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Monthly Archives: February 2013

Four Ways To Quit Smoking

I bet you didn’t know this but smoking is not good for you. Seriously, it’s not. And even though there are so many plusses to throwing the guts of a tenner down the drain in exchange for lung cancer, there are a variety of downsides to smoking, such as cigarette boxes being a major hindrance when fashion dictates that eenie-weenie handbags are all the rage. Yes, smoking is a ‘drag’… etc.

So, if we can’t fit our smokes in mini-semi-functional accessories, why do people smoke, I hear you ask out-of-politeness. I have no idea, to be honest. As a lifelong non-smoker, I’m writing this sanctimoniously from up upon my self-built pedestal, nodding along to the episode of Happy Days when Fonzie got Joanie to quit smoking. I suppose it has something to do with being addicted to nicotine, trying to fit in with the ‘cool gang’ like Danny Zuko and the rest of the T-Birds and generally enjoying standing outside in the pissing rain sucking on a death-stick while the rest of us are inside the club dancing ironically to Ride on Time by Black Box.

But even though I know nothing, I’m getting my two cents in. Here’s Four Ways To Quit Smoking.

Switch Your Supplier

I recently watched a really depressing episode of Rip Off Britain (is there any other kind?) in which Customs & Excise had cottoned on to a huge, decade-long scheme in which fake cigarettes had been shipped to England from France and supplied to local corners shops. ‘These cigarettes contain nothing more than floor sweepings wrapped in greaseproof paper, and people have been smoking these for years thinking they’re authetic,’ tutted the investigations team (made up of the sort of people who start sentences with ‘I’m not racist but’ and proceed with a racist statement). No-one seemed to realise that the ‘criminals’ behind this scheme had probably saved hundreds of smokers from lung cancer with their fake cigarettes, and almost certainly cured anyone who smoked their fake cigarettes long-term of their nicotine addictions, and, considering their stolen taxes were more than recouped in NHS savings on cancer treatment and the infinite cost of saving human lives, they deserve a good pat on the back. So switch your supplier to your local corner shop, and the only thing you’ll be addicted to is laughing at the petty nature of Rip Off Britain.

Get Pregnant

Having another human inside of you means you can blame all sorts of shit on them when really, it’s your own crappy willpower. ‘The baby is a social smoker’ is what you should tell people when they look at you judgementally. Yeah, like they never endangered the life of their own child. This statement implies that the baby only smokes socially, and that you’re not chain smoking at home and blaming it on your unborn child who will thank you when they’re older that you smoked while pregnant and as a result, they now shop in Topshop’s petite section. Bastards.

The sign under which many a smoker stands in the lobby of your local supermarket

The sign under which many a smoker stands in the lobby of your local supermarket

Blame Philosophy

‘If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?‘, Starbucks patrons egocentrically pontificate. The jury is out on the one, peeps, apparently there are some fucking idiots out there who believe in the possibility that the no sound is made in an unpopulated place. So, you should find this tree, because evidentally, you could probably smoke there and you wouldn’t be smoking, too. And, even if those who do believe that the tree does make a noise in an empty forest are all like ‘Yes, you’re definitely smoking’, those who oppose their viewpoint won’t think you’re smoking, which means you’ve cut down on your smoking by 50%, so you’re halfway on the road to quitting anyways.

If someone points out that as you are now in the tree-vicinity and thus, this makes the argument void as someone is now in the forest, tell them to fuck up and go back to their non-taxpaying coffee.

Smoke Crack Instead

Focusing your nicetine cravings on something else may help in achieving a cigarette-free existence. Smoking crack instead will help you achieve this, as when you lose your job, home and relationships, and whilst shacking up in your local crackden and pimping yourself out to fund your crack habit, cigarettes will be the last thing on your mind.

Quitting smoking is a journey towards addressing the underlying reasons that drove you to start smoking in the first place, such as peer pressure, feelings of inadequency, stress, unhappiness or other life issues. With this in mind, you might consider taking up smoking as a coping mechanism when you’re trying to quit smoking. I won’t tell if you won’t.

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Exercise Move of the Month- Putting in a Home Gym

About to give up and have a Snickers.

About to give up and have a Snickers.

Yes folks, it’s time again for another Exercise Move of the Month! And this month’s move aims to give you a full body workout by doing… fuck all, really.

As the sort of person who drinks wine as 5 0f my 5-a-day, I’m hardly the most motivated to make a decent lifestyle change. Which is why I think vowing to do something about your shit diet and lack of exercise routine tomorrow is a great idea because then you don’t have to worry about it today and you can relax because everything will be alright when you wake up tomorrow with a magic personality transplant that includes not wanting to smoke anymore and a burning desire to lift some weights. Yes, this will definately happen.

Furthermore, when you wake you tomorrow, you only have to do ‘something’ about your crappy diet and exercise routine, and that doesn’t neccessarily mean cut out the crap and start riding a bike, it just means you have to appear as though you’re making a change for the better. And it is for this purpose, and this purpose only, that the Argos catalogue has a ‘gym equipment’ section.

Of course, no-one who purchases such equipment actually uses it. No, it’s just there to self-delude that today is the first day of the rest of your life. The day after purchase, it’ll morph into an expensive clothes-fucker-overer. But for that first day, it’ll be your ‘I’m doing something about my Type-2 diabetes and possible drinking problem’ procrastination station. And only for the cost of a few thousand quid. So this month’s exercise move is brought to you by your imminent heart attack, and is called ‘Putting in a Home Gym’. Here’s how to do it:

Step 1

It’s Sunday and you’ve just eaten four portions of dessert and the big bowl of pasta salad you made yourself well-meaningly for lunches all week. You vow to ‘do something about it’ tomorrow. With that in mind, start to work out your biceps by chain-smoking all night in accordance with ‘the rules’- i.e. you must get rid of all temptations in the house that will prevent you from starting your life over again tomorrow. If your fitness level permits, push yourself with star jumps so you can see if there’s anything lurking at the back of the cupboards that you can eat now while you have the excuse.

Step 2

You wake up on Monday morning and remember your pledge to live a healthier lifestyle. Work out those chest muscles as you sob loudly. As you take your crying down to a gentle whimper, feel the burn in your wrists as you chop 14 carrots resentfully for your ‘lunch’.

Step 3

Get those stomach muscles moving as you try to eat your lunch as fast as you can without vomiting at how bland and shit it is. While your abdominals are fighting back, get those wrists moving as you flick through the Argos catalogue, circling treadmills and other shit you’ll never use. Finally, focus on you breathing as you let out a sigh of despair that you’ve turned out to be such a failure.

This will be you, like, every night once you buy this gym crap.

This will be you, like, every night once you buy this gym crap.

Step 4

Keep that gut in gear as you dry heave when you hand over your credit card to Argos to pay them £1999 for a Reebok treadmill you are surely going to neglect. Whilst your stomach is convulsing, wake up those barely-used neck muscles by shaking your head in denial at that little voice in your head saying ‘Don’t do it’.

Step 5

Kick your workout up a notch by dragging all of your new bollocks out to your car and wrestling to fit it all in. When you admit defeat, lunge back to Argos to purchase a roof-rack. When installing your new roof-rack, lunge back to the the shop again to inform them of which screws are missing from your purchase.

Step 6

Arrive home and tone your core with a miserable night of setting up your home gym and arguing with your spouse. Get that heart rate up by screaming ‘You never support any of my dreams’, throwing your spanner at them and locking yourself in the bathroom all night. Keep that heart rate up while you listen to your spouse continuing to erect your home gym just to spite you. Probably.

Step 7

Bring your body back to down to resting rate as you finally come out of the bathroom and apologise for storming off in a huff. See your new gym in all of it’s glory, taking up space in the spare room. Say ‘Brilliant, I can start working out tomorrow morning’ to your spouse, close the door and never open again.

And… rest. Great workout, everyone!

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Ten Things I Hate About Sky

Fuck you

Fuck you

I fucking hate Sky TV. Here’s why:

1. Why do they even bother to show the weather on Sky News when your Sky box breaks when it rains?

Despite being a multi-billion pound company, evidentally Sky make their viewing boxes from bits of old potato skin and a few milk bottle tops left over from a Blue Peter project when they were deemed ‘too flimsy to use’. They are tempermental as fuck, to the point I get anxious doing anything scart-related down the back of the TV, for fear of the box knocking off and having to deal with the dreading blue screen and error code 26 (call centre representative translation: this caller has raped your spouse and you should treat them as such).

I’m now at the point that I’m praying that Winter will pass mildly lest I have to ring their fucking premium rate line and listen to ‘Let Me Entertain You’ by Robbie Williams on loop until I either A) die of old age or B) cut myself just to feel something.

2. Ringing their call centre

Which brings me to my next point. I avoid ringing Sky at all costs. Usually, I try to solve Sky-related problems myself (i.e. taking out the wire connected to the satellite dish, blowing the dust off it and putting it back 57 times before kicking the TV and walking off to cry elsewhere), but sometimes I have no choice and must ring their premium rate number so that someone can ruin my day. The last time I had no choice but to ring, a representative advised that the technical difficulties I had experienced were due to snow, to which I pointed out that it wasn’t snowing. I was asked to check with my next door neighbour, to see if they had snow. Obviously, my neighbour lives in Antarctica. Fuck sake.

3. Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch: doesn't need your money but he's taking it anyway

Rupert Murdoch: doesn’t need your money but he’s taking it anyway

Probably the most sickening thing about being tied into a Sky contract is that you’re making Rupert Murdoch, a cunt of the highest order, a little bit richer. Not that he needs it. In Alan Sugar’s autobiographical bore-fest, ‘What You See Is What You Get’ (I bet other potential titles included ‘You Are The Weakest Link, Goodbye’ and ‘Only Smarties Have The Answer’, the unoriginal wanker), he whittles on for a few pages about how he wasn’t too fond of Rupert Murdoch when they first met back in the days of Sky’s conception, but now thinks he’s a top guy.

