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Posts Tagged ‘older child adoption’

LWB’s Realistic Expectations Series: Potty Training

May 1, 2012

Love Without Boundaries’ Amy Eldridge has been writing a series on her blog about “Realistic Expectations”. While it is geared toward families adopting from China, many of the issues are common in other countries as well. Today I read her post on toilet training and thought that there were many, many good points for any families adopting internationally! You can find it here: http://www.lwbcommunity.org/realistic-expectations-potty-training

I’d like to highlight a few of the issues she raises that are common to many other countries as well as China.

“Today we would like to continue with the “bathroom” subject, as one of the most common questions asked by parents is whether or not their child-to-be is potty trained.  Well…… define potty trained. And if the definition is “Western style toilet trained,” then the answer is probably not….  In orphanages that do use potty chairs or ceramic pots for toilet training, many staff will say that a child is “potty trained” when what they mean is that all the children are lined up on potties several times a day. They might sit there for an hour at a time starting at a very young age, and during that time they happen to “go.” Scheduled potty time in Chinese orphanages is common, but that doesn’t always equate to a toddler being able to tell a new parent when he or she needs to use the bathroom, and so don’t get frustrated when there are accidents.”  (underlines are mine)

This practice is certainly not limited to China.  For example, it’s the usual for children being adopted from East European countries, India and some African countries as well.

East Europe

Aside from the short-term issues (like helping a child acclimate to Western style toilets or managing parental expectations) there are sometimes long-term effects as well.   In some cases this type of “toilet training” causes the child to fear elimination and toileting.  Aside from the obvious signs of fear related to toileting, children will sometimes withhold urine or feces which can lead to physical complications, which in turn can start a cycle of fear, withholding and physical impact that can be hard to break.

Children who have spent time in less than optimal care (like and orphanage) often have a great need to control their environment.  And, what better area of life to control than pottying?  I mean, no one can truly make a child put their potty in the toilet short of abuse!

Add to these potential issues the fact that children who have spent time in less than optimal care also usually lag behind in one or more areas of development and there is huge potential for potty problems!

So, how do you know if you’re dealing with short term potty training issues or more long-term concerns?  That’s a big question and we’ve started to address it in our course Transitions, Developmental Challenges or Just Regular Kid Stuff???   Although this is a recorded course now, it was given in a webinar format a couple of years ago.  While many different behaviors were addressed, toilet training was one that was always raised in these live webinars!

Whether potty problems are stemming from fear, uncertainty, transitions, a need to control or a lag in development, special parenting is needed.  Traditional toilet training strategies have the potential to backfire in a big way.  Parenting that gets at the underlying issue rather than the symptom is called for and discussed at length in Because They Waited and in Discipline: Managing Your Child’s Bid for Power.

Can Zip-a -Dee-Doo-Dah Change Eeyore? Using music to chip away at your child’s negative worldview.

April 2, 2012

Which is more powerful, a negative worldview or music?   Don’t count music out too fast.  Research has long shown that music can have a dramatic impact on body and mind.  While I can’t say that music  is capable alone of changing a negative worldview, I do know that for my family it makes a big difference for children and parents alike.

One of the effects of a neglectful, abusive, and/or traumatic beginning in life is that it often leaves a child with a darkened worldview.  We interpret and make sense of our world through our experiences, and when our experiences are largely negative it only makes sense that our view of the world in general would be negative as well.

Parenting  a child who looks at the world like the Winnie the Pooh character Eeyore can be  frustrating and depressing.  It can seem as if no matter what you do your child is still unhappy and gloomy.  That’s because worldviews are not changed with motivational speeches, lecturing, nagging, or  reminding a child how lucky he or she is.  Worldviews do not change instantly just because the child is placed in a better situation. Worldviews are changed slowly and methodically over long periods of  time.  Only after millions and millions of cycles of need are completed for the child  can  these new more positive experiences begin to also impact that  child’s worldview.  Even then, a child’s worldview doesn’t often change dramatically.  I think it is more common to see a subtle lightening of a child’s worldview and hopefully  a continued lightening over time.

Years ago music became a sanity saver in terms of helping me stay upbeat while battling my oldest child’s sometimes gloomy outlook.  I took to singing her rousing choruses of  “Oh What a Beautiful Morning” and “Zip- a -Dee- Do -Dah” as we were waking up each morning.  These off key silly moments were as much for my sanity and centering as they were for her.  But I really do believe now that they also helped  to chip away at that Eeyore-like outlook.  She is in her 20’s  now and when she was home visiting recently she gave me a morning hug and broke into our “Oh What a Beautiful Morning.” song.  So if nothing else, it is a fond memory for her.

My two youngest kids are teens now and reminding  me indirectly  that just  being a teenager can weigh heavily on one’s worldview.  Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive and upbeat as a teen in our society.  So I’ve decided to break out some morning music again.  I made a morning play list and this weekend  happy wake up music became part  the Drew family breakfast again.  I do believe over time  it will chip away just a bit at those challenging teen worldviews and if nothing else, it will help me to start each day off on the right foot instead of getting sucked into their grumpy.

Thought you might enjoy a peek at my list.  I’d love to hear what music  inspires your family.

I think this first song started everyday of my oldest child’s first grade year:

My mom and dad used to sing this one to me when I was  small and this is the one my daughter most remembers us singing in the mornings:

Good Day Sunshine, Beatles

A Beautiful Morning, The Rascals

Three Little Birds, Bob Marley

Ok I admit it, my kids were kind of rolling their eyes at my breakfast music this weekend UNTIL this one came on and then they burst out laughing!

Because of James Brown I was given a reprieve on eye rolling for John Denver.  And I’m sorry but who can’t feel just a little happy listening to this….

More Beatles.  You can’t really go wrong there.

Classic….Cat Stevens

Classic ….James Taylor

Feeling Good, Nina Simone

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Sending Parental Messages of Unconditional Love

February 14, 2012

I  thought this day was a perfect chance to remind ourselves  about the importance of sending messages of unconditional love to our children.   In my house we like to say, “Good days, bad days, happy days, sad days, I will always love you.”

Obviously each of us benefits from the security generated when we really know that despite our imperfections we are truly  loved.  For children who began life in less than optimal care and who waited for a  family the message of unconditional love is even more crucial.

Unfortunately, sometimes kids behaviors, especially the  behaviors that can stem from trauma, loss, attachment strain, etc.  are challenging to manage.  It is not uncommon for adoptive parents (and all parents for that matter) to struggle to address negative behaviors while still sending messages of unconditional love.   Take the following example for instance.

Mom says,  “Bad boy!  We don’t throw toys!  Go to your room this instant!”

Message received by child:   I am  bad.  Mom  wants me to get away from her.  I am not lovable.

In order to send messages of unconditional love we have to be very conscious of the language we choose.  Let’s tweak the above example just a bit.

Mom says, “Bad choice!  Throwing toys is dangerous!    I’m going to put this up until you’ve calmed down.  Now come and sit by Mom.”

Message received by child:  Throwing toys is dangerous.  Mom won’t let me throw toys without interceding.  Mom helps  me when I’m upset.    Mom loves me even when I screw up.

Sounds simple but we all know how challenging it can be in the heat of parenting moments to choose the correct words and deliver them with a loving spirit.  I personally motivate myself by reminding myself regularly that I’m not doing this just to be nice or just to be positive.  I’m doing it because the science tells me that this is the kind of parenting that promotes attachment and nurtures emotional health.  One way I remind myself is by continuing to learn and read on the subject.  One author that particularly speaks to me on this subject is Gordon Neufeld.  He  writes,

 “Unconditional parental love is the indispensable nutrient for the child’s healthy emotional growth.   The first task is to create space in that child’s heart of the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love.  She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love- in fact, she cannot do anything, since that love cannot be won or lost.  It is not conditional.  It is just there regardless of which side the child is acting from – ‘good’ or ‘bad.’  The child can be ornery, unpleasant, whiny , uncooperative, and plain rude and the parent still lets her feel loved.  Ways have to be found to convey the unacceptability of certain behaviors without making the child herself feel unaccepted.  She has to be able to bring her unrest, her least likable characteristics to the parent and still receive the parent’s absolutely satisfying, security –inducing unconditional love.”

Here’s hoping that this Valentine’s Day finds you enjoying the warmth of unconditional love yourself and inspired to keep sending that message to your kiddos.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Adoption and School: Why the classroom discipline plan often fails for our kids.

August 27, 2011

If you have seen the inside of an elementary classroom in the past 20 years you have probably seen this classroom management chart or some version of it.   You might be curious as to why this simple chart is the topic of today’s post.   What could it possibly have to do with adoptive families?  The truth is this chart (and other behavior modification tools) can have a large and sometimes negative  impact on our kids school experience.  So with school starting back up we wanted to take time to  talk about how these charts are used, why they can be a problem particularly for our kids, and what to do about it.

How the chart system works:
The  way this classroom management system works  is very simple.  Each child has a set of cards in the pocket chart.  Usually the cards are green, yellow and red symbolizing the go, warning, and stop signals of a traffic light.  Some teachers add an additional  black card.  Every day each child starts with their green card on top.  As the class moves through the day the teacher asks students who show undesirable behaviors or make poor choices to change their card color.

