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Shadow Lane: A Winchester Obsession
It Shall Be Done part 2
8th-May-2012 07:33 am
It Shall Be Done part 2
Hard R

For full Header details, including Warnings and Disclaimer, please see Master Post.

The Thurman Public Rose Garden was built over three acres of land, first conceived back in nineteen forty-nine as a way to draw in tourists and boost the town’s floundering economy. It had worked briefly, in the fifties, crowds coming from as far away as San Antonio to see what the press at the time had dubbed “as a colossal misuse of town funds” but by the early sixties the interest had pretty much dried up. However, the Mayor and town council had decided it was still cheaper in upkeep then it was to tear it apart and leave a gaping flat space on the edge of town, easily seen from the highway.

But by the eighties, upkeep had been reduced to one of the three town workers, wandering in every other week to check for dead trees or animals though everybody in town knew that the truth was that the only real upkeep was done on the main acre of land, the remaining two had been left to go wild. If work needed to be done further out, no one knew of it and no one cared.

Still during the daylight hours, the garden was a thing of beauty, no matter the season.

Nighttime was a different story, wild animals could be heard roaming between the four foot hedges, mist crept along the ground thanks to the dense vegetation trapping moisture during the day, and the gargoyle statues took on a sinister look.

Josh wished he was still in bed. That he wasn’t in the rose garden, that he wasn’t sitting beside a shallow hole that his father had made him help dig and that his little brother wasn’t busy dumping body parts into the grave.

Those body parts had been a woman only hours before, a woman who had screamed behind a gag of dull grey duct tape until his father had buried an axe in her chest because his dad believed her to be a demon. A demon that needed to be destroyed.

The first tear slowly slid down Josh’s dirt smeared face, quickly followed by another and then another. But she had just been a woman, a woman his father had murdered and he had stood by and done nothing.

“Don’t cry for her Josh, she wasn’t human.”

Josh wiped at his eyes, staring down at his dirty fingers, watching the moisture drip off of them as Alan came over to kneel in front of him.

“Didn’t you see that when I touched her?”

Jensen looked up from pushing handfuls of dirt onto the body. “I saw it dad.”

Josh glared at him before looking back at their dad, “You…you killed her.”

“I didn’t kill her son.” Alan swore his face a picture of honestly. “I destroyed her. She was a demon.” He looked down and sighed, “You know, I wasn’t so sure I could do it myself. “ He faced him once more, his eyes pleading, “I mean, she looked like a woman to me too. But after I touched her,” he lifted his bare, dirt and blood streaked hand between them, “all I could see was the evil and I had to do it.”

Alan curled that same hand around Josh’s forearm and smiled reassuringly. “I’m sorry you didn’t see it too. You will the next time.”

Josh had let his head fall to his chest, afraid of what his father might see in his face but at those words, his head snapped back up. “You…you’re gonna do it again?”

“This is our job now son. You’ve got to accept that.”

Josh sat up straighter and started to shake his head. “I won’t let you.”

“We’re doing God’s work here.” Alan explained patiently, trying to make Josh understand.

“I’ll…I’ll tell!”

Alan’s expression didn’t change; eyes still pleading for Josh to understand but his voice grew hard, hinting at the anger growing within. “If you do, someone will die. The angel was clear on that. Do you understand?”

Josh stared back at his father, face unreadable and voice silent.

“Answer me Josh. Do you understand?”

“Once I was released from the hospital I searched for her.”

Jared nodded but didn’t ask for clarification as to who “her” was but the why would he need any. Jensen’s mother had died ten years before that night and fifteen before Jensen went searching to see if he could find proof that she had been a demon and there had been no other woman in his life at any time during those fifteen years.

“Why then?”

Jensen let his eyes wander the room trying to come up with an answer that would make sense. It was still as clear now as it had been that day after Pastor Beaver had visited him in the hospital, in his head. He had needed answers because, although, the Bible was the word of God, it was how a man interpreted it that truly mattered. He had convinced himself that he was evil because being a homosexual was evil in the eyes of his church back in Thurman, the same church that his father had made sure they religiously attended every Sunday, rain or shine. The same church where Father Richings had repeated spoke of the demons that walked among mankind, tempting them with their wicked ways in almost every sermon. Sermons that his father had keenly paid attention to.

Jensen needed to know.

“Sin and demons and being tempted by demons was on my mind.” He finally answered and his smile was bittersweet as he stretched his legs out under the table to entwine his socked feet with Jared’s. “Pastor Beaver came to visit me while I was there and it was him who told me that God loved his creations, all of us and so long as our love was pure, it made no difference if I loved a woman or a man. But that wasn’t what we were taught back home in Thurman and I needed to know.”

Jared nodded but Jensen could tell that he really couldn’t understand but it didn’t bother him. Jensen was the one explaining it and there was no way to make it clearer, not now.

“It’s kind of funny how everything kinda fell together right then. After dad was gone, we were put into the foster system and by the time I was fifteen I ended up in Jacksonville, the same town that dad took Cynthia Harbridge from in the first place. It was almost like it was meant to be. The Jacksonville library had a copy of each and every issue of the Dallas Star going back probably from the date the library first opened its doors so it wasn’t hard to find the article about her disappearance. It wasn’t very long, just spoke about how she was a widow and supposed to have been at work that night for the night shift as a waitress at the twenty-four hour truck stop at the edge of town. That investigators believed that she had left the house of her own free will because nothing was disturbed within and that she caught a ride with her abductor because her car was still in her driveway.”

“Sounds like one of a dozen women. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

He nodded, “Yeah, until another article appeared in the paper about her three days later. Turned out that while snooping through her house to try to come up with a clue, the Sheriff’s department opened a small cardboard box tucked behind the hot water tank in her house. They found five different wallets inside that belonged to five different men who had been reported as missing as far away as Dallas over the last three years before she went missing.”

Jared leaned forward, pushing his mug away as he settled his arms on the table once more and threaded his fingers together. “You think she killed them?”

Jensen shrugged, “That’s what the cops figured. The title of the piece was “Missing Woman a Serial Killer?". They speculated that her latest victim got the better of her and killed her instead of being killed. Dad had been right, she was a demon.”

“Well evil anyway.” Jared said slowly and his eyes grew dull as his thoughts turned inwards.

Jensen stayed silent and let Jared think through the idea that a woman he had believed to be a poor innocent victim of Jensen’s father in truth wasn’t. He could wait; he had learned early on to be patient and it had done nothing but be beneficial for him.

“Was she the only one?”

“Hmm?” Jensen blinked out of the memory of a small, stuffy room at the back of the Jacksonville library where dust had tickled his nose and a mix of fear and certainty had twisted in his stomach.

“Was she the only one?”

Jensen shook his head, “After that night nothing much happened. Dad didn’t mention it. Josh didn’t and neither did I. The school year finished and Josh and I spent our days messing around with friends, doing our chores and waiting for dad to come home from work.”

He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and took a deep breath, “About a month later, round mid-July, Josh and I came home around four in the afternoon after spending the day at the big park behind the Thurman Elementary School and there was this nondescript light beige delivery van with cardboard over the back windows in our driveway. Dad said it was our van and that we had work to do.”

Alan knew that there were moments when a person could just disappear without anyone knowing where they went or why. Those were the moments when God’s Hands could take a person.

He knew it was true because the angel had told them that they would be protected by God while they were doing his work and hadn’t the angel been proven true? That first demon had had her porch light on and neighbors that were still awake in the houses on either side when Alan had caught her. No one had called out, tried to stop him or called the Sheriff’s department. No one ever came to question him because no one saw a thing.

There was nothing, not even a camera that could catch Alan or the boys. They were completely invisible when they were God’s Hands. Alan knew that to be the gospel truth.

That was the very reason why he hadn’t felt even the slightest bit of unease when the angel had come to him while he had been working on an engine the day before and told him when and where he could find the next demon.

If God wanted Alan to grab the demon from a sleepy parking lot first thing the next morning then that’s what Alan would do. Because God had willed it so.

The angel had told him that he had to be in the parking lot of the Bob’s Discount Market in Cooper by nine forty eight sharp. And even with having to hustle the boys, he still managed to be pulling in directly behind a light blue Ford Escort that the angel told him the demon drove.

He pulled in and parked a couple spots over from the Escort and watched as the demon disguised as a balding, elderly man with glasses got out of the car and headed for the entrance of the market.

“What do we do now dad?” Jensen asked, eyes darting from his father’s profile to scan the brick face of the grocery store halfway across the parking lot from them.

“We get him when he comes out.” Alan turned to look at his youngest, kneeling between the two bucket seats and placed a steadying hand in the center of Jensen’s chest. “Just like I told you, remember?”

Alan turned to look at Josh, “Josh?” His oldest had the most import part to play in luring the demon to them.

“I can’t do this dad.” He swore, his voice was shaking with fear and his eyes were pleading for his father to understand.

