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Topsy-Turvy Day

My day got a little upsidedown today.

I am on vacation from work until Wednesday and because it is a provincial holiday the hall where Boss usually teaches was closed.  This meant that I had dance in the morning and did my strength workout in the evening.

In general it’s been a good day.  I am making myself take a break from school as well as work as all my pre-residency papers are done and I only have a couple of readings to do before Monday.  That is helping me relax some.

Thank you to those who read my post yesterday. A few people reached out in various ways and it was great to hear from you! A wiseman added a further perspective to the situation here–the social dancers tend to find me intimidating because I do technique (remember, this is a social dance community where everyone learns step sequences, but not much technique), and the competitor dancers see me as someone who has only been dancing for 2 years–most of it while sick–because that is when they started seeing me in the community.  Very few of them understand that I was dancing 4 years before they met me and I got sick. It’s bit of an ‘island mentality’ here to treat people as though they sprung into the society with no background and started life only when they arrived–especially if they are under 50.  I have encountered this in pockets all over the community–not just with dancers.

That aside, today was a good day–both for dancing and strength training.

For dance, we did a quick review of some of my exercises based on the feedback I gave Boss last week, then focused into standard.  We received a couple amazing reviews of the videos of our smooth routines from the pro who choreographed them and the interesting thing about smooth is that pointers from it also tend to apply to standard and latin.  One of the points she made was about my position and pointed out that I have a habit of ‘breaking’ my neck line.  This has me thinking about that and working to differentiate between when my head is ‘back’ and when it is ‘back and up’.

We also did some work on standard position and started taking some of the static things we have been doing and trying them in basic steps.  It’s going to take a lot of work, but doing so already has my mind thinking and processing and that is a good sign.

For strength training, I started the new program and I am a little relieved that it takes exactly 1 hour (there was concern from my trainer it would be too long).  I started with the cardio sequence Boss designed and that worked out really well.  It certainly got my heartrate up (my fitbit recorded a high of 170) and I like moving through the different exercises–some of which I haven’t done in a while.  It even incorporates 3-step turns (which when done over 2 minutes is a lot of turning!).

The strength training also brings back some exercises I haven’t done in a while (like pushups), but also adds some new ones.  It’s an interesting combination.

One thing that is making me a little nervous is that Friday morning bright and far too early, I have to go do a practice run of the PT test so that physio and the rehab specialist can see what it is I need to prepare for it.  I haven’t done it since before I was sick and I weigh 20lbs more than I did then and I have lost a lot of strength.  Physio told me to go in with no expectations and just see how it goes, so that is what I am going to try to do.  I just hope I don’t flare up my back or knees too much.

Well, that is a good summary of my day.  I am still giving a lot of thought to dance, but I think that for now while I am still recovering and doing school I am just going to keep doing my own thing.

Really, that’s all that I can do.

Continuing on…

My lesson on Wednesday went much better than the one on Monday.

It was focused on latin, so that was probably a good part of the battle–moving my body in latin just comes  a little more natural to me than moving as a block in standard.

The lesson was really a lot of trial and error to figure out what exercises I should be doing for latin, similar to the exercises I now have in standard.  We went through a bunch of different exercises in rumba, cha cha and samba, slowly building a program. One small victory for me was when Boss asked me to do some samba whisks and whatever I was doing, I guess I was doing it right because there was a sudden ‘well look at you’ from the corner of the studio.  Of course they weren’t on time (I wasn’t warmed up enough for my knees to cooperate quickly without pain), but they weren’t far off.  I am not sure I could have done a full minute of them, truthfully, but good to know I am doing something right in samba (which based on my comp marks seems to be one of my weakest dances).

Many of the exercises involve focusing on core and hip movements and controlling the movements, which honestly I really enjoy.  I also get to work while pushing my feet into the floor, something else I like.  Back to me being a tactile person.

We weren’t able to finalize the program for latin, but that doesn’t really bother me.  I would rather take time and be sure of what we are doing than to rush and have things be haphazard.  I am sure we will get it narrowed down at my lesson tomorrow.