So seven year old Johnny starts the day with a green card on top,  but when he shouts out an answer without raising his hand the teacher asks him to change his top card to yellow.  Later when he turns in his math paper partially incomplete the teacher asks him to turn his card to red.   And finally when he pokes Sally in the arm with a freshly sharpened pencil she sends him to change the card to black.  Of course, landing on red or black usually means a note is sent home or a phone call is made to inform parents and to plan for better behavior.

Each school and individual teacher puts their own spin on the system.  For example, sometimes cards are only changed after several warnings.  Sometimes teachers have children fill out “think sheets” about their behavior when they change a card. Some teachers make individual plans with the parents of struggling students to give daily reports, and on and on.

So what is the problem with these charts and other behavior modification systems?
Sounds like a pretty simple system and I know a lot of teachers use it very successfully with typical kids.  So why would it be any different for a child who joined their family through adoption?  The key to the struggle is not actually about adoption, but instead about less than optimal care in the beginning of a child’s life, and how that care impacts the child’s ability to successfully navigate a behavior modification system like the color chart.

Many of our children waited in an orphanage, an abusive or neglectful birth home or were bounced from foster home to foster home prior to their adoption.  Research tells us that not having needs met in a timely, effective, and nurturing fashion over and over again early in life has an impact on a child’s brain development.   Often these children lag behind their peers in the development of brain based skills like cause and effect thinking, impulse control, self regulation, empathy and trust.

So lets go back to Johnny.  Let’s say his development of these skills is not that of a typical 7 year old because he spent the first 2 and ½ years of his life in an orphanage.  Does he have the impulse control to not shout out the answer?  Does he have the self regulation necessary to complete the math assignment without assistance?  Has empathy developed enough to think about how Sally will feel when she is poked?  Probably not.

But even more concerning is that our children who have experienced repeated cycles of unmet need are often lacking in trust, and children who lack trust usually have a strong need to control their environment.  When this is the case behavior modification systems like the color chart are almost certain to fail because the child is more motivated to control the environment than to get any reward that is offered.  In some cases children even seem to purposefully choose behaviors opposite of expectations;  their lack of trust and need to control leading them  to test the competency of their teacher.   It is as if they are saying, “Am I safe in this place?”  “Can you handle me?”  The behaviors are not usually  malicious but instead a sort of desperate  grasp at control.  Not surprisingly this type of  behavior is often misunderstood by teachers and school administrators, and sometimes results in a series of punishments that increase in intensity over time but never really seem to fix the behaviors.

What’s a parent to do?
So what as parents can we or should we do if this type of system is in place in our child’s classroom?   If behavior modification is being used in your child’s classroom and your child is successfully navigating it, obviously nothing needs to be done.  But if your child is struggling to behave in the classroom, is showing poor self regulation or impulse control, has to change their color over and over again for similar behaviors, or is showing signs of controlling the classroom through his or her misbehavior then it’s time  to advocate for your child and  her real  needs.  This means sitting down with the teacher and talking about why your child is struggling, and coming up with a plan to manage your child’s behaviors that will prove more successful.   To get ready for that talk check out this article with tips for talking to your child’s teacher.

And if you have completed the Because They Waited education system you will remember making a parenting plan that included discipline techniques that made sense given the science and research surrounding the adopted child.  We encourage techniques like pull close parenting, time in not time out, and more.  These techniques can be helpful to teachers too.   I’m reminded here of of one of Katie’s posts about time in at school.  Share examples like these with your child’s teacher.

The bottom line is that in order for our kids to be successful at school we need to continue to turn that cycle of need to completion at home thus building and shoring up those brain based skills.  We also need to help teachers understand why color charts (and other behavior mod techniques)   that work perfectly  for so many children, can be problematic  for the child who comes from a background of less than optimal care.  And finally, we need to partner with our child’s teacher to come up with effective ways to manage the sometimes difficult behaviors that kids struggling in these areas bring to the classroom.

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Floors, Parenting and Procrastination

June 29, 2011

I just finished one of my least favorite jobs–cleaning floors.  I don’t mind doing laundry, dishes, gardening, even cleaning toilets!  But I really hate sweeping, mopping and vacuuming.  I put it off, am grateful for our hardwood floor that hides stuff and curse the older kitchen floor that shows everything.  When I finally make myself get started and just do it, I realize that it’s really not that bad and am glad to have clean floors when it’s over.

Today as I finished the hated kitchen floor, it occurred to me that this same phenomenon happens with parenting sometimes, especially parenting kids who have needs that go beyond the typical.  Here are a few examples:

Establishing a parent as the primary caregiver.  It’s hard to shuffle work schedules, put a career on hold, change jobs or start working from home.  It’s also hard to settle into change of pace and meet the new demands (and yes, sometimes boredom) of doing the hard work of daily parenting.  But, we know it’s so worth it to be there building those important foundational pieces of brain development and accompanying skills like trust, cause and effect thinking, impulse control, empathy, the ability to self-regulate emotions, etc….   I have never met a parent yet who regretted putting in the extra time with their child, just like I’ve never met anyone who regrets having clean floors.

Starting AND MAINTAINING Time In.  I’ve talked to many parents in the 13+ yearss since we first started presenting the idea of “Time In” in our live seminars.  Once folks understand why it makes sense and that it really does establish parenting authority, competency and boundaries, they are anxious to put it into use in their homes.  It’s not much fun to get started and it takes self-discipline and a commitment to see the job through, but it’s so worth it in the end.  Much like cleaning floors, only doing Time In halfway just highlights the mess.

Utilizing professionals when necessary.  I don’t think any of us intend to avoid using professionals to help our families anymore than we intend to live in a pigsty and yet, when we put off actually making the appointment (or pulling out the broom!) in essence, that’s what happens.  Similarly, just as it’s not enough to pull the vacuum cleaner out and then not follow through actually vacuuming, it’s not enough to visit a professional and then not follow through *all the way* with a new parenting plan, therapy or other recommendations they have, provided they make sense given the research and what you know about your individual child.

Being proactive.  This is the first piece of the parenting plan we highlight in Because They Waited.  It is so, so important!  Picture a small sticky spot on the floor.  If not cleaned up, it gets tracked around, dirt and gunk sticks to it and before long it’s just a bigger mess!   Same goes with issues that our kids have.  Most kids don’t come home severely impacted by their early months or years in less than optimal care–they come home with mild to moderate effects.  And yet, if we procrastinate parenting to those issues in a concerted manner, those issues usually just get bigger.  The look of them may change, but it’s often the same core issue just making a bigger mess.

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Using “Think Alouds” to Model Problem Solving

May 18, 2011

Last night my dear sister was over helping my 15 year old with her algebra.    Although not a teacher professionally my sister is a natural educator.  I found myself smiling at all of the “think alouds” that came up during the homework session.   For those of you who are not teachers, and might not be familiar with this technique, a think aloud is when a teacher briefly interrupts his or her formal instruction in order to share their thought process with students. Last night it sounded like this:

“You know when I see a problem like this without the equals sign I automatically think…..”

“Oh wait a minute….I’m thinking now this one looks like…”

“So whenever I see this sign  I think about how I need to….”

“Oh….. I see where you went wrong.  It’s  right here.  You know whenever I come to that part I automatically  think…

These think alouds were very valuable to my daughter’s understanding of the problem solving process.  They took the learning beyond just getting the correct answer and on to the much more important goal of understanding the logical process of solving ANY problem.

Think alouds can be an important parenting tool as well, especially for parents working with kids who have extra challenges.    They have a way of making the invisible act of decision making visible to the child.

Here are some parenting examples of think alouds.
From a dad of  a child who has  problems with anger:   “I’m feeling really irritated with my boss right now!  I actually would like to give him a piece of my mind when he calls back in a minute but I’m thinking that could end badly.  (laugh)  I’m also thinking I need to cool off.  Excuse me for a moment, son.  I’m going out on the deck to clear my head before he calls back.”

Mom of the child who tends to hoard or gorge food:   “I’m thinking about another piece of watermelon.  It tastes sooooo good and it is almost gone.  There won’t be any tomorrow.  But you know I think I will wait.  After all we will have more watermelon next week and I don’t want a stomach ache!”

Parent of child with anxiety issues :  (while driving)  “You know it’s funny.  Merging in traffic like this always makes me feel anxious.  I’m thinking about focusing on the road and breathing.

And again after merge:  “Whew!  Breathing and focusing doesn’t take that feeling all the way away, but it sure helps!”

Think alouds are like narrating  while you model the behavior you want your child to learn.  They can also be  a chance for your child to learn while they themselves are not in a difficult or challenging situation.    So next time you find yourself modeling positive behavior, make yourself a “supermodel” and think out loud!

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Determining School Readiness

May 6, 2011

... she has also felt a little nervous and uncertain.

Tuesday my baby went to kindergarten… admittedly, just for 1/2 hour (it was Buddy Day and next year’s kindergarteners went for a visit) but this is a big step for both of us!  Olivia has been home with me for the past 5+ years and when people ask her what school/preschool she is in she has taken to saying, “I skipped right over preschool and am landing in kindergarten!”   She has always seen her big brother and other neighborhood kids go to school and has been excited about her turn to start school.

And yet….

… over the past several weeks of gathering and turning in paperwork and getting ready for her visit to kindergarten, she has also felt nervous and uncertain.

The morning before her visit, this came out as a weird sort of “mad and sassy”, which is pretty unusual for her.  While there was no mistaking the sassy talk, it took me a minute to figure out if she was just joking or if something else was going on.   Well, it definitely was the latter.  When I pulled her into my lap and suggested that maybe her words were mad, but she might actually be feeling something else, one of the others in “mad, sad, glad or scared”, the facade broke and she cried a little and said she was scared and “concerned” about going to school.