Ahmmm, Rupert Murdoch completely controls any UK right-wing propaganda-style media that relentlessly spews out sensationalised nonsense about how immigration and benefit-claimants are responsible for the ongoing economic turdslide, whilst neglecting to point out that, actually, we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess if it wasn’t for greedy investment banker bastards and people like himself, large multi-nationals who don’t pay their corporate tax and the tolerance for white-collar crime. He is literally the exact opposite of Robin Hood, in that he steals from the poor, gives to the rich. What a cunt.

4. Their fucking motto

Sky saying ‘Believe in Better’ is like a domestic abuser whispering to his/her spouse after a particularly harsh beating, ‘One day you’ll escape’.

5. They own the rights to Modern Family

And if it wasn’t for Modern Family, I’d be skipping off to Virgin with more delight than Richard Branson arsing about in a hot air balloon and posing with disadvantaged yoofs for photographs on the CSR section of the Virgin website (you can’t access it because your Virgin broadband is currently experiencing technical difficulties, but it’s there, I promise). On second thought, Richard Branson is so irritating that I don’t own enough knives to stab him adequately, so perhaps not.

6. They don’t reply to e-mailed queries

And you know why? Because they don’t give a fuck.

7. The staff are a drag

Two years ago, I rang Sky after receiving a letter to advise that they had tried to ring me twice (they hadn’t) to inform me that they were cancelling my Broadband order because my address didn’t exist (it did- hence the fact I’d received their letter). When I (delightfully) rang back, I spoke to the one remaining department whose work hadn’t been outsourced to Mumbai to exploit cheaper operational costs, which was great. Except it wasn’t, at all. The call centre representative spent the majority of the call talking about how she was disappointed that her First in Law amounted to a Sky call centre job, while I made sympathetic noises and prayed she didn’t get put me on hold to go for a smoke in the staff toilets. Unsurprisingly, my broadband order remains unfulfilled because Sky maintains my home does not exist. Which is funny because they still charge me for Sky TV when according to them, I’m homeless and can probably do with the money, not to mention the fact that I probably wouldn’t have a TV what with living on the streets.

8. They treat new customers better than existing customers

Yes, Sky are happy to hand out freebies and shit to people who don’t have Sky, but what do you get for loyalty? A hearty ‘Fuck you’, that’s what. This is the equivalent of going on a dinner date with your partner, in which they shit in your handbag and hand out roses to every other lady in the restaurant. I, for one, would not put up with that shit. But what am I going to do? Ring and complain? Can’t do that as my neighbour doesn’t have snow. Leave? Then I’ll never get to see Gloria have her baby on Modern Family. Not that they’re even showing Modern Family anyway as Sky says it’s ‘still on Christmas break’. It’s the middle of February, for fuck’s sake.

9. They get you hooked and they treat you like a bitch

Girls: What is this hold you have over me? Oh yes, a 12 month contract.

Girls: What is this hold you have over me? Oh yes, a 12 month contract.

You see, they hooked me in with Modern Family and then I watched Girls on Sky Atlantic and I’m hooked on that, too. Us people who watch TV as a substitute for actual relationships with real, non-TV based people are well and truly fucked. There’s no chance I’m going to leave. What would I do with my time? All my possible timefillers lead to murder.

10. Other

Even though I’ve ranted for 1,000 words, I still don’t feel like I’ve scratched the surface of Sky’s cuntdom. We all know that public hatred for Sky is infinite.

Anything you don’t like about Sky? Perhaps you love the romance of ringing Mumbai and then listening to someone who has spent their day on the receiving end of mild racial insults for the majority of their 14-hour shift and don’t agree? But maybe you aren’t a fucking moron and you do. So let me know what you hate about Sky and we’ll sit around and bitch about it until we both pledge to cancel, but then decide against it privately.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… One Direction

One Direction

X Factor ‘royalty’, One Direction, first exploded on to the music scene when they were deemed not good enough to compete as solo artists on the show and were lumped into the group category with the suspected instructions, ‘Don’t struggle with Louis Walsh, it’s best to just let him finish’. But after that initial scramble, these modern day Sk8r Bois have taken the music industry by storm, miming in iconic concert settings all over the world.

As famous for their exploits as they are their manufactured asexual dronings, everything these boys touch turns to gold. Well, Disney-necklace-exclusive-to-Argos gold. But what do we not know about One Direction? Here’s the scoop:

1. Mickey, Mikey, Mike, Ike and Biffo hail from working class backgrounds in various regions around England and Ireland. When the boys first applied for X Factor, the producers insisted they compete under ‘sexier’ aliases, and renamed the boys Louis, Niall, Harry, Zayn and Liam because they wanted the boys to sound like ‘a special needs class in a modern-day Grange Hill‘.

2. As is customary on X Factor, the boys had to each submit a sob story in order to qualify in the preliminary heats. ‘When I heard that every one of us had a shitting-their-trunks-in-a-public-setting story, I knew it was fate,‘ explains Biffo Liam.

3. Whilst competing in the X Factor, the boys popularised a variety of old songs, giving them an updated twist for their new generation of fans. Such songs included ‘Girl You Know It’s True’ by Milli Vanilli during Mime Week, ‘Gimme More’ by Britney Spears during Singing Along To A Prerecorded Track While Eating Cheesy Wotsits Week, and ‘Backstreet’s Back’ by Backstreet Boys during Arguments In Favour Of Pro-Choice Week.

4. Even though the boys didn’t win the X Factor, they remain firm friends with series winner, Hats McGee, who won with his original mash-up of, ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows/No Way No Way (Manah Manah) Don’t get Fresh With Me’.

One Direction: Dead zany.

One Direction: Dead zany.

5. The boys frequently return to the X Factor stage to perform, where Mickey Harry was rumoured to have had a relationship with Xtra Factor presenter, Caroline Flack. This affair was concocted by X Factor producers and was deliberately outlandish to keep people from guessing that Harry was actually dating Olly Murs.

6. The boys’ love lives are the subject of much speculation but not all of the boys are interested in dating. ‘I’d much prefer to spend my time sewing dresses for my porcelain doll collection,’ laughs Ike Louis.

7. Token minority Mike Zayn, however, has been dating fellow X Factor turd, Perrie from Little Mix, since their record label forced them together for marketing purposes. Sadly, it has been reported this week that Zayn is rumoured to have cheated on Perrie and has been subsequently dumped. Although neither party has confirmed anything, a record label representative has said, ‘Expect to see staged pictures of Zayn in a rehabilitation facility playing guitar on his own wearing a loose fitting linen shirt and hemp bottoms in a future issue of Heat magazine in relation to this issue.’

8. Sadly, the same can be said for Biffo Liam, who split with long term girlfriend Danielle in September 2012. ‘She didn’t know she was beautiful, and even though that’s what made her beautiful, the memories of Louis Walsh make me not want to be touched,’ he shudders.

9. Baby of the group, Mikey Niall has no time for love, even though he’s had plenty of offers. ‘I’m too busy with my Facebook poke war with Jedward, and buying various colours of oversized baseball caps in Footlooker with team logos on them of which I couldn’t even tell you what sport they relate to,’ he shrugs, going back to his Scalextric set.

10. Despite their tumultuous love lives and extensive work and personal commitments, these boys are intent upon world domination. But what’s next for One Direction? ‘We want to start releasing our own compositions, and have been working on a album that with songs about each flavour of Rowntree’s Fruit Pastille. My favourite is purple flavour, and I hate green. But it’s ok because Biffo loves green,‘ said the one with the floppy hair, Disney-boy smile and formal suit blazer with skinny jeans.

Well, no matter what, these boys are heading in the right Direction. Insert other jokes here.

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Blue 3 – Marcot

  • Country of Origin: France
  • Color(s): Green, Black
  • Status after the OVA: Unknown; Possibly scuttled

The French-built Blue 3 (Marcot) played a key role in Blue Fleet’s victory over the Ghost-Ship. Acting as a decoy, its actions allowed Blue 6 to attack the Ghost-Ship from above i.e. its blind spot. This victory was of course partly due to the overconfidence and recklessness of Verg.

It is not known what happened to the Marcot and its crew at the end of the anime. The sub was already badly damaged and could only crawl along the ocean surface. It was probably scuttled and its crew rescued/transferred to Blue 6.

~ by ticktank on August 1, 2008.

One Response to “Blue 3 – Marcot”

  1. Like the design of this sub a lot. Should have given the captain a French accent though. Assuming he is French and not American. Given the cultural and racial spectrum of Blue 6’s crew it can be inferred that he’s probably American.

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Mutio hentai redux…

**Warning: Sexual content (cartoon nudity) on this page. Do not proceed if you’re not of legal age or don’t want to be.

As promised, here’s another Mutio pic commissioned by myself (for a change), in celebration of my winnings in the recently concluded 2008 US Presidential elections. Regarding the pic: Love triangles are always entertaining to poke fun at, and who could resist seeing a naked and pissed-off Kino? 😛 Feel free to distribute/post it elsewhere, but please leave the pic intact (especially the artist’s name). And as always, wash your hands after you’re done. 😛

Comiket 75 is less than 6 weeks away, and www.toranoana.co.jp is already taking pre-orders for the catalog, for those who are interested. Will be posting more about my BS6 hunting plans as the date approaches.

~ by ticktank on November 13, 2008.

8 Responses to “Mutio hentai redux…”

  1. Whooo! I always love to see more Mutio hentai. Thanks for sharing.

  2. No, seriously if you got a line graph of the number of hits this blog gets daily, there would be a massive peak on the 13th of November.

    Not that I’m complaining. Great pic ticktank. Thank you.

    I’m looking forward to those blue sub updates. 🙂

  4. NP guys just sharing when its a good time to 😛 Comiket updates will be in a while, once the catalog arrives.

    The wordpress spam filter has been screwy lately; sorry if some of your comments aren’t getting through (I need to approve them all now).

