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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Truly Scary Halloween Costumes

I have concluded that Halloween stores offer only two options for women's costumes:
1. Look like a horror movie character.
2. Look like a slut.

Is it just me or is it difficult to find a Halloween costume that is appropriate? As I've gotten older, it seems that a lot of girls have used Halloween as an opportunity to dress iffy. When did that start? I don't remember that phenomena when I was a teenager. Maybe I was too busy trick-or-treating to notice the change. Either way, it is alarming.

I like dressing up because it's a fun thing to do with the kids. However, when I started researching what was available, I found that my options were incredibly limited. I couldn't imagine walking around my church's harvest festival dressed as some slutty version of Snow White! Where's the happy medium? If anyone has a resource for tasteful, cute costumes, please chime in.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Oh So Sorry...

Ok, I haven't posted in a long time. I could give you a laundry list of legitimate excuses but I won't bore you with those.  Needless to say, I am crazy busy.  I will be posting again (one day), just stand by. Also, I have a bad case of writer's block. If anyone has any good ideas for a blog entry (emphasis on the word "good"), please throw them my way.

In the meantime, enjoy the picture below. Bel Air gets it, why can't the rest of the world?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Asian Moms Know Best

It was your average Saturday night. As part of Bryce’s prep for bed, he took a bath and I sat in the bathroom to keep him company (all very typical). The calm before the storm, some would say. Suddenly out of left field, Bryce hit me with:

Bryce- Mom, what is sex?
Me- Uhhh...
Bryce- I know that there are two types of sex. One is where you are either male or female. The other is the love between a Mommy and Daddy, right?
Me- Yes, that’s right. Who told you this? (Remind me to thank them with a muffin gift basket later)

Time out!!! Let’s get a few things straight- I wasn’t expecting this conversation for another year or two. In addition, I did not envision myself being the one delivering “the talk”. Okay, back to the dialogue.

Me- Well, yes.
Bryce- Do you and Daddy have sex?

Holy crap, he went for the jugular on this one. Not only was I being asked to define sex, I had to explain my personal involvement. Red Alert! SOS! Gosh, anything, just help me! I was at a crossroads. I could tell my son the truth, make up a happy lie, or change the subject. I quickly weighed my options and proceeded.

Me- Uhhh... Are you excited about having pasta salad for dinner tomorrow?
Bryce- Do you and Daddy have sex?
Me- Um, yeah. But aren’t you excited about Momma making pasta salad?
Bryce- Oh yes! I can’t wait. (Then he starts talking about his love for pasta salad)

Yeah, that’s right- I changed the subject. Don’t judge me; I did what any good Asian mother would do. If I have learned nothing from my culture, it’s that if you don’t know what to say, then say something vague so it redirects the conversation. What would you have done?

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Back to school

Let me first start with apologizing for not blogging in a while. It's been busy. Ok, here we go.

It's that time of the year! It's back to school time! And with it comes a lot of back to school shopping. I love this part about school, always have. Oh the thrill of new pens, binders and alas... a new backpack. You can always tell the moms who are on a school supply mission. They look confused as they try to decipher the difference between wide ruled and college ruled paper or find a box of 48 count crayons in sea of 24 count boxes. Tightly clinching to a crumpled list of endless items, back to school moms continue to wander the store until they cross of every item off their list. While shopping, I made a couple observations:

1. Why do glue sticks come in packs of 2, when we are only required to have one? Every year, I have to buy one too many. I always say that I'm going to save the glue stick for the next school year, but I never do.
2. What is so special about Ticonderoga pencils? Teachers always specify that they want that brand, but it's always sold out.
3. A box of kleenex was on the list. If every kid has to bring a box, that's like 25 boxes! I didn't realized kids went through that stuff so quickly. What happened to just wiping your nose on your sleeve?

To all my moms who have kids going back to school, I wish I could give you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils (Ticonderoga brand, of course).

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Kiss the Cook

When I was working, I didn’t realize that my cooking repertoire offered very little variety. The three dishes that I knew how to make well were pasta with marinara sauce, tacos and grilled chicken with rice. They each took roughly 45 minutes to make and the ingredients were constantly available in my cupboards. It was an easy answer for a mom on the go. Now that I am a SAHM, I assumed that serving these three dishes only would get very old with my family. As a result, I quickly researched new recipes.

My cousin (a fellow SAHM) shared a clever idea for obtaining recipes. She goes to the library and checks out cookbooks and makes copies of the recipes that are keepers. The key is to look for books that highlight cooking on a budget for large families. The Something Extra app and Big Oven app on my iPhone are my new BFFs. Without them, I would probably be serving my family canned corn and oatmeal on the nights that I wasn’t making my standby recipes. As a result, I have made all kinds of wonderful things that I would never considered making in the past like pot roast (below is an incredible recipe). While I am still learning, I am thoroughly enjoying the journey to culinary prowess.

Hearty Pot Roast with Vegetables
1 large boneless chuck roast
1/2 cup flour
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
2 stalks celery, sliced
2 small yellow squash, halved and sliced
1 large onion, peeled and cut into 8 wedges
1 cup peeled baby carrots
1/4 cup fine dry bread crumbs
1 cup beef broth
1/4 cup red wine
1 tsp. rosemary
1/2 tsp. herbes de Provence or Italian herb seasoning
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 cup cold water

Preheat oven to 350ºF. Dredge meat well with flour and brown in hot oil on all sides; reserve
excess flour. Place meat in a large Dutch oven with vegetables. Sprinkle with bread crumbs. Pour broth and wine over all. Add seasonings. Cover and bake for 3 hours or until meat is tender. Remove meat and vegetables from pan and place pan over burner on low heat. Add water to remaining flour and stir until smooth. Slowly add to hot drippings, adding just enough to thicken, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and serve with meat and vegetables.

Makes 6 servings.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

When in San Francisco, check out Zeum. It is an interactive children's museum that allows kids to combine both technology and art. My favorite activity was creating a clay-mation cartoon. Other activities include using photoshop to modify your picture, making a movie, karaoke, and drawing with lights.

Located in the Yerba Buena Gardens, Zeum is only steps away from an amazing playground (with one of the steepest slides ever), bowling alley, ice skating rink, and carrousel. There are plenty of options for the entire family.

We went on a special day when admission and carrousel rides were free. It was great to look around and get the flavor of the place without spending any money. Typically expect to spend at least $50 when you figure in parking, admission, snacks, etc. Don't let the price tag scare you off. Take the trip out to Zeum and create lasting memories for both you and your kids.

221 Fourth Street (@ Howard Street)
San Francisco, CA 94103

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Hot Fun in the Summertime

This summer, we bought season passes to the Folsom Aquatic Center. What better way to beat the summer heat and get out of the house? We love our visits there. Gavin walks around the water and plays in the fountains. Bryce rides the big water slides and jumps off the diving board. I love to watch people.

The majority of the pool goers are normal families. Yet there are some who make people watching enjoyable like Speedo guy, junior highers looking for love, and over-tanned moms. Speedo Guy, if you are reading this blog, please wear trunks. This isn't Europe. Junior high love connection, if you have somehow stumbled across this blog, calm down. You're too young to find Mr. Right at the public pool. Overtanned moms, if you are reading this blog (while tanning), escape to the shade and quickly apply some SPF 90! A healthy, bronze glow is one thing, but leathery skin is quite another. If you insist upon looking unnaturally dark, get a spray tan.

Gotta love the summertime!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Get Right Out of Town

As a stay at home mom, I enjoy any and every opportunity to get out of the house.  I took a mini day trip to Sutter Creek and had a delightful experience. Only 35 minutes from Folsom, this is the ideal place if you want to leave town without traveling too far away. This historic Gold Rush era town is loaded with great little shops, sights, and small town charm.  There are a couple places that stood out to me:

Tomorrow's Heirlooms- 49 Main Street Sutter Creek, Ca 95685
This adorable boutique carries clothing for women and babies and home accessories. I was enthralled with the attention to detail in display and girly vintage vibe. My favorite items were the Charlotte cardigans, colorful aprons, and vintage glittery signs. I had to tear myself away or else I could've stayed in there for hours.  Trust me, this store is worth driving out of town for.