When I told my dear husband about this, he immediately started to worry, went straight into fix-it-mode and said, “Oh no!  Maybe we should find some sort of preschool for her so that she can get used to it and be ready for kindergarten.”

I know that my husband isn’t the only parent to worry about kindergarten readiness. (Families adopting older children have similar concerns about school in general)  Others also jump to the same solution–send them to preschool to get practiced up and “ready” for real school.  In fact, the idea that preschool is needed for kindergarten readiness is so pervasive in our society that it’s fast becoming perceived as “real school”.

Now, my purpose here is not to bash preschool.  I think a well-done preschool can be a great experience for kids and parents, but I don’t think that it’s a necessary experience for children who are in a nurturing, engaged environment anyway.  The skills that one needs to be successful in school are actually not learned in a group situation.   We know that things like security (trust), impulse control, keeping (or getting) oneself calm, empathy for others, etc… are brain based skills learned through one-on-one responsive caregiving from a primary caregiver.  This is something Julie and I have been preaching for years now…  If you’ve taken part in the Because They Waited system, our other recorded courses or webinars, you’ll know that we base all of our own parenting and our education for parents on this piece of brain development science.

The truth is that if children learn these skills from being in a group of peers, children coming home from orphanage would be the best socialized and the most ready for school!  But of course, we know this isn’t the case.

But I digress… the point I wanted to make about my husband’s conclusion that Olivia might not be ready for kindergarten based on the fact that she was nervous is a jump that lots of parents make, but isn’t really true.  Feeling nervous before a new situation is completely normal for anyone, but especially for a child experiencing her first bit life change!   Sometimes I think that we place even greater expectations on our children than we do ourselves or other adults.

Imagine you have a friend who is talking to you about starting a new job.  She loves her old job, it’s been great, but now she’s ready for a different experience and has landed a job will be great for her, only she’s feeling nervous about making the switch.  Would you counsel her to stay where she is?  To find a different job to practice at before taking on this new job?  Or would you encourage her to look at and remember that she is ready and equipped for this change that will bring new joys and challenges to her life?  I think a similar approach makes sense for a child who is developmentally ready for  school, but who is nervous.

Of course, there are some children who truly aren’t ready for school.  Some children are truly scared or anxious as opposed to nervous.  The real question is what pieces of their development need some growth?  Usually, parents cite concerns with maturity, impulse control (ie–focus), security (trust), emotional self-reguation, behavior (speaks to all of these!) and the like.  It’s important to remember how a child develops these skills–not just because they grow older, but because of the brain building experiences they have every day with a primary caregiver.

Olivia and Her Daddy Going to Kindergarten Buddy Day!

The good news for us is that Olivia truly is just nervous and not scared of going to school.  She truly has the skills to go to school and be successful.  She was able to march in happily with her daddy, had a great time once she got into the classroom and because she has the skills, she found the experience to be very confidence building.

Thermometer or Thermostat?

April 18, 2011

Here’s a question:  In your home, are you a thermometer or a thermostat?

Think about times of emotional stress in your home:

Do you heat up in measure to the intensity of the behavior, emotion, situation?

Or, do you take stock of how "hot it is" and then actively do something to "lower the heat" in your home?

We all want to be thermostats!  Do you know how to be one?  We’d love to share some of our ideas with you through our courses and webinars.  We would love to hear back from you, too.

What is your best tip for being a thermostat instead of a thermometer?  Visit our Facebook page to share your best idea and to see what others are saying.

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Discipline: “We’re in this together!”

March 25, 2011

Katie’s “The Best Way to Struggle” post got me thinking about discipline responses and how the words we choose when interacting with our kids can help us to “struggle together” or “struggle against” our child.  I think responses that help us “struggle together”  towards success have some common elements.

  1. They are focused on the present and future.
  2. They are stated as positively as possible
  3. They include  some action (big or small) on the parent’s  part.

Here’s one example:

You never pick up your clothes!  Every day the pile gets higher!”  (Focuses on the past and = struggling against your child.)

Your room is a mess.”  (Focuses on the present and might be true, but isn’t very positive, doesn’t look to the future, and lacks action.)

Let’s get started on cleaning up your room.  We are both going to feel better when it is done.”  (Focuses on the present and future, and is positively stated.   This one for me = joining the struggle with my child to help them succeed.)

and another:

Isn’t your homework done yet?  What on earth have you been doing?”  (past and negative)

You are still working on your homework?!”  (present and negative)

You’re not as far along as I thought you’d be.  Let’s move to the  kitchen with that so I can help you get back on track while I make dinner.”  (This one is focused on present and future, is positively stated and includes an action.)

and one more…

“You have been whining all day!”  (past and negative)

“Stop whining!”  (present and negative—This one also sets  up a power struggle because we really can not make a child stop whining.)

“You are having a rough day!  Come walk close to me so I can help you. “ (present and future  focused, positive and includes action)

I’m trying this myself and have to say it’s a challenge (at least for me) to stay out of the past!  Give it a try yourself  during your parenting interactions today.  Listen to yourself as you interact with your child.  Do the words you choose help to create a spirit of “we’re in this together” or do they encourage more of a  “it’s me against you” feeling?

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When Mom is Mad: Thinking About Anger Management for Adoptive Parents

February 28, 2011

Every parent has been there at some point… that place where the sometimes stressful complications of family life suddenly get the best of you, and you momentarily change from a reasonable, functioning and nurturing mom or dad into a ball of fury, frustration or despair.    Let’s face it.  Parenting is not only rewarding and thrilling it is also demanding and difficult.   All parents can benefit from  learning about anger management and positive parenting.  It is even more crucial for adoptive parents (particularly those who are parenting children who started life in less than optimal circumstances) to explore these topics.

Katie and I have ended up in several conversations lately about “mad moms.”  We keep hearing from or about adoptive parents (in our examples moms but it could be either moms or dads) who are dealing with difficult behaviors in their adopted child and are responding to that child with anger.   While we certainly can identify with the difficulties facing these parents (having been there ourselves) my blog today is spurred from a larger concern.  I’m afraid that because these kiddos’ behaviors can be so challenging it often times leads adoptive parents to lose sight of the bigger picture and to visit that “ball of fury, frustration or despair” moment all too often.  And when that moment becomes the norm instead of the exception no one in the family benefits.  The child stays stuck where they are emotionally and developmentally or gets worse and the parent becomes even more distressed and challenged to make good parenting decisions.

Optimally we want parents focusing on meeting the child’s needs, moving them to a healthier place on the attachment continuum and building brain based skills like cause and effect thinking, impulse control, trust and empathy.  These are the things that ultimately will produce the desired behaviors in their children.  Punitive punishment and parent raging will likely only create more frustrating moments and build zero skills.   But that is easy to say and so very hard to do when you are in the parenting trenches with a child that has difficult behaviors.

So when is it ok to be mad at your child and what do you do about it?   OK wait a minute.  A feeling is a feeling.  Right?  I mean you can’t help it if you feel mad.  Can you?  It is not  a “right” or “wrong” kind of thing really.  Is it?  Well yes and no.  Katie has been known to quip, “You wouldn’t get mad a child with only one leg because he couldn’t win the three legged race,”  reminding us that if a child does not possess the skills and abilities necessary to behave in a certain way it doesn’t make sense to be mad at that child or respond in anger.

Anger management strategies suggest that when a parent stops in those difficult moments and asks themselves a few key questions it can have a major impact on what happens next.

Questions like:  Am I mad at my child, myself, someone else, or is this a case where there is really no one to be mad at?

The self reflection might go something like this:

I’m tired of my child’s temper tantrum and raging but mad doesn’t make sense since this child does not yet have impulse control and is struggling with attachment and unresolved trauma.  Of course she is having temper tantrums.  Maybe I’m not mad.  A more accurate word might be weary or defeated.  Maybe I’m even scared.  What if these tantrums don’t end?

Or this:

My child just purposefully wet her pants after refusing to use the bathroom before we left home.  It sure feels like I’m mad at my child.  But maybe there is actually no one to be mad at.  After all I know this child has control issues stemming from her years in care and challenges with attachment.  I also know that toileting issues are classic struggles for children with control issues.  It doesn’t make sense to be mad at her for this issue.  But I sure am tired of wet pants and frustrated with dealing with this problem.

It’s important that parents take time to reflect on their feelings before they act because people who are not skilled at correctly identifying their own feelings often choose counterproductive responses to their feelings.  For parents who routinely identify their feeling as “mad” this might look like:

Labeling their child…….”He’s hostile. ”   “She’s unmanageable.”  “He’s selfish.”

Commanding their child……. “Shut up!”  “Be quiet.”  “Sit!”  “Move!”

Name calling…….” You brat!”  “Don’t be a baby!”  “You’re a pain!”

Sarcasm…….”Well I can see we are going to have a wonderful day!” (response to tantrum)

If you see yourself in these responses take time to self reflect about the behaviors  that are prompting this response in you, what the root causes of those behaviors are, what your real feelings are relating to that behavior, and what a productive response to that behavior would be.

And beyond that make sure that you are getting your own needs met.  Do you have someone to talk to that understands the trials and joys of parenting the child who has waited?  If not seek that person out.  Taking care of yourself  is no longer a luxury.  Your child needs you to be healthy so that you can continue to meet their needs.

