty.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Kaia's going to have a little baby __________!!

     We went to the doctor for an ultrasound and decided to find out the gender of our baby. If you haven't found out yet what it's going to be, click on the video below to find out!

 -jim, suzy & kaia

Thursday, November 7, 2013

This is Marguerita's corner restaurant
One of the weekly routines that we have developed living here in Ecuador is that we walk to church each Sunday. The other piece of our tradition is that on our walk back home we stop at the same little corner restaurant for lunch. When we started doing this we’d occasionally get the food to go, though we came to realize the value of staying and taking advantage of the opportunity to talk with the people sitting and eating in this small room with us.

Marguerita is the woman who owns this small restaurant and prepares all of the food. She warmly embraced us from the very first week we stopped by to eat there. The interesting thing is how she has been very open with Suzy regarding her questions and worries about faith and Christianity. The second week we walked by her restaurant, she asked us where we were going. When we told her we were on our way to church, she asked very genuinely if we would pray for her.

A few weeks later she excitedly brought us inside and showed us a Bible she had recently put on display in the restaurant. She told us a friend of hers had had it and she asked if they would give it to her. They did. Each week she proudly puts it on display, surrounding it with flowers and other decorations.

In September of 2013, Marguerita asked Suzy in conversation why she doesn’t have more faith. She expressed that she desires to have it, but so many days she feels distrust for God. As the conversation progressed, Suzy asked her if she had any interest in getting together to study the God of the Bible. Marguerita excitedly said, “Yes!” For several weeks now, Suzy has been getting together with her and often other members of her family to read the Bible. Together, they are discovering who Jesus is.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I learned an interesting lesson in 'force' a week and a half ago.

Really, I blame the whole thing on Pinterest. You see, we have a really nice outdoor space at our house here in Calacalí. However, we haven’t given it a ton of attention– though we’d like to! And of course, when you desire to spruce something up, to you must go. We searched and came up with the idea of making an outdoor chandelier comprised of driftwood from the beach, a rough kind of twine/rope, and glass jars that would hang from it, containing candles– something somewhat similar to the picture you see here.

We bought some candles. We already had the driftwood. And when over at a friends’ house, we were offered a couple of perfect, empty pasta jars. I went home that night bound to make this thing happen. The problem was, the mouth of the jar was a little smaller than the jar itself, as well as the size of the candles.

No problem. I took out a knife to shave down the candle. I take the shaved-down candle and begin to insert it into the jar. The thing is, the candle still doesn’t quite fit. But it was close. I got it halfway in. A little further. And then. THEN  I used force. I just knew I could get it through– it was so close! So I fixed my hand on the top of the candle and used a bit of my body weight. I pushed. And pushed. Until…

The glass jar completely shattered and exploded beneath the pressure being exerted upon it.

Needless to say, my hand got pretty cut up. I lost a fair amount of blood. It hurt quite a lot. And I felt light-headed and quite foolish for the rest of the night. Just in the past couple of days is the last of the wounds finally healing completely.

The lesson here is perhaps quite obvious, but I’ll share it just the same. God has been showing me through all of this that force is not the answer. I mean… is force ever the answer? Granted, force can bring about results. Things can get done under pressure and tension… but I think relationships are almost always damaged as a result of this approach.

I’ve watched the series ’24′ on-and-off over the past couple of years. I’m reminded of the principal character, Jack Bauer. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the show, but Jack is someone who gets things done– no matter what the cost. He gets results. He does terrible things constantly to force results and get answers; and he gets them. But he is an island. I haven’t watched the entire series, but until this point, I have yet to see a single person that deeply cares about Jack. He’s burned essentially every person he knows at one point or another. Is that a good reputation: someone who is able to force results?

The method does matter. The heart does matter. And I see obvious parallels in evangelism. When we share the Gospel, are we thinking of the person with our heart and longing for them as a friend to know the greatest truth that exists– or do we see them as a number? Do we think in terms of heads to count at whatever the cost, whatever method necessary? Or do we see them as people, children dearly loved who are complex and need time and love and care? Force is not the answer, as I clearly learned with my hand and the pasta jar.

What great news we have to share with those around us! The truth of the Gospel– of what Christ did– this is a message that everyone needs to hear! But how we deliver that message is important. We represent a loving God who cares deeply for each and every individual in our world. I pray that I always keep in mind that force, though at times might be easier, is not likely going to bring about the results I would hope. May we walk in the truths of God’s word, ever learning, ever striving to grow and be more like our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

For some reason the idea of a shepherd has really been striking me recently.

I guess the first reason is related to language. In the english language ‘shepherd’ is a profession of someone who cares for sheep as a living. In the church we often refer to pastors as being shepherds. The interesting thing in spanish is that the word for pastor and for shepherd are one in the same– a shepherd is a ‘pastor’ and a pastor is a ‘pastor.’
Our daughter, Kaia was given a stuffed animal lamb when she was just a few weeks old. Somehow this lamb became her best friend. She can’t go to bed without it. She dresses it in her clothes and shoes. She carries it with her everywhere. She does as much as she possibly can with it, and just the sight of her lamb makes her so incredibly happy. I love watching her ‘care’ for her lamb and observing how she interacts with it.
What does a shepherd do? They care for their sheep. They provide food and water for them. They move them from place to place. They guide them. They establish boundaries about where the sheep can go: with fences or by other means. They protect them. They spend time with the sheep. They get to know them. They want the best for each and every sheep in their flock.
There are several passages of scripture that use the illustration of the shepherd. Ezekiel 34: 1 – 15 outlines shepherds that don’t care for their flock. God steps in and says,
"I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. 13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land.”
In John 10: 1 – 18  Jesus declares,
"I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”
John 21: 15 – 17 says,
"15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’  ’Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’”
Acts 20:28 says,
"Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.”
What can we take away from this? Must we be a Pastor to shepherd others?
I think it’s safe to say that David was the most famous (literal) shepherd in the Bible. I love that David was younger and smaller than all of his brothers; he was the one tending to the sheep. And it was he that God chose to lead his people. The role of a shepherd may not be the fanciest or the most respected… or the job with the best pay. But investing in the lives of individuals in a deep way– providing them with life… what a beautiful thing!
We’re all very familiar with the 23rd Psalm, but I’m going to insert it here. Take a minute to read it and think about the words without just blowing through it. Let the words sink in.
23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
I shall not want. What does that mean? It means we don’t need to ‘want’ for things because our shepherd (God) has and will provide for all of our needs. What else does He do? He makes us rest. He knows that we need rest. He created a beautiful world for us and He wants us to be in his creation. It also says that He’ll be with us in times of danger. It doesn’t say that when danger is coming he’ll sweep in and pull us out of it… it says when we walk through: it’s expected. It’s going to happen. But He’s there with us. We’re not alone. We’re not abandoned. He has chosen us, He blesses us, and He has given us the gift of eternal life.
I love the concept of the shepherd because we are God’s sheep. He cares for us deeply. And yet at the same time He also is calling us to be shepherds and care for others as he cares for us.
Are you currently playing a ‘shepherd’ role in the lives of others? Whether your answer is yes or no, let’s ask ourselves today, “How can we be better shepherds?”
- jim

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Walking... Reflecting... Talking with God.

I walked to work this morning. I try to do this often. It's only an additional 6-7 minutes on foot over driving here.

The thing is that I find when I'm walking or hiking, my mind operates better. It's not that I don't think when I'm driving or working or running errands... but those thoughts are usually more task oriented or structured. When I slow down and walk down a quiet country road or hike in the woods, it's as if my mind is able to zoom out, look at the big picture, and spend time thinking about the really important things in life. Additionally, I often find myself naturally talking with God in those moments.

Suzy and I watched 'The Hobbit' the other night for the first time-- my parents were kind enough to mail us an original copy (original copies of movies are hard to come by down here)! Being that this movie didn't cover half of the book, we decided to start reading the book, The Hobbit, aloud together. We actually started this a couple years back, but never finished it. I have confidence we'll finish it this time around!

There's something compelling and extremely relatable to me about books/movies like the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. It's not that we have incredibly hairy feet or that there are orcs and goblins around every corner... it's that we're on a journey. We're all walking forward; sometimes taking in incredible vistas and feeling on top of the world... other times struggling to take the next step forward and feeling hopeless.

I'm going to give you a little sneak peak on something I was working on yesterday. It was designed with the intention of being put on a little stretchy material that people here wear on their heads like a stocking cap, or at times pull down around their neck like a scarf. We'll see what it ends up getting used for in the end... if at all. But either way, you're getting a sneak peak. I feel like it's somewhat relevant to what we're talking about.

We're all walking in this life together. Many of us are on different paths, in different locations... but we're all somewhere. God is calling to us to get away and simply BE with Him is His creation. When was the last time you set some time aside to simply walk, listen, be quiet, and let your mind (and soul) breathe?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Easter in Ecuador

Holidays in a foreign country feel different. No matter how hard you try, it’s just not quite the same as in your country of origin-- but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We had a pretty wonderful Easter, along with the days surrounding it.