Andrae's Bakery- 14141 Historic Highway 49 Amador City, Ca 95601
Located in Amador City, Ca (the next town over from Sutter Creek), this place further enforces that you cannot judge a book by its cover. On the outside, it looks like a country house. However, step inside and it's like walking into a mini David Berkeley's. The pastries are amazing; I recommend the pistachio chocolate chewies and vanilla short bread. They offer various olive oils, high end chocolates, and an impressive array of different sea salts (pink, grey, Hawaiian, take your pick).

Don't hesitate to take a quick and scenic drive out to Amador City and Sutter Creek.  You won't be dissapointed.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Battle of the Uninvited Bedfellow

I am in a battle; a knock down, drag out battle. The casualties are many. The opposition cannot be underestimated. Yes, I have been engaged in hand to hand combat with my almost two year old, Gavin. He has mastered the art of getting out of his crib. As a result, he visits us in the middle of the night. One night, he came into our room 8 times! Oh yeah, and the crying; I can't tell you how pleasant that is. We have tasted victory when Gavin stayed in his bed all night. However, we have also experienced defeat when we woke up and found him nestled in between us. He's a sneaky lil stinker.

I've looked for solutions online. The worst advice I read was that a family put a huge mattress in the baby's room and slept on that so that the baby would stay in his bed. Hmmmmm....I'm going to pass on that precious gem of advice. The best suggestion I've read was to stay consistent and patient. Every time he comes in our room, we quickly bring him back to his bed. Yet after three weeks of not getting a full night's sleep, my patience is wearing thin.

Somebody, anybody, everybody help! I am reaching out for good suggestions to win this war.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Perfect Baby Name

A couple weeks ago, Ryan thought it would be fun to go to Borders and look at baby name books for ideas. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not pregnant. It was just for giggles. The names we found were more horrible than promising. Below is a list of the top ten worst baby names:

1. Dianca- Here is an example of taking a perfectly normal name like Diana and with one letter, screwing the whole thing up.
2. Kanessa- Vanessa, yes; Kanessa, no!
3. Erastus- This name is difficult to both say and hear.
4. Phosphorus- At what point did we start looking to the Periodic Table for baby names?
5. Clanidia- "Um hi, my name is Clanidia and this is my best friend, Gonnorhita."
6. Alfe- My my, how quickly we have forgotten about that 80's alien comedy.
7. Burr- That is not a name; it is a verbal response to coldness!
8. Foxania- Test your potential baby name by inserting it into the following sentences and see which is a better fit. 1. "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States ." 2. "And now on the main stage, Showgirls Strip Club is proud to present ."
9. Tender- Imagine your whole life introducing yourself as, "Hello, I'm Tender!"
10. Ishtar- Enough said.

If your name is on the list, my apologies. I did not mean to offend you. However, I would look into changing it if I were you.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Skinny Jeans

There comes a point, in every child's life, when mom stops making the decisions on what they wear. This journey has begun for me. For weeks, Bryce begged for a pair of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans? That's so emo! I had vetoed the idea until I overheard him saying to his cousin that he's the only kid in school without them. I remember being that girl who was about a step (and then some) behind everyone in fashion. While the everyone in my grade was wearing Air Jordans and pegging their pants, I wore knockoff Keds with my Lee Jeans (oh yeah, don't forget the neon laces...nice). What Bryce said bothered me enough that I realized that I did not want him to walk through those same insecurities.

I took him shopping and we found the perfect pair. They were his reward for making straight A's (again). While some boys wear new suits for Easter Sunday, my boy wore his skinny jeans with a tie and high tops. Bryce looked so handsome. It was like gazing upon the long lost Asian member of the Jonas Brothers.

This is just the beginning of letting go and allowing the kids to make their own decisions. Today it's skinny jeans, tomorrow it will be which college to attend or which girl to marry. Whether I like it or not, my boys are growing up. We raise our kids to think for themselves so that they can step into who they are supposed to be. It is great in theory, but bittersweet in action.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Loud Fish Bag

The fashion of a SAHM is...complicated. Even though most of us give an honest effort to look presentable to the world, sometimes we fall short. Below is an example of what I like to call, “When bad fashion happens to a good SAHM”.

I present to you, “The Loud Fish Bag”. Perfect for holding Capri Suns, toys to occupy kids at a restaurant, and a large bottle of hand sanitizer, this bag is hot for Summer 2010. The drawstring allows for easy access to your prized belongings. This bag is also versatile and can go from day to night. A SAHM could wear this stunning accessory to the PTA meetings at school then hit the town for a night out with the girls. Nothing says cocktail party chic like a “Loud Fish Bag”. My only question is, "Does it come with a coordinating whale wallet?"

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm Not A Real Doctor, I Just Play One On TV

Greetings, I am Dr. Mom, the boo-boo kisser. Instead of diagnosing problems with science, I use good old common sense. My apothecary consists of hugs and kisses, not medicine. If that is not enough to satisfy the patient, I prescribe a round of tickles and 30 cc’s of milk.

Like a doctor, the work of a mom is never finished. Once a patient is treated, another one comes forward in need of help. New ailments roll in everyday, and as Dr. Mom, I have to find a way to treat it.

The relationship between a doctor and patient is similar to a parent and child. Both need each other. A mom needs someone to nurture, instruct, and love. A child yearns to be cared for, disciplined, and poured into. This cycle of give and take provides life and security to both parties.

The doctor and patient relationship also draws the same parallels in our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes, our doctor gives us advice that we don’t want to hear or disciplines us when we make health choices that could be detrimental. As a patient, we can either ignore or take heed of his/her advice. In Proverbs 4: 20-22, God (the Great Physician) says to us, “My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body".  I can only provide a temporary relief if my child is hurting.  However, true health and vitality is found in Him alone.

God speaks to us and offers advice for our own good.  Isn’t it time that we started listening?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Basking in the Afterglow of Mother's Day

The other day, I jokingly mentioned that Mother’s Day should actually be Mother’s Weekend because one day is not long enough to celebrate everything that moms do. Little did I know, I was going to get what I wished for.

Friday night, I joined my mom and her friends for Mother/Daughter Dessert night at our church. The highlight of the night was when my mom and I wore matching necklaces. That will become a new tradition. It was a perfect kick start to my stellar weekend.

My brother surprised the ladies in our family, on Saturday, to one hour massages. The therapist utilized a lot of Thai techniques and by the end, I felt like Gumby. My mom described it as a, “gentle wrestling match”. There was one point when she was actually judo chopping the back of my head! It was different and wonderful.

On Sunday, I woke up to Bryce serving me blueberry pancakes in bed! Ryan had no idea that he was doing this; he just made his own plan to surprise me. Then Bryce took me outside for one of the most creative expressions of love that I have ever received. Ryan and Bryce wrote on our walkway and driveway wonderful little notes to me in sidewalk chalk. I was so overwhelmed with love. Later, we drove to Walnut Creek for an early dinner at my favorite restaurant, Tomatina (their garlic rolls and blood orange Italian sodas are the work of the Lord). On our way home, we made a pit stop for ice cream at Fenton’s in Vacaville. The evening ended with all four of us in our bed watching home videos on my Iphone. We laughed, we hugged, and I felt cherished and loved..

It’s good to be a mom.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Mom's Handbag

In honor of Mother’s Day, I have written a poem...this is me being deep.

"Mom’s Handbag"
by me

You wonder why my purse is not small,
Do I really need all the stuff that I haul?
If you take a look inside you’ll see,
All of the things I need to be me.