I’ll be blogging more about this in the coming weeks and Katie and I are tossing around the idea of a webinar that addresses this topic further, but for now we would love to hear your thoughts and the  strategies that you use to keep a calm head in the face of parenting storms.

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Bloodlines – Review // An Addiction I Don’t Mind Having

Bloodlines by Richelle Mead
Book 1 in the Bloodlines series
Genre: YA urban fantasy, paranormal, mystery
Pages: 421
Format: paperback
Source: bought
Goodreads | Amazon | Book Depository

plot: 20/20
characters: 20/20
setting: 20/20
relationships: 20/20
twists: 20/20

After finishing off the Vampire Academy series a few days ago, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I read all six books in about three months, and I had this one ready. I went into it expecting a fun read and wonderful return to the world I’d come to love, and honestly was blown away. While I’m not sure it’s possible for me to love this series more than VA, Bloodlines was an amazing first book and showed me just how much potential the other five have. 🙂

the plot

After the roller-coaster ride I went on with Rose, I wasn’t sure what Sydney and the Alchemists could offer that would hook me. I didn’t read the Goodreads summary because sometimes too much is given away (Shadow Kiss is a great example), so I was basically clueless when I started reading. Some might say that the first half of this book was lacking, just like in VA. And while I can agree that the slower pacing does occur in the beginning half of both books, I like to think that Richelle takes that time to introduce the characters and allow readers to re-immerse themselves in the world she’s created. Also, the second half was when everything really went down, just like in the first VA book. (Okay, I’m going to try to stop comparing the two.) I was hooked, with no chance of getting free, and that’s how I ended up speeding through the last 220 pages yesterday, even with school. I wanted to know what happened next, and who was behind what, and how everything would turn out. This seems to happen every time I pick up a book Richelle wrote, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just addicted to her writing. 😀

the characters

Some of the reviews I’ve seen on Goodreads have complained that Sydney isn’t as cool as Rose, and because of that they didn’t enjoy the book. That’s totally fine, I respect that. But personally, I went into this expecting and hoping for differences. I know Sydney won’t be another Rose, and I don’t want her to be. She’s a different girl in a different series with a different personality, and I think that’s the way it should be. I’ve had amazing adventures with Rose, and now I’m finding out what Sydney has to offer. She’s an awesome character, and I really like her. She’s constantly at war with herself, wondering whether what she does would be accepted or criticized by the Alchemists, a group of humans that know about and conceal the vampire world from other humans. She’s been raised strictly and with very little freedom, and she’s trying to be herself but also be who she’s expected to be. I think what I liked most about her is that even though the Alchemists brought her up to be cold and disgusted toward vampires, she isn’t. Yes, she is afraid of them, maybe impractically, but as much as I’d like to say otherwise, I probably would be too. Despite that, she still treats them with kindness and respect. I admire that a lot, and can’t wait to see how she develops as the series progresses. 🙂

If you read VA and loved Adrian (I think we all did), then you’ll love this book. I consider him the other main character of this series, and I’m so glad he finally gets a turn in the spotlight. He remains the same carefree, snarky guy readers are familiar with, but we also see him in a more vulnerable, dejected manner. The end of Last Sacrifice gave us closure regarding everyone important except him, and now we see just how badly he was hurt. It was sad to see one of my favorite characters like that, but I’m hopeful he’ll pull through. I loved how complex he was, and that, like I’ve mentioned, there was so much more to him than just a wild party boy. 🙂

the setting

In this book Sydney and Adrian accompany Jill to Amberwood Prep, a human boarding school in Palm Springs, California. Well, Adrian doesn’t go to the school, but he does go to California. You get what I mean. That aside, other areas around Palm Springs and Los Angeles are visited as well, and I enjoyed the descriptions. It was nicely balanced: not a lot, but just enough to satisfy my curiosity. (I’m not sure why this section is hard for me, but it is. Moving on.)

the relationships

I really enjoyed the friendship Sydney developed with Jill, Eddie, and Adrian. It took a lot of courage on her part, but I think the result was worth it. She had a casual, almost sister-like bond with Jill and Eddie, and I liked it. It seemed especially like something in a family since they were almost always disagreeing about something. XD I think my favorite connection was between Sydney and Adrian. I loved their banter, and the way they gradually went from irritating to understanding each other. There wasn’t any romance in this book, but I think the end definitely set up the possibility for something to happen. I also think a relationship between them would be both cute and humorous to experience, considering they’re pretty different. Either way, though, I’m excited to see if it works out for them! 😉

the twists

In the first half of the book, there was really only one thing that surprised me. In the second, a lot of things did. Once I reached the halfway point, I had no desire to stop reading. I had questions, and I needed answers* like I needed air. Who was behind this? What was causing that? Was he involved? What about her? I had essentially no idea what was happening or would happen at any point in the last 200 pages. After the experiences I had with VA, I’m only expecting the ride to get crazier from here. I mean, the ending wasn’t a serious cliffhanger, but it left me with a fair amount of feelings and questions, so I’m definitely expecting heartbreak later. >.<

* Ask ’em my questions, and get some answers! What’s a fire, and why does it – what’s the word? – burn? [crescendo] Yes, I did just reference The Little Mermaid. No, I don’t regret it. Yes, I’m a nerd. 😛

All in all, Bloodlines was a great start to a series that I now know has a ton of potential! I can’t wait to see where the story goes next, and I’ll be eagerly awaiting a chance to read the next book, The Golden Lily. If you’ve read VA and aren’t sure if this one is worth it, I’d say give it a shot! 😀

my rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Have you read this book? Is it on your TBR? If you have read it, what did you think? I’d love to know! Tell me in the comments! 🙂

I’m off to start P.S. I Still Love You by Jenny Han. It’s due back to the library tomorrow, so I have some binge-reading to do! 😉 I hope you all have a fabulous day/night! ❤

Until next time…

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Ciara wants to set the record straight, she recently told Honey magazine that she did not jack Bey’s style.

Check out what Ciara had to say:

For the ones that have something negative to say? They must have really enjoyed it that much to go and nitpick it, because it’s something they pulled up and was like, “Yo!” There were a couple of things in there that I’ve never seen. I think that it’s important for us as artists to be original and to create something new, so it would be really silly of me to go and create something you’ve already seen. So not one time were any of my references another artist.

Find out who Ciara shared a hotel with over the weekend.

My references were clearly inspired from shows that I’ve actually seen. It goes to show how creative we can be and how close the worlds are. I did my first video with my metal outfit. I was inspired by Thierry Mugler. Now, from my understanding, Beyonce is using Thierry Mugler for her tour. It just is what it is. It’s very petty to me. When people nitpick something and they say negative things, my response to that is they really must have liked it that much. That’s also the definition of a person having too much time on their hands to do nothing. That’s how I look at that.

Read the entire interview here.

Let’s take a look at the swagger jackin’ between these two divas:

Here’s the video jackin’– Ciara’s “Love, Sex, Magic”

vs. Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”

Let’s move on to the girls jackin’ each others style:

So there you have it, did Ciara jack Beyonce’s style? Tell us what you think.

Ciara covers Women’s Wear Daily.

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Rodney Bewes

Rodney Bewes died yesterday aged 79.

We last saw him, with a friend on the river at Goring in September, he had cancer but he was still enjoying his boat Cera, in the company of a friend.

Like Matthew Pinsent, I can see Rodney in Maurice – clapping each Henley crew as it came by.

Everyone on the river will miss him. I hope that he is with Daphne now. Our thoughts are with Joe, Tom, Daisy and Billy.

joe tom and Billy

About henry tapper

Founder of the Pension PlayPen, Director of First Actuarial, partner of Stella, father of Olly . I am the Pension Plowman
This entry was posted in pensions and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Rodney Bewes

  1. Adrian Furnell says:

    It would be nice if James Bolam went to the funeral despite their differences during his life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. George Kirrin says:

    Did you mean to forget Daisy Bewes, Henry? You only mention the triplets.

    Liked by 1 person

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Pembridge Minibus Service

The School runs a minibus service from Pembridge.
The pick-up points and departure times are as follows:
7.35am New Inn, Pembridge
7.40am White Swan, Eardisland
7.45am Stretford Bridge
7.55am Canon Pyon Bus Stop
8.30am Hereford Cathedral School

If you are interested in this service, or would like further information, please contact the Transport Co-ordinator, Molly Wilding, on 01432 363545 or email

You can also register your interest in this service by filling in our School Transport form


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Crysis 3 Review

Having been a long-time Crysis fan, I was practically foaming at the mouth while watching the announcement trailer for the third installment to the franchise. The game not only looked visually stunning, but it also seemed as though Crytek had finally gotten into their groove as far as game mechanics went. I anxiously waited through the long months preceding the game’s release and made sure to acquire a copy as soon as possible. My anticipation was rewarded because after playing the game, I can state with absolute certainty that this is likely the best entry into the series.

The story of Crysis 3 is not very close to that of Crysis 2, but at this point I’ve come to expect that. Crytek, though they’ve tried to keep a coherent plot together, has largely failed in that endeavor. Despite this short-coming, each game has had a terrific stand-alone story. Crysis 3 is no exception. Once more you take on the role of Prophet, the last remaining Nanosuit soldier and the only one who can stop both the CELL Corporation’s plans and the resurgence of the alien Ceph. The single-player campaign is excellently paced and features many references to the previous games, especially the first. Though it’s short – I think I blew through it in nine hours – that’s not a bad thing. Rather, it shows that Crytek is willing to tell a story through the game without the need to incessantly pad out the gameplay through meaningless missions and enemy-filled areas.