  5. I’ve been to that artist website and I’m gonna see about having a comic done.

  6. Hehe nice! Hope it turns out well. Palcomix has been quite busy lately I heard, and its about $40 per comic frame (5 minimum). Best to email and find out the details.

    But yes, do pay for his services if you can; help finance his living expenses 😛

  7. sure thing thanx for the info.

  8. It could be an official poster.

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Atmocean readies wave energy buoy for shipment to Canada

Atmocean wave buoy set for Canada (Photo: Atmocean)

Wave energy developer Atmocean is wrapping up preparations for the shipment of its single pump wave unit to Canada, scheduled for next week, ahead of ocean trials set to begin later in September.

The entire single pump unit is planned to ship out via container on September 5, 2017, for Newfoundland in Canada, according to Atmocean’s Chief Operating Officer, Christopher White.

The unit is currently in Albuquerque in Atmocean’s home state of New Mexico where the remaining components of the pump are going through final assembly with the company’s local producer Reytek.

The work is being done for Atmocean’s project with the College of North Atlantic at Lord’s Cove which seeks to develop a land based integrated multi-trophic aquaculture (IMTA) system.

The testing of the system is planned to start around September 20, 2017, depending on the weather conditions in the area, White confirmed.

“Maintaining a design that can easily be moved by road and container continues to allow for low cost testing and use of local labor and resources. The test includes sending the pumped pressurized seawater onshore to the IMTA system, providing salmon and other marine species with wave powered flow through seawater. This lays the groundwork for establishing some of the most sustainable and environmentally sound aquaculture practices known to the industry,” White said.

Although Atmocean is still focused on building out a full commercial array consisting of 16 buoys with an end product of desalinated water for coastal countries in need such as Perú and Chile, this demonstration could open the doors for the company to enter an entirely different but equally massive industry, White added.

The deployment represents another step forward towards the commercialization of Atmocean’s system as this third round of testing is expected to bring it to a technology readiness level (TRL) of seven – a technology prototype which has been demonstrated in an operational environment.

Atmocean’s system consists of buoys and pressurized pumps, and uses wave power to send pressurized seawater onto shore where it is desalinated without the use of external energy.

It is also capable of producing electricity, but the company is currently focused on different applications for the technology.

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Geneva Group International

TK is a member of GENEVA GROUP INTERNATIONAL, one of the world’s leading networks of professional and independent law, accounting and consulting firms.

Geneva Group International (GGI) has been ranked by the Accountancy Magazine as one of the world’s top ten networks. GGI has also grown to become the world's largest multidisciplinary alliance that includes law firms, accounting firms, trust firms and management consulting firms offering professional services.

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 GGI promotes itself as follows:
“All of the members are committed to providing clients with specialized solutions for their international business needs. We and our clients can select a Geneva Group International firm from a number of countries around the world with confidence, because all of the members share a common mission to provide top-quality services.

In conjunction with Geneva Group International we can support you with any of the following:
- Financial Audit & Accountancy Services
- Tax Consulting
- Legal Services
- Management Consulting
- Corporate Financing
- Trust & Wealth Management
- Family Office Services
- Mergers & Acquisitions

GGI employs a rigorous method of selecting and admitting new members. Only firms providing high quality standards and excellent client services are invited to join GGI. Each member firm is admitted only after substantial due diligence, and must survive regular quality and peer review procedures in order to retain membership in the network.

Geneva Group International’s broad international coverage provides us and our clients with access to high quality firms in nearly every major financial and commercial center. All member firms are locally based firms, indigenous to their areas. As a result, they have developed the most necessary expertise as well as strong ties to the business communities. They can also apprise clients of the area’s political context and provide firsthand information about the local landscape.”

As a result of attending the international conferences and practice group meetings at least twice a year, we personally know almost every member and can recommend you the right expert for your special needs.

We will be very pleased to assist you with all inquiries, no matter where in the world.

Michiel Teekens
T +31 71 5358065


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An alternative library solution- Chattanooga

I fear that a for-profit library system would jack up fees to whatever was most profitable for the owners/investors, and that higher user fees would effectively exclude some people from use of the library resources. If so, there are latent talents among them that would not be supported and developed, and society would lose the benefits of their talent. The already excessively large gap between rich and the poor would be made larger.

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Survivor Reborn Takes Lara Croft on an Egyptian Adventure

Survivor Reborn admin Lori and her husband Jay recently spent ten incredible days in Egypt and brought along their Rock Candy Lara Croft figure, who was more than happy to pose for photos in front of some of the country’s key attractions. From the pyramids at Giza to the Graeco-Roman ruins of Alexandria, from the banks of the Nile to the majestic temple ruins of Karnak, from the sun-beaten Valley of the Kings to the treasure-filled halls of the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities, Lori and Jay ... [Continue Reading]

February 13, 2018 // 0 Comments

Arte-Factual: Gilded Chinthe (Relic Run)

With Rise of the Tomb Raider still months away from release, the endless-runner mobile game Lara Croft: Relic Run has provided Tomb Raider fans with their much-needed fix of Crofty goodness. Relic Run has not only provided me with hours of entertaining gameplay and amusing ragdoll deaths; it’s also offered me a whole new selection of artefacts to feature on this blog. So let’s kick things off by looking at one of the 20 relics from the game’s Jungle Temple level, the ... [Continue Reading]

June 10, 2015 // 5 Comments

15 Awesome Tomb Raider Easter Eggs

One of the greatest pleasures in video gaming is the discovery (intentional or otherwise) of “Easter eggs”, those little jokes, secret levels, or hidden messages that game developers insert in their games for the players’ amusement. With a back catalogue spanning almost two decades and across multiple platforms, the Tomb Raider series has had its fair share of “Easter eggs”, ranging from humourous references to fan community in-jokes to visual gags that may be ... [Continue Reading]

April 13, 2015 // 16 Comments

Arte-Factual: The Dendera Zodiac (The Last Revelation)

It seems that everyone is going crazy for Katy Perry’s latest music video, Dark Horse, which presents a very colourful, if somewhat inaccurate, view of Ancient Egypt. So I thought I’d jump on the latest “Egyptomania” bandwagon and look at a famous sculpture that can be seen in the Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation level, Cleopatra’s Palaces. Perhaps you may recall seeing a large blue disc painted on (or carved out of) the ceiling of one of the rooms in the palace ... [Continue Reading]

February 26, 2014 // 8 Comments

Lara’s Travels: KV5

You’d be forgiven for thinking that the KV5 level of Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation was rather dull and forgettable. There are no real tombs to explore, no noteworthy treasures to find and you spend most of your time driving a jeep through sand dunes, dodging grenades, and avoiding deadly spike pits. Perhaps the level designers just didn’t realize that the real KV5 would turn out to be the largest tomb ever found in the Valley of the Kings. KV5, which stands for ... [Continue Reading]

November 10, 2013 // 5 Comments

Jean-Yves Empereur: A Career in Ruins

“All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.” How often have we seen these words appear on the big screen, on TV, or in print? But oddly enough, there was one occasion where the resemblance to a fictional character in a Tomb Raider game was perhaps a little too close for comfort. Does the name Jean Yves ring any bells? In 2001, the Alexandria-based Egyptologist and archaeologist Jean-Yves Empereur ... [Continue Reading]

August 2, 2013 // 6 Comments

Lara’s Travels: Tomb of Semerkhet

In this edition of Lara’s Travels, we’ll be exploring the Tomb of Semerkhet, one of the many Egypt-based levels in Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation. One of the things that long-time fans of the Tomb Raider series may have noticed is the series’ quirky blend of historical fact and archaeological fantasy. The Last Revelation is no exception. Does the Tomb of Semerkhet really exist? The answer is yes….and no. In The Last Revelation, Semerkhet is said to be a High Priest ... [Continue Reading]

June 8, 2013 // 12 Comments

Popular Archaeology: The Lost Temples of Angkor

Popular Archaeology published an article about the discovery of five pre-Angkorian temples in Cambodia’s Oddar Meanchay province in February 2013. Archaeological field survey and excavation work in Cambodia is often hampered by the presence of land mines, legacies of the bloody civil wars that threatened to tear the country apart in the 1970s, but…. …Despite that danger, on that day, in February of 2013, [Nady] Phann and his team discovered five pre-Angkorian temples. These ... [Continue Reading]

June 3, 2013 // 2 Comments

Which Tomb Raider Location Would You Love to Explore in Real Life?

If you had the money and means to explore any of the places featured in the Tomb Raider games, films, or comics, where would you go? Would you visit the stunning temples of Angkor, explore the frozen expanses of Antarctica, wander through the urban wildernesses of London and Tokyo, or do a spot of mountain climbing in Peru? Feel free to let us know what is on your Tomb Raider travel wishlist by leaving your comments below! You can learn more about the places Lara Croft has visited over ... [Continue Reading]

March 14, 2013 // 20 Comments

10 Fantastic Free Resources for Learning Egyptian Hieroglyphs

Have you ever had the urge to follow in Lara’s footsteps and learn to read Egyptian hieroglyphs? If so, you may be interested to know that there are a number of useful, free online resources at your disposal. These, if used in combination with a good textbook such as James P. Allen’s Middle Egyptian: An Introduction to the Language and Culture of Hieroglyphs [Buy it on Amazon/Amazon UK] or Mark Collier and Bill Manley’s How to Read Egyptian Hieroglyphs [Buy it on ... [Continue Reading]

March 11, 2013 // 25 Comments


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~~Book Tour~~ Perdition House (Tales of Perdition #1) An Erotic Saga by author Bonnie Edwards @BonnieEdwards

Perdition House - Tour Banner

TITLE – Perdition House Part 1 An Erotic Saga
SERIES – Tales of Perdition
AUTHOR – Bonnie Edwards
GENRE – Paranormal Erotic Romance
PUBLICATION DATE – June 28, 2014
LENGTH (Pages/# Words) – 91K words
COVER ARTIST – Eva Natsumi

Perdition House - Book Cover

When Faye Grantham inherits Perdition House, her family’s secret shame, she expects to sell the property for millions and marry her long time fiancé.