On Good Friday we took a group of interns from El Refugio to Midad Del Mundo-- the monument recognizing the actual equator line that runs through Ecuador. It’s about an 8 minute drive from Calacalí. We took pictures standing on the yellow line, ate Fanesca (the typical soup eaten here during Holy Week), and watched a processional/parade of Ecuadorians in Holy Week garb.

That night we also had a group over to our house and ate together, talked for a while, and watched a movie. Saturday was a slower day spent at home preparing for Sunday.

On Sunday we had a sunrise service on El Refugio’s property. We learned that occasionally in the past this had taken place, so Suzy took it upon herself to invite, organize, and plan this year’s service.
We drove up to a great look-out point at 6:30am. This is what it looked like shortly after we got up there. We had a mix of readings, sharing, and worship through song.

After the service we drove back down to El Refugio’s dining area and had a good-ol’ breakfast potluck.

Mid-morning we transitioned over to our house and had an easter-egg hunt, painted eggs, and had another delicious meal prepared by Suzy. People hung around into the afternoon and we were blessed with a sunny, beautiful day to be in fellowship with one another.

So. Holidays do ‘feel’ different in different locations... but being surrounded by other believers who are celebrating for the same reason we are makes it feel just like it should.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

4:30am Perimeter Hike with LIFT

    4:oo am came pretty quickly yesterday. Suzy had to push me to turn off the alarm... I had already incorporated the sound of the static coming from my alarm clock into my dream. I got up, packed my things, and walked the 8 minutes from our house to El Refugio.

     What was I doing up this early, you ask? On March 11th a group of 30+ came from Camp-of-the-WOODS in Speculator, NY. This group is mainly comprised of 18 - 26 year olds who have set aside a semester or at times 2 to be a part of their LIFT program. LIFT combines Biblical training, camp ministry experience, missions training and exposure, and outdoor adventure. These guys go canoeing, backpacking, and do some serious hikes and climbing. Just today they left to go summit a mountain here in Ecuador. So, I got up that early yesterday to do the perimeter hike with them here on El Refugio's property. I would venture to say that this hike is the most difficult one that we have to offer within our property.

     It was a rough hike. I've acclimated really well to the altitude here, but in truth, I haven't done any really long or strenuous hikes since being here. Nor have I gotten up that early in... years, probably.

     But I tell you what, the spiritual picture that I experienced and envisioned while on that hike was powerful. The majority of those hiking were wearing head-lamps, as the sun had not come up yet. The first 15 minutes was an uphill incline, but not terrible. The following 45 minutes - hour was straight up the mountainside, and very steep. There were people in front of me. There were people behind me. I stopped a few times briefly to catch my breath, have some water, and view the stars, lights of Calacalí, and the lights moving further away from me and approaching me.

     This was the thing that struck me the most. I was a part of this line of lights-- from the head-lamps. You could clearly make out this line of little lights bopping up and down, highlighting the flow of the path we were hiking. It was cool to see all of these lights; in front of me, showing the path I was about to walk, and behind me, seeing where I've just come from. And there were so many lights! There was probably just under 50 of us doing this hike. As I stopped, people would pass by me. I would hear them encouraging one another, laughing together, and on more than one occasion someone passing would offer some of their water.

     So here's my picture. This is the body of Christ. We are all walking on this path... little lights for Christ, hiking a difficult path in a dark world. We're taking this narrow path towards the summit. We're tired at times, alone at times; but we're not alone. There are many others walking the path and they are happy-- they're filled with joy as they walk towards the goal, offering help and encouragement to their brothers and sisters. Though it's tiring, it's worth it. Our bodies actually like the exercise, and the view at the top, the reward-- it's totally worth it.

     It was a cloudy morning and we were in the mountains, so we didn't get a really crisp, defined, or colorful sunrise. But the view was awesome. And I will certainly be doing the hike again.

     Ask yourself this today: Who do I know that needs that extra word of encouragement today? Who is in need of water or is sitting down because they're so tired? How can we laugh with, encourage, or be there for someone else who is walking on this path with us?

The view from the top: The town of Calacalí

Monday, February 25, 2013

Our Fire Pit

    We still don't have internet access. It turns out this process of getting internet may be even more complicated than we thought. Apparently to receive internet services from the main/best internet company in the country, you have to have a Cedula number. A Cedula number is basically the equivalent of a Social Security Number. Anyone not born in Ecuador uses their Passport number to stand in place of a Cedula number. The problem is, the amount of numbers in a passport ID and the amount of numbers in a Cedula aren't the same. So computers won't allow a passport number in place of a Cedula number. Therefore... we are going to have to look into private internet providers... so the process continues. Would you join us in prayer about this? We'd really like to e-mail, skype, FaceTime, update our website, blog, and connect with people on facebook... among other things... from our home.

    But not having as much technology at home does have up-sides. For instance, it gave me the time to hunt for big rocks and make a fire pit in our side yard. It gave us time to collect wood from El Refugio, and then start a fire in our fire pit. We had time to simply sit around the fire, pet the dogs that live with us, play with Kaia, and enjoy watching her take in the first fire we've had at our home here in Ecuador.

   So, this is a much shorter blog entry... but maybe that means more of you will read it all the way to the end! And, pictures are always more fun, anyway, right?

   Lulu, the oldest of the dogs on our property, gave birth to a little black puppy a little over a month ago. He's a rolly-polly little guy, like the mouse 'Gus' from Cinderella... so yesterday we gave him a name: Gus.

Lulu, the mother of our new little guy, Gus

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

On Suffering.

This has been quite the year of transition for us. Kaia turns one this weekend, and it’s crazy to realize that just a year ago we were ‘living’ at the International Teams headquarters in Elgin, Illinois, without a daughter. Before that we had been ‘living’ in many different spare rooms as we traveled around the country support raising for 4 1/2 months. We had difficulties and trying times over the past year: car problems, learning to care for a newborn, packing and unpacking over and over again, living in a foreign country (Costa Rica), learning a new language, adjusting to a new culture (twice, now), and many processes to go through with governments, embassies, and visas.

Adjusting to life here in Ecuador really hasn’t been bad. There have certainly been ups and downs, but it is so good to finally be in the country we’ve been working towards for close to two years now. At the beginning of this month I went to Santa Clara, an area in Quito where there are vendors that sell handmade wood furniture. This furniture is typically cheaper or the same price as non-wood or partial-wood furniture that you would buy in other bigger stores. The other cool thing is that you can commission people there to make furniture pieces to the sizes and styles you prefer. Obviously, they’re skills are varied and perhaps limited, but it’s cool that you can bring them a picture from a catalog and they can try their best to replicate it. This doesn’t cost any more than the pieces in their shops... it just costs more in that you can’t take it home with you that same day.

We decided to commission the vast majority of the wood furniture we wanted through these various furniture makers in Santa Clara. I actually ended up working with 5 different men from different store fronts when all was said and done. The time estimations or promises ranged anywhere from 5 days to 2 weeks. One guy I worked with said 2 weeks and delivered early-- in 11 days! Three others got me their furniture within 12 hours of when the promised. The 5th has still yet to deliver. He told me two weeks. Then he told me 3 weeks. Then he told me in three more days. That was supposed to be today. Tomorrow will make 26 days.
One of the pieces of furniture we bought
When he didn’t stick to his word the first time, I was angry. All of the others had delivered on time (relatively) and he tried telling me that I had written things down wrong and they still had another week. He has outright lied to me several times now. It’s frustrating. But it’s not the end of the world. It would be really nice to have our coffee table and a cabinet to put our sheets and blankets in that are still sitting in a suitcase... but it’s not the end of the world.

The truth is, I have responded to this whole situation like it was the greatest injustice ever committed. I got pretty heated. And I think a lot of it was just every hoop we’ve had to jump through and every frustrating process and lie we’ve encountered coming to a head in this one situation... but I was so silly in thinking of how terrible it is that I don’t get to have a coffee table to put my feet up on yet.

This is not suffering. There are people suffering for the gospel all over the world. There is persecution and terrible acts being committed against christians who are living their lives openly or secretly for Christ. I have a friend from college who lost his wife to a battle against cancer today. I remember meeting his wife, Christie, our freshman year... I buried her dorm-room window in snow with a friend of mine. Today she left behind a daughter under 2 years old and a husband who is now a widower at 27 or 28 years old. This is pain. This is suffering.

And yet Christ is in our suffering. We had an annual team conference this weekend, and I had the opportunity to talk briefly with our soon-to-be interim team leader. He was telling me how glad it made him that in the face of adversity-- in our hardest, most trying times, that is when God is most glorified. Those are the times that we realize we are not capable, we don’t have the strength or ability, and we are forced to rely on God to fill in and empower us because we simply can’t do it ourselves. When we fall back in exhaustion and inability into the arms of Christ, He takes that soft, malleable clay and makes beautiful things. And He uses us to do and say amazing things. So this leader was telling me how excited he was for these coming challenging days to arrive, where he would be pushed in difficult ways to grow, be used, and allow Christ to use him.