A 20 foot hose to put out fires,
Elbow grease to change flat tires,
A mixing bowl to prepare yummy meals,
A watchful eye to find good deals,
A wooden spoon to spank little buns,
And loving arms to comfort my sons,
A listening ear for all of life’s issues,
A Ziploc bag to hold dirty tissues,
Stories for kiddos who can’t fall sleep,
A Shutterfly book for memories to keep,
A comb and product to fix everyone’s hair,
And patience when lecturing little blank stares,
Constant reminders for kids to say, “please”,
Bactine and Band aids to treat scraped up knees,
A Bible to spend time with the Master,
A cell phone for pizza when dinner’s a disaster,
A night light to ward off a fear of the dark,
And bleach for grass stains and permanent pen marks,
A whistle to break up sibling fights,
And concealer to cover up sleepless nights,
Big and small, I have it all, right here in my handbag.

Happy Mama's Day!!!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

God has called my son to be Superman...

Below is yet another funny conversation between me and my eight year old son, Bryce.

Bryce: Hey Mom, I don’t want to freak you out, but something weird just happened.
Mom: What is it?
Bryce: (takes a deep breath) Okay, so I picked up the toothpaste to put it on my toothbrush, put it down and, then just stared at it for two minutes. Then I picked it up again and the toothpaste was warm!
Mom: Okay...
Bryce: Mom, do you think it’s possible that I might have...laser eyes?
Mom: Laser eyes? (I mean seriously, where does he get this stuff from?)
Bryce: Yeah, I mean I pick it up, put it down, and then stare at it for a long time then the toothpaste is warm. That’s weird.
Mom: Maybe it was already warm and you didn’t notice it till the second time you picked it up.
Bryce: Oh no, it was cold the first time.
Mom: Well, maybe it got warm from you handling it.
Bryce: No Mom, it got warm from me staring at it. Do you think I have laser eyes?
Mom: I doubt it. But that is pretty weird. Only Superman has laser eyes and he’s not a real person.
Bryce: (He’s quiet for a second then has an “Aha” moment) Maybe God is finally answering my prayer and making me into a superhero!

Maybe, son. Maybe.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Gettin’ Rowdy at Costco

It was time to restock on diapers for Gavin, so I ran to Costco. It’s, supposedly, the best price for what I’m getting. My only goal was to grab a 400 pack and get home. $110 later, I loaded a box of diapers, a bucket of granola, peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets, and two toddler outfits into my Mini Cooper trunk. Did I really save ANY money?

I think every Costco visit can be summarized as this- I go in with a mission to buy ONE thing, and leave with my tail between my legs and a huge receipt in my wallet.

I think all of this spending at Costco can bring out the worst in people. On Monday, I was in line buying my staples (diapers and Ziploc bags). While waiting, my parents called and asked me to talk them through sending an email on the iPhone. As I'm on the phone, I loaded my items on the conveyor belt for checkout. Then I pushed my shopping cart behind the clerk so that they could wheel it through and load my cart.

Well, I guess I didn't push it aside enough because a cantankerous old lady behind me intentionally slammed her cart into mine in an attempt to move it out of the way. It was like watching bumper cars! Then she hurled one of those divider sticks on the conveyor belt like a football player who just scored a touchdown. She concluded her grown up tantrum with angrily loading an excessive amount of tissue boxes onto the belt. This all happened while I was on the phone trying to explain the difference between a subject line and the cc:/bcc: line to my parents. I was close to grabbing that lady by her turquoise Santa Fe sweatshirt and getting South Sac on her. If that wasn't enough, her husband wheeled their cart around and came within a few inches of hitting Gavin! Venom rays of hate shot from my eyes! Realizing that fighting an old lady is not a popular thing to do; I got off the phone and scrambled to get out of there ASAP.

Costco is now the land of bulk and brawls.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Turn your TV off!

I love TV. However, it sometimes stunts our creativity. Inundated with images in HD and larger than life sound systems, we ignore the simple joys of life. Last week, we turned off the television for the night and hung out as a family. We played a game that involved taking a three foot stick and each one of us pretended the stick was something else. We laughed so hard at what we came up with. Below is a list of the things we imagined the stick to be:

1. Pen
2. Paint roller
3. Rifle
4. A horse to ride
5. Pool stick.
6. The candle thingy that goes on top of a unicorn’s head
7. Oar for a boat
8. Skateboard
9. Bryce laid the stick on the ground, sat on it, and called it a curb
10. Broom
11. Cane
12. Pinocchio’s nose
13. Something to be eaten then pooped out (Leave it to Bryce to think of that one)
14. Limbo stick
15. Telescope
16. Sword
17. A peg leg
18. Bar for bench pressing
19. Microphone
20. Guitar
21. Gavin, our 19 month old kept dancing with the stick every time it was his turn. I guess it could be a dancing partner.

Who knew a stick could be so fun?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny

Easter is over. Bye bye pastel baskets and paper grass filler that keeps reappearing every time I sweep the floor. However, in the aftermath of Easter, you are left with a mountain of chocolate. What are you supposed to do with all this stuff? I have an answer.

Post-Easter Fondue
2 Chocolate Bunnies
1 Tbsp of butter

Melt butter, bunnies, and any other chocolates you have in a double boiler. Once the chocolate and butter have melted, immediately transfer into a fondue pot. Serve and soak up the accolades associated with making a fancy dessert.

For $2.50 (the cost of the strawberries), I just made sweet magic and I don’t have to look at those half-eaten chocolate bunnies in my cabinet. Yeah, you’re welcome.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Maybe A Tapeworm Isn't So Bad...

Spring is in the air. The birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming. Another integral part of spring is “Spring Cleaning”. I embarked upon a spring cleaning of my insides. Yes, I participated in a detox. For five days, my husband, friends, and I will not eat butter, sugar, or bacon (which are three major food groups for me). Perusing the meal plan prior to the detox, I thought our upcoming menu was feasible. The meals seemed appetizing and I don’t have to eat a tapeworm, which is always a plus.

Day 1- Lunch was the best meal of the day. I was amazed at how much I grab for snacks in the cabinet. This is forcing me to eat fruit and vegetables (ewwww). Even though I am eating more, I’m starving. This feeling reminds me of being pregnant (which I’m not!).

Day 2- Crap! I was preparing my lunch and my salmon exploded in the microwave. No, not popped...exploded. I still had to choke it down. I hate this diet.

Day 3- It feels like I’ve been doing this detox for ten days, not three. Crankiness is setting in.

Day 4- The thought of choking down another flavorless tilapia filet makes me edgy. As I squeezed lemon over the beloved fish, a light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Our friends called off the detox and said to come over for pizza and ice cream! It was glorious!

Okay, so we didn’t go the whole five days, so what? The insatiable need for pizza grease and coffee ice cream clouded my good judgment. We stopped a little short of our five day goal. However, since then, I’ve developed healthier eating habits. My lunch now consists of real food instead of cookies  Mmm...cookies.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Now Hiring

Why can’t a SAHM have a job description? Remember those? It’s what you receive, when you’ve been job offered by your potential boss. The writers of these do the best they can to provide an accurate picture of the tasks required. However, we all know that there are duties that get glossed over. If a SAHM had a job description, here’s one that should be defined more clearly.

Yes, yes, I know cleaning is part of it. However, I have a theory. I believe that toys have the same genetic makeup as rabbits. I say this because my sons’ toys keep multiplying. When I put away a Lego, I turn around to find 5 more and they’re all wedged under the couch! Every corner I turn, a toy awaits me. Maybe Toy Story is real and all toys are alive. If that is the case, they are on a mission to annoy the heck out of me. In my house, toys aren’t the only thing on the ground. My youngest loves cooking so amongst the stackable blocks and board books are salad tongs and Tupperware. (On a side note, salad tongs are really painful to step on, so put those away ASAP)

Cleaning includes organizing and organizing requires  details that no one cares about. I’m talking about reworking the pen drawer, dvd cupboard and sock basket that no one notices. You know those areas of the house that are hidden from your guests but not from your own watchful eyes. The rest of the house may be a disaster, but at least my pen drawer has two distinct compartments- one for pens and one for pencils, darn it! Even though organizing can be tedious, it is vital to keep this machine of a household functioning. (At least, that’s what I tell myself when I’m restacking the DVDs and video games in the cabinet for the millionth time)

So this is just one requirement of the job. There are plenty more that I will discuss at a later time. After reading my own job description, I accept the position. Now, let’s negotiate my salary.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Just a Hole Instead

It was inevitable. At some point a child will ask the question that every parent dreads to answer. This time Ryan answered the questions to avoid the debacle from family meeting about cursing. Check the blog, "Family Meetings and a Can of Coke" if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Bryce- Where do babies come from?