Alan didn’t seem surprised by the response but they had come too far, they had been commanded by God himself, to turn back now. “I can’t never could do anything.”

“I could do it dad.” Jensen piped up, wanting, needing to prove his worth, his own belief in God.

Alan smiled at him, “You sure can tiger.” He rubbed over Jensen’s soft hair before he turned to stare out the front of the van waiting for the demon to reappear.

“Well, what if someone sees us?” Josh tried again, his voice still rising with his panic.

“They won’t.” Alan answered calmly not diverting his gaze.

Josh waved his hands at the windshield, “It’s broad daylight.”

Alan finally turned to glare at his son, “God will blind them for us.”

Josh opened his mouth as if to argue more before silently snapping it closed and looked away. Alan sighed softly with relief before reaching for the operator’s manual for the van sitting on the dashboard and began to flip through it, waiting.

Jensen entertained himself by drawing little stick figure cartoons in the dust at his feet, occasionally glancing over at his father every time the man shifted. Only to go back to his dust drawings when his father remained silent and resettled in his seat.

“There he is boys.” Alan nodded toward the same elderly gentleman exiting the market with only a single, small bag not seemingly worth spending over an hour in the store.

Jensen kneeled up to see over the dash and watched the demon slowly make its way closer.

“Come on, Josh.” Alan pressed, eyes darting between his son and the demon.

“Dad I can’t.” Josh shook his head; his voice was a pleading whine.

“Yes, you can.” Alan growled and narrowed his eyes on Josh when the boy still hadn’t made a move to get out of the van. “Do what I tell you!” He snarled before opening the driver’s door and slipping outside.

With a small noise, Josh opened his own door and crossed the short distance to the demon’s car. Dropping down to his hands and knees he peered under the car.

Jensen had been told to stay in the van and he knew better than to disobey but there was no reason why he couldn’t shift further forward so that he could better see his brother lure the demon in.

“Please Trixie! Trixie come on!” Heavy footsteps stilled behind Josh and he added a beckoning hand to his act. “Come Trixie! Trixie come on!”

“What’cha doing boy?”

Josh turned to look up at the man staring down at him, “My dog…” he sniffed and the haze in his eyes was all real, “she’s under your car.”

“Oh.” The man smiled reassuringly as he gingerly dropped to his knees beside Josh. “Well, let’s see.”

He didn’t see Alan standing behind him or the length of pipe he held in one hand high above his head, ready to strike.

“I can’t believe you still didn’t see it.” Alan said quietly, his voice full of hurt and dismay, “He murdered little children, Josh.”

Josh barely glanced up at him from where he was standing in the middle of the grave he was digging in the rose garden.

“Babies.” Alan continued, glancing over at Jensen, kneeling by the open hole, flashlight pointed into the grave, illuminating the hard ground Josh was chipping away at with the tip of the shovel. “Babies.” He repeated sadly as he pushed himself up and walked away.

“He’s the murderer.” Josh hissed once he was certain their father was out of earshot. He tossed the shovel out one side of the grave and crawled out of the other. “We’ve got to get out of here, Jensen.”

“What do you mean?”

“We gotta run away.” Josh picked up the first of the six black garbage bags sitting innocently in the wheelbarrow. No one would know what lay inside was anything but grass clippings or household garbage. No one but Alan, Josh, Jensen and God.

Jensen started shaking his head.

“I told you we might have to.” Over balancing, Josh hit his knees by the open hole but continued with what he had to do like he had meant to go to his knees all along.

“I don’t wanna run away.” Jensen hissed venomously.

“We have to.” Josh panted as he met Jensen’s glassy eyes.

“Listen to me Jensen.” Josh shifted until he was right beside his younger brother and pinned him with his stare, “Dad kills people.”

“No he doesn’t.” Jensen shot back. “He’s a demon slayer.”

“That’s all lies Jensen.” Josh growled in frustration.

“No it’s not.” Jensen leaned back a little, “I see it when he touches them.”

“No, you don’t.” Josh pressed, “Dad’s brainwashed you. It’s all a big lie. He’s a murderer and you help him.”

“Nah-uh!” Jensen jumped to his feet, his voice rising in anger. “We’re just serving God’s will. I’m telling dad on you!”

Josh reached for Jensen, his fingers touched but could not grasp his coat. “Jensen! Jensen! Jensen!”

“Edward March was a pedophile.” Jensen said softly. “When the Cooper Sheriff’s department searched his home for clues about his disappearance they found child pornography on his computer and three scrapbooks full of clippings about the abductions, molestations and subsequent murders of nine little girls, the earliest dating back to the late sixties in a safety deposit box in the Cooper Bank and Loan.”

Jensen rubbed his palms up and down his thighs, “Dad showed us the article that appeared in the paper a couple days later. He said it proved everything he had been saying about the angel and God.”

Jared rubbed across his eyes, trying to ease the feeling of sand scratching at his corneas every time he blinked. He was exhausted but he knew there was no way he would be able to sleep after what Jensen had told him, not with the heavy weight of confusion pressing in on him.

Alan Ackles was a psychotic murderer wrapped up in a religious fanatic that was clear. Only was it?

Jensen had just admitted to not one but two murders his father had committed and then to having hidden the evidence in a town’s public garden under the guise of destroying demons and had dragged his children along for the hellish ride. Only both of his victims turned out to be not so much victim as animal themselves.

The first, a serial black widow of sorts and the second, a child molester. They certainly didn’t deserve his pity nor to be finally found and freed from their unmarked graves. And as sure as the night always followed the day to be followed by night to be followed by day for all eternity, they were evil. But did that make them demons? Honest to God, hellfire and brimstone demons?

He tried to think of what kind of person would do the things Alan’s two demons had been suspected of doing even if it was postmortem. A woman who preyed on lonely men and probably killed them and a man who lured little girls into his home or car, did unspeakable things to them and then killed them too.

People always pondered what kind of person could commit such acts against another human being when stories like those hit the news. Jared was beginning to believe maybe they weren’t so human after all. And it wasn’t just them, dictators who indiscriminately slaughtered their own people, sadistic killers, pedophiles, cult leaders who convinced their followers that they were God, among others.

Animals, psychos, megalomaniacs and…demons, the lot of them.

Dear sweet baby Jesus!

Could it be true, could it really all be true?

“Why did your dad show you and Josh the article that time but not the time before? Was it because you had told your dad what Josh had said? Or did you?”

“I’ll never forget the look on dad’s face that night.” Jensen curled his arms around his sides, hugging himself, trying to forget the sharp pain he still felt for telling his dad what Josh had told him. “I expected him to get angry, livid but he didn’t. He just sort of fell into one of the kitchen chairs and got all quiet. But the betrayal etched in his face was the worst.”

His face twisted into a bitter smile, “Dad was the only adult that ever really mattered to me when I was little. Oh I liked a lot of adults, most of my teachers, parents of my friends but dad was…dad. He took care of us, loved us, kept us safe and I had said the one thing that hurt him the most. I told him that his oldest son had called him a crazy murderer. That look tore me in two.”

Jared pushed up from his chair and moved around to Jensen, he kneeled down and cupped Jensen’s thighs, “Jensen you were only ten years old.”

“It hurt him so bad, I hurt him so bad.”

“No Jensen, no.” Jared shook his head, “Your dad…he put a lot on you and Josh when you were both to young. He expected you guys to deal with things that most adults couldn’t.”

He knew that Jared was trying to be helpful and he could appreciate it, logically, but emotionally the words didn’t settle anything. Jared hadn’t been there, he didn’t see how dad had crumpled in on himself when Jensen had uttered those fateful words, Josh says you’re a crazy murderer, and Jensen felt like the murderer.

“And Josh couldn’t.” Jared leaned in and brushed his lips against Jensen’s. “But I’m not surprised you did.”

Jensen could detect the faint scent of the body soap Jared had used when he got home from work earlier that day, the day before, and right at that moment, it was the best scent Jensen had ever smelled. He wanted to lose himself in that scent, take Jared to bed, curl up with him and just forget the last twenty-four hours. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t.

“It took a long time for dad to say something and when he finally did, it was to tell me to go shower and head to bed.”

Jared leaned back and searched Jensen’s eyes before he slowly nodded and with one more squeeze to both thighs, he pushed back to his feet and reached for his mug. “More?”

“Please.” Jensen handed his over and closed his eyes, the shaking of his limbs, the way he could barely walk from the room but knew that look on his father’s face, the one that foretold of a miserable punishment if Jensen didn’t do as he was told, propelled him toward the bathroom in silence, it was overtaking him.

“Dad had this look.” He continued, eyes blinking open as Jared placed a fresh mug of coffee before Jensen. He snorted, “I'm pretty sure that all of the fathers have that look, the one that promises hell being rained down if you don’t do as you’re told. So I did as he said but I took more than enough time in the shower, more than Josh usually did and we both know what fourteen year old boys do in the shower. But finally the water started to cool and I knew I was pushing my luck so I finished up and went to bed. Dad never came in that night to say goodnight even though I kept waiting and waiting but that was okay. I was too twisted up about what dad was going to do to Josh to sleep anyway and it was better with the little light on the nightstand on, I think my imagination about what was going to happen would have been worse had I had to wait in the dark.”