Jason and Christie Engelmann
So I will rejoice in the face of suffering and difficult times. I will cry, I will journal, I will make art, and do anything else I can to get the emotions out... and I will lay my body and will down in the hands of Christ to use me and glorify my creator. For He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ever hope or imagine.

I will miss my friend Christie... and my heart aches for her family-- especially for her husband and daughter. But what a joy to know she ran the race in Christ’s name and that now she is in glory with our Father, praising His name with the angels and those who have gone before us. Amazing.

Friday, January 11, 2013

We are in Ecuador.

   It has certainly been far too long since we wrote an entry on this blog. Since our last post we have left Costa Rica, safely arrived in Ecuador, searched for and bought a car, celebrated Christmas and New Years, moved out of our director's house to the house at El Refugio temporarily, searched for a house to live in, and signed a lease for a home in Calacalí.

   How have these things gone, you ask? Well... let me tell you.

1. Flying out of Costa Rica was a little crazy. We had a lot of bags, had to pay extra baggage fees, and almost were bumped from the flight to leave a day later. We weren't, however. Kaia did pretty well on the 2 hour flight, though she did roll off of the seat about a minute into our arrival into the plane. But it was a smooth flight, Paul (our director) picked us up without a hitch, and we quickly settled in to staying with his family.

2. Staying with Paul's family. Paul and Beth had 2 kids: Jack age 4 and Carleigh age 2. I say had, because less than a week into staying with them, Beth gave birth to their son, Tilghman! We stayed at their place a bit longer than expected to help with their new family of 5!

3. Searching for a car. Danny is an Ecuadorian from El Refugio who has been assigned to us as an 'on-boarding' host. He and his wife Katy are meant to help us acclimate and aid us in things that are difficult to do in a new country: i.e. buy a car. With his help, we bought a 1998 Mitsubishi Montero within the first 2 weeks. We've already put many miles on it and are so thankful to have a way to get around!

4. Christmas and New Years Eve were spent with Paul, Beth and their kids. It was really nice not to just be on our own, and we had a great time making and eating yummy food, opening presents, watching Christmas specials, and of course watching fireworks!

5. Moving out to El Refugio. We've been staying at the large house on the property of El Refugio for over a week now. Howie and Mary Scholl are another missionary couple on our team and they're back in the States spending the holidays with family. So, they're graciously letting us stay at their place while we find out own place to live in.

6. Which brings us to our last big thing: Our house! Paul had his eye on a home really close to El Refugio for quite some time, but never saw the owner. In the past he had left his phone number hoping to hear from the owners several times, but never heard back. Then, one day as he and I were leaving El Refugio, he noticed a car in front of the house. We stopped by and talked with the people who were there. Long story short, it was their vacation home that they only stay at about twice a year, and they were eager to rent it to us! It's a perfect location with great outdoor space, chickens, a couple of dogs, and we truly believe God prepared this place specifically for us!

7. Moving in. So, we've had the keys for a while now, but have yet to spend our first night there. Why, you ask? Well... we have no bed. They should be delivering it today, however. Also, the couple pieces of furniture in the place are on loan temporarily from our landlord as we wait for our furniture to be made/delivered. But! In the meantime, we've been painting, buying things we need to survive, and I've been installing ceiling lights. We'll post more pictures once it's filled with our furniture and is more presentable... in the meantime, I'll give you a sneak peak of a before and after painting picture. If you want to see all of the before/after photos, check out our facebook album here:

      So, things are great! We're settling in, taking things slowly, and are excited to begin easing into relationships, ministry, and the like.

 Happy Friday!


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Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Princess and the Pea... A Story of Impact

In Hans Christian Andersen’s The Princess and the Pea, the princess’ nobility is confirmed by her incredible sensitivity, by the impact of one tiny pea, felt through twenty mattresses and feather beds!  We learn that impact is not simply the act of something pushing or impressing but of the pushing being felt, the impression being noted. Impact. We strive for it in our lives and in our work, and, of course in our theatre!

im·pact noun \ˈim-ˌpakt\
1a : an impinging or striking especially of one body against another
1b : a forceful contact or onset; also : the impetus communicated in or as if in such a contact
2: the force of impression of one thing on another : a significant or major effect

How have PlayGround playwrights and plays impacted you this year? Have you been impressed? Moved? Affected?

GUS: We tell stories, Fanny. Flesh and blood stories by real people. Not shadows on a screen. Whatever inventions they invent, there’ll always be an audience for stories by real live people. (Ecce Homo by Jonathan Luskin)

Ready to make an impact of your own? Support the PlayGround Year-End Campaign and help us raise $25,000 to support PlayGround’s new play incubator programs. Every gift matters (remember the impact of that one little pea??). And through December 31, all gifts up to $100 will be matched courtesy of a generous anonymous challenge match, doubling your impact!

So, what are you waiting for? Invest in tomorrow’s great playwrights today! Give to the PlayGround Year-End Campaign! To join the PlayGround Cause and give online to the PlayGround Year-End Campaign, visit To give via PayPal, Google Checkout (Google is currently donating back all processing fees for donations made by year-end) or mail, visit To give by phone or for any other questions, call (415) 992-6677.

December People's Choice Award

The people have spoken... This month's People's Choice Award goes to Leah Halper for her original short play, Home Front, presented as a staged reading at the Monday Night PlayGround "Holiday Extravaganza" at Berkeley Rep this past Monday.  Congratulations, Leah!

Courtesy of Ms. Halper, we're pleased to share the first two pages from the award-winning script.  Enjoy!

by Leah Halper
Franklin Roosevelt—male, late 50s, ending his third term, tired but calm, in shirt sleeves
Eleanor Roosevelt—female, mid-50s, busy, sad; in period dress, shoes, & hat with purse
Mrs. Henrietta Nesbitt—female, 70, plainly dressed

Franklin’s White House study the week before Christmas, 1941. Sounds of moving furniture overhead off and on throughout.

(Franklin sits writing and smoking. Overhead, sound of breaking glass. He rolls his eyes.)

                                                                        ELEANOR (entering, breathless, peevish):
Franklin! How could you let me go off without telling me? They’ve taken over the entire upstairs! And now for Christmas dinner we’re to have three dozen

It’s wartime. Hardly knew myself.  (They wince at the sound of scraping furniture.)

But Christmas! And Winston—(Stops short. Removes hat.) You mean you didn’t know?

I knew he was coming. No idea when.  Security’s tightened up.

                                                                        ELEANOR (in despair):
Is this what it’s to be like? Our boys all off to war and within two weeks swoop! a convoy of babbling
Winston’s fond of you. (Smokes.) You never complained of his babbling before.

He’s already put in orders for sherry before breakfast, scotch and sodas—he said three or four, Franklin—before lunch, and French champagne and brandy before bed.

Give it to him if it cheers him up. He urgently requested a visit—left right after the Jap attack. Couldn’t hold him off. (Leaning in, pointedly.) We have a war on our hands now.

He specifies that the brandy must be 90 years old. (They look at each other. They have to laugh.) It’s provoking. (Really concerned.) And what can I possibly tell Mrs. Nesbitt? She planned a quiet dinner for six on Christmas Eve and a simple Christmas breakfast

I’m firing Mrs. Nesbitt in the New Year.

You can’t.

Wartime necessity.

You cannot interfere with my management of the household, Franklin. Upon that I insist.

Three times a day I’ve choked down the ungodliest food woman can inflict on man. Do you know word is out to pack hotplates so guests can scramble eggs on their own here?

She serves

                                                                        (Franklin joins in wearily)
plain food plainly prepared.

It’s bad enough that all Washington knows to eat before a state dinner. (Smokes.) The White House is now the meeting place for the free world. Very important people will be coming and going at very high levels, secretly and without notice. I will not torture prime ministers, presidents, and governments in exile with chipped beef on toast, shrimp wiggle, prune paste, or any other atrocity issuing from that woman’s kitchen. She’s fired as of the first of the year.

It’s prune whip. Where will she go? A widow without professional skills

Exactly! I see you grasp the situation.

Join us for the next Monday Night PlayGround at Berkeley Rep on Monday, January 16, 2012 at 8pm and choose your own favorite!

Friday, December 09, 2011

PlayGround's Year-End Top Ten List, Part II

Ten Reasons to Give to PlayGround – A Poem

Reason One:  We need your cash.
Reason Two:  We need it fast.
Reason Three:  We do good work.
Reason Four:  The cash won’t lurk.

(We put it right to work, we do,
We get it to the writers, who,
Create new plays in record time,
And do so with your precious dime.)

Reason Five:  Our need is great.
Reason Six:  It’s our full plate.

(Festivals, commissions, too,
Joint productions, actors who,
Read the words our writers write,
Directors who must get it right,
Space that costs a pretty penny,
Please believe our needs are many!)

Reason Seven is your taxes,

(Ask your tax-man, it relaxes,
The amount you have to pay,
So don’t forget to give today.)

Reason Eight:  Our staff is growing,
Reason Nine:  Reviews are glowing!

Reason Ten:  In fifteen years,
We’ve produced more laughs, more tears,
More local plays than all our peers!

That’s thirty-five, to count each one,
Six more are coming, for forty-one,

Short plays produced?
Well that’s six hundred!

