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Night of the Baby

[whitespace] Beloved
Troubled Times: Kimberly Elise and Oprah Winfrey confront the spirits of the past in 'Beloved.'

Oprah Winfrey and Jonathan Demme's adaptation of Toni Morrison's 'Beloved' is faithful to a fault

By Richard von Busack

SETHE, HEROINE of Toni Morrison's 1987 celebrated ghost story, runs one of the most terrible obstacle courses a novelist ever built for a fictional character. She endures slavery, the lynching of her mother, the loss of her children, crypto-sexual humiliation, abandonment by her husband, flogging, childbirth in a leaky open boat--and a worse thing still.

This one worse thing is constructed as the ultimate surprise in Jonathan Demme's three-hour-long film adaptation of Beloved. Certainly all of Sethe's agonies are historical fact, but is it historical fact that they all could have happened to one woman? The answer may be that Morrison intended Beloved as a symbolic book, that Sethe's agonies represent the collective experience of the enslaved. (Morrison dedicated Beloved collectively to "Sixty million and more.")

Beloved is set in Ohio in the years right after the Civil War. Sethe has a house in the countryside, a long walk from Cincinnati, where she works as a cook. She and her introverted daughter, Denver (Kimberly Elise), live alone. Well, not quite alone. The plantation memories Sethe has tried to suppress are still with her in the form of a ghost that haunts her house, wrecking her possessions and poisoning her life--and nearly killing her, after nothing else could.

This Ghost of Slavery is the restless, raging spirit of Sethe's dead baby, "full of a baby's venom," as Morrison writes. One afternoon, Paul D (Danny Glover), an old friend from the plantation she escaped from, arrives and moves in. Sethe and Paul become lovers; this relationship brings her some solace, at the price of even more unwanted recollections of her past.

For a time, the house is peaceful. Then, perhaps because Denver wishes herself a sister, the ghost materializes in adult form, rising out of the river, crawling with lady beetles and circled by sulfur-colored butterflies. The ghost calls itself Beloved.

Like a baby, Beloved (Thandie Newton) is greedy for affection, for attention, for food. She throws violent tantrums when she can't have her way. She drives Paul D out, after first pouncing on him like a succubus; finally, she tries to satisfy her bottomless hunger by turning on Sethe.

TO TACKLE this symbolist tale, Demme (The Silence of the Lambs, Philadelphia) uses some of the vernacular of horror movies, including crawling bugs and disorienting camera angles. When Beloved first spells out her name, her words come out in an obscene rasp, heavy with electronically enhanced baritone like the voice of Mercedes McCambridge in The Exorcist. Supernatural magenta lights, like the floodlights in Mario Bava's horror films, illuminate the shed where Beloved's baby self died.

The shock flashbacks to scenes of torture and execution would be right at home in a Hammer film. Beloved is a demon, up to the usual demonic tricks. The first shot in the movie is of Sethe's dog, Here Boy, slammed against a wall by the poltergeist, knocked hard enough to avulse its eyeball.

Starting a movie with the mistreatment of a dog is a way of throwing down the gauntlet to viewers, asking them if they're as tough as Sethe is. (By the way, have you noticed that Mormon missionaries have a new line they use when they corner you: "Can I challenge you to read the Book of Mormon?" The hook in the Mormon pitch, as in Beloved, is that no one with grit can refuse a challenge.)

The opening is disturbing, but Here Boy's injuries are in the book, and there's an argument to be made that Morrison's novel should be filmed as straight-out horror. Demme, working from a script with three credited writers (Akosua Busia, Richard LaGravenese and Adam Brooks), only did the job halfway.

A model for a film of Beloved is Charles Laughton's The Night of the Hunter (1955), with its matter-of-fact understanding of supernatural evil and its stylized, artificial-looking countryside. Unfortunately, Demme's Beloved is more like the lyrical mid-'80s farm movies Witness and The River. The rural rhapsodies Morrison is heir to (just like any other child of the 1960s) chase away the mood of doom and oppression with harvest scenes and summer fun.

A straightforward horror film might answer the question "Why don't Sethe and Denver escape the hell house?" ("Why bother?" Morrison answers the question, in a passage from the novel that doesn't have an equivalent in the movie. "Not a house in the country ain't packed to the rafters with some negro's grief.")

If every black household were a haunted house--as might be the case in a horror movie, but isn't the case in Beloved--it might make sense that no one notices Sethe's troubles, that no one thinks to go fetch an exorcist, that no one tips her off on how to appease an angry ghost.

If Beloved had been a straight horror story, the questions of logic that the film raises might not be so obvious. It certainly wouldn't take the cavalry (actually a group of 30 Baptist church ladies) almost three hours to arrive.

OF THOSE THREE HOURS, Winfrey is on screen perhaps two. She co-produced Beloved, having bought the screen rights years ago. She was the main engine for having Beloved made, and she's a strong promoter--in her role as the nation's reigning book critic--of Morrison. But Winfrey has overdone it by casting herself in the lead role. Watching Oprah play Sethe in the film version of Beloved is like watching Larry King play Hamlet.

"Queenly and quiet" is the way Sethe is described by Denver in the novel, and a stiff queenly job of acting Winfrey's Sethe is. Every sentence is measured and every pose selected in advance, as she stands and delivers a line.

Winfrey's Sethe is a great lady actress condescending to knead dough and make biscuits for the camera. (It's an MGM performance in a horror movie.) Two different characters call Sethe an animal, but Winfrey never shows us Sethe's almost animal stubbornness. Or maybe she didn't register it, figuring that just like being too rich or too thin, a woman can never be too stubborn. Winfrey's love scenes with Glover--as the almost supernaturally nice Paul D--are startlingly remote, as if the two performers were on different sets and cut together by editing.

Still, Glover's courtliness is a pleasure to watch, especially in the scene in which Paul D tries to charm Denver by borrowing her glass of lemonade, taking a swig and then daintily rubbing away the place where his lips met the glass with his handkerchief. When Glover drops out of the film for the last hour, Beloved loses its one actor who shows amusement without smothered hysteria.

There's one other noteworthy, though wildly uneven, performance. In the title role, Thandie Newton is sometimes spine-chilling. She has a psycho's foxy, smooth face, and she plays Beloved as a conniving little girl. There's a British expression about a cool customer: "Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth." The frozen butter may still be in Newton's mouth.