For practice last night, I ran through the standard exercises 3 times.  I like how they are set up–1:30 of movement, 30 seconds rest through 8 different exercises.  Then a 2 min break and I start over.  I can set my fitbit to vibrate for each interval.  It’s a small start, but it’s a good one and I hope to increase the activity time once I gain more strength (don’t want to overdo things!).  Despite the struggles I had in my lesson on Monday, the exercises are already coming better and I am feeling a little more confident in them.  I still have to be very vigilant about twisting from my hips and not my upper body, and one of the exercises is still very challenging–but the point is to keep getting stronger, isn’t it??

I am actually pretty impressed with how this week is going for me.  My energy levels are staying consistent, I don’t feel exhausted and I have been doing work, strength training, dance lessons, practices and studying.  I am slowly settling into a balance and I hope I am able to maintain it.  I am also less than 1 week from my next shot and I still feel ‘hormonally even’, unlike last month.  I still plan to wait one more month before starting the additional hormone therapy just to give my body more time to adjust to the ovarian suppression before adding something new.  My fingers are crossed that the worse is behind me.

New Year

New work to be done!

Mainly, recovering from the past year.  As much as I would like to think that breast cancer is behind me (and the cancer part definitely is!), there are a lot of lingering side effects from treatment that will take close to a year to work out.

I am hoping that’s an over-estimation, but I am trying to manage my expectations.

First order of business is to continue healing from this surgery.  I am down to only one spot being bandaged and cleaned daily, but still have a few other spots that are ‘almost’ there.  I still have to wear the elastic binder around my waist, but even the nurse today commented that he wasn’t sure what help it was doing.  I have to wear it at least until I see the surgeon again on the 14th.

Second is getting through the first 3 months of hormone therapy.  After less than a week of taking it, I can tell it’s affecting me.  I am emotionally all over the place and the hot flashes are bad–especially at night.  I have to give it 3 months for my body to adjust and then go from there.  I am hoping my body adjusts sooner.

Third, I hope, will be a slow return to work.  I see my family doctor on the 7th and she should have a better idea then when I can start back.  With it will hopefully come a referral to physio and/or a rehabilitative specialist.  Prior to getting sick I did regular weight and strengthening training to supplement dance and I am really eager to get back to it.  It’s especially important as I have an older permanent back injury that needs to supported through my core (hence another reason why dance is so important!).  I have missed work and look forward to getting back to it.

Finally, will be my return to dance.  I don’t know when it will be yet as it really depends on my healing.  I still have a gaping ‘hole’ that is about 1 1/2″ that is healthy, but doing very little healing.  Unfortunately, it is in a place that could easily be pulled and stretched doing dance, and until it is closed up, I don’t see me being allowed to go back to full dance.

The surgeon is the boss on when that will happen.  He has allowed me to do small stability exercises so far, and I am hopeful at my next appointment he will allow me to do more with my lower body and perhaps return to my latin ‘rocks’ as long as my upper body isn’t too involved.  We will see how it goes.

I have been giving a lot of thought to how I want to return to dance, taking into account how I am feeling.  I haven’t discussed it with Boss, but I think once I get a ‘go ahead’ in January I am going to take the time to sort and figure things out for myself first.  Then I will return to lessons with him in February.  I need to give myself time to figure out all the new sensations going on with my body right now, especially through my abdomen.  I also need to get more used to my lower centre of gravity (I feel about 6 inches shorter, even though I am not!), and see where my balance is at.  I think because my centre is lower I am actually a little more grounded–but we will see.

2 weeks to go before I see the surgeon again and it seems like forever.

In the meantime, I have put my fitbit on again, and now that my mom is gone stocked the fridge with my ‘singles’ food fare.  I am looking at this 2 weeks as a chance to get a ‘jump’ on my diet before I can go back to regular activity.  I am doing my ballet exercises daily and my arm endurance every other day (right now, 2 mins per hold is a challenge–and I used to do 3 mins each no problem!).

Let the rebuilding begin.

Fitbit fitness

I meant to post yesterday, but the day got a little away from me.  Probably I will post twice today.

It turns out, the radiation might not be causing all the nausea and fatigue after all.  It seems I have an infection so now I am on antibiotics, but I could be feeling a lot better by tomorrow.  I really hope it’s the infection causing the issues.  Fingers crossed.

I mentioned before that I have fitbit charge HR watch that I use to keep track of my daily calorie burns, sleep, weight and heart rate.  I have it set so that it ‘buzzes’ when I reach my goal calorie burn for the day.  It’s pretty interesting to see how much more calories I burn on dance days VS non dance days.