“That had to be so hard.” Jared murmured, “I don’t think I could’ve stayed still.”

“Patience is a virtue.” Jensen’s lips twitched into a quick smirk, “And fear that dad would tan my ass if I didn’t do as I was told.” And I couldn’t risk hurting him more in one night, not after telling him what Josh had said.

“It could have been minutes, it could have been hours but finally I heard the squeak of the back door screen open and I couldn’t handle it anymore.” He shrugged and felt the ghost of his terror for Josh, for his dad, start tingling through his hands. “I could hear the deep timber of dad’s voice and the higher one of Josh’s but I couldn’t make out the words so I snuck to the bedroom door and stuck my ear to the crack. All I heard was dad telling Josh to shower and head to bed, just like he had me. He wasn’t yelling and neither was Josh. I didn’t know what to think, I had been so sure that all hell was gonna break loose once Josh got done in the rose garden but there wasn’t anything. It was almost like dad had forgotten what I had told him.”

“But he hadn’t, had he.”

It wasn’t a question but it had to be answered because the answer was part of Jensen’s story. The pivotal point, he had reached the middle of his history and all that was left was the downward slide to the end. It was like a movie and it didn’t matter how his heart began to pound or how much he wanted to be able to go back and change things, anything, just one simple thing that would change the ending, it wouldn’t change because that which has already been played out and recorded cannot be changed.

“No. He hadn’t.” Jensen took a gulp of his coffee, reaching for time, trying to slow down the telling before he huffed out a breath and forced himself to continue.

“I listened as Josh came down the hall, I took a step back from the door so he wouldn’t notice me if he happened to glance toward our room as he headed to the bathroom and once I was sure that dad wasn’t following, I slipped into bed.” He shook his head, “I still couldn’t sleep, I kept waiting, expecting for dad to do…something but by the time Josh opened our bedroom door I had calmed down enough that my anger at Josh for even suggesting that dad was a crazy murderer, was back full force. I was on my side, facing away from Josh’s bed and I pretended to be asleep because for the first time, ever, I didn’t want to talk to or see my brother.”

Jensen sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, “I woke to warm sunlight shining into our room and dad telling Josh to get up and go with him. He wasn’t sad anymore but he wasn’t angry either, he sounded determined and a little bit resigned.”

“I still wasn’t ready to talk to Josh so I waited until he was up and out of the room before I crawled out of bed and went through my morning routine and by the time I made it out to the kitchen dad was setting a box of cereal on the table. He told me that Josh was out back digging a hole for a cellar and that dad had made me a couple sandwiches for lunch and I was to leave Josh be, that this was his punishment for not believing in our mission from God. That a little hard work and prayer was all Josh needed to see the light.”

He leaned forward to grab his mug and took a decent mouthful of the bitter liquid. “We were well into July by this point so it wasn’t like anyone would know that Josh wasn’t allowed to do anything but dig in the backyard. Dad left for work and I went into the living room and contented myself with morning T.V. and comic books.”

“And Josh kept digging all day?” Jared stretched a leg out and comfortingly ran his toes along Jensen’s shin.

“For seven days.” Jensen shrugged, “Josh could be a hard headed son of a bitch. Through hands that blistered then bled, through dad telling him to take a couple days off to let his hands heal up, through the hottest part of every one of those seven days. Through my offer of helping and not telling dad by lunch time that first day when my anger finally left me and guilt surged in to replace it because I had told dad, I had spilled the beans but he told me to get lost and when I wouldn’t he chucked a lump of dirt at me. Josh started that ten foot deep by fifteen foot squared hole for the cellar by himself and he finished it by himself.”

Jared whistled low, “Damn.”

He sounded awed but Jensen wasn’t surprised. The Josh that Jared had known would never had managed a foot deep before he would have quit but Josh had been a different person back then, an angry fourteen year old with something to prove.

“He never prayed once. He told dad that when dad asked and he wasn’t remorseful at all. I still sometimes wonder if Josh hadn’t been a few years older if dad would have made him build the shack that sat over the cellar by himself too. Instead, once Josh had showered, dad bundled us into his truck and took us down to the hardware store in Dallas to buy the supplies we needed to build the shack. It took us a week, working pretty much non-stop from the moment dad got home until we didn’t dare work longer into the night for fear of the neighbors complaining about the noise. But finally it was done and we had a, roughly, twenty foot squared wooden shack with a tin roof and a trap door in the floor over dad’s cellar.”

Jensen picked up his mug of coffee and met Jared’s eyes over the lip of it. “The next night dad brought home another demon.”

It was late when Alan arrived home, the next demon on his list, the demon that was now laying on the dirt floor of the cellar before him, had stopped at the local watering hole in it’s hometown of Sulphur Springs instead of returning to its home after work that day. Alan had known the demon was going to do that because the angel had told him but he hadn’t expected the bastard to sit in the bar for almost two hours before deciding it was time to return home to put the boots to its unsuspecting wife.

It didn’t get the chance.

It didn’t surprise him that Jensen was the first one out the door to greet him; lantern already lit and grasped in one small hand, his youngest had stuck closer since that whole business with Josh and the pedophile demon a little better than a week before. But he had been pleasantly surprised to see Josh, albeit reluctantly, not that far behind his younger brother.

Still it was ten year old Jensen who fearlessly led the way down into the cellar out back, not hesitating once on the stairs as he descended further into the dark not fourteen year old Josh, who instead hung back only, reluctantly managing to follow Alan halfway down the stairs before stopping.

That wouldn’t do, not with what Alan had in mind. It was time for Josh to become a man and take a more active role in the family.

“Get down here.” Alan ordered, sparing a glance at his eldest, only long enough to ensure that Josh was doing as he was told before turning and reaching for the axe. Grasping it one handed, he turned back to stare down at the demon before him, before turning back to Josh. “It has to be done.” He stretched out his arm, offering the axe, axe head first to Josh. “It’s God’s will.”

Josh looked down at the demon, hands and feet tied together and duct tape over its mouth and swallowed hard.

“Come on, do it like I showed you, the neck first Josh.”

The demon’s eyes were brown and huge in his frightened face and though no words were discernible, the noises he was making had to be begging and pleading for his life.

Jensen bit his lower lip, watching silently as Josh’s eyes moved from the demon to their father and then back. It was less than a minute before Josh suddenly bolted up the stairs and out of the cellar, Alan yelling for him to come back and the thuds of Josh’s sneakered feet as they hit the wooden floor above the only proof that he had ever been there at all.

Jensen shifted from foot to foot, his head was snapping between the empty entrance to the cellar and the demon at his feet. “Dad?”

Alan muttered darkly before spinning back, “Take this.” He growled, letting the weight of the metal axe head pull itself toward the ground and handing it over to Jensen. Then he bent over and picked the demon back up, settling him over his shoulder, the man’s forehead banging against Alan’s back as he shifted the demon’s weight.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know what that brother of yours has planned but we need to take this demon to the rose garden for now.” He snarled as he started back up the stairs, his free hand pressed against the reinforced dirt wall on his way up and Jensen close on his heels.

“What are we going to do then?” Jensen waited until they were clear of the shack before moving around his dad to light the way. “Are we gonna go look for Josh?”

“Your brother will be back.” Alan grunted and stumbled a couple quick steps forward as the man on his shoulder struggled for release. “Hold still demon or I’ll drop you on your head.”

“Then why do we have to go to the rose garden now?” Jensen persisted but didn’t stop moving ahead, keeping the lantern held out before him to ensure neither of them twisted an ankle on a stone or root hidden by the night.

“Just do as you’re told Jensen.”

“We went to the place where dad said the angel had told him to bury the demons and the whole time I kept hoping to hear Josh calling for us. Hoping that he had come back and was going to apologize to dad for running off.”

“Did he?”

Jared watched Jensen blink the world back into focus, pulling himself out of his memories and shake them off just enough to be able to answer a question that hadn’t been a part of the telling.

“No. Dad put the struggling demon down by one of the few Walnut trees that the town left standing in the rose garden and stood back and watched him wiggle around on his side like a fish out of water for the longest time.” Jensen titled his head, “He just stood there and watched the demon’s eyes flash from one fresh grave to the other and struggle harder and harder to free himself but he couldn’t. Dad always knew how to tie a knot.”

He rubbed his fingertips under his eyes, “He told me to stay and watch the demon and he would be back as soon as he could.”

“He left you there?” Jared couldn’t believe what he was hearing. If Alan was so convinced that he was slaying demons then what the hell was he doing leaving his son with one? “In the middle of the night, with a supposed demon and Josh missing. What if something had happened? What if someone had happened along?”

“Dad said that we were invisible to everyone while we were doing God’s work.” Jensen pointed out quietly.