Have you deduced,
Or, have you wondered,
How PlayGround works,
And, gets this done?

It’s through support from folks like you!
You know what you need to do.

You’ve seen our list – our “Ten Becauses,”
And, thank you for your gift today,
Have a Happy Holiday!

Thanks to Tom Swift for his contribution of this poem. For more information about the PlayGround Year-End Campaign, visit us on Causes at, email us at info<at> or call us at (415) 992-6677.

PlayGround's Year-End Top Ten List, Part I

To get you into the spirit, we asked the PlayGround Company to give us their Top Ten Reasons to Give to the PlayGround Year-End Campaign. Without further ado, here they are:

10. Because playwrights are sexy.
9. Because it's more fun than donating to 'WorkGround'.
8. Because everyone needs a little economic stimulus.  So, stimulate us.
7. Because The Muppets are fully funded.
6. Because we’ve been naughty AND nice.
5. Because for just ten cents a day, you can feed 36 playwrights and Bay Area theatre for a whole year!
4. Because, next to sex and exercise, nothing will make you happier (really, there’s been a study)!
3. Because where else can you see a musical about the DMV?
2. Because your generous contribution can keep at least one playwright from marrying for money.

And the number one reason to give to the PlayGround Year-End Campaign is…

1. Don't make us write you into one of our plays as a villain.

To give to the PlayGround Year-End Campaign, visit us on Causes, give through PayPal or call us at (415) 992-6677.

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The Rise of CLT

Spread the love

Cross-laminated timber (CLT) is growing in popularity, with worldwide production of CLT expected to reach 1 million m³ by 2015 (Schickerhoffer). The ambition of timber engineers around the world is growing in equal measure as we push the limits of the material, by building ever taller structures.

In 2008 the Stadhaus, in London, became the tallest residential timber building in the world, reaching a lofty 9 storeys. It was a game changer; modern timber structures had never been built this tall before. Five years passed before the Stadthaus lost its title of tallest residential timber structure to the Forte building in Melbourne; a residential timber building one storey higher than its predecessor, standing at 32.2m.

The race continues to build the next world beater, but going higher poses technical challenges, not least ensuring the stability of the building. The uplift forces at the base of a CLT building, due to the wind on the structure increase in proportion to the square of the building height. This rapid increase in loading means that the next generation of timber buildings (10-20 storeys in height) will require the development of new connection details to prevent, the floor plates from crushing between the walls and the building lifting off the ground.

Uplift Force at Ground Floor vs Number of Storeys
Uplift Force at Ground Floor vs Number of Storeys

Recently at Ramboll, we have been involved in the design of, what will become, the tallest residential timber building in the UK. Naturally this has caused us to consider some solutions to overcoming these problems. Here is a selection of ideas that we have been considering:

Notched floors and walls

This solution uses castellated CLT floor slabs to provide direct load transfer between walls. Nail plates are positioned at the castellations to transfer uplift forces between the CLT walls.

3D View: Continuous CLT Wall and Notched CLT Floor with Nail Plates
3D View: Continuous Wall and Notched Floor with Nail Plates

Hardwood Dowels

Hardwood dowels within the CLT floor slabs prevent crushing of the floor by loading timber in the strongest and stiffest grain direction.

3D View: Hardwood Dowels Prevent Crushing of CLT Floor Plates
3D View: Hardwood Dowels Prevent Crushing of CLT Floor Plates

Bolt-through Connection

This bolt-though connection uses proprietary high capacity uplift connections bolted through the CLT slab to transfer forces between the walls.

Section: Bolt-Through Connection
Section: Bolt-Through Connection

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Friday, March 16, 2018

March is Movin' ahead....

Our window has been painted! It looks great and includes both Southeast Arizona Economic Development Group and the Western Heritage Cultural Center.

Improvements are continuing...Membership is growing. Our Networking luncheon went great. Our window has been painted. Western Heritage has now included another video on the Kiosk. The Chamber has a new inside sign. Come in and take a look!

As Benson continues into a new time we have many visitors interested in moving to the area. SAEDG provides consulting for Members which includes information on the availability of commercial real estate, things that are needed by the city of Benson and any other economic development information needed by businesses interested in locating to Benson or other towns in Southeast Arizona. Become a Member or rent one of our spacious cubicles which includes an Associate Level Membership, use of the conference room, luncheons, newsletters, special tours and more!


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GSA Schedules Spotlight… Schedule 738X

There are over 40 GSA Schedules, covering many different products and services.  Some are large and well known, such as Schedule 70 for IT products and services. Others you may not be aware … [Read more...]

Buyer Beware! Life Doesn’t Come With Guarantees…And Neither Does GSA!

Last December, the Florida attorney general filed a complaint against a GSA consulting firm for violations of the Deceptive and Unfair Trade Practices Act.  The complaint alleges that the company … [Read more...]

GSA’s Reverse Auction Tool

GSA’s reverse auction platform has grown quickly since its launch in July 2013. From July 2013 to Jan 2015, total awarded auctions equaled $24 million - and 85% of that went to small businesses. … [Read more...]

Leaping the Hurdles to Government Contracts

When it comes to landing federal contracts, it might seem that big businesses have all the advantages – they have built up relationships with agencies, and have the funds and legal teams at the ready. … [Read more...]


text:
My Story Is Incomplete

Happy moments. My favorite happy moments seem a lifetime away. I sit here and look at pictures on my wall from the past four years. I see myself laughing and happy. Happy for real.

I see prom. I see performing. I see beauty. I see relationships. I see love and laughter: my most treasured memories, and then I think about now.

Now I see loneliness. I see sadness. I see idleness. I see heartbreak, judgement and bitterness. In the midst of what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, the best four years, I am trapped behind a curtain of insecurity and self hate.

Yes. I am sad. I’m afraid, actually. Paranoid, really, and almost always. I don’t want you to think I’m saying this to make you feel bad for me. I’m not depressed. Technically. I do lead a good life. I won’t deny that. But something inside me is misplaced.

I have to wonder how these things happened. My heart has been infiltrated with the toxic ideals of everyone around me. Somehow, tragically, I have allowed the perspective of my fellow humans to shape my view of myself.This is a fatal mistake.

I don’t have the privilege to entirely cast the blame off myself in this situation. I said I have allowed outside opinions to penetrate my soul and corrupt my self worth: My self worth.

I feel as though I’m sinking. My anchor is partly everyone else, but also partly me.

Partly me. I have some hand in the force that is dragging me down into a place in which I lose track of the sunlight, the happy things and the glittery presence of all that is beautiful.

So now I have this realization. This fact, now come to the surface in this dark place in which I now reside, could be considered an easy fix. Love yourself? Okay.

No. It’s a challenge. It’s a process. It’s hard and messy and full of failure, tears and beauty. Recovery is not something which we obtain by flipping a switch and waking up on the right side of the bed.

Learning this, learning how to correct my mistake, this is something that is a work-in-progress. Right now, I’m still heading downward. I have the desire to pull myself up and out of the blackness of insecurity, but I have discovered that it is not as easy as possessing a desire.

It’s a lifestyle change; one that I ache to achieve and improve upon so i can look back one day and say,

“Hey, I did that. I used to be that, and now I’m this.”

So I hope you’ll watch me and love me and probably laugh at me during this because feeling alone is a side effect of hating who you are. I’m ready to be done with that disease and the daily and numerous repercussions it entails.
I hope to one day relieve myself of it. I hope you’ll find my story encouraging and important.

So my story right now is open-ended. It’s incomplete, unfinished and kind of sad. I’m ready to burst back into my old world of sunshine, music, good coffee, big hugs and things that used to warm my soul. I’m not exactly positive on where to start or how to go about things, but I know the solution, the end product, and the method is self love.

I am so worth loving, and it’s time to make myself believe that again.

Written and loved on by Jordan Bogigian


text:
Domestic 3-Way (or more) Lighting Circuit

Sometimes you might want more than two switches on a lighting circuit. For example, one switch at each end of a hallway with another at the top of the stairs. If you have a big landing, you might even want four switches! Here’s how you do it.

3-way Junction Box

The third switch is referred to as an Intermediate Switch, although technically speaking it’s a Double-Pole Double-Throw switch. The Brown wire doesn’t connect to the switch, it’ll have to be joined with a connector in the back-box. The Earth will also have to be joined in the back-box, on the Earth bonding point if it’s a metal box. The Grey and Black wires connect to each side of the switch.

If you want more than three switches, just keep adding Intermediate ones in the same manner. They can go on either (or both) the Switch One or Switch Two sides.

This entry was posted in Domestic Wiring. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Domestic 3-Way (or more) Lighting Circuit

  1. Matthew W. S. Bell says:

    It’s a DPDT switch with two pairs of poles hard wired together, which isn’t quite the same thing.

Leave a Reply


text:
Microsoft Windows' franchise is getting weak on attracking new app

Three screens

Depsite repeatedly vowed to be the best of the 3-screens (computer, tv, mobile), Microsoft keeps being out-innovated in all three. And, developer is moving away.