Up until the end of last week, I had been pretty consistent with my diet, practice and exercise and getting my fitbit ‘buzz’ almost every day.  As a result, my weight finally started to slowly go down at about 1/2-1.5 lbs/week.  It’s not much, but it is something.  Looking at that, it has helped me to figure out that I would like to be close to or below 200lbs again by my surgery.  That leaves me 12 weeks to get there, and if I can stay on track with my little buzzy friend, it should be quite doable.

The biggest hurdle will be the radiation fatigue, but so far so good, knock on wood.

I am still a little frustrated with the chemo weight gain, but that’s life and time to move on.  As I start to near the end of my journey I can look more and more to the future beyond it, and I really look forward to that.

In the meantime, I have good, strong and clear goals, a diet plan that works for me, a way to track my activity, solid exercises and a lot of motivation.

Getting back on my feet

Literally….in heels.

I finally made it through a Monday practice again–and I did it in full heels–2.5 inches for latin and 2.0 inches for standard.  Felt so great to make that accomplishment.  Only one small blister.

Of course by tomorrow I may be singing a different tune once my muscles catch up with the work they did today.  According to my ‘fitbit’, today’s practice burned 870 calories with an average heart rate of 128. I guess I was working hard!

Today I was able to feel a little bit like my old self–just forget about chemo and pretend I wasn’t dizzy and nauseous and just dance in my happy place.  It’s been a couple weeks since I have been able to get there.

Despite that, there were some frustrating moments.  My spins and spirals are definitely feeling the new heels and have back slid some.  That will require some hard work for sure.  My back lock steps in Cha Cha don’t really want to work, and samba is just plain weird.  Oddly, my standard exercises felt better in my standard shoes.  I think I like the extra stability they provide being less flexible than my practice shoes.

It’s a start though, one day down and as many to go as I want.

I got a call today that I see the radiation oncologist on Thursday and Friday is my radiation planning session which includes at CT Scan, measuring and tattooing.  I was told Radiation will start August 11th and will then last until September 18th.  28 different sessions, every weekday.  I hope it goes by fast.  Thursday I should have a better idea, I hope, of what to expect.

For right now, I am just trying to enjoy and make the most of the little break I have.

Tomorrow I have 4 lessons with a top-level Standard coach and I can’t wait!  I was told we will spend 2 on Foxtrot, 1 on Waltz and 1 on Tango.  We may or may not get to Quickstep.  That’s ok because most of the stuff from Waltz translates to QS pretty well.

I want to share this song that really kept me going when things seemed endless and never ending. It really is like the song of my life: Rachel Platten–Fight Song.

I feel a sense of peace today I haven’t felt in a while. Perhaps it is sinking in that Chemo is really over.

Thank goodness 🙂

‘Fitbit’tting it

I was sick again during practice today and had to stop 😦

but I don’t want to focus on that.

Today I want to talk a bit about my Fitbit.

As I mentioned, I had bought one to use just before I started chemo and have been pretty steady with it.

Unfortunately, when I had a bout of bad side effects 3-4 weeks ago I stopped using it so much and I realized last week it’s been a while since is ‘buzzed’ meaning I achieved my calorie burn goal for the day.  That speaks to how much less active I had been during those side effects.

But I am happy to report I am back on track and I have had the ‘buzz’ almost every day for a week.  Because I have been able to re-motivate myself things are looking good.  Also, being off the steroids I actually have a chance of starting to lose the ‘chemo weight’ and getting passed the plateau I was at before all this started.

The buzzing helps keep me motivated.

I didn’t wear my chemo cap today to practice.  I think over the weekend I decided not to wear them anymore.  Doing so seems to be giving in to the cancer and pretending I am not at the end of chemo.  I have hair now, I want to show it.

Tomorrow is my next lesson with boss.  We will see how that goes….

A word on weight

So had my treatment today, but it took longer than normal.  For some reason the pharmacy thought I wouldn’t be having a treatment so they didn’t prepare my drug (chemo drugs have short expiration date and are expensive and doses can change from one to the other, so the drugs aren’t prepared until it is sure you are going ahead and dose is confirmed).  I ended up waiting an extra hour for them to prepare my drug.