Jared raised his hands and made a gesture to indicate that to him, it didn’t make any difference. Alan had left his son with an unknown man and tied up or not, that was high on the list of one of the worst things that Alan had done to Jensen through this whole story and considering the story that was saying something. If the man had gotten free, after being kidnapped, tied up, threatened with an axe because even if Alan hadn’t swung it at him, he had to know what the damn thing was for and then left in an unused corner of a public rose garden beside two fresh graves in the middle of the night with a kid, still tied up, God knows what he would have done to Jensen as retaliation.

Jared shuddered as images of a much younger Jensen torn apart by a man crazed by fear and anger flashed through his mind. And not only were the images in Technicolor but graphic as hell thanks to Jared’s appetite for slasher movies.

“I…” he shook his head, there really was no point railing at Jensen about it, it hadn’t been his choice. Alan had told Jensen what to do and he had done it because it was his father saying to.

“I didn’t have a watch so I don’t know how long we, me and the demon, were there just us two.” Jensen continued once it became clear to him that Jared had run out of words. “But it was long enough that the demon calmed down, stopped struggling and just laid there trying to get me to look at him by making these pleading little noises from behind the duct tape.”

“And did you? Did you look at him or talk to him or…” he let the words dry up on his tongue. So far in this story Jensen was Alan’s good son and Jared didn’t really believe that that was suddenly going to change just because Josh had run off.

The thing was, Jared wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He had already kind of admitted that maybe there were demons in the world; he just wasn’t convinced that an angel had come down to earth and told Alan Ackles that he was to slay them in a vision. Or that the angel kept returning to Alan and telling him what day to snatch those people, demons, whatever and where to find them. But he was finding them and if they weren’t just some poor, unfortunate souls he snatched off the street but honest to God evil people, demons, whatever and Jensen said that they actually were, then how in the hell was he managing that?

Alan had been a mechanic for a small shop in Jupiter, before that, a mechanic in Thurman for a different small vehicle repair shop. He hadn’t make it past grade six before dropping out of school, never been in the army or marines or special ops of any kind and from all that Jensen had told him up to that day, didn’t seem to have any kind of special skill in searching out criminals. So how had he done it?

It couldn’t have been an honest to God angel. Could it?

“Finally,” Jensen shrugged, “if I had to guess maybe an hour, an hour and a half later, dad came back and we, the three of us, dad, me and the demon went back the same way we had come. I wanted to ask him if Josh had come back but he had that look on his face again, that shattered betrayed look that he had worn for those seven days after I told him about Josh calling him a crazy murderer and I didn’t dare. Partially because I was scared that it would make him cry but really because I was worried that either he had found Josh or Josh had come home and something bad had happened to my brother.”

He knew that nothing bad had happened to Josh that night but it didn’t stop his heart from pounding in trepidation. Because something was going to happen in Jensen’s story, something bad if the history of his story was anything to go by and Jared knew it was.

“I could hear Josh sobbing in the cellar, dad had left the trap door hanging open but it wasn’t until I followed dad with the demon slung over his shoulder down into that hole that I understood why.”

Jensen paused and Jared knew it wasn’t for dramatic effect because Jensen just wasn’t that way. He was working himself up to admit to whatever came next, something more horrific to him then everything that had happened up to that point.

Interlacing his fingers around the mug, Jensen’s mouth twisted into a frown. “Sheriff Steven Williams was always good with us kids so long as we behaved. He didn’t have a lot of patience for trouble makers but he was a fair man who everybody always said listened to both sides of a story before making up his mind. I modeled myself as a Sheriff after him.”

His eyes slid to the side, focusing his gaze on the off white tile near the fridge. “He was laying on his back a couple steps away from the stairs, dead with blood still slowly seeping from the axe wound in his chest.” Jensen met Jared’s wide eyes, “Josh told me a couple weeks later that Sheriff Williams hadn’t believed him about dad and the demons or the rose garden and the graves. He said that he convinced the Sheriff that he needed to look in the cellar because he had been so sure that me and the demon would still be down there. That dad had killed him as he had walked back up the stairs.”

“Jen I’m…”

“He was a good man Jared.” Jensen admitted softly, “A righteous man doing an honorable job and dad had to kill him because Josh told. Just like the angel said, if any of us told anyone that someone would die.”

That, right there, using an angel telling Alan it what would happen if any of them told someone outside the family still sounded like an excuse to Jared. An excuse that a mad man would use to justify his actions only, only maybe it didn’t when lined up with the rest of the story. Am I really starting to believe this?

You’re already starting to believe that it isn’t just evil men and women in the world Jared. A snide little voice in the back of his mind hissed at him. If there are honest to God demons walking among us, why can’t an angel speak to an undereducated, hardworking, religious man?

“Dad laid his hands on the demon and then destroyed him right there beside Sheriff Williams body.” Jensen emptied his mug, “Then we took both of them out to the rose garden.”

“I never killed a man before tonight.” Alan admitted softly, his voice laden with regret as he kneeled on the cold ground beside the hole that he was making Josh dig for Sheriff Williams’ body. His eyes returning to the body of the man he had to kill because of Josh and his refusal to see the truth.

Jensen looked up from where he was dumping the body of the demon in the second grave that Alan and Josh had dug together first, forgetting that the angel had said there was a particular way that the body had to be laid in the ground, in favor of watching his father and brother.

Josh stilled and glared up at his father, “I’ve seen you kill plenty.” He stabbed the sharp end of the shovel into the hard ground and started to work more dirt loose.

“Those were demons.” Alan glanced from his son to the Sheriff then back, “That was a man.
Why can’t you see that?” He pressed, his voice now clogged with hurt, betrayal, guilt and under it all, frustrated anger.

“You didn’t have to kill him.” He pressed, stopping once more to glare at him.

“I had to protect our mission.”

“There is no mission!” Josh practically yelled, his body going tense and vibrating with impotent anger.

Alan surged forward and curled his fist into Josh’s dirty t-shirt, shaking him a little before forcibly turning his body so that his oldest had no choice but to look at the body of the Sheriff lying at the lip of what would become his final resting place. “That man is dead because of you. Look at him!” He kept shaking Josh, trying in his own way to shake some sense into his son. “He’s dead because you have no faith!”

Josh tried to lean back and he tried to get out of his father’s grasp.

“Do you understand what you made me do? You made me commit murder!” He yelled heedless of anyone that might happen to be awake and around in the middle of the night. He didn’t need to fear discovery, the angel had told him that his was safe. If it had only been the Sheriff they had to bury then perhaps Alan would be worried but they had been doing God’s work and even if Josh still didn’t believe, even if the angel had told Alan that his oldest was, in fact, a demon, he still had to try.

“I didn’t make you do anything! You did!” Josh shot back, “You’re crazy!”

Anger and frustration fought for control, Alan almost dragged his son closer before pushing him away and jumping to his feet, only noticing the shovel clenched tightly in his hands after it was raised over his head and aimed at Josh.

“Dad, no! Dad, don’t!” Jensen yelled as he struggled to crawl out of the demon’s grave, his fear making his movements sloppy and uncoordinated.

The desire was there, right there in Alan’s taut limbs and sweaty palms and Josh wasn’t moving, he wasn’t trying to get away. Instead he just stood there cowering in the half dug grave waiting for Alan to make that swing and end it all.

But he couldn’t, Josh was still his son, his first born, the one he had trusted to keep Jensen safe after their mother had died. He had trusted him to take care of his little brother while Alan worked to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table and he just…couldn’t.

There was no shining light, no angel suddenly telling him that he must stop that this had all been a test of his faith as it had been for Abraham and though he knew he shouldn’t, Alan threw the shovel aside, dropped to his knees and knees and let the tears come.

Jensen’s body finally responded as Alan hit the ground and he crossed to his father’s side, ignoring his brother who had once again betrayed the family by attacking their dad. “It’s all right dad.”

He knelt down beside Alan, resting a hand on his shoulder, his own tears starting to fall, “Don’t cry.”

“Dad was a firm believer in spare the rod, spoil the child. Only he never hit us with anything but his hand and we never got our asses beat without there being a damn good reason. But that night…” Jensen shook his head before slowly rubbing over his top lip. “I had never been so scared in my life. I thought for sure that that shovel was going to come down and crush Josh’s skull. In that moment all I wanted was to get out of that damn grave and get to my family but I was shaking so bad and the grave was too deep for me to jump out of and my fucking feet kept slipping on the side…”

“Jensen.” Jared said softly.

Jensen focused in on Jared, not having noticed that at some point his gaze had slid away once again during the telling. It was happening a lot even though Jensen had the intention of making sure it didn’t happen again every time he caught himself. Criminals, people or kids with something to hide, wouldn’t look at him when he was questioning them and he didn’t want Jared thinking he was hiding anything. The fact was, he was laying everything out for Jared to hear, to judge, and he didn’t want him second guessing what Jensen was telling him because Jensen couldn’t hold his gaze.