Me- Uhhh...From a momma.

Bryce- Yeah but out of what body part?  Do they come from a momma's stomach?

Me- Yes, sometimes they come out of a momma’s stomach.  That's called a c-section.  Ryan, do you want to handle this?

Ryan- Has anyone ever said anything about it?  I will answer any questions you might have, okay?

Bryce- No one has said anything.

Ryan- Well, they come out of a mom’s private part.

Bryce- Her butt?  Or, do you mean like a crotch?

Ryan- Yes, exactly like a crotch.  Women have a private part called a vagina.

Bryce- (laughing) A vagina?  That's a funny word. (He starts repeating the word "vagina" to himself because it sounds weird) Wait, you mean girls don't have wieners?

Ryan- No, boys have a penis or wiener and girls have a vagina.

Bryce- (laughing in disbelief) I'm not even gonna ask...What does it look like?

Ryan- No, you can ask.  Just picture your wiener and balls except there's no wiener and balls and just a hole instead.

Bryce- (Laughing again) That's weird.

Ryan- You can always ask Daddy about anything because Daddy knows and will always answer honest.  You're my champ.

That was beautifully handled, Ryan. From that conversation came one of the best quotes from Bryce and possibly his greatest revelation, "Wait, you mean girls don't have wieners?"

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Guess It Could Be Worse...

The age of 30 is knocking at my door and I greet it with mixed emotions. Goodbye youthful 20’s; hello responsible 30’s. In order to make myself feel better, I have created a list of 30 things that are WORSE than turning 30:
  1. Kevin Costner movies (He can’t act. End of story.)
  2. Nascar
  3. Coming home from a week long vacation to an ant infested house (this one is based on personal experience)
  4. Listening to people who still quote lines from “Austin Powers”
  5. Carmen music videos (Who's in the house? JC)
  6. Trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics
  7. Leftover Taco Bell
  8. Trying to understand the plot to the second Matrix movie
  9. Fake flowers in front yards
  10. Everyone in the house having the stomach flu at the same time
  11. Anything with raisins
  12. The idea of a “Saved by the Bell” reunion movie (just leave it alone)
  13. Someone asking if you’re pregnant when you’re not (that happened to me, too.)
  14. Strangers who try to make conversation in an elevator
  15. Rat tails
  16. Washing my car then it rains the next day
  17. Bolo ties
  18. Geico commercials featuring the caveman
  19. Traffic jams for no reason
  20. Farmville on facebook (why is that popular?)
  21. Wearing painful shoes at Disneyland.
  22. Trying a new recipe where you have to buy a bunch of new grocery items and it sucks
  23. Being asked by your child, “What is sex?” (again, that happened to me)
  24. Close-talkers
  25. “Everything I Do” by Bryan Adams
  26. Uggs (Yeah, I said it.)
  27. Pink eye
  28. Folding laundry and finding socks with no pair
  29. Jay Leno hosting “The Tonight Show” again. (I’m with Coco)
  30. Overuse of the word “epic”

Monday, February 22, 2010

Family Meetings and a Can of Coke...

It’s not everyday when my son calls a “family meeting”. In my mind, family meetings involve heavy conversations, some crying, a resolution and hugs. This was going to be interesting. Ryan and I sat at the foot of Bryce’s bed awaiting the topic of discussion. Bryce looked up at God for strength, took a deep breath and mustered up all of his courage to ask us, “Have you ever done anything really bad like say a bad word or hit anyone?” My son is incredibly innocent and, in his eight year old mindset, saying curse words is quite possibly the unpardonable sin.
Ryan answered in a very kind, fatherly way. He let him know that Daddy has made mistakes but God still loves him. Ryan gave a couple examples of when he messed up and how he received forgiveness. He told Bryce that his mom and dad used to pray with him to stop saying bad words and we can do the same for him. Wow, good answer Ryan. Ok, now it’s my turn to share some pearls of wisdom.

I admitted that I had said bad words and that people say those things for different reasons (i.e. bad language can be used out of anger, to be cool in front of friends, etc.). Then I explained to him that I used to have a cursing problem in 4th grade. Once, I had foolishly cursed in front of my parents because I opened a can of soda and it exploded. I concluded with letting him know that people make mistakes and that he can talk to us if he is struggling.

I think that portion of the lesson was completely lost on Bryce. I looked at my sweet, pure boy and his eyes were huge. He was in absolute disbelief that his mom would commit something that is so deplorable. He was speechless for a few seconds. Then he asked Ryan, “Dad, did you know Mom back then? Why would you want to marry someone who says bad words? I mean, who gets that mad over a can of soda?”

Maybe Ryan should be the only one to talk at family meetings…

Monday, February 15, 2010

Party in the USA! Now, how do you turn this thing on?

I used to work at Nordstrom, an environment where the expectation was to stay knowledgeable about current fashion trends and forecasting future trends. Now, that I am a SAHM, I am cut off from that world. If I want to know how pop culture influences the next season’s fashion or hot items for Fall 2010, I have to do the research on my own. That’s a lot of work and I’m not sure if I can find the time between all the cooking and cleaning.

I am fearful of becoming so wrapped up in my world of managing my household that I lose connection with the outside world. I am frightened of walking into a tornado of Lysol disinfectant spray and PTA meetings. When I am finally spit out of the vortex, I will be wearing “the Rachel” haircut and sensible shoes.

I know it’s inevitable. Everyone slips into that state where we start showing our age and lack of coolness. Easily recognizable signs include:
  • Quoting lines from movies that no one remembers or even heard of
  • Recalling time periods in life based on the price of gas at that time (i.e. “I remember my junior prom. It was right around the time that gas hit $1.10”)
  • Seeing fashion trends re-emerge and saying, “I remember when leg warmers first came out…15-20 years ago.”

Then there is the opposite extreme. I am referring to the moms who desperately try to stay cool that they turn juvenile. You know the type. What if I wore the same clothes as my 15 year old daughter and had Miley Cyrus on my ipod that I didn’t know how to use (Party in the USA, right?). Picture me strutting about in an Ed Hardy trucker cap and ridiculously thinking that I can keep up with the younger girls. Trying to stay youthful and fresh is one thing but reliving the glory days is another. Not cool.

So what’s the answer? How do I walk the line between in touch, cool mom and growing older gracefully?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Double the dosage...

SAHMs (stay at home moms) should have a commercial.  Yes, I said a commercial.  One that promotes the joy, fulfillment and side effects of becoming a SAHM.  I'm thinking the commercial should follow the same format that medications like Zyrtec and Yaz have.  It would feature non-stop pleasant images that portray the freedom that comes with being a SAHM.  Here are some image ideas:
  • A mom pushing her child on a swing
  • A mom cheering on her son as he scores the winning soccer goal while handing out snacks
  • Loving hands pulling fresh baked cookies out of the oven
  • Pulling up in the minivan and kissing the children as they skip off to school
  • Cycling on the beach.  (this image is standard in all drug commercials and I will uphold the tradition)
Ok, ok you get the picture.  The best part of the drug commercial is when they run through the laundry list of side effects that result from taking the drug.  My personal favorite is oily flatulence (is that not a red flag or what?).  The side effects are usually stated by the narrator while they continually roll the pleasant images.  However, the SAHM commercial will feature a visual image of each of the side effects.  Picture this, side effects may include, but are not limited to:
  • The intense desire to wear "Mom Jeans" and white leather Keds.
  • Incorrect usuage of outdated cultural references (i.e. "Son, would you like a cookie, they're cowabunga!")
  • Excessive poo clean-up.  (The image will be of a mom cleaning poo from under her nails)
  • Carpal tunnel due to excessive laundry folding.
  • Deafness to childrens' whining.
  • Last but certainly not least...oily flatulence.  (Hey, it could happen)
If your symptoms persist, please contact your physician immediately.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Instead of a golf ball, we can use cottage cheese...