Don’t take this to mean that Crytek neglected the gameplay though, as it remained fantastic. Many fans disliked the rigidity of Crysis 2’s environments and limited tactical options,   and Crytek has listened and made missions that allow for numerous approaches, more room for vertical travel, and wide-open areas. These features keep you from getting stuck in what amounts to corridors full of enemies and adds to the replayability. Stealth and aggression are both viable tactics in the game, though it will require a mixture of the two to deal with both weakly-armored but numerous CELL forces and the vastly superior Ceph grunts. The Nanosuit’s capabilities have stayed largely the same from what they were in the second installment, with a few tweaks to the upgrading system that greatly improves upon its original iteration. Though only a handful of new weapons were introduced, they all are amazingly fun to play with. The Predator Bow in particular caught me by surprise. While I originally questioned the usefulness of a bow and arrow, its ability to be fired while cloaked, in addition to the explosive-tipped arrows, quelled any doubts I had. Crysis 3 also gives us the first opportunity to wield Ceph technology since the original Crysis, which is another callback that I greatly appreciate.

A hacking minigame has been added and gives the player incentives for holding up and taking their time when scanning an area. Turning off enemy mines with it is certainly worth using your scanner every once in a while, but there is nothing more satisfying than hacking a Ceph Pinger or Incinerator and watching it reduce its former comrades to shreds. Though in a few situations the minigame can be frustratingly difficult, especially when you’re trying to disable a turret while your cloak runs out, for the most part it’s employed well.

Missions themselves are also very entertaining. In particular is a piece where you find yourself alone in a field of tall grass being stalked by blade-armed Ceph soldiers while your motion-sensor is disabled. The sheer tension that Crytek is able to create through a scene like that speaks to their amazing ability to instill emotion in the player. This and other missions give Crysis 3 a campaign that doesn’t bog down and which keeps the player on their toes. The one beef I do have with it is the lack of any sort of boss battles scenes that the second game featured. Battling Pingers in Crysis 2 was an engaging and challenging experience, and their involvement in this game was noticeably lacking.

The visuals and graphics of the game are mind-blowing, as usual. Crytek has a history of making unconventional settings and this game is no exception. New York City, the setting of Crysis 3, has become a veritable jungle due to the CELL’s influence. The strange mix of plant life and human structures lends a unique aesthetic to the game that is mirrored nowhere else. This setup is done beautifully and lends itself to beautiful backdrops and uniquely interesting areas to explore. The small details really make the setting though, and I can’t count the number of times I got distracted from the mission to watch tiny frogs hop their way through the destroyed streets or to observe a field of tall grass swaying gently in the wind.

Vehicle sections return in Crysis 3, but unfortunately fall far short of their brilliance in the first game. We’re treated to a few segments of driving a CELL dune buggy around a battlefield and can man an ICV later in the game, but for the most part the controls are clunky and unresponsive, leading you to crash your ride more often than not. The sole flying segment is basically an on-rails shooting gallery, removing the player’s ability to control what they do and serving up targets to shoot at. Not only is this a far cry from the flight section in the original Crysis, each enemy gunship only sticks around for about two seconds before you’re punished for missing the shot. Without a doubt, it was the weakest section of the game – thankfully it was short.

Multiplayer was never one of the main reasons I bought Crysis for, but Crytek has finally gotten it right. Matchmaking and kit setup is fast and the game modes themselves are fresh experiences. Of especial note is the new Hunter mode, which pits a pair of Nanosuited soldiers against a larger group of ordinary CELL operatives. The tension of being stalked by invisible enemies greatly enhances the experience and there is no more nerve-wracking moment than hearing your whole team get picked off by invisible assassin. On the other hand, executing a well-timed kill on an unsuspecting CELL soldier, while playing as a hunter, is immensely rewarding and truly makes you feel powerful. Crysis 3’s multiplayer doesn’t come close to the popularity that Call of Duty or Halo has, but it certainly shows its merits.

Despite a few shortcomings, Crysis 3 remains an outstanding game and one of the best in an increasingly stagnant genre. Call of Duty had better be taking notes.

Pros: Gorgeous visuals and audio, compelling, well-written story, excellent gameplay experience allowing for a myriad of tactics, interesting new weapons, vastly improved multiplayer experience.

Cons: Poor vehicle sections, few boss battles.


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Enlightening Commentary

The Weekend’s Shoot-o-Rahm-a

Posted on December 2, 2017

3 StoogesTommy Skilling said we were looking at the warmest weekend in six weeks with maybe a 6-handle on Sunday. Did that translate into extra stupidity? Not really…

Final Shoot-o-Rahm-a Tally: 4 killed, 21 wounded
2016 weekend tally: 7 killed, 28 wounded
2015 weekend tally: 4 killed, 22 wounded
2014 weekend tally: 3 killed, 25 wounded

Friday 12/1
12:30p 100 E 41st, Grand Boulevard, M/26
1:15p 300 S Campbell, Near West Side, M/22
2:30p 3600 W Jackson, Garfield Park, M/42
8:35p 400 W 38th, Bridgeport, M/?

11:50p 2800 S Harding, Little Village, F/31
Saturday 12/2
12:15a 3800 W Leland, Albany Park, M/28
3:55a 4700 W Wellington, Belmont Cragin, M/23
6:00a 3500 W Jackson, Garfield Park, M/47
11:00a 5800 S Indiana, Washington Park, Ma/36
1:15p 2600 N Long, Belmont Cragin, M/?
2:25p 1300 W 78th, Auburn Gresham, M/17
6:30p 5900 W Madison, Austin, M/14
6:30p 5900 W Madison, Austin, M/16
6:30p 5900 W Madison, Austin, M/16
7:15p 10500 S Edbrooke, Roseland, M/24
7:55p 7100 S Troy, Chicago Lawn, M/20
10:30p 3800 W Huron, Humboldt Park, M/25
Sunday 12/3
2:00a 5200 S Whipple, Gage Park, F/21
3:50a 100 111th, Roseland, M/21
11:30a 100 W 79th, Grand Crossing, M/23
2:10p 5000 S Winchester, New City, M/19
4:15p 2500 S Homan, Little Village, M/44
4:25p 7000 S State, Grand Crossing, F/19
7:40p 4500 S Hermitage, New City, M/22
11:10p 700 W 129th, West Pullman, M/18

Weekend = 12p Friday – 6a Monday


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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Been a busy weekend!

Our plans were canceled for the weekend so I (happily) spent time in my craft room making new cards! I'm planning on selling cards at my yard sale and a craft fair so I've been stocking up :)

Here's a few that I made this weekend - enjoy!

These are my adaptations of two thanksgiving ones and a birthday one I found on Pinterest:

This one was my version of the one I found on the "stampin by the sea" blog ... I like my "net" ribbon I made by fraying some ribbon.

Here are the others I came up with using the Chalk Talk set:

I have acquired way too much dsp over the years and I need to start using more!

The set below is this years "Ronald McDonald" set. A portion (I think it's $2) of every set sold goes to the Ronald McDonald charity. The set is called Tag It!

Thanks for looking! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Gods blessings to you and yours :)

- Holly

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

First banners :)

Well the first banner class took place Saturday and I never got around to postin the pics. The girls really enjoyed it and they'll be back next month for the "spooky banner".  Found out the best thing to use was hot glue, and if you tie a knot on both sides of the while the banner pieces don't curl.

Also want to shout out to any of my followers that are Pittsburgh Pirates fans! We got win number 82 tonight guaranteeing the first winning season in 21 years! Longest losing streak in ANY sport. Lets go Bucs!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

I had my yard sale this morning on the military base. Lots of traffic but no one interested in stamps! I had 55 homemade cards ready to buy too. The girl who set up shop beside me bought two sets for her mom and I gave her a card to send along... But I was so bummed. I had 8 girls sign up for my banner club (that starts in 2 hours!) and only 2 are coming.. So I took along next months spooky banner and the frame I made extra, and no one signed up :( not even for events and info... Had catalogs too.. man, people are missing out on this awesomeness!!

Oh well...

Cool news is I had a former demo give me a $60 order! So that was awesome! (She knew I was gonna be there...) she used to hold card classes at the base too and had too many girls bail on her. She had to stop being a demo because I that... Oh, to be a successful demonstrator not knowing if you'll be pending this quarter!

Here's my latest card. I made 6 of them last night to sell.

Monday, September 2, 2013

For Shelli...

As most of you ladies that follow SU! may have heard, Shelli Gardner the co-founder and CEO of Stampin' Up! was in a bad riding accident with her horse.  You can find the story on her blog. This is the card I made for her. She broke her collarbone, pelvis and right wrist in three places (wont be stamping now)... Long road to recovery ahead. Please lift her up in your prayers.

Hope you all had a great long weekend! Back to work tomorrow...


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Archive for the ‘housing first’ Category

Here’s an article that counters some of the attacks on Henrietta Hughes, a homeless woman who spoke at a town hall meeting that President Obama attended about a week ago.  The author “Cara” highlights the way that many people critical of social welfare focus solely on individual responsibility (even when virtually nothing is known about the person’s history) and neglect to examine the larger, systematic inequalities in our economy that impoverishes many people, like Hughes.  In addition, Hughes’ statement highlights the primary need of homeless individuals: housing first.