I have some (sort of) good news though!  I spoke with the nurse practitioner today about the issues I have been having with the nausea that has been increasing as the week progressed, instead of abating.  I was also having an issue where I was hungry to the point of being in pain almost 24-hours a day, despite eating.  Apparently, these are symptoms of an over-production of stomach acid, which could be caused by the steroids.  She prescribed an acid reducer and hopefully this will take care of the extra nausea and stomach pains–meaning it shouldn’t interfere with dance anymore! It is surprising sometimes what is considered ‘good’ news in my world these days 🙂

I am glad to hear the that unending hunger should go away too.  Even though I am doing treatments, I am still trying to follow a diet and keep my weight controlled.

Most people assume that when on chemotherapy people automatically lose weight.  For most people, and most chemo protocols, this is a MYTH.  In fact, the opposite is true–because chemotherapy for most people involves taking or being given large amounts of cortisol steroids, and activity becomes reduced, most people gain weight.  There are exceptions, but I am not one of them.

Before I was diagnosed, I had lost 75lbs and was 25lbs from my goal.  Since I was diagnosed, between my surgery and starting chemotherapy I gained back 15 lbs just from the reduction in activity from dancing 15-16 hours/week + 45 mins of weight training 3 times/week.  I have gained another 10 lbs during chemotherapy, again reduction in activity to just 3-4 hours of dance, no weight training and the large amount of steroids.  So, 25 lbs gained back, and I have no idea how easily it will come off when all this is finished.  I can’t even really keep an accurate track of my weight as the chemo drug I am on now causes a lot of ‘edema’, which is a fancy world for fluid retention and bloating. They did reduce my steroid dose 4 weeks ago and that had an effect of stopping the weight gain, and I had even lost weight at my last oncology appointment, but I expect I will be back up again at my next one next week.   This constant hunger pain has taken a big toll on my diet.

But, I hope, things are looking up and the pain will go away and I can go back to following my regular diet without feeling like I am starving.

Small product plug–when I found out that chemo was likely to make me gain weight, I wanted to try to find some way to keep control.  So I bought a ‘fitbit ChargeHR’, and I have to say I am really happy with it.  I can track what I am eating, but it also shows me how much I am burning too, so I can easily see if I am burning more than I am eating.  It also tracks my water intake which is essential during chemo.  While I have been gaining weight, I know it is mainly the steroids as I am very disciplined about entering all my calories–even the fast food I sometimes give in to eating–and I can see there is usually a deficit at the end of the week (not all week, but most!).  I am really really really looking forward to being able to use it properly in 4 weeks when I have the last of the steroids, the last of chemo treatments, and well, feel like a normal person again 🙂

Having to lose 50lbs again is disheartening.  It took a lot of time, effort, discipline and hard work to lose the first 75 lbs, so to gain 1/3 of that back hurts a little.  But I know that I will become more active again when my body is not being poisoned regularly, I am not tired all the time, and have energy to motivate myself beyond just getting out of bed, and that my usual self-discipline with my diet will also return.

I’ve got this. I just have to be patient a little while longer. 3 treatments left.


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How to Control Bad Breath in Pets: Tips & Tricks

How to Control Bad Breath in Pets
What’s the Best Way to Treat Bad Breath in Pets?

1. Brush your pet’s teeth daily. Brushing is the best way to keep your pet’s mouth free from bacterial buildup and help control bad breath.
2. Give your pet  safe chew toys to gnaw on. The natural process of chewing will help clean your dog’s teeth.
3. Make sure your pet is on a healthy diet. There is one diet, Hill's T/D, that is formulated to help reduce tartar.
4. Schedule regular dental cleanings with your veterinarian. Be sure your pet has his teeth cleaned at least once every year.  Anesthesia is required to do a good job of evaluating the entire tooth, and dental x-rays are needed to evaluate the tooth roots and surrounding bone.

There’s nothing fun about getting a slobbery wet kiss from a dog or a cat with bad breath! Bad breath, also known as halitosis, is generally caused by excessive build-up of odor -producing bacteria inside your pet’s mouth, lungs, or even gut. While most cases of bad breath can be traced back to poor oral hygiene, in some cases, bad breath could be symptomatic of a more serious health problem.

Treating bad breath starts by identifying the cause and taking steps to correct the underlying problem. Other than dental disease, causes of bad breath are oral tumors, tonsillitis, or foreign material in the mouth or voice box area.  Even systemic diseases like kidney disease and diabetes can cause a change in the odor of the breath.