Windows Media Center

Windows Media Center is selling on the promise of doing typical TV operation with ease and coolness, plus occasional use to browse the web, including Youtube and some peer-to-peer video has been the selling point. I picked a WMC over an XBox to keep Bluray in the same box.

I have been an advocate of "Windows Media Center", but I was considered to move away after the power-supply of my WMC dies. It was because the experiment has not been smooth. Playing a Bluray always requires me to use 3 remotes and almost everytime, a mouse. It is partially because of the 3rd party software. But, then WMC didn't give me a choice, because Microsoft didn't make one.

A friend showed me app on his Samsung Bluray player. VUDU's movie in HD-X at $5.99 is what I wanted

I watch very few movie at home (less than once a month), so I usually not deterred by a couple $ different on price.

Launching a VUDO demo video there is faster than me launching the Bluray that is already in my Bluray drive. And, I am not forced to watch over 5 min of junk which each Bluray disc force me to play.

Windows Media Center

Now, back home. Windows Media Center doesn't support VUDO.

Non it runs Windows on itself.

It has been a repeated theme that Windows are the last platform for anything cool. Hulu, Netflix streaming, Amazon streaming, and now

Model Action View

[I am still deciding to call it MAV, or MRAWV (Model Relation Action Widget View). The later is more accurate, but doesn't sounds any better.]

This MAV pattern gives a few advantage over MVC.

The controller-less pattern is more restrictive but allows better encapsulation, composability and reusablity (ECR).

ECR is possible because the patterns greatly simplified the message flow each component responsible for. Coupled with jQuery events binding, each components is self-contained, receives a single set of message and send messages to a single sink type.

When a widget is initialized, it binds itself to the known model. It also bind itself to any jQuery object events.

From the model, a widget receives well defined CRUD-like events. From the DOM, it receives well defined widget events (click, mouseover, change etc).

It is completely reactive, making it easy to write and predictable.

View is defined as a collection of widgets.

This pattern also adopts a strict convention from "Action" and "Model", and from "Model" to listener. It enables common (perhap open source) component to be use with model, especially on quasi-typed language (read: javascript).

Notice that a model can be chained to a upstream model. An upstream model can be either a superset of equal set of the downstream model.

The beauty of the design is that the upstream model can be located remotely. They can be connected with HTTP server over RESTful service.

While "Representational State Transfer" is elegant, having no way to conceptualize a state change sucks big time (for lack some of better words.)

It makes much more sense to call
   picture.tag("Expo 2010");
   if (picture.tags !== undefined) pictures.tags = []; pictures.tags.push("Expo 2010");

MVA patterns allows both Action and Model to be resides on a remote server from the widgets.

Does it work?
I am able to build a 6000 lines "mobapp 2.0" app without violating the pattern. It is not entirely easy in situation where some components want to talk to multiple model. I worked around it by introducing the concept of Relation, in which Relation is a model holding entries with pairs of ids.

So far so good.

Friendfeed and aggregator

Friendfeed accepts Facebook's friend request. link

I think it is the best things happened to Facebook for a long while. I had said it long ago (2 years?) that Friendfeed completes my social network needs.

I was feeling excited when Friendfeed made its first Facebook app. Now, I could aggregate my online identity into a single place for friends who cares. And, I wished to see the deeper side of my friends too (what book they put in their Amazon's wishlist, what do they blog, what do they digg etc.) The critical mass of facebook made it so useful (if Facebook's platform where more friendly to FriendFeed applications)

Technically, aggregation is the way to go for the ultimate network effect. However large you're, you cannot cover everything.

Sure, if everyone plug-in to you, it will be easiest. (Facebook's app, Windows app, iPhone app)

And, some of the major Waterloo in technologies happens when a large company believes that they can makes existing best of breed change for them, and makes it the only option. Examples are WinFS, where they designed it to be useful when everyone changes their file format in order to join WinFS. Oracle's Database Filesystem is another. Same for Cardspace and other identity service.

Google search (and Desktop search) is the most representative a successful aggregation. Instead of requiring how a webpage should look, Google, the Aggregator, invests in the bridging, gopher, and pull in everything. It works better for standard conforming page, but still works for other. Desktop search (from both companies) is much less than the vision of WinFS, but then it works because it doesn't require you to change Microsoft Word's file format for it to be useful.

I predict Google Wave is another major Waterloo. The UX of Google Wave is superb, and the scenario is simply convincing. But instead of aggregate, it requires you to embed the Wave app and dictated Google as the only storage. It would be nice to them and user if they can pull it off, but I doubt it. Unless the figure out a way to include the best of breed to come or already out there, I don't see that they can go very far.

Dreams of an "Engine Company"

Maybe Dreams of Engineers too!?

It is a well-made "commercial", feeling bad calling it so, but I don't know what else to call it. It definitely improves my perspective on Honda. Totally inspirational. I love it.

I think I am failing every day. Since the day I started the ideas on, there had never been a day when I felt I finished enough. Sometime I lost to distraction; lost to urgent things that are not as important; lost tireless; sometime I just wanted to finish more; I struggle to become more productive, to ignore unimportant things, to find the right balance to allocate time between tools and end product, to stay focus (which is one of the hardest).

I doubt everyday am I smart enough for my goals. I think the differences between stupidity and admirable endurance are hair thin. One is you do exactly the same things and never stop; the other is you do almost exactly the same thing and never stop.

The video gave me a powerful push today. I know I won't finish as much as I wanted today. I know I am not going to settle for less. I tried to ask myself for less, I couldn't.

Thank Honda!

Computer on everyone hands

The 500 Millions App downloaded is amazing. It is even two years since it comes out.

It just reminds me the day that Windows 3.0 come out. All little utilities flourish. There were even CD selling that come with like 300 sharewares. I wish the innovation at Apple continue no matter what Steve's health will be...

A new year reflection

Welcome to 2009. A year's just started! Time to renew the blog habit, and do some new year reflection.

This blog was most active in the beginning of 2006. At that time, I was working for a mid-size software company on their Eclipse IDE product in Fremont Seattle. (I missed the day I walk to work, and the coffee shops around.) While I loved the tools, working in UI wasn't exactly what I wanted to build my career long term at the time.

I liked to drive deep and interested in Transaction, Caching, O/R kind of stuff, which was what I learned from my first paying jobs.

I wanted to continue on that, so I registered (it is like my 8th idea) and worked a bit on my own on distributed cache. Read and think a lot on the topic and that was why I have much to write on that.

I joined a large software company, a clustering project, on the manageability team. I was hoping my knowledge on the my previous work will be useful. In the beginning, I was really wishing to join for the engine side of the team. (I am still on manageability but no longer under the stealth project. The org structure makes sense, manageability at scale has much border application than scaled up or scaled out server. Manageability at scale is the manageability problem.) It is only natural for a critical server product to work on scalability, but it was a stealth project so I didn't try blog about work. Sometimes, a lot of the inspiration is coming from work. Without blogging those, I simply blogged much less.

After joining the company, on my own time, I shifted a little bit and develop a hobby project which was related to social network. I thought an open-platform can be game changing even against fierce competitors. I was looking at the online-identity (eg, stuffs for that idea. On a thick stack of loose-leaf papers I drawn the idea, algorithm, and page flow, etc. In code, I didn't go too much beyond coding the login authentication logic (separate login server, passing obfuscated token with page redirection etc. It was interesting to understand what all these HTTP 3xx code about.) Well, I have witnesses on open-platform social-network idea. When facebook came out with their own, and I looked at their initial API, I knew they got it. (I only have the idea. I am not even close enough to any result to feel sour about. Result is everything.) Online-Identity actually become less relevant because of it, imo. Shall the killer app at the time uses online-identity, the landscape might look quite different today. Success is path dependent. It is also the network effect.

Busy at times for different reasons, and phew! 3 years have passed.

Looking forward, there are a lot more interesting problems calling (and even screaming) for solutions.

1) Phone hardware (and even OS) is certainly coming to the rip time. Time has comes for a computer on everyone's hand.

2) As more interesting web apps emerge independently, there is also data scatter problems.

3) We are also tearing ourselves by letting too many irrelevant notifications interrupted us for the fear of missing some important one.

4) Alright, this is the last one, I need to throw some food for those curious minds:
I start to think that the last piece of puzzle of Turning Test is not AI (Artificial Intelligence). It is not a problem about intelligence. (Intelligence is like a cocky joke at the right moment that makes everyone laugh.) The last piece of puzzle is something much more predictable and readily extract from the memory we have. Someone can be very human even when he don't do any cocky joke, but share some common memory with you. You will feel closer (and more human), if someone reminds you that you two shared the feeling on an anecdote.

This year, I am working on the solutions on these problem. They are not as complicated to solve as it appears, and they overlap a lot. Those are going to be blog topics this year. Stay tuned!

Google vs. Live Search

With English as my second language, I occasionally use “Internet Search” to check expression that I am about to write down. I aware that sometimes a phrase that I come up might not be the way a native speaker would express it. Sometimes, what I feel a bit odd might be quite regular to him/her.

This time, the phrase is
“Knock on the heart”

I tried it on Google and “Microsoft’s Live Search”.
It demonstrates again Google has superior linguistic analysis on the query (and what is indexed) than Live Search.