But the spirits who still reside in the mansion have other ideas. Trapped in the bordello, the women who lived and worked there wait to tell their stories to Faye.

The “girls” don’t just hang around waiting. They control Faye’s libido, influence her decisions and drive her into the arms of two very different men.

Liam Watson wears comfort like most men wear cologne. With an interest in adventurous sex, he’s more man than he first seems.

Mark McLeod is a strong, decisive businessman who was not meant to be more than a hot one-night stand. But Mark is in no hurry to end their liaison, and hopes to continue Faye’s lessons in sensuality.

As Faye becomes enthralled with the mansion, she’s embroiled in a life-changing situation that has her re-examining her engagement, her business decisions, and her beliefs about herself.

As the spirits reveal themselves one by one, Faye learns their stories: how they came to Perdition House, why they joined the women there and some of the secrets that only a high-class bordello could hold.

But can decades-old secrets affect Faye’s life today?

Book On Sale for 50% Off During Tour

(Originally $4.99 Get Yours For Only $2.49)

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Perdition House – Book #2

Perdition House Part 1…An Erotic Saga by Bonnie Edwards

Chapter 1

On a mission she’d been planning for two weeks and wanting for longer, Faye Grantham took a breath, smoothed her palm up her thigh to hike her dress and crossed the threshold into the darkly lit hotel bar.

Desperation was a harsh mistress and demanded sacrifice, and Faye was desperate. Propelled into the bar by a heat under her skin she could no longer deny, her craving exploded outward, from her skin, her hair, and the ends of her fingertips. She was on fire and it amazed her that no one in the hotel lobby had called 911.

Sex with a stranger. An I don’t want to know your name kind of stranger, that’s what she was here for, and that’s what she was determined to get.

She paused inside the entrance to glance around for a likely candidate. At first she was disappointed. A sparse crowd was sprinkled around the edges of the room. Light came from tabletop candles and subdued ceiling bulbs made to look like the night sky. For a bar called the Stargazer, it made sense.

Couples shared a quiet drink and men spoke into their cell phones while checking their laptops. A woman with shopping bags that sported expensive logos sipped a martini. Her mouth was set grimly, and she downed the drink fast, nodding for the next before the glass was set back on the table. An obviously bad day.

The only men of interest were a group of rowdy suits at a table left of the door. Four men in their early thirties, happy and celebrating.

Pay dirt.

Her inner heat cranked up to unbearable at the sight of all those delicious-looking men. She kept her gaze forward to hide her interest but had to ease out a breath. She half expected to see fire blaze from her mouth.

Need. She’d never felt such need.

Forcing her legs to take her past the men and toward the bar kept her focused.

An ego-boosting silence hit the table as she strolled by. A whiff of tantalizing male cologne swirled around her head as she moved past. It was a man-spice smell that went straight to every feminine scent receptacle in her head.
Her nostrils flared to catch every molecule.

If she turned her head to look at the men, she’d stop walking, and one last shred of pride wouldn’t let her. She would not stand there to be ogled openly.

Moisture pooled at the image in her mind of four men touching her with their eyes, skimming her arms, her breasts, her legs, taking inventory of all her secret places. All of them wanting to be with her, inside her hot, hot skin.
Suddenly awash in heat, she took a hard breath. Keep moving.

If she wasn’t careful, she’d end up with all of them at once. She’d be flat out, stripped naked on a bed, with four men making her melt, making her wet.

The back of a male hand brushed lovingly down the side of her naked breast. Pure fantasy, but the feeling was exquisite. She closed her eyes so she could enjoy the intensity. The hair on the back of his fingers would excite and entice as he pressed against the soft flesh. Her nipple would bead; the knuckles, large and knobby, would caress and inflame her areola. Another man would kiss her mouth, sucking at her lower lip before sliding his tongue deeply into her yearning, empty mouth. Oh, yes.

She could have two of them suckle her breasts, and one could pleasure her toes. The fourth, oh, the fourth would slide his broad fingers into her so she could ride out an explosive orgasm before he slid his massive cock into her. She squeezed her thighs together, barely able to walk the rest of the way. Melting in the heat of her own fantasy, she finally made it to a bar stool.

She’d never, ever entertained such hot fantasies before. Maybe it was turning thirty last month, or maybe it was finally being engaged after five years. Or, maybe, it was Colin’s talk of her needing a sex therapist.

Whatever was going on, she loved it. She was living a sexual implosion, and she needed to understand why. And fast.
Her bra felt like burlap and scratched against her raised nipples. Sparkles of desire raced from her breasts to her pussy, and she shivered with the yummy feel. In her mind, one of the men soothed the roughened nubs with an expert tongue. She imagined a wet mouth suckling at her as she tilted her head back to offer more. She shivered as the man’s lips trailed up her neck.

Suddenly remembering she was sitting alone on a bar stool waiting to be served, she pulled out of her fantasy and looked down the bar for the bartender. It wouldn’t do to start moaning in the throes of an imagined orgasm.

She’d be hauled out of her seat and sent to a rubber room.

Maybe that’s where she belonged. But before that happened, she was going to get laid. Her nameless lover would be one of those great-smelling men at the table behind her.

One of them would surely read the signs of her arousal. One of them would tap into it, want to exploit it. One of them would want it bad.

And bad was what she needed.

This craving had built for months. At first it had manifested as an unsettled feeling when Great Auntie Mae Grantham had passed away. She’d felt guilty for not going to see her more often.

Then–oh, so slowly–the unsettled feeling grew into an itch she couldn’t scratch. She and Colin had had more sex, but she’d been even less satisfied than usual. All the while the craving grew until it tore and clawed at her, bringing sexual frustration to a pinnacle. She couldn’t fight it any longer.

A sexual implosion was the only name she could give the wild craving. It filled most of her waking moments and all of her sleeping ones. Sexual need crawled under her skin, oozed out her pores, scented her breath and made her carry fresh panties everywhere she went.

Everything she’d done, everything she’d tried had brought her to this moment, to these men. These strangers.
If she didn’t succeed in this mission tonight, her marriage was doomed before it began.

She kept her back to the tableful of men so they could sort it out amongst themselves. In a few minutes, when they saw she was alone, one of them would stroll over, lean against her forearm where it rested on the bar. He’d burn with the fire on her skin. He’d order a drink, see if she shifted away.

When she stayed put, he’d look at her and smile. She’d cross her arms under her breasts and, without flinching, give him an eyeful. She’d chosen this bra for maximum uplift. The top of her areolae peeked over the edges of the lace cups, the rosy flesh obvious from above.

The dress she wore had practically chosen her instead of the other way around. She’d found it in her backroom inventory in a stack of men’s fedoras, folded like a scarf.

Odd that she’d even thought to look there. She shouldn’t have looked for a dress in a pile of hats. When she’d pulled it out and held it against her body, it screamed come fuck me, and she knew it was the one to wear.

She’d checked the tag and found it had been worn by a B actress in a 1957 sex-kitten flick. Not much cachet in the vintage clothing business, but a whole lot of “hot” in the seduce-a-stranger realm.

She smiled and felt her sexual aura shimmer again as she tilted her hips just so toward the men and placed her beaded clutch on the bar top.

Beaming a smile at the bartender, she leaned toward him, her nipples grazing the round, leather, rolled edge of the bar top. Enjoying the pressure, she swished her nipples back and forth to ease herself.

Big mistake. At the faint abrasion, moisture pooled again and slid down her channel to wet her G-string. She crossed and uncrossed her legs to appease her inner ache.

Her focus turned inward at the first sensation of moisture between her legs. The bartender had been wiping up a spill a few feet over but let the cloth he used dangle from his hand as she settled into her seat. Idly she wondered if he could see sparks in her eyes.

She tilted her head, gave her hair a fluff and then raised her arms so her breasts jiggled just for him. He woke from wherever his thoughts had taken him and came over to her. Young, handsome, and randy, he leaned across the bar and took a good look at her cleavage.

“Aren’t you breaking some bartender’s code by staring at my breasts?” But she squeezed them together again to ensure his interest.

He grinned and looked into her eyes. “What can I give you tonight?”

“I don’t know. What do you have that’s juicy and wet? I’m a thirsty girl.”

His eyes flared, and he folded his arms on the bar. Strong forearms, with a sprinkling of hair showing out of the sleeves of his brilliant white shirt.

“You must work out. Your upper arms bulge with muscles. You look very strong.” She trailed a fingernail across the back of his hand, down to the tip of his middle finger.

One of the suits moved in beside her before the bartender could answer. “I’ll have a whiskey and soda. And for the lady?”

He followed the script, and with a look that scorched peered down her scoop-necked bodice. Faye gave him a slow, welcoming smile and crossed her legs again. “I like your cologne. I smelled it when I walked by.”

He caught the movement of her legs and grinned. “I’m glad you like it.” He reversed her seductive movement and traced a fingertip from the pink-painted nail of her index finger across her knuckle and along the vein in her hand to her wrist.

Fire raced along every nerve he danced against. Touch me, touch me. Oh, touch me.

When he stopped the delicate caress, she thought she’d beg for more. She bit her lower lip, wetting it, plumping it, preparing it. He watched her mouth with deep focus.

Their bodies turned toward each other, their heads dipped even closer.

A strong jaw, even teeth, and intelligent eyes made up her first impression. His control of the situation was apparent when he looked at the younger man and cocked an eyebrow. Quick as that, the bartender bowed out of the equation.

Faye had found her man.

Aside from the sexy cologne, he smelled of success and power, and she blinked up at him as if surprised he’d be so bold. His forearm burned along the length of hers on the bar, right on cue.

She swiveled her ass toward the other three men the man had left behind. An appreciative hiss came from one of them.
She imagined the man beside her skimming his hand down her back to cup a cheek and squeeze. She had to blink to dislodge the image.