But the memories would come, clear as if they were happening in front of him, all over again and he’d get lost in the telling, remembering feelings and scents and sounds and the next thing he knew he was gone from here and back there. Back there, there was no Jared to look to, or try to convince, there was only him and dad and Josh.

“We finished burying them after a time.” He pushed at his empty mug, part of him wanting another cup but pushing it further away from him. He was getting close to the end now and he wasn’t going to need the caffeine to keep him going. Adrenaline was slowly working its way through him, fear and anticipation of finally getting this out, of finally sharing with Jared the truth of things was making fine tremors work through his limbs. If he added coffee to that now, he’d probably shake himself out of the chair.

“Sheriff Williams and the demon, we finished burying them,” he clarified, “and went back to the house. Dad told me to head in but told Josh to stay and some of my worry must have shown on my face because he promised me that it would be okay and I went.”

He shifted in his chair, “And it was just like that night when I told dad that Josh had told me that dad was a crazy killer. I showered as quick as I could and went to mine and Josh’s bedroom. Only there was no light on this time and I didn’t turn it on. Instead, I snuck to the window and stared out, trying to find dad and Josh out there in the backyard only they weren’t there anymore. I panicked, I didn’t know where they were or what had happened and I thought about disobeying, of getting dressed and going to find them but just like my fear kept me from completely believing that everything was going to be okay, it kept me from leaving the room. Dad was so, so mad. Madder than I’d ever seen him before and it was enough that anger at Josh for hurting dad, again, never crossed my mind, just fear for him.”

“Where did they go?”

Jared pressed and Jensen realized that he had gotten lost in the memory once more. Blinking the fog of the past away, he focused in on Jared. “It couldn’t have been longer than a few minutes of me standing at the window, dancing from one foot to the other trying to decide if I dared risked dad’s wrath or not when the door to the shack opened and he came out without Josh.”

“You know when people say that they felt their stomach drop? Or that they were so scared that they felt like their hearts were going to pound right out of their chests? I understand what they mean because in that moment I experienced both.” Jensen’s rubbed at the bare skin of his forearms, trying to chase away phantom goose bumps and fear.

“Dad was dad. He took care of us, made sure we had a place to sleep and food to eat. Helped us with our homework, played with us on weekends and made sure we got to church every Sunday. But Josh was the one who had taken care of me my whole life. He was the one that mopped up the blood when I scraped my knees and joked until I was laughing instead of crying. He was the one that took care of me when I was sick and let me tag along when he’d go play with his friends. He let me crawl into his bed when thoughts of the boogeyman scared me. He really was everything to me, best friend, mom, dad and brother all rolled into one. And the thought that dad had…that he could’ve…” Jensen shook his head.

“But he didn’t.” Jared reminded him gently, reaching across the table and laying his hand palm up for Jensen to take if he wanted to.

Jensen managed a small smile and curled his fingers through Jared’s. “No, he didn’t. But I didn’t know that at the time and the thought that he had that was enough to override my fear of what dad might do or think of me for disobeying him. I met him at the door asking where Josh was and he told me that Josh was in the cellar and that he would stay there until he had his own vision from God.”

“He locked him in that hole in the ground?” Jared spluttered.

Jensen nodded, “He got Josh down there somehow and then nailed the trap door closed.”

Part 3
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Saturday, May 06, 2017

Paper or Plastic?

The Soak by Patrick E. McLean. Thriller crime novel that Lee Goldberg's Brash Books has been promoting.

Audiobook on CD

When the World Stopped to Listen: Van Clibunr's Cold War triumph and it's aftermath by Stuart Isacoff. 8 hours on 7 CDs.

Golden Prey by John Sandford. 11 hours on 9 CDs.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Sexy on holiday!

Who said you can't look sexy on your holiday?
In fact, I love to see sexy women each time I go for a holiday. Like what you can see in the picture above, that was one of the famous chemises lingerie that you can get at

You know what, lingerie is like an art for women. It really useful when you know the right time to wear it. Choosing a lingerie also is one of the most important factor because once you choose the wrong design for your body, then the day is over for you.

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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Knock Out Rose-A New Favorite in the Garden

Knock Out Rose Double Pink
There is a new addition to my gardens this year-the Knock Out Rose.  Developed by Wisconsin rose breeder William Radler in 2000, Knock Out Rose is hardy to USDA zone 5 and has a bloom cycle that starts in spring and lasts well into frost.

Knock Out Roses grow to 3-4 feet high by wide and should be grown in full sun in a well-drained soil.   Knock Out Rose do not require any special care but can be pruned in early spring after the threat of frost is gone to keep them full.  They do not require deadheading but if desired you can remove spent blooms to encourage more blooms. They are the most disease resistant roses on the market and are not susceptible to black-spot fungal disease.  They are virtually "care-free".

Knock Out Rose Double Red
I have always loved roses and have wanted roses in my garden for years but did not want the maintenance of a regular rose.  These are wonderful and I am already getting so much enjoyment from them.  If you want a rose that is carefree, disease-resistant and that blooms all summer then this is the beauty for you!  There is an added plus-it is also deer-resistant.
After 20 years in the making the first introduction of Knock Out Rose was the Red Knock Out in 2000.  After that in 2004, Blushing (light pink) and Pink (deep pink) were introduced.  In 2005 Double Red Knock Out came about and then in 2007, Rainbow Knock Out (pink/yellow center) and Sunny Knock Out (yellow) were brought into the market.

I introduced three double pink Knock-Outs into my gardens in Mid-May and just added three Double Reds.   They are in full bloom and are the first shrub I go to when walking out into the garden.  Each day there are more and more blooms to look forward to.  I am already looking for a place to put the yellow variety.   These are truly a winner and after all these years there are finally roses in this designer's garden.

Happy Gardening!

Author:  Lee@ A Guide To Northeastern Gardening Copyright 2011

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Garden Blogger's Bloom Day May 2011

Pink Tulip
Inspired by the quote, “We can have flowers nearly every month of the year.” by Elizabeth Lawrence, Carol at May Dreams Gardens hosts Garden Blogger's Bloom Day. On the 15th of every month gardeners from all over the world walk out into their gardens to note what is currently blooming. It's May in the northeast and the gardens are alive with color.  I gaze in awe at what appears before me.
Perennial Garden
The perennial garden is alive with delicate red and pink tulips, Astilbe, Lamb's Ear, Heuchera, Hosta and Daylily. The variety of textures and color complement one another beautifully.

Weeping Blue Atlas Cedar, Daylily & Crimson Azalea
The Stella d Oro Daylily is displaying vibrant green foliage against the blue of the Weeping Blue Atlas Cedar and the Crimson Azalea is in full bloom. Soon there will be blooms of yellow that will last throughout the summer.
The Wisteria is a sight to behold with its magnificent lavender panicle blooms. One can also smell the fragrance of sweet perfume. Under the canopy of the Wisteria  are Hosta ' Patriot' and 'Minuteman'  to add brightness to the garden.  In the backdrop are Heuchera 'Palace Purple' and Endless Summer Hydrangea.

Heuchera 'Caramel'
Heuchera 'Caramel', a new addition to the garden this year has an interesting foliage that cannot be beat. Heuchera 'Caramel' is said to be very hardy in zone 7 and will tolerate sun as well as shade. I am giving this beauty a test run!

Nepeta 'Little Titch'
Also new to the garden this year is a miniature version of nepeta. It is Nepeta 'Little Titch'. It displays beautiful blue flowers all summer long on much more compact silvery green foliage and is also hardy in zone 7.

Sedum 'Aurea'
The sedum 'Aurea' that I planted two seasons ago in between the crevices of the moss rock boulders of the waterfall are finally starting to flourish. They are planted along side Daylily and Blue Pacific Juniper to add color and a natural look.

Montgomery Blue Spruce & Heuchera 'Palace Purple'
Behind the Montogomery Blue Spruce is Heuchera 'Palace Purple'. and Hinoki Cypress 'Aurea'.  The color combination of the blue, burgundy and gold is striking at this time of year.
Ajuga 'Burgundy Glow'
Ajuga 'Burgundy Glow' makes its spring appearance as it emerges along side a boulder in the garden and forms a lovely mat of purple spiked groundcover.  This is also a debut for this plant in my garden. Planted last fall it has made it through the winter and is now thriving.

Spirea 'Gold Flame'
Spirea 'Gold Flame' is an all time favorite in the garden for its firey glowing foliage in early spring. Named for its color the foliage resembles a golden flame. Soon this shrub will be covered in pink blooms that will last throughout the entire summer.

Bloom Day is a wonderful day of the month to be more aware of the changes going on in the garden. It is a great way to take inventory of what is growing in your garden and to view gardens of other gardening enthusiasts from around the world.  Be sure to visit our hostess May Dreams Gardens and check out all the other wonderful blooms that are emerging.