One of the first things we did, as a family, since I became a SAHM was take a family vacation. Destination...Disneyland. Our plan was simple. We would wake up at 4:30am and be on the road by 5:00am. By the time the kids woke up around 9am, we would be more than halfway there. It was genius.

However, things don't always work out. Our son, Bryce, came into our room at 9:00am asking why we had not left yet. 9:00 am? Omigosh, we are four hours behind schedule! We threw our stuff in the car as fast as we could and headed out.

We were on the road in the middle of morning traffic, however, that was not going to ruin our vacation glee. Oh, did I mention a huge accident occured and it took 30 minutes just to go 2 miles? Still, the collision of all collisions could not squelch our excitement.

Our youngest son, Gavin, started coughing in the backseat. He had been battling a cold for two weeks and it seemed like he was getting better ("seemed" is the operative word). Unfortunately, he would not stop coughing. Growing more concerned, I turn around and helplessly watched my son throw up what looked like golf balls of cottage cheese. The look on Gavin's face was priceless as his eyes grew huge because his little mouth was not big enough to handle all of the vomit that was coming out. I immediately launched into the backseat to clean up this sour smelling mess. I did the best I could with the few resources that were available. We were forced to go back home, but don't forget, we were stuck in traffic so it wasn't as easy as make a U-turn and the house was around the corner. We were forced to wait...and wait.

If getting off to a late start and being stuck in traffic didn't kill the vibe, then pungent throw up sure did.

Needless to say, we finally made it to Anaheim, even if it was four hours behind schedule. Disneyland magically erases the horrible memories of getting there. We had a fantastic balls and all.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Every journey begins with a single step...

Okay, so I'm officially joining the millions of others who "blog". I've never fully understood the concept as I am not the most tech-savvy person. My only interaction with the "interwebs" includes excessive facebook use and online shopping.

I don't want to babble too much, so let me get straight to the point. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom). I recently quit my job as a visual stylist for Nordstrom and decided to become a SAHM to be more available to my family. Join me as I share my adventures of transitioning from a full-time working mom to SAHM. Every journey has its share of ups and downs with a lot of laughter and heart mixed in. This is a glimpse of my life as a SAHM...


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Don't Miss

Dermalogica founder wins CEW award in first ever entrepreneurial category

jane dermalogica CEW
Jane Wurwand, founder, co-owner and chief visionary of Dermalogica, has been awarded a top honour by Cosmetic Executive Women (CEW) as one of the recipients of the prestigious CEW Achiever Award.

The Achiever Awards recognise the accomplishments of women leaders in the cosmetic industry, and serve as an inspiration to future leaders and for companies to support executive women’s advancement.

The ceremony, held at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City, marked the 60th anniversary of CEW and in honour of this, the organisation created a new awards category: Trailblazing entrepreneurs who have changed the industry.

“We are excited to have Dermalogica recognised by the CEW in this first-time ever entrepreneurial category,” said Wurwand. “The cosmetic industry has given birth to incredible entrepreneurial brands, many founded by women with a singular passion and vision.

“The professional salon skin care industry puts more women into their own businesses than any other, and I am very proud to represent the hundreds of thousands of professional skin care therapists who make up our tribe worldwide.”

Wurwand, who is also founder of the International Dermal Institute (IDI) and Dermalogica’s social impact initiative, FITE, has focused her work over the last 30 years on creating professional opportunities and economic empowerment for women. To date, FITE – Financial Independence Through Entrepreneurship – has helped more than 50,000 women entrepreneurs worldwide and has recently announced the launch of a new programme to support vocational training for young women and girls.

Also recognized at the CEW Achiever Award ceremony include the following Honorees: Laura Geller, founder, Laura Geller Beauty; Alli Webb, founder, Drybar; and Wende Zomnir, chief creative officer/founding partner, Urban Decay Cosmetics. Additionally, Leonard Lauder, chairman emeritus, The Estée Lauder Companies Inc., received the Lifetime Achievement Award.;

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Another thing I will never do

Just like the last one of these, this is a response to an actual occurrence. These occurrences are not always something that happened to me, but they are real occurrences. So let me say this...

I will never buy New York Strip Steak, or any other cut of meat, from a homeless person standing in front of Giant, or any other grocery store, who has been storing the meat down the front of his pants, or in any other article of clothing he is wearing, or from any area of said clothes.

Monday, May 15, 2006

My faith in man is restored by a gallon of diet green tea

I can probably be described as being ever so slightly cynical when it comes to the intentions of the average person. Usually I am right. But sometimes a random thing will show you that people care, at least about random crap.

I am tired a lot. It comes with the territory with the life that I lead. This is not a complaint, just a statement of fact. Because of my schedule, I can sometimes forget the little things. One of the things that helps me get through my days is diet green tea. It is like crack with antioxidants and ginseng, and I am completely addicted. I drink a lot of it. But I figure it is better for me than pretty much anything I can drink a lot of instead of water, and dammit, I like flavor in my beverages. So I consider it to be an acceptable vice.

About a week and a half ago, I was driving home from Target after pulling a 2 job double. It was about 11pm when I got to the car, partialyl consumed gallon of diet green tea in tow. I got in the car and started the drive to my bed, and blissful coma.

The path home from Target is all back roads, so there is no need for high speed driving. Being back roads it isn't overly populated nor is it heavily trafficked at that time of night, so there was no one behind me until I made the turn onto Belair Road (which is a pretty major in-the-city road in Baltimore). Suddenly a car pulls up behind me and at the light starts to honk and point at my car. Well I will admit that I was curious, but at 11pm on the east side of Baltimore, you don't stop and get out of your car when someone honks and points at you. So when ther light turns green I drive on. They pull up beside me and at the next light they roll down their window to let me know that I have a gallon of juice on my roof. Yup, I put it on top of the car as I was leaving Target, and forgot to put it IN the car before I pulled away. I realized what they were talink about, but by that time the light was turning green and there were a few cars behind me, and since it had stayed up there through all the twists and turns of the drive, I figured it would be safe for the remainder, which except for the turn onto the access road and the turn onto my road, were pretty straight shots at about 35 mph. Plus, I was now kind of curious if it WOULD stay up there for the rest of the trip. It was like an impromptu science experiment. I thanked them for telling me and they drove off, and I started to make my way down the road and to the house. There were two more lights before my turn, and at both lights, multiple people told me that there was a jug of juice on top of my car. I explained to all of them that I was trying to cool it off because the refrigerator at the house was broken, they would give me a funny look, and then move on. After I made the turn into the neighborhood, I drove past random groups of people, mainly high school and college aged kids standing outside talking and stoop sitting, both Baltimore neighborhood traditions. Each group I passed, oblivious to the fact that the previous group just shouted at me that I had a bottle of juice on top of my truck, would shout to me that I had a bottle of juice on top of my truck. I thanked each group for telling me and continued on my way, while they watched me drive off with juice on my hood, looking at me rather nonplussed at my lack of caring about the aforementioned juice.

I made it home without losing the tea, and with my admiration for society's can do come together (right now over me) attitude multiplied tenfold. Because sometimes, people really don't suck.

Things I will never do

Welcome to the first in an occasional series where I will be telling you things that I will not do, not under any conceivable circumstances. I hope the reasons beind my choices will be abundantly clear, for I have no intention of explaining my decisions. I will be posting these as they occur, so there is no rhyme or reason to the frequency of them.

There, I think I have over explained them enough now. Let's move on to the first thing I will never do...