However, bad breath in dogs and cats is most commonly linked to the build up of bacteria in the mouth due to poor oral hygiene. In fact, bad breath is the most common warning sign of  dental disease. Periodontal disease starts out as plaque. Plaque is a biofilm that contains bacteria which causes gingivitis. Over time, plaque hardens, forming a substance known as tartar. Plaque and tartar lead to swollen, inflamed gums, along with bad breath.

Abscessed teeth are also common in dogs. These can result from bad periodontal disease, or from a fractured or worn tooth that allows bacteria to move up the canal in the middle of the tooth to the tip where it causes an abscess to form. These abscesses can also cause bad breath.

The best cure for bad breath is to prevent it before it happens. In order to best keep your pet’s breath under control, schedule a yearly dental check-up with your pet’s veterinarian. Veterinary organizations recommend annual dental exams and cleanings for pets.

Additionally, veterinary dentists recommend that pet owners brush their pet’s teeth on a daily basis. Brushing teeth is the best way to cut back on tartar buildup and help control bad breath.

Finally, give your pets access to safe chew toys. Chew toys not only help reduce your pet’s stress level and eliminate boredom, but these toys can help to reduce tartar buildup. Be sure to use a chew toy approved by the Veterinary Oral Health Council (VOHC). Chew toys that are too soft are a danger because pieces may be swallowed causing an obstruction. Chew toys that are too hard, such as nylon, bones, and antlers break teeth. Rope toys can cause threads to get caught between the teeth.

American Animal Hospital Association, “AAHA Dental Care Guidelines for Dogs and Cats.” 2014.

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Top Halloween makeup ideas for 2016

If you’re planning to dress up as Harley Quinn, a Pokémon trainer, or your favourite Star Wars/Game of Thrones/Marvel character for this year’s Halloween party, the makeup you opt for is kinda obvious – something that fits the character.

However, if you’d like this year’s Halloween costume to be centred on your incredible makeup skills instead of a pop culture character, it might be a little trickier to find inspiration.

This year, the Direct Cosmetics team share their favourite show-stopping Halloween makeup ideas for 2016. Which is your favourite?

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How to wear pumpkin eyeshadow

fotolia_43544815_sEvery season, the eyes of the fashion world turn to the catwalks of Milan, Paris, London and New York and to the new collections of the world’s top designers in order to spy the trends set to take the industry by storm. Style-conscious women the world over, then, won’t have failed to spot the pumpkin/bronze eyeshadow trend that debuted on the Givenchy catwalk earlier in the year. This soft orange eyeshadow look is set to be a popular trend throughout this autumn and winter, but should you climb aboard the bandwagon, and if so, how can you perfect the look yourself? Take a look at our perfect pumpkin eyeshadow guide and pick up the best priced branded cosmetics from our online store to start experimenting… Continue reading

Ten autumnal makeup essentials for budget beauty buffs

Autumn makeupNow that the summer is coming to an end, beauty buffs like ourselves are beginning to stare wistfully into our cosmetics cabinets at home, longing to replace that light floral fragrance and that summery, shimmery body powder. How can we manage that transition from summer to autumn without breaking the bank? Fortunately, retailers such as Direct Cosmetics sell big brand name cosmetics at bargain prices. Here are ten autumnal makeup essentials for you budget beauty buffs out there.

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Monday, July 31, 2017

City of Gold by Carolyn Arnold (Matthew Connor Adventure Series Book 1) plus $15 Paypal Giveaway

Finding the Inca’s lost City of Gold would be the discovery of a lifetime. But failing could mean her death...

Archaeologist Matthew Connor and his friends Cal and Robyn are finally home after a dangerous retrieval expedition in India. While they succeeded in obtaining the priceless Pandu artifact they sought, it almost cost them their lives. Still, Matthew is ready for the next adventure. Yet when new intel surfaces indicating the possible location of the legendary City of Gold, Matthew is hesitant to embark on the quest.

Not only is the evidence questionable but it means looking for the lost city of Paititi far away from where other explorers have concentrated their efforts. As appealing as making the discovery would be, it’s just too risky. But when Cal’s girlfriend, Sophie, is abducted by Matthew’s old nemesis who is dead-set on acquiring the Pandu statue, Matthew may be forced into action. Saving Sophie’s life means either breaking into the Royal Ontario Museum to steal the relic or offering up something no one in his or her right mind can refuse--the City of Gold.