With Google, the first link is a video that is an exact match. The other links has a title “Knock outs sweet heart”, “Knock out my heart” and “Knock against my heart”, etc., which *mean* similar thing as my input query. With Live Search, all the links are random with the words “Knock” and “Heart”.

Imagine it is a Tuning Machine test and I ask “show me something that has the expression of knock on the heart”.

Google, as robot wrapped in a human-like skin, replies, I know a video on “You tube” has the exact same title. I know Skechers has a line of shoes called “Knock Outs Sweet Heart”. I know Deidre wrote a blog entry about an Auto Show at Geneva. The title is “K.O. Cars Knock Out My Heart”.

It would be remarkable. It would be almost scary. I would say, “Wow, you’re so knowledgeable!!”

Live Search, as a pretty lady, replies, I know a joke “Knock-Knock Jokes for the young-at-heart.” I also know “Maisie is the heart of Knock Knock.” My reply? Eh? Conversation ended!

on Google Android

I won’t bet on Google Android yet.

Has Google convinced me that he understands the messy aspects of how to build a platform to allow third party development? For a platform to gain momentum, they really need some killer apps with it. The killer apps and platform is a chickens and eggs that need be solved at the same time. I am not saying Android cannot succeed, and Google maybe cooking something right under the cover. But, nothing is shown. Also, observed those who can do an killer app is not on-board. None of Sony, Nokia, RIM, MSFT, Apple are onboard.

Sun tried it with Java. It was a great platform, and Sun really know how to write good API and doc. But, …

Apple iPhone has the most proof so far. iPhone has succeeded as a killer app, and it invertible to become a great platform, even Apple tried to resist to become a platform. iPhone even has killer app using Google Map service. If Andriod gains any momentum, iPhone just need to drop the price.

Windows Mobile always has the old bags for the killing apps: Pocket Word and Excel, and most important deep integration with Outlook (Contacts, Calendar, Corp mail). The ability to stay in the game cannot be questioned.

RIM, Nokia and Sony are still making products that interest some segments of customer without Android. They’re probably going to stay in the game until they make very big mistakes on their own.


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Cuter, Better, Stronger: 2015

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

2014 was a year. Neither good nor bad, it just felt like I kind of floated through it, drifting down a river with a floaty around my waist. Yeah, this is alright. There were highs and lows, obviously, and I didn't drown.

That said, 2014 did plant seeds for some cool opportunities and I ended it on a high note, surrounded by balloons.

I'm not good with resolutions because I'm notorious for getting bored and kind of forgetting about things. If I had to sum up what I want for 2015, that'd be it: finish your shit.

A few days ago, I drew up a little list of things I want to focus on this year. A general idea followed by a few specifics to kind of measure my progress, I guess.

Be Creative

Set aside time for art. Allow myself to grow both as an illustrator and a graphic designer. Something that falls under this is my portfolio rebrand, which I'm almost finished with and I'm so in love with it. I'm also going to actively and regularly seek inspiration via other graphic designers. I'm really lame in the sense that I absolutely adore watching other creatives work and seeing similarities in how we handle tasks.

Be Strong

Pretty basic: read more (my very super modest GoodReads goal is set to a whopping 12), eat good things, and get back to working out regularly. I've been doing preeeeetty good on this so far and have done some yoga every day since January 2nd (shhhhhh) and read before bed the past two days. Casually brushes shoulder off.

Be Badass

This is for the professional business kitty side of things. Speaking for my freelance work, I want to nail down both my process and how I handle / organize client things. I already have a few projects in my pocket and some later on this spring that I'm stoked for. I also want to get that online shop thing going because passive income: it's a good thing.

Be Good

This is pretty simple but very important. As I've gotten older, my favourite people have ended up scattered across Canada. My best friend is in another province, my boyfriend in another city - along with the majority of everyone else. I want to make an active effort to visit pals and also generally be more appreciative of the time, efforts, and existence of these cool dudes I've been lucky enough to have in my life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That's about it. My rough plan is to use this here bloggy blog blog to keep myself on track and motivated and show off my tiny (and maybe not-so-tiny) accomplishments as the year goes on. If I'm still here come December 31st, I'll assume that 2015 ended up going pretty well.

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So Many Colonoscopy Referrals, So Few Appointments

Posted by Jeremy Guttman on 5/27/16 12:58 PM

8 out of 100 missed or delayed cancer diagnoses are a result of a failure of a requested referral to occur.1 Furthermore, a recent study found that the risk for colorectal cancer almost doubles when a patient with a positive stool test waits over a year to have a colonoscopy.2 Colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the United States3 and up to 90% of colorectal cancer deaths are preventable with early detection.4

A significant amount of gastroenterologist referrals are for colonoscopies.5 But for every two patients who are referred by their physician to get colonoscopies, only one of them will end up getting the colonoscopy.6

Why don’t people get their recommended colonoscopies?

According to a study in the Journal of General Internal Medicine, a common reason patients don’t schedule their appointment is that they are too busy. Almost half of the males in the study reported this reason, which is often connected to underlying fears and embarrassments related to the procedure.6

Additional reasons for non-scheduling include a heavier focus on other health concerns, transportation issues, and health system barriers such as patients not knowing it is their responsibility to call to schedule an appointment.

“About 40% of noncompleters, regardless of any fears or concerns they might have had about colonoscopy itself, encountered system barriers to arranging the procedure.”6

So how can more people get proper screening? Through better communication between providers and patients, better assistance in resolving logistical barriers, and improvements to referral and scheduling mechanisms.

In a well-known column titled “A journey into my colon -- and yours," comedian Dave Barry talks about how people don’t get their recommended colonoscopies because they think the procedure is invasive. He also provided colorful commentary on the less than pleasant preparation in this video:

Benefits of colorectal cancer screening

Humor and creative advertisements are an effective way to raise awareness of the need for colonoscopies, but the issue is a serious one. Screening has been shown to decrease colorectal cancer incidence by up to 54% and mortality by up to 60%.7 On top its life-saving qualities, recommended screening for colorectal cancer is one of the CMS Core Quality Measures agreed upon by a consortium of government regulators, private insurers, and leading health organizations earlier in 2016. With an average 50% patient non-adherence rate for colonoscopies, many physicians are going to score low on their colorectal cancer screening metrics for their practice, potentially impacting reimbursement.

[INFOGRAPHIC] 10 Essentials of Closed-Loop Referrals:  GET CHECKLIST

Benefits of high-performance referral management for colonoscopy referral adherence

High-performance referral management can increase patient colonoscopy adherence by

  1. Improving communication7
  2. Improving and standardizing the colonoscopy referral process7
  3. Encouraging patient adherence at every step of the referral process

When referral orders are more visible to specialists through electronic referral management, gastroenterologists are able to know 100% of the time when a patient is referred for a colorectal cancer screening. That way, gastroenterologists can contact patients directly instead of waiting for the patients to contact (or, half the time, not contact) them.

Electronic referral management provides referral performance metrics, so PCP practices can identify patients that are not making appointments to get recommended colonoscopies. Metrics allow PCP practices to make further changes to their referral workflows to increase adherence when a patient declines an appointment, such as following up with patients when specialists can’t get in touch to schedule the referred appointment.

When PCPs follow up with patients who did not schedule recommended colonoscopy appointments, referral management allows PCPs to be proactive more quickly. They can provide motivational interviewing and use other techniques to do more for their patients without having to wait until the next visit.

The many benefits of electronic referral management are a result of tracking and closing referral loops, which cannot be done easily with just an EHR system. High-performance referral management allows PCP practices to see referral time-to-treatment and time-to-acceptance specialist performance data so they can choose the best performing gastroenterologists to partner with on patient referrals.

For many practices, referral performance metrics are revolutionary. After implementation the practice can see, for the first time, which patients are getting recommended specialist appointments, which ones aren’t, and how long the referral process takes at every step of the way. With high-performance referral management, PCPs and specialists are more informed than ever before and fewer patient gastroenterology diagnoses are missed or delayed.

How does your practice increase patient adherence for colonoscopy referrals? Share your patient hand-off strategies in the comments below.

1 Annals of Internal Medicine |

2 Medscape |

3 BioMed research international |

4 Cancer Epidemiology Biomarkers & Prevention |

5 Internal Treatspace metrics

6 Journal of General Internal Medicine |

7 Gastroenterology |

Topics: Care Coordination, Referral Management, Closed-Loop Referrals, Patient Adherence


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Tag Archives: game

Rumour: 3DS Circle Pad Add-On Revealed? (Update)

With the Tokyo Games Show coming up, it’s no big surprise that rumours are flying around – however, this one appears to have a lot more weight behind it than most, with a picture appearing of what seems to be the attachment for the 3DS’s second analog stick.

As seen in the picture below, the image was revealed in Famitsu this week, showing the addition being a clip on cradle that also adds some shoulder buttons. There are high hopes that this will help the 3DS against the Vita with Monster Hunter series producer Ryuji Tsujimoto stating that it is indeed a “secret weapon”

Take a look, and see for yourselves whether it’s a mock-up, or completely legit under the more banner here.