I will never buy condoms that are on clearance.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Moving On/Locking and Loading

No, I am still not fully over Leo. I probably won't be for a while. But that doesn't mean that life stops. Wednesday nights are trivia night, I meet some friends at a bar/resteraunt in Timonium. Not the trivia with the board and the tv screens, but a dj asking questions and teams playing...its a lot of fun. We are competitive, but we go to have fun and hang out and hopefully win some house cash. Well, I went last night. I wanted to go and laugh. Of course, poor Long Arm (I am pretty sure I have mentioned him, and I might have given him a different name. I can't keep track anymore. He's my lawyer friend) sees the number written on my hand and starts kidding me about scoring some digits, and does the wife know. Well, the number on my hand is the number for the vet. When I called 411 Tuesday night, I didn't have paper, so I used what was available (isn't it weird how even in the middle of this and trying to deal with finding a dead pet in the middle of the floor, I had the thought that I wasn't going to pay 50 cents to have them autodial the number for me? How much of a flippin cheapskate can I be? Cat dead? Grieving? Check and check. Let the phone company connect me to the vet for a little more than the cost of a pay phone call? SCREW YOU BASTARDS!!!

Anyway, I told him what the number was, and he couldn't have felt worse. If this had been a Looney Tunes cartoon, he would have started shrinking or would have turned to the camera and held up a picture of a donkey and an arrow pointing at himself. I felt bad for him. I told him don't worry about it, but you could tell he felt awkward. Luckily for him, another guy on the team looked at my hand and started teasing me about scoring some digits. I just made a joke back at him and looked back at Long Arm and changed the subject. It wasn't long before we were into the game and joking around and generally having fun. I still think about him from time to time, but I am not going to build a shrine or anything. Not yet anyway.

Okay, now on to the business at hand. JJ is going to be in our midst for two weeks STRAIGHT. Yup, 11 working days. And while there are 2 weekends built in to offer the briefest of respites from her, they re fleeting compared to the hell that will be ensuing. Although she apparently isn't coming in tomorrow. So it's almost like a 3 day weekend for me. But, I know that my patience is going to be sorely tested. Anyone who hasn't bet on Psycho's over/under for when I pick her off Oswald style had better get their bets in now, because there is a good chance that if it is going to happen, it will happen before the end of May.

Now when she is here, I usually go into shut down mode, not really talking or looking up from my computer. I could be working or playing Freecell, I look really damn busy while she is sitting across from me. After two days, my jaw actually is slightly sore from the clenching I have been doing. In fact, twice in the time it took to type hat sentence, I had to force myself to relax my jaw. So it might be sanity at the cost of a couple of molars. I guess that is a valid trade-off. I did find out that she and her husband were discussing ways to get over sleep ailments (thank GOD she was walking away and I didn't actually have to hear her "cure". I don't know that I have the constitution to handle that). Also, it seems she needs to do some shopping for summer pants. The ones from last year just aren't fitting like they were then. Is it too late to warn you of disturbing mental images possible? Yup. Sorry.

Sorry, my jaw was locking up again.

I warned the Wonder Twins not to encourage her, and at least one of the Hens was saying the same thing to Jamaica at one point. It is going to be a FUN 2 weeks.

I need to prep for werk part deux, so I am gonna wrap this up now. But let me tell you real quick about the link. All you need to do is go to the photo and right click on it as if you were going to save it, and see the name the photo was given. If you don't laugh (unless they change it), you probably aren't the kind of person I want to have a beer with. Unless you are buying.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A short visit

Yesterday was a day of contradictions. Niji and David got engaged yesterday. Wifey and I were supposed to be there to join the celebration David had planned (he must have been pretty confident that she would say yes. That is why I got Wifey drunk at a party first. Lowered her resistance a bit. Once she sobered up, I knew she would be too embarassed to break what amounted to an oral contract). However, when I got home in between work and the celebration, I went downstairs and found Leo laying on the floor by the basement door with his eyes open. But he didn't look right. I mentioned last week that he has been sick for a while. When I went to check him, I knew. He was dead. I called Wifey and told her to come home instead of heading to Annapolis for the party. I called the Vet's office (I still have the number on my hand. I had to call 411 because I didn't have the number in front of me and didn't want to go looking through the phone book. There was no paper nearby, so I wrote it on my hand). I knew he was gone, but I wanted to let them look at him anyway. So I put him in a box and took him to the vet's office. It didn't take the vet long to second my opinion. I kept his collar, it is on my rear view mirror right now.

I know it is a little bizarre to compare the engagement of two dear friends to the passing of a housepet. And I am not even thinking about the fact that he was only with us for about 8 months, when we took him in from the streets (hence the title of this post), because 8 months or 8 years, he was a part of our lives, and a part of the family. Even Wifey, who does not handle grief well (her words, not mine), said "He was just a cat" in regards to the $150+ cost of a private cremation and a take home box of ashes offered by the vet's office, which seems like a bit of a racket to me. I chose the group cremation and they can dispose of the ashes. What am I going to do with them? I hope it doesn't sound too callous, but who puts their pet's ashes on the mantle next to Grandpa? Does some person have a mausoleum with Rex next to his ex? And apparently they gauge cost (a little under $40 for Leo) based on weight. As I signed the invoice (which felt weird. It was a very antiseptic transaction, and it didn't feel right to see a paper with the word "invoice" bold faced and center justified at the top as I signed over the body of a pet for them to take care of in a manner that is, I hope, respectfully handled. Is that how it is handled at funeral homes? Does the bill say "invoice" on the top? Can't they find something a little more human to put at the top?), I noticed it said "for group cremation under 20 lbs. It was one of those surreal moments where I am standing there waiting for my credit card to approve for the (for lack of a better term) disposal of a family pet, and I am signing an invoice for "animal under 20 lbs. It was one of those morbidly funny moments to me, how businesslike it was. How unfeeling the document was. And when she stapled my copy of the receipt to my copy of the invoice, she handed them to me, and it seemed she was surprised that I told her she could just throw those away. She asked me if I was sure. I don't know how it sounded, I hope it didn't come off as dismissive or rude, but I looked at her with tears in my eyes and told her that it wasn't like I could return it, so why did I need a receipt? What would I do with the invoice? File it? Frame it? Give Wifey another reminder of him being gone? Tuxedo is still trying to figure it out. I know she saw him before I did. I closed the door to the basement before I picked him up and put him in the box I took him to the vet's in, I didn't want her down there where he was laying. And last night, as I was downstairs doing something, she came down and was exploring. I followed her as she followed what I assume was his path, right up to where I found him. She sniffed around where he was laying when I found him, then moved to the window and looked up there for him, came back, sniffed some more and looked at me. That broke me again. In fact, I am getting a little teary eyed right now remembering it. But eventually she will move on, and so will we. More than anything, I think she is going to miss having a playmate while we are out of the house.

Wifey and I discussed bringing in another cat, but we both think that if and when we are meant to have another cat, it will happen. We got him by accident. We were taking care of Tuxedo, who needed protection, and when she started getting into the house, we kind of just accepted that feeding her out in back of the house wasn't good enough for her. I am not really sure how Leo even got into the family.I remember he was what I would call a neighborhood porch cat, trying to get in whatever house he could (I think he lived with a family that moved away and left him/lost him, so he just expected to get into another house). For some reason we let him in, and he decided he liked it there. And he was just a strange cat. At times he could be really damn annoying, CONSTANTLY crying to be let out, even in the middle of snowstorms and torrential downpours. He was fond of bitching, to say the least. But there were times when he was just like some kind of zen master. He looked almost perma-stoned, his head back a little, eyes half open, just laying wherever he happened to be, the window sill or the couch or in the middle of the floor, and he would just watch all of us with a look of bemused detachment. He just didn't want to be bothered by our petty lives. Maybe in a little while, we will find another cat walking about who needs to be loved, or we could go to the pound or the shelter and rescue a cat or kitten. But right now I personally can't deal with "replacing" him.