Now Matthew and his two closest friends have to find a city and a treasure that have been lost for centuries. And they only have seven days to do it. As they race against the clock, they quickly discover that the streets they seek aren’t actually paved with gold, but with blood.

Available to buy from the following sites...   Barnes & Noble   Apple iBooks   GPlay   Kobo

Action-adventure books for the mystery lover.
Does treasure hunting excite you?
What about the thought of traveling the globe and exploring remote regions to uncover legends that the world has all but forgotten?
If so, strap yourself in for an adventure with modern-day archaeologist Matthew Connor and his two closest friends. Indiana Jones meets the twenty-first century.

 This is the perfect book series for fans of Indiana JonesLara CroftNational Treasure, and The Relic Hunter.

Read an excerpt

About the author
CAROLYN ARNOLD is an international best-selling and award-winning author, as well as a speaker, teacher, and inspirational mentor. She has four continuing fiction series—Detective Madison Knight, Brandon Fisher FBI, McKinley Mysteries, and Matthew Connor Adventures—and has written nearly thirty books. Her genre diversity offers her readers everything from cozy to hard-boiled mysteries, and thrillers to action adventures.

Both her female detective and FBI profiler series have been praised by those in law enforcement as being accurate and entertaining, leading her to adopt the trademark: POLICE PROCEDURALS RESPECTED BY LAW ENFORCEMENT™.

Carolyn was born in a small town and enjoys spending time outdoors, but she also loves the lights of a big city. Grounded by her roots and lifted by her dreams, her overactive imagination insists that she tell her stories. Her intention is to touch the hearts of millions with her books, to entertain, inspire, and empower.

She currently lives just west of Toronto with her husband and beagle and is a member of Crime Writers of Canada.
Find the author on the following sites...
Newsletter   Website   Facebook   Twitter    Google+   Pinterest   Goodreads   Amazon Author Page

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  1. I'd be heading straight for Egypt. I have always had a great interest.

  2. I think Egypt would be fascinating, but I also think some place like greece would be too.

  3. I would love to explore the Cueva Victoria cave in Murcia Province, Spain. I would love a glimpse into European history.

  4. If I were an Archaeologist, I would love to explore Egypt and Morocco. So much history that simply isn't written in books that would awesome to find.

  5. I would like to explore the My Son (Mỹ Sơn) Sanctuary (Vietnam)

  6. If I were an archaeologist I would love to explore the divination shrines of Armenia because I've always been curious about divination!

  7. I'd like to head to Iraq or Syria and keep everyone's hands off my sites.

  8. I'd head to China, lots of history to discover

  9. I would love to explore Egypt because ever since I was a kid I was fascinated by Egypt.
    Marlene V

  10. I would love to go and uncover part of the old Roman road in Italy - so peaceful and amazing!

  11. I'd like to be an explore Africa particularly around Egypt Rosanne

  12. I'd really like to explore South America. Particularly Mayan Ruins.

  13. I would like to explore Egypt. I feel like there is a lot of history and lot to find there.

  14. If I was an Archaeologist I would like to explore deep into the Amazon to see if I can be the first to uncover an undiscovered civilization.

  15. I would head out to the American Southwest and Mexico as I feel there is much there yet to be discovered about America's past.

  16. i would love to go to Caral because it has 6 pyramids there and it would be very interesting

  17. I would love to explore in Australia if I were an archeologist.

Always lovely to hear your comments xx

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Benicio del Toro Source
The Feral Nature of Benicio del Toro and The Impossibility of Man

Source: Flaunt
Date: December 2012

A puerto rican man with a hangdog look rubs at his tired eyes. A blossom of hard silver—a lion’s head worn on his left ring finger—stares back out at the room, upside down. Rain whips at the windows, sounding like handfuls of small marbles thrown by hoodlums in search of a dumb fight. A patio table hops and upends, its umbrella snapped open by a gust, dragging the entire contraption out into the street. An old lady draped in clear plastic, a yellow cane hooked around her thin left wrist, peers into the storefront, agape. A quick glimpse of messy teeth disappears behind the cloud of her exhale. “She was looking at you!” exclaims the Puerto Rican man, startled, as the woman backs into the storm and continues along her path.