His eyes were hazel and hot, his hair neatly trimmed, and his hands were the hands of a businessman. Clean, neat nails. She’d already learned his gentle strength when he’d traced her finger and hand.

His lips were hard, though–exactly the way she liked them. She saw them bearing down on her own, demanding she yield her mouth to his. The strength of her fantasies unnerved her. As if they’d come from somewhere outside her own psyche.

Each fantasy was more powerful than the one before until she wondered if she was projecting them onto her forehead for the world to see.

She’d never been so imaginative. Never so hot, never so needy, never so alive.

“I haven’t decided what I want yet,” she said, finally remembering to reply to the stranger’s question. “I can be very picky.”

She cleared her fantasies away with great effort and took stock of him. What she saw fit her requirements: healthy looking, interested, no wedding band and keen intelligence. Yes, he’d do.

“I’m Faye Grantham,” she said, tossing away her anonymous-sex fantasy. Giving her real name came naturally, and she wasn’t an easy liar.

“As in, ‘grant’im his wish?” One side of his hard mouth kicked up.

“If you’d like.”

“I’d like.”

“Miss, can I get you something?” The bartender interjected all business now.

“Like I said, I’d like something wet, something juicy.” She arched her neck, trailed her fingertips down her throat. “Maybe an icy drink; I like the way they cool me when I’m hot.” Her fingers drew down farther along the line of her cleavage.

There was a long moment of silence from the two men as they watched her fingers trail between her breasts. Her nipples stood out prouder, the areolae hard.

“Do you have something that will cool me off? Something juicy and wet?” She emphasized the t sound, drawing it out only to clip it off at the end.

The gulp the young bartender gave was audible. “A Bellini. You’ll like it, I promise.”

The man at her side–older, and more experienced than the bartender–narrowed his gaze. Then he slid his hand to her back to a spot above the low material of her dress. Her flesh tingled where he touched.

His fingertip drew slow, hypnotic circles on her naked flesh. Her spine straightened in response, lifting her breasts higher. If he didn’t do more than skim a finger along her skin soon, she’d shimmy right out of this bodice.

She looked into his eyes and saw the promise of a sure thing.

He was hers for as long as she wanted to play.

“I don’t need that drink after all,” she said. “I think I see what I need right here.”

She slid off the stool, making certain to brush the length of his body. Her pebbled breasts skimmed his chest, her knee bent as it caressed the side of his leg. More juices flowed at the thought of sex with this man with the hot eyes and hard mouth. She licked her lower lip in anticipation.

“You have a room?” she asked him on a husky note, surprised at the deep timbre.

He nodded and turned his head to the bartender. She liked the sharp angles of his profile, took a complete inventory and burned again.

“Champagne. Suite twenty fourteen,” he ordered from the gaping young man on the other side of the bar.

She slid her eyes to the younger man. “Make it the best you’ve got.”

She turned, took her clutch from the bar top and headed toward the exit that would take them through the lobby and up to his suite. She swayed her hips seductively, straightened her shoulders and knew the heat of his stare through the silk of her dress.

“My card,” he offered. He took her elbow in a firm grip to guide her through the tables. She took the card, glanced at his name in spite of not wanting to know it. Mark McLeod.

It was a good name. She didn’t recognize the company logo, but it didn’t matter; they’d never be in touch again. She slid the card into the outside pocket of her clutch next to the very convenient letter from Watson, Watson and Sloane.

She looked up at his profile once more. Strong chin, bold nose, hard lips, and great shoulders. She warmed through and through at the idea of skimming his collarbone with her mouth, allowing her teeth to leave small marks of possession along the path.

He did not look back at the table of companions he’d left behind. No, his focus was on Faye and Faye alone.
She knew he’d keep it there. How refreshing.

They strode across the lobby together, his fingers firm on her arm. Her breath quickened with each step, her breasts bounced, each movement a secret abrasion on her sensitized nipples. Her knees quaked at the knowledge of what she was about to do. Sex with a stranger in an airport hotel room.

Coolheaded logic flushed through her body, washing away the rapacious desire that had brought her here.

The inherent danger in her plan finally rattled her. Faye glanced at Mark out of the corner of her eye as they walked together. He looked like a decent man, a kind man. A normal man. A hot and ready man she’d deliberately enticed. She couldn’t go back on her offer now.

Her body wouldn’t let her, she realized, as the warmth in her loins spread upward again. She tried to tamp it back, but it was useless. This was a battle she’d lost many times in the last three months. Her body wanted what it wanted in spite of her attempts to hold herself in check.

She wanted to scream her need out loud, but she didn’t have to. Mark had picked up on her sexual craving, had responded and answered the call of woman to man. He knew what she wanted, and he would give it to her.

Once alone in the suite with Mark, anything could happen. Any sexually deviant behavior he favored could occur, and she’d be trapped in it with him. But wasn’t that part of the whole thing? The fantasy of being unable to put a stop to things, of being swept up into something forbidden, exciting and wild. Excitement mixed with a healthy dose of fear twitched and grew and made her pant.

Mark slid a finger over the elevator keypad and grinned into her eyes. “Okay?”

“I’m fine.” Fear mixed with anticipation was a heady blend–arousing and spicy.

“You’re more than fine, Faye. You’re a dream come true.” He let go of her arm and ran his hand down her back to cup her ass the way she’d envisioned earlier. Thrill trails followed his movements. “You’re perfect.”

“Really?” She bit her lip. She shouldn’t sound so ingenuous, so stupidly inexperienced. He’d be surprised enough by her behavior once they were alone.

The elevator doors opened, and they stepped inside the smoke-mirrored quiet. They turned as one to face the doors, bodies thrumming, heat rising, minds racing with images of what was to happen when the door closed, hiding them from public view. Mark frowned at a harried-looking bellman with a luggage cart.

The bellman nodded and stepped back. The last chance to change her mind disappeared as the doors slid shut, closing Faye in with this stranger. This Mark McLeod.

Perdition House - Author Photo

Bonnie Edwards, a Toronto native, lives with her husband and pets on the rainy coast of British Columbia. She’s a mom, auntie, sister, friend, like all women. She believes life should be lived fully and with joy. That joy shows up in her earthy, often irreverent love stories. Bonnie uses long hikes in the woods and nearby seaside to bounce ideas off her husband and her dancing, prancing Standard poodle. (who almost always agrees with her)

She has written novels, novellas and short stories for Carina Press, Harlequin, Kensington Books and Robinson (UK).
Sometimes her stories have a paranormal twist, likes curses and ghosts, other times not. But they’re always entertaining and guarantee a happy ending.

She loves to hear from readers through her contact page at http://www.bonnieedwards.com

When I first submitted my idea for this story, I sent my editor an email that asked: What would you think about a woman inheriting a haunted bordello, where the dead hookers visit her in dreams and tell their stories?

Four minutes later, she responded with: Great! Let’s make this a two book contract.

Gulp! I had no synopsis, no real handle on the characters…I’d just been playing what if?!

So, I did what any writer would do who wants a career. I jumped into Perdition House with both feet, both hands and all my heart. Once I got rolling on the dreams, things got carried away and I followed along with the hookers, basically writing down what they told me. At the end of about 85,000 words I realized none of them had had their happy endings. (Aside from safe haven with the madam and the other girls)

What’s a romance writer to do when there’s more story to tell? Start Part 2, of course. Which is what I did, right away.

Perdition House Part 2 answers questions raised in the first book…what happens to all these great heroines?

I never had a conscious plan to turn my idea into a saga…it’s just how these stories unfolded for me. So, they unfold for readers in the same way.

I know this is different. I know these books are long. I know I’d love to write more. I have unfinished business in that bordello…please do let me know if you agree.

Why the title change after the original books were titled Midnight Confessions?

I always wanted to call them Tales of Perdition House, but the same editor didn’t want the word perdition on the book. I told myself once she read it, she’d understand the title. I played with the word all through the books. When you read, you’ll see how. And, I have to say, that when readers asked about Midnight Confessions, they never EVER called it that.

They always wanted more stories set in Perdition House!

I hope you enjoy my Tales of Perdition saga and believe me, there are more tales to tell…

3 e-copies of Perdition House Part 1 An Erotic Saga
2 $15 Gift Cards to the online retailer of their choice

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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What Should I Look for In My Chef Coat?

Anyone who has worked as a chef or has worked around hot foods and liquids likely understands why wearing a chef coat is so important. It has been something that has been improving over hundreds of years to be what it is today. Not only are these new chef coats comfortable to wear for long periods of time, but they are also very functional and very durable. This is a big part of the whole uniform and is something that really signifies a chef.

One of the big functions of designer chef coats is obviously that it helps to protect the chef. Chefs are around hot liquids, hot foods, and fire whenever they are working and these are obviously dangerous to human skin or hair. However, the chef coat is going to be able to protect the chef's actual body and personal clothes from these potential dangers. Many chef coats today are going to be able to provide a thermal barrier protection as well to help chefs regulate their temperature if they are working in particularly hot kitchens.

An interesting fact about chefs jacket are that they are white, but chefs are always exposed to things that could potentially hurt the coat or would stain regular clothing. The reason that white was the color chosen for chef coats is that in the 1800s, it was decided that white was associated with cleanliness and professionalism. Obviously, people that are around food need to be considered clean or the people that eat or buy the food will no longer want it. This is why this association was made.

Chef coats today are very durable. They can withstand all of the things that go on in the chef kitchen, but also they can last a long time and go through many washes. It is a good idea to make sure that you get a coat that is actually durable and is made of the correct material. If not, it will not have the same emphasis as other authentic coats would. You can also learn more tips on where to find the best chef coat, just visit https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_coat.

Lastly, a chef coat has to be comfortable. Imagine having to wear a coat all day that is itchy, scratchy, too hot, and just generally uncomfortable. No one wants to have to deal with that and it is true that many of the chef coats that have all of the features we talked about in this article are comfortable and made of materials that are comfortable to wear. Be sure to look for those types of coats specifically.