When Beloved gets her normal voice back, she delivers her dialogue with that slippery, strangely euphonious whine and lisp some of the deaf have when they speak. But Newton doesn't move well; her jerky motions--a demon toddler's first steps--recall Bride of Frankenstein. If the film hadn't evicted laughter from the theater, you'd be tempted to laugh.

DEMME HAS deleted Morrison's direst passage: Sethe prostituting herself to buy a tombstone for her dead baby (even Dickens never went that far). The rest of the film, however, is faithful to the novel's incidents--at great length, too.

Sethe's energy and savings are sucked out slowly to feed Beloved, and this process induces the same tedium that a movie about drug addicts does. When will she hit bottom?

While we're waiting, Demme explores the subplots. A good 20 minutes are devoted to showing us how Denver improves her station in the world. There are also some long flashbacks to the camp meetings of Grandma Baby Suggs (Beah Richards). Grandma Baby's goodness recalls the more ambiguous righteousness of Lillian Gish's character in The Night of the Hunter: a county grannie fearless enough to hold off Robert Mitchum's Preacher with a shotgun (but who knows that devil well enough to harmonize with him when he sings "Bringing in the Sheaves").

You've heard of daily affirmations? Grandma Baby offers hourly ones about learning to love and learning to heal, and the last affirmation comes right at the end of the film, exactly when you're desperate for some fresh air.

This reverent adaptation is a plain disaster, overproduced and overacted, a coffee-table book with snapshots of atrocities pasted in between the pages. You may never see a better example of what happens when a film is overfaithful to its source.

Beloved (R; 171 min.), directed by Jonathan Demmie, written by Akosua Busia, Richard LaGravenese and Adam Brooks, based on the novel by Toni Morrison, photographed by Tak Fujimoto and starring Oprah Winfrey, Danny Glover and Thandie Newton.

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Cuisine  >  Recipes with ingredient “beans-and-legumes”
Showing 1—25 of 29 results

Mexican black bean soup with masa balls: Sopa de frijoles negros con bolitas de masa Karen Hursh Graber

Mexican black bean soup, with little dumplings called &lt;i&gt;bolitas de masa,&lt;/i&gt; or masa balls
© Karen Hursh Graber, 2014
Mexican black bean soup with masa balls is a regional recipe from Veracruz.

It could easily be a whole meal, accompanied by a salad. A nopales salad or a watercress and spinach salad would both be good choices. read more

Drunken Mexican beans: Frijoles borrachos Karen Hursh Graber

Drunken Mexican beans: Frijoles borrachos
In this frijoles borrachos recipe, it's the beer in this recipe that gets the beans drunk, and contributes good flavor to a dish that goes perfectly with Northern Mexican grilled beef. read more

Oaxaca white beans with dried shrimp: Frijoles blancos con camaron seco Karen Hursh Graber

This recipe for white beans with dried shrimp from the southern Pacific coast of Oaxaca is adapted from Susana Trilling's wonderful regional cookbook, Seasons of My Heart. Use other beans, such as fava... read more

Mexican black bean and quinoa salad: Ensalada de quinoa con frijoles negros Karen Hursh Graber

Quinoa, the subsistence grain of the ancient Incas, is a good source of dietary fiber and high quality protein. When combined with black beans, it is a nutritional powerhouse. This Mexican black bean a... read more

Mexican filled plantain croquettes: Croquetas de platano rellenos Karen Hursh Graber

Plantains, called plátano macho in Spanish, play an important role in the diet of southern Mexicans. They should not be used in cooking until ripe, at which point they will be nearly black all ov... read more

Mexican Oaxaca-style lentils: Lentejas oaxaqueñas Karen Hursh Graber

This spicy-sweet, meatless main dish is traditional Oaxacan Lenten fare. The combination of spices with fruit is characteristic of southern Mexican cooking. Lentils are one of the fastest-cooking legum... read more

Mexican Yucatan-style lentil stew: Potage de lentejas estilo yucateca Karen Hursh Graber

This hearty stew gets its flavor from pork and a medley of vegetables. The best choice for the pork stew meat is shoulder. In Mexico, ask the butcher for espaldilla. Substitute güero chile for the xca... read more

Mexican Queretaro-style lentil soup with nopales: Sopa de lentejas con nopales estilo Queretaro Karen Hursh Graber

This recipe, adapted from Diana Kennedy's The Essential Cuisines of Mexico, contains the characteristically Mexican ingredients nopales, fresh green chiles and cilantro. Ingredients ½ cup brow... read more

Mexican lentil salad: Ensalada de lentejas Karen Hursh Graber

When using lentils in a salad, it is important not to overcook them. The brown lentils typically available in Mexico retain their shape better than other varieties. Ingredients 1 cup lentils ... read more

Mexican lentil soup with chorizo: Sopa de lentejas con chorizo Karen Hursh Graber

This was the first lentil soup I tasted in Mexico many years ago, and it seems to be the most popular version in the central region, where chorizo is used in everything from eggs to tacos. The addition... read more

Frijoles de la olla: Mexican beans in broth Yvette Marquez-Sharpnack and Veronica Gonzalez-Smith

Mexican boiled beans — frijoles de la olla — are a delicious, nutricious and fat-free dish.
© Jeanine Thurston, 2011
A pot of freshly made frijoles de la olla is my absolute favorite way to eat beans. I love how pure and fresh they taste fresh from the olla, or pot. As soon as they were ready to eat I would fill a large bowl, add some fresh salsa and scoop them up with a homemade tortilla. read more

Garbanzo soup with saffron: Garbanzos en amarillo Karen Hursh Graber

Garbanzos en amarillo, with chickpeas, orange sweet potatoes and saffron, is evocative of the hearty peasant dishes of central Spain. It is a traditional food for the Día de La Santa Cruz, celebrated throughout Mexico, and with particular fervor in Queretaro, on May 3. read more

Black Bean Soup with Orange Zest: Sopa de Invierno Karen Hursh Graber

I call this "winter soup" because to the hearty, filling base of black beans is added the bright taste of the oranges that make cold winter weather more bearable. Here in the mountains of Central Mexic... read more

Hidalgo Style Fava Bean Soup: Caldo de Habas Estilo de Hidalgo Karen Hursh Graber

Although fresh fava beans appear only in springtime in the markets of Central Mexico, the dried versions are available throughout the year and cook much more quickly than other dried beans. I gave a re... read more