The city is not itself. Brentwood, the wealthy western enclave of Los Angeles, is a mess of flooded storm drains and deep puddles thrown into the air in foamy explosions by passing sedans. The agitated wetness everywhere sounds like tin foil being unspooled in giant sheets, the metallic rattle making everything and everyone nervous.

The Puerto Rican man holding court at a corner table inside this Spanish restaurant is Benicio Del Toro. The melancholic mumbler that made him well known in The Usual Suspects years ago is long gone. The eyes oft described as drooped, sad, slow, are in fact darting around the room now, settling on nothing, seeking out cues to propel his stories. The talk is quick and clear. And in harmony with the prevailing mood (right before that mad woman tapped at the glass with a dry dirty fingernail), Del Toro was describing lagoons and hunchbacks and the jittery light that flickered through his childhood home.

“The first movies I remember seeing as a kid actually weren’t the movies,” he says. “They were these super-8 movies. They would play for three minutes. They were edited from horror movies. Creature from the Black Lagoon. Dracula. Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Hunchback of Notre Dame—that’s the only home entertainment I can recall as a kid. We’d put all this monster stuff together and project it on the wall with an old projector.”

Del Toro’s childhood was brief. Uprooted from his birthplace in San Juan, Puerto Rico at age nine, after the death of his mother, Del Toro found himself in rural Pennsylvania, enrolled in boarding school, and enduring a brand of military-style parenting necessarily improvised by his father in the wake of fresh circumstance. In ushering along the recent remake of The Wolfman, Del Toro might just be aiming to recapture those moments in the dark, hidden from the demands of adulthood when his family was still intact, at home, where he belonged.

“What, now I’m talking to a psychiatrist?” laughs Del Toro, putting on a puffed-up tough-guy demeanor to mock any notion of a tormented childhood. “Fuck off! They told me to wear a suit and tie! Fuck all of you! They told me to wash my hands before dinner. Go fuck yourself! I’m different!’”

He admits that after the labor-intensive shoot for Steven Soderbergh’s Che, he was desperate to have fun again and The Wolfman afforded him the opportunity to channel some of the fantasies he’s carried with him ever since he glared at those rickety projections of monsters in his youth. The tepid response—both critically and commercially—to the four-hour plus biopic of Cuban (by way of Argentina) revolutionary Che Guevara was a disappointment. During press for the film, he was consistently put on the defensive by questions concerning Guevara’s legacy of violence. He famously walked out of one interview. The film flopped in the States.

“Movies come at you. They don’t care what you think,” he says, pondering the potential legacy of Che. “I think it takes time. Things can get better as time goes by. The same thing can happen with a book, a painting. And also, probably with nature. You might see a tree that you’ve been looking at all your life and then one day it just clicks and one day you go, ‘That’s a beautiful tree.’ Not everything is like that. Not everything you do can be like that. But hopefully Che has that. I hope so. That was the hardest movie ever.”

After a similar reaction to Terry Gilliam’s adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in 1998, it was reported that Del Toro was so disappointed by the film’s reception, he took time off until appearing in Guy Ritchie’s Snatch two years later. It was speculated that after his full investment in the character of Dr. Gonzo—the weight gain, the self-inflicted cigarette burns, the near perpetual dementia—his confidence was shaken, particularly after his performance was singled out for being unnecessarily over the top. Whether or not there’s any truth in these claims, the film has been redeemed by exactly the kind of slow boil he anticipates for Che. And over a decade after the fact, it’s clear that if he ever did give a shit, he doesn’t give a shit anymore.

“Hunter saw the movie and he liked it. He really liked it. I know I can speak for Johnny [Depp], too. That is the best compliment we got. And Fear and Loathing eventually found its own audience.”

A waiter scurries away to find more coffee. Someone is outside gathering the scattered umbrellas and plastic chairs strewn across the wet lawn. The notes of sirens off in the distance distort and bend on the wind. The whole day is gray except for a lone traffic light that seems superimposed on the sky, dangling from a wire above an intersection and bleeding bright colors onto the bleak scene like something artificially colorized and dropped into an old black and white movie. Del Toro fiddles with his lion ring. There’s a lull.
“Are you a Leo?”
“Any significance to that ring there?”
“No, not really.”