The house will be different without him. Rest in Peace buddy.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I'm on to you all

Okay, this is gonna be a quickie (of course, if you ask Wifey, they ALL are, but we have different concepts of time. At least in certain circumstances). I just want to let you all know that I am aware of your nefarious plot. It must have been omitted from my calendar, this "Everybody Do Everything It Is In Your Power To Do If At All Humanly Possible To Get In Ron's Way Wherever He Is Going Today" Day. That's okay, I will thwart you. From the MTA bus that decided to stop (not break down, just STOP) in the right hand turn lane of a very busy intersection where I make a right turn every morning in order to get to work, to the three yahoos that decided to pick that particular time to also stop, to the car right behind me that stopped approximately 3 inches from my rear bumper, effectively trapping me in space, to the trash truck that decided that it would be a good time to grab the trash can RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, even if that meant cutting me off and slamming its brakes on (forcing me to follow suit), and apparently city budget cutbacks have forced all municipal vehicles to be sold without turn signals in order to save money on bulbs, to the CORVETTE that was doing around 8 miles under the 25 mph speed limit on the last road before I arrive at work. 2006 Corvette and it can't go faster than idle speed? WTF?!?!?!?!?

Also, it seems that Wifey and I were accidentally poisoning the cats. I bought a name brand cat food the other day (not mentioning the brand for fear of legal reprisal, but contact me and I will let you know on an individual basis). One cat is sick, and one cat is apparently very horny (if the lambada-esque dance she has been doing is any indication), and Wifey called the vet. The vet said it is the food that is doing all of the damage. Like I said to Wifey when she IM'ed me the info, I am surprised, because I remember using this food for my cats growing up and there never being a problem. I don't think it is our cat specific-type issues with the food from the reaction that the vet apparently had (I say apparently because I was not the one on the phone talking to him. Wifey was). I guess the brand has gone downhill since the glory days. So if you have cats, drop me a line and I will tell you what the food was so you know to avoid it. If you hate cats or have an ex (or someone you are planning to put in "ex" status soon) that has cats and you want to screw them up, drop me a line and if I feel your desire to kill kitties (pic to your right excluded) is justified, I will also tell you the brand.

George Clooney and Texas Whoppers will probably have to wait until tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Tom Cruise movies and The Boob Thief

As always, the link has nothing to do with the post, it is just a fun little story. I love TheSmokingGun . But on to business.

Apparently there are at least two people clamoring for my review of MI:3. Wow. I feel like Ebert, but with lips and a neck. And I get laid. Other than that, it is eerily similar. So lets give the old BSR one word review

Yup, it is a fun movie. JJ Abrams gets a good performance out of Tom Cruise (no small task), and Phillip Seymour Hoffman is just a badass. I always knew he could act, but to see him play evil, well it is scenery chewin' time, and Phil has one hell of an appetite. But this isn't about nuance and depth and inner monologues. Mission Impossible is about ONE thing, making your eyes glue themselves to the screen with one cool damn thing after another while you shovel that $8 drum of popcorn with "golden flavored topping" (I actually use the stuff to re-lube my gear shift the other day. WD-40 has NOTHING on golden flavored topping) and sucking down that 1.5 gallon size Diet Coke with enough ice in it to reverse global warming (but hey, free refills. And I am thinking about trying to set the Guinness World Record for longest pee duration in a public restroom - Urinal Division). Ving Rhames is his usual fun self, Lawrence Fishburne is cool (even if his teeth are a little like corn nubs. Somehow he pulls it off). The British guy with the middle name Rhys (pronounced "Reese". Is it just me or has there been about 500 British guys with the middle name "Rhys" popping up in every other damn movie made? What is it with that name and pensive brooding and impaired oral hygiene?). And because of that movie, I now have a new career goal. I want to be a remote held to the thigh of the Asian chick in the movie. The one held on by a garter belt. I don't care what I would be a remote for (but I have some ideas if she is reading. Yeah, right). Oh. My. DAMN.

Now on to more pressing matters. The BOOB Thief. The Boob Thief also goes by the name of Ben. Ben is my mortal enemy. Ben is, to the best of my knowledge, less than a year old. Let me explain. Wifey works in an office (at least some of you that are reading this are looking over your cubicle wall at her right now and saying "Yeah, we know. Dumbass". Well screw you and your elitist attitude! But anyway, in this office are other employees (the aforementioned elite), and some of them are female. I am painfully aware that one of them got knocked up and had a kid. A boy named Ben. It seems that Ben is the cutest thing EVER. At least that is what I am told. Repeatedly. Well, if his only crime was cuteness, I would be fine with his continued existence in my world. I have never claimed to be cute, and I have no real desire to have that added to the list of adjectives that are used to regularly describe me. Well, it seems that he has a fetish. A fetish for my wife's breasts. Now if you ask Wifey, she will tell you that she has perfect breasts. And since, as Wesley pointed out, there are very few perfect breasts in this world, it would be a shame to ruin them. AND THAT IS WHAT HE IS DOING!!!!! Not ruining them in any physical way, but ruining my enjoyment of them. Whenever he is brought to the office, he immediately makes a bee-line for Wifey's Grand Central Stition (get it? Huh?!?). Now for the rest of the day will be IM's from Wifey cooing about how cute he is and how adorable he is and all that crap. Well let me tell you something Boob Thief. I am ON to you! The longer you rest your perfect little head on my Wifey's bosom, the longer I have to wait to get to use them for my own nefarious purposes. And I only have a limited window until we start having kids of our own, and then I don't get them for at least a couple of years. He gets her motherly instincts all whirled up, which is good from the standpoint that she wants to go home and practice making babies the old fashioned way, but bad because she starts plotting on how to use them for our eventual brood and then I don't get to play hide and go seek with my friends Lefty and Nips. And that is just wrong.

Also, I need to make a point clear here. Wifey and I damaged the bed the other day. And by damaged the bed I mean we bent the bedframe. If you know me, you can probably imagine me being able to do that without any help. But when libido calls, sometimes you have to crawl to position. Just don't crawl to the foot of the bed on a regular frame. Well, we took care of the problem the next day, we got a new Heavy Duty Lifetime Warranty bedframe for a reasonable price. And the salesman threw in two free pillows for to sweeten the deal (more on pillows as weapons in a moment). But (and this is a MAJOR but), I guess Wifey just HAD to let her mother come over the one day that the bed as in a state of limbo, with one end being held up by a personal sized igloo cooler I have had since my high school football days. And she just HAD to let her go to the bathroom, which is downstairs next to the bedroom. And she just HAD to not block her view and MOMM-O version 2.0 just HAD to notice. AND WIFEY COULDN'T LIE TO HER!!!!!!! I mean come on, I am not naive enough to think that Mv.2 was unaware that we had consummated our marriage by now, and I don't expect her to have a big problem, since she wants grandkids as much as my parents do (possibly more, since my parents have my niece and nephew from my sister and her hubb-o). But it was the bottom leg of the bed that broke off. And why is that a problem? Because you wouldn't break off the bottom leg, the one by the foot of the bed, if you were having regular old Walton's Family approved sex. She would have been in the middle of the bed, with her head at the top. In order to snap off that leg, we had to be going for some bizarre synchronized swimming, cirque de soleil type maneuver. And I am willing to bet she doesn't want to picture her daughter doing THAT (I can just hear it now. "Daughter, why is there a hole in that wall? And where are the ceiling tiles? Why did you need to reinforce that beam in the ceiling?"). And that is why I have banned Mv.2 from making any kind of contact with me for the month of May. No phone calls, no instant messages, no being at the house when I come home, no coming in when I am already there. Not because I don't love her, but because I cannot fathom the thought of making eye contact with her. And apparently Wifey clued her in to reading this. ARRRGH!!! I put up semi-pornographic pictures of Disney characters and Wifey tells her mom to read? Now that I think about it, I might have to extend the ban until June.

And one final thing before I end this thing. We have already established that Wifey like to treat sleepy time like she is Germany and I am France (there is an obvious Maginot Line joke here, but for all I know I have made it previously. I am too lazy to check, and now it is too late to make the joke. TPPPBBBBBBBTH). Well, let me add that I am not a very cuddling person when it comes to sleep. I sweat quickly and easily, and having someone pressed or draped against me can only cause the rivers to flow. I need air, and will spend a lot of time during the night kicking my covers off to cool down, then getting chilly and pulling them back up. I have apologized to Wifey privately, and now I do so publicly. I am sorry I am not a cuddler. That being said, Wifey likes to bring extra pillows to bed. Not those stupid little decorative pillows that people with too much money have all over their beds and couches, but standard regulation sized pillows. Okay, I can deal with that. But while it may start as innocent cuddling with sleep gear, it soon turns violent. And by that I mean the pillow will somehow magically migrate from her arms to her ass, and as she turns away from me, she bends and contorts and uses her fluff down doom to claim the bed's Kashmir. Like a padded badonk-a-donk bulldozer, she flattens the rainforest of the bed that is me. This morning I told her we were going to have to re-think her use of pillows as potential WMD's. I am all but sure I am going to lose the battle, but I will not go down without a fight.