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Balak: Prophet and Donkey

July 5, 2017 at 9:53 pm | Posted in Balak | 4 Comments
Tags: , , , , ,

Bilam appears to be a sorcerer who can bless and curse people, but he is actually a prophet who transmits God’s blessings and curses. Bilam’s donkey1 appears to be an ordinary domestic animal, but she actually knows more than Bilam.

At the beginning of this week’s Torah portion, Balak, King Balak of Moab is alarmed by the large Israelite camp on his border. He sends messengers to Bilam, whom he thinks is a professional sorcerer, with this request:

“Now come, please, curse for me this people, because they are too mighty for me. Then perhaps I will be able to strike them and drive them out from the land; for I know whoever you bless is blessed, and whoever you curse is cursed.” (Numbers/Bemidbar 22:6)

God has used Bilam as a prophet so often that Bilam believes he can count on God to speak to him during the night (presumably in a dream). So he tells Balak’s messengers:

“Remain here overnight, and I will bring back to you whatever God speaks to me.”  (Numbers 22:8)

That night, God tells Bilam:

“You shall not go with them.  You shall not curse the people, because it is blessed.” And Bilam got up in the morning and said to the officials of Balak: “Go back to your own country, because God refused to permit me to go with you.” (Numbers 22:12-13)

Bilam fails to mention that God has already blessed the Israelites. When the messengers report to their king, they fail to mention God at all; they simply say:

“Bilam refused to go with us.” (Numbers 22:14)

King Balak assumes Bilam refused only because he did not expect to get paid enough, so he sends a larger and higher-ranking group of officials. His second message promises Bilam:

I will honor you very impressively, and anything that you say to me I will do; just come, please, curse for me this people. (Numbers 22:17)

This time Bilam suggests the payment he would like: the king’s house full of silver and gold. In other words, he wants as much wealth and/or as much honor as a king. But he is at least honest enough to add that he cannot do anything that contradicts God’s command. Then he asks the messengers to stay overnight while he checks with God.

And God came to Bilam at night, and said to him: “If the men came to invite you, get up, go with them. But only the word that I speak to you, shall you do.” And Bilam got up in the morning and saddled his she-donkey and went with the officials of Moab. (Numbers 22:20-21)

Bilam’s silence in the morning is dishonest, since it gives Balak’s messengers the impression that the cursing will take place as requested.

And God vayichar af because he [Bilam] was going, and a messenger of God manifested itself on the road as an accuser for him. (Numbers 22:22)

vayichar (וַיִּחַר) = and he/it became glowing hot.

af (אַף) = nose, nostril.

vayichar af (וַיִּחַר אַף) = and his nose burned: an idiom meaning “and he became angry”.

God gives Bilam permission to go to Moab, but God is angry when he goes. Perhaps God disapproves of Bilam’s lying by omission, or of his greed for a payment he is unlikely to receive.2

Three times a messenger of God (i.e. an angel), manifests on the road to Moab. Who sees the divine apparition? Not Bilam, the prophet and would-be sorcerer; not his two human servants; but only his donkey. Bilam has only heard God’s voice at night, but his donkey sees God’s angel in broad daylight.

Each time Bilam’s donkey sees an angel with a drawn sword in the middle of the road, she refuses to go forward. The first time she runs off into a field, the second time the road lies between walls and she presses Bilam’s foot against the stones, and the third time the way is so narrow she lies down in the middle of the road. Each time Bilam beats his donkey, unable to see the reason for her behavior. The third time, the Torah describes the beating:

…and she lay down underneath Bilam, and Bilam vayichar af and he beat the she-donkey with the stick. (Numbers 22:27)

Then god opened the mouth of the she-donkey, and she said to Bilam: “What have I done to you that you beat me these three times?” And Bilam said to his she-donkey: “Because you made a fool of me!  If only there were a sword in my hand, I would kill you now!” (Numbers 20:28-29)

Bilam has been beating his donkey out of pride. With his servants and possibly King Balak’s officials watching him, he wants to look as if he is in control of his animal. In fact, his donkey is in control of where Bilam goes, and the donkey sees God’s messenger—with a sword in its hand, ready to kill Bilam!

by Rembrandt, 1626

And the she-donkey said to Bilam: “Am I not your she-donkey, upon whom you have ridden all your life until this day?  Have I really been in the habit of doing thus to you?” And he said: “No.” (Numbers 22:30)

The donkey says “all your life”, not “all my life”, even though the average life-span of a working donkey is 15 years in developing countries (a category that applies to all countries in biblical times). While Bilam’s age is not given in the story, he is a man who has developed a reputation, so he is too old to have been riding the same donkey his whole life.  The donkey’s words are a clue that the donkey is not just a talking animal; she also represents a part of Bilam.

Though he enjoys hearing God speak in the dark, Bilam is only a human being, and he cannot do anything without his animal: his body. Perhaps it is no coincidence that Bilam rides a she-donkey; in Biblical Hebrew, the word nefesh, which means both an individual body and the soul that animates the body, is feminine.

When Bilam answers his donkey with the word “No”, he both recognizes the truth and humbles himself before the animal he rides.

Then God uncovered the eyes of Bilam, and he saw the messenger of God standing in the road, and its drawn sword was in its hand.  Then he knelt down, and he bowed down le-apav.  (Numbers 22:31)

le-apav (לְאַפָּיו) = to his nostrils, to his nose. (A form of af.)

Bowing down to his nose is an idiom for making a full prostration, indicating his humility and submission before God’s messenger. But it also implies Bilam is surrendering his own “hot nose”, his own anger.

Then God speaks through the divine messenger and explains that the donkey saved Bilam’s life three times. If the donkey had not shied away from the angel, God would have killed Bilam—but spared the donkey.

After that humbling experience, Bilam becomes a better prophet. He is more direct and honest; as soon as he meets King Balak, he warns his employer that he can speak only the word God puts into his mouth. And now God speaks to Bilam in the daylight, and even gives him prophetic visions.

Of course all three times Bilam attempts to curse the Israelites, God makes praise and blessings come out of his mouth. And his employer, King Balak, is enraged.

Balak, vayichar af at Bilam …and Balak said to Bilam: “To curse my enemies I called you, and hey! You kept on blessing them, these three times!  So now run away to your own place! I said I would honor you impressively, but hey! God held you back from honor.”

King Balak dismisses Bilam rudely and without payment. But Bilam no longer seeks honor from other people. Now he knows that seeking wealth or fame blinds him to God’s message, and he is a prophet.  He responds to Balak only by pronouncing another prophecy—one that includes Israel defeating Moab. Then, unrewarded by either wealth or status,

Bilam got up and went and returned to his own place. (Numbers 24:25)

Personally, I resent being humbled by my donkey.  All too often I set off on what looks to me like a rewarding path, assuming I can do what I want—only to find that my body refuses to carry me. My chronic pain increases and my energy flags. If I try to whip my body into doing my will by drinking too much coffee, for example, my body starts lying down underneath me.

These days I find myself getting a “hot nose” less and less often, thank God. I am trying to pay attention to my own donkey. I am slowly giving up my desire for recognition and honor, knowing that I am still blessed with the ability to do my calling, as long as I listen to both my God and my donkey.

Who knows, if I learn enough humility, maybe someday my eyes will be uncovered and I’ll see a messenger of God in the road! But I’m not planning on it.  It’s enough to learn how to get along with this faithful donkey whom I’ve been riding all my life.

1  “Donkey” and “ass” are two words for the same species of equine animal. In Hebrew, a she-donkey, or jenny, is an aton (אָתוֹן).

2  According to Ramban (3th-century Rabbi Moses ben Nachman or Nachmanides), God was angry at Bilam for leaving without telling Balak’s messengers everything God had said, and for hoping that he might be able to curse Israel after all.

(An earlier version of this essay was published in June 2010.)

Haftarat Vayeishev—Amos: No Prophecy Allowed

December 21, 2016 at 11:16 pm | Posted in Amos, Jonah, Vayeishev | Leave a comment
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Every week of the year has its own Torah portion (a reading from the first five books of the Bible) and its own haftarah (an accompanying reading from the books of the prophets). This week’s Torah portion is Vayeishev (Genesis 37:1-40:23), and the haftarah is Amos 2:6-3:8.

The doom of other countries is easier to read about than the doom of your own. So the book of Amos opens with God’s proclamations against the kingdom of Israel’s neighbors Aram, Philistia, map-amos-ch-1-2Phoenicia, Edom, Ammon, Moab, and Judah. In each prophecy, Amos mentions a wicked deed the state committed, followed by the war-related punishment that God will bring down upon it.

I can imagine Amos’s audience in the kingdom of Israel nodding at the well-deserved punishments predicted for other countries, many of which their own king, Jereboam II, attacked in the mid-eighth century B.C.E. Then Amos’s introductory formula for the next prophecy names Israel. This week’s haftarah begins:

            Thus said God:

            Because of three revolts of Israel,

                        And because of four, I will not accept it:

            Because of selling the innocent for silver,

                        And the needy for the sake of a pair of sandals. (Amos 2:6)

The first revolt (or transgression) against God in Amos’s polemic against the Israelites is selling people into slavery merely out of greed. In the Bible parents are allowed to sell themselves or their children—but only to fellow Israelites, and only in order to pay off debts.1 Selling someone to an outsider, or for any reason other than debt, is unacceptable.

In this week’s Torah portion, Joseph’s brothers sell him as a slave for 20 pieces of silver, to a caravan bound for Egypt. Their only reason is that they hate him. Later they suffer for this bad deed.

The book of Amos goes on to list four other revolts against God by Israelites:

           Mauling the head of the powerless in the dust of the ground,

                      They stretch the path of the needy.

           A man and his father go to the [same] na-arah

                      For the sake of profaning My holy name.

           And on garments taken as security [for debts]

                      They stretch out beside every altar.

           And wine from fines they charged

                      They drink in the house of their god(s). (Amos 2:7-2:8)

na-arah (נַעֲרָה) = girl; a young woman old enough to marry who has not yet had a child; a female slave or servant.