"In my garden there is a large place for sentiment. My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams. The thoughts grow as freely as the flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful." ~ Abram L. Urban
Happy GBBD.  Happy Gardening!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Walk In the Garden

One of my favorite things to do is to sit in a chair on the outdoor patio with a cup of tea in hand gazing out on the garden.   The best time is in the morning or in the later afternoon when you can hear the sounds of the birds rustling in the trees and see the sure signs of spring as the first robin appears.

It is a time to think and reflect on life and the mind will sometimes tend to wander.  It is a time of joy and serenity.  It is amazing just how much a garden can bring joy and contentment to our lives and this Mother's Day seemed to be the perfect time to take a stroll and checkout all the beauty that the garden has to offer. A gardener nurtures the garden to make it grow and thrive adding tender loving care along the way similar to the way a mother would care for and nurture a child.  One could say, "A Garden is Grown with Love".

At this time of year the gardens are changing dramatically.  The azaleas are now in bloom adding much color and life to the garden.   The lavender panicles of the Wisteria gracefully cascade downwards from the magnificent arching branches and the wonderful sweet fragrance of the blooms lingers throughout the yard.  I take it all in.
The foliage of the hosta emerges above the soil like a slow motion movie and I am convinced they are growing before my very eyes. As I walk throughout the gardens I just gaze in awe at all that nature has to offer.

Back at the porch it is time to gaze and ponder some more enjoying the beauty of the day. There is a well-known saying about taking time to smell the roses and today for a brief moment in time I did just that.

Gardening is a love and a passion. It brings so much to life.  Maybe I will take some time to "smell the roses" again tomorrow.

Happy Gardening and a Happy Mother's Day!  Also a thank you to my mom who gave me the encouragement to pursue the passion of gardening that was within me.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Landscape Design Process

So you're looking to change the look of your property, give it a re-vamping or start from scratch.  A common question is "What does the process of landscape design involve and what happens from here?"  The process of landscape design is just that, a process that involves a good communication between client and designer and yes...time.
The shows on television where the complete planning, design and implementation of a major landscape project happen in one weekend are quite unreal.  It is purely for the sake of cramming the entire process into a quick one-hour segment, but in reality the process one is viewing really took weeks to even months to complete.  These shows are great for showing the "process" but one must emphasize-the "process" does take time and does not happen overnight!

When you are ready to start your project provide the designer with a survey of the property and take an inventory of the site. Try to decide what you would like the function of your site to be and think about any existing features that you would either want to keep or get rid of. The designer can help you with these decisions. Also you should be aware of your budget. Keep in mind that the project does not have to be installed all at once. Installing your landscape in phases allows you to spread out the expenses and the amount of time you commit to the project. The big picture provided by the design plan will help you prioritize the project.

The Design Process:

 Site Analysis:

The design process begins with an initial meeting with the client. The property is walked viewing the areas to be designed discussing factors such as desired function of the site, hardscape, existing plantings, lighting, watering, slope and location of utilities. The client can view samples of work so that the designer can get an idea for the style of landscape desired whether it is formal, informal, cottage style, contemporary or perhaps a combination of styles for different areas. After careful consideration of wants and needs for the location, digital photographs and careful measurements are taken of the site. The designer then gathers all the information needed for the plan through several site visits and creates a conceptual plan.

Conceptual Plan:

The designer will meet with you to review the conceptual plan. This plan will provide an overview of the project and will include a layout of functional areas, planting areas and hardscape. At this time you can further discuss any ideas you may have with your designer.

Master Plan:

Upon approval of the conceptual plan, the designer will then prepare a scaled to size master plan (or blueprint) that will show the layout of plantings and hardscape as well as a listing of plant material, sizes and quantities and specifications. Computer rendered imaging of your design may also be supplied so that you can see what your installed landscape will look like beforehand.

At this point you may proceed with installing your project. You may decide to hire out all or some of the elements of your project and your designer can help you with this.   The master plan will show you the overall picture so that there is no guesswork when you decide to proceed with your project.

Home improvements should be a fun and enjoyable experience and planning ahead can take the stress out of your project.  While every designer may not follow these exact steps this article will hopefully help to give an explanation of how the process works and what one can expect.    The better the communication between you and your designer the smoother and more enjoyable your project will flow.  Enjoy planning and happy gardening!

Lee@ A Guide To Northeastern Gardening Copyright 2011 All Rights Reserved.

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

have a rocking x·mas time!

So this is my x·mas card for this year, and I think it quite speaks for itself…! :) So please don't forget to have a rocking x·mas time! :)

Friday, December 11, 2009

sneak peak!

I know I have been neglecting you lately... But as a little forgiveness gift, I have a sneak peak for you on something very exciting I'm working on right now.... I just can't show you more, nor tell anything about it yet... but you can guess, if you'd like to! :)

This afternoon I'm leaving for a well deserved break! The destination is kept secret because it's a surprise for my other half... but you'll know more about it next week!

Have a lovely weekend!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This is a portrait I made quite a few months ago for a friend's birthday... showing her and all things she likes in the bubbles... and yes! I like to make portraits of my friends for their birthdays! :)
Hope you're having a nice week so far!


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Binoculars at

Posted by Lara

Binoculars are really good equipment to use to get a closer look at far away objects. It is the most commonly used optical tool and can be used in so many ways depending on the type of binoculars. It can be used for hunting, birding, astronomy, sports and many more. If you are looking for the best store online that sells the widest selection of high quality and top brands of binoculars check Whether you are looking for binoculars for night vision, for hunting, birding and other types has them all. Anything you want no matter what kind of specifications Optics Planet will help you when it comes to all your optical tool needs. Optics Planet sells different brands of binoculars likeNikon, Bushnell, Canon and many more. Just visit their website and find out more of the finest brand name products they carry and get the best out of your money’s worth since they offer low sale prices plus free ground shipping in the US on all orders over $29.95. If you are thinking about giving binoculars as Christmas presents to your love ones check out’s Holiday Shopper’s special and find out what other offers they have for all their customers this Christmas.

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This policy is valid from 29 April 2008.This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. For questions about this blog, please contact This blog accepts forms of cash advertising, sponsorship, paid insertions or other forms of compensation. The compensation received may influence the advertising content, topics or posts made in this blog. That content, advertising space or post may not always be identified as paid or sponsored content. The owner(s) of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. Even though the owner(s) of this blog receives compensation for our posts or advertisements, we always give our honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics or products. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers' own. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer, provider or party in question.To get your own policy, go to


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Thursday, July 27, 2017

FOOD FOR THE SOUL: Vegan Roasted Mashed Potatoes

November 18, 2014 by Las Vegas Black Image Magazine
Filed under Food

Vegan Roasted Mashed Potatoes

Vegan Roasted Mashed Potatoes

These mashed potatoes are so creamy, they will melt in your mouth!

Ingredients: Serves 4-6

  • 1 bulb fresh garlic cloves, unpeeled
  • 2 lbs. potatoes (preferably yukon gold), peeled
  • and cut into cubes
  • ¾ cup plain soy milk, warm
  • 1 heaping tablespoon non-dairy mayonnaise
  • (Vegenaise is the best)
  • 1 heaping tablespoon non dairy sour cream
  • (Vegan Gourmet is the best)
  • 1 tablespoon Earth Balance Soy Margarine,
  • melted
  • Olive oil (regular) or vegetable oil
  • Sea salt and white pepper, to taste
  • 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast
  • 2 tablespoons chives, minced

Preheat oven to 400 °F. Slice off the top of the garlic head, coat with olive or vegetable oil, and wrap in foil. Bake for approx 35-40 minutes or until cloves are soft. Remove garlic cloves from oven and allow to cool. Meanwhile, put the potatoes in a large pot, cover them with water, add 1 teaspoon of sea salt and cook over medium heat for 20 minutes or until tender. Drain the potatoes, saving about 1/4 cup of the cooking liquid for use in the mashed potatoes. The remaining cooking liquid can be used in soups or sauces as the base of a vegetable stock.

Transfer the drained potatoes to a mixer (or return to the large pot if using a hand mixer or potato masher).

Using your fingers, squeeze the cloves of garlic from their skins, and place them in a small bowl. Using a fork, mash the cloves of garlic to form a paste. Add the mashed garlic, soy milk, non-dairy mayonnaise, non dairy sour cream, soy margarine, nutritional yeast, sea salt and white pepper. Whip or mash the potatoes until you get the desired consistency. Add a little of the reserved potato cooking liquid, if needed, to achieve a creamy consistency. Taste and adjust seasonings as needed. Transfer the mashed potatoes to a large bowl, sprinkle with the snipped chives before serving.

Chef STACEY DOUGAN • (702) 609-3488 • Email:
Twitter: ChefStaceyD • Facebook: Chef Stacey Dougan

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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

VideoCore QPU Pipeline

As a followup to the last post, I've taken a closer look at the Quad Processor Unit that executes shaders on the VideoCore GPU. Although it superficially looks like a CPU, there are some important fundamental differences, and the reasons for them are interesting.