Now I must take my leave of you. I have to get back to work, and I have to allow lunch to finish running its course (yup. That is the nicest way of saying "I gotta take a shit" as there is. You can use that). But let me leave you with this. Either tomorrow or Friday, I promise a review of the Burger King Texas Whopper, and to reveal to you that while I am a raging heterosexual, I am officially gay for George Clooney.

Stay tuned. And taste the rainbow!


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Looking for Something on My Blog? Search Here!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Get A Little, Give A LOT!

How would you like to help a fellow crafter in the greatest challenge of her life, and get something really nice for yourself in the process?

A bunch of digital artists have gotten together to donate their designs for a much beloved fellow crafter, Katie Renz, who is battling stage 4 stomach cancer. She is courageous, young, and has 3 little boys. The funds being raised will be very helpful in her medical and family expenses. For your donation you will receive a great package of terrific digital images, as well as being entered into drawings for some awesome prizes that have been donated by some top companies. I hope you can check out Jak Heath's blog for the details.

I don't personally know Katie, but my friend over at Betty Beez Buzz posted this first!

No comments:


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Looking for Something on My Blog? Search Here!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Sketchy Saturday - 1/1/11

My first Sketchy Saturday of the new year! Enjoy it! See what you can do with it and post your layout at the bottom of this post!
For this layout I used K & Co.'s Super Paper Pad . It was a lot of fun mixing and matching these wonderfully bright colors! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I used a black ribbon through the center. For my flourish I had a chipboard circle which had two flourishes in it. The flourishes had been used already, so, I decided to use it as a stencil and draw the flourish. Then I just went over it with some stickles and let it dry. (look for an upcoming tutorial on this at 101 Ways To Scrap) That's it! As for the title? Thickers, of course!

PinkBlingCrafter said...

Super cute layout and I can't wait to participate and I'm taking your blinkie to my blog:) Off to start on this layout!!

Stefanie said...

Cute layout, I might have to use this.

The Scrapbook Speedway said...

i love it norma! great job! thanks for using my sketch!

Love your site. I'm very new to crafting as well as blogging. Thank you for your insperation. I will try this layout.


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Saturday, December 26, 2009

Welcome to the New Owners

We would like to welcome the new owners of The Scrapbook Tree, David and Lori Wilson. They are keeping the name and the same location. Their plans are to open in March with new ideas and great products. We hope they will enjoy their new adventure and meeting all the wonderful people here.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Ornaments Day 21 -25

Merry Christmas!!!

Here are the last 5 ornaments Lilli made for Chistmas this year.
Day 21

Day 22

Day 23

Day 24

Day 25

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ornaments Day 16 - 20

Although we have been keeping up with our ornaments at home, I lost track of the days and forgot to post them on the 20th on December. Here are the ornaments from days 16 - 20.

Day 16

Day 17

Day 18

Day 19

Day 20

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Altered Tins

It's Christmas time and we are sending gifts to Lillian's teachers at school. A little thank you for everything they do.
I decided to alter some Maya Road tins. Here are the finished projects.

Of course each tin was filled with goodies.

Lillian spent a day with me on Thanksgiving break and made the gift bags for each teacher also.

~ LaDonna

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ornaments Day 11-15

Day 11

Day 12

Day 13
This one Lilli designed all on her own.
I discovered later, that the fingerprints in the middle were done with my lipstick.

Day 14

Day 15
This was my favorite ornament this week. I love to make crafts from foam sheets.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ornaments Day 6 - 10

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Monday, December 7, 2009

Handmade Shaker Ornament

My plan is to show the ornaments Lillian has been making every 5 days. However, this one was so much fun I took pictures to show a tutorial.

Think Snow Shaker Box.

We started with the plastic case that was left after opening some brads. I used the chipboard piece to measure for the cardstock she will need.

After I cut the cardstock. Lillian stamped a snowman border and Think Snow saying with black ink.

Then she colored in the image with her favorite colors.
When she was finished with that step, she set it aside for later. I showed her how to apply the alcohol inks without using a handle.

She used them to add color to the back and side panels.

On a second piece of cardstock she wrote her name, the year, and the age she is now. (Her idea)

Next she used a glue stick to attach the cardstock pieces to the front and back of the chipboard piece that came in the case.

She used the back of a stamp to smooth the paper out, after she attached it. (Again, her idea)

Before she lined the case with her cardstock, she added some chalk for the snow. She used a q-tip to apply it in different colors.

Then she used a glitter pen to draw attention to the snowmen.

Once that was done, she added a small amount of ivory Flower Soft to the inset in the plastic container.

She laid the cardstock piece on top of that and I applied clear glue around the edges and closed the lid. I helped with this part because we didn't want the Flower Soft to come around to the back side of the ornament. (Liili took this picture for me.)

Here is a picture of Lilli with her finished "shaker" ornament.


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1 February 2016

January Wrap Up

Hello everyone! Can you believe the first month of 2016 is over already? Honestly, I'm glad January is over, I've had a pretty shitty and emotional month and I'm looking forward to getting on with the rest of the year and hoping it'll be so much better,

So, in January I read 9 books which I'm pretty happy with since I was doing quite a few late nights at work this month. I also DNF'd a book this month - Shallow Grave by Kali Wallace just wasn't for me. I didn't like the main character or the writing style. The story was so slow and boring that I just couldn't continue to read it.

Anyways, on to the 9 books I did manage to finish this month!
1. The Distance from A to Z by Natalie Blitt
2. First by Elizabeth Laurie Flynn
3. Glass Sword by Victoria Aveyard
4. The Deal by Elle Kennedy
5. Sever by J.M. Miller
6. The Mistake by Elle Kennedy
7. November 9 by Colleen Hoover
8. Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor
9. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella

DNF Shallow Graves by Kali Wallace

Glass Sword by Victoria Aveyard was definitely my favourite book of the month - November 9 was a very close second. I've been dying to read Glass Sword since around this time last year and it was everything I could have asked for and more! It was action packed and again left me dying to read the next book!

In February I'm hoping to read 9 books again. I'm in the middle of listening to the audiobook of Days of Blood and Starlight by Laini Taylor and I have to say I'm enjoying the series a lot more on audio. I think if I'd listened to the full of DoSaB on audio I would have enjoyed it more. But we'll see!

So, that's my January wrap up! Let me know in the comments what your favourite book you read in January was.

  1. I hope February will be better for you *hugs* I can't wait to read GLASS SWORD, I loved Red Queen.

  2. All the hugs!
    9 books is great! And I'm happy you loved November 9. But you know that. :)
    I still think you should check out The Score. Dean is Dean and that means he's fantastic.


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Rain Harvesting

Availability of water are considered important in the climate conditions of uncertainty. In the prolonged dry season, many activities of daily life disrupted because of lack of water supply. For that, necessary effort to maximize the potential of water resources in order to provide particular daily needs during the difficult water.

Rain are not coming during the year although the amount of water that falls relatively fixed in accordance with the potential of rainfall in each region. One cause of many common areas in the raw water shortages because of drought when water use is too concentrated in the rainy season and there is no attempt to store rainwater. In fact, that water remains available in the dry season is very dependent on water conservation.

According to the situation we have to deposit rainwater during rain to the rain water barrels .The main function of rain barrels is to deposit rain water during rain so it can continue to be used for a prolonged period even repeated. The deposit of rain water can be use as drinking water and for other purpose.There are plenty of rain barrels for sale available today, the factory not only considered about the function but also think about the looks, color and art.