Yucatan Fish Panuchos: Panuchos de Pescado Karen Hursh Graber

Combining the classic Yucatecan ingredients of achiote seasoning, black beans and pickled red onions, true panuchos need to be made with fresh tortillas that will inflate when placed on the comal or gr... read more

Beans in their own broth: Frijoles de olla Karen Hursh Graber

This is the classic bean dish which is brought to the table in a large bowl after the main course has been eaten, for those who would like to help themselves to more food. It is the basis for innumerab... read more

Veracruz-style picaditas with black beans and salsa: Picaditas veracruzanas Karen Hursh Graber

Picaditas are fun to make as well as eat. As each one is baking on the comal, the sides are pinched up, creating perfect little containers to hold the toppings. Veracruz, being a port city, has ... read more

Beans Karen Hursh Graber

Ingredients: 1 kilo (2.2 lbs) black or pinto beans 1 large onion 1 head of garlic - whole, unpeeled 5 Tbsp. of salt or to taste How to Prepare: Place 2 qts. of water on to boi... read more

About Leftover Beans Karen Hursh Graber

Leftovers are a saving grace in my house. I don't usually have a lot of time during the week to cook so I take advantage of my weekends to prepare large amounts of certain thingslike beans, tortillas a... read more

Refried Beans Karen Hursh Graber

Ingredients: 1 kilo (2.2 lbs) black or pinto beans - cooked 10 Tbsp. oil Chiles Güeros or wax peppers How to Prepare: Start by toasting the peppers over a low flame or on a comal ... read more

Lamb's Quarters with Beans: Quelites con Frijoles Karen Hursh Graber

Just as the green known commonly as lamb's quarters goes by many different names north of the border -- among them, goosefoot, pigweed and mutton tops -- so does it have myriad names in Mexico, dependi... read more

Beans, a staple in the Mexican kitches: Frijoles Karen Hursh Graber

Since pre-Hispanic tmes, beans have been a staple in the Mexican kitchen. They appear in a world of traditional recipes, from frijoles refritos or refried beans to frijoles charros (cowbooy beans) and ... read more

Tortillas with Shredded Fish and Black Beans: Pan de Cazón Karen Hursh Graber

We first tried this dish at a restaurant near the seawall in Campeche. Perhaps because pan means bread, we were expecting something like a tuna or salmon loaf, but these stacks of tortillas spread... read more

Rice in Bean Broth: Arroz en Caldo de Frijol Karen Hursh Graber

The anise-scented leaf of the Mexican avocado is frequently used to flavor black bean dishes in the southern state of Oaxaca. In this recipe, black bean broth is used as part of the rice cooking liquid... read more

Refried beans: Frijoles refritos Karen Hursh Graber

Ingredients 1 kilo (2.2 lbs) black or pinto beans, cooked 10 Tbs. oil Chiles gueros or wax chiles Start by toasting the chiles over a low flame or on a comal (or griddle) until the skins beg... read more
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Democracy and the Common Wealth:
Breaking the Stranglehold of the Special Interests

“We have been shortchanged on the change we need.

Democracy and the Common Wealth exposes the dirty secrets about the American electoral system and the dysfunctional policies that have resulted from it. From how to rebuild an inner city slum to how to run a government, it traces the simple steps that can lead to representative governance and rational policies.

Follow the extraordinary, often humorous, story of a concerned citizen’s journey from outside politics into the dirty business of running for governor of Florida. As one of the one most corrupt states in a country that has been sold off to the special interests. Florida may prove to ground zero for a new Progressive Movement. America is about to wake up, and Michael E. Arth is sounding the alarm.

Louis Nizer once wrote, “A man who works with his hands is a laborer; a man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman; but a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist.” Also known as “The New Urban Cowboy” for his rebuilding of a slum and his work as an urban designer, and as “Biking Mike” for his plan to campaign the length of Florida on a bicycle, Michael E. Arth is all these things, and more. Arth shows clearly—in this engaging and challenging book—how electoral reform, combined with rational policies, could transform our town, our state, our country and our world.

Book Preview - Reviews - Ordering Info - Michael's Blog - Golden Apples Media - Democracy Book


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10 Tips To Flow With The Energy of Spring

The element of Spring in Chinese medicine is Wood and the organs associated are the liver and gallbladder. The liver and gallbladder have a large influence over our physical health as well as our mental health. When our liver and gallbladder are happy and receiving enough chi and blood, we generally feel calm yet enthusiastic with the way life is unfolding. In spring, there is plenty of energy and inspiration around us to keep us motivated, therefore it’s a great time to launch into new projects and set new goals for the year ahead. When our liver and gallbladder are not receiving enough chi and blood they become unhappy and this often leads to feelings of frustration, irritability and rage (road rage is a good example). Sometimes there is a feeling of being stagnant, of not enjoying the way life is unfolding or not feeling like your life is flowing the way you would like it. Also, there may be a tendency to be indecisive and uncertain as this is one of the main psychological qualities of the gallbladder. On the physical level, digestion may be sluggish and/or there will be constipation, which are all signs the liver energy is not flowing properly. To regain balance or to enhance the liver and gallbladder function, try out these 10 Tips:

1. Wake a little earlier then usual.

The sun is rising much earlier and the day is warming up quickly so get up with the sun and take some time to do some exercise or meditation.

2. Drink lemon water on waking.

This flushes the liver and kicks it into wake up ad detox mode ready for the day ahead.

3. Engage in more dynamic movement.

Try participating in exercises a little more dynamically or try a new type of movement class out. The liver loves to move energy around the body, so let it! If you keep it happy, it will let you be happy.

4. Eat more salads and lighter meals.

Our body is in more of a detox mode during spring so don’t overburden it with heavy, oily foods that will clog up the system. Support the detox process.

5. Launch into new projects – set new goals.

Set goals but be flexible and adaptable with the way they unfold. What would you do if you knew there was no such thing as failure?

6. Stretch your body more!

The liver and Gallbladder govern your ligaments and tendons so twisting poses and side bends are ideal! Also give yin yoga a try, its powerful stuff.

7. Get out in nature.

Enjoy the sun, go camping and surround yourself with green!

8. Inspire others!

Seek out inspiring books, films and amazing people and get inspired about life. When you inspire yourself you will naturally inspire others!