Here's a simplified version of the QPU's compute pipeline from figure 2 (p. 17) of the VideoCore Architecture Guide.

The first notable thing about this diagram is that the main register file is split into two banks: regfile A and regfile B. Instructions encode which bank each operand comes from. There are constraints around how these registers are used: An instruction can only fetch one operand from each bank. For example, the following is fine, because it fetches register 7 from bank A and register 4 from bank B:

  fmul ra1, ra7, rb4

But the next one is illegal. It tries to fetch both register 7 and 13 from bank A.

  fmul ra1, ra7, ra13

This constraint exists because each bank only has one read port. This differs from most CPUs (and Nyuzi), which have one register file with at least two read ports and can use any combination of register operands without restriction.

To understand this design decision, it's first useful to talk about how ports are synthesized--specifically on ASICs.

The following is a simplified schematic of a single bit inside an SRAM. This is called a 6T cell because it has six transistors. Q1, Q2, Q3, and Q4 form a latch: a pair of cross coupled inverters. A bunch of cells like this are arranged in a 2D grid.  A word line signal (WL) connects all cells on the same row, and two bit line signals (BL), which are inverses of each other, connect to all cells on the same column. When a specific word line is activated--only one ever is--all latches on that row are connected to the bit lines via Q5 & Q6. The bit lines are read or written at the bottom or top edge of the array (when writing, the column drivers overpower the latch transistors).

This port can read or write one value at a time. To perform an independent access in parallel, another port is needed. This requires an extra word line per row, a new pair of bit lines per column, and two additional transistors (Q7 & Q8) per cell to connect them:

This makes everything physically larger, and the connecting wires longer, which uses more power.

I can quantify this using a tool called CACTI (Cache Access and Cycle TIme), which builds an electrical model of the wires and transistors in the SRAM array and estimates its area, power usage, and latency. Full source code to the tool is available here, but an online version is also available:

First, I'll compute the parameters for the QPU as it is described in the documentation. Each entry in the register file has 16 SIMD lanes (times four bytes per entry is 64 bytes per register). There are 64 registers, which is 4096 bytes per QPU. I divide this by two in the computation because there are two register banks (I'll multiply the resulting area by two again).

The documentation repeatedly refers to the register memories as 'single ported', but I believe they are referring only to the read ports and these memories must have both a read port and a write port for the result:

  • Otherwise instruction issue would need to stall for every retired instruction that writes back to the register files, which would have pretty crummy performance.
  • This would require extra logic to detect collisions. This would be odd, since they don't detect other, simpler types of hazards (for example, on p. 37, the mention that "An instruction must not read from a location in physical regfile A or B that was written to by the previous instruction" because there is no bypassing)

The QPUs each have four execution pipelines that they issue the same instruction to four times to process all sixteen vector lanes, so the register file needs to read four vector lanes at a time (128 bits).

Given these parameters, I can use the CACTI to characterize the register files (Note that the "Nr. of Banks" parameter for CACTI has a different meaning than "banks" as I've been referring to here, so I keep it 1).

The result:

Total read dynamic energy per read port(nJ): 0.00454679252507
Total standby leakage power per bank (W): 0.00109152252016
Total area (mm^2):

I multiply the area and power by two because there are two banks:

Read port power = (0.00454679252507 nJ * 250 MHz + 0.00109152252016 W) * 2 banks = 2.27 mW
Area = 0.193458538913 * 2 = 0.0685175509312 mm^2

Let's now compute values for a CPU-like version with two read ports and one write port. This would allow using all registers as operands without constraints. Since this isn't longer banked, I don't halve the memory size.

Total read dynamic energy per read port(nJ): 0.00791710847258
Total standby leakage power per bank (W): 0.0028442195272
Total area (mm^2):

Read power = 0.00791710847258 nJ * 2 ports * 250 MHz + 0.0028442195272 W = 3.96 mW

The area is 2.7x larger and it uses 1.7x as much power, which seems to justify the VideoCore designers decision to use single ported memory (especially as there are 4 QPUs per slice and at least 3 slices).

Each register bank has 32 general purpose registers, for 64 total. That's more than most CPUs, and there is a good reason for it: they can't be spilled. The QPUs don't have load and store instructions, and consequently no stack, so there's nowhere to put them.

In the QPU diagram, there are four more general purpose registers in the lower left (r0-r3), which are referred to as accumulators in the documentation. These can be used without restriction as any operand or destination. They are useful as temporaries to work around these register constraints.

These temporaries also enable another optimization. There are separate, 3-stage pipelines for addition and multiplication. In most CPUs, each instruction can encode a single operation. However, if VideoCore did that, half of the stages in either pipeline would always be idle. That is something no GPU designer can bear. Instead, the VideoCore QPU uses a 64-bit wide instruction which can encode both operations to execute simultaneously. This is an example of a design principle seen throughout this chip: keep every functional unit as busy as possible. This diagram from figure 3 (p. 27) shows how instructions are encoded:

The add_a, add_b, mul_a, and mul_b fields control the four multiplexers in the center of the pipeline diagram above. These can select one of the accumulator registers, or a result from one of the banked register files. The raddr_a and raddr_b fields form addresses into the two register files for read, and the waddr_add/waddr_mul control the write port address. This introduces another constraint: the add and multiply instructions cannot write their results to the same bank.

For comparison, if the architecture supported two operation instructions without any constraints, it would require a register file with four read ports and two write ports:

Total read dynamic energy per read port(nJ): 0.012013930148
Total standby leakage power per bank (W): 0.00469288164114
Total area (mm^2):

Read port power = 0.012013930148 nJ * 4 ports * 250 MHz + 0.00469288164114 W  = 12.01 mW

This is 8 times larger than the actual design and uses 5 times as much power.

This instruction encoding impacts code size. In the case where it can pair add and multiply operations in the same instruction, this is no difference in size than having two 32-bit instructions. However, it may not be possible to pair them if and add and multiply don't occur successively in the program, or if there is a bank conflict. Instructions that aren't ALU operations, like load_immediate or  branches cannot be paired with other ones and consume an entire 64 bit instruction. So, the code is most likely going to be larger, but, since shaders are fairly simple and there aren't a lot of them, this seems like an appropriate tradeoff (unfortunately, since the shader compiler seems to be hidden inside a binary blob, it's tough to tell how much overhead this introduces).

In summary, there are some key differences between the QPUs in VideoCore and a general purpose architecture like Nyuzi:
  • VideoCore does not have load/store instructions.
    • It needs a larger register file to accommodate all temporaries.
    • This eliminates the need for a data cache, making the QPUs smaller
    • The QPUs are less flexible (for example, they don't support recursion) and require specialized external hardware to access in-memory data structures.
  • VideoCore uses banked register files to save power and area, but this makes the compiler more complex and requires extra instructions to transfer results to/from accumulators.
  • VideoCore uses 64-bit wide instructions that can encode multiple operations, at the cost of larger code.
While the use of load store instructions, and the larger instructions are tradeoffs that would be inappropriate for Nyuzi's use cases, it's interesting to explore if there would be an advantage to using banked registers on Nyuzi.

The default configuration for Nyuzi has two read ports and one write port. There are four threads with 32 vector registers, which are 512 bits wide for each.  The read and write ports are 512 bits wide. For simplicity, I'll ignore the scalar register file, which is much smaller than the vector one. The RAM size is 64 bytes per reg * 32 regs * 4 threads = 8192 bytes

Total read dynamic energy per read port(nJ): 0.0426987452745
Total standby leakage power per bank (W): 0.00431499044499
Total area (mm^2): 0.680605555836

At 250Mhz, this results in:

0.0426987452745 nJ * 2 ports * 250Mhz + 0.00431499044499 W = 21.35 mW

This is for a core with four threads. The previous numbers for VideoCore were computed per QPU, of which there are four in a slice (a VideoCore slice and roughly equivalent to a Nyuzi core, both having sixteen execution units and four effective threads of execution).  If we multiply the previous numbers, we end up with ~ 9.08 mW of power for a VideoCore slice, about half that of Nyuzi.

Now let's examine an alternative version of Nyuzi with two registers banks:

Total read dynamic energy per read port(nJ): 0.0302475000381
Total standby leakage power per bank (W): 0.00201081979371
Total area (mm^2): 0.298628831583

The power is now 0.0302475000381 nJ * 2 banks * 250 Mhz + 0.00201081979371 W = 15.12 mW
The area is 0.597257663166 mm^2

The non-banked version of Nyuzi is 1.1x times larger and uses 1.7x times as much power as the banked version would.

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Colossal Disaster for Minorities if Supreme Court Scraps Health Law

There was never much doubt that if the Supreme Court ever got a chance to decide the constitutionality of the health care reform law that it would be in for rough sledding from the court’s five conservatives. The three days of court questioning on the law more than bore out that dire prediction. From the tone and temper of the four conservatives, biting questions about the law, and the already well known opposition to the law of the fifth judge, Clarence Thomas, who did not break his several years of silence by asking one question or making one comment, barring an epiphany from one of the conservatives, the law is almost certain to go.