Posted by Cara, Feministe at 8:58 AM on February 16, 2009.

For those who have not heard of Henrietta Hughes, she is a homeless woman who stood up at a town hall meeting and told Barack Obama that she is unemployed and has been forced her to live in her car.  She further pleaded with the president to do something to ensure that people like her had housing:

“I have an urgent need, unemployment and homelessness, a very small vehicle for my family and I to live in,” she said. “The housing authority has two years’ waiting lists, and we need something more than the vehicle and the parks to go to. We need our own kitchen and our own bathroom. Please help.”

Now, Michelle Malkin has decided to publicly mock her with taunts like “If she had more time, she probably would have remembered to ask Obama to fill up her gas tank, too.”  She then went on to say:

Hughes didn’t explain the cause of her financial turmoil. Obama didn’t ask. And if we conservatives dare to question the circumstances — and the underlying assumption that it is government’s (that is, taxpayers’) role to bail her out — we’ll be lambasted as cruel haters of the downtrodden.

[. . .]

Well, pardon my unbending belief in fairness and personal responsibility, but why should my tax dollars go to feed the housing entitlement beast?

Indeed, why should housing be considered a right?  After all, what does my housing say about my personal class status and how much better I am than other people, if there aren’t those other people out there who don’t have a place to live at all?

The worst part is that Malkin isn’t alone.  From Limbaugh falsely saying that Hughes “ask[ed] for a car” to others claiming that Hughes is “milking the system,” there’s no shortage of people who want to bring down the woman who had the potential to a far more sympathetic Joe the Plumber — an everyday American who is actually negatively affected by the economic policies of our government.

And they can get away with it!  I just, honestly, do not understand.  Are people like Malkin really so privileged and entitled themselves that they just do not comprehend the very concept of housing not owned by the person living in it — and that therefore “I need a place to live” does not equal “buy me a new house, please” — or do they just really think that no, if you’re not as fortunate as the rest of us, you really do deserve to live on the street, and as a neighbor I have absolutely no responsibility for what happens to you?

On second thought, I don’t know that I want the answer to that.

Via Womanist Musings

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In honor of Veterans’ Day, here is an article on CNN.com about how Pathways to Housing, a Housing First program that is ending veteran homelessness in New York City. More behind the jump.

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Philip Mangano, Executive Director of the US Interagency Council on Homelessness, came to Buffalo on Tuesday to give a keynote speech at the Ending Homelessness symposium sponsored by the WNY Coalition for the Homeless and the Homeless Alliance. The Buffalo News reports behind the jump. (more…)

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The Homeless Alliance and the WNY Coalition for the Homeless, in collaboration with the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, is proud to present a day-long symposium entitled Ending Homelessness.

The symposium will take place on Tuesday, Sept 16th. from 8:30am-4:30pm.

Our Keynote Speaker is Philip F. Mangano, Executive Director, United States Interagency Council on Homelessness.

Breakout session topics will include
– homeless supportive services
– homeless housing funding
– accessing mainstream benefits
– implementing Housing First models
– preventing foreclosure
– grassroots economic development

This symposium is for executive directors, program directors, case managers, community advocates, policy makers, homeless housing and service providers, human service providers, homeless outreach workers, and community and faith-based organizations.

The symposium will take place at the Hyatt-Regency in Buffalo. Cost will be $45/person. Invitation and Registration Form will follow. Any inquiries should be directed to Irene Pijuan at 847-0655 x264.

Read Full Post »

Philadelphia Mayor Nutter and the Philadelphia Housing Authority have teamed up to provide 700 housing units and beds to address the needs of the city’s homeless population.

At a cost of $8.3 million, 500 PHA housing units will be given over to homeless populations, including 50 safe haven beds.

The exciting part of this effort is that it is being driven by the Mayor and the Public Housing Authority, both of which have committed significant funds to achieve the goal transitioning street homeless and homeless in shelters into permanent housing options. Mayoral buy-in, coupled with a commitment from the PHA, is a great joint effort to see.

This type of effort is clearly a model that we should try to incorporate here in Buffalo and Erie County.

Read the full article here.

Read the pdf version here.

Read Full Post »

Skid Row Encampments
Los Angeles’ Skid Row is well-known for its significant street homeless population concentrated in that area. A new plan is trying to change that. LA county supervisors have approved a $5.6 million plan to move 50 of those most in need on Skid Row into their own apartments employing a Housing First model. The top three on their list have already indicated that they want a home, making the argument that “the homeless choose to be homeless” a little harder to stick.

Read Full Post »

Massachusetts legislators are considering a $10 million dollar allocation of funds toward a project that will eliminate homelessness throughout the state. The projected plan, which utilizes a Housing First model, demonstrates a shift among state legislators from funding shelter model projects toward funding permanent housing models.

State officials have recognized the cost-effectiveness of permanent housing options.

Not only is Housing First a cost effective model, it is a just model. Click below to read the article. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »


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Archive for March, 2011

A Picture is Worth…

Posted in General, MMO, World of Warcraft on March 28, 2011 by Armada

Sometimes words just get in the way…

Our thanks to the The Daily Blink for today’s laugh

HFL Ranked Number 1 on Wyrmrest Accord

Posted in General, MMO, World of Warcraft on March 27, 2011 by Armada

A quick congrats to the members of the Horde for Life guild as we have maintained a server lead in both Guild Rank and Guild Achievement points for 5 months running. As you can see in the screen shot below from; HFL is one of only 4 server guilds to have reached level 21 (we should be level 22 on March 28) and leads all guilds with 1270 achievement points.

Wyrmrest Accord is certainly not a world leader in terms of progression and HFL is anything but a militant raid guild. That said it is still nice to see our members rally around this little meta game and position ourselves as the number one guild on our server regardless of faction.

Well done HFL!

Horde for Lifes # 1 ranking

The Top 3 World of Warcraft Raid Instances

Posted in General, MMO, Raiding, World of Warcraft on March 26, 2011 by Armada

MMO raids offer not only some of the most engaging mechanics, but generally the best artwork and detail that the game has to offer. The World of Warcraft is no different, but among the many raids that are available to us in game, three stand out as the most exceptional. The following offer an experience that all players casual and hardcore alike, should experience.

3. The Sunwell

Really a tough call here at number three and I wanted to take the easy route and just call it a tie between The Black Temple and The Sunwell as they both offer examples of the best artwork and mechanics the developers of the time could put in game. While my heart and favorable experiences (read not wiping as much) want me to say BT, I have to acknowledge that Sunwell has better textures, better and certainly tougher encounters and unlike black temple, the final boss fight was nearly as much of a letdown. Points for Illidan’s Warglaives but Sunwell is the all around better raid instance.

Kil Jaeden

No wonder this raid curb stomped so many teams at launch... look at him!

2. Karazhan

My former favorite raid of all time, Kara stills offers some of the most original encounters in the game. You can really feel the developer teams soul in this raid and despite its age, is still engaging and incredibly fun. Karazhan is a text book example of how to make a raid about more than gear. The Opera Event with the Wizard of Oz, Romeo and Juliet or Little Red Riding hood is the most creative of encounters and should not be missed while the Morose and Curator dialogue and voice work are exceptional. The amount of trash while heavy at times was not terrible, especially in relation to the raids of that expansion and era. Simply a great raid that screams for an update, Karazhan will always hold a special place in my gaming heart.

Gives you that Van Helsing vibe... right?

1. Ulduar

If loot is your raid objective and/or you joined the game late in the Wraith expansion, then Ulduar probably fell under your raid radar. I am simply amazed at how many people are in game right now that have NEVER seen or experienced the best example of raid art and mechanics in game. Epic in scope, diverse in its story; Ulduar truly offers the best raid experience, design and visuals Azeroth has to offer. While Flame Leviathan, the raids first encounter can get stale, the remainder of the encounter is epic and increasingly fun ending with Yogg Saron and Algalon encounters that are infinitely more enjoyable than the Lich King fight in Ice Crown Citadel.

The only negative to Ulduar is that the developer team decided to cut the raid off at the knees by introducing Trial of the Crusader prematurely and thus killing interest in Ulduar LONG before its time. As a result, many raiders never experienced this incredible raid. However despite its fate as a short lived end game raid, Ulduar still offers an experience like no other. Where else can you fight dragons, a fire and ice giant, an enormouse robot with the voice of a 5 year old, enter the brain of an old god and if you are lucky fight a celestial being that looks like a constellation and gives you a fancy title?!

Exactly… put it on your guilds calendar today.

Every step you take in Ulduar feels epic

Bringing Some Law to the PvP Wasteland

Posted in HFL, MMO, PvP, World of Warcraft on March 17, 2011 by Armada

Tonight we look at the darker side of the World of Warcraft, the wasteland known as the PVP server. Player versus player experiences have over the years become much less about faction war and battles for objectives and pride and instead have devolved into simple “lowbie gank-fests” and “corpse camping” by cowardly players whose only goal is to grief and cyber-bully another player.

Rarely are these encounters fair as the “griefers” simply prey on the weak; killing unsuspecting low-level players who stand no chance of survival. Most of these types of players are actually mediocre in terms of skill level and do not even want a fair fight. They rely on a superior and overwhelming advantage in terms of level variance and the act of sizing up their opponent to ensure that they hold a decisive and no risk advantage is as simple as reading their victims character level as it’s displayed in the interface.