9. Remember to take time out to nurture yourself.

Nourish yourself with regular swims in the ocean. Take time out to be alone or try laying down, on the floor, bed or on your yoga mat, eyes closed for 10 minutes in the middle of the day – watch the sensations in your body… just let things settle..

10. Be open and flexible to new ideas, new opportunities and new people.

It’s a creative and inspiring time so be open to change.

Ok, that’s it! I’m sure they will help you in some way. Feel free to forward these tips onto a friend. If you have any questions please feel free to email me.

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Chemický průmysl, automatizace procesů

Požadavek ke stažení

Automatic height adjustment for material analysis

Laser-induced breakdown spectroscopy (LIBS) performs precise analysis of the atomic composition of different materials. The measurement objects involved are mostly mineral or metallic parts whose surfaces ...

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On-line inspection of sealing compound in covering lid

After injection of the sealing compound in the covering lid, curing takes place in the tunnel furnace. Here, fault points and faulty thicknesses of compound must be acquired and faulty lids must be sorted ...

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Extruder bore diameter

The idiamCONTROL system has been developed for checking the wear of extruder bores. The measuring cylinder is inserted in the case bore and pushed as far as the upper end. During retraction of the cylinder, ...

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Absolute and continuous filling-level measurement

Continuous acquisition of the level must be ensured for high precision monitoring of filling levels. These requirements can be obtained with a MICROEPSILON vipSENSOR element whereby the actual sensor is ...

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Control and monitoring of the production sequence in a refinery

In the refinery crude oil is cracked by distillation to give petroleum, kerosene and diesel oil. In the fractional distillation column the crude oil is heated with superheated steam. The vapors and liquids ...

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Layer thickness measurement (non contacting)

Layer thickness measurement belongs to the group of one-sided, non-contact thickness measurement. Basically, only the layer thickness of electrical insulators can be measured for opaque objects. An eddy ...

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Filling level

A filling level measurement situation can arise with a liquid substance as well as with dry, bulky goods. The precise measurement of liquid levels is difficult to achieve, nevertheless, the confocal measuring ...

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Active damping of liquid-cooled centrifuges

At certain configurations of speed, filling level and design parameters, liquid-filled industrial centrifuges tend to produce unstable running characteristics which can lead to failure of the centrifuge. ...

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Midwest Bus Corporation continually maintains a quality supply of high floor and low floor used Gillig, used New Flyer, used Orion, used MCI and other buses for sale or for lease. Most of our used buses come from climates that leave the buses in a condition which can be easily put back into revenue service. Our supply of used city transit buses changes constantly, if you do not see what you are looking for, chances are we can get it fast.

We offer a wide variety of leasing options from long term to short term on our city transit buses. Let us put that bus lease package together for you.

Look over our online selection of used city transit buses and give us a call today at (800) 627-6627 or e-mail us from our
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Operation Barbarossa: Day 4

A very, very brief situation report on this day in history: June 25, 1941, four days into the German offensive against the Soviet Union. [NB: the confusion of verb tense is intentional]  If you are interested in examining what  the U.S. Army was reading about the war at this time, consult the Military Review (such as the April, 1942 vol. 22, no. 84 issue, which discusses the Battle of Rossieny, mentioned below), published by the Command and General Staff College. War-time issues contain accounts from German and Russian commanders about specific tactical and operational experiences from Operation Barbarossa, and make fascinating reading.

There is also, at armchairgeneral, a great listing of “Soviet Wartime Compositions.”  And for the be-all-end-all map of dispositions on June 22, 1941, see this Russian map, which may take a while to load.

Anyway, an extremely brief and episodic summary:

Panzergruppe 3 captured Vilnius, capital of Lithuania, yesterday.  Rear-area arrangements are already being set up. Among other troops deployed was the 403rd Security Division, which was awaiting the arrival of the SD Sonderkommando assigned to their district.

Guderian and Hoth’s armored units are approaching Minsk; meanwhile, the siege of Brest-Litovsk continues, despite frequent German broadcasts that the fortress has fallen (The 45th Infantry Division was responsible for many of these, perhaps in an effort to undermine Soviet resistance). The original time table had called for the city to be reduced in eight hours. The pocket around the Polish city of Białystok will be reduced in the next couple of days, with immediate horrific consequences for the Jewish community there.

Soviet mechanized formations–such as the III (at Vilnius), XII (Siauliai), IX (Kiev district), and XIX Mechanized Corps (Zhitomir, Kiev District), had long and often confusing marches to attempt, and their counter-attacks were generally uncoordinated and piecemeal. For a complete listing of Soviet Mechanized formations as of June 22, see Orbat.com, and for a quite decent summary of material from Glantz, Zaloga, and House, see the War and Tactics forum.

The largest armored engagement, starting June 24, continuing today and ending tomorrow on the 26th, was in the north, the battle of Rossieny. The Soviet 2nd Tank Division, equal in strength to the XXXXI Panzer Corps, missed the LVI Panzer Corps, but hit the XXXXI with around 300 tanks. Hoepner, commander of Panzergruppe 4, decided to let the XXXXI handle the situation on its own, and not divert the LVI to assist. The battle is currently ongoing.

German tank crews have already met Russian KV and T-34 tanks, and it is interesting to read the range of reactions they had afterward–from dismissal and coolly downplaying the effect of these tanks, to what Kershaw terms “more honest” appraisals, which describe the “crisis” and panic sparked by the sudden realization that the Soviets had superior equipment.  Soviet veterans recall the confidence inspired in their own ranks by the T-34, but at the same time they were getting exhausted four days of non-stop moving and fighting. As Stephan Matysh, artillery commander in the 32nd Tank Division near Lvov, put it, “We desperately needed a rest.”

In the Third Reich, on June 25 there is as yet no public announcement on the course of the war. In the Soviet Union, there is still no sign of Stalin…

[Select sources: Robert Kershaw’s War Without Garlands, Hannes Heer’s article “Killing Fields: The Wehrmacht and the Holocaust in Belorussia, 1941-42”, Fritz’s Ostkrieg, and the web sources linked.]


text:
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  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:23 PM

    A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

    They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it?s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

    She turns to him?they kiss?then they rip each other?s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ?Well, how?d I do??

    The woman says,
    ?You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:21 PM

    Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

    Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

    Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

    That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

    The next morning he reported to his father.

    Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

    Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

    Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $h*t."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:16 PM

    The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

    He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

    The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:15 PM

    This one is courtesy of BRUCE BRUCE on BET Comicview

    A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop askes for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

    The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

    When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.

    The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order.

    Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

    At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him. The guy says

    "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:10 PM

    At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

    These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

    The professor thought it over and then she agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

    They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

    On the second page was written:
    (For 95 points): Which tire?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:07 PM

    A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

    The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

    The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

    Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

    The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

    The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

    The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

    Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

    The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

    The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

    "Where did you learn that?"

    The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:05 PM

    A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

    After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

    "Where the heck have you been?!"

    "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

    "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

    She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You Filthy Liar!! You went bowling again!!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:03 PM

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back,

    "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:01 PM

    Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
    just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother,

    I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

    Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

    "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:47 PM

    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

    ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

    ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

    ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

    ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

    ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:41 PM

    Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer

    company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to

    determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to

    take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the

    test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The

    manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your

    interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

    "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions

    correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision

    not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said

    the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect

    answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

    ''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put

    down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:39 PM

    A family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:35 PM

    A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

    When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

    When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

    He replied, "The first born was a girl."

    "Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

    "Denise," answered her brother.

    The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

    "Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

    "Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

    Replied the brother,

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 10:08 AM

    A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,

    "Mother, if this could give milk,
    we could get rid of the cow."

    His hand then travels down to
    her crotch, and he says,

    "Mother, if this could give eggs,
    we could get rid of the chickens."

    His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis.

    "Father, if this could stay hard,
    we could get rid of your brother.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 10:03 AM

    A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

    One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

    The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

    The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

    A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

    The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 10:03 AM

    How everyone has sex from A-Z

    ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

    ACTORS do it on cue.

    ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

    AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

    ANSI does it in the standard way

    ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

    ARCHITECTS have great plans.

    ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

    ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

    ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

    ATTORNEYS make better motions.

    AUDITORS like to examine figures.

    BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

    BAILIFFS always come to order.

    BAKERS knead it daily.

    BAND MEMBERS play all night.

    BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

    BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

    BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

    BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

    BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

    BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

    BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

    BEER DRINKERS get more head.

    BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

    BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

    BOSSES delegate the task to others.

    BOWLERS have bigger balls.

    BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

    BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

    BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

    BUTCHERS have better meat.

    C'Bers do it on the air.

    CAMPERS do it in a tent.

    CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

    CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

    CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

    CHEMISTS like to experiment.

    CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

    CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

    CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

    CLOWNS do it for laughs.

    COACHES whistle while they work.

    COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

    COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

    COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

    COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

    CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

    CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

    COPS have bigger guns.

    COWBOYS handle anything horny.

    COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

    CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

    CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

    DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

    DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

    DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

    DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

    DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

    DETECTIVES do it under cover.

    DIETICIANS eat better.

    DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

    DIVERS do it deeper.

    DOCTORS do it with patience.

    DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

    DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

    DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

    ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

    ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

    EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

    FARMERS spread it around.

    FIREMEN are always in heat.

    FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

    FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

    FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

    FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

    GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

    GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

    GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

    GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

    GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

    GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

    HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

    HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

    HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

    HANDYMEN like good screws.

    HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

    HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

    HUNTERS do it with a bang.

    INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

    INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

    INVENTORS find a way.

    JANITORS clean up afterwards.

    JEWELERS mount real gems.

    JOGGERS do it on the run.

    LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

    LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

    LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

    LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

    LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

    MACHINISTS make the best screws.

    MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

    MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

    MANAGERS supervise others.

    MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

    MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

    MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

    MINERS sink deeper shafts.

    MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

    MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

    MODELS do it in any position.

    MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

    MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

    MOVIE STARS do it on film.

    MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

    NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

    NURSES call the shots.

    OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

    OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

    OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

    PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

    PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

    PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

    PILOTS keep it up longer.

    PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

    POLICEMEN like big busts.

    POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

    POSTMEN come slower.

    PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

    PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

    PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

    PROFESSORS do it by the book.

    RACERS like to come in first.

    RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

    RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

    REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

    RECYCLERS use it again.

    REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

    REPORTERS do it daily.

    RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

    RETAILERS move their merchandise.

    ROOFERS do it on top.

    RUNNERS get into more pants.

    SAILORS like to be blown.

    SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

    SCIENTISTS discovered it.

    SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

    SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

    SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

    SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

    SPELUNKERS do it underground.

    SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

    STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

    STUDENTS use their heads.

    SURGEONS are smooth operators.

    TAILORS make it fit.

    TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

    TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

    TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

    TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

    TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

    TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

    TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

    TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

    VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

    VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

    WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

    WATER SKIERS come down harder.

    WELDERS have hotter rods.

    WRESTLERS know the best holds.

    WRITERS have novel ways.

    ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 09:51 AM

    The Internet is like a penis...

    * It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it ...hard to get any real work done.

    * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit ...information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some ...people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but ...most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

    * It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it ...will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

    * It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people ...take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. ...Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing ...with until it's too late.

    * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

    * It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it ...too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think ...coherently.

    * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual ...size and influence warrant.

    * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big ...trouble.

    * It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your ...intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask ...yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

    * Some folks have it, some don't.

    * Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. ...They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. ...They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

    * Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. ...Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

    * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some ...people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 09:48 AM

    One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

    On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

    Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

    "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

    "Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

    She slides her hands further down and gasps.
    "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

    "Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

    Finally, the couple begin to make love.
    After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

    Her husband, panting a little, asks,
    "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

    "No", the bride replies.
    "Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 09:46 AM

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

    Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 03:20 PM

    He didn't like the casserole
    And He didn't like my cake.
    Her biscuits were too hard...
    not like his mother used to make.

    She didn't perk the coffee right
    He didn't like the stew,
    She didn't mend his socks
    The way his mother used to do.

    She pondered for an answer
    She was looking for a clue.
    Then she turned around and smacked him...

    Like his Mother used to do!
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It is not widely known that the sugar cube was invented in the 1840s in the Czech Republic by Jakub Kryštof Rad, who developed the process for cutting sugar blocks into cubes. However, that could explain, to some extent, the special fondness Czech consumers have for sweet products, leading to rising obesity levels in the country. Encouraging Czechs to review and improve their eating habits, with a special focus on avoiding sugary foods, is an increasingly important factor for brands to consider.