The town car Del Toro arrived in waits outside looking like a recently bathed black animal. The engine is on, exhaust billowing out in white tufts like it’s taking deep breaths after a sprint. The driver inside is keeping warm on what is considered a cold day for Southern California. Del Toro tosses an American Express gold card into a black plastic tray, but makes no gesture to get up. It is probably for this reason (and a thousand others) that he’s a good actor. The silence doesn’t make him the least bit uncomfortable. He’s too comfortable, actually. He’s said almost nothing about himself. He’s revealed little. The driver will have to wait.
“Do you have any idea what a man is supposed to be like?”

It’s a half-court Hail Mary heave; a Barbara Walters-styled bullshit question. But what the fuck. There’s more coffee. The weather is bad. That woman might still be out there with her goddamned cane and that look in her eyes. You’re sitting at a table with Benicio Del Toro. Why the fuck not ask him, “What is a man?” Is it really any better or worse than asking him how long it took every morning to make him look like a fucking werewolf? Thought so. Go make your own coffee. Come back. We’ll be right here.

“I’ll tell you one thing I don’t like. I don’t like it when people lie. I can understand if someone is on a mission. But when people flat out lie to your face, and you catch them in that lie, and then they lie again. That shit I don’t like. You know what I mean?”

This is Benicio Del Toro. This is coming from somewhere. Notions of manhood? Boredom? The rain?
“I lost my mom when I was very young,” he continues, pursuing the thought. “For a while it was just me and my brother and my dad. And my dad was ROTC. He was very strict. ‘Gotta get up! Gotta make the bed! Shine your shoes on Sunday!’ What makes a fucking man? I don’t know. What makes anyone? I don’t think a man has to be macho. I thought that when I was 16. Sometimes I still feel like I’m 12. But I realize I can’t jump as high. I can’t deal with a hangover as easy as I could back in the day. But that’s just life, man. You go through it. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna figure it out.

“Maybe the thing I like the most when I meet someone—man or a woman—is their ability to see that everyone is different. The ability to see that you can be smart in different ways. I hate when they try to pigeonhole everyone. Everything you do has to be this or that.”

Someone across the room gets up from his table and waves goodbye. Benicio smiles and waves back. A couple embraces, one holding the door open for the other. The place is almost empty. There’s an entire section with chairs up on tables. The rain has stopped. A waiter is erasing words from a chalkboard.
“Are you where you want to be at this point in your life?”

Now that’s just an outright fumble. But he graciously grabs at it, and if he doesn’t run with it, he gives it a noble jog. A good sport, Del Toro.

“After Traffic, I was flying first class. Before Traffic, I was flying coach. Between The Usual Suspects and Traffic, I was flying in the bulkhead. I’m in the cockpit now. I’ve earned it. No one gave it to me. I’ve earned it and I enjoy doing it. So far, I do. You know, I’ve been doing movies now for a long time. I like to pretend I’m still 21, but I’ve been doing movies for 22 years. That’s a long time. I started young. I didn’t finish college. I had no idea about movies. Nothing about movies. But I knew I had seen life. I knew I had a lot more life at that age because of my upbringing. Life happened. It came at me in some ways. I knew I had things I could draw from. I found myself experiencing something I didn’t know I was going to experience. I was 19. I was so young.”

He sighs and smiles, seeming to marvel at all that time. He stares down at the table.
“Are you going to have a midlife crisis? Right here, right now?”
“No. Fuck no! My crisis was six years ago. Damn it’s been a long road I’ve been walking through. The reality hits, ‘Oh, we’re all gonna die.’ There was a whole year where I was going, ‘Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.’ But then you’re like, ‘What can you do?’ Nothing. There’s things I enjoy now that I never enjoyed before.”

Let’s pretend here at precisely this moment that the sun breaks through the clouds after its daylong determination to shine. Illumination pours through the window of a Spanish restaurant to reveal two men seated with two coffees at a corner table. One man gets up, shakes hands with the other and politely departs. Once outside, the departing man bends slightly, grabs at his coat and enters into a waiting black town car. The car drives off.

The other man, still inside the restaurant, waits a moment, and reaches to turn off his tape recorder. He has an idea. He’s up from his chair now. He’s outside. He’s moving briskly down the damp sidewalk. And when he finds that old woman with the yellow cane and the mortal stare and the plastic coat, he’s going to ask her right there in the street, “Do you have any idea what a woman is supposed to be like?”

What else would you do on a rainy day in Brentwood after the actor Benicio Del Toro has told you over a cup of coffee that we’re all going to die?