Many players have called for restrictions in open world PvP combat based on level ranges as a way to stem the griefing. However, despite my disdain for this type of behavior, I will fight for the right to do it. Why you might ask? Because to remove that ability would rip at the core integrity of the PvP rule set. This is likely the reason that some form of restriction has not been put into place, after all you are welcome to play on a non PvP server and avoid this frustration.

However all is not lost, there is hope. There is one small, simple change Blizzard could consider. A change that would have an immediate impact and go a long way to reducing this dishonorable type of behavior. This change would work to remove the tell-tale sign and a tool used mostly by these cowardly players and would go actually enhance open world PvP for all players.

And what is the best way to hinder these griefers? Remove level display from opposing factions.

You already cannot talk to the other faction, why is that we can see their level? Trust me when I tell you this WOULD with zero doubt reduce ganking. We can argue about how much it would reduce this behavior and I will concede that it surely would not remove it 100% of the time, but then again that’s not the goal. In actuality, I fully support even if I disagree on the morals of, a player on a PvP server attacking whomever he or she chooses regardless of level. It is a PvP server for a reason and I believe that some players would embrace the change and enjoy the challenge of the unknown.

But think about it for a moment; a cowardly level 85 ganker might think twice if they CANNOT BE 100% SURE that they are ganking someone 50 levels below them by looking right at their level. Let me also add that any player who complains about this change I am proposing, any player who would flood the forums and trade chat shouting about how unfair the change would be… right their names down because THEY are those VERY same cowardly gankers.

No quality PvP player, even those that role play pure evil and practice low level ganks would object to this change. But those cowards who generally have a delusional and inflated sense of self-worth and PvP ability would be the only ones hurt by such a change. Their definition of PvP is to prey upon the weak and this change would add a sense of the unknown and some risk to the attacker in the encounter as it should be.

Make the change blizzard… remove the level display from opposing factions at least on PvP servers… bringing just a little law to what is the PvP wasteland.

Agree? Disagree? Be heard… email us at

Game Barriers – All Are Not Created Equal

Posted in General, HFL, MMO, PvP, World of Warcraft on March 5, 2011 by Armada

As we discussed recently on episode 6 of the Horde For Life Podcast, most of us recognize and accept that game barriers, that is to say intentional developer placed barriers to a given players advancement, are simply a necessary evil in today’s online gaming world.

Until such time that technology advances to a point where a developmental team can create grind free dynamic content at a pace that equals or exceeds a player ability to consume it, we will be saddled with this methodology to control and throttle the pace at which we advance on the treadmill.

So while we can agree that game barriers are here to stay at least for the foreseeable future, existing and new development teams must realize as we prepare to enter generation 3 of online gaming that grinds and obstacles are a very different means to the same end.

Obstacles will and probably should exist, but grinds… grinds should be stricken from the developer tool bag and from the online gaming worlds lexicon. The very definition of the word grind; laborious, repeating and/or uninteresting work should clearly identify what a blight this often used developer mechanic and methodology is upon the online gaming, MMO world. Simply put anything that is laborious should not be part of any game.

So just how different are obstacles and grinds? Let me give you just a few examples. Accumulating rep with well over 50 factions by wearing a designated tabard and running a dungeon ad nauseam is a grind.  Being forced to kill hundreds of trash mobs to reach a few bosses in a dungeon or raid is a grind. Going to a specific zone, say Sholazar Basin in the World of Warcraft and flying around in a circle for endless hours to gather Saronite is a grind. And not to be outdone, my personal favorite; being forced to acquire a “tier” set of gear to be competitive in either PvE or PvP only to find that by the time the average player acquires said gear, it becomes irrelevant and obsolete because the next tier is announced.

You will notice that many discussions that include the word “grind” also include the word “forced”. Grinds and obstacles may be required at this stage of MMO evolution but if the mechanic is forced, then it will be met with disdain. A common example of a non forced grind would be the option the player has to level via farming level appropriate mobs, often called “grinding out levels”. This is much more acceptable, because it is just one of many options the player has to level, it is not forced.

Obstacles on the other hand are an understandable if not welcomed barrier to pace the player. Obstacles are tolerable tools that developers have at their disposal to throttle the player, something that hinders progress but is generally not forced. A good example of an obstacle would be tougher instances, tougher boss fights, harder quests that yield better rewards or rep or both.

Most players would rather spend their time wiping on a boss encounter, learning the strategy, even if it means a few more wipes, as opposed to spending hours clearing a room from trash mobs.

The good news is that some developers, Blizzard is particular seems to understand this and is enacting change. All it takes to see this work in progress is a trip to Molten Core, the first Warcraft raid created in 2004 or Stratholme a launch dungeon. You will immediately notice the seemingly endless trash mobs. Imagine tackling these encounters at level 60.

Now take a trip to Grim Batol one of the Cataclysm dungeons, here you will notice that the players are presented with a vehicle mechanic where you are set out on top of a set of drakes for a trash mob bombing run. The better job you do at blasting these grind mobs, the fewer of them you have to actually vanquish on the way to the boss encounters. It is not perfect by any means but your enjoyment of the mechanic is not important in the larger view. What is important is the fact that Blizzard “gets it”. Blizzard knows that trash mobs serve no player purpose and is at least exploring options to reduce at least one of the many grinds that are unwanted staples of the online gaming world.

Now if Blizzard would just realize that all the many benefits that adding a wardrobe feature or appearance tab would improve, specifically when discussing another grind; gearing by tiers. But we will save that discussion for another time.


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2013 Canadian Folk Music Award Nominee – love affair with Rome

Diem Lafortune’s hard-won wisdom was eloquently showcased on her first CD, Beauty and Hard Times, a compelling and passionate work of art. The beauty – the richness and lushness of melody and arrangement, was powerfully combined with lyrics that probed deeply into Hard Times. Some of the themes Lafortune tackled with unflinching honesty in B&HT included: incremental fascism (“If They Take Us In The Morning”), the need for reparations for victimized Indigenous peoples and mother earth ( the searing “And On The Evidence”), the unconsidered effects of alcohol abuse (the haunting “Minuet For The Staircase Children”), stolen childhoods (“Where Are All The Children?”), and corporate greed (“Mr. Businessman’s Blues”). That latter song, a rousing blues-rocker, was written for her hard-working adoptive father Amedee who died within months of his retirement.
With the state of the world as it is now, Lafortune muses sadly: “I wish these songs weren’t timeless; I wish the world was where I’m at personally – healing, beauty, love… but sexism, racism all those things are rampant and I have to write with purpose and relevance about the not so great, damned rotten stuff too – that’s what artist’s do – we don’t get to pick and choose – no one else who is honest and feeling gets to pick and choose. I do it so I don’t blow up inside and hopefully it helps other people not blow up inside and keep loving and hoping too. The Occupy movement has never been so relevant”.
Lafortune continues to cover a wide swath of stylistic terrain – Acadian and Métis fiddle tunes, Nova Scotian pipes, prairie Cree drums, and the accordion and string-fuelled tunes of the Jews and Romany in Eastern Europe have all been integrated into Diem’s cosmopolitan sound. Her music is “quintessentially Canadian. It is hyphenated music. Everything is there. It doesn’t disappear, it combines. I feel my work represents an idealized version of what we think Canada should be about. My music reflects my identity. I’m an adoptee – my identity is a garden – I have bio-seeds deep in my blood and bones and the people who raised me had their deep blood-bone seeds and their seeds fell on me too. All these seeds can, and in my case did, receive water and sun from all their familiars and grew in my identity garden. I’d like to think we can honour and respect all the seeds that make us human. Leonard Peltier says we are all ordinary – I think he’s amazing. We are all ordinary and we are all capable of extraordinary things if we can love ourselves through all the stuff that tells us how we shouldn’t love ourselves.”
As a lyricist, Lafortune’s approach is “to write from the scar, not the wound. I journal in the morning and that comes from the wound. It is my therapy. But anything that will go out there, I write from the scar.” There is genuine poetry in Diem’s songs. For example, from the thirteen minute opera like epic “Mad Bastards’ Requiem and Resurrection Waltz”: “dysfunctionality’s just not passed on, like a carcinogenic it accumulates harm”; to “Sacred Love”‘s: “But if the winds, strong from the sea, should trash an cast us distant, and dash us ‘gainst the waves of time, for nothing I would miss this” ; and the silly yet political “Hot Kisses” – “I’ve got no need for fancy trends, I’ve got me some special friends, my fantasies are very clear – get your sweet lips over here!” Partner these lyrics with walls of voices, cellos, bagpipes, violins, trumpet/electric guitar-led melodies and expectantly, the results will be simply sublime.
Lafortune was raised in Toronto by an Acadian/Mi’kmaq man and Celtic woman. A long and painful search for her birth mother was a defining process in Diem’s life. After twenty-seven years on the Adoption Disclosure Registry’s waiting list, she learned her mother, Alice, had died of a drug overdose in 1973. Trained as a constitutional appellate lawyer, Lafortune used those skills to open adoption records. She put the arguments before the Supreme Court of Canada in 2008. “I’m on an orphan’s journey. Those of us who survive are very strong as we have to invent ourselves,” she explains. Lafortune won the war but lost her own personal battle – “but I know who my father is and have met him – he’s basically a sperm donor, so the idea that the state or any person should prohibit me from ever being able to look into the face of either of parent’s no longer haunts and outrages me. I’m also in the process of biting the bullet and paying to have get my own birth name back. It sucks and is a big contradiction but it’s an important step in taking back my power – not letting those who mock human dignity hold it over me any longer. I still bite the occasional nail and spit rust but will at some point fix this adoption law for once and for all”.
February of 2015 marked another defining moment for Lafortune when she was invited to teach at Centennial College. This provided her with an opportunity to leave the law behind and support her music and art with teaching – something she had always wanted to do. Here she was also able to bring her radical roots and passion for critical thinking and social justice together. Citing Noam Chomsky, Diem say: “Democracy requires an educated public – I’ve Indigenized my Global Citizenship course because that’s how I know/see things. I teach the Medicine Wheel – spiritual, emotional, physical and mental intelligence – they need to be in balance – in this world that can be hard.” Lafortune compares teaching critical thinking and living the “examined life” to singing and the breath-work that singing requires: “When I do breath-work with people I tell them to watch a baby breathe – they breathe with their whole body. Sadly, we live in a world where we get the breath punched out of us a lot – it can be hard to get it back.” Diem’s breath was knocked out in the 50s scoop – the first decade provincial child protection services were given the power over Indigenous communities.
Diem is excited to start working on her next CD – RED SOUL. She’s t4amed up with old and dear friend Bryant Didier as Technical Producer, and new friend and musical virtuoso, Thomas Hamilton as artistic producer. She will again sit in the executive producer chair. Tom and DM are working on the arrangements now and Diem is returning to working with the piano – she stopped her formal studies at the grade ten level just before her twelfth birthday. They are aiming for a September 2017 release. This CD will lay claim to her reputation as a soul singer – something that made her an understandably difficult fit in the “folk” category. She will continue to address the social issues bringing her critical edge to everything from violence against women to the “great Mystery” to some powerful songs and views on love, commitment, loyalty and magic. All of this wrapped in DM’s prophetic story-telling style.
See Bryant Didier @