Formulating with less sugar could boost yogurt’s health credentials

The backlash against processed food and sugar creates opportunities for brands to innovate around simplicity and naturalness as well as low-in-sugar formulations. For example, in the yogurt space (spoonable and drinking), low/no/reduced sugar claims were featured by 5% of new product launches introduced globally between September 2012 and August 2013 whilst three years later the proportion increased to 9%.

4209817-0_dcddb75469bMeanwhile, in the Czech yogurt market, the use of low/no/reduced sugar claims is not as evident. In the last year, between September 2015 and August 2016, only 4% of launches were formulated with less/no sugar. One of the recent examples was the introduction of the Zott Jogobella 0% range by Zott which is both low in fat (0.1% fat) and free from added sugar. However, the products are sweetened with a combination of artificial non-nutritive sweeteners such as aspartame and acesulfame K, both of which are now losing ground globally as consumers are shifting towards more natural food and drink products.

Further development opportunities exist for Czech brands to experiment around less sweet options given that the average sugar content of yogurts launched in the last two years (September 2014 – August 2016) was as high as 12.61g, ranking the Czech Republic as the number one country in Europe for sweet yogurts.

Experimenting with natural sweeteners such as honey

The obvious way to make yogurts healthier is to cut the added sugar content, but this may take time as consumer palates will need to adjust or else they will reject lower sugar varieties on the grounds of not liking the taste. In a bid to provide health-minded consumers with a perceived better-for-you alternative, Czech brands could look to more extensively explore non-artificial alternatives to white sugar, including honey, agave syrup, coconut sugar and stevia.

Honey in particular has a positive health reputation as reflected in Mintel’s consumer research. A substantial majority of consumers across selected European countries – seven in 10 in Germany, nine in 10 in Poland as well as eight in 10 in France, Italy and Spain – declare that honey is good for their health. As a result, an increase in new yogurt launches featuring honey as an ingredient has been noted, not only in Europe but also across the global market.

A number of Czech brands have also recognised a window of opportunity to incorporate honey into yogurt, not only for its sweetness but also healthfulness and flavour. For example, Molkerei Alois Müller has launched Müller Greek Style Mix Honey & Apricot Mousse; Lidl has followed suit with Eridanous Greek Style Yogurt Drink with Walnuts and Honey; Polabské Mlekárny launched Milko Apricot & Honey Flavoured Greek Yogurt; and Zott introduced Zott Natura Yogurt with Honey.

3336287-0_dcddb75469b 3953769-2_dcddb75469b 3612137-0_dcddb75469b 4209819-0_dcddb75469b

Forward-thinking brands in the Czech Republic could look beyond natural sugar substitutes and consider formulating with no added sweeteners, for example by experimenting with fruit purées or fruit juices as seen in the example of the Arla Luonto+ range in Finland. Moreover, there exists an interesting possibility to reduce added sugars with lactase enzymes, however it’s still a relatively niche approach.

Honorata is a Food and Drink Analyst at Mintel. Her focus area is food categories in Poland, with a particular interest in health and wellness trends, as well as product innovations. With almost a decade of previous experience in market research, Honorata has analysed various sectors in Poland, including packaged food, retailing, beauty and personal care, and consumer health.

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Nam sodales mi vitae dolor ullamcorper et vulputate enim accumsan. Morbi orci magna, tincidunt vitae molestie nec, molestie at mi. Nulla nulla lorem, suscipit in posuere in, interdum non magna.

Today is a pretty cool day. Auburn Won 45-7 against Vandy. Finally… we won a game. Finally we scored a touchdown. Well, anyway… today we also had a small party for Hsiu Hsiu… her birthday is on the 16th and since I am not here then, we had a party tonight. It was pretty good. She is very very excited and happy… I am glad to see her happy and I love to see that beautiful smile. I will post some more pictures later… but I am just too tired right now. Good night!!

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Report on the Fourth Mitsui Chemicals International Symposium on Catalysis Science (MICS2011)

  • Top
  • Message
  • Lectures
  • Catalysis Science Award
  • Topics
  • Japanese

Special Lecture

Emeritus Prof. Akira Suzuki (Hokkaido University, Japan)

Cross-coupling Reactions of Organoboron Compounds : Carbon-Carbon Bonding Made Easy
Emeritus Prof. Akira Suzuki

Devote and exert yourself

Emeritus Prof. Suzuki is a leading authority on organo-boron chemistry and is an authority on synthetic organic chemistry. The Suzuki coupling, which uses stable, easily usable, and non-toxic organo-boron reagents is widely used in industrial manufacturing, in pharmaceuticals, agrochemicals, liquid crystals and organic EL materials. He was awarded the 2010 Nobel Prize jointly with Prof. Negishi and Emeritus Prof. Heck.

In the lecture, an overview of the Suzuki coupling reaction and examples of the industrial applications were given.

© Mitsui Chemicals, Inc. All Rights Reserved.


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Sewing it up Sunday

5:15 PM

I have mentioned on here before that I have some fabric that I happily took...  but I didn't say it was four different times from four different people. Well, they found out that I am a quilter and some of them thought that I could put it to good use and really to just get rid of it. I kept it all for a long time and only using small bits. It was stored in the basement and I didn't really see it, the basement sewing room wasn't the best. Out of sight, Out of mind. Well, when I moved my sewing room upstairs and all that fabric came with it and now I see it all the time mixed in with my fabric I have purchased over time and current projects.  I made my mind up that I was going to use it up because there is no use in keeping it for nothing. So here comes the hard part. It isn't things that I would buy, because usually I buy fabric with a project in mind or a print that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Long story short I have over three yards of some flannel in both yellow and blue. What do you do with this you might ask??

Make a Chenille Blanket!  (so I know that there are tons of these out there but this is the first time that I have sewn one and this is how I did it.  I did it a little bit different so feel free to follow along :)

Chenille Blanket Tutorial

(I bought a very cute print to stand out and compliment my flannel layers.  I have one layer of quilter's cotton and then four layers of flannel, they are all one yard.  Sandwich them all with the quilter's cotton face up and pin layers together)

(I wanted to do my lines diagonal so I marked a diagonal line from one corner to it's opposite corner.  It is super hard to see but maybe if you click on the picture to zoom in you will see a blue line.)

(I sewed on that marked line and then I sewed additional lines approximately 1/2" apart.)