Drinking in Ancient Greece

Drinking in Ancient Greece

The Israelites who revolt against God are the ones who victimize the innocent, the needy, the powerless, servants, and debtors. They disregard God’s instructions about the poor in order to accumulate silver and live in selfish luxury, indulging in dubious sex and lolling about drinking beside religious altars.  (Either they are worshiping an alien god, as Amos discovers in Bethel, or they are using a shrine built for making libations and animal sacrifices to God as if it were a private drinking hall.)

The wealthier Israelites ignore God despite everything God has done for them: bringing them up from Egypt (where the Israelites were the slaves), guiding them through the wilderness, and destroying their Amorite (i.e. Canaanite) enemies. Furthermore,

I raised up some of your children for neviyim,

                        And some of your youths for nezirim.

            Is this also nothing, children of Israel?

                       —declares God.

neviyim (נְבִיאִים) = prophets (singular= navi, נָבִיא). From the root verb niba (נִבָּא) = behave like a prophet, either by having ecstatic experiences of the divine, or by serving as a mouthpiece and translator for God.

nezirim (נְזִרִים) = nazirites; men and women who dedicate themselves to a period of sanctity during which they abstain from grooming their hair and from drinking wine and other alcohol. (See my post Haftarat Naso—Judges: Restraining the Abstainer.)

The neviyim transmit God’s messages to the people. The nezirim set an example of inner strength, even in their youth, by holding themselves to a different standard for the sake of sanctity. God’s rhetorical question—Is this also nothing?—is designed to make the listeners agree that neviyim and nezirim are assets to the community.

drunk-womanBut the Israelites have rejected these human assets, making the nezirim break their vows and forbidding the neviyim to speak for God.

           But you made the nezirim drink wine,

           And you ordered the neviyim, saying: Lo tinavu!  (Amos 2:11-12)

Lo tinavu (לֹא תִּנָּבְאוּ) = You shall not prophesy!  Lo (לֹאּ) = not; tinavu is a form of the verb niba (נִבָּא).

Naturally the immoral, disobedient Israelites do not want anyone reminding them of their own wickedness.

Since the Israelites have rejected God’s gifts, God threatens to make Israel’s army unnaturally slow and weak. The obvious, though unstated, conclusion is that if an enemy army (such as the Assyrians) attacks, the kingdom will be unable to defend itself.

Amos continues God’s prophecy with a list of rhetorical questions, including:

            If misfortune happens in a town,

                        Did not God make it? (Amos 3:6)

This expresses the common Biblical belief that God controls everything that happens to human beings. Individuals are responsible for their own behavior, but nothing else; when bad things happen to them it is always a punishment from God for misbehaving. (The Hebrew Bible questions this ancient belief only in the book of Job.) Biblical writers applied a similar principle to collective behavior: if a whole country is vanquished, the reason is not that the enemy has superior military might, technology, or strategy, but rather that God is using the enemy’s army to punish people who have done wrong.

The Call of Amos, Petrus Comestor Bible Historiale, 1372

The Call of Amos,
Petrus Comestor Bible Historiale, 1372

By sending a prophet, God gives a country a chance to reform and avoid the divine punishment. In the book of Jonah, once the reluctant prophet finally prophesies in Nineveh, the people repent and the city is saved—even though Nineveh is the capital of the evil Neo-Assyrian Empire. Amos pauses in his list of rhetorical questions to remind his audience:

            Indeed, my lord God does not do a thing

            Unless He has revealed His confidential plan to His servants, the neviyim. (Amos 3:7)

Then Amos finishes his list:

            A lion has roared;

                        Who will not be afraid?

            My lord God has spoken;

                        Who will not prophesy? (Amos 3:8)

God’s voice is as frightening as a lion’s roar. When God speaks to the prophet, he cannot help but obey God by transmitting the message. Amos may be implying that God’s word, spoken by a true prophet, should be just as frightening. Then the Israelites could not help but repent and reform.

Yet the wealthy and powerful of Israel are so resistant to change that they order the neviyim to keep their mouths shut and go away.2 They would rather continue doing wrong and stay in denial than admit their wrongdoing and change their ways in time to avoid the conquest and destruction of their country.

Today, when we face the degradation of the whole world due to climate change, including a high toll on human life, few people consider it a punishment from God.  Why blame an anthropomorphic deity, when it is so easy so see how human actions are causing our collective suffering?

Nevertheless, it is hard to change our actions. Many people today offer information about what is happening, and call for reducing air pollution and preparing for rising waters. Some individuals are responding by using less gasoline to travel—and no doubt when Amos prophesied, a few individuals responded by treating the poor and their own families with more justice, and their religion with more respect.

Yet when a whole kingdom, or the whole world, is threatened, the disaster can only be avoided or ameliorated by commitment and action on the part of the leaders at the top. In the book of Jonah, Nineveh would not have repented if its king had not put on sackcloth and issued his decree. In the book of Amos, King Jereboam II never reforms, and neither do his people. By 720 B.C.E. the Assyrian army had captured Israel and its capital, Samaria.

May a divine spirit open all of our ears and hearts today, and may all the leaders and influential people of the world become more like the repentant king of Nineveh than like the leaders of Israel in the time of Amos.

1See my post  Haftarat Vayeira—2 Kings: Dance of Pride. Even when someone acquired a slave as a payment of debt, the debtor’s kinsman was obligated to buy back his relative as soon as he could afford it, and after six years a master had to liberate an Israelite slave even without financial recompense.  In fact, the Torah says: And when you send him out emancipated from you, do not send him out with nothing. You must certainly provide him [with goods] from your flock or from your threshing-floor or from your wine-vat, which are blessings that God has given you. (Deuteronomy/Devarim 15:13-14)

2 An example is given later in the book: Amatzyah, the priest of Bethel, sent to Jereboam, the king of Israel, saying: Amos conspires against you in the midst of the house of Israel. The land cannot endure everything he speaks! (Amos 7:10) … And Amatzyah said to Amos: Seer, go with your spirit to the land of Judah, and eat your bread there, and prophesy there! But do not ever prophesy again at Bethel, because it is a sanctuary for the king and a royal palace. (Amos 7:12-13)

Haftarat Ki Tissa—1 Kings: Ecstatic versus Rational Prophets

February 24, 2016 at 10:21 pm | Posted in Ki Tissa, Kings 1 | 1 Comment
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Every week of the year has its own Torah portion (a reading from the first five books of the Bible) and its own haftarah (an accompanying reading from the books of the prophets). This week the Torah portion is Ki Tissa (Exodus 30:11-34:31), and the haftarah is 1 Kings 18:1-39.

And Elijah said to the people: I am the only navi left for God, and the neviyim of the Baal are 450 men. (1 Kings 18:22)

navi (נָבִיא) = prophet. (From the root verb niba (נבּא) = raved; conveyed the word of God.)

neviyim (נְבִיאִִים) = plural of navi.

The Hebrew Bible uses the word navi for two kinds of people: those who go into an altered state in order to experience God, and those who hear God whether they want to or not.

Moses by Ivan Kramskoy, 1861

Moses by Ivan Kramskoy, 1861

In the book of Exodus/Shemot, Moses is the prophet who hears God directly, whenever God wants to speak to him. When God first speaks to him at the burning bush, Moses tries to turn down God’s mission, but later he gets used to passing on God’s words to Pharaoh and the Israelites. God also uses Moses to signal miracles, both by words and by raising his staff or his hand.  He is a full-service prophet, but he never goes into a prophetic ecstasy.

The book of Numbers/Bemidbar gives us an example of a non-Israelite prophet who does not rave in ecstasy, but hears and must obey God’s commands. First Bilam hears God’s words in dreams, but by the end of his story God is channeling poetic prophecies to him directly. (See my post Balak: Three Places to Be Blessed.)

There are also bands of Israelite prophets who go into an altered state and speak in ecstasy, but do not hear or convey God’s commands. In one episode in the first book of Samuel, King Saul sends messengers to seize David, whom the prophet Samuel has anointed behind Saul’s back.

And they saw a group of the neviyim nibim, and Samuel standing stationed over them. And the spirit of God came over the messengers of Saul, vayitnabu, even they. And they told Saul, and he sent other messengers, vayitnabu, even they. Then Saul sent a third group of messengers, vayitnabu, even they. (1 Samuel 19:20-21)

nibim (נִבְּאִים) = speaking in ecstasy; raving.

vayitnabu (וַיִּתְנַבְּאוּ) = and they spoke in prophetic ecstasy; and they raved as if insane.

Next Saul goes himself in search of David.

And he walked there, to Nayot in Ramah, and the spirit of God came over him, even him, and he continued walking, vayitnabei until he entered Nayot in Ramah. Then he stripped off his clothes, even he, vayitnabei, even he, in front of Samuel, and he fell naked… (1 Samuel 19:23-24)

vayitnabei (וַיִּתְנַבֵּא) = and he spoke in prophetic ecstasy; and he raved.

The two kinds of neviyim could be easily distinguished; one kind quietly listens to God’s words and then speaks and acts like a rational person, while the other kind is overcome by God’s spirit and speaks and acts like a madman.

In this week’s haftarah Elijah is a navi in the tradition of Moses: he hears God while he is in his normal consciousness, he tells God’s words to other people, and he serves as a conduit for God’s miracles. He also thinks up a plan to achieve God’s ends.

The 450 prophets of Baal, on the other hand, are neviyim who induce an altered state of prophetic ecstasy in themselves.

Bronze figure of Baal holding thunder and lightning

Bronze figure of Baal holding thunder and lightning

At this time, the northern kingdom of Israel is ruled by King Ahab, who welcomes the worship of the Canaanite gods Asherah (a mother goddess) and Baal (a god of weather, especially lightning and rain). Ahab’s wife Jezebel, daughter of the king of Sidon, supports hundreds of prophets who serve these two gods, but wants to exterminate all the prophets of the God of Israel.