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The Flow of Power – Online vs Offline

The Flow of Power – Online vs Offline

The physical world and online world in a massive way when it comes to the flow of power.

From the Exponent podcast about podcasting and centralization:

In the offline world, power flows from controlling supply.

In the online world, power flows from controlling demand.

It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a massive difference worth understanding.

Until the real estate industry understands how power flows in the online world and counters with differentiated buyer solutions not currently available/possible, you’ll be dependent on Zillow’s of the world. It’s easy to figure out the future winners of this industry; follow those that satisfy untapped buyer demand.

For those who want to increase your leverage, ask yourself, “what can I do/build to generate demand?

A few ideas:

  • A marketplace of public CMAs.(more)
  • A private/trusted pocket listings marketplace. (more)
  • Give buyers access to trusted knowledge/answers from real estate experts — without giving up their contact information. (more)

About Drew Meyers

Founder of Geek Estate Blog. Zillow Alum. Travel addict & co-founder of Horizon. Product & Marketing for 360modern. Social entrepreneurship & microfinance advocate. Fan of Red Hot Chili Peppers and Kiva.

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Document Type

Journal Article

Publication Date

Volume 8, Issue 7

Inclusive Pages

Article number e-66617

Dystrophin--genetics; Lansoprazole--pharmacology; Muscle Strength--drug effects; Muscle, Skeletal--drug effects; Muscular Dystrophy, Animal--drug therapy; Proton Pump Inhibitors--pharmacology

In Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD), loss of the membrane stabilizing protein dystrophin results in myofiber damage. Microinjury to dystrophic myofibers also causes secondary imbalances in sarcolemmic ion permeability and resting membrane potential, which modifies excitation-contraction coupling and increases proinflammatory/apoptotic signaling cascades. Although glucocorticoids remain the standard of care for the treatment of DMD, there is a need to investigate the efficacy of other pharmacological agents targeting the involvement of imbalances in ion flux on dystrophic pathology.

Methodology/Principal Findings

We designed a preclinical trial to investigate the effects of lansoprazole (LANZO) administration, a proton pump inhibitor, on the dystrophic muscle phenotype in dystrophin deficient (mdx) mice. Eight to ten week-old female mice were assigned to one of four treatment groups (n = 12 per group): (1) vehicle control; (2) 5 mg/kg/day LANZO; (3) 5 mg/kg/day prednisolone; and (4) combined treatment of 5 mg/kg/day prednisolone (PRED) and 5 mg/kg/day LANZO. Treatment was administered orally 5 d/wk for 3 months. At the end of the study, behavioral (Digiscan) and functional outcomes (grip strength and Rotarod) were assessed prior to sacrifice. After sacrifice, body, tissue and organ masses, muscle histology,in vitro muscle force, and creatine kinase levels were measured. Mice in the combined treatment groups displayed significant reductions in the number of degenerating muscle fibers and number of inflammatory foci per muscle field relative to vehicle control. Additionally, mice in the combined treatment group displayed less of a decline in normalized forelimb and hindlimb grip strength and declines in in vitro EDL force after repeated eccentric contractions.

Together our findings suggest that combined treatment of LANZO and prednisolone attenuates some components of dystrophic pathology in mdx mice. Our findings warrant future investigation of the clinical efficacy of LANZO and prednisolone combined treatment regimens in dystrophic pathology.

Reproduced with permission of PLoS One.

Creative Commons License

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License.

Peer Reviewed

Open Access


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Tito’s lane, Goa

Visit to Goa is never quite complete without enjoying its nightlife 🙂 Last time it was Club Cabana, and this time around, we thought of doing some pub hopping in Tito’s lane.

After dropping parents off at home, four of us reached Tito’s around 10 p.m. Entry fees per couple is INR 1000 and you can redeem it against any F&B. The place looks beautiful with a variety of seating. The decor is charming with perfect lighting, elegant furniture and looks like a perfect place to unwind. Dance floor is in a separate section, if you want to shake a leg. Continue reading


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Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
Tel. 01 230 35 36

Welcome to IACP

Welcome to the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP) website. Our Association was established in 1981, to identify, develop and maintain professional standards of excellence in counselling and psychotherapy. Our work promotes best practice and the development of the profession as well as safeguard the public. As a registered Charity (CHY 6615) representing over 4,500 members, we are the largest Counselling and Psychotherapy Association in Ireland.

What we do:

IACP represent the interests of both client and Counsellor / Psychotherapist in Ireland. We are a link between those who are looking for Counselling / Psychotherapy and those who provide Counselling / Psychotherapy. In addition, we provide information and set and maintain practice and training standards. We represent Counselling / Psychotherapy at both national and international level. Much of our work involves developing high standards in the profession of Counselling / Psychotherapy. The IACP has established a comprehensive Code of Ethics and Practice. IACP also partners other National and International Counselling and Psychotherapy Associations to advance the development of Counselling and Psychotherapy.

"Members working together to achieve excellence of practice, career development and wider awareness of the value of Professional Counselling and Psychotherapy"

A future where all people can access regulated professional Counselling and Psychotherapy services. Our vision is one where Counselling and Psychotherapy are an integral part of healthcare provision.

The underlying values which guide our work are as follows:

  • Integrity
  • Respect and Inclusivity
  • Valuing the Individual
  • Professional and Ethical

How to find a Counsellor / Psychotherapist: IACP provides:

  • A free comprehensive online directory of all accredited IACP Counsellors
  • / Psychotherapists in Ireland @
  • Accredited Counsellors / Psychotherapists in every county in Ireland
  • A Telephone Referral Service providing information on all areas relating to
  • Counselling & Psychotherapy: 01-2303536, 9am–5pm, Monday to Friday.

To Find out more about the History and Development of the IACP please see our publication: “IACP – Celebrating 30 years”

To find out more about the Strategic Development of the Association please see our Strategic plan in the left menu.

View all EventsEvents

Western Regional Committee Networking Evening (20/02/18)
Presenter: Martin Duhig Presenter :Michael O'Carroll Topic : Internet

The IACP provides a standard of practice, professional identity, and self-regulation for the Counselling and Psychotherapy professions.

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in your area

Keyword Search

The Association is not authorised to issue contact details of Non-Accredited Members

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© Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy - IACP, First Floor, Marina House, 11-13 Clarence Street, Dun Laoghaire, Co Dublin Tel. 00 353 1 2303536
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Timeframe for statutory registration

Draft regulations to designate the professions of Counsellors and Psychotherapists and to establish a registration board will be ready for submission to the Houses of the Oireachtas for their approval during the present session, the Minister for Health, Simon Harris, has told the Dail.

The Minister recently concluded a public consultation on  his proposal to regulate counsellors generally under the Health and Social Care Professionals Act 2005.

On foot of the consultation process, He has decided to proceed with the designation of two distinct professions under the Act, that of counsellor and psychotherapist. Each will have its own register under one registration board. This decision has been communicated to the Health and Social Care Professionals Council, the relevant professional bodies and all the respondents to the public consultation process.

Subject to the approval of the Houses, the next step will be the appointment of the 13 members of the registration board, following the submission of suitable candidates for the Minister's consideration, by the Public Appointments Service. The aim is that the registration board will be in a position early in the New Year to begin the task of drafting the various bye-laws to allow it to establish its registers.

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Quality Assurance

Fire Assurance Coordinator – Orange County, Florida

Overview At Orange County Government, Florida we are proud to serve the public with integrity, honesty, fairness and professionalism. We develop innovative policies and services that impact Central Florida and shape the future of our community. We have been consistently recognized as a “Top 100 Family Friendly Company,” facilitating a healthy work-life balance. This position

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