(Okay now.  That took a little bit of time, lol.  But seriously it looks so cute I almost didn't want to cut the layers.  Then I found a little tiny wrinkle in the back and I didn't feel bad anymore :)

(I rounded the corners.  I thought it would give the blanket a soft touch.  There is nothing like soft corners when it comes to baby blankets.)

(Then slip those scissors in.  This is where my blankets varies.  I only cut through Three layers instead of four.  I like how the back has a soft flannel covering the wrong side of the quilter's cotton.  Feel free to cut through all layers but the top layer if you like.)

(Well, that took some time too.  It is fun to get to the end though and count that you only have three more lines, two more lines, wholly hannah one, done.)

(Now you need to add the binding.  I cut my binding in 2 1/4" x WOF - width of fabric strips.  Then you place the strips right sides together making a uppercase L.  Then sew the corner off.  Then trim the excess fabric off.  Yep it's that easy.  Then, press the strips in half.  Place on the chenille side of blanket  leaving a tail and some room from a corner and sew a 1/4" seam through all layers.  Stop about 7" before you reach where you started.)

(Joining the binding - This is where it is a little bit tricky, this is how I learned and I really like this technique, Take the width of you binding and divide by 2.  Mine is 1 1/8".   Fold back your binding strip and cut 1 1/8".  Then leave a 1/4" gap and do the same to the other side.  Make the L and sew the corner off.  Open and Press to make sure you have enough and that you didn't get a twist in.  Trim off excess fabric and sew the remaining binding on.)

(Fold the binding over to the front and sew a 1/8" seam along the binding around complete edge.)

(Binding finished!  Put this baby in the washer and dryer.  )

(Beautiful!!  This is my first one and I am in LOVE!)

(It isn't helping me reduce my hand-me-down-fabric-stash, if I can't part with anything that I make with it...Well I guess it does but it just grows my sewn items stash.  People don't talk too much about those kind of stashes do they?)

So I did make some more doll diaper bags and a cute little chenille doll blanket to sell.  At least I won't hoard these little babies.  I am going to update them in my etsy (click on the etsy tab if you want some bags).  Well I seriously had a blast making these chenille blankets.  I actually have three yards of blue flannel to make another one but after the first one I opted to make the doll version instead and save the boy blanket for another day.  That is a lot of monotonous sewing and cutting.  It is better to break it up.

So, the Sew it up Sunday was a success and I am going to attempt to keep this tradition going until I have all that donated fabric used up.

You Might Also Like

  1. I'm impressed with all your pictures and detailed instructions. And the blanket is so so cute!

  2. Thanks for the tutorial on making chenille. It opens up a whole new world. Now I can have any color chenille I want.


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Mobile Casinos games

Best Mobile Casinos

There are hundreds of sites promoting mobile games, but how do you determine the crème de la crème?

1. Finger on the Pulse

This industry is moving at a fast pace. Blink and you miss something. Keeping your eye on the market can reap rewards, signposting you to the best products and biggest deals.

The best online casino and gaming sites are those with their ears close to the ground that can showcase:

- the very latest mobile casinos and games

- handsets that are most compatible with gaming software and have features that are popular with gamers

- recommended accessories and resources

- review and/or rate products – both games and phones

Having this information all in one place and being able to access expert opinions that you value will keep you on track with this ever changing market.

Look for sites that have plenty of choice in the category of game you are looking for; board games, action games, film/TV games, sports themed games or casino games. Some casinos have a tendency to focus on specific gaming areas.

When you’ve found a game you want to download, the next step is to find a version that works on your mobile handset. Some sites have a handy ‘matchmaker’ feature where you type in your phone model and they provide a list of compatible games for your specific phone, saving you the time and effort of trawling through unsuitable products.

3. Free Stuff

Make sure you trawl the casinos to find out about welcome packages, bonus payments, prizes on offer and free or low deposit mobile casino games. Choose mobile online casinos that give you plenty of loyalty incentives and take positive action to keep your custom.

4. Usability

Many online casinos contain a multitude of downloads and links. The best are those that are well organized, enabling you to find the information you need for the minimum number of clicks.

You also want to use mobile platforms with quick page download times. The biggest turn off for viewers is a slow loading page – most will simply lose patience and try another site.

5. Customer Service

All sorts of problems might crop up; issues around downloading, problems with the software, compatibility issues between your phone and software. Choose a site with 24/7 customer service that gives you real time access to a helpdesk operator.

Finding a site that suits your needs will mean that you can go back to it again and again. The best mobile casinos are compiled by people who are fired up on mobile gaming and keep the site updated and relevant.

On many the enthusiasm and commitment of reviewers and writers floats off the page. They present new products and market developments with the same excitement that you feel. These are truly the best mobile gambling sites – they look at everything with from a customer’s perspective and get your pulse racing for the latest game or gadget.

Luckily there are loads of great mobile casinos out there, showcasing all the hottest products and spreading the word about the latest ‘must haves’.

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With such a lot of competition out there, online casinos have mastered the art...


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Saturday Faves: The Perfect Spring Dress

If you're a college student like me, you know how amazing you feel when you slip on a dress in the morning. It's comfortable and you instantly look cute while wearing one article of clothing. What more could you want for a sunny, busy day?

My favorite spring dress is one that incorporates color - because spring is about being colorful - and fits perfectly because if it doesn't fit well, you don't feel good in it.

So my favorite dress of the moment is this cutout dress from Urban Outfitters.

The cutouts aren't drastic enough so that you can wear this dress to class or on a night out. The blue and red colors are also perfect for brightening anyone's day.

Pair the dress with a cardigan, like this one from H&M, for those mornings when it's a little chilly out. Slip on your favorite pair of flats, wedges, or sandals, and you're good to go for the rest of the day.

What would you pair with this dress?

xoxo, Leila

Speak Your Mind


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Sunday, February 13, 2011

We found a "regliner"!

We snuck away to Portland for the weekend as an early celebration of Q's birthday. Priceline was kind enough to find us The Nines, which is way posher than anything we usually do but it was really fun. The Urban Farmer restaurant that it houses is very yummy. We also went to OMSI's Lost Egypt members' night and went shopping at all those big Portland stores. I felt like such a country rube visiting the big city. :)

We got the Manstad couch from Ikea that Q's been wanting for the new media room arrangement. It not only pulls out into a bed but the chaise has tons of storage inside. Pictures forthcoming when the room gets put together. I also got the lambskin I've been wanting as a baby purchase. It's so snuggly that I think I'd be unwilling to share with anyone except my own dear baby.