(Source: Siliconera )

Update: Kotaku has revealed a little more about the add-on, with the add on being more a cradle for the 3DS, and blocks the game slot and wireless switch, so that will be taken off to switch games every time. It’s being called ugly, and potentially one of the ugliest pieces of Nintendo Kit…What about the Virtual Boy?  Everything else seems to be unblocked though.

Continue reading Rumour: 3DS Circle Pad Add-On Revealed? (Update)

Graverobbing a PS3

A young man, Bradley McCombs, passed away on Christmas Day in Pennsylvania.  On his funeral was adorned some of his favorite video games, including a Ps3 and a small fortune in games.  Unfortunately, Jody Lynn Bennett, a fellow Pennsylvanian, stole the items from McCombs’s casket and attempted to sell them for drugs.  The man was eventually caught after a tip to the police, and was charged with “theft, abuse of a corpse and intentional desecration of a venerated object”

The mother of the deceased man actually apologized for the thief, blaming the actions on a drug problem.

What a jerkface!

Source: Destructoid

Code’s Corner : Games of the Year 2010

My name is Code, and welcome to my corner!  [It’s the tiny office with 3 walls.]  2010 was a remarkable year in gaming, mostly due to my purchase of an Xbox360, and finally having access to all the titles on all consoles.  There was no shortage of amazing titles this year, spanning all consoles and genres.  So what was the best of the best?  Which titles won over my heart in each console?  Join me after the jump, and find out!

Continue reading Code’s Corner : Games of the Year 2010

Entertainment Weekly : Recalls Kirby Epic Yarn Fiasco

You may or may not have caught Entertainment Weekly’s Jeff Jensen stating that Kirby’s Epic Yarn was the WORST game of 2010, because it was “too cute”.  While I’m a strong proponent of free speech and allowing the opinions of others to be heard, Jensen’s reasoning behind the game’s flaw as the worst game [which, frankly, let’s look at some Wii shovelware and compare the two] were weak and baseless at best.

Apparently, Jensen also admits it at this point.  He openly admits that the purpose behind the making of the “worst” game segment was to spark a controversy and get the gaming world talking about “cuteness” in gaming.

Frankly, I don’t see where a “cuteness in gaming” kind of controversy would go anywhere.  Do we really want to completely kill the entire family-friendly market of games?  Gaming market divisions would just as rather cut off their right arm and enter a Twister tournament.

Source:  Destructoid

Game Informer tops Time Magazine

You read that right!  Game Informer, with a whopping 4,364,170 paid subscribers, has just recently surpassed Time Magazine in terms of subscriptions and circulation, to take the #7 spot in the US Consumers Magazines top 25 list.  To add to the amazement?  It’s a mere 100K away from taking National Geographic off the #5 spot, and coming into the top five most subscribed consumer magazines!

While I’ll be the first to admit that there are several HEAVY factors in their success [a low yearly subscription rate, GameStop perks and awesome covers], I still find it amazing how much success the magazine has found.  Makes me wonder why we don’t have a more active gaming political entity.

Source:  Joystiq

Saint’s Row “3” and Saint’s Row Movie Readying for Annoucement

Fans of the Saint’s Row franchise can rejoice!  [Ok, so pretty much just me around here can rejoice].  Saint’s Row developers announced that the next installment in the Saint’s Row series as well as a live action movie are going to be announced next month.  While no details were announced regarding either of the projects, developers assured gamers that both will remain as “over the top” as the previous games.

If the movie is as over the top as the games, then I think I’m going to cry tears of joy…

Source:  Joystiq

In-Game Advertising Axed at Microsoft

Happy news for gamers like me that despise in-game advertising!

Microsoft recently decided that they will be ending their in-game advertising developer, Massive INC.  Despite the relatively high face value of the company, Microsoft is looking to sell it for only a fraction of what it was originally worth.  The decision behind this wasn’t so much motivated towards gamers complaining, but rather because it’s much cheaper to advertise through the XBL marketplace, and negotiating in-game dealings seemed to cause more of a headache than it was eventually worth.

Despite the reasons behind it, I’m fairly happy about this, mostly because I’m not fond of Pepsi popping up in the middle of my gaming experience.

Souce:  ConsolePress

Square Enix TGS Confirmed/Updated Lineup

Square Enix fans can enjoy the following titles, which will recieve coverage at the upcoming Tokyo Game Show:

Front Mission Evolved
Kingdom Hearts Re:coded
Lord of Arcana
Tactics Ogre
Call of Duty: Black Ops
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
The 3rd Birthday
Mind Jack
SaGa 3
Gun Loco
Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
Final Fantasy XIV
Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy Legends
Final Fantasy Versus XIII
Final Fantasy Agito XIII
Final Fantasy XIII Ultimate Hits International
Unannounced Tetsuya Nomura project – Possibly Dissidia Duodecim: Final Fantasy

I’m especially excited about KH:ReCoded, because then SE will have no excuse to begin production of Kingdom Hearts III.  It’s been 5 years guys.  FAR TOO LONG TO WAIT.  Unless you’re Duke Nuke’em fans.  In which case, my condolences.

Source:  NintendoEverything

Who Ya Gonna Call? MYTHBUSTERS!

Worst.  Pun.  EVER!

Anyway, onto the big news!  For fans of the hit television show Mythbusters, you’ll soon be treated to them busting some video-game releated myths!

“At some point there will be a video game special,” stated Adam Savage, one of the show’s hosts.

After delving a little deeper, the Mythbusters plan on busting some common video game myths.  Such as video game racing affecting real life racing, having a teenager race a professional race-car driver, using only the knowledge he’s received from racing games.  I certainly hope it wasn’t GTAIV or Saint’s Row.  It was also recommended to recreate the Assassin’s Creed roof plunging, to see if it’s actually survivable. Yikes..

Meanwhile, it’s my sincere hope that they address the fact that holding a gun sideways like Yuna from FFX-2 does not make for good aim.   Or that skimpy armor cannot hope to block bullets and/or swords.  [I’m looking at YOU Rikku!]

Source:  Kombo


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Tag Archives: meghan telpner

The UnDiet Wean Green Experience & Giveaway!

Okay, so if you didn’t know this yet….chefs are to me what rock stars are to the majority of the population. Meghan Telpner is no exception, this rock star chef has followed up her first book, UnDiet, with a phenomenal cook book that helps you finesse your UnDiet menu! The UnDiet Cookbook truly is what the title promises. Amazing recipes that don’t require you to be on a ‘diet’. AANNNDDD they are gluten free. My heaven. Win a copy of The UnDiet Cookbook with a Wean Green Kitchen Set to store all of your new healthy recipes! a Rafflecopter giveaway A little bit about how awesome Meghan is: Toronto based author and nutritionist Meghan Telpner, brings her healthy and awesome life inspiration to fans across the globe. As founder of the Academy of Culinary Nutrition and author of the bestselling UnDiet: Eat You Way to Vibrant Health and The UnDiet Cookbook, she is fast creating a revolution in health and wellbeing. Inspiration is waiting at MeghanTelpner.com and follow her daily #UndietLife adventures @meghantelpner


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Grand Geneva Resort & Spa

You are currently browsing articles tagged Grand Geneva Resort & Spa.

The Grand Geneva Resort & Spa is Lake Geneva’s only AAA Four Diamond Resort. No matter what season, you’ll be inspired by the beauty of Grand Geneva’s exquisite surroundings. Located one hour from Milwaukee and Chicago’s northwest suburbs, Grand Geneva is tucked away on 1,300 scenic acres. The resort features 355 newly renovated guest rooms including 51 suites and endless activities including golfing, skiing/snowboarding, horseback riding and hiking. The resort also offers more than 62,000 square feet of meeting space, three distinctive restaurants, newly redesigned WELL Spa + Salon and an FAA approved airport right on site. Grand Geneva has everything to help you unwind, relax or just get away! Travel Green Wisconsin-certified.

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Get away in January with a great deal!
Offers brought to you by the Wisconsin Innkeepers Association
Brookfield Suites

CopperLeaf Boutique Hotel & Spa

300 W.
College Avenue Appleton, WI

Discover the “Winter Warmer Package.” One night stay, $50 restaurant or Spa certificate and much more! Prices starting at $179.99. See Web site for details. Good through March 31, 2010.

Bay Shore Inn Resort

4205 Bay Shore Drive
Door County – Sturgeon Bay, WI

Quiet Time Special through April 2010: Enjoy two relaxing days at the Bay Shore Inn savoring the late fall/winter sights and activities of Door County and receive a third night free (some exclusions). Call 800/556-4551 to schedule a reservation.

Bridgeport Waterfront Resort

50 W. Larch Street
Door County – Sturgeon Bay, WI

Two night weekend romantic package starts at $269.

Chula Vista Resort

2501 River Road
Wisconsin Dells, WI

Enjoy all-inclusive for two people for two nights for only $99 per night! Includes all meals, all drinks, all waterpark activities and a great room. Valid through January.