The winners will be the conservatives who have waged a relentless war against the law from the instant it was proposed. They claimed that it was too costly, too overburdening on businesses, too unpopular with a majority of Americans. Their biggest gripe, which is the one that the court will latch onto to strike down the law, is that it was a gross infringement on individual liberty. It allegedly whipsawed Americans into buying insurance.

These arguments are less important than how the judicial torpedoing of the law will hurt millions of poor working class Americans that desperately need health care, but couldn’t get affordable care before the law was passed, and are just as unlikely to get affordable care after it’s struck down. It’s no mystery who among those millions will be hurt the most.

A report by the Commonwealth Fund found that blacks and Hispanics make up nearly half of the estimated 50 million Americans with absolutely no access to affordable health care. The even starker reality is that the number of blacks without a prayer of obtaining health care at any price has always been wildly disproportionate to that of whites — even poor whites. It has steadily gotten worse over the years. The great fear of the GOP health care reform opponents and the health care industry lobby, which includes private insurers, pharmaceuticals and major medical practitioners, was that they’d have to treat millions of uninsured, unprofitable, largely unhealthy blacks. That would be a direct threat to their massive profits. This was the prime reason they waged a fierce war against passage of the law

The majority of black uninsured are far more likely than the one in four whites who are uninsured to experience problems getting treatment at a hospital or clinic. This has devastating health and public policy consequences. According to a study by the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, blacks are far more likely than whites to suffer higher rates of catastrophic illness and disease, and are much less likely to obtain basic drugs, tests, preventive screenings and surgeries. They are more likely to recover slower from illness, and they die much younger.

Studies have found that when blacks do receive treatment, the care they receive is more likely to be substandard than that of whites. Reports indicate that even when blacks are enrolled in high quality health plans, the racial gap in the care and quality of medical treatment still remains low. Private insurers routinely cherry pick the healthiest and most financially secure patients in order to bloat profits and hold down costs. American medical providers spend twice as much per patient than providers in countries with universal health care, and they provide lower quality for the grossly inflated dollars. Patients pay more in higher insurance premiums, co-payments, and other hidden health costs.

The health care law, even after all its provisions kick in over the next few years, will not completely end the excessively high costs of health care or fully guarantee universal coverage. But it broadened the options for coverage by prohibiting insurers from excluding those with pre-existing conditions, provide subsidies for the poorest of the poor, and guarantee coverage for tens of thousands of children and younger people who did not have access to quality care. For the justices, the potential devastating human consequences of an adverse decision they make is not a major concern. It is strictly a matter of a constitutional interpretation, not how their interpretation will affect the lives of those who have perennially been shut out of the health care system.

There is some possibility that the court’s upending of the law will ignite a firestorm of protest, which will prod Congressional Democrats and the Obama administration to go back to the drawing board and reintroduce a retooled version of the health care reform law. But it won’t happen in the middle of a tough presidential election year campaign, with the public deeply divided over whether the law was ever a good thing or not, in the first place, and with a House still solidly in the sway of the rabid opponents of it.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Normally, I don't do memes. If I get tagged my most common response is to ignore it (I know, that isn't nice!) I thought about posting something deep about my philosophical objection to memes, but that sounded like too much work. :) The truth is, most of them don't sound interesting, or are just too much effort for the end result. So I usually don't do them. If you've tagged me for a meme, and I've ignored you, please don't hate me!

That said, Amanda tagged me recently and strangely, I found myself wanting to do this one. Perhaps because it is random, odd, and not time consuming.

Look up from the computer, look around the room where you're sitting and pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.

And no cheating - it really has to be the closest book, even if the closest book happens to be the latest bodice ripper from Harlequin. Not that I know anything about bodice rippers from Harlequin. I'm just sayin'.

The closest book to me when I read Amanda's post and saw the tag was The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. Great! A smart book! A book that shows how very much care I am giving my marriage!

Gilligan and Ginger are nowhere in sight - the two of you are the only survivors. One of you is injured. You have no idea where you are.

Since I haven't made it to page 123 yet, I have no explanation for this fascinating and extremely important bit of marriage advice. Perhaps you should all leave a comment providing your best theory of how this relates to making marriage work. :)

And, because I can, I shall now tag:

Jessica (who I'm sure will ignore the tag due to her crazy life with new twins!)
SlowLane (who I hope will complete this at work - and for you - change the rules a bit and use the most interesting request letter you have lying around.)
SarahMarie (who will probably give us something pithy from Chesterton or Lewis.)
Gabe (play along, dear husband - a good excerpt from Romans will be good for our souls!)

and last but not least

Elena (who needs a break from house hunting.)

Have at it!

Amanda said...

Oh, a smart book. I'm so jealous. Thanks for being a good sport, and for playing along! What fun!

The Wife said...

Hmmm... now I'm no expert (trust me), but I'm pretty sure this quote refers to the need to lower your expectations in marriage. Instead of picturing a romantic honeymoon on a beautiful island, the author is bringing you back to reality: The honeymmon didn't go that way because you got lost on the way to the airport ("I don't need to ask for directions!") and missed your plane; instead you "survived" a stay at the cheapest motel you could find off the side of the highway. On top of all that, your husband dropped you while attempting to carry you over the threshold.

As if being lost and injured isn't enough, Gilligan and Ginger aren't around either. Wow, this marriage stuff really is going to be tough...

Jessica said...

Well, you're right, I'm not going to do the meme (sorry!) but I did look at the nearest book and it was appropriate to why I'm not doing the whole meme: it was "The Joy of Twins". :) Thanks for thinking of me though!


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Monday, July 25, 2016

What will happen one minute after we die?

I cried while watching this video, not because I' was sad, but because I'm so moved by the truth. It's so biblical. I'm so lucky to have watched this video that it gives a glimmer of hope to my sad heart.

"Now the poor man (Lazarus) died and was carried away by the angels to Abraham's bosom..."
LUKE 16:19-31

dies a perishable body,
raised imperishable
sown in dishonor, raised in glory
sown in weakness, raised in power

When a person dies:

your spirit goes into hades/heaven
and you are the same person that you were on earth

"I beg you father Abraham, send him (lazarus) to my... five brothers, to warn them no to come to this place of torment."
LUKE 16:19-31

Q: do you think that my husband remembers me in heaven?

A: dear lady, do you think that your husband is going to know less in heaven than he did on earth?
of course he remembers you
he remembers you with CLARITY
and not only that he continues to love you
of course he continues to love you
in fact he continues to love you with a much purer love

relationship in heaven:
we are not going to be married in heaven, we will be like an angel in heaven.
but of course in heaven,
my mother will be known to me as my mother
my father will be known to me as my father
those kind of personal relationship will continue.

theologian, author,
pastor - moody church - chicago, IL

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William Grant & Sons – SpiritShelf iPhone Application

From the world’s most coveted portfolio of super-premium spirits comes a new cross-portfolio application that will usher your beverage experience to an entirely new level. With SpiritShelf by William Grant & Sons, enjoying super-premium spirits will never again be the same.

This innovative application utilizes the most avant-garde technologies for the iPhone by pairing QR code® technology with the camera and video functionality and optimizing for 3GS. Simply download and open the application, bring one of William Grant & Sons’ super-premium spirits bottles’ unique smart codes into the viewer found on your phone and watch an entirely new world unfold.

More than a spirits’ application for just one brand, SpiritShelf integrates six of the most elite brands on the market: Stolichnaya Vodka, Glenfiddich, The Balvenie, Hendrick’s Gin, Sailor Jerry spiced rum and Milagro.

In addition to the initial engaging content, SpiritShelf also features cocktails for each brand, and ambassador videos that provide insight into the uniqueness of these brands.

Available for download.


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Law School Academic Support Blog

Editor: Amy Jarmon
Texas Tech Univ. School of Law

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Banquet Season

Banquet season is upon us.  Many of our student organizations are having end-of-the-year dos.  Some of them are fund-raisers as well as celebrations.  Some of them combine honors and awards with other evening festivities.

If I overlook the immediate effect on my waistline and focus on the spirit of the events, I enjoy the season.  For one thing, it gives me a chance to get out of the office and mingle with students in different surroundings.  It also gives me a chance to show support for the hard work that so many student organizations put into speaker programs, service projects, and other efforts each year.

It is not possible to attend all of the events that are held each year.  And some years, I need to "rotate" the chosen events to make ones that I couldn't attend the prior year.  One thing that I have noted every year is that students are SO appreciative when faculty and deans make the effort.

So, if it is "banquet season" at your school, get dressed up, buy a ticket, and have another dinner to support students.  You can eat more chicken dinners than you thought you could.  Academic support becomes after-hours support when you show up with your smile, encouragement, and dinner chat.

Now excuse me, I am on my way out the door to an event.  The gym will be there after the season is over.  (Amy Jarmon)

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