On a whim we also went to Babies 'R Us to seek a glider. We have been looking everywhere for one and the only ones we've found were ugly or cheap feeling or uncomfortable. The one exception was the local Amish furniture store but that one was so spendy we kept holding back. Say what you will about chains but Babies 'R Us was a glider mecca. We found the ultimate, dream-fulfilling glider. It's tall enough to support Q's head, it's padded enough (including the armrests) that I don't feel totally lost in it and, best of all, wait for reclines and still glides simultaneously. It is seriously the most comfortable experience ever and every other chair we found that reclines no longer rocks or glides when it's in that position. We custom ordered our color/wood combo so it would be here until late April but I'm so excited. Hopefully, it is now clear why it has earned the unique, coveted title, "the regliner". Seriously, seek out a store that carries these, sit in one, and experience the most comfortable experience ever. Mmmmm.....

1 comment:

Edwards/Jackson said...

Glad you found something that works for you- they really are the best! We found ours (by chance and great luck) on Craigs List- gently used, works like a charm!

Also, I don't know if you have heard of this space, but everytime I go there I think 'Liz would probably love an online gardening community!'.

Plus, I think the name is empowering!

Can't wait to hear more about the baby, gardens and spring in Oregon!


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Amy Clark

Amy’s Notebook 09.27.17

Slow Cooker Chicken Cacciatore source

This Slow Cooker Chicken Cacciatore looks like a weeknight winner!

Speaking of slow cooker dishes, my family would flip for this one.

10 hard things to start doing for yourself. Such a good list!

This was your top purchase this month- I couldn’t approve of it more!

Hmmmm….I’m not sure how I feel about this.

Madly in love with this Halloween costume idea!

The importance of being alone.

31 days of horror films for October that you can stream through Netflix. Yes!

School Paperwork Organization source

Are the papers from school bogging you down? Check out these helpful suggestions!

Here are a few easy fall DIY projects to add to your to-do list- bahaha!

I couldn’t stop watching these amazing and easy ways to decorate your pie crust.

Did you see my new capsule wardrobe? I always feel accomplished once I have my closet organized!

I love a beautiful napkin fold. This would be a fun one to get the kids to try for a fancy dinner!

5 things the “new you doesn’t need- really practical and smart advice.

A new way to celebrate a Treat Yourself Day.

What if we all spoke more honestly like this?

Chocolate Pumpkin Bread source

This chocolate pumpkin bread looks heavenly!

What a cute Halloween treat!

I can’t rave enough about this book- read it STAT.

This is the first week in YEARS that I haven’t used a hair straightener. Madly in love with my new gadget!

Can’t keep real plants alive? I feel you! Check out this awesome guide to purchasing great fake plants for your home.

“Confidence is QUIET. Insecurity is LOUD.” Let’s all work on choosing the quiet!

Five bright ideas to try- I am totally going to do #3 this week!

I hope you enjoyed our notebook, a collection of gathered links to DIY crafts, food projects, thrifty ways to spruce up your home, and thoughtful reads. Nothing brings me more joy than to highlight other fabulous bloggers. Follow me on Pinterest for daily inspiration! Please note, there are affiliate links that do help support our site- thank you! xoxo

Published September 27, 2017 by:

Amy Clark

Amy Allen Clark is the founder of You can read all about her here.

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Momento Dezigns

Manuka – Canberra's Fashion Precinct

Daily Archives:

November 30, 1984

Manuka – Canberra’s Fashion Precinct

Momento Dezigns Stylists

Momento Dezigns is the preferred fashion destination for all savvy fashionistas from the ACT & Beyond. With a clientele spanning 20 years Momento offers a unique edit of leading Australian and International labels from Italy, France, USA, New [...]

Dress to Impress

Momento Dezigns Stylists

Look stunning for your special event. The perfect garment that will keep all the eyes on you is here!

Casual & Stylish

Momento Dezigns Stylists

If Fashion is your last name you are in the perfect place! We love being casual without losing style


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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Mamatography 2013 - Week 10

Day 62 - March 3

I scarfed down leftover cupcakes the day after my party!
I learned this particular method from Cake Boss.

Day 63 - March 4

The morning of my party - my garbage disposal quit on me.
It took these 2 guys 1½ hours to fix it on Monday.

Day 64 - March 5

Sleepy Spencer snuggling with Tyler...
who's hair apparently matches his shirt!

Day 65 - March 6

Sasha & her "Lilypad"
on our obnoxious-but-free couch

Day 66 - March 7

This day / NG Tube procedure (and holding him down for 45 minutes) sucked so bad!

Day 67 - March 8

This scan was bizarre.
(Thyroid Uptake & Scan is a 2 day process.)

Day 68 - March 9

My Hemp Protein Powder finally arrived! I tried it in my darkest green "Monster Smoothie" (adding blueberries made it extra dark). I don't know why I didn't think about it being green... that surprised me. It tasted... a little powdery. It was more a texture thing than a taste. I think a yogurt smoothie might support it better... we'll see.

mtbadge2This post is part of the Mamatography 2013 Project with Diary of a First Child and Momma Jorje.

We are taking (at least) a photo a day to keep a record of our year. Join us at any point during the year and start sharing your own daily photos!

Without further ado, here are the Mama/Papatography 2013 participants!

  1. That hemp powder looks pretty potent! I've tried a bunch of green juices over the years, and I think my favorite add-in has to be dark cherries--they sweeten it so nicely!

  2. I've always eaten cupcakes that way. Or mushed half the icing onto the bottom part of the cupcake and eaten them separately, and people thought I was mad. And very devoted to cupcakes.

Who doesn't love comments? Please let me know you stopped by and share your thoughts on the topic at hand.

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Home :: Accessories :: Golf Accessories

Golf Accessories

Find discount golf accessories at Monark Golf. Golf gloves, golf tees, golf training aids and golf towels are must haves for your game. Golf headcovers protect your valuable golf clubs and keep them in great shape.

Balls 15 products Ball Markers 2 products Cleaning & Repair 23 products Golf Tees 46 products Golf Shoe Cleats 32 products Golf Gloves 14 products Golf Practice Aids 16 products Push & Pull Carts 1 products Rangefinders & GPS Watches Shoe Accessories 8 products

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