Four Seasons Resort on Miscauno Island

N16800 Shoreline Drive
Pembine, WI

Your Island Escape is minutes away. The resort offers a all-suite hotel, several bars and restaurants, indoor pool, and golf course. Mention this ad to receive 10% off!

Grand Geneva Resort & Spa

7036 Grand Geneva Way
Lake Geneva, WI

Stay and Ski FREE at Grand Geneva! Stay Sunday-Thursday starting at $69.50 per person and get two area tickets to The Mountain Top for skiing or snowboarding. Reserve your winter getaway now.

Holiday Inn Express Hotel & Suites

State Hwy. 54 E.
Black River Falls, WI

Stay any Sunday through May 10 and receive a 20% discount. Call the hotel directly and mention the Innkeepers special.

Grand Geneva

Homestead Suites

4006 Main Street
Door County – Fish Creek, WI

Through April 2010: stay two nights and get a third night FREE! *Excludes holidays and special weekends **Limited availability**

Sand County Vacation Rentals

116 W. Monroe Avenue
Wisconsin Dells, WI

Stay and Ski for Free with any condominium reserved from January 4, 2010 through March 15, 2010. Call for availability.

Grand Geneva

Waterbury Inn

10321 Water Street/Hwy. 42
Door County – Ephraim, WI

Looking to get away this winter? Come stay at the Waterbury Inn! Stay January or February and you could win a pair of tickets to Ski Brule!

Wyndham Milwaukee Airport Hotel & Convention Center

4747 S. Howell Avenue
Milwaukee, WI

Start your vacation hassle free with our Park and Fly Package! Room for two, up to two weeks parking, $15 beverage credit, and airport transportation. Starting at $105.

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in Business, Creativity, Marketing, Motivation, News, Philosophy, Psychology, Scyence

Tell Me A Story From The Borderlands – The Story That I Would Like To Play

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.” – From the movie “WarGames”, 1983

Yesterday I published an article about doing things for yourself. Well, I’m writing this one less than 10 minutes after finishing that article.

It’s something that’s been rolling around my mind for a while and is going to be about storytelling, the video game series “Borderlands” and what I as a player would like to see in the story.

I understand that it’s not for everybody, and it’s really just a post from me to… Well… Me!

So, this began when I was thinking how one could use the mechanics to help tell the story in a video game. At the time there was talk of a game based on Lovecraft’s “Cthulhu Mythos”.

What mechanics would help tell that story?

I went through and analyzed a bunch of old video games and came across “Missile Command” from 1980.

The game is pretty basic but what fascinates is that the outcome, much like in “Robotron 2084″, is that you inevitably lose.

Missile Command & Robotron 2084Trés classique!

A theme I find in Lovecraft’s world is that it’s unforgiving. It doesn’t care if the main character is good. It doesn’t care if they‘re tenacious. It beats them mercilessly until they succumb to madness.

There’s really no escaping it, and using Missile Command’s mechanic I felt would help tell the story.

However, given that the outcome is either getting killed by the robots or nuclear annihilation, what are we to learn from it?

Let’s hear what Dave Theurer the creator of “Missile Command” has to say:

Looking back “Borderlands” has continuously been asking the player the question: “Who is the hero?”. Thus challenging our assumptions that we must be the hero. Because we’re basically good human beings, right?

Curiously enough in Telltale’s “Tales From The Borderlands” it’s the villain Handsome Jack that hands us the lesson:

“Everybody thinks they’re the hero of their own story.”

Where do you go from there?

Sure, you could keep hammering that lesson home while also giving us another awesome iteration of the game with some added features, new characters etc.

But is there anything else we can pick up from these two games?

Tales From The Borderlands - Rhys & JackWhoa, hold your holograms!

A mechanical aspect to both “Missile Command” and “Robotron 2084” is that they almost seem endless. Like you could go on and on and on without ever reaching the limit.

Yet another quote from Handsome Jack about how we as players inevitably are sucked into the game’s main mechanic:

“Take a good look around you Rhys… this is what success looks like. You’ll see… after a while you start to measure it by the size of the pile of destruction around you.

You’ve gotta break it down to build it back up. This was your first step in that. It’s the only way. You’ll see. And there’s so much to break down before you can build again.”

This quote illustrates the theory of anacyclosis. A theory stating that “benign” governments such as monarchy, aristocracy, and democracy are flawed and decay into malignant forms of government like tyranny, oligarchy, and mob rule.

Basically, it doesn’t matter how good your intentions are, the systems are inherently weak and unstable.

So, how can “Borderlands” tell this story and offer an answer?

In a much simpler way the solution to this was highlighted by Ash in “Pokémon: The First Movie — Mewtwo Strikes Back”:

“Someone’s got to take a stand. Someone’s got to say ‘no’ and refuse to fight.”

If you couple the “endless & inevitable” mechanic with the lesson from “Pokémon: The First Movie – Mewtwo Strikes Back”, I feel you’ve got a really good story and endgame.

The endgame could be in the form of a classic “Slaughterdome” where the last tier is unbeatable with ever stronger and an increasing number of enemies spawning.

Here a couple of ideas that’ve been bouncing around my head for the final mission.

  1. You have to sacrifice one of your companions to defeat the final boss.
  2. You watch Lilith follow the same road Handsome Jack did, and gradually turn into the enemy.
  3. Once you finish the main story you do whatever you can in order to stay in power and become the very same thing you fought to destroy.

These stories give us an honest chance to consider whether this is the kind of game we want to spend our time playing in the real world, or if there might be another way.

In terms of where the franchise and story could go next this might not be the best choice. Having a game basically tell the player: “If you play this game there can be only one outcome. The only way to win is to walk away.” might be risky.

However, I think gamers are ready to be challenged that way. The only thing that’d make us actually walk away is if the game isn’t fun.

Have a kick-ass ₢eative day!

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

All I want to do is....

SLEEP! I need SO much of it right now!

And I swear my belly is betting noticeably bigger every day.

I've got through the week at work fairly well I think. I managed to get Rob an appointment with the old sales calls, I've attended meetings about ops, sales and IT, a meeting up in the Lakes about staffing and training new cleaners up there (which meant I didn't get home till gone 7pm on Friday night because 'they' are digging Windermere up so the traffic was backed up and a 45 min drive took an hour and a quarter) and even got involved in training the new sales staff.

But this weekend all I have wanted to do is sleep!!!

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Kathy. It went pretty well. She and Tony are expecting their first baby too, she's almost exactly one month behind me. We talked about babies, pregnancy, miscarriages (something she's suffered from more than me, poor thing), cravings, names... usual stuff. It went ok. I even lent her a DVD which means we will be seeing each other again pretty soon. We spoke about meeting up again, maybe with Jill sometime and going out for lunch as 3 pregnant bellies.

Today I am meeting up with Jen and going for lunch. Not sure where we're headed yet but I am feeling the calls of a half pint of Guinness in the distance and might just cave in to it!

I had another 'moment' last night.

Around 12.30 I woke up and needed a pee. My bedside lamp was still on and I figured I'd turn if off once I'd got back into bed so I wouldn't fall over anything or stub my toe on the end of the bed. I caught a glimpse of my naked bod in the mirror as I walked past and got a shock.

Don't know why, I am well aware that I am pregnant. But every so often when I see this huge belly - that this time isn't just fat - with it's faint marbling's of blood vessels showing though and occasional movement as Wiggle shuffles about, and my growing breasts which have changed shape - as have my nipples which have also changed colour, what's that all about? - I got a shock. It sinks in that little bit more than in only a very few short weeks time I am going to be a mum. Or more to the point, I'm going to have a baby.

Actually HAVE it.

It's not the birth that worries me (I tend not to think about that much) it's the fact that I am going to be responsible for this life. This little person that will rely on me (and Yorkie too, but as he'll be at work, mostly me) to keep it warm, fed, loved and safe. This baby that I can't get fed up with and give back to someone else. It's not a game of Mums and Dads, or a computer game like the Sims were it doesn't really matter and you can stop and walk away when you've had enough, or babysitting where it does matter, but only for a few hours till the parents come back and then you can get on with your own life.

This is it. Forever! No going back. Nothing will ever be the same.

Granted, it will be better, but there is still this selfish part of me that screams out "What about my life? My hobbies? My fun?", or more to the point "What if I cant cope? What if I'm a crap mum? What if my baby is sick or dying and I can't tell?"

But then (by the time I'd had my wee and got back into bed next to my husband, who half woke up and asked if me and Wiggle were okay, then put an arm round us and hugged us) I got over it, and felt happy. Wiggle shuffled about a bit then settled down, and I figured that as countless millions of other women have got through this for millenia, I would too. Besides, I have an amazing husband, brilliant family and extended family, and the worlds greatest friends. It's not like I'm on my own out there with no help or advise.

I had just freaked myself out a bit. I don't think it is going to totally sink in that I have a baby until a day or two after I actually have the baba. No matter how many times I feel Wiggle move, see the scan pictures, hear the heart beat, it's still not totally real to me. Every so often it sinks in that little bit deeper and it's usually when I'm not expecting it to.

I can't imagine how Yorkie must be feeling.....
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