Since Israel under King Ahab views Baal as the god in charge of weather, Elijah warns Ahab that it will not rain again until he, the servant of God, says so. Then Elijah flees and hides east of the Jordan while Israel suffers three years of drought.

This week’s haftarah begins:

And it was much later, and the word of God happened to Elijah in the third year, saying: Go, appear to Ahab; then I will send rain over the face of the earth. (1 Kings 18:1)

When Elijah confronts King Ahab again, he requests a contest.

Now send, gather all Israel to me at Mount Carmel, and the 450 neviyim of the Baal and the 400 neviyim of the Asherah who eat at the table of Jezebel. (1 Kings 18:19)

Instead of killing Elijah on the spot, the king arranges a contest between God and Baal. (The neviyim of the goddess Asherah drop out of the story at this point.) Ahab probably expects Elijah and the God of Israel to lose. After all, God will have only one prophet, Elijah; Baal will have 450. On Mount Carmel God’s altar is in ruins; Baal’s altar is in good repair. The winning side will be the one whose god who answers with fire; lightning is one of Baal’s specialties.

Once everyone has gathered at Mount Carmel, Elijah says:

How long will you keep hopping back and forth between two crutches? If God is the god, follow Him; but if it is the Baal, follow him!  And the people did not answer a word. (1 Kings 18:21)fire

So the contest begins.  Each side gets its altar, a bull to butcher, and a stack of wood. When each sacrifice is prepared, the prophets will call on their gods.  The Israelites agree that the god who answers by setting the wood on fire will be their god henceforth.

Elijah lets the neviyim of Baal go first.

…and they called in the name of the Baal, saying: Answer us! But there was no voice and there was no answer. Then they hopped around on the altar that was prepared. And at noon Elijah mocked them, and said:  Call in a louder voice! After all, he is a god. Maybe he is chatting, or maybe he is preoccupied, or maybe he is on the road. Maybe he is sleeping, and he will wake up.

And they called in a louder voice, and they cut themselves with daggers and with lances, as is their custom, and blood poured out over them. And noon passed, vayitnabu, until the time of the afternoon offering, but no one answered and no one paid attention. (1 Kings 18:26-29)

The neviyim of Baal did everything they could to work themselves into a prophetic ecstasy, but their speech sounded like insane raving—especially in light of Elijah’s mockery and the lack of response from Baal.

Then Elijah repaired the altar for the God of Israel, laid out his bull offering on the wood, and had twelve jugs of water poured over it, so everyone would see that no ordinary fire could burn there. Then he said:

Elijah and Ahab at Mt. Carmel, Zurich Bible

Elijah and Ahab at Mt. Carmel, Zurich Bible

God, god of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, today may it be known that You are elohim in Israel and I am Your servant, and at Your word I did all these things. Answer me, God, answer me, and this people will know that You, God, are the god… And the fire of God fell, and it ate up the rising-offering and the wood and the stones and the dirt, and it licked up the water in the trench. And all the people saw, and they fell on their faces and said: God, He is the elohim! God, He is the elohim! (1 Kings 18:36-39)

Later that day, it finally rains.

And the winner is … not only the God of Israel, but also his rational navi.

Does this mean the bible prefers non-ecstatic prophets?  Not quite. The bands of raving Israelite neviyim are not criticized in either the book of Numbers or the first book of Samuel. There is nothing wrong with entering an altered state in order to experience God’s presence.

But experiencing God’s presence is different from hearing God’s words. A navi like Moses or Elijah hears God whether he wants to or not, and must keep his head in order to act on God’s words, whether he is passing on divine information, signaling a miracle, or, in this week’s haftarah, elaborating on a hint from God (Go, appear to Ahab; then I will send rain over the face of the earth) in order to make the right things happen.

May all of us who engage in religion remember that experiencing God in an altered state, or even in an especially good worship service, is not the same as serving God. To truly serve God, we must listen for the divine word or inspiration during our everyday lives, and think carefully before we act.

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text:
Find the nest 3

This is the strangest nest placement I have seen from my juncos so far. The setting is a meadow with scattered corn lilies, an area favored by the cattle that sometimes graze in my field sites. The holes you see in the dirt are footprints left by cow hooves in the soft ground.

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5 thoughts on “Find the nest 3

    • “Creative” is exactly the right word – as in, “How… creative of you!” or “Well, that’s… creative.” Creative in its secondary meaning of, “Not the way I would have thought to do it, because it seems like a pretty bad idea.”

      To give the juncos credit, though, this nest was not found by any predators, so their creativity worked!

  1. What is the trade-off between nesting on the ground vs. nesting in a tree or on a cliff, and why is the best choice different for different species? I would have thought that nests in high places are safer from predators, but maybe they are just easier to find if your predators can climb or fly.

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text:
PM Valls bids for French presidency under Socialist banner

AP News
Posted: Dec 05, 2016 2:28 PM
PM Valls bids for French presidency under Socialist banner

PARIS (AP) — French Prime Minister Manuel Valls announced his candidacy Monday for next year's presidential election, saying he will step down immediately from his current job to focus on his bid.

Valls hopes to unite the Socialists under his banner and give the left a chance to stay at the Elysee Palace — the most ambitious challenge of his political life after his boss, the highly unpopular President Francois Hollande, decided not to run for a second term last week.

Valls will face other contenders in the Socialist primary next month ahead of France's two-part presidential election in April and May.

"I want to give everything for France," the 54-year-old said in a speech in the Paris suburb of Evry, adding he would quit his job Tuesday.

Valls portrayed himself as a "lucid" politician, experienced enough to face authoritarian leaders in China, Russia, Turkey and "the America of Donald Trump."

"I want an independent France," he insisted.

Valls said he wants to defeat the far-right, led by National Front leader Marine Le Pen, and the conservative candidate Francois Fillon — both of whom have already been chosen to represent their parties.

A center-leaning Socialist who backs a tough line on security and immigration, Valls is somewhat more popular than his boss, but their party is in deep disarray over the government's handling of the economy.

As Hollande's prime minister since 2014, Valls has promoted pro-business policies and implemented plans to cut over 40 million euros in government spending and to cut taxes. This strategy has prompted rebellion from some Socialists who think he is not left-leaning enough.

Former Economy Minister Arnaud Montebourg and former Education Minister Benoit Hamon, among those Socialist rebels, have both announced their candidacies for the primary, alongside other lower-profile candidates.

Valls backed pro-European policies and pushed for reforms loosening France's labor rules — the latter move prompting violent protests for months. He was forced to use a special power to pass the laws without a vote at parliament, an act that reinforced criticism from the left.

At critical times, Valls has overcome divisions, embodying France's national unity in a speech at parliament following deadly attacks in January 2015 by Islamic extremists at the satiric magazine Charlie Hebdo and a kosher supermarket in Paris.

"France is at war with terrorism, jihadism and radical Islamism. France is not at war with a religion. France is not at war with Islam and Muslims," he said, prompting unanimous applause.

Still, his nervous, authoritarian style has drawn comparisons with former conservative French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Like Sarkozy, Valls is known for his frank, sometimes shocking words — and he cherishes an image of "top cop" inherited from his time as Interior Minister from 2012 to 2014.

Valls at the time promoted policies to "assimilate" immigrants with the French population and favor their naturalization under strict rules. He expelled Roma residents from the country, saying their lifestyle is "in confrontation" with that of the French and they should return to Romania or Bulgaria.

As a prime minister, he denounced a "territorial, social, ethnic apartheid" that affects France's troubled housing projects — admittedly a powerful term aimed at shaking up public opinion in favor of more inclusion.

Last summer, Valls supported local bans on burkinis on French beaches. He wrote on his Facebook page that denouncing the swimsuit, worn by a small minority of Muslim women, "in no way puts into question individual freedom" and is really about denouncing "fatal, retrograde Islamism."

Valls was born in Barcelona in 1962 and became naturalized as French 20 years later. He has four children from a first marriage that ended in divorce, and since 2010 has been married to his second wife, the violinist Anne Gravoin.

His first bid for the presidency failed in 2011, when he got less than six percent of the votes at the Socialist primary. He then joined Hollande's successful presidential campaign in 2012.


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Sport for Social Change Consultant, Connie Henry (Wikipedia), became an athlete at the age of 15 when she walked onto the track at Willesden Sports Centre. Eleven years later in 1998, she was standing on the rostrum at a major Championships in Athletics, the Commonwealth Games.

Subsequently, no longer an athlete, Connie was commentating on the 2005 World Athletics Championships Live on IAAF Radio.

Fast forward another six years and Connie was launching Track Academy, her very own Sport for Social Change Charity, alongside prominent names in international sport - designed to provide a unique blend of Sport, Education and Mentoring opportunities to disadvantaged youth in London.

Connie says, "At Track Academy, we help young minds believe they are more than the circumstances into which they are born. Our core aim is to create positive leaders of tomorrow, academic achievers and if we happen to create an Olympian along the way, that would be a positive by-product of our efforts".

Connie Henry has several mantras by which she lives:

  • It’s not about the destination, it’s about what you learn on the way and what you do with that information
  • You have to believe you are more than the circumstances that you are born into
  • Surround yourself with people who know more than you do
  • Hard does not necessarily mean bad
  • What you want to do isn’t always the thing you should be doing; but the thing you should be doing normally gets you what you want

The whole of Connie’s life journey and the quotes above have been poured into Track Academy to create a system capable of creating extraordinary young people – young people who will become social leaders, extraordinary mentors and responsible individuals and maybe, just maybe, Track Academy will be able to create an Olympian or two, though that is simply not the overriding concern of all involved.

I would like to thank you in advance for supporting our work at Track Academy. With your continued financial support, we are able to positively impact the lives of hundreds of children from disadvantaged backgrounds in London, introduce them to opportunities that help make them better citizens and help them aspire to higher academic and social standards. We look forward to your continued financial support. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,

Sport for Social Change Consultant

Founder and Executive Director
Track Academy

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